Do you get overwhelmed when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
Do you feel the need to take breaks during busy days to get some relief?
As a child, were you perceived as “shy”, sensitive or introverted by your famiy and friends?
If you’re reading the above questions and nodding your head, you may very well be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). And you, like so many of us, may know it comes with a lot of beautiful rewards, but also some undeniable challenges…
In a Western culture built on external assertiveness, reward-those-who-speak-the-loudest kind of attitude, being sensitive or hyper-sensitive is often considered a weakness. In other cultures, such as in Japanese, Swedish and Chinese cultures for instance, sensitivity is highly valued. In the workplace in particular, and depending on the type of industry and business you may be in, it may even be construed as a serious hindrance. You may be asked to speak up more, or be more assertive, or judged as being anti-social or not sociable at all. Much of this is because very little is known about highly sensitive (HSP) people, and what is known tends to be mostly inaccurate…
According to acclaimed HSP research pioneer Elaine Aron, the HSP trait (yes, it’s an actual trait, NOT a disorder) is innate and occurs in 15 to 20% of people. HSP individuals’ brains tend to process information in a deeper manner, but also tend to get overstimulated in the face of chaos or intensity. Due to their natural caution and reflective attitude, HSPs are often falsely labeled as “shy”. This is actually inaccurate as unlike shyness, which is a learned trait, high sensitivity is an inborn trait. HSP individuals are also not introverted or inhibited, as can be commonly misconceived. As a matter of fact, 30% of HSPs tend to be extroverted. Due to gender socialization and conditioning, women HSPs can appear to display the trait more so than their male counterparts.
What does this mean in a work setting, especially for women HSPs?
While certain work settings such as loud meetings or stressful feedback settings can be overstimulating for HSPs, the latter tend to actually have qualities that make them assets to any organization. These qualities include exceptional visionary abilities, creativity, innovation, compassion, conscientiousness, loyalty, to cite a few. However, and unfortunately so, many, if not most organizations, undervalue and sorely miss out on these qualities by continuing to be culturally-biased against sensitivity. Assertiveness, boldness and rapidity of thought and action, which can lead to errors in judgment and performance, tend to be overly favored over empathy, depth of processing, and creativity, as well as innovation, all prerequisites of success in today’s more conceptual era. As a result, HSP employees are often falsely perceived as weak, slow, even “deficient”, and generally shamed. These types of negative treatments are often inflicted by managers with poor emotional intelligence, low self-worth, and lacking interpersonal skills, thus engendering toxic environments, cultural prejudice and bias.
If you are an HSP, you may have endured these types of situations, and hopefully have healed or are healing from these. The good news is, far from being a liability, your hyper-sensitivity is actually a precious asset to leverage in the workplace as well as in life. Here are some of the ways you can maximize the power of being hyper-sensitive in the workplace:
Focus on being self-aware
HSPs have an uncanny ability for self-reflection and self-awareness, both of which reinforce optimal performance and adaptability in the workplace. This is especially relevant after the COVID-19 pandemic, as adaptability is quickly becoming indispensable at work.
Use your critical thinking abilities
Research has shown that with sensitivity, comes the ability to process large amounts of information in deep and complex ways. This is an important advantage when it comes to strategizing, collaborating, organizing, and managing information in general.
Foster a team spirit
HSPs tend to show remarkable empathy and understanding of others’ behavior, due to active mirror neurons that literally help mirror others’ emotions and mental states. This is particularly helpful in a team context where emotional needs may impact morale, productivity and outcomes.
Keep your eye out for innovation!
Attention to detail and subtlety make HSPs particularly apt at highlighting opportunities for improvement and innovation, allowing organizations to improve, while generating additional revenue and saving money and resources.
Use your intuition!
HSPs have strong synthesizing minds and are able to identify patterns based on the amount of data they collect and process, thus leading to higher levels of intuition. This in turn plays a crucial role in making optimal decisions at the individual, team and organizational level.
Your thoroughness is one of your competitive advantages
Dedication, commitment and thoroughness are the hallmarks of HSPs. The latter are known for displaying exceptional professionalism and excellence in and outside of work.
