For the first time in my adult life, I took a month off. An entire month off, traveling, seeing new places, swimming in the ocean and mostly “being” as opposed to “doing”. And it shocked the entire heck out of my system, my overachieving, productivity-minded, A-type working woman system…
As someone who became an academic later in life, after over a decade in the corporate world, having extended periods of non-mandatory, daily work is a privilege I never take for granted. Yet, having the option to take some time off, I mean, really off, with the exception of writing and research work which I truly enjoy anyways, did not come easy and without resistance. You’d think this would be an opportunity anyone would chomp at the bit to take and relish in. Yet, to my surprise, this precious opportunity initially left me stressed, frazzled, and frankly speaking, scared…
According to a research study conducted by social psychologist Tim Wilson, about half of participants asked to take part in “thinking periods” during which they would not do anything, rated the experience as unpleasant. When given the option to shock themselves rather than sit quietly and think, 25% of women and 67% of men chose the first option. As a slight reminder, the first option is the one that consisted in inflicting themselves an electrical shock! Anything but sit in quietness and just be left with their own thoughts! Would I rather shock myself than sit in silence and think? Probably not, but I can’t deny the experience might make me want for a load of laundry or two. In general, as human beings, we just tend to feel uncomfortable doing nothing. As women, while sitting still for a bit may come as a welcome break at times, doing absolutely nothing might be downright dreadful in the long run!
This is despite the fact there is actually a science behind the art of doing nothing. I refer to it as an “art”, because in a society that overvalues busyness over intentionality, meaningful nothingness is indeed an art. Yet, recent research has demonstrated engaging in rest and relaxation promotes overall well-being, creativity, and yes, even the sacred productivity we worship at the altar of our daily, busy lives. So why is it then so hard for women to do nothing, and actually enjoy it?
Whether associated with the “not doing enough” syndrome, or linked to the “time anxiety” experienced by individuals leading meaning-driven lives, I strongly believe the answer boils down to the fact that it’s so difficult for women to feel good about ourselves. Much of it stems from society’s perceptions of women’s roles and abilities in life and at work. These perceptions, in my opinion, also lead to what I would call the “rest bias” for women, whereby women are implicitly expected (and expect themselves) to constantly be doing something for others instead of resting. When coupled with the worship of productivity in our modern society, and the various biases afflicting working women and moms, the “rest bias” becomes particularly pronounced against, and felt by women who dare to bask in their glorious right to do absolutely nothing.
Much of it, in my experience as well as so many other working women and moms’, stems from gender-based and sexist perceptions and opinions. As a Black woman especially, I’m acutely aware of the role of racism, beyond sexism and gender-based discrimination, in shaping many of the rest-related stereotypes and opinions.
What would the world think of women who do nothing?
How would our very existence as women be justified, if we just did nothing?
What if we did not bear the children, clean the houses, cook the foods, do the unpaid and invisible labor at home and at work…
What if we didn’t strive to do twice the work for half the pay?
What if we didn’t work, mother, live, love exceptionally?
What if we didn’t save the world, quietly though, with an extra dose of humility and deference, because… patriarchal society, right?
At the end of the day, it’s this “swim or sink” mentality that has us gasping for air from the home to the workplace, toeing the thin line between merit and self-worth, questioning our place (and fearing to lose it) at every turn. It’s the “what if” mindset pushing us to follow the current, even when we’re called to fight against it. It’s the ticking time bomb in our minds when we lay our heads down to rest but can’t stop thinking about tomorrow night’s dinner and the unfinished report for work.
But what is the alternative, if there is one?
