I’ve been impatiently waiting to see “Bad Moms“, and yesterday finally grabbed my sis-in-law, kissed the hubby and kids good-night, and headed straight for a movie treat. And what a treat it was!
This hilarious yet sentimental comedy had me laughing, tearing up, and leaving most of my “mommy guilt” on the movie theater seat. I said most of it, still gotta worry about some stuff after all…
Think of it as the mommy/female version of the Hangover movie. A comedy aimed at destroying the gender stereotype of smother mothers everywhere. You know the mothers I’m talking about…The ones who spend hours making their babies’ homemade foods only to give you the side eye when you pop your store-bought jars of pureed carrots from your stained diaper bag. Or the ones who raise their eyebrows when you don’t volunteer for at least two extra-curricular activities, or bring non-homemade goodies to the school’s bake sale…
In “Bad Moms”, Amy, a devoted 32-year-old working mom to her two kids, bends over backwards to emulate that stereotype. So she runs from kids’ drop-offs to annoying work meeting, then to two-hour-long PTA meetings and unending bake sales…all the while her husband’s cheating on her and she’s nearing a mental breakdown. Until the day she decides enough is enough, and goes on a “bad mom” trip…And the rest is an artfully orchestrated sequence of funny, inspirational and at times downright emotional, yet oh so real moments…
I loved watching Amy (played by the amazing Mila Kunis), as the “good mom gone bad”, put her childish, cheating husband out and decide to stop coddling her kids so much, so she can have a real life. The neurotic, “doormat mom” Kiki (played by Kristen Bell) had me jumping off my seat when she told her hubby to figure out how to care for their kids on his own. And the overly sexed-up, hilarious Carla (Kathryn Hahn) had me in stitches as she sought to make out with pretty much anything reminiscent of a male sexual organ, while unapologetically being her own kind of “bad mom”.
The thing is, I could find myself in each and every one of these women. I, and most moms out there, have been there. Trying to fit in the annoying work meeting with the kids’ pickup schedule. Bringing store-bought brownies to the bake sale (albeit on a beautiful platter, pretending they just came out of the oven). Saying yes to the school PTA meeting when all you really want is go home and lay down. We’ve also been on the other side of the spectrum too, obsessing over every detail, and checking to make sure the baby’s diapers are bio-degradable. Or just skipping that last diaper change, giving hurried instructions to the babysitter so we could enjoy a night out with the girls.
I know I have…And I know I’m not the only one. It still stings a bit when I remember this fellow mom bragging about what an honor it is to give birth “naturally”, after I had just delivered my first baby via emergency C-section. Or the unsolicited advice from other women about pretty much everything from how to feed your kid to how much time you should spend with them…And the silent shame and guilt at being an ambitious working mom hustling for my dreams, instead of focusing every single minute of every waking day to my kids…Feeling like I had to get it (and keep it) together, at work, at the kids’ school, on the playground, or as I try to pee alone. Exhausting! Utterly, definitely, unbelievably exhausting!
Being a mom has never been so hard as it is today. In our ultra-connected, social-media driven society where our kids are over scheduled, over-stimulated, and frankly over-spoiled, we feel the need to do it all, and do it all perfectly all the time. To be the mom who takes her kids to all the swim meets and piano lessons and soccer games, while making sure their school projects are the best, that they eat enough protein and look perfect on every Instagram picture. Truth is, that seemingly perfect mom, is so tired she falls asleep as soon as she sits down somewhere, and has to buy extra packages of concealer to make it through a regular workday. No wonder she doesn’t exactly think about sex (unless it’s scheduled ahead of time) or still wears her mom bra from her last pregnancy five years ago…
Bottom line: none of us is perfect, and none of us is a perfect mom. And it felt so good to see our fears, awkward, happy and crazy mommy moments translated on-screen in such a simple yet personal way. It felt so good to just kick my heels and for once, stop blaming myself for not being like the next mom. To just laugh at the mistakes, celebrate the good, and accept that there’s a “bad mom” in all of us, and that it’s OK.
I stepped out of the movie theater with a pep in my step, a fresh swipe of my Revlon lipstick bought on sale earlier, and a newfound appreciation for the woman inside. I can’t guarantee I won’t be late for the kids’ pickup next week, but what I’m sure of is, I’ll never look at myself the same again. Or at any other mom out there. We’re all doing the best we can, and that’s a heck of a lot already…
So for today, I’ll just enjoy being a “bad mom” and skipping the laundry…and the dishes too…Oh and by the way, we’re ordering out….
