Being a woman of faith at work can come with its sets of blessings, but also its fair share of challenges. If you’re one, you may already know this, and know it all too well. Many workplaces are not observant of faith-related practices, and may also be unfortunately dealing with religious prejudice in different forms. This is in addition to being subjected to the scrutiny and negative opinions of co-workers and managers who may not fully understand the commitments and realities that come with your faith. This is even more complex with the intersectionality of gender, religion, and sometimes race as well.
As a Christian working woman, it’s been important for me to understand how I could thrive in my faith in all areas of my life, including in my work. From my own experiences and chatting with other women of faith, I’ve learnt three (3) particularly powerful tips for women of faith to thrive in the workplace, not in spite of, but with the fullness of their faith:
Understand that others may not understand your faith
Faith is very much a personal matter, although it affects all the external areas of one’s life. It’s also a part of one’s life that others may not adhere to, understand or wish to have anything to do with. As such, it’s crucial to make peace with the fact that others around you in the workplace, from your co-workers to your managers, may not be familiar with this part of your experience.
Not only will this save you a lot of heartache when faced at times with any form of insensitivity or push-back, but it will also help you extend grace to others. This is certainly not an excuse for callous behavior on the part of anyone, but an invitation to consider the many reasons, from backgrounds to education, why those you share an office space with think differently than you do when it comes to faith.
Speak up as to your faith-related needs
In the same token, it’s also important for you to voice your needs as related to your faith. I have a Muslim friend who makes sure to build into her calendar religious holidays and ask for those days off well in advance. While Christian holidays may be recognized in the common calendar, other religious holidays may not be, hence the need to speak up and express your needs. As a woman of faith, you may also need added flexibility to attend faith-cased events or to prepare for holidays and events.
The point is, honoring your faith at work is also a matter of not repressing your needs and commitments, while still keeping on excelling in your work. You don’t have to struggle unnecessarily or silence yourself, when a simple conversation may afford you the time and flexibility you may need.
Use your faith as a bridge, not a wall
Faith of all kinds and forms should serve as a bridge to bring people together, rather than a wall to separate individuals. Many, if not most faiths, have in common a foundation of love and acceptance of others. As a woman of faith in the workplace, standing on this foundation is the most powerful way to thrive and help others thrive as well. Whether through inclusive and accepting teamwork, or by treating your co-workers and managers with grace, displaying the inclusive foundation of your faith can go a long way.
Use it also as an opportunity to educate those around you who may not know about your faith. I would rather someone ask questions than incorrectly assume anything about myself or my faith. This is a wonderful opportunity to create more understanding and better communication in and outside of the workplace. And isn’t it the goal after all?
And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)
Do all your work in love. (1 Corinthians 16:14)
Foster diversity and inclusiveness for others
Respecting differences in faith in the workplace is part of fostering diversity and inclusiveness for everyone. Your experience as a woman of faith at work can help improve the experiences of other women like yourself. This can be done by starting a conversation around it, expressing yours and others’ similar needs, or suggesting educational opportunities around this. You are never too powerless to change your environment.
The more we all know about religious diversity, the more we’re able to create and nurture an inclusive environment for all. This may very start with you…
Are you a woman of faith in the workplace? How have you been thriving in your faith at work?
Do you find yourself mentally computing your next grocery bill while catching a couple of words out of your conversation with the kids? Are you having a hard time being present because there are so many things competing for your mental space all at once? Are you able to both yell at the kids from the other end of the playgroundwhile holding a strained conversation with your girlfriend ?As a working mom, you may be all too familiar with thinking about a gazillion things at once, while feeling like your head may be on the brink of extra-terrestrial explosion.
Last summer, my sister told me something that has been sticking with me ever since. As I was huffing and puffing over two loads of laundry and a sink full of dishes, she calmly said: “You know, it’s not so much the physical work, but the mental load we carry that’s exhausting us as working moms…”I’ve had the opportunity to think about since then, so much so that I have taken as a habit to ask myself how much of a mental load I’m really carrying day in and day out. I used to think that it all boiled down to a productive schedule, with a detailed to-do list to boot and some productivity quotes here and there. What I realized is that it’s the mental load made up of the heavy compounding of our personal and professional lives that ends up getting to us working moms most of the time…
Having to carry so many thoughts and plans in our minds, from the kids’ matching socks to cross-country practice, not to mention the research project due at work, can be borderline debilitating. Yet, once you realize that it’s the mental aspect of it all that is really costing you more than anything else, it becomes easier to target the problem. So does realizing that doing more doesn’t exactly solve the problem. Rather it perpetuates it…
For me, it’s become a matter of taking the counter-intuitive approach of slowing down instead of speeding up, and eliminating rather than adding. I’m taking Coco Chanel’s mantra to take at least one thing off before leaving the house to a whole other mental level. It also means:
Having a strict mental hygiene
A while back, I started meditating to see if I could put my mind on pause for a few minutes. Fast-forward a couple of years, it’s become an inherent part of my mental hygiene as a working mom. These are the far and few in between minutes that I get early in the morning or late at night, when I’m not interrupted and can literally breathe for a bit. More than a calming exercise, it’s an entire re-wiring of our brains to support increased mental and physical capacity.
