In this episode of The Corporate Sister podcast, I’m discussing the one thing that drives me day in and day out, and that is working and living on Purpose. Or more specifically, the 7-step framework I’ve been going by to find and stay on purpose in all areas of my life and work.
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This morning, I was given the choice to pick between my son’s soccer game and doing some work. Considering I was backed up with late deliverables, and the limited amount of time I, like other working moms, get, the proposition was pretty tempting. Maybe I could even fit in a few pages of that book I’ve been trying to finish for weeks…As I was about to slide open my laptop, something in me made me reconsider. At first, I thought it was typical mom guilt rearing its ugly head yet again to make me doubt myself as a mother. But really, it wasn’t. What it was, was the unusual clarity one gets after quite a few years of struggling between ambition and family. This clarity that (gently) punches you in the stomach and reminds you where your unique, personal priorities are…For me, it was about knowing that in reality, I don’t have to choose between career ambition and family.
I was always ambitious. I also apologized for it a lot. I still do, every now and then, but I’m getting a lot better at catching myself. When I was single and mingling, it wasn’t too much of an issue. As I became a mom (which by the way is a constant process of becoming), things changed (of course they did). To be more specific, it all became more of a struggle. One filled with seemingly tough choices and life-altering decisions. Do I stay at the job that pays me less and leaves me unfulfilled in exchange for more time with my kids? Do I quit the exciting job that requires me to be away from my family more often than I can bear? Do I work from home and miss out on the face time that may be instrumental to my career? Or do I make peace with the fact that the babysitter is really raising my kids and not me? And these are only a few of the questions that everyday working moms ask themselves day in and day out…
The struggle between ambition and family is real for working moms. We may call it mom guilt, dress it as motherhood penalty, or commiserate at how unfair society is. Yet, the reality is that we’re still left with the remaining pieces to put back together and deal with ourselves. As much as we may be tempted to blame corporations, businesses, our partners, leaking diapers, and society as a whole, it’s a fight we still have to wage on our own. One that taught me to trust and develop the clarity I needed to make the right choices for me, not anyone else’s…
If I may share, here are a few of the principles which have made the difference for me, as I struggled between ambition and family:
It’s not a dilemma. It’s a gift.
For many working moms, struggling between ambition and family is a dilemma. A headache-inducing, life-altering dilemma. Hence our self-imposed need to choose between the two. So we settle for not being all there as working moms, or not being all there at work, whether it’s in unfulfilling positions or by abandoning the career ship altogether.
Yet, studies have been revealing that contrary to public opinion, kids benefit from having imperfect, flawed working moms. That after all, we don’t have to make ourselves miserable by forcing ourselves into choices that kill us. It’s actually a gift to nurture our ambition as working moms and still be able to love our families. It’s also a gift that we leave to our kids without us having to say much. What if we could simply reframe what we view as a dilemma into the gift of having options instead?
It’s not about sacrifice, it’s about fulfillment
Sacrifice, a word I’ve come to dislike, especially after becoming a mom. Sacrifice implies negative feelings and emotions. Sacrifice implies negating oneself, at the risk of offering a diminished version of ourselves to our families and the world at large. Sacrifice leaves a sour taste in our mouths, infiltrating our hearts with an insidious, albeit silent, seed of resentment and entitlement.
I don’t want to tell my kids about how much I sacrificed for them. I don’t want them to feel like they owe me, like they now have to dedicate their lives to paying me back. I want them to know that welcoming them in my world and raising them is a privilege and a source of fulfillment and joy. That I remained true to myself not in spite, but because of them. That although there were challenges, that these made me stronger, closer to the best version of their mom that I could be. And that I didn’t have to choose between my ambition and them, because ambition manifests in different ways, one of which is to honor my first job as a mom.
The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back
Lastly, whenever I find myself caught in the quagmire of parenting decisions, this is the one mantra that brings me clarity: “The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back”. The time to spend with my family, to witness their milestones, watch their sports games, laugh at their jokes, will not come back. But the work, even my most ambitious, passionate, and fulfilling work, will be there, after I put them to bed, during early mornings, and in between errands.
The promotion will be there, not because I gave up on being a mom, but when I’ve grown into the version of my own brand of working mom that will receive it, and receive it well. The business will flourish, not because I’ve missed bedtime stories and soccer games, but when the time is right for this working mama. In the meantime, I’ll be a mom and I’ll continue working, in the imperfect, flawed, and fulfilling way that works for me.