Well, I, along so many other women, are discovering there may just be a powerful alternative that’s been left out of the patriarchal instruction book. An alternative that would introduce to the world women who are actually rested, women who are no longer depleted, burnt out and exhausted…
But instead, women who have tapped into the power, and the accompanying struggle, of doing nothing, intentionally, beautifully, regeneratively…
Women who are tapping into things like meditation, nature walks, creativity, rest, and no longer apologizing for it…
Because it’s harder to think more clearly when we’re exhausted…
Because creativity is stifled when we’re burnt out…
Because resistance is lessened when we’re depleted…
Because it benefits generations of outdated, antiquated patriarchal regime when women are not at liberty to think, create, and resist…
So that one day very soon, we may know, not just women who work hard, women who strive, women who are tired…
Women who wear the brilliant yet frayed inside, capes of super-sheroes earned at the cost of their health, sanity and potential… So that instead, we may know, experience, and enjoy women who are rested…
Women who are regenerated…
Women who are full, and giving out of their overflowing cups…
Women who are fully, unapologetically themselves…
How do you fight the “rest bias” as a working woman and mom?
If you’ve found yourself drowning in summer activities’ plans, getaways, packing and unpacking for trips, all the while striving to have kids keep up with their summer work and you with yours, then you may have experienced a specific kind of mental load affecting parents from approximately June through September ever year… The mental load, which has been heavily discussed in the past years, consists in the invisible labor of managing your family and household.
This particular kind of mental load is the summer mental load, characterized by the heated (and costly) pressure of having to work, while having kids at home or on vacation, being the “fun” summer mom, and keeping all these hot balls juggling in the air without losing your last shred of sanity…
I’ve written before about the summer ceiling for working moms, as being this “conglomerate of professional and personal obstacles faced by working mothers during the summer months as a result of the scarcity (or complete lack) of childcare resources, couple equity and overall gender equality”. Add to this the constant mental weight of overcoming these obstacles through incessant mental planning, coordinating, organizing, and worrying, and you have yourself a special brand of mental load only sold to working moms in the summer, and not at a discount at that…
While I welcome the added flexibility in the summer as a professor, along with the gift of being able to be present with my children at home, I can’t deny the heavy day-to-day weight of the summer mental load. The responsibility to plan, organize and coordinate almost three months of travel, activities and learning, along with managing household, chores, grocery shopping, pick-ups and drop-offs, to cite a few, while keeping up with some level of work, gets uncontrollably weighty…even with a spouse or partner pitching in.
One additional component of the summer mental load for working mothers, especially for single working moms, is the financial aspect. Between the exhaustive (and often prohibitive) cost of childcare, summer camps, travel and other summer activities, not to mention inflated grocery prices, the added financial burden can quickly compound into financial loss and unending concern. This summer mental load is often overlooked by many, adding itself to the invisible labor of women, and further endangering their mental health.
I still remember being absolutely frazzled and mentally exhausted throughout the summer months as I ran from one thing to another, not having much time to myself despite it supposedly being a time of rest and relaxation. Relax, when? Yet, despite all the busyness, I never really got much of a sense of accomplishment, always feeling I was falling short somewhere, whether it was in my work, parenting, family relationships or friendships. Summer became a time I dreaded, instead of looking forward to it and appreciating the gift it’s supposed to be.
What can we do then to alleviate the mental load of working moms during the summer months?
Over the years, and after many a complaining session with the girls and exhausted ice cream binges late at night, I’ve made a few changes. Tiny, at first, then increasingly more significant at life became more demanding and my knees less forgiving. Here are a few of these changes that may help you, hopefully as much if not more they did me:
Acknowledge and talk about the summer mental load…loudly!
“Why aren’t there more women and moms talking about how hard this is?” This was one of my first thoughts when going through serious summer mental load, secretly resenting the fact that no one had bothered to warn me about it. Or about perimenopause in your 40’s, how annoying husbands become, or the reality of “underboob sweat”, but I digress… It seemed everyone was doing such a wonderful job at planning and organizing memorable summer moments, while I was nothing short of…struggling with frizzy curls and chafing thighs. I digress again…
There is power in sharing our struggles, rather than just putting our glorious moments on display, especially as working moms. Acknowledging and talking about how challenging summers can be for moms, can not only help other moms feel less lonely and isolated; but it can also prompt the solutions needed to alleviate the problem. Also, please note you’ve just been provided with a free pass to publicly vent throughout the summer, just saying…
Dare to seek and receive help!
