Falling asleep on the couch with a full face of make-up on and one last bite of cheese between my teeth used to sum up my bedtime routine as a new working mom. I had no idea what a bedtime routine even was, and how I could possibly fit it into my already jam-packed schedule. By the time the kids were in bed, the kitchen semi-organized (if that), I’d pretend to relax for a few minutes on the sofa, only to find myself laying somewhere between the sticky floors and the juice-impregnated pillows…Such is the reality of many working moms out there, coming home from work already exhausted and then having to tackle their second shift at home…
It wasn’t until years later that I actually started turning my bedtime routine into self-care and me-time, earning a few minutes for myself before unglamorously hitting the sack. As tired as you may be, taking some time to rewind and focus on yourself before bed can amp up your self-care routine, while providing you with the me-time you need before the mommy race starts all over again in the morning…
Here are a few simple ways you can turn the few minutes before bed into your sacred me-time:
PAMPER YOURSELF
Nothing like pampering your skin to feel all luxurious and rejuvenated after a long day at work and fighting with the kids to finally go to sleep! It’s even better when you can reap the benefits as you look refreshed, younger and more vibrant, despite that milk stain on your shirt.
Even when you feel exhausted, there are a few steps you can take to add an extra dose of pampering to your evening:
Take some time to remove your make-up
Cardinal rule of mommy skincare: take off the make-up! I know, when the bed is calling your name like that guac and chips appetizer, wiping anything off may feel like torture. But your mama was right, you’ve got to wash your face! Or you can take a shortcut with make-up remover cleansing towelettes like these Neutrogena make-up remover towelettes.
My personal favorite is the Garnier SkinActive Micellar Cleansing Water, which I apply with regular cotton rounds, and does a great job at wiping off even the most stubborn waterproof mascara (because a girl needs her waterproof mascara).
Run yourself a nice bath or take a long shower
Unless you’re just about to collapse and cannot take life any longer, taking a bath or running a hot shower can give you some much-needed rewind time before bed. You can give yourself an extra few minutes of stress-free personal space by soaking in a nice aromatherapeutic bath. One of my favorite bath foams is this Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Stress Relief mousse, with eucalyptus and spearmint.
Give your skin some extra TLC
If you can fit in a few more minutes, you may be able to give your skin some much needed TLC for the night. One of my favorite skin TLC products is this Vitamin C serum by Serumtologie, which does wonders, especially overnight.
READ A FEW PAGES OF A BOOK
After I had babies, I realized how little time I had to read it, even as a bookworm. Since my days are usually packed, I like to fit in a few minutes of reading before bedtime, under the covers. I’m not always successful at passing a few pages, and that’s when I don’t start snoring on the open book. But it’s proven to be a good way to relax, and get my reading in without the kids snatching pages away or talking my ear off…
While I always prefer my paper books, reading on my Kindle makes it easier to stay awake at time.
If all else fails and my eyes just give up on life, I can always resort to audiobooks through Audible, and call it a reading night!
MEDITATE, PRAY OR JOURNAL FOR A FEW MINUTES
Adding some prayer, meditation or journaling to your rewind time before bed can make a world of difference in your self-care. As working moms, it can be hard to carve out time alone to do any of this during the day. Which is why evenings before bed can be a great time to do so…
If you enjoy journaling before bedtime, then you’ll love this watercolor Practice You guided journal by Elena Brower which prompts you to self-discovery. You may also enjoy this I Am Here Now mindfulness journal by the Mindfulness Project, available on Amazon as well.
Neither does it have to be a lengthy, painful process. Channels such as the Sleep Sounds and Meditation or the Law of Attraction Affirmations channels on Amazon Prime Video are great to get some manifestation in. You can also easily listen to an audio book on mediation on Audibleas well.
How do you rewind and practice self-care before bed as a working mom?
It was a Friday afternoon, and I had logged into the NASBA website to check on my latest CPA exam section results. My heart was beating so loudly I could anticipate it exploding out of my chest. The kids were rolling on the floor, which honestly needed to be cleaned by now, but I had to fold the laundry first. I took a deep breath and clicked on the screen. My heart dropped.
