Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
As the coronavirus pandemic is beating our emotions and confining us home with our families, many of us may be tempted to think, more than ever, that we’re not enough. Much of it may stem from our own inadequacies, our insecurities, and society’s constant message that we have to constantly do more in order to be more, or at least to be perceived as more…
This crisis has probably stretched you to the maximum, increasing your daily to-do’s and confirming the heavy burden you were already carrying. It may have made you question your own sanity, and wonder if you can adapt to this new normal made up of homeschooling, remotely working, cooking, cleaning, and everything else in between.
As you worry about your family, elderly parents and grand-parents, and watch your children grow up in a world that looks like nothing you’ve ever experienced, you may fluctuate between hope and despair. As you consider the job you’ve lost, the bank account that is rapidly declining, the tragic news buzzing around on television and social media, you may be wondering if things will ever go back to normal…Add to this the guilt that you’re not doing enough, not protecting your family enough, not caring for your elderly parents and other family members, not caring enough for your friends and yourself, and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy may settle in…
Yet, you get up every day and manage to put a smile on your face. Despite it all, you’re still running a whole household, working through online meetings, teaching your kids, cooking, cleaning, and still keeping your sanity, or at least a sliver of it. You’re still getting back up on your feet after the layoff, the financial challenges, and the worry and anxiety that seem to invade your thoughts…
But although you may not feel this way, you’re enough, you’re doing the best you can with what you have, right where you’re at. You always have. It’s not business as usual, and it may not be for a while. Whatever may happen, you are always enough, as an individual, as a mother, as a friend, daughter, sister, and any other role you may be filling…
Online meetings are getting increasingly more popular with the increase in work-from-home arrangements. As the current coronavirus crisis is pushing most people to work remotely, online meetings are becoming the norm more than the exception.
If you have been working from home, you may have already been in a slew of online meetings. Over the course of my career, and especially in times of crisis like the current coronavirus pandemic we’re facing, I certainly have. I’ve also had the opportunity to learn a tremendous amount, especially in regards to ways of conducting and participating in online meetings in an effective and respectful manner.
Here are a few tips to be more effective (and mind your manners) during online meetings:
Please dress appropriately
If you choose to show yourself via video (depending on the meeting in question, it may be required or not), dressing appropriately is a must. When we’re home, we may be tempted to dress more casually and relax our upkeep in general. However, looking professional is as important remotely as it is in person, so please make sure to present a polished appearance (even if this means you’re wearing exercise shorts under your pussy-bow blouse).
Test your equipment beforehand
Technology is not always 100% reliable, so make sure to test your equipment beforehand. A quick check of the audio and video quality can go a long way towards ensuring that the meeting is not interrupted, delayed or canceled altogether due to avoidable technical difficulties.
Arrive early
As with in-person meetings, punctuality in online meetings is crucial. Arriving five to fifteen minutes early not only makes you look professional and reliable, but can also help address any connectivity and technical issues that may arise early.
Make sure to avoid photobombing as much as possible
Remember Professor Robert Kelly’s interview on BBC, when his children actually became the inadvertent stars of the show by photobombing the entire process? As a working mom, I could certainly relate, as my kids have been serious photobombing perpetrators in some of my online meetings and classes. As much as possible, try to schedule meetings at times when there is a lessened risk of your kids or family members interrupting you. Let your loved ones know of meetings in advance, find a somewhat secluded space to hold the meeting (if possible), to avoid instances of photobombing as much as possible.
Have a backup option available
Having more than one option available for online meetings can help you quickly adapt when your video call slows your computer down, or your Internet bandwith starts giving up on you. You can use your phone as a backup for instance.
Get some headphones if necessary
To get the most out of an online meeting, you must make sure you’re able to speak up and be heard well, and also be able to hear others well. Unless your computer audio quality is top notch, investing in reliable headphones may be the way to go.
