by Solange Lopes | Jan 10, 2018 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
When it comes to productivity, it’s one thing to desire to be more productive. It’s an entirely different thing to identify the reasons why you’re not being as productive as you could. For many of us, especially as working women, optimal productivity is still a myth. We try to fit in as much as we can on our already packed schedules, and claim to be so “busy” all the time. Yet how much of the “Busy-ness” is really bearing fruits? How productive are we really being? Most importantly, what are the triggers that lead us down the familiar path of “busy but not productive”?
In my own career, business and life experience, it took me years to understand that new good habits could not stand if I did not identify the old, negative patterns. Which brought me to re-consider three major areas in our work and lives that trigger us to be un-productive:
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Negative Mindsets:
Do you notice how most times, when you get ready to tackle a challenging, uncomfortable, or unpleasant task, you tend to procrastinate? Do you listen to your thoughts as you get distracted and un-focused? Do you even know which thoughts and mindsets cause you to lose focus and send productivity down the drain?
One of the major obstacles to being efficient and productive can be traced to our powerful mindsets. The same mental patterns that motivate, inspire and push us to be our best selves are also those that block us from it. They are the thought patterns that tell us that we’re inadequate, that we cannot do it, that we’re not well connected, qualified, or equipped. Those are thought patterns that may have been passed down from generations, through families, friend circles, even work and business networks.
Knowing what these thought patterns are put us in the strong position to be able to recognize them. Once you recognize your triggers, you can better act to stop them, or at least limit their negative impact.
To Do: Start watching your thoughts for patterns that push you into lack of focus or unproductive work. Recognize these thoughts and learn to move away from them, or situations that may expose you to them. Work on improving your mindset through positive affirmations, inspiring relationships, books and learning tools.
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Productivity-sucking People:
In one of this TV show episodes, Steve Harvey confessed that twice a year, he goes through his list of friends, family and acquaintances, and does a thorough cleansing. Whoever does not help get better no longer has a place in his circle. The first time I heard this tip from Harvey, I cringed. As a person who’s very attached to my friends, family and even acquaintances, I couldn’t fathom the fact that people in your circle and network may hinder your growth and productivity. It took me a few years to experience it in my own work and life, and understand what Harvey was really talking about.
As uncomfortable a reality as it may be, there are “energy vampires” around us who can literally suck the best out of us. These may be negative co-workers, unsupportive friends or family members, or emotionally needy people who take of our resources without feeding us mentally or emotionally in return. These are the people who we may not realize are stunting our growth and making us less productive.
To Do: Identify the “energy vampires” in your life, and reflect on ways to limit their negative impact. This can be a challenging, even painful process. However, it is often one of the most potent blocks to optimal productivity.
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High-investment, low-return Things And Activities:
This is the era of things that can possess us, rather than us possessing them. From social media to instant messaging, not to mention the lure of wealth and power, it can be easy to allow things around us to rob us of our productivity. How many times have you spent hours on Instagram watching others win while you wait? How many times have you spent too much time accumulating things that cost you too much time, money and energy to maintain?
I used to have a pretty sizeable shoe habit. Which also meant I would spend money on accumulating footwear I didn’t have enough room to store. This is without counting with the money and related credit card interest that could have been invested or saved. These “things” were literally cost me time to manage and store adequately, and money that could be put elsewhere.
Did you notice that some of the biggest entrepreneurs, the likes of Mark Zuckerberg, have a limited wardrobe? The reason behind this is that they devote as little time as possible to things with little to no return, and more time to building legacies. What if we also could stop allowing things from keeping us unfocused and unproductive?
To Do: Look around you. Identify those things and possessions that cost you excessive time, money and energy. Start thinking of ways to minimize their impact and re-allocating your time to your most important projects.