I had failed, at both sections of the exam. I mean, failed, failed, not anywhere near the required 75 to pass, but at an abysmal distance from it. I had failed, yet again, at this exam that I could not seem to pass. Truth be told, I had barely studied for both parts, as I desperately tried to cram the night before. Kinda like I did when I ‘d fall asleep on my Princeton Review books while cramming for my GMAT to get into graduate school. Tears were forming in the corner of my eyes, as I yelled at the kids to stop licking the floor. I had failed miserably, and my floors were ridiculously dirty, and it was Friday, and my entire week-end/life was ruined. Plus I hadn’t had lunch yet… I picked up the phone and called a trusted family member. I needed to vent. I don’t remember the conversation, but I’ll always remember what she said to me: “You know, when you have kids, you cannot do as much. Maybe you should let the CPA exam go and focus on your family.” She meant it in a comforting, soothing way. And for a second or so, I was comforted and soothed. The next second, something rose inside of hungry, battered, exhausted self, as I thought: “ But why can’t I be a good mom and follow my dreams?”
How many of you, hard-working moms, have asked yourself the same question, as you stared at your astronomical pile of laundry, your less-than-immaculate floors, or that presentation you had to finish while breast-feeding your baby? And how many times did someone, whether a trusted family member or friend, kindly comforted you by gently admonishing you to break up with your dreams for the sake of your family? Or how many times did you guilt yourself into thinking that because you have kids, you’re no longer allowed to dream for yourself?
I often hear women say that they’re taking a break in their career or business to focus on their family. Or that now that they have kids, it’s no longer about them. Don’t get me wrong, I understand and empathize with the nobleness and self-sacrificial call of motherhood as a whole. I understand that once we become moms, things change and are never quite the same. That former priorities are re-prioritized, schedules arranged and lives re-organized to nurture the precious lives entrusted to us.
Yet, while our kids should be our priority, should they also be the excuses we hide behind not to achieve the fullness of our potential and live up to our God-given purpose? If we are to serve as models to our daughters and sons, ought we not to grow into and show up as the best versions of ourselves, while still being present and caring for them? Wouldn’t we want our daughters to see what it means to enter into the fullness of who we are, whether we do this as stay-at-home moms, business leaders, career women and/or partners, sisters, friends?
Like so many of us, I’ve wrestled (and still do) with these questions, trying to reconcile the practical side of being a working mom to the physical, mental and spiritual demands of living in one’s purpose. I don’t believe there is any right or wrong answer, or that there’s some imaginary “motherhood” line traced in the sand of our existences. What I believe is that we all have our unique process, our unique journey, and our unique answers to these deep questions. However, there are a few simple guideposts we can stand to use as we address these:
Define your priorities
As a working mom, things will come at you from everywhere, all at once. Family, home, work, money, relationships, all seem to create a mumbo-jumbo of commitments and never-ending obligations. This is where defining your priorities becomes crucial. What is most important to you? Where are you committed to pouring most of your energy? For me, it goes in this order: Faith, Self, Family and Work. When I get lost in the brouhaha of daily life, I remind myself of this to re-conceptualize my life and move forward.
Understand what makes you come alive, that is Purpose
What makes me come alive and jump out of bed in the morning? Writing and teaching. While I dabbled with many other interests over the years, I finally came face-to-face with my truth. What is yours? What is the word, or the couple of words, that make you light up and get up out of bed? That is Purpose, and that is where you will do your best work.
Everything else other than your priorities and your Purpose is not essential. Let me repeat this: If it’s not part of your priorities, or aligned with your Purpose, it’s not essential. When faced with any decision or action, ask yourself: “Is this aligned with my priorities or my Purpose?” If the answer is not, then it may have to be relegated to a later free time, or eliminated altogether. It’s not mean, it’s decisive, and it’s to serve your Higher good.
Do you believe you can be a good mom and still follow your dreams?
“This year, I’m getting my life and staying organized for the holidays. Christmas shopping on time!” This is usually my vow to myself as the holidays approach. Fast-forward to a few weeksdays before Christmas, as I’m scrambling to get my last gifts bought and somewhat wrapped in the nick of time. Oh, and yes, it literally happens every year, along with the frustration and aggravation that inevitably follow…
The holidays are one of the busiest times of the year, especially for working women and moms. This is where the gift of organization comes in really handy, what with planning the festivities, buying and wrapping gifts, as well as handling your responsibilities at work and at home. I remember dreading the approach of the year end, at the thought of everything I would have to do, amplified by my chronic tendency to procrastinate. I finally hit a wall when I caught myself unwrapping gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve when I realized that all the tags had the wrong names on them. Not to mention the horrible mood I was in, which prevented me from being truly present and enjoying this most wonderful time of year.
