Let me ask you: When was the last time you decided to tidy up the kitchen yourself because no one else at home would do it, or do it right for that matter? How about taking over the task of organizing lunches and get-togethers in your department at work? Or even taking over the planning of events in your friend group? If you’re reading this and nodding, you probably have been the victim of weaponized incompetence, and a willing victim at that…
Weaponized incompetence was coined on TikTok and is routinely defined as the act of pretending to be incompetent at a task in order to get out of it. Usually, this is done so as to get someone else (aka the weaponized incompetence victim) to do it. It can play out in any context, from household chores to friendship-related tasks, to family dynamics and definitely work environments.
For working women and moms, this is a phenomenon that definitely plays out in the home, where mothers tend to take on the majority of the parenting and household labor three times as much as their partners, according to a McKinsey poll. This became even more apparent, and traumatic for working women and mothers, during the COVID pandemic. The pandemic also brought to light the heavy invisible labor of women leaders, from supporting Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) efforts to providing employees with emotional backing or taking on unofficial mentoring and administrative projects.
The reality about weaponized incompetence, as much as too many of us unfortunately would prefer to justify and excuse it, is that it’s nothing but an attempt to manipulate others, namely women, into doing more work than their fair share. The real danger about it as related to gender, is that it has the unfortunate tendency to victimize women and girls, seeping into their education and socialization from an early age Although it’s embedded in the artificial, man-made fabric of gender stereotypes and societal expectations, it can be addressed and fought against. Here are a few ways to do so:
Call it out!
One of the first weapons against weaponized competence is the courage to call it out, just as it is, and for what it is. Often, the perpetrators are weaponized, or strategic incompetence, do not fully realize its negative impact on its victims.
The woman leader at work who takes on unwanted DEI or administrative tasks is piling on additional labor, hours and stress that are taking a toll on her well-being and even the quality of her work. The wife who has to shoulder the majority of household tasks is crumbling under the pressure, not able to be present with her family, attend to her work and take care of herself. The friend who is constantly expected to plan all outings is prevented from enjoying the latter because of all the work she has to put in. Calling it out is the key to starting the process of fighting it!
Have an honest conversation
The first time I mentioned the concept of weaponized incompetence to my husband, he was quite taken aback. As a matter of fact, when I mention it to my male friends and family members, they’re often surprised and even tickled a bit. Yet, the more we talk about it, the more we can come to a mutual understanding.
Having an honest conversation about the load taken on by victims of weaponized incompetence, mostly working women and moms, is vital. Whether it’s discussing the mental load of planning and scheduling everything on the home front, to the time and physical load of handling household-related tasks, to the pressure of doing too much at work, being honest about the consequences and impact of weaponized incompetence is crucial. The more we pretend we’re ok taking on more responsibilities, more work with less time and resources, the less others realize what is really happening. Hence the need to have frank conversations about what this means, and how to more equitably share the load…
Now release control!
Yet, it’s not enough to just call it out and have an honest talk. Last but not least, implementing solutions discussed and releasing control are key. As working women and moms especially, we are so accustomed to doing it all that releasing control and allowing others to step in can be particularly hard. As a recovering perfectionist, letting go of the need to have things done my way was one of the biggest challenges in this process, yet one of the most freeing parts of it. It also happened to benefit my entire family, as it became an opportunity for my partner and children to learn and even start enjoying some of the tasks they had been running away from previously.
Surrendering and releasing control, even if the initial outcome if not exactly to our taste, may take some substantial trial and error. However, it is what ultimately can, and will free us, from having to suffer from weaponized incompetence.
All in all, weaponized incompetence is a phenomenon which has always existed, although it was only recently coined on social media. More than just an unfair allocation of labor, be it personal, relational or professional, it is really rooted in the patriarchal, power-based construct of our societies. The good thing is, as we’re gaining more awareness of it and its negative impact, we’re also able to counteract it in constructive and beneficial ways, not just for its victims, but for the education and bettering of all.
After becoming a mother, I started getting in the habit of setting goals for my growing family. This became all the more important as our family kept growing, and the demands of work and life in general started taking over. Achieving some semblance of balance became harder as there was an increasing amount of tasks to attend to. As a working mom, juggling the home front, work, relationships, and everything in between would at times seem like an insurmountable challenge. Without some clear goals and objectives in mind, it was next to impossible to keep up. Hence the importance of setting family goals, especially as we start a new year…
I remember reading some business and strategy books (this is one of my favorites, as well as this one, and this one too), and thinking to myself that running a family and a household ought to incorporate similar principles. There has to be a foundation and systems in place, albeit unique and less business-like, to keep it functioning as smoothly as possible. Without these, the family unit is bound to crumble under the pressure of conflicting schedules, differing personalities, career demands and multiple other sources of pressure.
