Do you find yourself mentally computing your next grocery bill while catching a couple of words out of your conversation with the kids? Are you having a hard time being present because there are so many things competing for your mental space all at once? Are you able to both yell at the kids from the other end of the playgroundwhile holding a strained conversation with your girlfriend ?As a working mom, you may be all too familiar with thinking about a gazillion things at once, while feeling like your head may be on the brink of extra-terrestrial explosion.
Last summer, my sister told me something that has been sticking with me ever since. As I was huffing and puffing over two loads of laundry and a sink full of dishes, she calmly said: “You know, it’s not so much the physical work, but the mental load we carry that’s exhausting us as working moms…”I’ve had the opportunity to think about since then, so much so that I have taken as a habit to ask myself how much of a mental load I’m really carrying day in and day out. I used to think that it all boiled down to a productive schedule, with a detailed to-do list to boot and some productivity quotes here and there. What I realized is that it’s the mental load made up of the heavy compounding of our personal and professional lives that ends up getting to us working moms most of the time…
Having to carry so many thoughts and plans in our minds, from the kids’ matching socks to cross-country practice, not to mention the research project due at work, can be borderline debilitating. Yet, once you realize that it’s the mental aspect of it all that is really costing you more than anything else, it becomes easier to target the problem. So does realizing that doing more doesn’t exactly solve the problem. Rather it perpetuates it…
For me, it’s become a matter of taking the counter-intuitive approach of slowing down instead of speeding up, and eliminating rather than adding. I’m taking Coco Chanel’s mantra to take at least one thing off before leaving the house to a whole other mental level. It also means:
Having a strict mental hygiene
A while back, I started meditating to see if I could put my mind on pause for a few minutes. Fast-forward a couple of years, it’s become an inherent part of my mental hygiene as a working mom. These are the far and few in between minutes that I get early in the morning or late at night, when I’m not interrupted and can literally breathe for a bit. More than a calming exercise, it’s an entire re-wiring of our brains to support increased mental and physical capacity.
As essential as meditation, therapy, both formal and informal, has also become a cornerstone of my mental hygiene. If you take care of your body, why wouldn’t you care for your mind as well? While there are still a lot of unfounded cultural taboos around therapy, it certainly is a necessity for busy, sometimes over-stretched working moms.
Avoiding multi-tasking
It’s been said that women are good at multi-tasking. What has not been talked about so much are the negative side-effects of this damaging practice. As a recovering multi-tasker, I know all too well the lack of focus, the difficulty of not being fully present, along with the accompanying exhaustion, that are the hallmarks of multi-tasking.
It’s been a process to re-program myself not to multi-task, and I still struggle with it. However, even a little bit of progress in the opposite direction helps. Focusing on one task at a time offers you the gift of focus, clarity, and presence, while being able to enjoy what you’re actually doing. In terms of productivity, you actually get more done, a bit at a time, than altogether.
Clearing out ALL the clutter
Nature abhors a vacuum, and many times as working moms, we strive to fill every bit of our mental space with responsibilities, activities and relationships. We may also fill our physical space with LOTS of things, creating a sense of clutter that leaves us at times powerless and frustrated.
Part of releasing some of our mental load is also letting go of clutter. Whether it’s getting your Marie Kondo on, cutting off toxic relationships, mindsets and behaviors, or just re-framing your schedule and hiring some help, releasing the clutter will leave you freer, happier and all around better.
How can you choose to lessen your mental load as a working mom?
Have you ever looked at your schedule and felt an “Auntie Maxine” “Reclaiming my time” moment? Whether it was because your goals seemed too far-fetched or that you could not possibly see how you could accomplish them all, at one point or another, you might have felt the need for refreshing your schedule.
I’ve learnt over time to periodically take a good, hard look at my schedule, especially as a working mom. Not only do circumstances constantly change in my family, from school schedules to vacations and doctor’s appointments, but my growth and evolution as a working woman and mom also mean that the way I organize my time is bound to change. What were priorities last year or even last month, may now be relegated to the bottom of the to-do list, and vice-versa. Emergencies or new priorities may also come along, thus changing your whole outlook on your schedule. Overall, it’s just good practice to re-evaluate your schedule on a periodic basis, re-organize your priorities and refresh your use of time.
