Typical morning! By the time you roll out of bed, your entire schedule is flashing before your eyes, from getting the kids’ breakfast ready to meeting every deadline for the day. For many, if not most working moms, this is done on a stand-alone basis, with limited, sometimes non-existent, help from their partners.
One of the recurring complaints I keep hearing from working moms through the COVID-19 pandemic is all around the added load and burden of caring for kids and the household, in addition to handling work responsibilities. However, while men have been participating more in household chores, they’ve still been able to achieve much more work than women. Overall, in the work-from-home revolution, women got left behind while the inequities in the home and at work keep being perpetuated. As a matter of fact, Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood Survey reveals mothers are in a critical state of burnout.
How realistic is it for a working woman and working mom to give her all in her career, when the brunt of the home responsibilities falls on her? How many jobs can a working mom do at once, especially during this pandemic, caring for children, elderly parents, the household, all the while breaking herself to keep being employed? What conversations must be had at home and in the workplace to not just assist working women and moms, but actually set them up for success? These are many questions hovering over the surface of the still gigantic gap separating women and men at work. Questions that will probably take a long time to answer, yet that we in the meantime can help address in the home with a few changes:
Have THE equity talk with your partner
This is a conversation that should actually be had before people commit to each other, and frequently thereafter:
How can we handle household responsibilities to preserve a sense of equity?
How can we help each other grow in our purpose?
What are the non-negotiables in terms of equity?
These are just some of the questions that can, and will pop up as you have THE talk.
Set ground rules and boundaries (and stick to them)
Life happens, habits set in, and it can be so easy for the lines between equity and non-equity in the household to be blurred. Hence the importance of setting ground rules and establishing clear boundaries…While each household functions differently, basic ground rules around the distribution of household chores and care is quite common..
Even more important to setting ground rules and boundaries, sticking to them is crucial. It’s one thing to establish a new family pattern, and another one to keep it consistent in the long-run.
Involve the kids
Why do my kids walk straight past their dad to come ask me for a snack and the meaning of life? The reality is, many of the patterns we find in our households, are also internalized and learnt by our kids. This is why it’s so important to involve the kids in equity discussions in the household, as these will teach them much and later impact the way they see gender equity in all areas of their lives.
This may also mean openly assigning various chores and responsibilities irrespective of gender (yes, boys can do dishes and cook while girls take the trash out). Establishing a household atmosphere where equity is the norm goes a long way…
All in all, gender equity starts at home, and has wide repercussions on work and society at large. Beginning the fight at home can make a world of difference…
Dear Working Mom is our love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…This week, we’re dedicating it to all the mamas who’ve been summoned by the loud and silent cries to end racism.
Dear Mamas,
You’ve been watching the news with fear and horror gripping your chest, as you repress screams of horror at the sight of injustices and inhumane behavior done to human beings because of the color of their skin…The same melanated skin that covers yours and your children’s bodies… The same bodies that are unsafe out in the streets and inside homes…
You’ve been watching your children with angst, sifting through the words that would make your pain bearable and their understanding softer…How do you explain to little minds that some people hate other people because of the color of their skin? How do you explain to yourself that you have to explain this to them? How do you answer the question: “Mom, what’s racism?“
There is a pain that is unpalpable, an anguish that one cannot put into words, but that you know all too well. It’s the anguish you feel every time you hear of another race-related incident. Every time your sons or daughters are going out with friends, or just going to the corner store…It’s the weight in your chest when you read about another tragedy around another Black son or daughter, when your heart of mother gets summoned at the call of “Mama” from any child who could have been your child…
Yet, there is this strength, this incredible, monumental, divine strength only mothers can muster in the face of tragedy and despair…This strength that carries you through and over supernaturally through unspeakable mountains of heartbreak… This superhuman strength that girds you with the resilience of survivors, building up your warrior’s heart, and transforming you into the agent of change of your community, your workplace, your circle…
It’s the same strength wrapped in unbearable pain that allows you to show up in hostile workspaces and still be your best. It is the same resilience that pushes you to run for office, to start the business, to raise funds for the anti-racism non-for-profit organization, to raise by example and not by word. It is in you, in the depths of your sorrow, in the breadth and width of your hope, in the height of your character…
Dear Mamas, we see you, we hear you, we walk alongside you, we commit to working for change by your side…
“Mom, what’s racism?” When my son asked me this loaded question, I started sweating profusely. How do you explain racism? Even more importantly (and more confusing), how do you explain racism to kids?
