The last episode of the “House of Healing: The Myth of the Angry Black Woman” aired yesterday on OWN, and I have to say, I was glued to the screen. As in I was in internal talks with my bladder to hold off until the end of the episode…
In this four-part series, spiritual healer, minister and life coach, as well as a personal inspiration of mine, Iyanla Vanzant, tackles the very pervasive “angry black woman” stereotype. Eight African-American women from various professional and personal backgrounds were brought together in the “House of Healing”, where Iyanla helped them examine the pain and brokenness they all felt and acted out as “angry black women” as a result of abandonment and abusive pasts.
When I first came upon the initial episodes, I frankly thought this may be yet another one of the reality shows filling our screens these days. Yet, as I looked more closely, I was riveted to the screen, and most importantly to the stories of these women. As I listened to Lira recounting how she was abandoned by her father, or Chrystale dealing with being estranged from her mother, or Jaimeka coming to terms with her childhood trauma, I felt a disturbing, yet familiar sense of belonging.
Like so many Black women, I too was raised in a single-parent household where Mommy was both Mom and Dad. Where you had to be strong and tough, and being a daddy’s girl was for others, not for you. Where men were not to be trusted, and being realistic was more important than being happy. Which also means hiding the pain of abandonment and betrayal under a hard shell of self-sufficiency and bravery that can come off, and very often does, as “attitude”.
And can we talk about the fact that, according to a Black Women’s Blueprint study, 60% of Black girls have experienced sexual abuse from black men before the age of 18? Those are statistics that are often hidden by the code of silence in the Black community, yet merely start to reveal the trauma so many Black women silently conceal their entire lives. Those are the same women who are still grieving, and don’t know how, neither do have the adequate tools, to embody the love they’ve never received or experienced…The same women who may struggle to find life partners and husbands, and/or may be left raising kids on their own…The same women who may see a reflection of themselves in other women, and dislike them in the same way they dislike themselves…
Don’t get me wrong…This is not to excuse any questionable behavior in any way. Yet what Iyanla has achieved in this four-part event is show what’s really behind the curtains of so many Black women’s lives. To demonstrate that the “angry black woman” stereotype is not just a stereotype. That it’s actually a myth rooted in the fact that as a society, we haven’t yet fully grasped the depth and width of the experiences making up a vital layer of our society. That unless we can understand and hear the stories that are not always being told, we continue to deny them. And that once we can understand them, then we can all heal…
All of us, including the men in our lives, our partners, fathers, sons, brothers and cousins. I caught both the hubby and my father-in-law trying to conceal their emotions as they watched these women’s testimonies on-screen. And it made me smile inside…
Whether we want it or not, when one part of the fabric of society is affected, we’re all affected. Every time the “angry black woman” stereotype arises, whether at work, within our families, on TV, on social media or any other forum, we all suffer from it, starting with the so-called “angry black woman” herself. And instead of helping us all heal, it deepens the hurt and perpetuates the stigma.
As Iyanla puts it so well, “I’m not my sister’s keeper, I am my sister”. What we see in others exists in ourselves. When a fellow sister is hurt, her pain rolls over to us, leaving us hurt as well. When she heals, we all heal too.
And when we finally can see that there are no “angry black women”, but rather women who need to heal, women who need to be embraced, women silently screaming for help, then we can destroy the myth and welcome the peace.
So thank you, Ms. Vanzant, thank you for daring to lift the curtain on the sometimes ugly, yet always redemptive, truth behind the lives of so many women. As for you, “Angry Black Woman” myth, I’ve got two words for you: “Bye Felicia!”
Love,
The Corporate Sis.