How do you face these productivity blocks in your daily life?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
by Solange Lopes | Dec 20, 2017 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
10 Things NEVER to Say To A Mom Who’s Had a C-Section
If you’re a woman who’s ever had a C-section, you know how challenging of a process it can be. In addition to being traumatic for many women who have had to suffer emergency procedures to deliver their babies, at the cost of their own lives. If you’re a woman who hasn’t had to endure one, this is not to speak against anyone. However, we all know that giving birth is such a precious and precarious process which puts both mother and child between life and death.
It’s also the reason why I’m utterly amazed at some of the words and slights spoken at any woman who’s had a C-section. Having gone through the C-section experience myself, I have been at the end of many of these. From some women questioning the legitimacy of my womanhood, to inappropriate questions about how I gave birth, I’ve heard it all…Interestingly enough, I never addressed these directly, for the simple reason that I didn’t know how to. I know I’m not the only one either…
So many women are suffering silently under the false stigma surrounding C-sections, especially in certain cultures. There is this untrue image that giving birth naturally represents some sort of badge of honor. The only badge of honor is from God and represents the gift of life. Which also means that it’s not exactly up to us to determine anyone’s worth based on our opinion of who they are, what they do, or anything really…
10 Things NEVER to Say To A Mom Who’s Had a C-Section
While many comments come from a place of misinformation and miseducation, they are still damaging. From my own and so many other women’s experiences, here are 10 things NEVER to say to a woman who’s had a C-section:
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So, is that giving birth, technically?
FYI: Giving birth is the process of bringing forth life. This means that regardless of the delivery experience, the act of carrying life IS giving birth. Even if it doesn’t come from a bad place, refrain from taking any of this experience away from a mom who’s had a C-section. Period.
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You’ll never experience giving birth naturally
I remember standing in absolute shock as this woman said these exact words to me. Although I thought I was mentally prepared and had heard just about anything about C-sections, this took me by absolute surprise.
Make no mistake, such a statement, or anything close to it, is not only of bad taste, but it is incredibly cruel. However, it only reveals ignorance and an extreme lack of compassion. Don’t be that person.
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It must be so easy to give birth by C-section
FYI: C-sections are major surgeries, for which women undergoing it are awake. Then these same women get sent home a couple of days after being cut open, with some medication and a new human life to care for! Think about it, most people undergoing major surgery are sent home with prescription painkillers and ordered to rest!
Add to it the struggle to care for your surgery wound, to use the bathroom, or to simply walk around! We may need to reframe the definition of “easy”, huh?
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You’re so lucky to have given birth by C-section
Many, if not most, women undergo C-sections after extensive labor, and in order to save their child’s life. These are women who suffer through BOTH labor, surgery and the trauma of fearing for theirs and their child’s health. Don’t assume that social media images of wealthy women opting for C-sections is what happens to everyone. And don’t downplay the trauma affecting so many women!
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You can try again next time to do it naturally!
The process of life and being born is a NATURAL process! What you may mean by “natural” is “vaginal birth”. In which case this statement may have to be rephrased.
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At least, you’re intact down there
Getting cut open while a child is being taken out of you doesn’t exactly fall under the “intact” category. Or maybe there’s no need to compare. At all.
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At least, the baby’s healthy
Yes, and that is why many women undergo C-sections. However, that woman standing in front of you also has worth and feelings too. Acknowledge her process as well, because every time a child is born, a mother is being born as well.
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You don’t have to pee yourself, at least
FYI: Having a weakened pelvic floor is not correlated to how you give birth. As a matter of fact, it can happen to any woman for the simple fact of being pregnant. So eventually, we may all end up sharing those Depends diapers.
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That’s too bad.
Giving birth (refer to point #1) is a miracle, and an absolute joy, regardless of how it happened! So please don’t dampen this whole magical experience. Everyone’s healthy, it’s a happy time!