Setting family goals is not much different than setting any other types of goals, from personal to work and even financial goals. However, it does involve a greater level of complexity due to the sheer number of individuals, personalities and opinions involved. For family goals to truly be effective, they have to involve everyone and take into account each and every unit of the family. This can make for a monumental task at hand, and possibly a breeding ground of disagreements.
So how do we get to set effective family goals that involve everyone and can be achieved individually and as a family unit? Here are three tips that may help:
Start with a process of self-introspection
Yes, family goals involve the entire family. However, since the family is made up of separate individuals, it also requires each person to go through a process of self-analysis and introspection to determine what their vision of the family is.
When we started setting family goals in my own family, my husband and I quickly realized that coming from different cultural and personal backgrounds had us define the concept of family in very different ways. It was important for us to first think about what our own view of family was, in order to bring it to the table and discuss. It was also important to involve the children in this process, by inviting them to journal about their own family goals (this is an excellent journal for kids by the way).
Meet and discuss
Family goals are for the entire family, and do require the entire family’s contribution, including the children, as long as they are old enough to participate. Coming together with everyone’s view of what the family should be like, how it should operate, what the rules should be, and so many other factors, is a game-changer. This is where ground rules can be set, an effective foundation can be built, and where respect and consideration for all can be demonstrated.
This is also where fundamental disagreements can arise, which is also beneficial to identify where there is a need to set a different foundation. Some of the topics discussed can range from respect, health, responsibilities, religion, finances, communication, to time management, education and purpose.
Decide on the best goals for YOUR family
Setting family goals is not about reaching an ideal and elusive set of grand objectives for the family. Rather, it’s really about coming together and sharing what works best for YOUR family. No two families are alike. As much as we would like to replicate the organizational skills of this family, or the glamour of that family, the reality is, each family is beautifully unique. This is why it’s so important to focus on the goals that are appropriate, realistic and achievable for your family. It may mean starting with just waking up on time for school, or setting up a basic family calendar (check out this well-reviewed family calendar, as well as this More Time Moms Family Organizer too), or having a set budget,( you can use this Simplified Monthly Budget Planner, or this Monthly Finance Organizer) as opposed to launching into extra volunteering activities or investing in the stock market. Whatever it is, it has to be aligned with the type of family YOU have, its vision as well as its heart.
All in all, setting family goals is a crucial part of the goal-setting process as the new year begins. It involves partaking in a process of self-introspection, coming together to discuss, and finally deciding on the best goals for one’s family.
Do you set family goals at the start of the New Year?
With gratitude,
The Corporate Sis.
PS: Please note this post contains affiliate links.
How many times as a working mom have you felt a wave of resentment come up at the thought of everything you have to do day in and day out?
And how many times has this resentment made you feel guilty as a result?
Further, let me ask you, how many times have you even dared talking about this feeling of resentment to anyone for fear of being negatively judged?
If you’re nodding at any of these questions, you’re certainly not alone.
Resentment is one of the best well-kept secrets about and among working moms. As working mothers are hailed, praised, and kept, by society as “sheroes”, they’re also not allowed to show weakness, and certainly not resentment. Instead, they are expected to hold up the sacred veil of motherhood, bravely (and flawlessly) handling all the responsibilities assigned to them without a complaint, murmur or negative feeling. Being resentful as a working mom is perceived as a threat to this picture-perfect idealization of womanhood, and as such, is considered a big no-no for many, if not most, working women.
Yet, the reality is, as we pick up dirty socks off the floor, wash dishes, run from work to kids’ activities, forgetting to fill this or that form, it’s virtually impossible for many, if not most working moms, to experience if only a touch of resentment at some point or another. This is especially true when there is a lack of gender equity in the home and at work, and women have to face a staggering lack of resources and support, from childcare to work flexibility.
So what do you do when resentment rears its ugly head in the midst of your unending to-do list and tired self? How do you address the subtle anger rising up in you as you consider one obstacle after another standing before you? Here are some tips that may help:
Stop and reflect!
Resentment is a clear indicator that there is a lack of balance somewhere. I’ve found over the years that our bodies and minds will give us distress signals. However, too often, we fail to listen. This is where pausing to listen to ourselves is important.
Why am I feeling so resentful? What is creating this feeling in me?