And if you’re still on the fence, check out the official trailer here:
PS: Shoutout to all the “bad moms” out there, you rock!
I’d know… I set up my alarm for 4am every night, only to play a game of catch-and-release with the snooze button until about 5am. At which point I engage in a tough back-and-forth with myself, discussing the pros and cons of leaving the sweet refuge of my blanket to face the harsh realities of this world. Then starts the mad dash to take a shower, get breakfast and lunch bags ready, before (gently) admonishing the small creatures of the house to roll out of bed and act like humans…
For women everywhere, the lapse of time between the moment we open our eyes to the time we finally walk out the door, looking somewhat human, without forgetting any little creature or dropping the other shoe, IS a journey in and of itself. And for most of us, how we start our day very often defines how we go through it (which also very often explains sugar binges and chocolate highs..)…
Yet, there are plenty of women out there who do this day in and day out, without (apparently) resorting to massive amounts of sugar or excessive online shopping (don’t judge me). From doing a bit of research and looking around, I’ve learnt one or two things from some of these successful and uber-productive women on hacking my morning routine (and cutting down on the sugar and online shopping):
Make Sleep and Exercise a Priority
Listen, if you don’t care for yourself, you can’t care for anyone else. Period. Running on empty batteries is running on no batteries. It took me a while to understand this, as my over-inflated, Superwoman ego was bent on doing it all, no matter what. Except your body can only do so much, and your mind may betray you the minute a German chocolate cake shows up…
Meanwhile, First Lady Michelle Obama gets up as early as 4:30 am to exercise. In this 2009 interview with Oprah, she puts it in unequivocal terms: “If I had to get up to take care of my kids, I’d get up to do that. But when it comes to yourself, then it’s suddenly, ‘Oh, I can’t get up at 4:30.’ So I had to change that. If I don’t exercise, I won’t feel good. I’ll get depressed.”
And is it any surprise that Vogue Editor-in-chief Anna Wintour starts her day at 5:45 am with a game of tennis?
Ok, time to dig out my sneakers…
Find Creative Ways to Spend Some Time With Family
Even more than money, time’s a commodity. Especially when it comes to spending time with family…
In the research for her “I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make The Most of Their Time” book, author Laura Vanderkam found out many busy families choose to have family breakfasts instead of dinners. All in all, they focused on how they could find ways throughout their days to create family memories.
For celebrities like J. Lo and Kim Kardashian, it means starting their busy day with their twins. For others, it may mean leaving early and saving dinner time for family time. Whatever works best…
“Good Enough” Is the New Perfect
The biggest morning hack of all is letting go of the need to be perfect. Whether it’s foregoing blow-drying your hair like designer Tory Burch, or getting an extra half-hour of sleep like Oprah (so you can do even more afterwards), understanding that what you can do is “good enough” is one giant step towards turning your mornings into success.
We look forward to summer all year, and then it comes, with its slew of fun things to do to entertain ourselves. And most importantly for working moms, to entertain the kids…All of a sudden, all this fun has to be combined with being stuck in a cubicle working full-time, while trying not to stress about keeping the kids busy and happy over the summer break.
Let’s keep it real…When kids are in school, we worry less about keeping them busy and entertained. Over the summer break (and any other school break really), getting appropriate childcare becomes more of a headache, as we try and plan our entire kids’ lives for three months. So how do we entertain the kids when we’re working full-time? How do we find time to plan kids’ activities in between the daily to-do’s and fun-packed week-ends? And in the midst of all this entertainment, how do we manage to keep our sanity?
Find the Childcare Option That Works Best for You
When it comes to summer childcare options, while you have options, you’ve got to pick what works best for you. That fancy camp that requires you to drop off at odd hours, and leaves you after mid-day? It may sound appealing, but may just end up stressing you out more than necessary.
Whether it’s a camp, specialized classes, or a more family-based childcare option, pick something that works around your own schedule. You may have to be a little more flexible than usual, but don’t put yourself in a situation where you just drive yourself insane.