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Don’t worry, the statistics about C-sections are (insert statistics)
When you meet someone who reduces your entire experience to a bunch of statistics, albeit accurate. And you just want to tell them to be happy with you, let it go, and leave the Birth Encyclopedia alone…
Here’s to all the brave mothers, biological or by heart, who devote their lives to nurturing others! You are worthy, you are enough, you are loved!
The Corporate Sis
by Solange Lopes | Dec 19, 2017 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
Last-Minute Gift Guide for the Fierce Working Women In Your Life
Please note I may receive a commission if you purchase the items below.
‘Tis the season for gifting! When it comes to the fierce, kickass, unstoppable working women around you, finding gifts that truly represent who they are (and that they can actually use) can be tricky. After all, keeping up with an ambitious woman’s excellent taste, as well as her busy career, is not for the faint of hearts.
If you’re wondering what to run out and get that relentless, hard-working woman in your life, you can get inspired by some of our ideas. Something tells me she’ll adore these practical yet stylish office tools, these brilliant office supplies, and one-of-a-kind signature accessories.
Rifle Paper Floral Weekly Planner Desk
Rifle Paper Weekly Desk Planner – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
This weekly planner desk featuring 52 tear-off sheets is the perfect desk accessory and reminder in one! The honeydew floral style is elegant and chic, and you can even use it as a mouse pad! Click HERE to check it out!
Clear Office Desk Drawer Organizer – Photo credit: amazon.com
Clear Office Desk Organizer
This clear drawer desk organizer is perfect to store all your office supplies in one place. From the two file organizers on the left, to the iPad holder and charger in the back, you can get everything you need in the office in one place. Click HERE.
Goal Digger Planner 2018 Ivory Agenda – Photo credit: amazon.com
Goal Digger Planner 2018 Ivory Agenda
This stylish gold polka dot organizer includes enough space for your budget, your yearly and weekly goals, as well as monthly and weekly calendars, among other practical things. The details, from the gold elastic bands to the gold corners, are just perfect. Click HERE.
Kate Spade Cameron Street Agenda – Photo credit: amazon.com
Kate Spade Cameron Street Agenda
Get clarity and intention with this stylish and practical Kate Spade agenda. Featuring 17 month fillers, laminated dividers and 14k gold plated hardware, this agenda means business! Click HERE.
Like A Boss Mouse Pad – Photo credit: amazon.com
Like A Boss Mouse Pad
Stay inspired and productive with this colorful, optimized for comfort Like a Boss mouse pad. Not only is it a conversation starter, but it’s also designed for extreme comfort with a soft rubber base. It also allows for precision tracking. Click HERE.
kate spade new york Acrylic Stapler – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Kate Spade New York Acrylic Stapler
Thou shalt staple in style! This acrylic stapler is a great addition to your office supplies. And the inscription reading “Keep It Together” is all you need to keep you motivated. Click HERE.
Sloane Stationery “Geek Chic” Notebook – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Sloane Stationery “Geek Chic” Notebook
The “nerd” woman in your life will love this Sloane stationary “geek chic” notebook. This embossed, soft-cover notebook will keep you on track and in productivity. Click HERE.
kate spade new york Journal – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Kate Spade New York Journal
This cloth-covered, hard cover journal with gold foil accents is the chic companion to any kickass working woman in your life. Click HERE.
Rebecca Minkoff Regan Sleeve – photo credit: www.amazon.com
Rebecca Minkoff Regan Laptop Sleeve
This genuine leather laptop sleeve features an exclusive padded lining and front zip pocket for extra storage. The Rebecca Minkoff signature details are as stylish as they are elegant. Click HERE.
Glitter iPhone Case – Photo credit: amazon.com
Glitter iPhone Case
This is the perfect phone companion for any fabulous working woman who wants some bling in her life. Click HERE.
Frends Layla Headphones – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Frends Layla Headphones
These headphones are as stylish as they’re comfortable and efficient. The memory foam cushions are molded to fit your ears, while the stain-resistant leather is both practical and a magnet for compliments. Click HERE.