As essential as meditation, therapy, both formal and informal, has also become a cornerstone of my mental hygiene. If you take care of your body, why wouldn’t you care for your mind as well? While there are still a lot of unfounded cultural taboos around therapy, it certainly is a necessity for busy, sometimes over-stretched working moms.
Avoiding multi-tasking
It’s been said that women are good at multi-tasking. What has not been talked about so much are the negative side-effects of this damaging practice. As a recovering multi-tasker, I know all too well the lack of focus, the difficulty of not being fully present, along with the accompanying exhaustion, that are the hallmarks of multi-tasking.
It’s been a process to re-program myself not to multi-task, and I still struggle with it. However, even a little bit of progress in the opposite direction helps. Focusing on one task at a time offers you the gift of focus, clarity, and presence, while being able to enjoy what you’re actually doing. In terms of productivity, you actually get more done, a bit at a time, than altogether.
Clearing out ALL the clutter
Nature abhors a vacuum, and many times as working moms, we strive to fill every bit of our mental space with responsibilities, activities and relationships. We may also fill our physical space with LOTS of things, creating a sense of clutter that leaves us at times powerless and frustrated.
Part of releasing some of our mental load is also letting go of clutter. Whether it’s getting your Marie Kondo on, cutting off toxic relationships, mindsets and behaviors, or just re-framing your schedule and hiring some help, releasing the clutter will leave you freer, happier and all around better.
How can you choose to lessen your mental load as a working mom?
For working women and working moms, flexibility can be both a gift and a curse. Being able to actually have a choice in how you schedule your work can allow you to fit in other competing priorities. You may be able to take the kids to the doctor in the middle of the day, while completing your work on the go for instance. You may be able to work later in the day while you run important errands in the earlier part of the day. Yet, what we often don’t see is that there are traps to having a flexible schedule.
While switching careers from the corporate world to academia afforded me more flexibility in the beginning, it also exposed me to the need to better manage my schedule. It was tempting to do more in the same time space, instead of intentionally scheduling my time in an effective way. There are certainly multiple upsides to having a flexible schedule. However, there are also traps that as working women and moms, we should be aware of:
Thinking you have more time than you actually do
It’s tempting to add the grocery run, the kids’ appointments and a last-minute errand to your schedule when you can manage it at your discretion. Yet, what it often leads to is overestimating your availability and inflating your schedule unnecessarily.
If you’re like myself and you tend to have a love-hate relationship with procrastination, this can spell doom over your time management. Flexibility or not, you still have the same 24 hours to accomplish your goals and objectives.
Adding too much to your to-do list
When I realized added flexibility was actually not increasing my effectiveness, I started taking another look at my schedule. That’s when it occurred to me that I had been gradually adding an overwhelming amount of tasks to my to-do lists, thus stretching myself way too thin.
While added flexibility should help you fit in a few more important tasks to your schedule, it shouldn’t take you to the brink of exhaustion. If you notice yourself packing more into your day and being exhausted or resentful, maybe you should re-visit how you’re using your flexibility.
Not prioritizing self-care
For many working moms,self-care tends to come last. The upside of a flexible schedule is the ability to add in more “me time”. If your flexible schedule is not allowing you to have a healthy amount of self-care, then something is fundamentally wrong.
Increased flexibility should allow you to have a more integrated work-life relationship. An important part of it is to care for yourself.
All in all, flexibility is a big advantage for working women and working moms. However, learning to avoid the pitfalls of a flexible schedule is key to better time management.
This is a question that is so often asked of kids that it has almost become routine. As adults, we may barely listen to our own kids’ heartfelt answers, attributing some of their most random answers to their (cute) lack of maturity. Eventually, they’ll know better, get a good job and become productive members of society, at least we hope so….
