I can’t distinctly recall when it happened exactly. Somewhere between the “tween” and teen stage, my daughter refused to wear dresses. Or at least the dresses I would buy her. While seemingly insignificant, this drew a pretty significant line in the sand of my motherhood experience. And it wasn’t just about the nostalgia of pretty pink flowery dresses either…Somewhere through this shift, the reality of parenting teens as a working mom in modern times brutally imposed itself, with its heavy weight of mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical pressure, tempered only by the bittersweet adventure that is mothering young adults…
Why didn’t anyone tell me about any of this before? Wasn’t I supposed to be warned of the impending, heart-wrenching rip in one’s mother’s heart that is adolescence? And why didn’t anyone share the remedies available to such a drastic transition, especially through the uncertainty of a modern world without a blueprint for working moms?
THE CHALLENGES OF PARENTING TEENS
While there is ample research on the topic of adolescence in general, and parenting’s impact on teens, much less has been studied on the effect of parenting teens on working moms. The reality is, parenting is an ever-evolving, sweet and sour battle for mothers. In the book Maternal Optimism: Forging positive paths through work and motherhood, authors Jamie Ledge and Danna Greenberg describe motherhood as a non-linear path. They also encourage working moms to forge their own paths through its various stages.
This is compounded with the fact that modern parenting has upped the ante for working moms. Unprecedented rates of mental health issues and detrimental teen social media exposure are now haunting parents. A major international study pointed out an acute increase in problematic teenage social media use. In May 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory to protect children online, with an emphasis on teenagers’ online habits. To make matters worse, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey Data Summary & Trends Report, high school students’ “suicidality” (including suicidal thoughts, attempts and plans) has surged from 2011 to 2021. Is it then any wonder that the U.S. Surgeon General also issued an advisory in August 2024 calling for increased support of parents, families and caregivers?
TRANSITIONING TO THE ADOLESCENCE STAGE AS A WORKING MOM
As a working mom and parent of teenagers, the transition to adolescence was a particularly challenging one. It wasn’t just about kids growing up or their own personal dress choices (goodbye, flowery pink dresses). Nor was it just about my own nostalgia of earlier years and the bitter sweetness of kids growing up. It was mostly about the unpreparedness that I, and so many other working mothers, feel when faced with the mental, emotional and physical roller-coaster of teenage years.
The days of kissing kids’ boo-boos are now being replaced with the need to be available to manage emotional meltdowns, keep unseen social media dangers at bay, and learn about potential mental health concerns. It also means becoming better at integrating work and life, being there for first dates and soccer tournaments, tracking phones’ activities, and learning new cool words. There are so many joys, big and small, embedded in each precious moment of discovery and learning as a mom of teens. There are also many small and large costs involved, from the switching costs of focus, to the heavier mental load of constantly being preoccupied with teens’ online, mental and physical safety…
In the busy world of modern parenting, no one prepares you for this…As an immigrant particularly, adapting to new ways of thinking and doing parenting in a decidedly different world, no one even thinks to warn you beforehand. As a woman at work, there is no memo explaining that you may have to interrupt a presentation because your teen sends you a preoccupying text, or because it’s only their third time driving on the highway…
MANAGING THE TEEN TRANSITION
So, without a blueprint, and in the absence of a supportive village in many cases, how can we as working moms manage the transition to and new parenting phase of adolescence? Here are three ways I’d like to suggest, from my own imperfect and still very much ongoing experience:
Get prepared!
Don’t wait until adolescence is knocking at the door of your motherhood journey to learn about it. Talk to moms of teenagers around you, ask questions, and start preparing for your own journey into the teenage years.
I wish someone had sat me down for a good, sobering, maybe even tear-filled chat about it. But no one did, because unfortunately there aren’t enough crucial conversations about mothering to go aroung. So instead of waiting for those conversations, why don’t we initiate them?
Define your own brand of adolescent motherhood!
As your kids become teenagers, so does your experience of motherhood. While there’s much valid parenting advice out there, the reality is, parenting is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Hence the need to define and develop your own brand of mothering through the teenage years. While you may choose to be more hands-on in your approach, another mom may opt to adopt a more surrendered perspective.
How you see yourself as a mom during the teenage years is going to affect much of your motherhood journey. So choose a vision and an approach that is flexible enough to reflect who you authentically are and who you’re growing into as a working mom.
Build your own path through the teen years.
Getting prepared for the journey and defining your own brand of motherhood through the teen years is setting the foundation. Building your own path is actually doing the work. This is where you get your hands dirty, and shape your own journey as a working mom of teenagers.
It may mean altering the way you’ve been building your career, allowing for more flexibility and availability. Or doing the healing work that allows you to better understand, evolve and accompany your kids through this phase. It also means having the necessary, often tough, conversations with your teens as you steer them and yourself through this new phase of your relationship. For me, it’s been actively learning what it means to parent teenagers in a modern society. Books such as Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s The Conscious Parent, or The Awakened Family, have been precious guides in the process. Whatever it is for you, it will require taking some action or another as you tread on this path.
Overall, parenting teens should be talked about more often and honestly among working moms. More stories, advice and recommendations should be shared to help working moms. More information should also be shared with places of employment, organizations and business structures, so they can recognize and honor this delicate phase of parenting for working moms. There ought to be more personal and professional support and infrastructure for working mothers going through this phase as well.
By getting prepared early, defining your own brand of adolescent mothering, and building your own unique path through it, you can lessen the shock often involved during these years. You can also leverage the beauty of this phase of motherhood without relinquishing yourself as a working woman and mom.
What advice do you have for working moms parenting teens?
The Corporate Sis.