And that morning, I did end up shutting the laptop down and going to my kid’s soccer game. He scored two goals, I nodded for a half-minute because: tired, and I still got to write a couple of blog posts in the afternoon and answer a few work emails while dreaming about the best way I could pay someone to wash and detangle my ‘fro….It was a good day.
As women of color at work, and frankly as any working woman or man, being in an inclusive professional environment can make a world of difference. But what is an inclusive workplace really? According to Linked In, an inclusive workplace is a “ working environment that values the individual and group differences within its workforce”.
If you are a woman of color, you know how important being in an environment, especially professionally, that values who you are and embraces your differences is. In other words, being in a place where you feel valued, integrated and welcome can be the catalyst to your productivity, efficiency, and most importantly, your overall happiness. There are countless studies that prove that a diverse and inclusive workforce is also one that is more productive and innovative. Employees tend to work better, and stay longer in these work environments as well. Not to mention the positive impact on employee well-being, health, as well as collaboration between co-workers.
So how does one recognize an inclusive workplace, especially as a woman of color? What if you are interviewing for a new, exciting position, and are not sure whether you’ll be stepping in an inclusive environment?
Although it can be challenging to recognize an inclusive workplace, there may be some signs you can pick up on early on:
Analyze the job description
Even before applying for a position and going through the interview process, you can tell a lot about a work environment by the company’s job descriptions. You can read a lot about your potential future place of work by the tone used, as well as the feel you get of the company culture. Does it seem that the language used seem to appeal to a particular gender? Do you notice a certain pattern when reading multiple job descriptions?
Check out the company’s website and social media presence
You can go one step further and navigate through the company’s website and social media sites. Companies committed to diversity and inclusion usually express it through their online presence. It’s also usually reflected in their values and mission statement.
Can you perceive that they’re committed to the community at large? Do they express their belief in creating a diverse workplace? Do you get a sense that you’d fit in?
Explore company reviews
You can also check out the reviews of the company, through sites like Glassdoor for instance. However, you may want to consider these reviews with a grain of salt, as they may present particular employee experience. For women in particular, the website InHerSightrates companies based on women’s reviews. You may also directly ask other employees who may have worked, or be working at this company, their personal and professional opinions.
Consider their benefits packages
Company benefits can also reveal quite a bit about a company’s efforts towards inclusiveness and diversity. Do their maternity leave benefits show they care about new parents? Are flexible schedules offered? How much vacation time is available? The answers to these questions may help you assess the inclusive nature, or lack thereof, of the business you may be considering working in .
Observe your interviewers
During the interview process, your interviewers may be a reflection of the company itself. Are you exposed to a diverse panel of interviewers? Do their questions and shared information reveal a lack of inclusiveness? Are they skipping the topic altogether?
Ask directly during interview process
You can also directly inquire during the interview about the company’s commitment to diversity and inclusion. Usually, at the end of the interview process, you have an opportunity to ask your own questions. At this point, it may be wise to ask about certain aspects of importance to you, such as flexibility, benefits and overall company culture.
Trust your gut
Last but not least, trust your gut and intuition. Before and during the interview process, you will get a sense of whether a certain company is a right fit for you or not. Take into account the way you feel as you make your decision.
You’re in charge of your career. Let me say this again: You’re in charge of your career. Which also means that you can make the decisions and take the steps needed to craft the type of work in which you flourish and fulfill your purpose. This also means that contrary to public opinion, your career success doesn’t depend on your boss, your company, or even the state of the economy.
I used to believe you needed a perfect alignment of all the right planets and chakras to create a successful career. That you need a supportive boss, the right opportunities, strong mentors, and a company that believes in your talents. Don’t get me wrong, all these are certainly needed in anyone’s work evolution and growth. Yet, what I found out, is that they’re not necessarily make-or-break deals. You are the only make-or-break deal in your career. That is, if you take full and complete responsibility for your work.
Here are a few ways you can keep taking charge of your career, or regain control over the work you do:
Change the story you tell yourself about work
Much of our lack of success at work is linked to negative mindsets. If you’re telling yourself you will never succeed, or that your boss’ lack of support will end your career, chances are, that’s exactly what will happen. Instead, change the story you tell yourself about your career.
Re-frame obstacles and failures into learning opportunities. Learn to see stumbling blocks into stepping stones, and focus on the fact that nothing can prevent you from succeeding.
Show excellence
One way we lose control over our careers is by giving up on the quality of our work. It can be tempting to do just the bare minimum in a toxic work environment. We may make more mistakes when we’re unmotivated and don’t see a path to success.
