For better or worse, marriages can be wonderful, but they also require work. Lots of work, especially during challenging times. As we’re navigating the current coronavirus crisis, and entire families are safe at home together, many, if not most, marriage bonds are tested. As a matter of fact, a skyrocketing rate of divorces is being expected as a result of it.
Whereas busy dual-career couples may have barely passed each other like ships in the night before, they are now continuously sharing the same spaces day in and day out. Relationships which were already tense are bound to get even more tense, while decent, even happy marriages are now being put to the test of the mundane, while facing the harsh threats of disease, economic uncertainty and even death.
As a self-proclaimed “independent” working mom, like so many, going from being able to go about my daily life as I pleased, to having my freedom of movement restricted and being confined to the traditional home environment, has certainly been a huge shift, both mentally and practically. Before this, I already knew, and experienced, the unequal distribution of responsibilities between men and women in the household, as does the large majority of working women and moms. Yet, I was far from imagining how these harsh disparities would be brought to the forefront in these current circumstances. Even with partners who significantly contribute to the household’s management, as is the case with dear hubby, the majority of the household responsibilities and chores statistically predominantly falls on women’s shoulders. This can certainly lead to conflicts in the household, in addition to the pressure of the heightened stress, anxiety, and worry stemming from this crisis, not to mention dealing with childcare, kids’ homeschooling right along with business and career responsibilities.
As such, preserving your marriage in challenging times of crisis such as these can seem close to impossible. Truth is, these are unprecedented times that also call for unprecedented measures, and a drastically different approach to the way we view marriages and relationships in general. I’ve been learning a lot through these times, and much of this learning has been quite tough. Some of the lessons I’ve garnered about my own relationship, and through conversations with sister friends, can be summarized as below:
Ask: What do you need from me in this season?
The main problem in most relationships, romantic or otherwise, generally lies in lack of communication, especially as relationships and circumstances change. I know I’ve certainly been guilty of it, overestimating my own capacity to handle different situations and contexts. However, I’ve learnt at my own expense to have more honest and more frequent conversations with my spouse, not just in times of crisis, but as we both evolve as individuals in general and face new contexts like job changes, family losses, personal disappointments and victories, etc…
As I was listening to one of Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Woman Evolve podcast episodes, I was struck by her suggestion to check in periodically with one’s partner and ask: “What do you need from me in this season?”
As both partners evolve and situations and circumstances change, it becomes crucial to check in with each other through the inevitable change and growth. For me, it’s been about checking in as to what it means now to work from home together, homeschool our kids, and spend much more time in close quarters than we’ve been accustomed to.
What do you need from your partner in this season?
Re-frame your definition of your own marriage and commitment
As you and your partner evolve and learn to know each other better, your definition of commitment and marriage may change with time. I know it certainly did for me, from all love, butterflies and also senseless disagreements, to job changes, kids, financial obligations, and so much more… As we faced many a crisis together, we’ve certainly had to re-frame our own sense of commitment and marriage.
As you move through your own process of life, your own relationship may also be re-defined over and over again. As you face challenging times, its very foundation may be shaken and you may again have to re-delineate the boundaries and expectations of and about your relationship.
In this current coronavirus pandemic, for me it’s been about re-framing my own definition of partnership and caring for each other to partnering more on the small details of daily life that make a world of difference in our current stay-at-home arrangement, from who washes the dishes to how to give each other personal space.
How are you re-framing your definition of marriage and commitment in this crisis?
Learn as you go
The most beautiful thing about marriage and relationships is the endless potential for learning about oneself and others. I’ve learnt marriage really acts as a big, giant mirror reflecting who we truly are. Every disagreement, every conflict, every conversation, and definitely every change and crisis, is an opportunity to re-discover a side of oneself, and of the other, we may not have seen before. It takes a lifetime to know and grow into who we really are, into the best version of ourselves, and to really know others.
As we change, others change as well, because, really, the only constant is change, and without change in ourselves and others, we’re really keeping ourselves stuck and stagnating when the very process of Life consists in growing, evolving and flourishing.
Throughout this crisis, I’m learning to identify my own triggers, cultivate some much-needed patience, and remind myself daily about these “for better or worse” vows, among other daily lessons I’m getting hit with…
What are you learning as you go in your relationship?
