I remember when I first dreamt of studying abroad as I was nearing the end of high school in my native Senegal. Despite being a stellar student and coming from a comfortable middle-class, single parent family, achieving my dream of an elite higher education, especially in the US and without the governmental assistance which had gone missing as I came up, seemed far-fetched. Like most of the intentions I would set in life…
I was always a dreamer. A Big dreamer at that. I guess that would be the predictable outcome of being an only child for the first 10 years of my life and developing too fertile an imagination as a result. But the question always was, where do I start? What do I do with all these big dreams?
As you’re contemplating your own BIG dreams, you may be asking yourself the same question. Where to start? What to build on? In the worst case scenario, or what you may perceive to be the worst case scenario, you may even ask yourself if you’ve got anything to build on. What if your dreams, goals and objectives seem to have nothing to do with your past or current reality? Maybe you have a dream of starting a business yet have no entrepreneurial background, come from a family of conservative bureaucrats and have been raised to be risk-adverse? What if your goal is to be financially free, despite being thousands in debt, not having any financial knowledge, and being your household’s sole provider?
I was ok starting where I was, but where I was did not look much like of a start. At least not in the direction I was aiming to go…Until a dear mentor of mine got me out of my own head and into the vast immensity of Possiblity we often all but ignore…
Any experience is a teacher. Make an inventory of what you’ve learnt
Look around you. Mark Zuckerbeg dropped out of college to start Facebook. Spanx founder Sara Blakely was working as a door-to-door salesperson before starting her multi-million dollar company. Everywhere, high school and college dropouts are starting businesses and changing the world. Moms are creating solutions to daily life problems the savviest of inventors could not come up with People with no formal training in a discipline are revolutionizing fields they had limited exposure to. And how is that happening?
These people are simply starting where they are. They’re gathering their own experience, their own education, personality, intuition and feelings, and drawing questions and answers from these. If you’re a mom, you know how to manage chaos, how to prioritize your tasks, what problems you face and possible solutions to these. You don’t need a formal degree to know these things. It’s part of your DNA. As a writer trained in business and accounting, I’ve gathered years of experience in both fields, to which I can add the fact that I speak different languages, am a mom and a wife, and navigate this world as an introvert. All these various part of my experience and personality make me uniquely skilled to tackle challenges and problems someone else could not.
What do you have in your experience, personality, journey, connections and all areas of your life that you can use? Look at how far you’ve come, and how much you’ve gathered in terms of skills, abilities, and knowledge. This also includes the failures, mishaps and mistakes…
That’s where you start…
Now look at re-purposing all that you’ve acquired
Managing a team at work is quite similar to managing an entire household without missing a beat, which moms do day in and day out. The same skills you may have used selling lemonade in your little stand at 4 or 5, will come in handy when you start your own business. The determination and perseverance you displayed after losing that job is what will keep you going after receiving that 20thletter of rejection from publishers.
It’s in my earliest days, in some of my hardest experiences, when I had no idea what I was doing, that I learnt the most. Those are the days of small beginnings that have taken me this far. When I start doubting my ability to continue, take on a challenge, or pursue my dreams, I go back and remember all that I have learnt. Most of the time, I find that I’ve been through a similar situation, and am able to re-use what I’ve learnt, whether positive or negative. Even failures are there to point me towards what I would rather manifest.
Can you remember experiences, events, skills that you may have buried in the back of your minds that you can re-use to serve your path forward? These do not have to be related to the filed you’re looking into, but can still be used,
Create a plan that is customized to you
The way you achieve your dreams and accomplish your goals and objectives is unique to you. This is precisely because you have been through experiences, accumulated knowledge and skills, and have a one-of-a-kind personality.
This is why there is no point comparing your process to anyone else’s. Your path is uniquely dependent on who YOU are.
I remember coming home with my first baby, not having a single idea how I was going to care for this new life. I had all these gigantic, larger-than-life expectations about what I could, and would, be doing as a new mom. Little did I realized that as a working, I would have to re-calibrate most, if not all, of these expectations I had for myself.
Fast-forward almost 10 years later, and my definition of motherhood, as well as my intentions, goals and expectations have drastically changed. For the better, I have to say. I’ve learnt to stop holding myself to impossible standards, such as reading to my babies every single night, or feeding them home-cooked meals every single day. I’ve also given up on comparing my mothering style to that of other women, constantly questioning whether I was doing a good or totally lousy job at it. All in all, I finally made peace with re-defining motherhood as my own brand of working mother, minus the guilt, false beliefs, and the crushing weight of society’s opinions.