Work From Home on Some Days (or Ask to Modify Your Schedule)
Aside from keeping your motivation up during the summer months, worrying about your kids while in your cubicle on an 80 degree day isn’t exactly the definition of summer fun! Break up the monotony of summer days, along with your childcare worries, by asking to work from home on some days. Why not even request a modified schedule in the summer? A girlfriend of mine asked to work 40 hours in 4 days, so she could have every Friday off to spend with her kids during the summer.
Besides, if you can argue that it’ll actually help you be more productive (and maybe a tad nicer), your request may end up going over pretty well…
Budget (And Use) Your Vacation!
Don’t be like the 41% of Americans who didn’t use their vacation n 2015. Summer’s the perfect time to use, and leverage, your vacation time. It wasn’t until I became a working mom that I understood how important it is to budget vacation time. Plan your time off earlier in the year, to ensure your ave as much time as possible for summer vacation.
Let the Kids be Bored!
In our modern obsession with “busyness’, we tend to overbook our kids, especially in the summer. We take them from camp to music lesson, then to swimming and through painful playdates. Yet psychologists recommend we should let kids be bored in the summer, so they can discover what truly interests them.
So instead of overbooking their schedule (and yours), let them flow freely for a bit, and give yourself a break in the meantime.
How do you keep kids entertained in the summer when you’re working full-time?
So the other day, as we were discussing prospective plans for Father’s Day, I got to asking Dear Hubby a few questions about being a working dad.
“Honey, how does it feel to be a working dad?”
“What do you mean? I work and I’m a dad!”
“Yeah, but, do you feel like you’re stretched thin between your commitments at work and at home? Do you ever feel like you’re in over your head and you just need a break to breathe sometimes?”
“Uuuuhhh… you mean, me or you?”
As you can tell, our conversation didn’t go very far…The more I kept asking what I thought were more and more probing, deep questions about the “human state of being a working dad”, the more Dear Hubby kept looking at me in total bewilderment. And the more passionate I got about transferring my own emotions and frustrations as a working mom onto him, the quieter he got…Hindsight being 20/20, I bet you my morning coffee he must’ve tuned me out by about the second question…
It soon became hilariously obvious that I was transposing my own reality as a professional mom onto this poor guy, who was just trying to have his coffee in peace, and maybe down another piece of organic waffle swimming in full-fat Aunt Jemima syrup…
It’s tough being a working dad (the non-laundry-adverse kind) in a world of working moms…On one hand, you’re praised for loading the laundry machine and earning a decent paycheck (albeit not at the same time), and on the other, you’re scrutinized for not having it as tough as the moms out there. Never mind when you get to work, and have to tread carefully with your female colleagues and bosses not to get caught under that glass ceiling that’s about to get smashed any day now…
Of course, the statistics are here to prove the facts we all know. According to the Pew Research Center, even in homes where both parents work, and where quality time and discipline are shared equally between these, scheduling and sick days still fall on the mother. Additionally, “working moms are more likely than dads to say parenting has interfered with their career progress”. Yet, what’s interesting to see through these stats, is that all in all, both working parents feel the pinch of time spent with the kids, with over 50% of working dads wishing they’s have more time with their little ones.
All humor and stats aside though, as I looked over at my husband, I felt a pinch of inner guilt as I considered all the times I came home from work and let the poor dude have it…About how hard it is to be the only woman in the room…Or how tough women have it, from carrying a baby 9 months to buying all these stretch mark oils to the gender gap and not even being able to wear flats at work once in a while…All the while he was cooking dinner, giving the kids a bath, and pouring me some Pinot Noir…
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a mea culpa for working moms towards the dads in their lives…Neither is it an absolution from doing the laundry, washing the dishes, or changing diapers in their favorite suit and tie…What this is, is a recognition that somewhere in between the confidence gap, the gender gap, and all these gaps society has created for women in and out of work, there are also those amazing spaces filled by loving, hard-working, and non-laundry-adverse working men out there…
I should know…I was raised by a single mom, with no dad in sight for the majority of my life…Until I had babies of my own, I didn’t know what a man who’d participate at work and at home, remotely looked like. As a very early feminist and advocate for women, I followed in my mom’s footsteps, and decided to do it on my own. All of it, the work stuff, the house stuff, the bills stuff, the kids stuff, all of it…
Except life has an interesting way of making you look outside of yourself, and in the midst of that struggle you’re in, make you acknowledge you’re not alone in the battle for clean underwear and sleep equality…So for all the non-laundry-adverse, bath-giving, Pinot-Noir-pouring, loving working dads out there, here’s a heartfelt confession and a sweet token of appreciation…
Which you may redeem for a no-laundry pass this week only (please note that it expires on Father’s Day, after which you’d be solely responsible for clean underwear —or the lack thereof)….
