As busy working moms, it can be challenging to nurture our marriages. Between raising children, breaking ceilings in our careers and businesses, not to mention dealing with the proverbial laundry and house chores (which we still do most of), nurturing your marriage can quickly be relegated to the end of your gigantic to-do list.
Seriously, who wants to plan romantic walks on the beach with your significant other when the kids can’t find underwear, you can’t find a babysitter, and both of you have MAJOR work meetings in the morning? How do you keep the romance (or any conversation) going when you’re checking your work email and planning to finish a report after dinner? And how can you nurture your special bond when you barely have time to have a real conversation?
As a working mom, I’m amazed at how fast time flies between home, work and life in general. Days turn into weeks which turn into months and years. Like many other working moms, I’ve had to stop and ask myself how to concretely make time for my marriage. Not just fit in whatever free minute I could save here and there, even if half-asleep.
While it still is a struggle, there are a few ways to systematically nurture your marriage, in the midst of busy family and work demands:
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Take care of YOU first
I remember a date night during which I broke down and admitted that I didn’t want to go on a date. Not because there was any particular issues (other than the usual “whose turn is it to wash the dishes”), but because I was exhausted. As a mom of toddlers at the time, I felt like the whole “getting pretty”/”looking human” pre-date process, along with the effort of keeping my eyelids open during dinner (and dessert), were additional to-do’s on my unending list. I felt bad for feeling this way, considering how hard it was to get babysitters, and guilty for being so crass to the hubby.
Yet, what I came to understand was that I was simply not taking care of myself enough to have anything left for my marriage. You just can’t give what you don’t have. In this case, you cannot give to someone else what you’re not first giving to yourself.
It became obvious to me that part of nurturing my marriage, actually the most important part, was to take care of myself first. It took me a while to figure out what that looks like for me and my particular circumstances. Sometimes, it’s simply reading a book, sitting quietly somewhere, or hanging out with girlfriends. Yet when I started doing it, I also started finding more energy, desire and strength to nurture my marriage. Kinda like the whole exercising to have more energy thing, don’t ask me how it works, but it does…
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Be intentional about it
When you have a work deliverable due in the morning, the kids both have fever, and your hair hasn’t been washed in days, it’s hard to be intentional about anything, including marital bliss. After all, it takes work to nurture a relationship, especially a marriage. It requires attention, time, energy, availability, and the capacity to not fall asleep on your spouse sharing their career frustrations or long-term dreams. Yet, it’s necessary.
For me, it’s a matter of setting an intention for my relationship as often as I can, whether through prayer, journaling, or even just in thought. Nothing elaborate either. It’s a simple commitment to try and be more present in our marriages. No false lashes, perfect curls, or flat stomachs required. Just to be there, fully there…
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Plan your schedule accordingly
I used to chuckle at couples who would actually plan out their dates and time together. While some room should be left for spontaneity, when you’re juggling the pressure of keeping your job, your sanity, and your kids on track, scheduling becomes a must. Yes, even for dates (or just alone bathroom time)…
And no, planning does not take the romance away. What it does take away is the stress of having to take the kids to a non-kid friendly restaurant as you wobble on your stilettos and body-con dress because it’s probably the only opportunity you’ll have to wear them…
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Spend time away from the kids
As a self-proclaimed helicopter parent, I can proudly confirm that time away from the kids is not only necessary. It’s indispensable. There are only so many cartoons, and kiddie conversations one can have. You need adult conversations, and possibly beverages with pretty colors, albeit in moderation.
Here too, scheduling is key. Schedule some alone time, well in advance (as you may have to run a whole campaign to get anyone to agree to keep ALL of your kids for more than two minutes). The point is, give yourself permission to have this time alone to re-connect (or just sleep, in clean hotel sheets someone else will be washing the next day)…
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Have honest, raw conversations
Whoever said happy couples don’t argue, please send me the memo I missed. Nurturing your marriage when you have so much to do you’re thankful your head is screwed on right (or you hope) also means being honest about:
- Things not working out
- Things being too busy
- Your or him not exactly being happy at the moment
- Your aversion to laundry, etc…
The point is, you can schedule all your dates, find the best babysitters, and jet-set to Phuket kids-free; yet if you’re not willing to face the ordinary, mundane times when even Netflix needs extra TLC, then “Houston we have a serious problem”. And yes, those are going to happen, more often than you think…
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Respect your couple’s dynamics
Different couples have different dynamics. Which also means the whole #couplegoals hashtag is absolutely irrelevant. The same couple smiling on camera two minutes ago is probably now swapping choice words around who forgot to put gas in the car (not that I would know). But I digress…
As busy working moms, it’s even more important to understand and respect our own couple dynamics. Some couples are perfect spending the whole day apart and reuniting in the evening to share highlights of the day. Others send each other emoji-filled love notes every hour on the hour. Some have joint bank accounts, others are adamant about each person’s financial independence. Whatever your own couple dynamics is, get it, talk about it and respect it. Oh, and skip the #couplegoals posts on Instagram too…
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Let go and start over
If relationships are filled with trial and error, then marriage is a whole obstacle course. When you add to it the ups and downs of careers, businesses, parenting, and uneven landscaping (some of us have different problems), it gets complicated. As a matter of fact, that’s what I tell myself pretty much daily: “It’s complicated…”
Nurturing your marriage as a busy working mom also means starting over, letting go of the mistakes and errors on the way, and doing it all over again. From trying to fit in date night in five years, to picking the right school district, not to mention changing jobs, being out of work, and having the ugliest front yard in the neighborhood, it’s a process. Allow it!
How do you nurture your marriage as a busy working mom?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