Change happened for me when I stopped acting like “Supermom” and started asking and receiving help to face the summer months. This includes help from setting up and implementing a summer plan and budget, however loosely structured, to packing lunches, traveling, and keeping up with the daily grocery store trips. I’ve also learnt not to discriminate among the types of help and welcome it from as many sources as possible, including:
–Family and friends:
Ok, while the reality is that many working moms do not exactly have a full village to rely on, there can be some micro-villages to lean on. These may include our partners, family and friends, or even co-workers and colleagues at times, and may involve trading childcare services, taking turns, or even using bribery in moderate doses (gotta do what you gotta do)…
–Free local resources:
There are countless local resources in your neighborhood you may not have tapped into, from the public library to the local children’s museum and the local pool. Unfortunately, many of these resources are not used enough, and end up not being funded for lack of it. So the next time you hesitate to use your local library or neighborhood pool, just think you’re actually contributing to increase its funding. Also, consider your financial budget for some further incentives to save money for your next spa appointment…
–Technology
Can we talk about the “helpful” side of technology with parenting during the summer months? From free resources to city guides and budgeting hacks, technology, from social media apps to budgeting apps, has been an incredible help for me.
–Advocacy:
The summer mental load is a rampant issue for many, if not most, working women. This is where advocating for ourselves, as well as other working moms, whether at the local level or through national politics by voting, getting involved in the community and/or using your voice on social media.
Embrace self-care
Self-care? What self-care, you may ask, after a full day of running after the kids at the beach and washing sand-covered towels for days. Ok, I get it. But summers without self-care are a surefire way to lose whatever shred of sanity you may have left, plus your well-hydrated curls and skin, for good…
Whether you drop off the kids at the grandparents’, sign up for Parents Night Out at your local YMCA, or just take turns with a friend or colleague babysitting, please build in some time for yourself. And take it! Don’t ask for it, don’t apologize for it, don’t even negotiate around it, just take it! This means taking your work vacation you’ve been saving for the next emergency, allowing yourself a few hours while the kids are on a playdate, and yes, even locking yourself in the bathroom….
So, yes, the summer mental load is no joke at all for working parents in general, and working moms in particular. Yet, by acknowledging and talking about it, unapologetically seeking help and embracing self-care, this weight can be alleviated for so many working mothers.
What are you doing to fight the summer mental load as a working mom?
The other day, I was in the middle of disciplining one of my babies (who are no longer babies), when the thought “ I have no idea what I’m doing” crossed my mind. As a Black mom of a pre-teen and a full-blown teenager, these moments in my working mom life are happening more and more. Whereas they used to be far and few in between, now during this teenage phase, they have become more the norm than the exception. Truth is, there are few things like raising teenagers (and kids in general) that will also raise both your blood pressure and insecurities as a mom and a parent in general…
Have you ever, like myself, been in the middle of disciplining your child, only to question your own confidence, adequacy and aptitude as a mom? Have you ever felt that you needed a larger supply confidence as a mom? And really (tell the truth), have you ever wondered if there ever were a “mom confidence training” class somewhere? Ok, I’ll give in, I know I have…
Whereas confidence is more often associated with career and work skills, there is not enough talk about how many moms like myself find themselves needing one (or many) extra shots of maternal confidence, especially in current times. While parenting has always been a challenge for most, if not all parents, the modern lethal addition and combination of modern technology, social media and mental health culture, among other factors, have made it both a virtual and physical gargantuan task for moms.
According to the 2021 research by the WealthiHer Network, 79% of women recognize they struggle with self-esteem. Further studies reveal almost two thirds of new mothers, or roughly about 63%, report decreasing levels of self-esteem after giving birth. Unfortunately, lack of confidence and self-esteem can result in self-doubt, which can then turn into burnout, anxiety, and/or depression.
