by Solange Lopes | Sep 1, 2016 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
Today my youngest (and probably last baby, did I say probably?) starts school. And even as the hardcore independent career woman and feminist I consider myself to be, it feels weird, to say the least.
As I dropped him off to his last day at daycare yesterday, my heart sank a little. I sat outside in my car for a minute, unable to turn the wheel and back up to drive towards work. I could relive the very day I dropped each one of my babies to daycare for the first time, to start on their journey towards independence. And to continue mine towards making peace with semi-constant worry and mommy guilt, even in the midst of so much joy and anticipation…
You think you’ve made peace with a lot of emotions as your kids grow, and suddenly you find yourself in the middle of new beginnings all over again. As they pack their first backpack, say good-bye to go to class, get their first report card…
Even though there’s still quite some ways for women to go in today’s world, we’re able to make so many choices in our lives. Choices to go after our own careers and dreams, pick our partners, live more of the lives we choose…Yet as you become a parent, most of these choices start being influenced in some way or another by the huge joy and responsibility to raise children.
In her masterpiece “The Awakened Family“, New York Times best-selling author Dr. Shefali Tsabary tells us that “many of us are unable to [raise children who are highly resilient and emotionally connected] because we are blinded by modern misconceptions of parenting and our own inner limitations”. The part of Dr. Tsabary’s message that struck me the most as I was watching her on Oprah’s Soul Sunday is that we must develop ourselves in order to help develop our children into the people they’re meant to be. Which also means that not only is it ok for us to go after our dreams and reach our higher selves, it also tremendously serves our children.
So we can turn all that mommy guilt as we drop off the kids to daycare or school, miss some milestones because we’re at work, or miss work because we’re taking in our childrens’ milestones, into the fire that propels us further and further in our lives and careers:
Their milestones are proof we’re growing too!
Now that I’m done crying behind my glasses after dropping off the little one to Pre-K, I can take a minute to stop and consider how much I’ve also grown as a parent and a woman. What we don’t often realize as parents is that many a times, our children help us grow more than we actually help them!
After raving about how my babies are growing too fast, it occurred to me that each one of their milestones has helped me develop as a person. That just having them inspires us to stretch and reach more of our potential. That every time they take a step, start school, get a great grade, or get bruised somehow by life, we learn something new by teaching them things we never even knew we knew.
Make the kids part of your growth!
For most of us, having kids changes our lives. For some, it can send our careers down the abyss, as this 2015 Women in the Workplace study reveals that “motherhood triggers assumptions that women are less competent and less committed to their careers”.
For others, it can mean renewed focus, energy and success. A research commissioned by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis has demonstrated that parents tend to be more productive. More parents develop skills and traits that make them better employees, while it’s noted that some parents are more ambitious after kids.
I’ve found that making the kids part of our growth as individuals, is a huge motivator to turn all the mommy guilt we may experience into more fuel for our fire. Over time, I’ve learnt to talk more to my babies about work, responsibility and learning as I experience it. To share with them more of my experiences, and let go of the guilt of not always being there in favor of the energy of shared growth…
It’s OK to let go!
This one is a “toughie”! Letting go is hard (I’m a Cancerian after all, we cling hard!). And letting go of the little human beings we’ve helped bring into this world, changed poopy diapers, and dropped off for their first day at school, is on a whole other “hard scale”…
I’ve clung to my own brand of career mommy guilt for as long as I could, until realizing it’s letting go that ultimately allows us to be more present. That it’s ok to show our kids that chasing your dreams is a part of life. That to be fully present, we must be filled with as much of our own fire as we can muster…
So here’s to my last baby going to school, to dropping (some of) that heavy mommy guilt, and instead turning it into more of that internal fire that makes us go over and beyond…
How are your turning your Mommy guilt into Mommy Fire?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Jun 16, 2016 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
So the other day, as we were discussing prospective plans for Father’s Day, I got to asking Dear Hubby a few questions about being a working dad.
“Honey, how does it feel to be a working dad?”
“What do you mean? I work and I’m a dad!”
“Yeah, but, do you feel like you’re stretched thin between your commitments at work and at home? Do you ever feel like you’re in over your head and you just need a break to breathe sometimes?”