But don’t lose sight of the purpose behind it all
HSPs tend to focus more on the big picture, drawing the “why” behind everything. As such, their leadership helps unearth the purpose, meaning and fulfillment needed to motivate others, while keeping organizations solid in the face of change and uncertainty.
Your integrity is key!
As they value equity, fairness and justice, HSPs tend to provide the support and foundation to create positive change and make a difference in any environment. Their word and commitment can also be counted upon and trusted, in and outside of the workplace.
Keep learning and growing
HSPs are renowned for their appetite for learning and growth. They are often the ones enrolling in continuing education, and always looking to acquire more skills and knowledge throughout their careers. As such, they’re assets to businesses and organizations, especially as change and uncertainty require increased and evolving skills.
Overall, being hyper-sensitive in the workplace, while potentially being an under-valued and even misconstrued quality in many workplaces, is undeniably a powerful asset. As such, it’s important for organizations, teams and individuals to understand and leverage the qualities that come with sensitivity.
Are you an HSP and have you worked with an HSP before?
Generally, this may sound like a kind compliment, especially as niceness and warmth is often traditionally expected of women. However, in the workplace, it can have a different meaning, one that may disregard or downgrade the perception of working women and mom’s competence, thus preventing them from ascending to positions of leadership.
So are women too nice to lead? Or rather, should warmth and friendliness be so readily associated with lack of competence on the part of women? Certainly not. However, the reality is that it does. As working women, being aware of this biased reality is the first step to fight against it. Over time, this realization has made many professional women adopt more masculine behaviors and attitudes in the workplace, in an attempt to dispel this stereotype and perception. Yet, what we’re coming to realize is that these qualities, falsely labeled as “soft skills”, are actually critically needed in the workplace.
As such, here are 3 tips for women who may be considered too nice to lead:
Don’t give up on warmth and kindness…
The temptation for many working women and moms faced with the pressure of patriarchal professional environments, is to give up on warmth, kindness and nurturing qualities such as compassion and empathy. Or at least to hide them away as much as possible, from their facial expressions to their speech and even their way of dressing…Even as so -called “soft skills” such as social skills, critical thinking, teamwork and interpersonal skills, just to cite a few, are in higher demand than ever, there are still negative biases associated with women displaying kindness and warmth in the workplace.
However, denying these interpersonal skills is a surefire way to let go of being authentic at work and in life in general. Leadership, true, genuine, and most importantly, effective leadership, requires unapologetic authenticity. And leading like a powerful woman is first and foremost leading authentically, which means embracing and sharing the power of compassion, warmth and kindness.
Focus on impact not appearance
Instead of focusing on the appearance of leadership and success, much of which is largely determined by patriarchal stereotypes and parameters, focusing on impact can make a real difference. And true, effective impact is achieved through authenticity. Bringing all of who you are to work and life in general may not be popular at first, however it will create long-lasting, effective impact.
What kind of impact can you create by being just yourself, instead of denying parts of your identity? Who can you help? How can you generate results for your organization by being exactly who you are?
Use the power of data
Measuring impact also means using the power of data to do so. Very often, women’s achievements are downplayed because they are not measured. Much of the labor of working women and moms goes unnoticed and discounted for lack of reliable and measurable data to document it. Even when the data is present, the documentation part tends to sorely be lacking.
What metrics can you set in your group, department or organization to measure your impact? Can you set processes and systems to consistently document all aspects of your performance? Most importantly, can you build the habit to share this data?
All in all, the niceness stigma for working women and moms, while being a pervasive bias, is one that can be demystified through awareness, unapologetic authenticity and action through data and documentation. There is no shame in bringing warmth, compassion, kindness and other similar positive interpersonal attributes to the table of work. To the very contrary, these are powerful assets for individuals, groups and organizations alike. Instead of fighting these to better fit into a falsely effective patriarchal mold, embracing them and showing up as a genuine leader, while measuring impact through data and documentation, is key to powerfully leading like a woman.
