Racism fatigue is real. It manifests as a sense of deep exhaustion constantly hovering at the surface of one’s emotions, threatening to spill over at any moment without any warning. Even more dangerous, is the deep effect its roots have on one’s mental, emotional and spiritual health. Yet, it’s a fatigue that as people of color, we’re asked to politely stand day in and day out, as our very minds, hearts and souls keep breaking at the sight of yet another murder headline, yet another senseless shooting, yet another injustice…
As Black working moms bravely standing at the intersection of race and gender, stretched thin between the inequities on both sides, gripped by both fear and despair for our sons, husbands, fathers, sisters, mothers, the weight can hardly be put into words. Instead, it gets hidden behind heroic facades of “strong black women” who appear to be invincible, strong beyond measure, unbreakable, all the while shattering inside into a million tiny pieces of anguished fatigue, deferred hope and untreated exhaustion that no amount of rest seems to make up for…
Eventually, racism fatigue has to be gutted out of the abysses of our minds and hearts, and honestly dealt with. Eventually, it has to be faced, as honestly and unequivocally as one can muster the strength to do. This is no easy feat when the media keeps bombarding us with images of murders in broad daylight in the middle of a global pandemic, and all our senses are on constant alert for fear of not being able to breathe. Dealing with this type of fatigue requires a conscious decision to act upon some of our most primal fears, and start or continue deliberate processes to help:
Identify places and people causing harm and find safe spaces
Being constantly exposed to racial trauma is the very thing that creates and amplifies racism fatigue. Identifying the places and people that cause such harm is then crucial to decrease or eliminate the incidences of experiencing race-related trauma. It may be avoiding social media, skipping certain topics of conversation with some people, or even express your frustration out loud.
In addition, finding safe spaces and people with no need to self-censor can go a long way. While it may take some experimentation, this step can help in building a community and sense of belonging.
Normalize the conversation about racism
In many settings, especially in most workplaces, racism is still a very taboo topic. We just don’t talk about race, or politics at work, for instance. This is where normalizing the conversation about race becomes so important, and a way to take away the threat of racism fatigue.
Many companies have started this process by acknowledging the racial trauma many of their employees experience, and facilitating talks around it through diversity training and other initiatives. While these are difficult conversations to navigate, they are crucial in helping not just employees of color,but all employees, overcome racism fatigue.
Whether it’s rest, therapy, or time away, pouring into oneself is another effective way to deal with racism fatigue.
Racism fatigue is real, and really needs to be dealt with, especially as Black working moms. It requires us to be willing to recognize ahnd face the trauma, and address it through difficult but necessary decisions and actions.
How are you fighting racism fatigue as a Black working mom?
Fear is real. It creeps up into every aspect of your life and work, paralyzing you and threatening to topple you at every turn. When fear overtakes not just you, but your entire network and community, it now becomes pandemonium.
Times of uncertainty bring fear. They bring about a sense that we’re no longer safe, that threats are everywhere around us, and that we’re left vulnerable and powerless in their wake. They rob us of our inner power to create the change we need in our own lives and others’.
I’ve learnt the only way to beat fear is not to try to beat it. Instead, it is to do it afraid. It is to rob it of its destructive power by doing the very thing we’re afraid to do, by continuing to strive when the temptation is to shrink and give in, to keep pushing through when everything else screams to stop and give in. It doesn’t mean the tightness in your chest will disappear, or the rapid beating of your heart will slow down. It just means you’re choosing to resist instead, leaning in to faith and perseverance to make the seemingly impossible possible.
As a working mom stuck in the middle of a pandemic, fear is everywhere. It’s in the small and large spaces between people at the grocery store. It’s in the media’s loud screams of panic overshadowing the fair and accurate reporting of the news. It’s in the angst of planning for tomorrow, next outing, next school year. It’s embedded in the thoughts, patterns, conversations, emotions awaken by a crisis we know by name but not by heart.