As a first generation immigrant from Senegal, West Africa, the cultural clash between witnessing raising kids back home, and the corresponding reality in today’s America, has been trying to say the least. As a Black working mom juggling motherhood, career, marriage, laundry, and all the rest of life in the midst of a world still struggling with racism, sexism, and discrimination of all kinds, it’s been akin to walking a tightrope threatening to break at any moment. Add to it all the modern advice and literature around conscious parenting (thank you Dr. Shefali), childhood trauma, and the rampant mental health epidemic among the youth, and there’s an explosive cocktail of parental confusion with strong notes of mothering guilt and not-so-subtle undertones of societal crisis…And need I mention the lack of parental support, paid leave or a general infrastructure to assist moms? ‘Nuff said…
So how do we even begin to develop anything close to “mom confidence” in today’s world? How do you sift through all the biases, traumas, dreams, and responsibilities to uncover the secrets to raising well-balanced kids without losing your sanity and very last coin? How can we, as not-so-proud holders of multiple minority statuses, whether as Black women, women of color, and women in general, take back our power when it comes to raising our children?
Well, since I have not found the mothering secret (or any secret for that matter) or magic recipe, here are some tidbits about my humble own experience, and that of the many working moms I’ve had the privilege to share this mom path with;
Learn and adjust!
Modern motherhood is not for the faint of hearts, especially when navigating the cultural and racial , as well as technology, social media and mental health issues that plague our world and societies. In an ever-evolving world, constantly adjusting and learning become indispensable. As a Black woman, an immigrant floating between different cultures and realities, learning is a constant necessity.
As a lifelong nerd and academic, much of my learning happens in books. I’ve also been gifted with precious sisters, aunts, mothers whose advice, conversation and support have taught me more than I could ever learn from the pages of any book. This learning has also informed much of my work and career, and progress in other areas of life.
What learning is motherhood pointing you to? What unanswered questions can you find answers to? What are the safe spaces, places and people you can learn from?
Build and leverage confidence in other areas, including your career
While I always proclaim that being a mom has made me a better career woman, the reverse is also true. In many instances, the confidence I’ve gained in my career has allowed me to show up as a freer, more authentic version of myself as a mom. It’s allowed me to trust myself, my intuition and my God-given skills and abilities, including those of a mother. As a Christian mom, my faith has been the pillar of my confidence, which has also significantly helped ground me professionally and personally as a working mom.
In turn, this same sense of confidence has kept fueling much of my career and professional life, almost creating literal emotional, mental and even spiritual economies of scale throughout the various areas of my life. When I don’t feel as confident as a mom, I can remind myself of my spiritual foundation of faith and confidence. I can revisit all the times when I felt and acted confident at work, in my relationships, in my vocation.
Which areas of your life and work can you leverage to build and boost your confidence as a working mom?
Healing is key!
One thing that motherhood, and parenting in general, will unveil, is the core of yourself. You can count on mothering to awaken the wild beast of all your traumas, known or unknown (mostly unknown), and bring to the surface emotions, attitudes and reactions you would have never suspected in a million years. I know it certainly did (and still does) for me…
While my career has revealed over time some of the childhood trauma I have needed to heal from, motherhood has laid bare even deeper wounds I need to face. Indeed, one of the most precious gifts of motherhood is the call to heal. Understanding, and heeding, this call, through formal and informal therapy (read: books and endless girlfriend conversations), has been nothing short of a saving grace for me.
Has your experience as a working mom revealed areas where you need healing?
All in all, developing confidence as a working mom requires much more than many, if not most of us, anticipate at first. Through learning and adjusting, building and leveraging confidence from other areas of life and work, and focusing on healing, we can keep growing through motherhood.
What has been your experience developing confidence as a working mom?