“Uuuuhhh… you mean, me or you?”
As you can tell, our conversation didn’t go very far…The more I kept asking what I thought were more and more probing, deep questions about the “human state of being a working dad”, the more Dear Hubby kept looking at me in total bewilderment. And the more passionate I got about transferring my own emotions and frustrations as a working mom onto him, the quieter he got…Hindsight being 20/20, I bet you my morning coffee he must’ve tuned me out by about the second question…
It soon became hilariously obvious that I was transposing my own reality as a professional mom onto this poor guy, who was just trying to have his coffee in peace, and maybe down another piece of organic waffle swimming in full-fat Aunt Jemima syrup…
It’s tough being a working dad (the non-laundry-adverse kind) in a world of working moms…On one hand, you’re praised for loading the laundry machine and earning a decent paycheck (albeit not at the same time), and on the other, you’re scrutinized for not having it as tough as the moms out there. Never mind when you get to work, and have to tread carefully with your female colleagues and bosses not to get caught under that glass ceiling that’s about to get smashed any day now…
Of course, the statistics are here to prove the facts we all know. According to the Pew Research Center, even in homes where both parents work, and where quality time and discipline are shared equally between these, scheduling and sick days still fall on the mother. Additionally, “working moms are more likely than dads to say parenting has interfered with their career progress”. Yet, what’s interesting to see through these stats, is that all in all, both working parents feel the pinch of time spent with the kids, with over 50% of working dads wishing they’s have more time with their little ones.
All humor and stats aside though, as I looked over at my husband, I felt a pinch of inner guilt as I considered all the times I came home from work and let the poor dude have it…About how hard it is to be the only woman in the room…Or how tough women have it, from carrying a baby 9 months to buying all these stretch mark oils to the gender gap and not even being able to wear flats at work once in a while…All the while he was cooking dinner, giving the kids a bath, and pouring me some Pinot Noir…
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a mea culpa for working moms towards the dads in their lives…Neither is it an absolution from doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or changing diapers in their favorite suit and tie…What this is, is a recognition that somewhere in between the confidence gap, the gender gap, and all these gaps society has created for women in and out of work, there are also those amazing spaces filled by loving, hard-working, and non-laundry-adverse working men out there…
I should know…I was raised by a single mom, with no dad in sight for the majority of my life…Until I had babies of my own, I didn’t know what a man who’d participate at work and at home, remotely looked like. As a very early feminist and advocate for women, I followed in my mom’s footsteps, and decided to do it on my own. All of it, the work stuff, the house stuff, the bills stuff, the kids stuff, all of it…
Except life has an interesting way of making you look outside of yourself, and in the midst of that struggle you’re in, make you acknowledge you’re not alone in the battle for clean underwear and sleep equality…So for all the non-laundry-adverse, bath-giving, Pinot-Noir-pouring, loving working dads out there, here’s a heartfelt confession and a sweet token of appreciation…
Which you may redeem for a no-laundry pass this week only (please note that it expires on Father’s Day, after which you’d be solely responsible for clean underwear —or the lack thereof)….
PS: Here’s to my favorite working dad in the world, the hubby Walter!
Love,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Jun 14, 2016 | Career, Find Your Purpose
We’ve all been there, at some point or another, in our careers…That point when you’re not too sure where your career’s going…When you doubt yourself and your professional abilities. to the point of considering dropping everything and backpacking through the Himalayas (except you haven’t owned a backpack since 8th grade and the kids are sure as hell not coming for the ride walk)…That point when you just need to raise your head up, lift those shoulders, and reclaim your power at work…
When I was in between jobs, changing industries and not exactly trusting in myself, I remember telling myself over and over: “You got this, you can do this, you need to get your power back!” And thats also what I talk about in the “TCS Guide to Taking Back Control of Your Career“, my e-book on reclaiming your power at work
Whether it’s after a layoff, or struggling through a particularly challenging project at work, or facing annoying issues at work, feeling powerless at work isn’t exactly the best. The danger is that for some of us, it starts with a temporary feeling and ends seeping into every facet of our career. Before you know it, you’re dragging yourself to and fro work, going through the motions day in and day out, and doing the absolute exact job for decades. Dreary enough?