Instead, decide to show excellence in everything you do. If you’re sweeping the floor, do it with excellence. If you’re writing a mundane email, do it as well as you can. Someone is always watching who has the power to bless your career. Besides, you’re not working for your boss, you’re working to learn and build a solid professional reputation. So show up with excellence.
Get committed to constant learning
Learning is one of the strongest competitive advantages you can garner in and outside of work. The more you learn, the more you have to offer, and the more indispensable you become.
Don’t settle for the degree or certification you already have. Instead, strive to keep up with your industry trends by going back to school with tools such as the Princeton Review.Take online classes with sites like Udemy or Thinkific. Learn a new IT system. Read books, even if you have to do so on the go with softwares like Audiobooks. Talk to experts in your field. The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more marketable you are.
Opportunity is everywhere: Use it!
Contrary to public opinion, your manager does not hold all the opportunities available to you. He or she may be able to block some opportunities coming your way; but they cannot limit all all of them. You must learn to see opportunity all around you, instead of waiting to be offered a chance to show your skills and talents.
Where is there a need in your team, department, or business? What can you help improve or bring to the next level? How can you volunteer to use your abilities? Identify and take opportunities around you. It may be helping out in a different team, volunteering for a good cause or a different company, or simply speaking up in a large meeting. Take the opportunity where you find it, and run with it!
Build financial stability
What does financial stability have to do with taking charge of your career? Here’s the thing: the less financially stable you are, the more dependent upon your job you are. Which means you may feel trapped at a company or position that is not the right fit for you for the money!
Not having financial stability can lead you to believe that you have limited career options. When you have money in the bank, some savings and financial resources to tap into, you’re freer to make the right career decisions for you. You can decide to leave the job, take an unpaid but favorable internship, or jump ship and start your own business.
Take risks
You learn the most when you step out of your comfort zone, which can mean taking risks in your career. Maybe the next level in your work means leaving your current company and starting your business. Or you may have to make a lateral move into a different department to use your skills and talents to the maximum of your potential. Or you may have to leave your current mega-company for a smaller start-up to follow your passion.
Whatever the case may be, you’ll never fully feel in control of your career until your get comfortable risking your work outcomes.
Build a network
Your network is truly your net worth. There’s a wealth of information and opportunities in the people around you. This is why it’s crucial to build and nurture the right network for you. With the right people around you, you can get the connections and information to build the career of your dreams.
Make a point to attend at least one networking event every month. Keep in touch with your current network, including your mentors. Build a give-and-take relationship with your connections, and ask for what you need.
Start your side hustle
Side hustles are the new job security. By starting your own business on the side, you’re giving yourself a chance to pursue your passions, while freeing up extra cash. This can make you happier, while lessening the pressure to stay at a job that may not be for you.
Besides, the skills you’ll acquire starting and running a side hustle can help you in your day job as well. All around a win-win.
Commit to your personal growth
You’re not just an employee. You’re an all-around individual with a full life to live and grow through. The more you give yourself permission to evolve into the best version of yourself, the more you can show up at work as the woman or man you were created to be.
So take the trip, read the book, take care of yourself. Take the time to have hobbies and passions outside of work. Nurture your relationships, don’t be afraid to make mistakes, and learn from them. The richer your personal growth, the richer your career.
Release what’s weighing you down
One of the reasons why we’re not always as successful as we could or would want to be at work is due to all the “unnecessary” stuff we carry with us. That includes negative mindsets, people-pleasing attitudes, anger, bitterness, resentment, and just putting too much on our plates overall…
The more you learn to release all this heavy baggage, the freer you are to excel in your career. You can then truly own the kind of career you deserve.
I remember coming home with my first baby, not having a single idea how I was going to care for this new life. I had all these gigantic, larger-than-life expectations about what I could, and would, be doing as a new mom. Little did I realized that as a working, I would have to re-calibrate most, if not all, of these expectations I had for myself.
Fast-forward almost 10 years later, and my definition of motherhood, as well as my intentions, goals and expectations have drastically changed. For the better, I have to say. I’ve learnt to stop holding myself to impossible standards, such as reading to my babies every single night, or feeding them home-cooked meals every single day. I’ve also given up on comparing my mothering style to that of other women, constantly questioning whether I was doing a good or totally lousy job at it. All in all, I finally made peace with re-defining motherhood as my own brand of working mother, minus the guilt, false beliefs, and the crushing weight of society’s opinions.
