The holidays are a happy time. At least , judging by the highlight reel that is social media, it’s supposed to be. Yet, for many, it’s also a time of dealing more than usual with their dysfunctional families, laced with interludes of gift-giving and awkward sideways hugs. As a disclaimer, most, if not all families, include some element of dysfunctionality. If they didn’t, we’d all be bored out of our minds, and would be way too sane for our own good.

From the crazy uncle who always has something not-so-funny to say (especially after a couple of drinks), to your great-aunt asking why you’re not married (or not having another kid soon), not to mention your two aunties ready to jump at each other’s throat, there can be many ticking human bombs threatening to turn otherwise fun festivities into sheer tests of patience. Thankfully, there are also many positive ways to deal with normal (and abnormal) dysfunction in families without  losing your mind (and your cool):

 

1. Mentally prepare yourself

I’ve learnt over time that potentially stressful situations require adequate prior mental preparation. Rather than buying your head in the sand and pretending all is well, start ahead of time by creating your own mental and spiritual shield.

• First, think about and identify what and who triggers you during family events over the holidays. Is it a certain type of remarks? A particular individual? A specific topic of discussion? Knowing this will help you address any difficult situation before and as they arise.
• If necessary, think of ways to answer to and even confront these situations. You may even have to rehearse these ahead of time. Before you start laughing, consider how better equipped you’ll be afterwards.
• Strengthen yourself mentally and spiritually. It could be through positive affirmations, motivational messages, or simply by taking some time out to truly appreciate who you are and all that you’ve done. The more you appreciate yourself, the less room there will be for someone else’s negative opinion of or comment about you to take root…

 

2. You don’t have to avoid confrontation…

One of the biggest obstacles we may face over the holidays when dealing with dysfunctional families is due to our fear of confronting tough situations. This is especially true when dealing with family members. Unfortunately, it’s often those who are closer to us who can hurt us the most, and not facing them can bring about a lifetime of suffering and resentment.

The god news is, you don’t have to avoid confrontation at all costs. As long as you keep your interaction respectful, it’s ok to address situations that may make you uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of pointing out the hurt certain remarks or attitudes may cause you. While you may not be able to control others’ behavior, you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself, with all due respect, including to yourself.

 

3. But prioritize your peace

I’ve learnt that there is no price too small to pay for peace. As much as you owe it to yourself to confront certain situations as necessary, prioritizing your peace is key. This may also mean avoiding an unnecessary argument, not participating in certain conversations, or even staying away altogether. It may also mean seeking closure and reconciling with a family member, or finally putting a long-lasting feud to rest.

What does peace mean to you over the holidays? Depending on your unique family situation, you may have to determine it for yourself.

 

4. Let it go!

Last but not least, while the holidays may at times be trying in dysfunctional families, it’s important to not carry the resulting baggage with you. We’re all different people with various sensitivities, feelings and experiences. Sour words may be exchanged, hurtful remarks made, or offensive behaviors had. At the end of the day, we must learn to let it go and move on.

Many, if not most families, have one or many dysfunctional elements, from interesting family members to painful pasts. Dealing with it can be challenging, but not impossible. As a matter of fact, it may be a wonderful opportunity to learn, strengthen yourself and come out on the other side as a wiser, stronger and more compassionate human being.

 

 

To Your Success,

The Corporate Sis.