Racism is complex to think about and talk about. Racism is even more complex to discuss with kids. While we should have conversations with our children about the existence and disastrous effects of racism, there are also books that can help them better understand the history behind it. Here are 33 books of them, centering on race, racism and diversity, in words and concepts for kids:
Age: 4-8; This gorgeous account by Academy-award winner Lupita Nyongo of a little dark-skinned girl called Sulwe speaks to children about colorism, diversity and honoring who you are.
Age: 6-10 years; Mama Africa is the nickname of Grammy-award winning South African singer Miriam Makeba, who rose to fame during the segregationist regime of apartheid and whose story this book recounts.
Age: 4+ – This picture book provides an inspirational introduction to the story of four Black women who helped NASA launch men into space!
Age: 8-12; Through children’s stories from many African countries, this book fights to counter stereotypes and celebrate racial diversity.
Age: 5+ – This 2016 New York Times Best Illustrated Book is a poetic piece of African-American history depicting New Orlean’s Congo Square as the heart of freedom.
Age: 5+ – This powerful and moving picture book uses original plantation documents and slave auction to document the lives of slaves
Age: 6+ – This beautiful work introduces young readers to the unique work of Jean-Michel Basquiat, who knew success when young.
Age: 6+ – Kids are being taught in this book about Mandela’s life as illustrated by stunning art.
Age: 8+ – In this gorgeous work, stunning art is used to amplify the words of Dr. King for kids.
Age: 8+ – This powerful book is a thrilling account of kids investigating a racist incident.
Age: 6-9 – The lives of 10 Black women activists in the face of oppression are celebrated in this book around the battles and triumphs of the civil rights movement.
Age: 6-9; When Sylvia Mendez, an American citizen of Puerto Rican and Mexican heritage, was denied enrollment to a “whites only” school, her parents organized the Latinx community to win a lawsuit against the segregation of schools in California.
Age: 4-8; For every time when we may feel like “the other”, the only one in the room, or just “different”, this book reminds us about the power of courageous connection.
Age: 7-10; This beautiful illustrated book literally walks children through the beautiful and diverse Senegalese culture via Aminata’s morning walks to school. An ode to my native country!
Age: 5-9; Whe Viola Desmond refused to be budged from her seat in the Roseland theatre in Nova Scotia, she became a symbol of racial justice in Canada.
Age: 5-8; Healthy Black hair is beautiful, and this powerful work reminds little and big girls everywhere of this beautiful fact!
Age: 4-8; The legendary Miss Lena Horne, renowned African-American actress and civil rights activist, is celebrated in this picture book for kids.
Age: 7-11; This story of identity, resiliance, and resistance follows the life of Irene, taken away from her First Nations family, and fighting to reclaim herself.
Age: 3-7; This is the story of Florence Mills, born to slaves and destined to become a singing sensation on the Harlem stages in the 1920’s, who used her fame to promote civil rights and Black performers.
All ages; 40 history-making Black women, from poet Maya Angelou to mathematician Katherine Johnson, are highlighted in this educational compilation of stories.
Ages: 4-8; This book combines extraordinary poetry by Ntozake Shange with outstanding art from Kadir Nelson to tell the story of Correta Scott King through the vision of and civil rights freedom she shared with Martin Luther King.
Ages: 5-8; From her escape from slavery to her purpose in leading others to freedom, this poignant account introduces kids to slavery and to the glorious life of Harriet Tubman.
Ages: 4-8; When Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus in Montgomery, Alabama, she made history!
Age: 5-9; Sojourner Truth spent her life spreading her message of equal rights for Black people and women, which is shared with children in a beautiful way through this book.
Age: 3-7; Written by a citizen of the Cherokee nation, this book teaches kids about modern Native American life.
Age: 9-12; Voices of Freedom introduces children to activist Fannie Lou Hammer, who was a civil rights champion from 1950’s to 1970’s.
Age: 6-11; Anna May Wong is the first Chinese American movie star in Hollywood, who used her fame to fight for racial equality in the movie industry. This book takes kids into racial justice in the film industry.