If you’ve been thinking about updating and refreshing your schedule, here are 7 ways you may consider:
Check in with yourself: Re-visit your why
It all starts with you, from your schedule to how you choose to live your life. It makes sense then check in with yourself first, more specifically with what motivates and drives you, that is your “why”. Has your “Why” changed over time? Have you changed in a way that no longer accommodates your current schedule? If so, what are your new priorities and how do you envision your new schedule?
Check in with your loved ones
We don’t build alone, whether in life or at work. Most likely, your schedule doesn’t just revolve around yourself, but also around your loved ones. Check in with them and have an honest conversation about where you see yourself spending your time, given your particular circumstances. However, beware of not building your schedule based exclusively on the needs of others, which may leave you drained and unfulfilled.
Use a time tracker
One of the best practices I was introduced to in one of the productivity masterminds I attended, is the use of a time-tracker. As its name indicates, it’s a document in which you track how and what you use your time on. Documenting your daily schedule goes a long way towards clarifying where your time goes, which in turn helps you re-adjust where needed.
Find what brings you joy
One of the aspects of the time trackers I used revolved around documenting the activities that brought me joy. Doing so helped me pinpoint those tasks that would bring my energy level up, in turn making me more productive, fulfilled and efficient. In the same way, practice documenting those activities that revitalize you and that you particularly enjoy. Not only will they point you towards a more efficient use of your time, they may also very well be directing you towards your purpose.
Identify time-stealers
Another time-tracking aspect that also proved to be instrumental in my personal and professional growth is the identification of time-stealers. These are activities or tasks that zap your energy, drain you and absorb way too much of your time. For me, these are the usual suspects, that is administrative tasks and social media. By pinpointing these, you will be able to decrease their impact or eliminate them altogether from your schedule, thus positively refreshing it going forward.
Use the power of technology
While there may be numerous inefficient uses of technology, there are some aspects of it that are particularly useful in refreshing your schedule. Automating and scheduling tasks are part of these. Using the power of technology to handle low-level tasks that do not require your expertise is a powerful way to free up some of your time and create a more efficient schedule.
Build margins
Last but not least, one thing I realized through my last productivity mastermind is that an effective schedule is also one that allows for realistic margins. For instance, when heading to a doctor’s appointment with the kids, I realized that I was expecting the whole process to just take the commuting time to and from the doctor’s office. What I would not take into account was the time to prep the kids, transition them into the car, as well as any necessary time cushion in case of traffic jams or other delays. As a result, my schedule would always feel too tight. Building margins and cushions in my time planning allowed me to relax, de-stress and have a more realistic schedule.
What other tips do you recommend to refresh your schedule?
Have you ever felt like despite all the noise around diversity and inclusion, your own diversity at work feels like an obstacle? From the way you wear your hair, to the accent in your voice, or your sexuality, you may have felt like your “difference” made you an outcast. That maybe it was best to wear a mask, and conceal the “extra” diversity that could impair your ability to climb the corporate ladder, get the business loan, make the right contacts, or simply be respected as a valuable colleague.
Don’t get me wrong, most of us wear masks, especially in a professional and/or corporate setting. Just try and compare your boisterous voice at the family cookout last weekend, with your “prim and proper” intonation at the Board meeting. I’ll leave some of the other choice words out….And there’s no shame about it, either. Different contexts sometimes require different parts of our personality. The problem, especially for working women and minorities, occurs when the “mask” becomes a semi-permanent (or permanent) fixture of our careers and lives. When it becomes too hard to be who we truly are and remain authentic. When at times, we’ve even lost sight of who we are, what matters to us, what makes us us, happy, fulfilled, and all the way together…
I remember times at the beginning of my corporate career when I would feel so intimidated that the pitch of my voice would go up several octaves every time I had to speak up. I can also recall the times when sharing that I was born and raised in Senegal was followed by a loud silence in the room, after which I questioned if I should ever reveal this at work again.
There are times when corporate pressure and the fear to lose a paycheck can really make you get out of your true character. Many succumb to this pressure daily, compromising, changing who they are, from the pitch of their voices to the decisions they make on the job. No judgment here, the reality is more complex than we see on the surface, especially when your mortgage payment, kids’ tuition and car note hang in the balance. All of this can make it challenging to take off our corporate and/or professional masks, and really show up authentically in the workplace. This is especially true for working women and minorities, who may stand close to the edge of privilege.