Identifying the root cause of resentment can go a long way towards addressing what the real issue is. Oftentimes, we feel resentful because of false beliefs, or because we’ve taken on too much, or we feel unappreciated in one or many areas of our lives and work.
What is making you feel resentful as a working mom?
Resentment is not a dirty secret to lug around and hide from everyone around us. Neither does it make us bad mothers. It simply makes us human, and allows us to heal what is festering inside us. This is where communication, effective communication that is, comes in handy.
Communicating how you feel, in a non-blaming way, whether it is to your partner, family or friends, can help them better understand where you’re coming from. It can also help in solving the imbalance you may be experiencing, whether it’s related to the lack of equity at home, or the stress in your career and/or relationships.
Who can you trust to talk it out and communicate how you’re feeling?
Readjust
Last but not least, while reflection and communication are important, action is indispensable to readjust the lack of balance causing the resentment you’re feeling. It may be readjusting the distribution of responsibilities and chores in the household, or looking to make positive changes in your career, or asking for more support in your relationships. It’s often also a matter of re-centering yourself and taking better care of yourself through self-care. Whatever the need may be, taking action on it can help reduce the feelings of resentment you’re experiencing.
How can you readjust your schedule, work and life to feel less resentful?
In conclusion, feeling resentful as a working mom is not a sign to blame yourself or others. It’s a powerful signal to re-establish more balance, joy and health in your work and life. Pausing to reflect, talking it out and readjusting as needed are three effective steps that can help tremendously in the process.
How are you dealing with feeling resentful as a working mom?
If you’re a working mother, you may have struggled with expressing the fact that you are a mom in certain, or all, professional settings. Like many, you may have felt that motherhood may be perceived as a career hindrance, and not an asset. You may have even experienced situations in which your professionalism, competence and/or abilities were put in question due to the fact that you have children to care for. For instance, so working moms have admitted being fearful of revealing they had children during interviews for fear of not getting the job. Others have even suffered through losing a promotion or having their professional advancement and growth stunted, often resulting in what is known as the motherhood penalty.
The motherhood penalty encompasses a host of various problems working mothers face in their careers after having children. This penalty is also unfair punishment for mothers, based on inaccurate, biased perceptions of mothers, including the view that motherhood renders women less productive for instance. Men, on the other hand, tend to be professionally rewarded after becoming fathers, in a phenomenon known as the “dad bonus”. This not only affects women’s career trajectories, but also their earnings, promotions, performance evaluations and employment prospects. Yet, the reality is much different from these false, negative, but unfortunately widely-held perceptions. According to the 2019 research by Berlin Cameron entitled “Let’s put the motherhood penalty to rest”, the skills mothers develop after having children are essential to the workplace.
In Power Moms, author Joann Lublin says it so well: “Motherhood transforms many women into better leaders.” In these modern times where parents are not only time-starved, but also limited in key resources such as childcare and parental leave, mothers have no other choice but to become extremely effective at managing priorities well, multi-tasking and delegating. In addition, they are also more apt at exhibiting values that have been proven to benefit organizations such as innovation, creativity, empathy, and crisis management, to cite a few.
As a working mom, you may know this all too well. However, faced with various professional ceilings, walls and barriers in your way to career growth and fulfillment, it may be difficult to take advantage of your maternal skills in the workplace. This is the message I’m often getting from moms and others, who are certainly aware of the assets they bring to the workplace, yet struggle with maximizing these effectively.
Here are three strategies that may help:
Highlight your motherhood transferrable skills as a leader
Motherhood also breeds transferrable leadership skills, such as organization, project management, crisis management, multi-tasking, compassion, and empathy, to cite a few. These are all invaluable skills in the workplace. Unfortunately, they are also skills that many working mothers hesitate to highlight in their professional experience.
While it can be intimidating, especially in certain professional settings and environments, to talk about the advantages of being a working mother, it can be a game-changer. Too few of us dare to challenge the negative stereotypes plaguing working moms, instead preferring hiding behind a false sense of safety in silence. Let’s dare to pinpoint all the skills, assets and intuition we bring to the workplace, including those that come with being a working mom.
Seek alignment
As much as we may try, certain professional environments are just not aligned with thriving as working moms. Often, these are environments heavy with gender bias and stereotypes, whose culture does not allow for working mothers to grow, develop and succeed. This is where alignment matters. Being aligned with your organization, department or business unit is crucial in order to be impactful.
How can we better seek alignment as working mothers? The interviewing process is a great start. Let’s remember that we are not the only ones being interviewed, but that we are also interviewing the organization itself. This, in turn, is a valuable opportunity to take the cultural pulse of the company or business, and assess its openness to and views of working mothers. We can also check for metrics such as statistics of working mothers in leadership for instance.