PS: Here’s to my favorite working dad in the world, the hubby Walter!
I remember returning to work after maternity leave for my first and second baby, being lost and trying to find my marks for weeks. Dealing with the emotional and physical pressure at home, and the mental upheaval at work. After missing so many months at work, there was so much catching up to do. Even as my mind was still reconciling the change in circumstances, when my heart was longing for my fuzzy-haired babies, and my body was juggling the two as I struggled to pump enough milk while reading the quarterly report at work.
This is the dilemma for many moms returning to work after baby. How to adjust to this life change, while still showing ourselves as competent, competitive and ready to shatter that glass ceiling all the while pumping adequate amounts of milk? And how to even expect our male-dominated workplaces to understand what it means to go through the experience of making another human being and emerging as a totally different human being?
While we may expect companies and management to help us through this transition, truth is, we have to do the bulk of the understanding, and the working, and the making peace with all the milk and diapers and quarterly reports mess. And if you’ve been in the same situation, you know all too well what it feels like..
And sometimes, many times actually, we learn more from what not to do, than from what to do. And after breaking my own records of what not to do, in and outside of work, here are a few of my not-to’s for us ladies returning to work after maternity leave:
Don’t try and be SuperWoman! More than any other time, work after baby feels like having to be Superwoman, except instead of the cape, we have to make do with milk-stained blouses and haunting dark circles (hello waterproof concealer). After baby#1, I though I could come back to the professional life and do it all. Pump while taking the conference call. Get the house in tip-top shape, baby fed, bed made, all before heading out the door in the morning. The reality was, my expectations, more than anything else, drove me bonkers. In addition to having to comb my hair and apply my make-up in the office bathroom, I had to deal with the disappointing frustration of feeling that I was not enough. And of course, my work, and entire life, suffered. Take it one day at a time. Stepping out of the house fully clothed and with matching shoes is already a big accomplishment, acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can.
Don’t stay in your corner! After returning to work from maternity leave both times, I literally hibernated in my cube for a while. At the time, I thought this would be the best way to catch up and to find my marks. What ended up happening though, is that I failed to re-integrate the work environment as well as I could have. As a new mom back at work after baby, it’s easy (and somewhat normal at first) to stay in your corner and take some time to readjust. Yet, you want this transition period to be as short and swift as possible. Even if you’re still overwhelmed and uncomfortable the first few weeks, come out of your cube. Go meet and talk to people. Ask about changes that have happened in your absence. Do your own, subtle yet effective “after baby networking”. Better than catching up on email, it’s the fastest and most effective way to get yourself back in the groove of all work things. And it’s also the best way to show that you are indeed, back!
Ask for what you need!Many new moms fail to ask for what they need. What they really, desperately need. Instead, we try to do it all, and end up frustrated, unhappy, and paralyzed into inaction. After baby#2, our family schedule had changed, and I needed to be able to come in earlier so I could leave earlier to pick up both babies. Instead of asking for what a slight schedule adjustment, I would instead drive myself insane trying to leave a few minutes late and curse my way to the daycare. Not the most effective way to keep sane! Do you need to leave at 4:30pm to feed the baby? Ask for a more flexible work arrangement. Do you need to take an hour at lunch to pump? Check with your manager and block that time on your calendar. The better you are at asking for what you need in order to perform your job well, the better you’ll be able to fulfill your professional duties. And yes, there may be instances where the answer will be no! Yet you owe it to yourself to ask.
Don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles. I was speaking to a close friend earlier about her career progress. And what she said made me realize the sad truth for many moms returning to work after maternity leave. “I don’t think I’ll get the promotion. I’ve just had my second baby, and I’m sure I won’t even be considered for the job. They’ll probably think I won’t be committed enough, with all my family responsibilities and all…” So she didn’t go for the job…at first. Until her own husband pushed her to apply and go for it. And she did get it…This is a happy ending that may not happen in many other instances. Yet, way too often, we take ourselves out of the race mentally first. Thinking that we won’t be able to do the job. Or that “they” won’t consider us for it (who’s “they” anyways?). If you don’t think of your circumstances as obstacles, even if these look the part, chances are others won’t.