Being working moms has absolutely pushed the boundaries of what motherhood has always meant for women and society alike. As working mothers, we’ve had to couple our own unrealistic expectations with that of the world around us, while still striving to shatter glass ceilings and brick walls in the same breath. Then we’ve started wondering why we never quite feel satisfied, bathing instead in a constant cloud of exhaustion and self-doubt. We’ve desperately tried to hold on to the sanctity of traditional motherhood, what with its perfectly ironed bed sheets, prepared meals, and sparkly-clean households. Except we’ve also managed to add to the mix unending to-do lists, corporate ladders and business board meetings. We’ve tried to lean in, only to realize that we were instead leaning out of alignment with ourselves. Now, many of us are slowly stepping back, re-evaluating our own definitions of what it truly means to be a working mother.
For me, redefining my own brand of motherhood has been quite the process, as I struggled, like so many other working moms, with fitting into the “perfect mother” box. From desperately attempting to make it to every soccer game, to minimizing fast-food trips, not to mention keeping up with the astronomical amount of laundry piling up at the speed of the light, I stretched beyond my own personal, physical and spiritual boundaries. Until I could no more… Until it was necessary to find a new name, a new system and some new sense to this thing called being a “working mom”…
This is what it meant for me, and what it may also mean for you, as you journey through your own process of re-defining motherhood for yourse:
Learning to get the help we need:
As I spoke with many working moms around me, I realized how hard it can be for us to ask or get the help we need. Popular culture has turned supermoms and superwomen into such icons to be venerated and celebrated, that most of us have succumbed to the unrealistic call. In the process, we’ve forgotten that it’s ok to ask and get the help we need.
I know I had. Until I gave in and invited services like Blue Apron and HelloFresh into my life, freeing up both mine and dear hubby’s evenings and weekends by ordering out. Or until I made room in my budget to hire someone to help me with housework. I have to say, it took me some time not to feel guilty about what I considered then to be indulgences, but quickly realized were life and sanity-savers. Or to refrain from sharing this with friends and family, for fear of being judged. Without the pressure of having to do it all, I could finally do simple things like sit on the couch with my husband, actually play with my kids, and stop complaining about not getting a haircut in months, minus the guilt and sleepless nights…
Being more present
Piling more on our to-do lists as working moms has also forced us to give up on being present, as partners, friends, sisters and mothers. There are not enough hours in a day, so we unconsciously do more and live less. We’ve traded in being fully present in our lives, for lists of accomplishments and shiny, photo-shopped pictures on Instagram.
I’m re-defining motherhood as a working mom as simply being, instead of getting lost in the illusion of constantly doing. Which may mean leaving the dishes unwashed in the sink to have a conversation with the kids, or make it on time to the school play. Or putting the phone down during my son’s soccer game, and letting business happen as it would. Or just sitting in silence with myself, instead of mentally searching for one more item to cross off my duty list.
Investing in self-care
Self-care is not an indulgence. Let me repeat this again: self-care is not an indulgence. It’s an investment, one that requires of working moms to provide the effort, time and energy to pour into ourselves before, and because of our call to, pour into others.
I had wrongly defined motherhood as this unending roller-coaster of obligations and responsibilities, neglecting my own well-being. There was always something to do at home or at work, so there was no time to drop by the gym, read a book or hang out with the girls. How many of us negatively judge other working moms who take the time to exercise, have regular girls’ night out, or go back to school? Because shouldn’t motherhood be this sacrificial thing we dedicate ourselves entirely to, before trying to fit in everything (and everyone) else? Hence the myth of the frazzled mom escaping her life at Target on Saturday night….
I’m choosing instead to invest in the best version of myself so I can show up as the best individual, including the best mother, I can be. Which may mean re-arranging some priorities, freeing up some time, and putting my mask on before saving anybody else…
Building a legacy
I choose to re-define being a working mom as investing in building a legacy, from making sure we have a reliable life insurance policy to following my dreams, building the business, rising in my career to having the courage to craft my will. These are things I wouldn’t have time to think about before, let alone tackle, because I would lose myself in all the minute details of parenting, from serving as dedicated chauffeur to shopping the latest kids’ designs.
Yet, if we only could release the pressure on ourselves and lift our heads from the smoke of day-to-day details, we might start asking ourselves questions such as: “What am I leaving my kids?”, or “What impact am I really having on my family?”.
Because being a working mom is not just about crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s of our over-packed existences, but building a legacy we can leave behind. Because our kids may not remember how sparkly clean the house was when they were growing up, but they may very well recall how their working mother invested in their college fund, starter her own business, or built her best career…
How are you re-defining motherhood as a working mom?