Despite my best attempts at not controlling my procrastination, I had to give in. After much trial and error, wrapping and unwrapping gifts with the wrong tags, here are seven tips that took my holidays from stressful and overwhelming to peaceful and enjoyable:
Use the right organization tools
Getting organized requires the right tools to keep you on track. Anyone who knows me knows I’m obsessed with planners and office supplies. My absolute favorite is Erin Condren’s Life Planner, which is perfect for customizing how you plan your own schedule and to-do’s. The three weekly layouts to choose from let you plan your time, in your unique way! I enjoy the vertical weekly columns to annotate all my appointments, with the side spaces to include all my to-do’s for the week. I also love that it includes inspirational quotes and notes, along with stickers and extras to celebrate each task you accomplish, while you keep your spirits high all holiday long.
There is way too much to do over the holidays to pretend to do it all. Over time, I’ve learnt to distinguish what’s really important from what’s not, and prioritize my tasks. For me, this means simplifying my schedule by taking care of the essential, and letting the rest go. What deadlines have to be met by the end of the year at work and personally? What relationships are you set to honor with your time and gifts this season? How much of your personal and household chores can you realistically accomplish?
Answering these questions can go a long way in being more organized and less overwhelmed, which translates into actually enjoying, instead of resenting, the holidays.
Let go of control
I had to check myself at some point and recognize that most of my holiday stress was due to my then “control freak” tendencies. From wanting everything to be perfect to being anal over name tags, the need for control plays a large part in turning the holidays into a nightmare. Not to mention that every single task ends up taking more time than you’ll ever have, resulting in major disorganization, lateness and annoyances along the way.
What I’m learning is to let go of control and the need for perfection. “Done beats perfect” is my new motto, and has saved me much time, stress and energy too.
Have you ever felt the pressure to be the perfect working mom or parent in general? Do you scroll through social media picture-perfect accounts of overachieving parents spending their weekends on the soccer field or traveling to ballet competitions, wondering if your own parenting is sub-par? Or are you exhausted trying to keep up with the impossibly busy schedules of your little (or not so little) ones?
As a perfectionist, ex-teacher pet and recovering overachiever, I believed the same qualities could be applied to parenting when I became a parent myself. Add to that being an African immigrant subjected to the excellence standard so many immigrants are familiar with, I thought it natural to pass it on to my children as well. Although I’m not the kind of mom you’d catch baking batches of cookies for the school’s bake sale or running from competitive soccer games to ballet competitions, there’s still enough of the “perfect parenting pressure” of modern times to keep me on my tired working mom toes. Enough to keep me, and other working moms and parents, pushing ourselves to do as much as humanly possible to cater to every sporting event, school activity, or extra-curricular requirement of our children (and exhausting ourselves in the process)…
Growing up in Senegal, West Africa, in a loving, yet strict single-parent household, I was fortunate enough to experience the tough yet wise African kind of parenting. That brand of parenting where love meant injecting a healthy dose of “constructive” criticism” to everything you did, and holding you to rigid standards of respect and social behavior. The kind of parenting where affection was served with a helping of struggle and a “you can’t have it your way” attitude. While I was privileged in many aspects, there was no being shuttled left and right to a gazillion activities, I had to figure out my own homework, and I had better not bring anything less than an A home. Oh, and did I mention, all family members, plus the neighbors, were not only allowed, but encouraged, to set me straight shall I stray from the expected path.
Fast-forward a few years, becoming a parent myself, as an immigrant, I’d find myself running to and fro activities and poring over school projects too big for my limited artistic skills. Add to that feeling guilty for messing up the frosting on the Halloween brownies and missing my son scoring a goal beI had never signed up to be a perfect parent, so I had to check myself (and my own sanity). I also had to learn that perfect parenting is a myth that can only end up with thinned edges and premature fine lines. Instead, I opted for imperfect, yet healthy, parenting, and this is why:
There is no such thing as a perfect mom/parent
Repeat after me: there is no perfect parent. There has never been, and never will be. Parenting is a process, which also means we are ALL learning, including the moms who are dealing with their fourth child and those who are just starting out. Different parenting approaches work for different families
Accepting this fact goes a long way in helping to deal with the normal ups and downs of parenting. I know it helped, and still does help me, on those days when mommy guilt overtakes me and I’m not sure what I’m doing any more.
