For most working women and moms, having a flexible schedule is a blessing. It can also quickly turn into a curse if, and when, not managed well. Trying to fit in everything that could possibly fit into your schedule, or on the other hand, underestimating what needs to be done and wasting precious time, can both wreak havoc on your time, energy and self-esteem. As a result, flexibility can be a trap for so many working women and moms, who can end up overworked, frustrated and exhausted from it.
As much emphasis is being put on affording working mothers a more flexible schedule, what is not talked about as much is what it can cost the latter. On one hand, due to subjective work and gender-related negative perceptions about remote work and flexible schedules, the lessened face-to-face time has been shown to hurt working women’s advancement and promotion prospects in the workplace. On the other hand, while a more flexible schedule allows working moms the latitude to handle their various responsibilities, it also requires them to carefully plan ahead and manage their newfound flexibility. The latter is a significant challenge for many working moms who often feel a need to overcompensate for it, and don’t always have the tools to efficiently use it.
Managing the blessed trap of flexibility is an exercise in discipline, focus, but also self-awareness. Here are three tips that can help:
Set “sacred” areas for work, life and relationships
Flexibility can give us the impression that we have all the time in the world to get everything done. This is when the various areas, priorities and demands of our life and work can get mixed up in a feverish mishmash of to-do’s. As a result, while we may end up genuinely doing a lot, we may also miss out on the most important tasks and priorities, and work ourselves right past what truly matters, both personally and professionally.
This is why it is so important to set “sacred” areas and times for work, life and relationships. Professionally, it may be a matter of defining what our most important work is, and dedicate the best and most time to it. Personally, it’s a matter of also understanding what our non-negotiables are, including family time, rest and entertainment too.
Define flexible yet clear boundaries
The advantage of having a flexible schedule is that we get to organize it ourselves without too many outside impositions. The drawback of a flexible schedule is also that we get to organize it ourselves, and as such may overlook the crucial boundaries needed to maintain our sanity, productivity and efficiency. We’ve all seen examples of overworked mothers during the pandemic go from one personal to professional task without missing a beat until all hours of day and night, yet while totally dismissing the all-too necessary boundaries between work and life.
Establishing clear yet flexible boundaries adapted to our sometimes unpredictable schedules as working moms is not just a life-saver. It’s also a precious opportunity to understand, delineate and continually work on the time, energy and productivity that go into both our personal and professional lives.
Resist the temptation to over-commit
One of the constant temptations brought on by a flexible schedule is that to overcommit. As we have flexibility to structure our schedules ourselves, we also often fall prey to the “yes” syndrome, acquiescing to every and all demand and request on our time.
This is where learning and practicing the art of saying “no” comes in handy. While it is a challenge for many working moms accustomed to serving as sources of support and help in so many personal and professional capacities, it’s also absolutely necessary to distinguish between what we have the bandwidth to do and what we cannot fit in to our schedule. This avoids many a frustration, disagreement, or mismanaged task due to lack of time, energy or sheer capacity. To alleviate the discomfort that can be created by the prospect of declining a request or demand, asking for some time to think about it can help.
How are you managing the traps of flexibility as a working mom?
Welcome to this week’s News Roundup, where we chat about what happened in the news around working women and moms’ careers, businesses, parenting and lifestyles. Read up…
Entrepreneur presents its 2021 100 Women of Impact, and we’re here for it…
In the news this week, Women’s Agenda writes former Facebook employee Frances Haugen’s interview reveals compromising truths about the online giant;
Have you heard about the Pandora Papers? This blockbuster report exposes how the world’s richest individuals conceal their fortune through tax schemes;
Does your company have a returnship program from caregivers getting back to work after a career gap? Forbes tips us off on how to build one;
Are you a small business owner? Black Enterprise lists 5 ways Artificial Intelligence (AI) can help you thrive in this new normal:
Facebook and Instagram were down for a few hours this week, and Business Insider reminds us of the threat this poses for small business owners;
Working mothers are hitting a wall during and as we slowly emerge from this pandemic. Millions among them are exiting the doors of their hard-earned careers for lack of adequate childcare and support. Many more are silently caving under the pressure of wearing too many hats while still having to uphold the very fabric of our families and societal structures. In the midst of all this pressure, the very concept of mothering has been made incredibly more complex than ever, what with the forced necessity to homeschool children while in quarantine, the instability of schools, educational institutions and governments, and the ever-looming threat of economic precariousness, political volatility, and health scares…
The beautiful gift that is mothering has become fraught with uncertainty, pressures and distractions of all kinds, from social media debates on the validity of vaccines to the need to do it all for our children, families and careers without ever skipping a beat…The result? Working mothers are exhausted. Not from the exhaustion that requires a day (or a month) off, or a nice vacation in a far-away tropical location with exotic beaches and strong cocktails…Rather, working moms are in dire need of a simplified, more balanced, less mentally, physically and emotionally tyrannical idea of what parenting ought to be in the 21st century…An idea that demands re-imagining the concept of motherhood down to its essential basics, rather than up to unattainable ideals of performance.