Wireless Bluetooth Headphones – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Wireless Bluetooth Headphones
These wireless bluetooth headphones are as simple as they are efficient. Whether you use them alone or share them with a friend, the built-in sensitive microphones will ensure perfect sound. Click HERE.
Michael Kors Rose Gold Watch – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Michael Kors Rose Gold Watch
This rose gold watch will keep her on time and fabulous! Click HERE.
Mint Boss Lady Mug – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Mint Boss Lady Mug
For any Boss Lady in your life! This mug will remind her to keep thriving in all areas of her life! Click HERE.
Pink Eyelashes Gold Coffee Mug – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Pink Eyelashes Gold Coffee Mug
Chic and stylish are two words to define this adorable mug! The working woman in your life will get a kick out of it (as well as out of the coffee she’ll be sipping out of it)! Click HERE.
Real Lightweight Leather and Ponte Jacket – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Real Lightweight Leather and Ponte Jacket
Nothing like a statement leather jacket to give the working woman in your life a pep in your step! This moto-inspired jacket is perfect with any workwear or weekend wear. Click HERE.
Tweed Jacket With Trim – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Tweed Jacket With Trim
A classic tweed jacket like this one will be a perfect addition to any professional woman’s workwear. Click HERE.
Successful Women Speak Differently: 9 Habits That Build Confidence, Courage, and Influence – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Successful Women Speak Differently: 9 Habits That Build Confidence, Courage, and Influence
Give her the gift of confidence, courage and influence with this amazing book by best-selling author and life strategist Valorie Burton. Click HERE.
In the Company of Women: Inspiration and Advice from over 100 Makers, Artists, and Entrepreneurs – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
In the Company of Women: Inspiration and Advice from over 100 Makers, Artists, and Entrepreneurs
Offer her the gift of inspiration with this chef-d’oeuvre featuring over 100 exceptional women sharing business advice about following your passion. Click HERE.
The Motivation Manifesto – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
The Motivation Manifesto
Give her the gift of motivation with this best-selling exceptional book by renowned high-performance coach Brendon Burchard. It will be a great way to inspire her to own her personal freedom. Click HERE.
Brasilla Small Duffel Bag – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Brasilla Small Duffel Bag
Inspire her to keep in shape with this Nike Brasilla small duffel bag. This water-resistant and stylish bag will be her favorite go-to as she rushes out to the gym. Click HERE.
Diablo Small Duffel Limited Edition – Photo credit: www.amazon.com
Diablo Small Duffel Limited Edition
Perfect for the busy working woman on the go, this small duffel bag is great for any gym run. Click HERE.
Disclaimer: “We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.”
What else would you add to this list?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Oct 24, 2017 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
If you’re getting in the Halloween spirit at work, you don’t have to restrict yourself to only decorating the front of your home. You can also take the season to work and brighten up your cubicle.
Here are a few ideas you can use to add some pumpkin spice and Halloween-style to your workspace:
Halloween Wooden Tabletop – photo credit: target.com
Fun signs are a great way to add some seasonal spunk to your desk area. This Halloween wooden tabletop sign is a sparkly and festive addition to your workspace to direct your co-workers to that coveted candy bowl.
Foam Pumpkin – Photo credit: www.target.com
This lightweight foam pumpkin is a great alternative to real pumpkins (which may rot over time). Place it on your desk, on a bookcase or on the floor of your cubicle or office, and welcome the season!
Happy Halloween Banner Set – Photo credit: www.target.com
How about adorning your cubicle walls with a fun banner set like this Happy Halloween set to welcome colleagues. I also like this fun shatterproof wreath that will look great on your office door as well.
Halloween Ceramic Pumpkin Bowl – Photo credit: target.com
Nothing like a fun serving bowl to add some candy swag to your cubicle! I love this cheerful and whimsical ceramic pumpkin candy bowl, perfect for your desk.