As busy working women, it can be a challenge to find the time and energy to shop for the right products for us. Taking a trip to the store when you’re struggling with your to-do list or getting the kids from school can be nearly impossible at all times. Hence, monthly subscription boxes to ease the shopping process.
The principle is simple. You basically pay a monthly fee, which allows you to sample products without having to commit to the full price at retail. You also don’t have to leave the privacy of your home to get the best items fitted to your lifestyle, at your convenience. While there’s always the risk that you may order something that doesn’t fit you, or looks different than advertised, the overall positives outweigh the cons.
After marriage, kids and career, my days of leisurely shopping and comparing prices as I strolled through malls and boutiques were definitely over. I frankly had no desire to drag my babies to stores filled with people. Neither did I want to spend extra time looking for what I needed. That’s how I fell in love with subscription boxes. Plus the fact that you kinda get a surprise every single month in your mailbox…
Here are my 10 favorite subscription boxes for working women:
If you’re a female entrepreneur, or have a side hustle, the Sparkle, Hustle & Growmonthly box is for you! Every month, you get four to six items, including fun and chic accessories, desk supplies, as well as books to help you be more productive at work. You also get access to powerful online resources along with being automatically added to their Facebook group.
I admit, I’m shoe-obsessed! While parenting and the need for more conscious budgeting has slowed my shoe habit down over time, I’m still very much into beautiful yet practical footwork. ShoeDazzlehas been my go-to for shoes for quite a while now. The principle is simple. For a monthly membership fee of $39.99, you get to pick a pair of your favorite footwear among the selection offered every 30 days. Pretty convenient and a nice treat for shoe-lovers like myself!
The website also offers a selection of apparel, accessories and bags to choose from as well. As a monthly subscriber or VIP member, you also save on the prices of items you choose to purchase.
JustFab is similar to ShoeDazzle, as it works on a monthly membership basis as well. In the same way, you get your own personalized shopping boutique along with VIP credits to allow you to purchase the items of your choice.
Similarly, it offers apparel, accessories and bags. One additional common feature is your ability to “skip the month”, or elect not to pay the monthly fee and purchase a new item during the month of your choice.
Fableticsis the athletic alter ego to Just Fab created by Kate Hudson. It works on the same monthly membership system. However, this is all about athletic wear for women and offers plus-size options as well.
Adore Me offers affordable quality lingerie on a monthly membership basis as well. The principle is also pretty simple. You take a quiz to assess your lingerie needs, and get matched with various options personalized for you.
As a member, you get to pick a lingerie set of your choice every month. Your 6thmonth is at no cost to you, and exchanges as well as shipping are also free.
Calling all curly girls! Founded by entrepreneur and thought leader Myleik Teele, Curlbox’s goal is to help curly girls find the best products for their naural hair, one monthly box at a time. For $20 a month, curly girls get to try various products from established brands. All you have to do is get on the list.
If you’re into crafts and are a Pinterest addict, then Home Made Luxeis right up your alley. This monthly craft subscription box delivers your favorite Pinterest-worthy craft projects right to your doorstep. You’ll get all the supplies you need to create outstanding home décor projects, plus a small bonus craft for you to enjoy.
If you’ve ever searched for the right mascara or night cream for weeks on end, then you know that finding the right beauty product can be a challenge. EnterBirchbox! For $10 a month, you get your own personalized mix of skincare, fragrance, hair and makeup samples delivered right to you.
If you love to spend your money towards good causes, you will love CauseBox! This monthly subscription box is filled with seasonal items produced by companies to empower women, be socially conscious, and create jobs. It’s a great way to get nice products, but also give back!
For the woman who loves to smell good, this monthly subscription box offers 30 days worth of brand names perfumes. For $14.95 a month, you can pick a new scent every single month through Scentbird.
Take the work out of your workwear!MMLafleursends you a professional wardrobe that will not only fit you to a T, but also fits your style. However, this is not a subscription service. You can simply order your style Bento box whenever you’d like.
What are your favorite monthly subscription boxes for women?
As a working mom, summer can be interesting juggling acts. You may have to combine your work, with the kids being out of school, vacation planned, and the inevitable slowdown that comes with the warmer months. While it may seem like it’s all about weekend getaways, tropical vacations and happy hours, the reality is that summertime is also a serious balancing exercise for most working moms.
I used to dread summertime, wondering how to keep the kids entertained while working, packing the right way to go on vacations, having a good time, and not breaking the bank in the process. The result? Instead of relaxing and taking advantage of the summer slowdown, I would be exhausted come September.