Being working moms has absolutely pushed the boundaries of what motherhood has always meant for women and society alike. As working mothers, we’ve had to couple our own unrealistic expectations with that of the world around us, while still striving to shatter glass ceilings and brick walls in the same breath. Then we’ve started wondering why we never quite feel satisfied, bathing instead in a constant cloud of exhaustion and self-doubt. We’ve desperately tried to hold on to the sanctity of traditional motherhood, what with its perfectly ironed bed sheets, prepared meals, and sparkly-clean households. Except we’ve also managed to add to the mix unending to-do lists, corporate ladders and business board meetings. We’ve tried to lean in, only to realize that we were instead leaning out of alignment with ourselves. Now, many of us are slowly stepping back, re-evaluating our own definitions of what it truly means to be a working mother.
For me, redefining my own brand of motherhood has been quite the process, as I struggled, like so many other working moms, with fitting into the “perfect mother” box. From desperately attempting to make it to every soccer game, to minimizing fast-food trips, not to mention keeping up with the astronomical amount of laundry piling up at the speed of the light, I stretched beyond my own personal, physical and spiritual boundaries. Until I could no more… Until it was necessary to find a new name, a new system and some new sense to this thing called being a “working mom”…
This is what it meant for me, and what it may also mean for you, as you journey through your own process of re-defining motherhood for yourse:
Learning to get the help we need:
As I spoke with many working moms around me, I realized how hard it can be for us to ask or get the help we need. Popular culture has turned supermoms and superwomen into such icons to be venerated and celebrated, that most of us have succumbed to the unrealistic call. In the process, we’ve forgotten that it’s ok to ask and get the help we need.
I know I had. Until I gave in and invited services like Blue Apron and HelloFresh into my life, freeing up both mine and dear hubby’s evenings and weekends by ordering out. Or until I made room in my budget to hire someone to help me with housework. I have to say, it took me some time not to feel guilty about what I considered then to be indulgences, but quickly realized were life and sanity-savers. Or to refrain from sharing this with friends and family, for fear of being judged. Without the pressure of having to do it all, I could finally do simple things like sit on the couch with my husband, actually play with my kids, and stop complaining about not getting a haircut in months, minus the guilt and sleepless nights…
Being more present
Piling more on our to-do lists as working moms has also forced us to give up on being present, as partners, friends, sisters and mothers. There are not enough hours in a day, so we unconsciously do more and live less. We’ve traded in being fully present in our lives, for lists of accomplishments and shiny, photo-shopped pictures on Instagram.
I’m re-defining motherhood as a working mom as simply being, instead of getting lost in the illusion of constantly doing. Which may mean leaving the dishes unwashed in the sink to have a conversation with the kids, or make it on time to the school play. Or putting the phone down during my son’s soccer game, and letting business happen as it would. Or just sitting in silence with myself, instead of mentally searching for one more item to cross off my duty list.
Investing in self-care
Self-care is not an indulgence. Let me repeat this again: self-care is not an indulgence. It’s an investment, one that requires of working moms to provide the effort, time and energy to pour into ourselves before, and because of our call to, pour into others.
I had wrongly defined motherhood as this unending roller-coaster of obligations and responsibilities, neglecting my own well-being. There was always something to do at home or at work, so there was no time to drop by the gym, read a book or hang out with the girls. How many of us negatively judge other working moms who take the time to exercise, have regular girls’ night out, or go back to school? Because shouldn’t motherhood be this sacrificial thing we dedicate ourselves entirely to, before trying to fit in everything (and everyone) else? Hence the myth of the frazzled mom escaping her life at Target on Saturday night….
I’m choosing instead to invest in the best version of myself so I can show up as the best individual, including the best mother, I can be. Which may mean re-arranging some priorities, freeing up some time, and putting my mask on before saving anybody else…
Building a legacy
I choose to re-define being a working mom as investing in building a legacy, from making sure we have a reliable life insurance policy to following my dreams, building the business, rising in my career to having the courage to craft my will. These are things I wouldn’t have time to think about before, let alone tackle, because I would lose myself in all the minute details of parenting, from serving as dedicated chauffeur to shopping the latest kids’ designs.
Yet, if we only could release the pressure on ourselves and lift our heads from the smoke of day-to-day details, we might start asking ourselves questions such as: “What am I leaving my kids?”, or “What impact am I really having on my family?”.
Because being a working mom is not just about crossing all the T’s and dotting all the I’s of our over-packed existences, but building a legacy we can leave behind. Because our kids may not remember how sparkly clean the house was when they were growing up, but they may very well recall how their working mother invested in their college fund, starter her own business, or built her best career…
How are you re-defining motherhood as a working mom?