Age: 5+; In simple, sometimes silly words, this book introduces kids to the concept of racism, celebrating differences and having a conversation about race.
Age: 7-11; This fiction book tells the story of Ruths’ family trip by car in the 1950’s, and teaches children about the Jim Crow laws and how the historical Green Book helped African-American travelers remain safe.
Age: 4-12; This fun, cute and entertaining book also teaches children about the importance of diversity and differences.
Age: 3-7; Sesame Street shows kids everywhere that while we should celebrate differences, what matters is that we’re more alike than different!
Age: 1-12; From the creators of Hair Like Mine, Skin Like Mine is a powerful and fun ode to diversity for children.
Age: 5-7; A vivid account of the fight for Mexican-American justice through the eyes of young Emma Tenayuca in the early 1920’s.
What other books for children about race and diversity would you recommend?
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been pouring your all into being the best mom you can be since you became one. You’re still doing your absolute best, day in and day out, to be the best parent you can. And this despite the various personal, professional and social obstacles you may be facing, from juggling career and household responsibilities, to creating and maintaining a healthy and stable household for your entire family. You’ve been working at this parenting thing, not just in terms of managing every day’s life and work responsibilities, but also in terms of improving yourself. Except parenting was never meant to be a perfect science…
Along the way, you’ve faced uncertainty, even heartache, as you watch your children grow and become their own people. Your heart aches as you fear what could happen to them in this big, wide, often cruel world. You question yourself as you make each and every decision, wondering how it will affect them today, tomorrow and the days after. You deal with the overwhelming sense of guilt that comes with motherhood territory, wondering how, when, if you could do more…
As you wrestle with being your best self, taking space and going after or giving up on your ambitions, you may not be sure which path to take at times. You may be tempted to look around at what others are doing, worrying you may not measure up to the perfect mom baking sweet treats from scratch for the kids’ school fair, or the outstanding mother with the shiny career and efficient schedule, or the one with the impossibly organized home…
Truth is, parenting was never meant to be an exact science. There is no accurate, perfect recipe for growing and raising humans. There is only the will, dedication and commitment to do the best we can with what we have, right where we’re at. Sometimes your best may barely fit into your single mom’s budget, other times it may exceed it and you may have to get another job, fight for the promotion, or start the side hustle to make it work. Sometimes your best may be to let go of comparing yourself to others, release some unrealistic expectations, and be your own kind of mom. Sometimes your best may be to heal yourself, to seek therapy so you don’t pass on the same generational damages you’ve inherited yourself.
All the time, your best is what makes you no less, and no better than any other mother. Your best makes you the best mother for your child, even in the face of tough decisions and heart-wrenching choices you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
Because parenting was never meant to be an exact science, with perfect baking recipes and glossy Instagram pages. As a matter of fact, it was meant to be messy, imperfect, evolving, as anything founded in love, growth and purpose is meant to be.
So make the mistakes, enjoy the process, laugh at it, cry at it, throw yourself at it, feel good about it, don’t feel so good about it. But above all, allow it to make you and anyone else involved in this magical journey, better, stronger, fuller, of the very consciousness of Love and Life….
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and in these times of pandemic it is taking on a special meaning for everyone. For working moms especially, who are highly impacted economically and whose load is multiplied on the home, work and health frontlines, it is taking on a larger and more critical meaning by the minute. Yet, more than the unfair share of work and home responsibilities, it’s the mental load working moms carry that threatens their well-being.
It’s becoming increasingly important for working moms to take care of themselves and protect their mental health. Juggling the demands of motherhood and employment, not to mention the related economic and physical impact, not only take a mental, but also an emotional toll on mothers. One that we don’t talk about enough, and repeatedly ignore as a society as we keep glorifying the motherly sacrifice that is hurting more than it is helping anyone.