Talking to children about a crisis is extremely challenging, and at times downright heart-wrenching, especially as a parent. With the coronavirus crisis upon us, many working parents are faced with tough questions from their children. As a working mom, you may have been at the end of a string of inquiries from your kids, asking just about everything about this crisis, from why they have to stay home and skip school, to whether people can die of the virus and why.
I know I have, and have felt a painful pinch to my heart and tightness in my chest, as I tried finding the right words to explain the unexplainable. How do you tell young kids from one day to the other, they may not be able for a while to freely roam outside and touch everything in sight, see their grand-parents, cousins and friends, or that they now have to stay home until further notice? How do you use words that make sense, and somehow lighten the weight of the anxiety and frustration you may be experiencing yourself? And how do you talk to children about protecting themselves from the virus, and avoid spreading it around?
In times of crisis, children do worry as well. While they may express it in different terms, or act out about it, they can still sense and experience the stress, fear and anxiety around, especially when coming from their parents and closest loved ones. This is why it’s so important to have honest yet sensitive conversations with children, especially in times of crisis.
Assess what the child already knows and reduce his/her exposure
One thing I’ve learnt as a working mama is that children know much more than we give them credit for, especially now that many have more access to the internet and tech tools. This is all the more important that as children are stuck at home and much of their homework is located online, it’s challenging to reduce their screen time.
Ask them what they already know about the current situation, so you can correct any misconception. Reducing their exposure to news about COVID-19 may also help alleviate any anxiety and risk of misinformation.
Be honest
It may be tempting to embellish the truth to protect our younger ones. However, it’s crucial to be honest and give them accurate information, as long as it remains appropriate for their age and developmental level.
Teach them safety comes first
As part of talking to children about any crisis, including the coronavirus crisis, teaching them safety comes first is paramount. In the case of the coronavirus crisis, teach them about rules of safety, such as keeping a social distance from people, appropriately washing their hands or sneezing and coughing in the trash or into their elbow, among other preventative measures.
Let your behavior serve as a way: stay calm and non-judgmental
Children emulate our behavior more than they listen to what we say, as I’ve learnt at my own expense. That’s why I’m careful to assign blame in my words or actions, or to show too much frustration or anxiety. While we’re human and don’t have to keep our emotions tucked away, serving as a positive example can go a long way.
Kids pick up on adults’ behavioral cues, so staying calm when talking to them in times of crisis is essential. As much as possible, use a reassuring tone, even when conveying less than positive news.
You can find the CDC’s guidelines to talk to children ab by clicking here.
Have you talked to children about the coronavirus, or any other crisis? What additional tips would you add?
“You’re my person”: When Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh) uttered the now famously coined phrase to her best friend Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) as she shares her decision to put her name down as an emergency contact for her upcoming abortion, it took on a life of its own, embodying our primal human need for deep, healthy, fulfilling friendships. From Sex and the City to Issa Rae’s Awkward Black Girl, stories of female friendships and girl squads have graced our TV screens and subconscious for decades, confirming that as working women and working moms, our friendships play an important role in our lives. However successful we may be professionally, or even family-wise, friendships with other women hold a sacred place. For many, if not most of us, they are a reminder of our original relationship with our mothers, aunts, sisters and other female pillars of our lives, as well as a reflection of our own self-love. This can make the dynamics of our relationships with our sister friends beautifully complex, uniquely fulfilling, and sometimes, downright frustrating.
However, in the modern era of social media, lacking inter-personal connection, and negative media messages around female friendships, it can be challenging to reap these benefits if, and when, we do not foster and nurture healthy relationships with other women. Healthy relationships based on trust, openness, vulnerability, rather than fear, distrust, and anger. It’s the same fear, distrust and anger that end up being translated into gossip, “mean women”, Queen Bee Syndrome, and exclusion, to cite a few.
In my own relationships, I’ve had the privilege to experience the beautiful openness, trust, and vulnerability that makes female friendships a unique bond, and also the heart-wrenching fear, betrayal, and distrust that rob us of the empowering impact of these connections. I’ve learnt, and am still learning (and probably always will) from my positive and negative experiences, as well as my mistakes and mishaps, and growing into a better understanding of the sacred bond between women:
Friendship is a process:
In the era of instant messages and micro-waved networking, we can be tempted to jump in and out of friendships, without the realization it is a marathon, not a race. It’s a process that requires this one thing we cannot microwave: time. It takes time to know someone, see them act in different contexts, build a history with them. It takes time to face and surmount obstacles, enjoy moments together, and deepen bonds. Without it being a process, a friendship can hardly survive, let alone flourish.