2020 has exposed racial trauma in a way no one could have predicted, especially as it was coupled with a global pandemic and a loss of much of our sense of normalcy. For mothers faced with the painful and public images of this racial trauma, it has certainly been gut-wrenching. Looking at one’s sons and daughters while wondering if the tragedy of race-related events could also affect them, is a weight no mother should have to bear. Yet, it has now become the reality for too many mothers…
Perusing social media pages, news channels or during conversations with fellow moms, it’s hard not to let fear, heartache and even anger, creep in. It’s also challenging, as working moms, to repress or even suppress these feelings, along with the inevitable associated trauma. It’s a trauma. Research shows each time a Black person is exposed to a killing of an unarmed Black person, its results in an additional 14 mental health days.
Learning to navigate racial trauma in the workplace as a working mom is a hard process, one that hits home more than anything else. Yet, it’s one that can also teach us to make more space for ourselves and others, and inspire positive change in companies and across society.
Here are a few ways to navigate racial trauma as a working mom in the workplace:
Check in with yourself
Sometimes, in the shuffle of our day-to-day activities, we may not give ourselves enough time or even permission to check in with ourselves. We may bury deep down the strong emotions and feelings experienced from racial trauma, not allowing ourselves to check in with ourselves. Taking some time to check in with the way we feel, through journaling or therapy for instance, can help.
Take some time to process traumatic experiences
Healing from trauma takes time. Yet, how often do we take time to process the painful images from racial discrimination or violence we may see on the news or on social media? How often do we truly allow ourselves to take a pause and grieve for the collective loss we’ve experienced? Not quite often enough…
Whether it’s taking a day off from work, or shutting off social media, taking time away to process racial trauma is not only necessary, it’s indispensable.
Find solace in affirming your culture
When racial trauma violates the boundaries of our identities, reclaiming and affirming our culture can bring much needed comfort and strength in times of crisis. Taking part in collective culture-affirming actions, or even re-committing to expressing our identities, can not only ease the pain, but also help in showing up more authentically at work.
Create and maintain healthy boundaries
As working moms, establishing healthy boundaries in and outside of the workplace can be difficult and go against our nurturing nature. However, it is so necessary in acknowledging and respecting our emotional, mental and physical capacity. In the aftermath of the recent racial crisis, many have committed or re-committed to diversity and inclusion efforts in the workplace. Yet, understanding the extent of our emotional, physical and mental bandwidth is crucial in helping us measure how much we can give of ourselves without completely depleting our precious resources and reserves.
Minimize code-switching
Code-switching is defined generally as an adjustment of one’s speech, appearance and/or behavior to bargain for better opportunities in exchange for making others more comfortable. While it may help increase the perception of professionalism for minorities, especially for Black people, and avoiding negative stereotypes, code-switching comes at a heavy cost. This cost includes social and psychological consequences, increasing the likelihood of more acute racial trauma.
Find safe spaces
Last but not least, finding safe spaces at work to process racial trauma is another way to effectively combat racial trauma. These safe spaces can take the form of Employee Resource Groups, Employee Assistance Programs, and/or diversity and inclusion trainings.
How do you navigate racial trauma in the workplace as a working mom?
Have you ever felt absolutely exhausted, even after getting a full night’s sleep? Do you feel like you can’t quite seem to recharge your batteries, no matter how many #selfcare threads you post on social media? Has the pandemic made it even worse, especially as a working mom juggling working from home, childcare and household chores? Not to mention new COVID strains, vaccine rollouts and an overall stressful “new normal”…
I was recently both surprised and relieved to discover we need more than a full night’s rest to actually recharge. While the common misconception around rest revolves around sleep, it’s a relief to learn there are other ways to recuperate from the strain and stress of daily life, especially as working women and moms during this pandemic.
If you’ve wondered about getting more quality rest, you may want to consider these seven types of rest:
If you happen to constantly juggle a flurry of thoughts in your mind, you may need more than just a good night’s sleep. You may also need some serious mental rest. Developing the habit to take short breaks throughout the day can go a long way toward helping you to recharge mentally.
I’ve learnt to take mental breaks throughout the day, and rewarding myself with a special treat such as a delicious cup of Simplicity tea.
Sensory Rest
If the COVID-19 pandemic has stolen one thing from us, it’s definitely our ability to get as much sensory rest as we need. Working from home and homeschooling kids has forced most of us into a daily habit of staring at screens, thus putting our senses at work constantly. Just allowing ourselves to close our eyes for a few moments every day can help.