How do we re-imagine, then, a simpler idea of working motherhood than the one we’ve been grappling with for the past 18 months, and frankly, for years before that?
The first step here is admitting to ourselves that we’ve pushed ourselves, often through no or little fault of our own, way past the brink of over-exhaustion. In sometimes desperate attempts to prove we can have it all, so many of us have, consciously or not, subscribed to an elusive idea of performative motherhood anchored in perfectionism, guilt and laced with heavy hints of imposter syndrome.
The second step is to realize at the end of the day that although we can have it all, we can’t have it all at the same time…That everything is a trade-off… That some seasons might have us trade our purpose and fulfillment for our families, while others may have us stepping on the gas of our calling as our little ones learn to fly off the nest on their own…That all in all, even as we may count some as losses and others as gains, nothing is wasted in the building of the unique mothers birthed and grown out of our unique experiences and callings…
Last but not least, simplifying the idea of modern motherhood requires us to make peace with and embrace the uncertainty and change that are not only at the core of motherhood, but has also been our reality for the past 18 months. Understanding that change is the only constant, especially as working moms navigating a precarious global health crisis, not only helps us keep our sanity; but also helps us model a nimbler, more flexible and adaptable way of working and living.
Are you re-inventing a simplified approach to work and life?
Welcome to this week’s News Roundup, where we chat about what happened in the news around working women and moms’ careers, businesses, parenting and lifestyles. Read up…
Black Enterprise reveals groundbreaking ophtalmologist Dr. Patricia E. Bath is set to become one of the first Black women inducted in the National Hall of Fame;
Need to audit and re-design your life? Forbes defines how the Intentional Pause project can help you do just that;
Changing careers? Recruiterblogs suggests you consider a few additional options;
Are you into backpacks? Fast Company lists the most fashionable backpacks for adults;
Feeling rushed all the time? Zen Habits suggests ways to feel more spaciousness in your day;
Want to sound more confident? Lifehacker tells you to drop a few phrases from your vocabulary;
With the end of Daylight Saving time, Mother.ly has a few tips on how to “fall back” with kids.
If you’ve ever wondered about how to deal with change in your career and life, you owe it to yourself to read this book. “Who moved my cheese?” by Dr. Spencer Johnson was recommended during a professional training, igniting my curiosity. I literally devoured it in one evening…
This short story featuring two mice and two little humans faced with a shortage of cheese at their usual cheese station reminds us the only constant is change. When both the little mice and little humans show up one day to no longer cheese at their usual cheese station, they’re surprised and unprepared to deal with this seemingly new turn of events. While the “simpler” little mice accept their new circumstances without much questioning and embark on a search for new cheese, the little humans go through a more laborious process, questioning the change at hand and hesitating to adapt to their new reality. Through their thought process, behaviors and lessons learned, they reveal to us the intricacies of our own nature when faced with the “new” and the lessons learned along the way.
It’s quite easy to identify with the characters, especially the little humans who are more hesitant to recognize and adapt to change. In a few short words and a powerful anecdote, Dr. Spencer Johnson expertly manages to place a mirror in front of us as readers, confronting us with the reality of our core instincts of self-preservation, comfort and predictability. He presents the dilemma of change so many of us face with a simple tale of humanity that can be applied to any area of work or life.
“Who Moved My Cheese?”, in its simplicity and truth, is a game-changer when it comes to dealing with change at work and in life. It not only prompts us to look within at our own beliefs and attitudes about personal and professional transitions, but also to realize and confirm the necessity of change in life. More importantly, it teaches us all to anticipate change, adapt to it, and enjoy the process.
If you are a working mom yourself, the mental load involved in running a household and caring for children is no surprise to you by now. Truth is, many working moms feel quite alone carrying this invisible load, as their partner and society at large are often blissfully unaware, or unwilling to acknowledge, the strain they are under on a near-constant basis.
What does this invisible mental load look like? On any day, it may go from having to remember the kids’ doctor appointments, activities, grocery lists, clean (or not so clean) laundry, to having to improvise when a child is sick or an emergency presents itself. This is on top of holding a full-time job, trying to advance one’s career, caring for family and relatives, and attempting to be a decent human being overall. No wonder so many working moms end up feeling drained, exhausted, and resentful at the end of the day…
This mental load is also part of the reason why many working moms are not able to achieve their full potential, losing the race towards their purpose before it even starts. It also certainly has contributed to the working mom exodus we’ve witnessed during the COVID-19 pandemic. The unequal distribution of this mental load, along with its physical baggage of household chores, childcare and elderly care, is no longer sustainable in families increasingly relying on two incomes. Neither is it sustainable in a society where women constitute half or more of the population, and play a crucial role at all levels, including socially, economically, and politically.