When you’re not speaking, use the mute button
After having my share of online meetings interrupted by kids screaming in the background, or by the mailman delivering yet another pair of shoes I didn’t need, I’ve become best friends with the mute button. Rule of thumb: when not speaking, use the mute button. Just don’t forget to unmute yourself when it’s your turn to speak up.
Be courteous!
Even in online meetings, respect and courtesy remain key. This means allowing others to speak, not speaking over other people, and using the tools at your disposal to be courteous. Many online applications offer the option to raise your hand before speaking up, along with using the chat function to add additional information.
When in doubt, use humor
There are a number of factors that can impact online meetings, many of which are difficult to predict and/or prepare for, especially when you’re a working parent. When in doubt, or faced with your toddler wagging his diaper in your face or throwing an unplanned tantrum (aren’t they all?), don’t be afraid to use humor to deflate the tension. After all, we’re all human, and things happen.
What other tips would you suggest to be more effective in online meetings?
Talking to children about a crisis is extremely challenging, and at times downright heart-wrenching, especially as a parent. With the coronavirus crisis upon us, many working parents are faced with tough questions from their children. As a working mom, you may have been at the end of a string of inquiries from your kids, asking just about everything about this crisis, from why they have to stay home and skip school, to whether people can die of the virus and why.
I know I have, and have felt a painful pinch to my heart and tightness in my chest, as I tried finding the right words to explain the unexplainable. How do you tell young kids from one day to the other, they may not be able for a while to freely roam outside and touch everything in sight, see their grand-parents, cousins and friends, or that they now have to stay home until further notice? How do you use words that make sense, and somehow lighten the weight of the anxiety and frustration you may be experiencing yourself? And how do you talk to children about protecting themselves from the virus, and avoid spreading it around?
In times of crisis, children do worry as well. While they may express it in different terms, or act out about it, they can still sense and experience the stress, fear and anxiety around, especially when coming from their parents and closest loved ones. This is why it’s so important to have honest yet sensitive conversations with children, especially in times of crisis.
Assess what the child already knows and reduce his/her exposure
One thing I’ve learnt as a working mama is that children know much more than we give them credit for, especially now that many have more access to the internet and tech tools. This is all the more important that as children are stuck at home and much of their homework is located online, it’s challenging to reduce their screen time.
Ask them what they already know about the current situation, so you can correct any misconception. Reducing their exposure to news about COVID-19 may also help alleviate any anxiety and risk of misinformation.
Be honest
It may be tempting to embellish the truth to protect our younger ones. However, it’s crucial to be honest and give them accurate information, as long as it remains appropriate for their age and developmental level.
Teach them safety comes first
As part of talking to children about any crisis, including the coronavirus crisis, teaching them safety comes first is paramount. In the case of the coronavirus crisis, teach them about rules of safety, such as keeping a social distance from people, appropriately washing their hands or sneezing and coughing in the trash or into their elbow, among other preventative measures.
Let your behavior serve as a way: stay calm and non-judgmental
Children emulate our behavior more than they listen to what we say, as I’ve learnt at my own expense. That’s why I’m careful to assign blame in my words or actions, or to show too much frustration or anxiety. While we’re human and don’t have to keep our emotions tucked away, serving as a positive example can go a long way.
Kids pick up on adults’ behavioral cues, so staying calm when talking to them in times of crisis is essential. As much as possible, use a reassuring tone, even when conveying less than positive news.
You can find the CDC’s guidelines to talk to children ab by clicking here.
Have you talked to children about the coronavirus, or any other crisis? What additional tips would you add?
As we navigate the Coronavirus crisis quarantined at home, many working moms are under extraordinary pressure to handle multiple priorities at once, including childcare, elderly care, remote work and household chores, in addition to keeping a level head and maintaining some sense of sanity. While many parents are working from home, the burden of care and household chores still traditionally remains on working moms, who also have to add to it the pressure (and obligation) of working remotely.
