On using your voice and regaining your power in the wake of shootings

For a few weeks after I lost my sister, I lost my voice. Literally. I couldn’t speak, or write, or even think clearly for a while. Something inside of me went numb for some time, then rose in uncontrollable anger, then later subsided in the depths of my soul, (still) looking for peace and closure of some kind. If you’ve grieved for someone you’ve lost, physically or spiritually, you may be nodding as you’re reading…

In the wake of the recent shootings, I was reminded yet again what it feels like to deal with something you don’t understand, and grieve for a pain you can’t exactly put a qualifier on. And so are most of us witnessing, from close or far, the traumatic events of the past few months…

We may not personally know the victims or all of those involved. Yet our human voice intimately recognizes them, as it alternately goes numb, rises in anger, drops in sadness, and searches around for peace, understanding and closure…And very often, we’re not sure what to do with that voice. Not sure whether we should let it roam free, expressing itself as it feels when it feels it? Or whether to restrain it, using logic, reason and other grown-up mental boxes, only letting out what is politically correct enough? Or even if we should park it somewhere for a while, until we figure out what to do with all our feelings and emotions?

Every time humanity is violated, our human voices are awakened from their torpor, warning us of a need to restore peace and order in the fabric of life. We have an opportunity to use it to grieve, channel it to regain our power and inspire others. But we also can struggle with it, not quite sure how to push aside the walls of convenience and political correctness…

After my sister passed, I didn’t know what to do with my voice. I couldn’t be angry forever, or just choose to ignore the pain. Both alternatives certainly lessened the pain, but they also left me empty, unfulfilled and endlessly reaching for carbs. I could use it instead, but how? And what for? Would it even be worth it? It wouldn’t bring her back, or change the stark reality of things. What was the point?

I believe grief is not just a healing process, it’s also a transformative one. We often grieve without even realizing it, as we watch terrible news online, witness tragedy around us, or fill our time with busy work to avoid the hard stuff. What we don’t often do, is grab that grief by its ugly, slippery black collar, shake it, and let all the real good stuff come out of it through our voice.

Real good stuff that can help us not just regain our power, but multiply the positive effects of our voices as citizens, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, uncles, aunts, human beings:

Use Your Platform

We all have a platform. All.of.us. Whether it’s within our families, our circle of friends, at work, at church, on the subway…Wherever we may find ourselves at any moment can serve as a platform. One where we can live, embody and speak our truth, while still respecting the boundaries of others’ freedom and truth…

That’s what Issa Rae, the creator of the web series The Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl and upcoming HBO comedy Insecure, did when she set a scholarship fund for 37-year old black man fatally shot by police, Alton Sterling. It’s also what Beyonce did when challenging fans to lobby politicians to change the current gun laws.

You may not have Beyonce or Issa Rae’s platform of millions of fans and followers. Yet, wherever you may be, you have a platform in which you can use your voice for good. Whether it’s starting a fund, or spreading understanding instead of hatred, or writing a blog post, you can effect change wherever you are.

Strategically direct your voice

When we think of using our voices, we may think of protesting or organizing movements. Which is all good and well, when done respectfully and in peace. But real power, real influence, is effected when we can not just use our voices, but control HOW we use them.

Having kids has taught me that authority and power doesn’t come from forcefully using my voice and exerting my influence. Power comes from strategically directing your voice. By owning your message and choosing the most effective, peaceful, high-impact medium to channel it. Remember Diamond Reynolds, the girlfriend of Philando Castile? Her calm and politeness had more effect than any protest in exposing an excruciatingly difficult situation.

For some of us, it’s through our art. For others, it’s through our material resources. For all of us, it’s first and foremost in how we choose to live our lives and embody the freedom and love that binds us all, regardless of race, gender, nationality and creed.

Face the Conflict

Let’s be real…Many of us would rather avoid difficult conversations, especially when they revolve around race, religion or politics. We’d rather turn a blind eye and deaf ear, if only not to deal with our own grief. Yet what we may not realize is that it also robs us of our power. There’s something inside you that gets smaller every time you let go of an opportunity to use your voice for good.

In her piece entitled “The Conversation We Must Have With Our White Children”, Courtney Martin deals with difficult issues most wouldn’t dare addressing.

Facing the conflict isn’t about resorting to violence or letting anger take over. It’s about being willing to have the difficult, painful conversations so many of us avoid. It’s about taking the curtain down, and telling the truth about how we feel, without blame or condemnation. It’s saying “This hurts, and it has to change”.