Should you ignore your co-worker’s friend request on Facebook – Photo credit: levo.com
It happened…Your co-worker sent you a friend invite on Facebook, and you wish you hadn’t seen it…Now you’re thinking about all the not-so-kosher posts on your Facebook timeline, the “interesting” girls night out photos, and how much of your life you really want people at work to know…Plus, as much as your co-workers may be on the nice side, these days you never really know how cray-cray someone is until you land on their social media page…And then, it kinda is a bit late to backtrack…
My $0.05: I generally have it as a rule not to friend co-workers or bosses. While connecting on Linked In is recommended, other social media platforms can be reserved to our private lives. As to ignoring a co-worker, or even worse, your boss’s friend’s request on Facebook, I would not, just for the simple reason you’re bound to run into them at work. Just send them a nice email, or nicely explain to them you’d prefer to connect on LinkedIn. And if you succumb to the pressure and do accept their requests, you may always use your privacy settings, at your own risk.
Have you friended your co-workers on Facebook, or ignored their requests?
Women around me inspire me. Most of the stories I write about, tips I share and (slightly frenzied) enthusiasm I have for anything pro-woman, is because of them. Like my dear friend F., who apart from knowing me better than myself, also happens to be an incredibly smart corporate sister. She is also Black and a Muslim.
When we think of women at work, we picture the struggle for equal rights, equal pay for equal work, and breaking that d… glass ceiling in a million scattered pieces. We ponder about work-Iife balance, and having it all. We strive at leaning in, as many of us end up doing the exact opposite. As a matter of fact, for women of color, and minorities even within this group, leaning in does not exactly have the same meaning.
Yet what we often miss are the countless layers of experience embedded in the reality of working women. Nameless and at times faceless experiences of double and triple minorities at work. Experiences that could teach and edify us more than we’d ever suspect…
My friend F. loves her job, and excels at it. Unless she’s asked about her religion, or deals with the occasional imams who stop by to inquire about their accounts, she doesn’t really worry much about it. She also dresses in a Westernized fashion and has always done so. “If I covered up, I’m sure I would have an entirely different experience”, she says.
My friend K. is also Muslim. She also happens to be from the Dominican Republic, and looks like a strikingly beautiful mix of Arabic and Latin. Weren’t it for her gold necklace shaped into Arabic letters, or some of her Facebook posts, you would never know she too, is part of the changing face of diversity in the corporate world.
These are only a drop in the sea of talented, striving women who not only defy the stereotypes of women at work, but don’t even fit into them. They are not bragging about their rights, or screaming “discrimination”, yet are peacefully giving a voice and a face to a positive, ever-changing picture of diversity at work.
So as we fight for gender equality and equal pay for equal work, let’s also not forget that diversity at work extends beyond the value of our paychecks, or the statistics around women on corporate boards…
It’s also about embracing an ever-changing spectrum of diversity as we all reach higher…
Happy Thursday! Are you always running out of time on your projects at work? Does there not seem enough time to complete all your work, assignments, special projects, and personal development goals? Do you find yourself often wondering if you genuinely have too much on your work plate, or if maybe (only maybe), your time management skills are in need of a little dusting off…hmmm….
I’ve always loved the “Do it, delay it, delegate it or dump it” time management principle. Faced with so many demands in and outside of work, picking our priorities is sometimes easier said than done. Too many times, everything just seems to be a priority. As a result, endless competing priorities render us ineffective, at times even paralyzing us into utter ineffectiveness.
As corporate sisters, we too often are faced with multiple competing demands. And in life or at work, we proverbially try to do it all. Faced with (and intimated by) the negative stereotypes, the overwhelming racial and gender disparity at work, and the obvious male domination of the corporate sphere, we very often attempt to prove ourselves by taking on any and every work assignment or independent project we can. As we are painfully aware, we constantly have to prove ourselves, despite our qualifications, experience or proven character. And very often, while it may work on the outside, such attitude at work leaves us depleted, exhausted, and empty on the inside…In addition to decreasing our effectiveness and lowering our professional results as we go…So what is one to do to prove themselves while still carrying a heavy professional load?
Assess your projects or work assignments! Prior to starting anything, sit back, make a list of all your projects, and independently assess each one of them. Is this really a priority? Is the deadline close or far out? How much weight does it have on your review? How important is it as compared to the rest of your goals?