I remember being one such kid, beaming every time someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
“A writer, I want to be a writer”, I would timidly blurt out, chewing on the last syllables because it all sounded so big, so…unrealistic. When you were born and raised in West Africa in my days, writing didn’t exactly make it to the list of the most attractive careers. Now if your answer to this fateful question was “engineer”, “doctor”, or something along the lines of scientific genius, you’d be set to receive a vibrant nod of approval, more directed at your parents for their extraordinary feat at raising such an ambitious child. Although I was but a child, I could already notice the difference. It was this difference in treatment, among other factors, that I was reminded of when picking my college major and later my first career. It was as if I still needed the approving nods, decades later, until I didn’t…
When I had my own kids and the same question invariably made it to my lips, I was reminded of my own experience. While I’ve had the opportunity to turn this experience into the most exciting of journeys, many have not. This is why this time around, decades later, I stopped and actually listened to the small voices telling me of their dreams and aspirations, and saved my approving nods for the next Target sale. Right then and there, I realized that these moments when my children would look into my eyes for that glance of approval or that spark of joy, could define their entire lives, in a good or in a terribly negative way.
What I also realized through my own journey into purpose is that we do our best work answering the call placed in us since the beginning of times. Which also means that our children already know, even in their own imperfect terms and ways, what they are meant to be and do. It manifests in the most basic of their interests, tastes and preferences. It’s in the way they choose certain games over others, in the spark in their eyes as they assemble Legos or kick a soccer ball, in their pristine laughter as they create things from nothing. I was writing and telling stories before I knew what stories were. I was excelling at learning and teaching my dolls complex topics before I realized what I was doing. I always knew, even when I didn’t know I did.
As a working mom, one of my most important missions is to usher my children into their own purpose, and in the process, get out of the way. If you’re a parent and you’ve struggled at finding your own purpose, are still looking for it, or are blissfully living in it, it’s also yours. As I’ve found out through the innocent yet powerful lessons from my own children, is that it’s not quite as complex as we may think. As a matter of fact, it may just be a matter of doing these simple yet defining things, over and over again:
Listen and observe
I often tell my students in college that I learn more from them than they will ever learn from me. I feel the same about my children, although it’s taken me a while to realize it. Raised in a tradition where kids are seen and not heard, it’s been a process for me to deprogram my mind as a parent. Learning to listen and observe my kids instead of telling them what to do is still a process, yet one that I strongly believe in and apply to the best of my ability.
If you allow them, your children will show you who they are, and what they came forth to do on this Earth. It takes listening to their innocent words, and watching them as they evolve and choose their paths. The end result, however, is amazing as you learn to simply let them be who they are, which is the best gift you could ever give them.
Offer possibilities
Through my own personal and professional journey across industries and careers, from the office to academia, I’ve come to learn that everything is Possibility. This is also what I strive to convey to my children, students and anyone willing to receive it.
As a working mom, it’s important for me to offer the gift of Possibility to my children. For me, it means allowing them to experiment, try and fail. Whether it’s a new activity, musical instrument, sports, or simply visiting a new place or doing something different, possibilities are endless.
Create space
One thing I realized as a working mom is that I needed to create space for my kids to be themselves. This may be physical space for them to breathe and evolve as independent individuals, or mental and intellectual space to see, explain and understand things differently.
Raising my children in America as an African and now American woman is at times challenging. Many of the core beliefs I came up with are being challenged, sometimes quite irreversably. My own children have a totally different reality than the one I grew up in. However, although I don’t have all the answers, I’m willing to create the space for them to create their own.
Time is a precious commodity, especially as a working mom. You can make more money, meet more people, buy more shoes…Yet, one thing you cannot buy more of, is time. One of the biggest complaints and regrets I hear from fellow working moms is around lack of time. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all, from caring for our families to handling our work responsibilities.
I felt this tightness in the time we’re allotted as working moms from the moment I gave birth. With the joy of motherhood, comes this guilt-filled sense that time is no longer ours. It’s the beginning of a seemingly unending power struggle with to-do lists, deadlines, appointments and other commitments, often culminating with various levels of chocolate-fueled frustration. When the pressure to excel in our careers adds its heavy weight to our already full calendars, it can wreak havoc with our entire sense of self. After all, women still handle the lion share of household chores, while graduating in record number from college and breaking all kinds of glass ceilings and concrete walls.
“I feel like all I I do is work, work, work (hellow Rihanna). I work at home and work at work!”
“I don’t even know what I look like anymore. I’m so tired all the time.”
“Where did the time go?”
The above are just a few of the reflections, at times wine-fueled, I’ve heard from fellow working moms, myself included. While Auntie Maxine is busy reclaiming her time, many, if not most of us, are still looking for where our own went.