The story was repeating itself…It was only the third day back to school after the New Year, and the kids had missed the morning school bus…Again…The morning tension was at its usual peak, what with breakfasts barely eaten, work schedules now thrown off, and moods in need of a serious overhaul, all before 7am…At this point, with one teenager, one almost-teen, an unruly dog, and about ten loads of laundry in tow, I felt our family was in need of more than the usual New Year resolutions and goals. We needed something stronger, better, some sort of a purpose or mission that would create a shift in this season of our family…This is where our journey to build a family mission statement began…
As a working mom, the New Year rarely feels like a fresh, clean slate. After all, last year’s laundry is still lingering in the dryer, glitter from the Christmas gifts’ overpriced wrapping paper is still littering the dirty floors, and no one is checking the bank account balance until things somewhat settle…With each passing year as a mom, family resolutions become increasingly obsolete, slowly replaced by the hurried frenzy of the first days back at work and in school…Each year, as I stare at the sheer immensity of Motherhood, I keep asking myself: “So…where do I begin?”
Have you ever thought of building your own family’s mission statement? Have you ever looked at your closest loved ones, and wondered as you were picking up dirty socks off the floor, if there could be a sense of a common mission among you? I know I have, in between two loads of laundry, grading mid-term papers and emptying the dishwasher…
If like me, you and your family are in the process of building your family’s mission statement, these 3 steps may help:
Clarify your vision of your family
How do you envision your family and family life? If you were to close your eyes and picture your idea of what your family would be like, what do you see?
Too often, we don’t have a clear idea, or any idea at all, of our vision for our family. Neither do we talk about it. Growing up in Senegal, West Africa, in a single parent home, there was no time even to begin to think about having a vision for our family. How was that going to help with anything?
Fast-forward a few decades in my own family, as an African immigrant in America, stuck in between the reality of American families and the history of African families. To say there was confusion was an understatement…Clearing this confusion required coming up with a clear vision for our family, not just for me, but for each and every one of us.
Define (or redefine) your values and principles as a family.
What are your family’s values and principles? What’s important to you as a family? What are you and your family members passionate about? What do you love to do together? When are you and your family members at your best, or at your worst? In what ways can you help better others in the family, and vice-versa? How do you want to be perceived as a family?
Defining or re-defining your values and principles as a family can help put everyone on the same wavelength, especially when it feels like everyone in the family has been speaking a different language. It’s especially powerful when children and young adults express their values and principles for the family, as they may not often get the opportunity to do so.
Reflect on your family’s impact
What contributions would you want to make as a family? What impact are you envisioning your family making on others? What have you been struggling to achieve as a family?
Reflecting on your contributions, achievements and desired impact as a family can help explore the goals ahead of you. Not just any goals, but rather the goals aligned with the unique vision, values and principles for your own unique family.
I don’t know about you, but my family is on a mission. We’re not a perfect family, nor do we aspire to be. Yet, in the midst of the imperfect, beautiful chaos that is our life, we’re striving to share a common mission and purpose we can walk towards.
Every year, the resolution frenzy takes over, as people all around the world make a list, however much realistic (or not), of goals they plan to accomplish during the new year. And yes, I was “people” for the longest time (and I still am)…
Making a list of changes, however unrealistic, at the beginning of the year, somehow feels like a relief when faced with the unpredictable newness of another turn around the sun. It feels good to etch ideals of achievement, goals and behaviors on a virgin slate of time… As if laying these down on paper, or even uttering them in the atmosphere of a still pregnant future, would make them magically turn into reality…
For many years, as an overachieving perfectionist, a mom, wife, professional, I would partake in the same resolution ritual, peppered with slight variations in form, loud empowering affirmations and frail temporary faith here and there. Yet every year, it would be the same walk down the hallway of resolution shame, barely hanging on by a thread of watered down excuses… until the following year, that is…
At the end of last year, I finally, and quite ungracefully bowed out of the annual resolution dance, less out of an urge to do better and more out of sheer exhaustion. I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired… The same goals and strategies that have been hammered on us from year to year, from “waking up earlier” to “getting more organized”, not to mention “making it to the gym this year”, no longer worked for this mama juggling work, kids, home and everything in between…Especially not in the post-COVID era of scarce childcare resources and non-existent parental support…
I needed something else to keep me going…I had just completed a terminal degree that left me running out of steam, while raising a teenager and a tween, and pursuing an academic career I am passionate about. I was out of resolutions, out of stamina, and in serious need of something stronger than black coffee with a spritz of lemon juice and a touch of cinnamon. I needed a mission, beginning with a mission statement…
In his acclaimed book, “The 7 habits of highly effective people”, Stephen Covey discusses the importance of building our own mission statements, whether personal, team or family-oriented. He delves into the power of mission statements when discussing the second habit entitled “Begin with the end in mind”, out of the 7 habits defined in the book.