Here are 7 ways to get out of that temporary funk and reclaim your power at work:
Work on your mindset first
It’s a mindset thing first and foremost! The first place we lose our confidence, and hence our power, is in our minds. For women at work, evidence has been strongly suggesting women are way less self-assured then men. While there’s no doubt women’s competence seeing how companies employing women outperform those who don’t, the confidence gap is undeniable.
Work on your mindset first, to eliminate any tendency to see yourself as unworthy of success. The less mental barriers, the more power you’ll regain over your career. In my new e-book, the “TCS Guide to Taking Back Control of Your Career”, I borrow one of Southwest Airlines’c ore values and call this mindset power the “warrior spirit”!
Prep Time!
“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity”: the saying still holds very much truth to it. In a highly evolving, complex and volatile work environment, its becoming increasingly necessary to be prepared. Taking even a small amount of time to prepare sets you apart from your competition and makes you stand out. Think of it as bootcamp to prepare you for outstanding results in your career!
Manage Your Rocks!
Stephen Covey used a great analogy to make us think about managing our time more effectively. By illustrating that we should prioritize our tasks (put the big rocks in the jar first), he demonstrated as early as the ’80s how important it is manage our time. And even most importantly, how important it is to set our own priorities, based on what’s truly important to us…
Work Smarter
Working all the time and not making time for fun, rest, or relaxation, can rob us of our power at work (and in life). Is it any surprise that so many of us caught in the rat race end up feeling disempowered and disengaged in our careers?
In my e-book, I talk about how through my own career, I’ve come to believe less in work-life balance (or any balance at all really), and more in the concept of ironing out our priorities and making peace with the fact that while we CAN have it all, we just can’t have it all at the same time(thanks Oprah)!
Position Yourself!
Taking your career back is also about positioning yourself at work. It’s about being visible, and making the right moves in your career. In the TCS Guide to Reclaiming Your Power at Work, I discuss how it takes a village to build your career!
Dare to be visible, and to surround yourself with the right influences, mentors and guides in your career!
Refill your confidence mug
One of the biggest assumptions among women at work is that there’s “not enough room for all of us.” There are so few women in top career positions that every time any of us gets close to accomplishing a milestone, it seems others are robbed of the same opportunity.
Learn to refill your confidence mug constantly, and to see more opportunities where there seems to be scarcity!
Don’t ditch your emotions, but use them wisely instead.
“Emotional” is a word that’s gotten a bad rap with professional women for the longest time. You can’t show emotion at work! If you’re a woman at work, your emotions may overtake you and reflect badly on your performance. It’s not until the concept of “Emotional Intelligence” or EQ became popular that the corporate world started paying more attention to emotions at work, especially as it relates to gender differences…
Yet our emotions are also our guides, as I explain in my e-book. They’re the barometers that help us assess whether we’re going in the right direction or not. Don’t ditch your emotions, but instead use them wisely as an asset at work.
How do you reclaim your power at work? Share your insights with us…
PS: For more on taking back control of your career, get a copy of my e-book now available on Amazon!
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | May 31, 2016 | Career
“No, you can’t do that! You’re too little!”
“Yes, I can! I can do anything I want, you’re not the boss of me!”
Typical conversation between a soon-to-be seven year-old, and her four-year old little brother. And if you’ve been anywhere around my house, this happens pretty much every day. By “this”, I don’t just mean this constant, bickering (and downright hilarious at times) sounds of sibling rivalry; but the fact that most children don’t see or believe in limitations. They have a “growth mindset”, which is characterized by the belief that there are no limits to human potential. The “fixed mindset”, on the other hand, is what makes so many of us “grown-ups” believe in setbacks, barriers and limitations. And that’s also what ends up affecting how we view our performance at work…
Growth Mindset vs. Fixed Mindset
In her hit book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success“, Stanford University researcher Carol Dweck explains the difference between these two mindsets by using the examples of students:
“In a fixed mindset students believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talents, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that’s that, and then their goal becomes to look smart all the time and never look dumb.
In a growth mindset students understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence. They don’t necessarily think everyone’s the same or anyone can be Einstein, but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it.”
