“I want to be like her when I grow up.”
I remember as a younger girl, looking at successful, high-achieving women around me and dreaming of being just like them, down to their seven-inch stilettos and perfectly polished hair. Even as a little girl, I was already in awe of all that women could do. In my then-lack of maturity and experience, I believed that if only I could replicate exactly what these women did or said, down to how they laughed, sat straight, and drank their mint tea, I would also be successful. Just like them…
Fast-forward a few years, a few jobs, a couple of kids, and this one grey hair that for some reason keeps popping up in the middle of my head, and this little girl has learnt (and is still learning) a thing or two about success:
- That success is well-being first, and has nothing to do with status, position, title or money;
- And that most importantly, success is not replicable. We may be inspired by others, but we’re not them, and they’re not us. You can only be successful like you, and you get to define what that is.
However, it can be easier said than done. As working women and moms, we deal with so many demands and expectations on our time and energy, from well-meaning family members to colleagues at work and business partners. We have to be good moms, wives, partners, friends, sisters, ace our careers, make time for fitness and oatmeal face masks, while still keeping our sense of humor intact. If you add to it the highlight reel that is social media, you quickly realize how tempting it can be to fall into the mold of society. To look to others not just for inspiration, but for models to replicate, instead of following our own path.
In my own experience, here is what choosing to be successful like you and build your own lane requires:
- Unlearn society’s negative messages
We internalize so many messages from society, from early childhood on, as to what we should do and not do. Most of these are aimed at satisfying the people around us. If you have African or Indian parents, you know you may have been expected to become a doctor or engineer. As a little girl, you may have been expected to keep your voice quiet or not discuss your accomplishments.
A big part of building your own lane of success is to un-learn these messages, which for most of us, have become entrenched in our beliefs. Replace them with positive and uplifting affirmations that speak to your power rather than your limitations.
- Ask yourself: What does success mean to me?
I didn’t ask myself this question until I became a mom and simultaneously started hitting a professional and personal wall. I was no longer excited about much (part of which was due, as I realized later, to post-partum depression), and wasn’t sure which way to go in my life or career. That’s when I started re-defining what success meant to me. Did it mean being a good mom, getting the next promotion, making lots of money, or a combination of all these?
Related: You can be a good mom and still follow your dreams
It’s only when I started defining what my own brand of success means to me that things truly changed for the best. For me, it meant then a series of small and big things, such as being able to spend time with my kids, finding time to write, teaching and learning, for instance. What I also realized is that my definition of success keeps evolving as I grow and continue to shift as an individual. And that’s ok, as long as it’s still MY definition and not anyone else’s…
- Who do you have to become in order to achieve your own version of success?
We talk a lot about achieving goals, fulfilling objectives, as we keep our attention turned towards something to happen in the future. Then when we achieve these goals and objectives, we bask in their glory a bit, only to crave more goals to go after. Does that sound like a rat race to you? Because it is…
It occurred to me a few years back that it’s less about WHAT we want to get, than WHO we we were made to become. That it’s really about feeling happier and fulfilled, more than it will ever be about stuff, titles or positions. Nowadays I try to replace as much as possible the question: “What do I have to do today?”, with “Who am I becoming, and what does that require me to do?”.
So yes, I still hang out with this little girl inside of me who used to revel at the sight of these well-dressed, impressive, high-achieving women around her. And I still am tremendously inspired by all the wonderful ladies surrounding me…But what that little girl has started saying instead is: “ You know what, I want to look like ME when I grow up”…
What is your definition of success?
The Corporate Sis.