What I learnt after many overly packed summers is to actually use a few key tips to manage my career and life as a working mom:
Mindset first
It always starts with your mindset. If you anticipate that your summer will be exhausting and packed with to-do’s, chances are it will be. Start by taking it easy on yourself, and envision yourself actually having a good time. Let go of the anxiety of controlling every single detail, and instead allow for spontaneity and surprises to come your way. The point is, you must decide ahead of time that this will be a great summer!
Let go of perfection and guilt
I know as a working mom, I tend to want everything perfectly organized and planned. I also tend to experience guilt when I’m not as productive as I thought I would be, or when the kids aren’t as entertained over the summer. The result is usually a lot of stress stemming for unrealistic pressures and expectation.
Instead, let go of perfectionism and guilt. Yes, there will be times when the kids will be bored, and it’s actually good for their creativity and overall balance. Yes, you might miss a deadline at work, or the vacation may not go as planned. It’s ok, it’s called life.
Set expectations
While you may want to let go of unrealistic personal or professional expectations you or others may impose on you, you also have to set your own so as not to end up overwhelmed and frazzled. If you’ve asked or are planning to ask for a flex schedule at work because you have to pick up the kids at certain times, make sure to set some clear expectations as to your availability with your team and management. If you have vacation time scheduled, or need to start later or leave earlier, be sure to communicate it early enough and stand by it.
In the same way, set expectations with your family in terms of what you can and cannot do. There is no use driving yourself insane serving as the chauffeur, vacation planner, playdate facilitator, if it’s going to leave you begging for your sanity at the end of the summer.
Have some REAL downtime
How about having some REAL downtime? Not the kind of downtime when you bring your laptop with you, or grab some unfinished work to tackle as you’re sitting poolside. Not even the kind of downtime when you check on your family and friends, scroll through Instagram, or catch up on email. I’m talking about the kind of downtime when you do absolutely NOTHING!
If you must, pencil it in in your calendar, enlist the help of your hubby or a trusted friend to watch the kids, and enjoy the pleasures of doing absolutely nothing, nada, ziltsch! The other day, I caught myself sitting at the park while the kids were busy drenching themselves in sand, and for once in a while, it was pure bliss to not do anything (and not feel guilty about it)!
Automate, automate, automate!
Repeat after me: Technology is your friend! Which means, whenever you can, you should seek to automate as much as you can. From your bill payment, to your appointments and even certain services you get, automate, automate, automate! Not only does it free up precious brain space, but it also allows you to re-purpose all this administrative time into pure fun or well…a nap!
Set reminders
Summers are busy for working moms! In between camp activities, vacations, work, playdates and other fun mommy activities, you’re bound to forget something. Set reminders as much as you can to help you keep track of what you have to do. I remind myself that I have kids and they must be bathed and dressed daily, because: full brain!
Seek help
It takes a village, even in the summer! Don’t hesitate to ask for help this summer as you handle the kids, your work, the vacation planning, and everything else in between! You don’t have to do it all. Leave the kids with the hubby for an afternoon as you go read a book at the local café. Enlist the help of your family so you can take off for a girls’ getaway. Look for a kids’ daycare at the vacation resort so you can enjoy that spiked margarita poolside. Or just hide out in the bathroom and read a page of your favorite summer read. Whatever the case is, consider seeking help so you can recharge over the summer, minus kids’ cries that is.
Turn off social media
Unplug, unplug, did I say, unplug! There is no true relaxation unless you turn off social media. As entertaining as it may seem, it nevertheless keeps putting added pressure on us to keep informed of what everyone else is doing. Which also takes additional space in our already busy and crowded minds. This summer, challenge yourself to unplug at least once a week, and use this newfound brain space to relax!
Stop comparing
Along the same lines as turning off social media, refrain from comparing your summer with every other working mom around. Yes, you may be vacationing locally this year while your sister is jet-setting on a yacht along the Amalfi coast. Or you may be working your behind off to launch your business while everyone else is lounging on the beach. The point is, you don’t have to do what everyone else does. You don’t really know what they’re going through, so stop comparing yourself to them. Instead, enjoy what you have, make the best of your summer, and find joy in all you do.
Be present
Last but not least, simply enjoy the moment and be present. When you’re at the beach with the kiddos, be at the beach with the kiddos. When you’re answering that email before taking off for the day, be there to answer that email to the best of your abilities. My point is, instead of looking forward to the next moment, the next vacation, the next quiet moment, just be there enjoying the present time!