You are not just a mom
I often hear the phrase: “Being a mom is my most important job”. I’d agree. I’d even go a step further, motherhood, and parenting in general, is a lifetime commitment. My maternal grandmother used to say: “Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems”. I can now see why…
However, we’re not just moms, despite it being so important in our lives. We’re also individuals with full personalities, particularities and lives, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, filled with divine potential and purpose. Developing all these parts of ourselves also helps us become the best, yet still imperfect, mothers we are.
Allow yourself room to grow (and teach your kids to grow as well)
Being an imperfect parent has lots of perks, one of which being that it allows you room to grow as a mom. It also allows you to teach your kids to grow with you. I’m always learning about better ways of parenting that are more aligned with who I am, which makes the entire process so much more exciting and rewarding! As I forgive myself for the mistakes I make, I can also teach my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes, and grow in the process too.
Maybe the best way to parent is to be more open, vulnerable, and imperfect. Maybe it’s less about teaching our kids who they should be, but showing them how they can be who they were created to be…
I often talk about being moderated, driven, and pursuing your goals as a working woman. However, there also times when being overly driven and motivated can create significant overwhelm in your life. I know I’ve found myself in overwhelming situations more often than I wanted to as a result of wanting to cram as much in my schedule as possible. As a working mom, I wanted it all to fit in. The family, the career, the side hustle, even the worship and praise. It had to all fit in. Until I started getting so tired, irritable, and out of sorts, that I couldn’t recognize myself. It doesn’t help that in the age of female empowerment and social media, we are constantly egged on to continually hustle and do whatever it takes to succeed.
Overwhelm happens. As a matter of fact, it happens to many, if not most women. However, it doesn’t have to. We don’t have to live as victims into a continuous sense of never being on top of our schedule or our lives in general even when our to do list mountable feel like there never going to be enough hours in the day, they are ways to beat overwhelm:
Acknowledge the situation
When busyness becomes a badge of honor, it can be easy to deny the fact that we’re overwhelmed. Instead, we start thinking that being constantly tired and at a of loss is a normal state of being. It begins with acknowledging the problem before we can actually solve it. Are you not feeling yourself? Do you feel constantly exhausted and not in control of your time, do you feel like you’re constantly on the go and never have a minute to stop? These and so many others are clean signs that you may be overwhelmed.
It took a long while for me to acknowledge that I was indeed overwhelmed. As a recovering people-pleaser, saying “yes” to every request was the norm for me. When overwhelm started settling in, I was first in a state of denial, feeling guilty for not being able to handle it all. It actually took having the honesty and humility to admit to myself that I was in over my head to start changing things.
Identify the sources of your problem.
The next step is to recognize what is causing your sense of overwhelm. It may be that you have unreasonable expectations as to your schedule or the demands of your life and work. Most often, it is the case. Identifying the source(s) of your overwhelm is a powerful tool to target what needs to changed.
After admitting to myself that I was indeed overwhelmed, I had to identify what was causing such an imbalance in my life and work. I recognized that my then-lack of organization, as well as my inability to prioritize, were to blame. It was clear then that I had to double down on organizational skills, and do less while having more impact and…less overwhelm.
Start making small changes.
The mistake we often make when trying to beat overwhelm as working women is to make too drastic changes all at once. Instead, start by making small changes to your daily schedule. I know I had to begin small to keep from being panicked at the idea of reducing my to do list. What that meant for me was to try to target the most critical aspects of my work and life first, one day at a time . What does it mean for you? What small changes can you start implementing on a day-to-day basis?
What this meant for me was to re-evaluate my daily routine. I realized there were many commitments that did not have any impact on my productivity or the overall goals I was setting for myself. Realizing this was allowed me to start making small modifications to my schedule, such as waking up earlier, re-evaluating my involvement in certain non-critical projects, and backing out of projects I could not commit to.