A fruitful friendship is a friendship that evolves as both individuals involved evolve as well.
This is where so many friendships reach an impasse, especially among women, as we often tend to not voice our concerns in relationships. I often hear some people say: “I hope you never change” to their friends, which tends to make me shudder every single time. Not expecting those around us, especially our friends, to evolve and change for the better, is to keep them stuck in the same place for our own convenience and comfort. If you’re my friend, I wish you to evolve, to grow, to change into the best version of yourself, even if your growth requires me to grow as well and challenge myself to meet you at a place that is mutually beneficial.
A fruitful friendship is one that evolves. Developing healthy friendships requires shedding the fear of evolving, and that of our friends evolving as well. Some of my greatest relationships are friendships that grow as both individuals grow, and as we both discover new facets of ourselves and each other, and engage on a path on continuous, positive, even exhilarating evolution.
Don’t be afraid to release what no longer serves.
Developing healthy female friendships also requires leveraging the power of releasing what no longer serves. Very often, we allow history to determine relationships that no longer have a place in our destiny. It’s these same relationships that in turn, prevent us from growing into our full potential and achieve our destiny, as we settle for the comfort of familiarity and ease.
Healthy friendships challenge you, push you to be a better version of yourself, and fulfill you to the brim. They don’t leave you drained, empty or wanting for more, but instead felling supported, valued, cherished, and challenged. If not, it may be time to release them, gently, peacefully, with the understanding that we’re creating more space for relationships that fit us better, for our mutual benefit.
All in all, developing healthy female friendships is like making an investment in our well-being, health and potential. Yet, it’s also a process of introspection, self-knowledge and character development that requires choosing who can sit at the table of your life and on what terms. In the end, it may be one of the most important processes of your personal and professional life.
Sitting in the waiting room at the dance class studio while my daughter was taking ballet, after arriving rushedly a few minutes late, I looked around at all the other parents around me. Most of them were moms, and most of them, were looking slightly, or very…tired. It was 6pm, the class went until 7pm, which means for many, if not most of us, we were grappling with the thought of picking some quick food on way home, or trying to desperately remember if there were any leftovers in the fridge. And yes, most of us probably do this more than once a week, in addition to handling the household load and professional obligations…’Tis the era of the successful, glass-ceiling, concrete-wall breaking, but oh so tired working Supermom!
I was raised by a single working mom, so from a very early age, I already was all too-well acquainted with the challenges of what I would always think of as “complicated motherhood”. The kind that requires one to be a mom and a dad, to work and clean the house and cook the meals and balance the checkbook…Yet, even for non-single working moms, when you fast-forward to the present times of “leaning in” and “sitting at the table”, you quickly realize that in some way modern moms have also signed up for “complicated motherhood”, the SuperMom kind. Except after dropping off the kids to school, commuting to work, holding her own at work, picking up the kids, driving to extra-curricular activities, figuring out dinner, bedtime, and everything in between, SuperMom gets seriously tired…
The amount of obligations and requirements the popular modern definition of success for working moms has heaped on our plates is astounding. What’s even more astounding, is that we still bravely, fiercely, and sometimes unconsciously, strive to check in all the boxes, satisfy all the requirements, and play all the parts we’ve been assigned and have assigned ourselves as well. That’s how our SuperMom capes get so heavy, as they fill up with social activities, personal and professional responsibilities, and worse of all, the ever-looming sense that as our to-do lists get longer and less effective as ever, we are not enough. And in turn, we teach our daughters and our sons to have the same unrealistic and destructive expectations we, and the rest of the world, throw at ourselves.
In the modern era of the working mom who can have it all, it may be high time to opt for having all that matters instead, and ditch our super-sheroes capes in favor of our fulfillment, purpose and sanity:
Assess what’s truly IMPORTANT and IN ALIGNMENT with you and your family:
When you’re a working mom, everything seems important, from the kids’ lunch menu form to the meeting at work. It’s as if we had this “IMPORTANT” basket right on top of our heads, day in and day out, that we desperately try to keep in balance at all times. We’re trying to devise the dinner menu while on the conference call, checking the time to make sure we’re not late for after-school pickup and the kids’ dance and soccer practice. Too much!