After so much time spent in front of electronic devices during the pandemic, I’ve started shutting down and banning all laptops and phones at a specific time every day.
Creative Rest
Creativity is an amazing gift, but it also requires significant amounts of energy, which can leave us depleted and drained. Remembering to take a pause and doing absolutely nothing at times can not only provide us with the creative rest we need, but it can also let ideas marinate and mature.
Sundays are my creative rest days, when I try to do the least possible intellectual work and instead let my brain observe a break.
Emotional Rest
Emotions can be powerful. Yet, most of the time as working women and moms, we’re so accustomed to being strong that we fail to acknowledge the way we feel. As a result, we end up exhausted as we strive to wear a mask of perfectionism and constant self-reliance. Giving ourselves the space and time to take off the “strong woman” mask” and show up in our vulnerable authenticity can go a long way towards helping us feel more rested.
For me, getting some emotional rest has been using therapy as a healing and self-development tool, and allowing myself to rely on a group of trusted friends.
Social Rest
Social life is both fulfilling and draining. This is especially true for working women and moms who act as caretakers, and wear so many social hats. With the advent of social media, our social life has expanded into virtual spaces that pull us down into abysses of extra busyness and over-stimulation. This is where taking a break from social activities and social media is a powerful self-care and healing tool.
As an introvert, the need to take serious social breaks is very real. Cultivating relationships and developing a schedule that welcome these breaks has been key.
Spiritual Rest
Last but not least, we all need to be connected to something larger than us. Something that makes this life meaningful, and provides us with a deeper sense of purpose. As such, it’s crucial that we find time, in the midst of our busy everyday lives, to keep this spiritual connection alive. It may be through a walk in nature, a meditation practice, or just a few minutes of quiet every day.
Prayer is my favorite way to get some much-needed spiritual rest every day. Making it an integral part of my schedule has been instrumental to not losing touch with my spiritual side.
As working women and moms, unexplained exhaustion does not have to be our normal. Instead, better understanding the types of rest we need can help us acquire and practice the right habits to gain our energy, strength and motivation back.
Could you identify with any of the types of rest listed above? What can you do to increase the amount and type of rest you get?
Dear Working Mom is our periodic letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about the challenges, joys and everything in between for working moms…
Dear Working Mom,
Remember when Miranda admitted to Charlotte in the Sex and the City sequel movie that although she loves her son, motherhood isn’t enough for her, and that she misses her job? And Charlotte finally steps out of her “perfect wife and mother” golden picture frame, to reveal how much motherhood is wearing her thin. Every time I watch the movie, this particular scene has me bawling and let out a sigh of relief all at the same time. Hearing some of the dirtiest, most shameful secrets of real motherhood finally expressed in raw, inelegant words, felt like a weight lifted off the back of the myth of sacro-saint motherhood.
If you’ve ever felt the impossibly immense love of a mother for her children, and yet sensed the pull of your passion, your art, your work tugging at your heartstrings, you may understand what this is. This often forbidden truth that the beauty of motherhood is also laced with complex emotions, desires and instincts. That as working mothers, we can miss our kids when we’re at work, while simultaneously love our careers. That we can be filled with the most complete love and joy for our children and families, while still sensing the pull and void of something else. That motherhood is beautifully complicated, that it can be everything and not enough at the same time, engulfing us whole at times and pushing us to want more out of ourselves at once…
If you’ve found yourself in this complicated, grey area where guilt and love coexist, you’re not alone. If you’ve dropped your baby off at the baby sitter after maternity leave and cried in your car before heading off to work, yet found a sense of purpose as you started working again, you’re not alone. If you’ve struggled with defining your identity within and outside of the confines of motherhood, you’re not alone. Most likely, this dilemma of a dance between identities may just last a lifetime. And you may never get the soothing answer to your doubts, the solution to your struggle, or the remedy to your situation…
Yet what you may know, through it all, is that you tried your very best. That even though you missed out some milestones because you were at work, you still were there when it counted. Even though you let go of some promotions, left some jobs, and bowed out of some opportunities, it was all worth it. And although when you’re at work, you’re not home, and vice-versa, you strive to be the best you can where you are…
Because it’s true, sometimes motherhood is everything, and sometimes it’s not enough…And it’s ok…