Identify what matters to you
The main reason why we get overwhelmed is that we simply try to do too much. We get away from what’s really important to us to try and control everything else. This is why it’s so important to come back to your list of priorities and identify what matters most to you. Is it your family? Is it your work? Even within your family and your work, what aspects are most important to you?
For me, it was coming back to the essentials, such as spending fruitful time with my loved ones, or focusing on work that really mattered to myself and others. It wasn’t until I clearly and unapologetically pinpointed these that I was able to pursue my goals more proactively.
Give yourself grace
Beating overwhelm is not an easy process. You may encounter feelings of guilt, self-doubt and self questioning all along the way. It helps to forgive yourself and allow yourself some grace, patience and understanding through this process.
For me it meant condemning myself less for being overwhelmed and trying to change on a daily basis. It also meant not being overly harsh with myself on days when I still felt under pressure. It also meant being willing to move on from failures, and apply the lessons learnt going forward.
Now your turn: how do you beat overwhelm in your work and life as a working woman?
As busy working moms, it can be challenging to nurture our marriages. Between raising children, breaking ceilings in our careers and businesses, not to mention dealing with the proverbial laundry and house chores (which we still do most of), nurturing your marriage can quickly be relegated to the end of your gigantic to-do list.
Seriously, who wants to plan romantic walks on the beach with your significant other when the kids can’t find underwear, you can’t find a babysitter, and both of you have MAJOR work meetings in the morning? How do you keep the romance (or any conversation) going when you’re checking your work email and planning to finish a report after dinner? And how can you nurture your special bond when you barely have time to have a real conversation?
As a working mom, I’m amazed at how fast time flies between home, work and life in general. Days turn into weeks which turn into months and years. Like many other working moms, I’ve had to stop and ask myself how to concretely make time for my marriage. Not just fit in whatever free minute I could save here and there, even if half-asleep.
While it still is a struggle, there are a few ways to systematically nurture your marriage, in the midst of busy family and work demands:
Take care of YOU first
I remember a date night during which I broke down and admitted that I didn’t want to go on a date. Not because there was any particular issues (other than the usual “whose turn is it to wash the dishes”), but because I was exhausted. As a mom of toddlers at the time, I felt like the whole “getting pretty”/”looking human” pre-date process, along with the effort of keeping my eyelids open during dinner (and dessert), were additional to-do’s on my unending list. I felt bad for feeling this way, considering how hard it was to get babysitters, and guilty for being so crass to the hubby.
Yet, what I came to understand was that I was simply not taking care of myself enough to have anything left for my marriage. You just can’t give what you don’t have. In this case, you cannot give to someone else what you’re not first giving to yourself.
It became obvious to me that part of nurturing my marriage, actually the most important part, was to take care of myself first. It took me a while to figure out what that looks like for me and my particular circumstances. Sometimes, it’s simply reading a book, sitting quietly somewhere, or hanging out with girlfriends. Yet when I started doing it, I also started finding more energy, desire and strength to nurture my marriage. Kinda like the whole exercising to have more energy thing, don’t ask me how it works, but it does…
Be intentional about it
When you have a work deliverable due in the morning, the kids both have fever, and your hair hasn’t been washed in days, it’s hard to be intentional about anything, including marital bliss. After all, it takes work to nurture a relationship, especially a marriage. It requires attention, time, energy, availability, and the capacity to not fall asleep on your spouse sharing their career frustrations or long-term dreams. Yet, it’s necessary.
For me, it’s a matter of setting an intention for my relationship as often as I can, whether through prayer, journaling, or even just in thought. Nothing elaborate either. It’s a simple commitment to try and be more present in our marriages. No false lashes, perfect curls, or flat stomachs required. Just to be there, fully there…
Plan your schedule accordingly
I used to chuckle at couples who would actually plan out their dates and time together. While some room should be left for spontaneity, when you’re juggling the pressure of keeping your job, your sanity, and your kids on track, scheduling becomes a must. Yes, even for dates (or just alone bathroom time)…
And no, planning does not take the romance away. What it does take away is the stress of having to take the kids to a non-kid friendly restaurant as you wobble on your stilettos and body-con dress because it’s probably the only opportunity you’ll have to wear them…
Spend time away from the kids
As a self-proclaimed helicopter parent, I can proudly confirm that time away from the kids is not only necessary. It’s indispensable. There are only so many cartoons, and kiddie conversations one can have. You need adult conversations, and possibly beverages with pretty colors, albeit in moderation.