Once your assessment complete, and possibly vetted by management to avoid any surprises, proceed to categorizing these as best as possible. If it’s not a crucial project yet still needs to be completed in the foreseeable future, then delay it! If execution of this project can be trusted to someone else, allowing you to deploy your precious resources and energy on a more urgent, more important assignment, then delegate it. Finally, if this project has zero impact on your line of work, provides no benefits to you or your team, and is more costly than beneficial, then well, this may be one to dump!
Stand by your decision! Worse than a leader who does not deliver results, is one who does not stand by her decisions. While this process may not exactly be easy or definitive, it needs to be one you stand by and carry through to the end in order to see any results. Keep in mind that you still may have to discuss your decisions with management, and adjust as you go. However, it is best to stick to your original assessment in order to evaluate how well this time management approach works and better it the next time around!
Are you doing it, delaying it, delegating it or dumping it this time around?
The Corporate Sister.
For most working women and moms, having a flexible schedule is a blessing. It can also quickly turn into a curse if, and when, not managed well. Trying to fit in everything that could possibly fit into your schedule, or on the other hand, underestimating what needs to be done and wasting precious time, can both wreak havoc on your time, energy and self-esteem. As a result, flexibility can be a trap for so many working women and moms, who can end up overworked, frustrated and exhausted from it.
As much emphasis is being put on affording working mothers a more flexible schedule, what is not talked about as much is what it can cost the latter. On one hand, due to subjective work and gender-related negative perceptions about remote work and flexible schedules, the lessened face-to-face time has been shown to hurt working women’s advancement and promotion prospects in the workplace. On the other hand, while a more flexible schedule allows working moms the latitude to handle their various responsibilities, it also requires them to carefully plan ahead and manage their newfound flexibility. The latter is a significant challenge for many working moms who often feel a need to overcompensate for it, and don’t always have the tools to efficiently use it.
Managing the blessed trap of flexibility is an exercise in discipline, focus, but also self-awareness. Here are three tips that can help:
Set “sacred” areas for work, life and relationships
Flexibility can give us the impression that we have all the time in the world to get everything done. This is when the various areas, priorities and demands of our life and work can get mixed up in a feverish mishmash of to-do’s. As a result, while we may end up genuinely doing a lot, we may also miss out on the most important tasks and priorities, and work ourselves right past what truly matters, both personally and professionally.
This is why it is so important to set “sacred” areas and times for work, life and relationships. Professionally, it may be a matter of defining what our most important work is, and dedicate the best and most time to it. Personally, it’s a matter of also understanding what our non-negotiables are, including family time, rest and entertainment too.
Define flexible yet clear boundaries
The advantage of having a flexible schedule is that we get to organize it ourselves without too many outside impositions. The drawback of a flexible schedule is also that we get to organize it ourselves, and as such may overlook the crucial boundaries needed to maintain our sanity, productivity and efficiency. We’ve all seen examples of overworked mothers during the pandemic go from one personal to professional task without missing a beat until all hours of day and night, yet while totally dismissing the all-too necessary boundaries between work and life.
Establishing clear yet flexible boundaries adapted to our sometimes unpredictable schedules as working moms is not just a life-saver. It’s also a precious opportunity to understand, delineate and continually work on the time, energy and productivity that go into both our personal and professional lives.
Resist the temptation to over-commit
One of the constant temptations brought on by a flexible schedule is that to overcommit. As we have flexibility to structure our schedules ourselves, we also often fall prey to the “yes” syndrome, acquiescing to every and all demand and request on our time.
This is where learning and practicing the art of saying “no” comes in handy. While it is a challenge for many working moms accustomed to serving as sources of support and help in so many personal and professional capacities, it’s also absolutely necessary to distinguish between what we have the bandwidth to do and what we cannot fit in to our schedule. This avoids many a frustration, disagreement, or mismanaged task due to lack of time, energy or sheer capacity. To alleviate the discomfort that can be created by the prospect of declining a request or demand, asking for some time to think about it can help.
How are you managing the traps of flexibility as a working mom?