In our careers, we can and should continue to seek alignment by continuously assessing the pulse of the culture we work in, and determining if it is still a right for us. This means also being ready to pivot, adjust and even transition as needed.
Allyship is key
Being an ally to working moms, and seeking allies ourselves, also goes a long way towards ensuring that more mothers are in leadership seats. In this regard, we are all leaders in our own right, regardless of the position we may occupy. This also means we can all serve as allies to women in leadership positions, or moving towards leadership positions in our organizations.
How can we do this? It can start with amplifying working mothers’ voices, joining causes on behalf of working moms, or simply supporting a mother at work. However, serving as an ally does not preclude us from also seeking and recognizing allies. This can go from seeking mentors and sponsors at work, to recognizing the subtle signs of someone who is showing up as an ally, through their direct or indirect support, leadership and/or guidance.
All in all, it’s refreshing and hopeful to see that views on motherhood as a hindrance to a purposeful and fulfilling career, are changing. The Let’s put the motherhood penalty to rest” study also outlines the promising fact that younger generations are more likely to equate motherhood with leadership. Additionally, the COVID-19 pandemic and the ensuing “Great Resignation”, as well as the work revolution that is taking shape, are all re-defining working motherhood in terms of increased authenticity, purpose and fulfillment.
All in all, while there is much work to be done when it comes to working motherhood and leadership, we are hopeful. Most importantly, we are moving towards the direction of asserting authentic leadership as mothers, rather than hiding or even worse, denying the precious asset we bring to the table of work, both individually and collectively.
I know most days you have too much on your plate to think about your mental health! As you furiously work through your to-do list, lugging the kids from one appointment to the other, often not getting enough sleep as you make up for work and household chores when everyone is already in bed, you may not even consider how your hectic lifestyle is impacting your mental health.
In many instances, you may not even suspect the constant feeling of overwhelm, along with the clutter in your minds and unexplained irritability, is hiding the shadow of maternal depression…Even when you do suspect it, you often dare not admit it, because, well, who talks about the ugly secret of depression, let alone maternal depression? Isn’t motherhood supposed to just be the wonderful stuff of “perfect” social media Christmas photos? And when you appear to “have it all”, the cute family and the great career, how could you dare complain? Even if the pandemic did a number on you and your sanity. Even if working mothers are leaving the workforce in droves and suffering the most from mental health issues. Even if 68% of working mothers have sought therapy, as opposed to 47% of women without children, due to lack of childcare, the impact of COVID, and general economic instability.
Additionally, as a working mom, your mental health does not only affect you. It also deeply affects your children, as well as the environments you live and work in. As a matter of fact, research shows maternal depression harms children’s mental health more than poverty.
Maternal depression is real, and despite its stigma, does not have to be an ugly secret. It doesn’t have to be a secret at all. As a matter of fact, it’s a well-known fact the COVID-19 pandemic has tripled depression and anxiety symptoms in new moms. From catching up on work at night and on weekends, to being flat-out burnt out, having trouble sleeping, needing more support, moms everywhere have been struggling, in one way or another.
So dear working mom, it’s ok to not be ok. And you’re far from being alone if you’re experiencing it right now, or have ever experienced it. The only secret around maternal depression is the one society desperately attempts to keep in order to fuel a stigma that needs to disappear. Here a few ways that can help you cope, and support other working moms as well:
Acknowledge where you struggle mentally
Let me say this again, it’s ok not to be ok. Normal people are not constantly happy. Life happens, and it can be hard and bring you to your knees. There is no reward for overworked, exhausted, over-committed mom of the year, but there is a heavy mental health cost to pay.
So learn to recognize the signs of anxiety and depression, from poor sleep, to an over-cluttered mind, to nutrition issues, to cite a few. Check in with yourself as often as you can, your body always tells you when something is not quite right.
Seek support
Mental health struggles are not weaknesses. Neither is reaching out to get some help and support. Everyone experiences, to varying degrees and instances, struggles with their mental health. Seeking support could be reaching out to a trusted friend or family member, or seeking professional support in the form of therapy.
Whichever way you choose to seek support, remember asking for help is a sign of strength and bravery. By seeking the help you need, you are also giving others permission to do so, while getting the tools that you can then use to help others.
Make self-care a priority
I know your schedule is already overflowing, however, making your self-care a priority is far from being an indulgence. It’s a necessity to care for yourself in order to be able to remain present, be all of who you are, and be there for others as well. Your children deserve a fulfilled, healthy mom, and that may just be the greatest gift you could give them and yourself.