Here too, scheduling is key. Schedule some alone time, well in advance (as you may have to run a whole campaign to get anyone to agree to keep ALL of your kids for more than two minutes). The point is, give yourself permission to have this time alone to re-connect (or just sleep, in clean hotel sheets someone else will be washing the next day)…
Have honest, raw conversations
Whoever said happy couples don’t argue, please send me the memo I missed. Nurturing your marriage when you have so much to do you’re thankful your head is screwed on right (or you hope) also means being honest about:
Things not working out
Things being too busy
Your or him not exactly being happy at the moment
Your aversion to laundry, etc…
The point is, you can schedule all your dates, find the best babysitters, and jet-set to Phuket kids-free; yet if you’re not willing to face the ordinary, mundane times when even Netflix needs extra TLC, then “Houston we have a serious problem”. And yes, those are going to happen, more often than you think…
Respect your couple’s dynamics
Different couples have different dynamics. Which also means the whole #couplegoals hashtag is absolutely irrelevant. The same couple smiling on camera two minutes ago is probably now swapping choice words around who forgot to put gas in the car (not that I would know). But I digress…
As busy working moms, it’s even more important to understand and respect our own couple dynamics. Some couples are perfect spending the whole day apart and reuniting in the evening to share highlights of the day. Others send each other emoji-filled love notes every hour on the hour. Some have joint bank accounts, others are adamant about each person’s financial independence. Whatever your own couple dynamics is, get it, talk about it and respect it. Oh, and skip the #couplegoals posts on Instagram too…
Let go and start over
If relationships are filled with trial and error, then marriage is a whole obstacle course. When you add to it the ups and downs of careers, businesses, parenting, and uneven landscaping (some of us have different problems), it gets complicated. As a matter of fact, that’s what I tell myself pretty much daily: “It’s complicated…”
Nurturing your marriage as a busy working mom also means starting over, letting go of the mistakes and errors on the way, and doing it all over again. From trying to fit in date night in five years, to picking the right school district, not to mention changing jobs, being out of work, and having the ugliest front yard in the neighborhood, it’s a process. Allow it!
How do you nurture your marriage as a busy working mom?
There is no doubt that becoming a mom is a life-altering event. Your entire existence, from your schedule to your life plans, not to mention your surroundings, changes in the most drastic way. Nothing is ever the same again, in a good way. Not even your career…
I didn’t realize how much my independent life of an ambitious career woman would be thrown upside down before my babies came to the world. As much as I made sure to have the main logistical components covered, from the paint on the nursery to the babywear colors, there was still (and still is) a huge component that was left to chance, although I didn’t quite know it yet. As I sat in the doctor’s office a few weeks before each of my babies made their world entrance, I had specific plans laid out. How I was planning on giving birth, what I would do during my maternity leave, when I would return to work, my schedule after baby, etc….
Needless to say, nothing happened as planned, from emergency surgeries to being late for every doctor’s appointment thereafter. I still smile thinking about how little went according to plan, and how pretty much everything else just happened.
Yet what I wasn’t expecting as much was how motherhood was going to change my career in some of the deepest ways imaginable. It wasn’t until I left my first baby with the babysitter the first time around to head back to work after my maternity leave that the reality of this change started dawning on me. Months and years later, as I re-visited my perspective on work and what it meant to me, I could really grasp how much becoming a working mom had altered what work meant for me, mostly in these seven ways:
I started asking myself about the purpose of my work
After becoming a mom, and contemplating the smallness of pretty much everything around as compared to the miracle of carrying and nurturing life, I started thinking about Purpose more and more. One morning, Dear Daughter asked me: “Mommy, why do you go to work?” I stopped in my (already late) tracks, foundation brush in hand, wet wipe in the other, contemplating if I should answer and lose my job due to excessive lateness.
After this morning interlude, one question that kept popping in the back of my mind was: “Why do we get up every single day to do what we do?” Yes, bills have to get paid, and one must work in life. Yet, there has to be more to life and work than simply checking the career box and making money. As we raise children who look at what we do more than they listen to what we say, how important is it to us that what we do inspires them in a good way when we’re not even sure why we do it?