According to Stephen Covey, a mission statement is about “ defining the personal, moral and ethical guidelines within which you can most happily express and fulfill yourself.” The way I see it, a mission statement is the clear, concise expression of one’s purpose, priorities, along with the actions to live a purposeful, fulfilling, and successful life. It’s a compass of sorts to keep us on the path that is right for us…
As I stepped into the New Year, the idea of a compass, a sense of direction in an otherwise increasingly directionless world, sounded so much more appealing than a set of empty, albeit widely popular, resolutions. As a mom, career woman, wife, along with the other hats I, like so many other women, wear day in and out, it took me decades to realize that popular strategies and mainstream advice do not work for me. As a matter of fact, from talking to so many other women, they hardly work for many, if not most, working women and moms. Hitting the gym three to four times a week, as much of a sound resolution as it may be, is not as practicable for a mom struggling to barely make it to work after dropping off the kids to school and daycare. Neither does the 5am club be much of an option for an exhausted working mom in dire need of sleep. Instead, a sense of direction, a compass that could be adapted to my own purpose, life, circumstances and chaotic kitchen, may just be what the doctor ordered…
So this year, I’m skipping the resolutions, and embracing my own mission. My own mission statement, to be more exact…One as unique as my purpose, priorities, and goals…If like myself, you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of making (and breaking) the same popular resolutions, here are three steps I can suggest to begin the process, inspired from Stephen Covey’s mission statement builder:
Hone in on your Vision
Who do I want to be? What may sound like such a simplistic question holds so many answers as to the direction to take in a new year. Even if the vision is not yet clear, just delineating the character we may envision for ourselves can get us started in the process of framing our mission. This includes digging into what we are passionate about, what drives us, what we can imagine ourselves doing without the time and resource constraints we usually face, especially as working women and moms. It’s visualizing our life’s journey, and using it as the start of the mapping of our own personal missions.
When I first started crafting my mission statement, reflecting on my vision and who I want to be turned out to be quite the interesting exercise. I had anticipated struggling with even beginning to lay down my vision in words. Yet, in the absence of distracting lofty goals and resolutions, it became simpler and so much more enjoyable for me to see in the eye of my mind, through the things I enjoy doing and the childhood dreams I still have, what my vision is.
What is your vision of who you want to be? What if time, resources, and other constraints were no object? What if you cleaned the crowded slate of popular goals and commonly accepted objectives to re-focus on what truly matters to you?
Identify your values and principles
What are your values and principles? What would you like to make a priority going forward? Who are the people who influence you? What are the physical, social, emotional, mental and spiritual activities that you value the most?
Delving into what I value the most was surprisingly refreshing, as opposed to setting far-fetched objectives that raise the already high level of pressure we’re under. It also brought light to many of the things I have been doing that are not in alignment with my values and principles. In a way, it confirmed the sense of direction I had started getting from defining my vision in the first step.
Focus on future contributions and achievements
What can you do going forward to contribute to those around you? How can you use your gifts and talents to do so? When are you at your best to do so? To complete the sense of direction you have started getting from honing in on your vision and defining your values and principles, you can begin focusing on future contributions.
Getting to this third and last part was not quite as laborious as I thought it would be. Armed with a clearer vision and sense of my own values, I was inspired to see how these could serve those I love deeply, and the world at large. I was encouraged by documenting my own gifts and talents, and the concrete ways these could be of service.