If you’ve ever experienced stress, anxiety or even depression from experiencing or being exposed to gender-based violence or discrimination, you’ve experienced some of the psychological effects of gender inequality. Indeed, gender Inequality is not only bad for business and life in general. In addition to creating significant gaps in our economy, well-being and overall stability as a society, gender inequality is bad for our mental health. More specifically for women’s mental health…
From increased levels of depression, stress and anxiety, to acute instances of post-traumatic stress disorder, its psychological effects are profound, and profoundly widespread. This has only been disproportionately inflated by the COVID-19 pandemic, with women more likely to report poor mental health and well-being, along with increased household responsibilities and caregiving loads.
Women and girls are primarily impacted by gender inequality, which centers around genders’ differences related to status, health, power and employment. The unfair and avoidable nature of these differences is referred to as gender equity, which comes from sexism that is anchored in sex or gender-based discrimination. The latter translates into less pay for equal work, more unpaid work, lack of representation, and lower employment and schooling rates. It can also manifest as discrimination in the workplace and sexual harassment as emphasized by the #metoo movement, all of which severely affect women and girls’ mental health. For instance, a 2016 study by Columbia University revealed women earning less than their male counterparts are 2.4 times more likely to be depressed and 4 times more likely to experience anxiety.
As such, research has shown women tend to suffer more from mental health conditions than their male counterparts, including general anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and eating disorders to cite a few. Despite the impact of biological differences on the incidence of mental health conditions, research has further demonstrated a correlation between discrimination and mental health factors. For instance, trauma, which can cause symptoms such as panic, anxiety, or insomnia, is considered a psychological side effect of sexism. In addition, it appears women tend to suffer more from chronic stress than men, caused by stressors such as domestic and caregiving responsibilities. Poor body image and lower self-esteem also contribute to mental health troubles for women.
Overall, gender inequality and the resulting gender inequity are just bad business for women’s mental health. Awareness of this fact can help women, and society at large, prioritize the importance of mental health. In this sense, an increased focus on ( and the removal of the associated stigma) mental health as one of the measures and solutions to gender inequality, along with preventative and healing measures such as therapy and mental treatments for instance, is no longer optional but absolutely crucial. Talking about, and finding ways to relieve the burden of gender inequality on women, can go a long way towards improving their mental health outcomes.
Do you agree that gender inequality is bad for women?
“Girls, I know it has not been easy as I have tried to navigate the challenges of juggling my career and motherhood. And I fully admit that I did not always get the balance right. But I hope that you have seen that with hard work, determination, and love, it can be done … I love you so much.”
Her simple, yet wisdom-filled words, echoed what so many of us, as working moms, fear: not to get it right, to somehow miss it. “It” being this elusive, perfect balance between motherhood and career, this impossibly taxing juggling act we desperately try to master yet end up feeling guilty about much of the time.
It’s this heavy weight of society’s expectations, coupled with our own, that crushes us as we run from home to the office, and vice-versa. Most of all, it’s the disappointment and guilt at the end of the day, weighing our own often unrealistic plans against what we managed to accomplish, feeling it’s never enough. That there’s never enough time, enough energy, enough patience, enough discipline, to get it all done, and get it all done well…And that somehow that makes us not enough as mothers, as career women, as individuals…This can be a crippling feeling, one that can leave us constantly chasing endless tasks, to-do’s, and even recognition and reassurance…
The reality is, we never had to get the balance between career and motherhood right, for the simple reason it doesn’t exist. We may miss the baby’s first steps because we’re at work. Or we may not make the executive team because we can’t take that international assignment away from our families. There will be moments when being physically present as a mom, means not being there in our careers. And inversely, there will be times when thriving at work means missing out on some bedtimes, milestones and family moments.
Yet, what it also means, is that we get to be the fullest version of ourselves, and shine through all of our facets, skills, talents and abilities. We get to show up as all of who we are for those to whom it matters the most that we fulfill the authentic fullness of who we are, our families, spouses, children and loved ones.
As Justice Ketanji Brown-Jackson showed the world, but most importantly her own daughters, the most important is that “with hard work, determination and love, it can be done”. “It” is the journey of a lifetime to overcome the barriers in one’s way, and open closed doors on one’s path so those coming behind us have a better chance. To be all we can be, so we can leave the best and most important legacy to our children, that of being our full selves.
Because, dear working moms, we don’t have to get it right, we have to get it done, and get it done well, fully, authentically, unapologetically…