For many, if not most working mothers, it means rearranging their schedules to rise even earlier than usual to work, or staying up late to catch up on unfinished business. It also means homeschooling the at least 32.5 million students from kindergarten through 12thgrade, who may be reticent to studying at home, and having the patience to deal with the inevitable meltdowns and tantrums that may come with it. Add to it the piling up of dishes, laundry and household cleaning due to the majority of the family being home at the same time, and overwhelm, frustration and even resentment, may set in. This is without even considering the impact of the anxiety, worry and despair plaguing most of us as we painfully learn to live in a reality that is closer to science-fiction than anything we could have ever imagined…
What this also translates into for working mothers, are inescapable health-related mental costs, as the number of hours spent working inside the home on careers and businesses, in addition to childcare and household-related duties, increases, along with stress and anxiety levels. For working moms who do not have the benefit of salaried employment, are seasonal workers, or small business owners, the economic costs are outrageously high, as many, if not most, come to terms with not being able to put food in the table in a matter of days or weeks. Many working moms, single moms in particular, who relied on schools to provide meals to their children, or moms whose children need regular, expensive medication, are now facing dire economic circumstances.
As a working mom myself, I was shocked by the sheer amount of work, both childcare and household-related, in addition to adapting to working remotely in the midst of chaos and homeschooling, I now had to face. As my spouse had to go to work, this also meant dealing with the new situation alone at home. While I’m certainly counting my blessings, I also realized there are millions of working women faced with the same, if not worse, situation.
I can only imagine what the moms who work part-time performing essential duties that cannot be performed remotely, are going through. Women working part-time represent 2/3 of the population of part-time workers, as reported by the National Women’s Law Center, and are paid less in addition to having less access to benefits. Not to mention the working moms in the healthcare industry, or in other emergency fields like firefighters and public servants, who do not even have the privilege to stay home.
While this depicts a pretty dreary picture during this already depressing coronavirus crisis, it also reminds us of the importance of building plans and infrastructures that preserve working mothers in the regular course of business and life. The House passed a preliminary aid package including a provision to provide mothers and pregnant women out of a job with food.
While there should be contingency plans in place to protect everyone, working moms, most of whom in charge of caring for children and elderly, especially in the case of single moms and in many families represent financial, emotional and spiritual pillars, should not be forgotten.
Here are some ways to help working moms during the coronavirus crisis:
Bosses, please be more understanding!
Working from home with kids is HARD. This is why it’s so important that working moms and their managers have honest conversations about work expectations during this time. This is largely uncharted territory, hence the importance of having flexible yet clear expectations, and being able to adapt to change.
Use technology to help out
With the quarantine restrictions, it may mean children are expected to have more screen time than usual, with homework and activities being completed online. This also means that some working moms may have to get a computer, or not have enough computers for all their children. If you have a spare computer, consider helping out by sharing with less fortunate families.
Some companies have already started offering Internet streaming services for free, which will be a huge relief for families. Other ways to help include using technology to hold virtual play dates, or send tips and tricks to help working moms via text, email, or on social media.
Parenting partners, please get on the same page!
In regular times, sharing responsibilities as parenting partners is challenging, with most of the childcare and household duties falling on working moms’ shoulders. If you’re a parenting partner to a working mom, it may mean considering adjusting your schedule to accommodate school closures, work disruptions, layoffs, and other disruptions bound to happen during this time.
It also may mean opening the lines of communication with your partner to understand what they’re going through, and how best to help, whether it’s operating in shifts, come up with creative alternatives, or just lending a compassionate ear.
Just check in and ask how they’re doing
Sometimes, all someone needs is a smile and a word of encouragement. Many working moms are struggling to keep mentally healthy, in addition to their other preoccupations and worries. Just be kind!
Offer assistance if you can
Can you spare a roll of toilet paper, some extra money, or just resources on funding (state or federal) and (trustworthy) information you can share? Your contribution can make the difference in someone’s day, so if you find yourself in a situation where you can help, consider doing so.