How do you decorate your cubicle or office for Halloween?
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Oct 24, 2017 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
If you look at your calendar as a working woman, you may be tempted to take a dive and just swim in it. As working women, our schedules can be closer to Madness Land if we don’t stop and actually re-focus ourselves every now and again.
I know my biggest struggle when it comes to being productive and effective is managing my time effectively. As a mom, a wife, an entrepreneur, a sister and friend, wearing the many hats life throws at me can be quite the juggling act. When you must be everywhere all at once, setting priorities is crucial.
Here are 7 questions to ask yourself daily to manage your time effectively as a working woman:
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What matters the most?
It’s one thing to make a to-do list, it’s another to determine what matters the most. However you decide to rank your priorities, decide what matters the most in order to accomplish your goals and objectives for the day. What has the most impact on your goals and success? That’s what you should zoom in on.
This may also mean making peace with not getting every little thing done, but focusing on what matters most.
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What can I say no to today?
We may tend to want to include just about everything that may fit into our calendar. However, mastering the art of picking and choosing what to say no to is crucial to meeting your goals. Every day, ask yourself what you can say no to, so you can actually say yes to what matters and has the biggest impact on your success.
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Why am I doing this?
Identifying the “why” behind your actions goes a long way towards setting your priorities in the right order. What is the motive behind what you do day in and day out? If the reason behind what you do is not tied to improving yours or someone else’s success, then it may be worth reconsidering whether it shoud be part of your to-do list.
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How can I do this better and faster?
Managing your time effectively also means creating systems and processes that allow you to perform certain tasks faster and better. Can you look at the tasks and responsibilities that fill out the bulk of your time and devise ways to execute them faster and better?
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When do I have to get this done by?
Deadlines are important, not just as gatekeepers of our time, but also as mechanisms to help us organize ourselves better. What is more urgent? What needs to be completed first? Putting yourself in a position to complete your tasks within their deadlines will not only make you more fulfilled and satisfied. It will also free up time to tackle other tasks on your to-do list.
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How much help am I getting?
Managing your time more effectively also means getting the right kind of support around you. How are you being supported in the achievement of your goals? Who in your network is offering their help and support? Answering this question will help you find out about your support network, and learn to ask for help as well, so you can save time and focus on your strengths.
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Is this going to matter in five years?
Whenever I face a seemingly impossible obstacle, I ask myself if it’s going to matter in five years. What’s the impact of your actions? Is this impact short-term or long-term? If it won’t matter in the future, you may have to either push it to the bottom of the list, or take it out of your to-do list entirely.
How do you manage your time more effectively?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sis.
by Solange Lopes | Oct 16, 2017 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
By Lauren Smith Brody
In honor of National Boss Day, The Corporate Sister is pleased to share this article by Lauren Smith Brody, author of “The Fifth Trimester”. In this article, Lauren Smith Brody has partnered with Total Wireless to share her tips for successful working moms.
Did you know that today (October 16) is National Boss’s Day? Here’s my take: The bosses who should be celebrated with the most cupcakes and flowers today are Boss Moms—working moms who do it all and get it done at all hours of the day, and with only a fraction of that time rewarded with an actual paycheck. In fact, according to a recent survey by Total Wireless, 95 percent of moms say that the most stressful part of being a working mom is the pressure to juggle work and family responsibilities to perfection. Do they always get it done without ever losing their cool? Au contraire, ma mere.
In my version of this national holiday, being a Boss Mom means you bless the mess, celebrate the journey that got you to where you are today and realize that a satisfied life is rarely a balanced one…but a happy one. That’s why I’m teaming up with Total Wireless to celebrate Boss Moms and how they do it all on National Boss’s day and beyond.