What struck me through this process is that actual achievements and contributions only came after refining my vision, values and principles. Unlike the traditional, and popular way of setting goals, this process first led me on a foundational self-introspection journey, before laying any goals down. It did not leave me to fend for myself against far-fetched, misaligned objectives, almost setting me up for unavoidable failure. Instead, it provided direction and guidance.
As I went through each one of these steps to build my own mission statement, I experienced a sense of relief and clarity that resolutions and goals never provided me. For once, I felt in my lane, aligned with the vision that was mine, the values that I believe in, and the contributions I feel inspired to make with the strengths and desires I have. For once, I did not feel like I had to meet some elusive ideal of excellence that was not in line with my authentic self. I felt like I did not just set a destination with no idea as to how I could possibly get there. Instead, I had some sort of a map, or at least the foundation of it, that would lead me back to the only destination worth getting to: myself.
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The holiday season is certainly a busy season for working women and moms, what with planning family and friends’ celebrations, gift-giving and meeting year-end deadlines. For busy working women and moms, Black Friday can be the perfect opportunity to take an early approach for the holidays and save on deals for the whole family. From a financial perspective, especially during inflationary periods, planning ahead can relieve a significant burden on families. From a personal, family and community perspective, taking advantage of early deals can save valuable time and stress.
I personally know first-hand how stressful the holidays can be, and have learned with time to plan earlier for year-end festivities. An important part of my early planning process involves curating a list of available sales on Black Friday, whether in person or online.
This year, here are my 10 best Amazon Black Friday sales for working women and moms curated from my own list of must-haves and luxuries for the home, the family and the office.
“You don’t need to take that certification, you’re a mom now, just take care of your kids…”
I remember these words like it was yesterday. While they were intended to be well-meaning coming from one of my loved ones, they cut like a knife. I had been trying to get my Certified Public Accounting license for a few months now, and had failed miserably after the first few attempts. I was on the verge of giving up….Had it not been for my wonderfully supportive husband, I probably would have…
This story is not unique. It’s the story of so many ambitious moms trying hard to juggle motherhood, career and everything in between. On one hand, they have so much merit going after their dreams and purpose while taking care of their families, often at the expense of their own well-being. On the other, they are often discouraged to do so, and even criticized and humiliated in the process.
Despite a growing number of working mothers in the U.S. workforce, even after the pandemic, research confirms the discrimination and negative stereotypes against working moms still persist at the hiring stage and beyond. Yet, working moms are still just as ambitious as women without children. They are also returning to work in greater numbers after the pandemic and using the advantage of remote and flexible work, as well as leveraging digital technology, to juggle work and family life. This is in addition to the general ambition bias against women in general, and working moms in particular. Women, and mothers in particular, are often slammed for being ambitious and stepping out of the traditional roles of wife and mother. Actually, being a working mom has been proven to benefit children.
What’s a working mom to do to face the double-edged sword of ambition?
Here are a few steps that can help:
Clarify your values:
Clarifying your values and priorities is the first step to fight this double-edged sword. What is truly important to you? What impact do you want to make on your family, community and the world at large? What do you want your legacy to be? Who do you truly want to be? These are some of the questions that will help you clarify your values and priorities, and help you move in the direction of what truly matters to your authentic self.
Assume your choice:
Even after clarifying what my values and priorities were, I was still in denial for a long time. It is important to assume your choice as an ambition working mother, especially when faced with opposition from the outer world. Accepting yourself and your career as well as your life choices is absolutely imperative when it comes to fighting the stigma of ambition as a working mom.
Create your own brand of motherhood:
Last but not least, clarifying your values and priorities and assuming your choice will lead you to create your own brand of motherhood. What kind of mother do you see yourself being? How do you mother best?
The reality is, ambition truly is a double-edged sword for working moms, both on the professional and on the personal and community front. Yet it is one that moms can use to improve themselves, inspire their family and create a new brand of motherhood for themselves.
How do you fight the double-edged sword of ambition as a working mom?