After years of simmering frustration and self-blame at what I thought was my own lack of planning, I decided to reclaim myself. And the only place I found to fit this campaign back to my own sanity and fulfillment was early mornings, before anyone could lay claim to this precious time of mine. While I understand that not all of us are morning people, I also believe that in the game of give-and-take of working motherhood, some things have to give so we can take others back. For me, it meant letting go of my favorite late-night Netflix binges and investing in the luxury of extra time in the morning. In the perfect imperfection of my everyday life, it looked something like this:
Changing my mindset from sacrificial exhaustion to personal self-care
The cult of sacrificial exhaustion, exemplified by maternal gigantic under-eye circles and perennial coffee runs, never quite did it for me. While I still have ways to go to curb my caffeine addiction, I’ve long switched my working mom tune to the soothing sounds of personal self-care. After realizing on the way to the pediatrician that I forgot my child (also said patient at said appointment), I relinquished all claims to the title of “Most Exhausted Mother”. While this may cut some of my mommy groups’ conversations, it may contribute to lowering both my cholesterol and insurance premiums.
What this also translated into for me was to release my need to do (and prove) so much, and instead make healthier (read: more boring) decisions. Which involved adopting my mother’s ultra-early bed-time, at the very real risk of looking (and sounding) ultra un-cool. The upside? A full night’s sleep, less under-eye circles, and at least an hour to freely roam alone in the corners of my own home…Priceless!
Choosing quiet time over busy time
When I started reclaiming my early mornings, the first, very real, temptation was to use this time to add more to-do’s to my already crowded list. Maybe I could fit in an additional load of laundry, wash the dishes, or fold the clothes that have been adorning the guest room for weeks…The result? More work , less play…
Instead, I chose to follow the advice of a very astute working friend of mine: choosing quiet time over busy time. For me, it is meditation and prayer, or simply enjoying my cup of coffee while silencing the loud voices in my head reminding me that the electric bill is due. For you, it may be sitting on the porch, talking a walk, or journaling. Whatever it is, I believe it’s worth offering ourselves the gift of self every day.
Doing more of what I love
Last but not least, reclaiming my mornings is also about making sacred space for doing more of what I love. It means sitting at my old and faithful laptop and cracking out a blog post, or writing a book chapter. It’s also reading even for ten minutes, or going to the gym and buying myself an hour of thought-free, sweat-filled grace.
For a dear friend of mine, mornings are her space to dive into her artistic hobbies. Whatever it may be for you, it’s a sacred space to return to yourself before the world starts asking more of you, again.
Are you reclaiming your mornings as sacred as a working mom?
40 is not the new 30, 40 is the new 40. For some women like Kourtney Kardashian, feeling anxious about turning the big 4-0 is par for the course ( see video excerpt below). For others, it’s a good thing, at least according to Tracee Ellis Ross, who unapologetically claims that not only did her career blossom at 40, she also feels in her prime at now nearly 50. For all the women who fear, negatively anticipate or flat-out dread this mid-life milestone, Ross’s testimony sends a glimmer of hope in an otherwise darker age-conscious society.
I remember hearing all about turning 40 and how it changes everything. There is more of a fear of turning 40 than there ever was about turning 30 or 20. At 30 or 20, you still have a foot, a curl, or a toe, into youth. Yet, upon turning 40, there is no doubt about the fact that you’re officially stepping into adulthood. My closest friends and I would joke about turning 40 as much, or actually more, than we did about the year 2000 becoming reality. When our turn started looming on the horizon, we held on to 39 for dear life. Yet, what we didn’t realize then, was that 40 is a magnificent age, one to look forward to more than it is to fear.
However, despite the apparent downsides of aging for women, reaching certain birthday milestones is one of the most beautiful blessings life can afford us. As such, they should be celebrated, and the lessons learnt along the way acknowledged and shared. In honor of this, here are 40 lessons on turning 40 as a working woman:
It all starts with you!
One of the most important lessons as you age is that everything starts with you, from your interactions to the daily choices you make. This is exactly why working on yourself is the single most important thing you can do for you and everyone else around you.
Mindset is everything!
I wish I realized earlier how crucial mindset is to our lives. Once you realize your thoughts create your reality, you also understand how important it is to create as positive and fruitful a mindset as you can. Quiet time, meditation, prayer and self-care become a daily necessity rather than an occasional indulgence.
It was never about the money, but about the purpose!
