While ambition may be viewed a tad negatively for women, it’s largely considered a positive trait in men. After all, the breadwinner’s role is one that has been considered male for ages, and with it the embodiment of ambition and the pursuit of success. Yet, what happens when an ambitious man and woman find themselves joined together as partners? Whose ambition comes on top and whose ambition must subside? Or is it possible that both sets of aspirations be equally satisfied? In an ideal world, we would wish so. In the real world of cultural and societal norms, morning traffic jams and kids’ temper tantrums, dual ambition is way more complicated than coordinating schedules and sharing dreams of ruling the world.
Take a regular family of four with a generally positive family atmosphere. Both parents have demanding yet flourishing careers. They also have dreams of climbing to the heights of their individual fields, and make no secret of it. In the midst of their dual ambition, life happens, what with its heavy load of poopy diapers, sleepless nights with sick children, kids pick-ups and drop-offs, etc. While both parents are heavily invested in their family, the mom carries the larger share of the unpaid household work and childcare needs. Since she happens to have more flexibility than her partner, which she willfully arranged for after having children, she devotes a large chunk of her time to caring for the family. Yet her ambition has not left her, so she puts in extra hours at night and early in the morning, catching up on work to further her career. By most accounts, it all seems to work, as the father helps a lot, and the entire family appears to juggle heavy schedules, extra-curricular activities and even work travel. What does not appear is the invisible, silent burden carried by the ambitious woman behind closed doors.
In many cases, the scenario above is an ideal one. As a matter of fact, this may be an ideal scenario. In a study analyzing the perceptions of children in dual career families published by the National Council on Families, adolescent children in these families tend to see their lifestyles as generally positive. In many other scenarios, ambitious, dedicated women also have to contend with being single parents, or caring for elderly parents; or the family dynamics are not as positive. Yet, even in what may be considered to be a less-than-ideal scenario, there is an unavoidable power struggle of ambitions and a no-less avoidable yielding of one in favor of the other.
While there are certainly cases of male partners who temporarily or permanently put their careers aside in favor of their female partners’, these seem to be more the exception than the rule. In most instances, dual ambition in a family also means women may have to adjust and regulate theirs to match the tune of their environment, which may also translates into a loss of earnings as well as opportunities, not to mention the significant amount of relational and personal stress created. How can we, as working women, find our place when we find ourselves in the midst of the dual ambition power struggle created by two demanding careers within one family unit?
- Don’t be afraid to have the honest, tough conversations
Marriage and romantic partnership are far from easy to manage to begin with. When we add to it the pressures of two demanding careers, the stretch can bring most couples to the brink of destruction. Add to it a couple (or more) of kids, unending laundry, sticky floors and counters, and you’re in for quite the stressful ride…
This is why it’s so important, especially as working women and moms, to not be afraid to have the honest, raw, tough conversations with your partner. These are the talks about personal ambition, life goals, and even daily scheduling that many, if not most of us, dread having. As women, it may be tempting to avoid them altogether because truth is, we’ve hardly been socialized to demand the space we need in our relationships. However, in couples with dual demanding careers, and in any couple in general, it’s a must without which the whole relationship can be in peril.
As intimidating as it may be, schedule some time to sit down around a glass of wine (or the kids’ apple juice because you didn’t make it to the supermarket this week), and chat about questions such as: “Where do you see your career’ going?”, “What are your dreams?”, “Will you be traveling?”, “Who will care for the kids when we’re both at work?”, and other life and relationship-altering concerns…This may well save your marriage or relationship in the long-run.
- It’s a game of give and take
In couples and partnerships with dual, demanding careers, a healthy exchange of give-and-take is inescapable. While women, even bread-winning wives, tend to provide a larger chunk of the household unpaid work, they cannot do it all (sorry ladies, we are superwomen, not unbreakable). This also means that there has to be some level of support provided by the other partner in the relationship, and/or outsourced to external sources of help such as outside caregivers, cleaning staff, etc.. Without this, maintaining dual demanding careers is virtually impossible. Even when it’s physically done, the mental, emotional and spiritual toll it takes on women outweighs any other wins, career or otherwise.
Setting up the foundation for this give-and-take requires honest and frequent communication as to the needs of both partners. This is especially relevant as individuals, along with their career goals and ambitions, change over time. Priorities need to be re-assessed constantly, and integrated into daily life with intentionality and care.
- Realize that society is not yet ready for complete equity for women
I remember being extremely disappointed at myself for not being able to hold it ALL together as a working mom, including the kids, the marriage, the house, the job, and everything else that really matters to me. However, what I failed to realize then, was that we still (and probably will for quite some time) live in a society that is far from being ready for female equity. From infrastructures to work and everything in between, much of the world as we know it has been created from a historical perspective to cater to the interests of men. Modifying antiquated structures of society will take time and require patience, understanding and compassion for ourselves and others.
This is also a call to realize that we all play a role into creating the society we would like to live and thrive in as working women. We may not be there yet, but each and every one of our choices, from the way we manage our relationships to how we work, has an impact on designing the kind of lives we want to create.
How do you deal with dual, demanding careers in your marriage or relationship as a working woman/mom?
The Corporate Sister