Yet, there is a cost to not honoring your diversity in the workplace. It may be the silent cost of self-betrayal and the resulting lack of fulfillment that ensues. It may also be the lack of confidence from yourself and others. However, as terrifying as it may be, there are ways to honoring your diversity at work and enjoying a more fulfilling career:
Show up as you are
I was recently listening to a podcast during which an African-American executive woman revealed that wearing her hair in braids at work also gave permission to other women like her to do the same. I remember struggling with my decision to wear my hair natural when I first transitioned to my natural curls. Would “they” be taken aback by my appearance? Would this have a negative impact on my career? Years later, I realize going natural was not just the best decision for me, but it was the best decision for my career. Any place that I would not fit in because of the way I looked was not for me…
So show up as you are. Don’t be afraid to wear your true hair, origin, accent or anything else that makes you you. It’s the best way to figure out where you fit in, and what environments are the most mutually beneficially to you.
When in doubt, do not hide
One of the most damaging pieces of advice I was ever given, especially as a woman of color, is: “Keep your head down and work hard.” You may also have received the same piece of advice. Over the years, I realized that as working women, and especially as women of color, we’re encouraged to hide behind our performance. We’re tacitly prompted to deny our uniqueness behind longer hours, more masculine attitudes, and the appearance of perfection. Or we’re warned to be cautious and make ourselves invisible.
When in doubt, refrain from hiding who you are. Refrain from shrinking and becoming invisible. Put your head up and make your presence be felt. Don’t just work hard, speak up for yourself too. Allow yourself to take space.
Be the example of diversity you need
I mentioned earlier the example of the African-American executive who by wearing braids, implicitly gave other Black women in her company permission to do the same. I’ve learnt that honoring your diversity also means putting it to work at the service of a cause greater than yourself. You may be the only image of diversity that some people will see, or one of a few.
You may be the reason why your fellow Latina sister may feel empowered to speak up at the meeting. Your very presence in the room may inspire a young Black girl to start her own business or go for the career of her dreams. You may just be the example of diversity you need yourself. And that is honoring your own diversity…
Be willing to walk
Sometimes, honoring your diversity also means walking away from environments and places that stifle it. It’s understanding that you can better honor the truth of who you are somewhere else. It’s a painful, but liberating realization.
In all cases, take the lessons you’ve learned with you, let go of any bitterness and resentment and continue on your own journey.
Are you committed to taking off the mask and honoring your own diversity?
During Ramadan, which happens to be the ninth month of the Islamic calendar during which the revelation of the Quran to the Prophet Muhammad occurred, Muslims observe a rigorous fast for about 30 days. This is done until the Eid-al-Fitr holiday, when the fast is broken. During this time, most still have to attend to their regular work and personal duties and routines, despite the observance of the fast.
I was born and raised in Senegal, a predominantly Muslim country. Although I was raised Catholic, I saw most of my Muslim friends, along with their families, partake in the sacred Ramadan fast every year. I learnt through them the rigors of this holy month, and developed much respect for those who observe it. As Senegal is a very inclusive country, I also learnt to take this inclusivity with me every place I went. Even today as an immigrant in the US, I’m still reminded of how important it is to be inclusive in all places during Ramadan.
Here are 3 tips out of my own experience and that of so many others, to practice inclusion at work with our Muslim co-workers during Ramadan:
Get informed
Not everyone is familiar with Ramadan, and that’s ok. However, there are countless sources of information and available research to get educated on it. You can learn about the traditions around it, how it’s observed, and the undeniable consequences on work and life. This can help you better understand, and support your colleagues during this time.
During Ramadan, Muslims fast from sun-up to sun-down. This is an important change to consider and be inclusive about in your teams and departments. A good start may be to talk among your teams, especially if you’re a manager, and make sure everyone is aware of fellow co-workers observing the fast, and how best to support them.
Take it into account when organizing events or meetings around food, so they don’t feel excluded. It could be as simple as offering the option for take-outs or wrapping some of the food for later. It could also be refraining from pressuring a fellow co-worker to eat or drink. A small gesture can go a long way towards showing compassion and inclusiveness.