Faced with increasing demands on our time, energy and sanity, from inside and outside our homes, from our daily to-do’s to the mediatized messages around “doing and having it all“, it’s harder and harder not to fall victim to the temptation of constantly pushing ourselves. All along, we pretend to be fine. We pretend everything is ok, that we’re unstoppable, that we can take the heat, that we can attend the boardroom meeting AND be there for the kids’ soccer game, get dinner AND prepare the brief, and so on and so forth…We’ve just got to keep it together, at all times, at all costs…
Truth is, we don’t have to keep it all together. We don’t even have to keep any of it together. What we have to keep together is our mental health. What we must preserve is our wholeness, the same wholeness that our kids learn from and our communities are strengthened by. What we must fight for is our pulse, our capacity to be, live, and grow fully…And none of it includes over-scheduling ourselves and our kids, working ourselves to the bone, and feeling like we’re failing in all areas at the same time…
While there is a lot of expert advice on mental health awareness, protecting our mental health as working moms can start at home:
Let’s check in with ourselves
We check in with everyone else around us, from our families to strangers on the street. Yet, how often do we check in with ourselves? How often do we stop once during the day to simply ask: “How am I doing today?” How often do we stop and simply sit in silence and breathe?
Checking in with ourselves will let us know when we’re not ok, when the tightness in our chest is more than indigestion, or the constant headaches may be hiding something deeper. It’s the first gateway to taking our mental pulse, and the first step towards better mental health and wholeness.
How about letting go of the need to keep it together?
Why is it that we must tidy up the house before we leave, even if that means stressing ourselves and running late? Why do we feel that we must keep our homes, our families and ourselves looking a certain way, at the expense of our own sanity? Why do we feel the need to prove that we are perfect homemakers and can bake a cake three different ways? Not that there is anything wrong with keeping a tidy home and looking great, on the contrary, these are great, especially if they make us feel better. Plus who doesn’t love cakes? Yet, if it’s unauthentic or it’s coming at the cost of violating our integrity and authenticity, it is never worth it…Nothing ever is…
Letting go of the need to keep it together is hard. It’s going against all the messages we’ve been endoctrinated with at a very early age. It’s going against the very voices of our mothers, sisters, and friends. Yet, it’s essential, so we can stop suffering in silence to maintain an image that was never us…
When help comes in the form of therapy…
Asking for help is complicated. Asking for help when help is wrapped under taboo concepts such as therapy is even more complicated. It’s ok to fear it, and not want it at first, and believe we don’t need it…Everyone has their own journey, and makes their own decisions.
Yet, if at some fork of the winding road of motherhood, work, and life, we find ourselves needing an extra hand to take the next step, that may just be it…Even if it means someone else has to make the call for us, drive us, and wait for us at the door…
Welcome to Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
How many times this week/month/year have you set aside your own needs for that of others? How many times have you felt yourself shrinking, and sometimes even a bit resentful, at not being able to have a little tiny bit of a moment to yourself, to do something you truly enjoy, or just to be and breathe? How many times have you questioned yourself, only to be overwhelmed by this constant sense of guilt that seems to follow you everywhere, all the way to the bathroom as you strive to pee alone?
Yes, you’ve got a lot on your plate. And yes, you may not exactly in a position to pick and choose what to let go of, and what to keep of your obligations and commitments, because so many people depend on you. Yet, really, how much of all this stuff on your plate do you really have to take on all at once? Are all the to-do’s on your to-do list really to do? What would happen if you let go of some of the least essential of these, if you did not work all these extra hours to treat everyone, if you did not cook all the meals but taught the kids how to, if you did ask for the help you need? What would happen if you broke yourself a little less so others can remain whole, if you dared to say “No, this doesn’t actually work for me”, or “This is what I need‘’? What would happen then?
Maybe what would happen is that world would not come to an end…That others would come to your help, honor your value, and give you what you did not realize you really never asked for out loud…Maybe the world would open up entire streams of possibilities and opportunities as its usual gracious response to all those who dare to seek more of the wholeness they’ve always had but so selflessly gave away…
Maybe if you dared to please yourself for once, or twice, or a few times, you would realize that no one is going to break…That actually those who truly love you have been waiting for you to take yourself back, to take your time back, to take your wholeness back, so they too could learn through you to own their wholeness…That giving of oneself does not equate giving all of you because when you give all of you, you have nothing left to give…
Dear Working Mom, I hope today, and every day, even if it’s at the end of the day, or when the first rays of sun shine through the window of your soul, that you decide to put yourself first. I hope you don’t feel shame pleasing yourself once, twice, or many times, not at the expense of others, but at the expense of hiding your true, beautiful and unique wholeness to a world that needs it more than it will ever need your sacrifice…