For months afterwards, my answer was something along the lines of “To take care of you and the house.” Yet her reply was always: “But why?” It prompted me to think about why I was doing what I was doing, besides paying the bills. Which is how this small question also prompted me, without me even knowing, to change my career path to writing and teaching, because that is my purpose.
It became important to teach my children about the meaning of work
Work occupies such an important part of our lives. From an early age on, I saw my mother work hard as a single mom, in and outside of the home. It was important to me to follow her example and build a successful career as well.
Yet, after having children, as they asked about the work we did as parents, it became important to share this part of ourselves with them. Growing up in conservative Senegal, West Africa, my parents never really told us much about work. It was just something you were supposed to do, along with taking daily showers and cleaning up after yourself. I didn’t really understand it, or questioned it, until I started working myself and the unanswered questions turned into personal and professional dilemmas.
As a parent, I make it a point to open the lines of communication with my children as a way to bond and share more with them. When it came to the question of work and career, interestingly enough, I didn’t know what to tell them. This is where I started re-evaluating my own understanding of my career and what it really meant for me. Only by understanding it better myself, could I share this meaning with them. It also forced me to make changes to the way I viewed my work, and the direction of my career path.
Being fulfilled became more important than making money
Growing up in a single-parent family, it’s always been important for me to have financial security. While my mom was a hard worker and we never lacked of anything, I understood earlier on that the line between having and not having can be really thin. I made it a priority to always be financially secure as a woman, which directed me towards a career in finance and accounting. Making money and achieving financial freedom as I started my career was more important than getting married or even starting a family.
Fast-forward a few years, and motherhood managed to turn my priorities upside down. While financial security is still important to me, fulfillment takes a front seat. It became obvious that lack of fulfillment in my work would negatively impact me as an individual and a mom. That’s when being fulfilled and joyful in my work beat any amount of zeros on that bi-weekly paycheck…
I had permission to chase my dreams
As I speak to many moms around me, it seemed as if motherhood is the signal to stop living for ourselves. Somehow, after becoming moms, it seems we ought to give up on our individuality and stop chasing our dreams to dedicate ourselves entirely to the task of raising our children. I was tempted to buy into it as well….
Until I remembered that you cannot give what you don’t have. How could I as a mom, give my kids the hope, joy, ambition and anticipation of going after their dreams if I abdicated mine? How would I explain to them someday that I didn’t live the life I wanted to because of them? Way to make them feel falsely indebted as opposed to joyfully equipped….
Interestingly enough, it wasn’t until I had children that I gave myself full permission to chase my dreams. Not just because I owed it to myself (because we do), but also because I owe it to them to at least try…
The goal is more freedom
The first time I dropped off my baby at the babysitter’s to head to work post-maternity leave, one word popped into my mind: “Freedom”. In that case, the lack thereof. Like so many moms out there, I didn’t exactly have a choice. While many of us can now negotiate phased-in returns from maternity leaves and even work for home longer, most of us are not in a position to choose.
That’s when the pursuit of time and space freedom became a priority for me. Flexibility was now so much more important, and had to become a major part of any career I would be in. The goal became to create more freedom in my work, not just money or advancement.
Being the best version of myself became crucial
I’ve secretly already planned Dear Daughter and Dear Son’s wedding, locale, outfits and all. Ok, I may be over-exaggerating, or maybe not. The point is, becoming a mother also made me gasp at the thought of missing my babies’ milestones. For someone who only got gym memberships because the exercise outfits were cute, and would rather go for a root canal than doing a set of abs, becoming the healthiest and most present version of myself was scary at first.
Even more than exercising and breaking up with bread and cheese, it also meant doing my best and most fulfilling work. Which also translated into letting go of so much professional stress, re-directing my work in a way that allowed me to be present, healthy, grateful and, ultimately, happy!
Leaving a legacy is key
One of my favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 13:22 “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children.” As moms, and parents in general, most of us work to leave a legacy to our families, whether in monetary form, examples or memories.
Considering how much work occupies our existences, it forces us to think about the legacy we’re leaving our kids when it comes to our careers. What are we teaching them about work? What are not teaching them that we should? How are we impacting the important work they will be doing? It certainly pushed me to consider what I was leaving my babies to ponder upon when it came to work and careers, of which the most important: “To do work with purpose on purpose, and lead by serving.”