- LEARN THIS TERM: “MENTAL LOAD.” The mental load is the reason that I know how many eggs are in our fridge right now and how high the temperature has to be in order for my boys to be allowed to wear shorts to school (love that dress code). It is also the reason that I occasionally forget to sign a check that I put in the mail (thank you, payment apps for helping me out here). The mental load is the labor we do in our minds keeping track of 1,273,038 things even when we aren’t technically working or parenting. And that work deserves to be acknowledged.
- HOLD THE JUDGEMENT, PLEASE. Here’s something wonderful about 2017 (an otherwise complicated year, to say the least): We are officially no longer living in a society where it is socially appropriate for working moms to judge stay-at-home moms, and vice versa. I’ve interviewed hundreds of moms for my book and company, and the general consensus was this: We are all just doing our best to raise the next generation. And yet, so many mothers still admitted to judging themselves. Enough, I say! According to the same survey by Total Wireless, 95 percent of moms know that the journey to success hinges on having the confidence to make the necessary choices…and often those choices include sacrifice. Do not feel guilty. Instead, celebrate your accomplishments. It’s all part of the journey of satisfaction we’re modeling for our kids.
- SKIP SOMETHING. Want to know the best feeling in the world (better than the candle-lit bubble bath you’ve been meaning to take for three years now)? Open up your calendar and delete one thing from next week. Here, I’ll even give you your excuse: “I’m looking ahead and realizing I’ve overscheduled myself for next week. Let’s please cancel/move our lunch/meeting/obligation/endeavor/commitment.” Another option if it’s something you can’t miss entirely: Downgrade an in-person meet-up to a phone call. Everyone’s more efficient that way, and you can order groceries online at the same time if needed.
- CALL YOUR OWN BOSS MOM. Better yet, FaceTime her (because you know she won’t mind if you’re not wearing any makeup…or if you have to leave her staring at the ceiling while you attend to the 2-year-old’s bloody nose). Whether your mom worked out of the home or not, the list of skills you learned from her is surely long and mighty. (The same survey I reference above found more than half of working women consider their own moms the ultimate “total boss.”) Did she teach you to drive (thus ensuring you can do that last conference call of the day while in the privacy of your own car)? Did she force you and your sister to “work it out between you two” (and give you team-building skills that you use to this day?). It’s vital to acknowledge that stuff, not just because it makes her feel appreciated…but because it makes you realize how much wisdom you’re imparting to your own kids that they’ll use one day. Oh, tell your mom that part too!
This National Boss’s Day, join me and Total Wireless in celebrating working moms for everything they’ve accomplished—including the choices and sacrifices they’ve made to get where they are today.
With great coverage on America’s largest and most dependable 4G LTE† network, Total Wireless gives you the confidence to plan and celebrate the ‘total boss’ mom in your life—all from the palm of your hand with your smartphone. Learn more at TotalWireless.com.
Lauren Smith Brody, author of “The Fifth Trimester”
Lauren Smith Brody is the founder of The Fifth Trimester movement to help businesses and families improve workplace culture together; she is the author of the best-selling book, The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom’s Guide to Style, Sanity, and Big Success After Baby. Prior to launching her own business, Lauren had a 16-year career in magazine publishing, most recently as the executive editor of Glamour magazine. She’s partnering with Total Wireless to share her Total Boss Mom strategies—hectic schedule, two little boys, messy home, and all. Check out TotalWireless.com to learn more about the latest phones and the best deal in wireless.
*The 30-Day cycle for Shared Data Family Plans begins on the day the first line/device is activated. Any line(s)/device(s) activated later in the first 30-Day cycle will receive only the number of days remaining in that cycle. A month equals 30 days.
†To get 4G LTE speed where available you must have a 4G LTE capable device and a 4G LTE SIM card. Actual availability, coverage and speed may vary. LTE is a trademark of ETSI. Please always refer to the latest terms and conditions of service at TotalWireless.com.