On the other hand, please keep in mind that not all Muslims necessarily fast during Ramadan. Additionally, some may only do so during part of the month. This can help in avoiding awkward conversations as well.
Be willing to be flexible
Last but not least, flexibility is key when supporting co-workers during this time. Different individuals observe Ramadan differently. Be open to colleagues’ suggestions as to how best to support them during this time. It may be affording them the opportunity to come in late, leave early, or maybe alter their work assignments in some way or another.
Most importantly, supporting colleagues and co-workers during Ramadan is a matter of being open to learning about it, showing consideration and inclusiveness, and being flexible.
How else have you supported Muslim co-workers and colleagues during Ramadan?
Does having kids hurt your career? As a working mom, it may be tempting to think so. Just the mere fact of going on maternity leave can sometimes seem like a step back for many working moms, as their absence in the office often puts them at a disadvantage. By the time many working moms come back to work, their most important responsibilities may have been reassigned. Or they may no longer be privy to the same conversations and access they used to have. Even worse, their competencies may be questioned, now that they have to “balance” work and life.
As a result, there is a wide pre-conception that having kids hurts working moms’ careers. According to recent studies, the gender pay gap is largely a consequence of motherhood. A study by the Census Bureaureveals that the earnings gap between spouses of opposite sexes doubles between the two before the couple’s first child is born, and a year thereafter. When surveyed, as in this Pew Research Center’s publication, Americans and Europeans have the tendency to agree with women working part-time or not at all after having children. All in all, the statistics out there are far from being encouraging when it comes to working moms’ careers after children.
In my own experience, having kids actually did wonders for my career. Although I did initially feel, especially after coming back from maternity leave, as if I had made a few steps back, the difference for me was more mental and spiritual. Having children allowed me to start asking myself the tough questions: “What am I here for? What is my purpose? How is my career advancing my purpose?” These questions in turn allowed me to re-direct my work towards a more fulfilling path aligned with who I am and what my purpose is.
Despite the staggering statistics out there, it is up to us, as working moms, to re-frame the context of our own lives and careers. Not in terms of impossible choices to make (having kids or a successful career?), but in terms of how we can integrate, not balance, the various areas of our lives and work to show up and perform in the fullness of who we are:
Allow the experience of motherhood to help you-re-define yourself
Motherhood is an experience like no other. I strongly believe we’re not born mothers, we become mothers. It’s a wonderful path of constant growth and self-discovery. I’m happy (and relieved) to say that I’m probably learning more from my children than they are learning from me. However, it took me some time to allow this growth and change in myself, as I was stubbornly attached to the way things were and “should be”.
By allowing the experience of motherhood, with all its ups and downs, late appointments, booked schedules, messy mornings and sweet kisses, to change us, we allow ourselves to grow and be re-defined as well. And yes, it also affects our careers and the way we work. It may mean reconsidering our current field, company or occupation entirely. It may mean becoming a stay-at-home mom, or an entrepreneur. It may also mean taking a pay cut, or watch our earnings decline. Whatever it is, it will rock your career, not for the worse, but for the better.
Give yourself permission to re-direct yourself
Becoming a mom will change your life, and it will change your career. Not that you necessarily need to change jobs, or switch companies, or go hiking in the Himalayas. But it will change the way you perceive the work you do. For some, it may be a confirmation of what you are already doing. For others, it may be a total re-direction.
This is where it’s crucial to give yourself permission to re-direct yourself and your work. Does it mean you should get up and leave the job that is paying rent and putting food in the kids’ mouths? No. Yet, it means being opened to a gradual evolution in your work. It may be developing a side hustle into a business while you keep your day job. It may be asking for more flexibility or considering a lateral move in your company. Whatever it is, give yourself permission to consider and explore it, one bit at a time.
Trust the process
Last but not least, trust the process. Being a working mom is not something you can plan on a day to day basis. Things will happen, laundry will pile up, traffic will keep you from making it to work on time, and poopy diapers will have you re-consider the very meaning of life.
Yet, this is not a sign that kids are derailing, slowing down or hurting your career. It’s just the signal that change is here to help you become your best self.
Do you think having kids has hurt or benefited your career?