What is truly IMPORTANT to you and your family? What are those non-negotiables you need to agree on with your partner and your children? After hectic months of running around in sheer exhaustion between work, home and school, we had to have those important conversations in our household. Without agreement, alignment, and a sense that we’re all in alignment with our current purpose and goals, it doesn’t work…
Recognize your limitations
Moms are powerful. Like everyone else, they also have limitations. It’s called being human, which also means making it to the 8am meeting after dropping off the kids probably won’t leave room to wash all the dishes in the sink. Or that not having a minute to yourself as you try to climb the corporate ladder will not let you enjoy family time.
Admitting that in each season of your life and work, you will have limitations, is key. Not as an admission of guilt, or a sign you’re giving up, but as a gentle reminder slowing down is a blessing. What are the limitations you know you’re facing? Where can you cut down on time and effort? What can you take off your plate?
Be more present
The problem with overachieving is the more you try to fit into your busy schedule, the less you’re able to be present for it all, mentally, physically and spiritually. Are you barely listening to the kids as you’re trying to make dinner and be on the conference call all at once? Do you notice your temper getting shorter by the second as you try to do three things at once? It may be time to invest in less busyness and more actual presence…
As busy and at times overwhelmed working moms, thinking further than the next drop-off or pickup, the next meal, or the next school form to fill out can be far-fetched. We’re so often caught with the demands of the moment that long-term planning can fall by the wayside. Especially when this long-term planning involves uncomfortable, and downright somber possibilities such as the case in which something should happen to us, and we could no longer be around our families and children. This falls under the definition of estate planning, which while sounding like a dark topic, is also one that working moms like you and I should get familiar with, and take action on.
According to Investopedia, estate planning is the “preparation of tasks that serve to manage an individual’s asset base in the event of their incapacitation or death.” This includes the guardianship of any living dependents, such as children, naming beneficiaries of insurance and retirement plans, naming executors and power of attorney to oversee and direct assets in the process, and many more planning tasks.
I remember meeting with my first financial advisor, and broaching the topic of estate planning. Saying it was a highly uncomfortable conversation is nothing short of an understatement. The prospect of anything happening to any of us is a rather terrifying one, let alone having to plan for it. However, life happens, circumstances are often out of our control, and may end up leaving our loved ones in dire straits for lack of adequate planning and preparation. This is actually what happens to 70% of Americans who leave this Earth without a will.
As working moms, it’s also our responsibility to help plan for the future and well-being of our children and families. If this is something you have thought about and would consider, here are a few steps to help us get started:
Introduce and continue the conversation
This is hard to think about, let alone talk about, so it is understandable that you may feel awkward and even stressed broaching the topic. However, keeping in mind the well-being of your family can help in the process, and you can start with your spouse, significant other, or a trusted loved one. It need not be an elaborate discussion, but rather the honest asking of questions such as: “Who would take care of the kids if anything happened to me/us?”, or “What would happen if I fell ill?”, or “How will things and assets be divided up in case of unplanned circumstances?”
This also means continuing the conversation with the people you and your partner, or you on your own, if you happen to be single, have picked to fulfill various roles as part of your estate planning. These may be your potential executors, children’s guardians, or individuals to be entrusted with power of attorney. It would make sense to first discuss with them the possibility of their fulfilling these roles, and whether or not they agree to do so and are aware of what it entails.
Begin the process
The most immediate basics that most people start with when it comes to estate planning consist in setting up a will and establishing life insurance. Many have life insurance already set up from their workplaces, however it is important to check whether those insurances do indeed cover all foreseeable needs should something happen. This is especially relevant if your family is dependent on your income.
As for a will, it can be easily done online, although you may want to check with a professional as well, and consider a “living will” as your healthcare directive for your medical and financial wishes.
Also be sure to consolidate all your paperwork and documentation, and inform your executor(s) of their location and how to access these, should anything happen.
Seek professional help
If you’re afraid you may not be familiar enough with this process to undertake it alone, or your estate is larger or more complex than average, or if you possess investments, you may want to seek professional advice.
Despite the fees charged by attorneys (which may range from $500 to multiple thousands of dollars), setting up your estate plan appropriately will save you not just money, but your dependents much heartache and stress in the long run. Besides, peace of mind is worth every penny!
Have you thought about estate planning as a working mom?