Protecting working moms and their potential then requires equalizing the mental load between household partners. This is no easy feat, as the structural, societal, political and economical structures we’ve been socialized in, and are still living, heavily contribute in perpetuating it. In some instances, crises such as the COVID-19 pandemic tend to even accentuate it. There is no doubt then that equalizing the mental load between partners is more of a process of undoing archaic systems, beliefs and behaviors ingrained in individuals, communities and organizations for centuries. These are antiquated systems even we, as working moms, still adhere to and often unconsciously co-sign and perpetuate to our own detriment. However, it’s also a process that can reap so much fruitful progress, finally opening the door to working moms’ potential, and changing the narrative for so many little girls and boys watching their own mothers for cues for the future.
Here are a few ways to get started:
Acknowledge your own invisible mental load and beliefs
Many, if not most working moms do not acknowledge their invisible mental load until it’s almost too late and they’re too angry to get past it. Don’t get me wrong, in most instances, the anger is justified. So is the sheer exhaustion and pain hiding behind it. This is where acknowledging in an honest, concrete and pragmatic way the actual weight, impact and effect of this load come into play.
It’s hard to understand the true extent and impact of it until one takes a good, hard look at what life really is like on a day-to-day basis. It may be a matter of making a list of all the demands on one’s time on a day-to-day basis, and concretely make an honest assessment. The latter also requires honestly assessing the role one plays in carrying, even hoarding this mental load, as we often unconsciously subject ourselves to it for fear of stepping away from the “norm” as we’ve always known it.
Have an honest conversation with your partner
This may be the most challenging part by far in this process of equalizing the invisible mental load in one’s partnership. Making someone else see and perceive the heaviness of your experience, especially the parts of it that are not readily apparent to others, is no easy feat. Considering how traditional gender roles have been constructed over time, it can be even harder to challenge the status quo and preconceived notions.
Implement a process
The most effective way to tackle equalizing the invisible mental load as partners is to implement a proactive, concrete plan. Just talking about it is barely enough. Instead, getting deep into the nitty-gritty of daily tasks, concerns and questions is crucial. This may be a matter of designating who’s responsible for making and keeping appointments, who makes the phone calls, or who picks up and drops off on what days…Ideally, the distribution of tasks and responsibilities would align with each partner’s areas of strength and what they enjoy doing, so they can actually keep doing it for as long as possible.
Check in and recalibrate periodically
Processes are not infallible. Processes that challenge what most of us have been accustomed to from infancy are even less infallible. So many working moms report attempting to equalize the invisible mental load with their partners, only for things to return to the unsustainable normal it was before. This is why it’s so important to check in with each other, and re-calibrate as often as possible.
All in all, equalizing the invisible mental load for working moms is not only necessary, but it should be a priority for working moms, partnerships, and society in general to thrive. As life gets increasingly complex, it’s becoming a matter of survival for families, and an imperative in raising well-balanced children.
Dear Working Mom is our periodic love letter to working moms everywhere, dealing with motherhood, career, and lifestyle topics…
Dear Working Mom,
You may have considered the next step in your career for quite some time now. You may have asked yourself a thousand different questions, and imagined a thousand different scenarios. How would this change affect your family? How would the kids react? Would you still be able to keep the same schedule? Who would pick up the kids? What would you be missing out on? So many questions swirling in your head, mixed in with the anticipation and fear of moving to the next level of your career…
You’re certainly not alone…Right there along with you, are countless women playing the chess game of working motherhood. One in which career and life decisions carry more than their weight of implications, ramifications and consequences. For a working mom, a career decision is not just a career decision. It’s a family choice, a community perspective, with deeper and more impactful ramifications than one could imagine, from smaller logistical consequences such as picking up and dropping off the kids to school, to larger outcomes such as the choice to have a baby or the survival of a marriage.
Yes, taking the next step in your career as a working mom is a heavy decision, even with the world’s accolades and the support of your closest ones. The quiet, compulsive voice of motherhood guilt, rendered louder by years of societal conditioning, still raises its discouraging tone at every turn. So does the silent judgment of those unable or unwilling to accept your growth and progress…
Yet, your battle is not with the decision at hand. Neither is it with the opportunity in front of you. Your battle, the real battle, is with the voice of guilt threatening to overtake the purpose and vision set aside for you. It is with the silent judgment of those who deny you the power to expand into the fullest version of yourself. Most importantly, it is with the version of yourself that still believes in the guilt, the judgment, the inadequacy that were never yours to carry.
Dear Working Mom,
Don’t be afraid to take the next step, to move forward and grow in your purpose. Your work matters. While it may mean that some things may have to change, even that some hard choices may have to be made, when growth is possible and feasible, don’t let it slide. Not out of fear, not out of guilt, not out of judgment…
Not out of anything that may rob your children, your family, your community, from witnessing what is possible for women who dare to take the next step, against all odds.
What is the next step in your work, and are you afraid to take it? Share your story with us. Email us at corporate@thecorporatesister.com