This morning, I was given the choice to pick between my son’s soccer game and doing some work. Considering I was backed up with late deliverables, and the limited amount of time I, like other working moms, get, the proposition was pretty tempting. Maybe I could even fit in a few pages of that book I’ve been trying to finish for weeks…As I was about to slide open my laptop, something in me made me reconsider. At first, I thought it was typical mom guilt rearing its ugly head yet again to make me doubt myself as a mother. But really, it wasn’t. What it was, was the unusual clarity one gets after quite a few years of struggling between ambition and family. This clarity that (gently) punches you in the stomach and reminds you where your unique, personal priorities are…For me, it was about knowing that in reality, I don’t have to choose between career ambition and family.
I was always ambitious. I also apologized for it a lot. I still do, every now and then, but I’m getting a lot better at catching myself. When I was single and mingling, it wasn’t too much of an issue. As I became a mom (which by the way is a constant process of becoming), things changed (of course they did). To be more specific, it all became more of a struggle. One filled with seemingly tough choices and life-altering decisions. Do I stay at the job that pays me less and leaves me unfulfilled in exchange for more time with my kids? Do I quit the exciting job that requires me to be away from my family more often than I can bear? Do I work from home and miss out on the face time that may be instrumental to my career? Or do I make peace with the fact that the babysitter is really raising my kids and not me? And these are only a few of the questions that everyday working moms ask themselves day in and day out…
The struggle between ambition and family is real for working moms. We may call it mom guilt, dress it as motherhood penalty, or commiserate at how unfair society is. Yet, the reality is that we’re still left with the remaining pieces to put back together and deal with ourselves. As much as we may be tempted to blame corporations, businesses, our partners, leaking diapers, and society as a whole, it’s a fight we still have to wage on our own. One that taught me to trust and develop the clarity I needed to make the right choices for me, not anyone else’s…
If I may share, here are a few of the principles which have made the difference for me, as I struggled between ambition and family:
It’s not a dilemma. It’s a gift.
For many working moms, struggling between ambition and family is a dilemma. A headache-inducing, life-altering dilemma. Hence our self-imposed need to choose between the two. So we settle for not being all there as working moms, or not being all there at work, whether it’s in unfulfilling positions or by abandoning the career ship altogether.
Yet, studies have been revealing that contrary to public opinion, kids benefit from having imperfect, flawed working moms. That after all, we don’t have to make ourselves miserable by forcing ourselves into choices that kill us. It’s actually a gift to nurture our ambition as working moms and still be able to love our families. It’s also a gift that we leave to our kids without us having to say much. What if we could simply reframe what we view as a dilemma into the gift of having options instead?
It’s not about sacrifice, it’s about fulfillment
Sacrifice, a word I’ve come to dislike, especially after becoming a mom. Sacrifice implies negative feelings and emotions. Sacrifice implies negating oneself, at the risk of offering a diminished version of ourselves to our families and the world at large. Sacrifice leaves a sour taste in our mouths, infiltrating our hearts with an insidious, albeit silent, seed of resentment and entitlement.
I don’t want to tell my kids about how much I sacrificed for them. I don’t want them to feel like they owe me, like they now have to dedicate their lives to paying me back. I want them to know that welcoming them in my world and raising them is a privilege and a source of fulfillment and joy. That I remained true to myself not in spite, but because of them. That although there were challenges, that these made me stronger, closer to the best version of their mom that I could be. And that I didn’t have to choose between my ambition and them, because ambition manifests in different ways, one of which is to honor my first job as a mom.
The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back
Lastly, whenever I find myself caught in the quagmire of parenting decisions, this is the one mantra that brings me clarity: “The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back”. The time to spend with my family, to witness their milestones, watch their sports games, laugh at their jokes, will not come back. But the work, even my most ambitious, passionate, and fulfilling work, will be there, after I put them to bed, during early mornings, and in between errands.
The promotion will be there, not because I gave up on being a mom, but when I’ve grown into the version of my own brand of working mom that will receive it, and receive it well. The business will flourish, not because I’ve missed bedtime stories and soccer games, but when the time is right for this working mama. In the meantime, I’ll be a mom and I’ll continue working, in the imperfect, flawed, and fulfilling way that works for me.
And that morning, I did end up shutting the laptop down and going to my kid’s soccer game. He scored two goals, I nodded for a half-minute because: tired, and I still got to write a couple of blog posts in the afternoon and answer a few work emails while dreaming about the best way I could pay someone to wash and detangle my ‘fro….It was a good day.