This survey was commissioned by Total Wireless and conducted by Survata, an independent research firm in San Francisco. Survata interviewed 1,069 online respondents between September 29, 2017 and October 4, 2017. For further information, visit www.survata.com.
by Solange Lopes | Sep 21, 2017 | Working Mom & Woman Tips |
The Awakened Family by Shefali Tsabari
There are few books that have made me think about my family history and the way I parent my children more than “The Awakened Family” by Dr. Shefali Tsabari. As a working mom of two, it’s so easy to get wrapped in the busyness of every day and avoid consciously thinking about parenting. Although there’s so much advice out there around the “right” way to be a parent, how to discipline our children, what to do and not to do, there’s no set formula for raising balanced, fulfilled kids.
The truth is, when it comes to parenting, many of us learn as we go. As much as we may like to pretend we know what we’re doing, most of us face, at some point or another of our parenting journey, the ultimate question: “Am I doing this right?”
The premise of “The Awakened Family” is that as conscious parents, we must focus on ushering our children into their destiny and allowing them to be their own persons, rather than seeking to impose our own will and desires on our kids. Dr. Tsabari encourages us to distinguish between the parenting habits we’ve acquired from our culture, experience or social conditioning while growing up, and parenting that actually helps our children be more of who they are.
I’m a world citizen born and raised in Senegal (West Africa) with African and European influences, who now resides in America and is married to a Cape Verdian man. Quite the cultural melting pot! If you now add to the mix kids born in America in a household that speaks Wolof, Creole, French and English, plus the mainstream Spanish because: Despacito and the need to get your hair pressed pin straight, we’re in International Land!
That’s also what Dr. Tsabari talks about in her book, as she recounts her own experience as an Indian woman who studied and later settled in the US. Faced with the impact of her own culture on her understanding and interpretation of life and parenting, she made the conscious decision, with the support of her parents, to stop allowing external influences from her upbringing and prior experiences to determine her destiny and how she raises her child.
In the same way, she advises us as parents to take a good hard look at how our own upbringing, cultural values and generational traditions, are standing in the way of our being able to parent consciously. We often repeat the same parenting patterns we’ve seen in our childhood, forgetting (or denying) some (or all) of the damaging effects these may have had on us. This is not to diminish the precious cultural values we’ve received in any way. Rather, it is to awaken us to the fact that each child is different, and must be raised as a way to enhance their strengths and qualities, rather than reject what may not agree with what we’ve been taught or exposed to.
Similarly, we also often allow outside circumstances and the weight of our personal lives and experiences, to affect the way we relate to our kids. We forget that we tend to project onto them our feelings and beliefs, without taking into account that they are their own people with their own dreams, destinies, tastes and preferences. Instead, we may unknowingly impose our worldview on them under the premise of absolute parental authority.
Reading Dr. Tsabari’s books, I was reminded of all those times when I repeated some of the parenting patterns I experienced as a child. While these were certainly valuable, they may not apply to the human beings I am given the privilege and responsibility to raise. Instead of looking at them as individual personalities in-forming, I may at times have projected onto them my own behaviors, thoughts, patterns, and wishes.
How many times do we stop and ask ourselves if the way we raise our children is for their greater good? How many times do we stop and collaborate with them to better understand them, rather than constantly telling them what to do? And how often do we stop and consider that their misbehaving and rebelling may actually be calls to pay attention to who they are, rather than who we want them to be? Most importantly, how often do we question ourselves as parents, and try to grow first before casting judgment on our children?
In her book, Dr. Tsabari explores our need to better understand ourselves and be more in touch with who we are as parents first. Children can very easily catch up on our vibes, even when we pretend to be someone we’re not. As such, we must first master ourselves, independently of the influences that may have shaped us. It’s only then that we can mirror to our children the values we try so hard to instill in them, but often fail to do so because they don’t see us living what we preach.
All in all, this book has changed the way I look at parenting, especially as a multicultural woman. I highly recommend it to all parents and anyone else looking to be more conscious of the way they parent.
What other books would you recommend?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sis.