In summary, here are the no-no’s to absolutely avoid when coming back to work after baby, milk-stained shirts and sleepless nights galore:
Avoid the Superwoman trap at all costs!You can’t do it all, and you can’t please everyone. You’re not a plate of cheese!
Get out of that office, cube, or wherever else you may be hiding out after baby!Network your way back into the fold, show your face, and get back on track!
Put your needs out there! No more trying to beat traffic, or concoct excuses! If you need it, ask for it!
What’s happening to you is normal, it’s not an obstacle!Stop thinking of and presenting your circumstances as obstacles to your career advancement and progress! The more you learn to thrive in your circumstances, the more success you will attract your way!
What else would you suggest as a no-no for women returning to work after abby? Care to share your own story? Please chime in in the comments…
You know the drill, you’re on it, meeting, even exceeding deadlines and goals, keeping on your grind, coming in early to get yours (and others’) work done. And here it is, 5:15pm, and your boss is sending you an IM to come in to his office to discuss some project you handed in last month for review! Really? And here you are, looking at your watch, realizing you’re already late to pick up the kids, and you’re probably not going to make it tonight, yet again…Story of a gazillion working moms out there! And what gets done in most cases: nada, ziltsch, nothing!
Granted we all have to take our work responsibilities seriously (and in case you were thinking, the myth of the distracted working mom is just that, a myth), and that most of us know by now work-life balance is just as elusive as the no-carb diet, the unrealistic demands and stereotypes placed on working moms keep on taking a heavy toll not only on these women, but also on companies and the economy in general that keeps on losing great workers to unfair, and frankly inefficient practices.
Truth is, work is a part of life, and not the other way around. As part of this life thing, women have had to pick their kids up for decades. So have men. That’s just part of life. So if both work and picking up your kids are part of normal life, nothing fancy, what seems to be the problem? Is there even a problem, or are we as a society making our lives, and the work that’s a part of it, unnecessarily complicated? Sounds simplistic? Well, try explaining to your 5-year old why they’ve had to wait on the school steps three times this week…
Yes, there’s work to be done, yet there’s also a life to be lived. Part of the work and the life we’re given is to ensure we can manage both efficiently enough so they don’t spill on each other. That includes running the day before it runs us, and not decide to wait until after-hours to address an important project (that you’ve been sitting on for a month)…
It’s the countdown to Thanksgiving! Menus are being planned, families are getting ready to gather, some for better, others for worse, and we’re all ready to go ahead and think of those people, events and things we are thankful for (and those we have other, much less thankful words, about…but I digress again…). All in all, Thanksgiving is like this scheduled positive time in your life when you’re expected to say thanks. And considering the bad rap this generation gets, taking a grateful pause makes us all look (and feel) better…
Plus your career may thank you too, what with complaints about the unstable economy (which by the way is much better than advertised), the gender pay gap, and what have you…Not to mention the fact that being thankful can keep you healthy, boost your morale, and prevent you from throwing a sharp object at your boss…Besides, the simple act of saying thank you at work has the power, according to research by Susan Quandt, to help you overcome career roadblocks with the sheer power of optimism:
Write down what you’re grateful for: Start a gratitude journal, and motivate yourself to find something, someone, anything you’re grateful for…every day, even on Mondays!
Thank 5 people at work this week: I know, some of you may read this, and think “shoo, I don’t even like five people at work”. Well, try! Whether it be thanking the janitor for keeping the toilets clean, or the cafeteria help for putting up with your constant lack of change, or your manager for skipping this week’s one-on-one, find 5 people, say thank you, and treat yourself to ice cream (or shoes) later!
Give someone a career boost: If someone has helped you at work, or has been a great resource professionally, don’t just keep it to yourself! Spread the word, tell their managers, give them brownie points on the company’s Intranet, and help boost someone else’s, other than yours, career. It’s the small things, and they pay off…
Mornings can be rough.
We look forward to summer all year, and then it comes, with its slew of fun things to do to entertain ourselves. And most importantly for working moms, to entertain the kids…All of a sudden, all this fun has to be combined with being stuck in a cubicle working full-time, while trying not to stress about keeping the kids busy and happy over the summer break.
So the other day, as we were discussing prospective plans for Father’s Day, I got to asking Dear Hubby a few questions about being a working dad.
I remember