Fighting against this fear is a daily undertaking, one that requires focus and determination at a time when we’re running short of both. Thankfully, it’s a fight we can all learn to become better at:
Acknowledge your fear areas:
For me, it starts with acknowledging where it hurts, those areas where the fear is at its highest. In this current pandemic, most of us fear for our health and lives, and that of our loved ones. Many fear losing their jobs, careers, businesses and sources of income. The heightened level of panic is causing many to sink into deep anxiety and depression, paralyzing them and making them unable to perform in many, if not most, areas of their lives.
Do something every day in your fear areas
What can you do each and every day in your fear area? It could be taking care of your health by exercising daily, inspiring kids to working smarter instead of harder, or looking for a new source of income. It could be finally deciding to write the book or the business plan, facing the outside world (while taking your precautions), have a discussion with your kids, etc…
Practice gratitude
It’s hard to be grateful when you’re afraid. The smallest amount of progress loses its relevance in the face of fear. Yet, practicing gratitude gives you perspective and reminds you of how far you’ve come. It could be journaling for a few minutes a day, through prayer, or simply through quiet reflection. However you choose to do it, it will affect your outlook, motivate you, and beat the fear.
Give yourself grace
Fear doesn’t equal weakness. Nor does hiding one’s fear, especially to oneself, equate strength. Give yourself grace as you confront your own fears, and learn to do it, from the smallest to the biggest things, afraid.
How are you beating fear in these times of pandemic?
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been holding on for a long time now, doing your absolute best, going above and beyond for everyone else…except yourself! You’ve been maintaining this façade, however successfully, of the strong woman who’s got it…Just like you’ve been taught by generations of strong women before you, whose tears no one saw, who only got half the credit for their full work, who kept plowing through the challenges and still made it happen, whatever “it” was, from a holiday mean on a shoestring budget, to “magically” paying tuition and rent every month…
Yet, the reality is, you’re crumbling…You have been for some time, without letting anyone know, not even yourself. It’s been hard, at times unbearably hard, so hard you could not even find the tears to cry or the words to explain…Prayers and affirmations are not even comforting anymore, as you look through your phone for someone to call before finally resigning yourself to handle your business alone…
This whole time, you’ve not given yourself permission to fall apart. After all, ain’t nobody got time for that! You’ve got way too much on your plate, way too many people counting on you, and way too many people expecting you to fail…So you’ve been soldiering on, not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, explore your emotions, or simply take a break…You’ve bottled it all in, the pain, the exhaustion, the trauma, the incessant worries, in the name of stoic resilience and superhuman courage, at the cost of your own sanity and mental health…Yet, instead of making things better, it’s made it all so much worse…
You’ve been taught falling apart is a bad look. Admitting you’re vulnerable is a sign of weakness and incompetence. That women can and should do it all, at the same time, whatever the cost. Yet, what if it had been the wrong message all along? What if feeling the emotions, putting down the façade, and taking a breath were actually necessary? Not to stay there and wallow in self-pity, but to observe a pause, to allow yourself to fall apart so you can pick yourself back up and rebuild afterwards, instead of endlessly running on fumes?
In this season, give yourself permission to fall apart, to feel all the “feels”, to take a break, and replenish yourself before starting over again. Because it takes courage to open up and be vulnerable. It takes compassion, for oneself and for others, to share one’s struggles so others can see they’re not alone.
Because falling apart is not weak, it’s necessary, as long as you don’t stay there…
Being vulnerable is not “not handling your business”…
Seeking help and support is not being fragile, but showing strength and courage…
Give yourself permission to fall apart…and then get back up!
Whenever we experience racism and bias as human beings, it leaves a painful wound on our souls. Whether it happens to us directly or happens to someone else, the wound is still sorely felt, and registered in our collective memory for the rest of our lives. As the recent events have shown us, with the deaths of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor, to cite just a few, the wound is still left widely open in today’s world. And while feelings may be raw and our hearts broken, there are ways to contribute to eliminating systemic racism and bias.