Overall, working moms are some of the hardest hit through the coronavirus case, economically, physically, and mentally. They also are the pillars of many, if not most families, who may not able to survive without them. As such, the burden to help and assist working mothers is on all of us, and the responsibility to help our common duty.
As a working mom, what challenges are you facing during the coronavirus crisis?
“You’re my person”: When Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh) uttered the now famously coined phrase to her best friend Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) as she shares her decision to put her name down as an emergency contact for her upcoming abortion, it took on a life of its own, embodying our primal human need for deep, healthy, fulfilling friendships. From Sex and the City to Issa Rae’s Awkward Black Girl, stories of female friendships and girl squads have graced our TV screens and subconscious for decades, confirming that as working women and working moms, our friendships play an important role in our lives. However successful we may be professionally, or even family-wise, friendships with other women hold a sacred place. For many, if not most of us, they are a reminder of our original relationship with our mothers, aunts, sisters and other female pillars of our lives, as well as a reflection of our own self-love. This can make the dynamics of our relationships with our sister friends beautifully complex, uniquely fulfilling, and sometimes, downright frustrating.
However, in the modern era of social media, lacking inter-personal connection, and negative media messages around female friendships, it can be challenging to reap these benefits if, and when, we do not foster and nurture healthy relationships with other women. Healthy relationships based on trust, openness, vulnerability, rather than fear, distrust, and anger. It’s the same fear, distrust and anger that end up being translated into gossip, “mean women”, Queen Bee Syndrome, and exclusion, to cite a few.
In my own relationships, I’ve had the privilege to experience the beautiful openness, trust, and vulnerability that makes female friendships a unique bond, and also the heart-wrenching fear, betrayal, and distrust that rob us of the empowering impact of these connections. I’ve learnt, and am still learning (and probably always will) from my positive and negative experiences, as well as my mistakes and mishaps, and growing into a better understanding of the sacred bond between women:
Friendship is a process:
In the era of instant messages and micro-waved networking, we can be tempted to jump in and out of friendships, without the realization it is a marathon, not a race. It’s a process that requires this one thing we cannot microwave: time. It takes time to know someone, see them act in different contexts, build a history with them. It takes time to face and surmount obstacles, enjoy moments together, and deepen bonds. Without it being a process, a friendship can hardly survive, let alone flourish.
A fruitful friendship is a friendship that evolves as both individuals involved evolve as well.
This is where so many friendships reach an impasse, especially among women, as we often tend to not voice our concerns in relationships. I often hear some people say: “I hope you never change” to their friends, which tends to make me shudder every single time. Not expecting those around us, especially our friends, to evolve and change for the better, is to keep them stuck in the same place for our own convenience and comfort. If you’re my friend, I wish you to evolve, to grow, to change into the best version of yourself, even if your growth requires me to grow as well and challenge myself to meet you at a place that is mutually beneficial.
A fruitful friendship is one that evolves. Developing healthy friendships requires shedding the fear of evolving, and that of our friends evolving as well. Some of my greatest relationships are friendships that grow as both individuals grow, and as we both discover new facets of ourselves and each other, and engage on a path on continuous, positive, even exhilarating evolution.
Don’t be afraid to release what no longer serves.
Developing healthy female friendships also requires leveraging the power of releasing what no longer serves. Very often, we allow history to determine relationships that no longer have a place in our destiny. It’s these same relationships that in turn, prevent us from growing into our full potential and achieve our destiny, as we settle for the comfort of familiarity and ease.
Healthy friendships challenge you, push you to be a better version of yourself, and fulfill you to the brim. They don’t leave you drained, empty or wanting for more, but instead felling supported, valued, cherished, and challenged. If not, it may be time to release them, gently, peacefully, with the understanding that we’re creating more space for relationships that fit us better, for our mutual benefit.
All in all, developing healthy female friendships is like making an investment in our well-being, health and potential. Yet, it’s also a process of introspection, self-knowledge and character development that requires choosing who can sit at the table of your life and on what terms. In the end, it may be one of the most important processes of your personal and professional life.