Basically, Dweck’s research has proven that your success really depends on whether you believe your abilities can be developed, or whether they are fixed and already pre-determined.
Using the Growth Mindset to Boost Your Performance at Work
A Growth Mindset allows you to navigate the sometimes unpredictable waters of Big Corporate with more assurance and increased success. In my own career, changing my mindset from one of being limited to my existing skills and abilities, to one that focused more on learning and growing, boosted my performance ten-fold. Some of the incredible benefits that also seeped into my everyday life included:
- Emotional intelligence: While women tend to be naturally gifted when it comes to emotional intelligence, the top ten percent of leaders exhibit comparable levels of emotional intelligence across gender lines. In general, it allows you to adjust better to the ups and downs of your career by controlling, not suppressing, your emotions.
- Resilience: A Growth mindset lets you see your mistakes for what they are: a part of your career journey, and most importantly, an opportunity to learn and get better. According to Dweck’s research, people who have a fixed mindset tend to give up quicker on tasks, even those they’ve shown competence in, because they believe their failures are linked to a lack of ability.
- Confidence: Performers with a growth mindset also tend to display more self-confidence, as they don’t see themselves plagued or defined by their flaws and weaknesses. Those with a fixed mindset on the other hand, tend to downplay their achievements more, and become more fearful that the process will show their limitations.
How to Develop a Growth Mindset
- It starts with a commitment. From repeating daily affirmations to practicing meditation and other ways, developing a growth mindset starts with a commitment to change our thought patterns. It’s only if you want to change, and become better, that you
- Use Failure as Opportunity: Start seeing failure in a new light. Instead of beating yourself down, learn to use it as an opportunity to see past the setbacks and limitations. Turn every failure into an opportunity to learn something new!
- Trust the process! It takes time and perseverance to develop a growth mindset. Take it in stride, and enjoy the process!
Have you been developing a growth mindset at work?
To your success,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Apr 8, 2015 | Career |
Photo credit: nymag.com
Fear comes at us many ways in the workplace. One of them is the fear of your manager. Yeah, you know, that tightening in your chest every time you get called in the office. Or the sudden (and oh so annoying) attack of stuttering every time you have to explain your work. However you choose to call it, intimidation, lack of self-confidence, self-doubt, it’s rooted in fear.
At the beginning of my career, I reported to a manager who scared the living hell out of me. Heck, her approaching steps had me quivering, although back then I’d rather wear flats all week than admit it. Truth is, I was afraid of making mistakes and disappointing this extremely sharp, over-achieving, always-on-her-toes lady manager I wanted so bad to emulate. And sure enough, I messed up, more than once, and more because I was afraid than because I didn’t know my stuff.
If fear of the boss, or “bossophobia” as some call it, is leaving you paralyzed and performing below par, here are a few tips, gathered through embarrassing trial-and-error:
1. Cut your boss some slack! Yes, s/he may have a bigger title (and paycheck), but s/he is human! You know, the kind with emotions, bad (hair) days, and testy kids, just like you… So cut her/him some slack, stop assuming and smile!
2. Prepare, prepare, prepare! Preparation is key! Don’t just walk into your manager’s office with not a single idea on how to address their question/concern. Take a moment to research the issue, and have at least 2 alternatives to present. Challenging? Yes, but better than wishing you were an insect disappearing under the desk.
3. Confront! Healthy confrontation is key to quell fears at work. Address an issue heads on, tackle a project, boldly (and respectfully) initiate contact with your manager! You may be intimidated at first, yet the more you do the thing you’re scared of doing, the less scared you are (and that applies to cutting your shoe addiction too!).
4. Be good to YOU! Don’t be overly harsh on yourself. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made, walk with your head up high and trust in your abilities. Easier said than done! Well, fake it ’til you make it (or invest in a killer pair of heels)…
5. Move on! Getting stuck on your fears only helps to worsen them. Move on from your stuttering episode in the boss’s office, let go of the sting of that bad review, and move forward! Focus on new projects, new ideas, and ways you can improve yourself!
Are you afraid of your boss? How do you overcome your fear?
The Corporate Sis.