You know that feeling that overtakes you every time you’re getting close to achieving a goal or objective? That sudden need to procrastinate, the urge to collect all possible negative thoughts about yourself and whatever project you’re working on at the moment? These are all signs that you’re about to sabotage yourself.
Many, if not most of our goals in life, career or business, get unfinished because we tend to sabotage ourselves in the process. We may set the most effective, realistic and functional goals, and still come up short. This is not for lack of skill, motivation or even aptitude. It’s simply because of self-destructive behaviors that keep us from taking action towards our goals and dreams.
I’ve struggled with procrastination quite a bit because I couldn’t recognize the self-sabotage behind my sudden drops in motivation and drive. It took me a while to recognize that one of the hardest battles I would have to wage would be against my own self, to stop destroying my own efforts. For many of us, it stems from a fear to succeed, which is often stronger than the fear of failure.
Here are a few ways to cut to the chase and stop sabotaging yourself in life and at work:
START with understanding your self-sabotage patterns
Everyone has different patterns in life and at work. Often, we fail to recognize when we’re self-sabotaging, because it feels comfortable and routine to do so. For most of us, there are specific areas in which we often unconsciously ruin our own efforts.
Review the different areas of your life and work, and start identifying the ones in which you’re practicing self-sabotage. It may be in your finances, career, relationships or health. The fact that you’re sabotaging yourself in any of these areas means that you may be struggling with some form of anger, shame, or sense of not being worthy enough.
Interestingly enough, as much as I love writing, I realized that the fear of failure would paralyze my writing efforts and make me less productive. It became clear that I was scared of being rejected, or looking ridicule because of my writing. It was only when I could face this truth about myself that I was able to fight my negative patterns and progress in my writing.
STOP delaying
One of the most prevalent effects of self-sabotage is constant delaying. You may find that you put off tasks to the next day, and let negative thoughts paralyze you into inaction. For instance, procrastinating before an important meeting, or leaving a crucial assignment to the last minute, is a clear sign of self-sabotage.
Instead, consider tackling your to-do’s as soon as you can, instead of postponing them to a later time. The more you impose this to yourself, despite the negative thoughts and patterns you may be subject to, the more you will fight your tendency to self-sabotage.
START facing your feelings
For many of us, facing the feelings of unworthiness, shame or anger that lead us to self-sabotage is a no-no. Instead, we tend to suppress them, pretending they don’t exist. As a result, our negative and self-destructing behaviors continue, ruining our best efforts in the process.
It takes a lot of courage to admit to oneself our fears and failures. However, it’s the only way to address them and fight them successfully. I had to admit to myself, and others around me, that I was afraid to be ridiculed because of my love for writing, or for being an introvert. Yet, the minute I could face these fears, I was free to recognize and address these demons. Once you know your areas of improvement, no one can hold them against you.
STOP dwelling on the past
So many of us are still prisoners of our past, especially when we feel like we’ve failed or haven’t measured up to some ideal we had for ourselves. Instead of focusing on the present, we stay in “If only” land, playing and replaying failed scenarios.
You can’t start over with a clean slate if you keep replaying the past. You have to be able to move on, and make peace with whatever has happened. A great trick is to write yourself a letter in which you forgive yourself for any and everything you’re still holding against yourself, or others. And move on, once and for all..
START journaling
Journaling is a powerful way to spot those instances when your mind start bullying you and you fall into the self-sabotage trap. I find that expressing my thoughts in a free and unrestrained way, allows me to free myself of the mental and emotional baggage we all carry.
Just remember there are no rules to journaling. You can write freely and express yourself unabashedly. While it may be intimidating at first, it will help you release some of the negative thoughts and emotions you may be feeling. You’ll start seeing more clearly where your blocks are, so you can address them better.
STOP comparing yourself to others
Comparison is really the thief of joy. It’s also one of the biggest ways in which we sabotage ourselves. Instead of being motivated to do better, we tend to feel unworthy or inadequate. By comparing, you limit your own beauty, effectiveness and potential.
Identify those areas in which you tend to compare yourself with others, and face them head on. If social media or certain relationships trigger you to compare yourself to others and feel less than, consider distancing yourself from them. Focus on YOU and the unique gifts and abilities YOU have been given.
START speaking kindly to yourself
Faith comes by hearing. It also means that what you say to yourself, you tend to believe. Start speaking more kindly to yourself, and honoring the positive about you, instead of emphasizing the negative.
Start observing how you talk to yourself, whether through your own mental chatter or through the words you use about yourself. You’ll start noticing how unloving you can be towards yourself. We all are. Begin to consciously turn negative thoughts and words into more positive chatter, and watch the difference.
How do you stop self-sabotage in your life and work?