We can all do our part when it comes to eliminating racism and bias in our society. As working women and working moms, we’re often at the end of this bias. As women of color, we’re under the threat of both racism and bias, which doubles the negative repercussions.
While we owe it to ourselves to observe a pause and process the difficult emotions elicited by racism and bias of any kind, there are a few ways we can all contribute:
Understand and get well-informed:
At a visceral human level, we can sense racism. Our instincts can pick up on it, even if we may not be able to put it into words. It affects our health, to the point of creating chronic stress and underlying conditions.
However, the better informed and the more we’re able to understand the nature of racism, the better we’re able to hold each other accountable, and have the healing conversations, structures and measures needed to eradicate it.
Vote and get involved in local and national politics
Getting involved and voting locally is also key to ascertaining that decisions made are benefiting all, and that systemic racism is kept at bay.
Advocate for diversity at work
Racism and bias, both conscious and unconscious, are regular occurrences in the professional sphere as well, and this despite the confirmed relationship between diversity and profitability evidenced through the 2018 “Delivering through Diversity” McKinsey report.
Advocating for diversity at work is not just limited to pointing out bias in the workplace, but also working to establish policies, procedures and institutions protecting people of color and ensuring greater diversity and accountability.
Become an ally
An ally is a person who takes action to support an under-represented group despite not being a member of said group. Often, individuals with more access and privilege volunteer to serve as allies to help bring about the change needed to help those with less access be more successful.
There are resources available out there to help eradicate racism. However, not all these are readily communicated and available to the public at large, even with social media. It is up to each one of us to keep an eye out for these resources and share them with others as a way of spreading more positive information and funnels to provide assistance.
Racism is one of the inconvenient truths we, as humans, have a hard time discussing and communicating about. Yes, it is hard to tackle the topic, but it’s a necessity, especially in the world we live in!
Many, if not most of us, are faced with examples of racist behavior and thought on a frequent basis, sometimes daily. It is up to each and every one of us to use these not as opportunities to condemn, but as opportunities to teach, educate and learn ourselves.
Take care of your mental health
Last but not least, protecting our mental health against the mental, emotional, and spiritual damages of racism is paramount to not just preserving ourselves so we can continue this important human mission to eradicate racism. It may mean unplugging from the news and social media, loving on ourselves and others, and engaging on the challenging but healing path of forgiveness.
How can you contribute to eradicating racism right where you are, with what you have?
Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
As the coronavirus pandemic is beating our emotions and confining us home with our families, many of us may be tempted to think, more than ever, that we’re not enough. Much of it may stem from our own inadequacies, our insecurities, and society’s constant message that we have to constantly do more in order to be more, or at least to be perceived as more…
This crisis has probably stretched you to the maximum, increasing your daily to-do’s and confirming the heavy burden you were already carrying. It may have made you question your own sanity, and wonder if you can adapt to this new normal made up of homeschooling, remotely working, cooking, cleaning, and everything else in between.
As you worry about your family, elderly parents and grand-parents, and watch your children grow up in a world that looks like nothing you’ve ever experienced, you may fluctuate between hope and despair. As you consider the job you’ve lost, the bank account that is rapidly declining, the tragic news buzzing around on television and social media, you may be wondering if things will ever go back to normal…Add to this the guilt that you’re not doing enough, not protecting your family enough, not caring for your elderly parents and other family members, not caring enough for your friends and yourself, and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy may settle in…
Yet, you get up every day and manage to put a smile on your face. Despite it all, you’re still running a whole household, working through online meetings, teaching your kids, cooking, cleaning, and still keeping your sanity, or at least a sliver of it. You’re still getting back up on your feet after the layoff, the financial challenges, and the worry and anxiety that seem to invade your thoughts…
But although you may not feel this way, you’re enough, you’re doing the best you can with what you have, right where you’re at. You always have. It’s not business as usual, and it may not be for a while. Whatever may happen, you are always enough, as an individual, as a mother, as a friend, daughter, sister, and any other role you may be filling…