While purpose may seem to be a very trendy concept these days, it reveals itself as one of our most important life foundations. Without purpose, we cannot flourish, grow or develop to our optimal level. Discovering and living our purpose beats any amount of money or level of fame we may reach.
You can have it all, on purpose!
Speaking of purpose, you can really have it all, according to your unique purpose in life. Being aligned with the purpose that is ultimately yours allows you to expand into the fullest, best version of yourself; which also means that whatever your “all” or the fullness of your potential is, is always accessible for you, on purpose.
Enjoy the journey, not just the destination
According to society, you should have such and such milestones achieved by the time you turn 20, 30, and so on. There seems to be a never-ending list of to-do’s, year by year, decade by decade. However, as time goes by, you start realizing that it’s really more about the journey than the destination. The point is to enjoy the path.
Self-care is never optional
You can’t pour from an empty cup, which is why self-care is never optional. Whether it’s some time to yourself, reading a book, or getting a pedicure, you must invest in your self-care.
You can always change your mind
It’s never too late to change your mind, go on a different path or do something differently. You can always change your mind and build the life you’ve always wanted, whether it means starting a new career, exiting fruitless relationships, or moving out of town.
Failure is opportunity
Failure is an opportunity to learn and move forward, not a death sentence. You can’t learn and grow unless you’re making mistakes. Growth is imperfectly perfect.
Life works out for you
If you’ve made it to this point, it’s proof that life is working out for you. Even the least desirable of circumstances always carry a lesson to your benefit. Keep your mind on that!
No one is responsible for your happiness.
No one is responsible for your happiness. Not your parents, not your spouse, not your colleagues, and certainly not your boss. You are. This one single realization can change how you perceive just about everything in life. So go on and be happy!
You are the CEO of your life
There comes a time when you realize you are in charge of your life and your circumstances. It also means you can decide the kind of relationships you’d like to engage in and those you’d rather exit, without any guilt.
Stop low-balling yourself
You may have underestimated yourself before, failed to negotiate what you were really worth, or settled for way less than you deserved, at work and in life. This is a reminder that it’s time to stop low-balling yourself and start asking for what you know you deserve.
Be open to change
Change, good, positive, fulfilling change is good. It’s the difference between quiet, lethal complacency and a life that makes you jump out of bed in the morning. Pick the latter.
Believe the best in others
Too much energy is spent on negative relationships and interactions, in and outside of work. Instead, choose to believe the best in others. You will do yourself a favor.
Be ok with releasing people and places that are no longer for you
Letting go can be a blessing. Know when it’s time to release people and places you’ve outgrown, from that toxic job to that oppressive neighborhood.
Gratitude is the new rich
Nothing calls in more abundance than a deep, authentic sense of gratitude. Practice appreciating who you are, what you have and where you are, on the way to where you’re going. It will do wonders for you.
Define success on your own terms
Society has defined success for women in many ways, most of which were inadequate and unfulfilling. Be willing to define your own brand of success, whether it’s raising a happy family, building a prosperous business, or climbing the corporate ladder.
Ask for what you want
The worst thing anyone can say to you is no. So go ahead and ask for what you want, all of it!
It’s ok to evolve
“You’ve changed!”. You’ll hear this a lot as you grow and evolve. Keep evolving anyways!
Favor experiences over money
Financial security is certainly necessary. However, experiences that change your life make you appreciate the world in a way that money never could.
Nurture your relationships
You cannot make it alone. Relationships are an integral part of life and success, however you may define success. Take time to nurture those relationships that matter to you the most. In the end, they will count more than prestige or economic prosperity.
NO is a full sentence
Being your best self will require you to say no more often than you say yes. You don’t have to justify yourself either. Simply saying no should be enough.
Be ok with spending time alone
Being comfortable with your own company is the greatest gift you can offer yourself. As time passes, I come to understand more and more that the most important relationship I will ever have, after God, is with myself.
You are enough: Value yourself
If you don’t value yourself, no one else will. Embrace all that you are, and value who you are and what you bring to the table. It’s how you teach others to treat you.
Follow your instincts
Your instincts are a gift. They can tell you what no other person, report, or statistic can. Trust them.
Never stop learning
Learning is not only the secret to constant growth and evolution. It’s also one of the best tricks to staying young in spirit and mind, and continue growing into the best version of yourself.
Do less but do it better
You don’t have to fill your schedule with a gazillion to-do’s. Instead, learning to focus on what really matters, what brings you joy and fulfillment, helps you do less, but do it so much better!
Build a career you love
You will spend much, if not most of your life, at work. Build a career you love so you don’t have to run from it on Friday!
When you learn, teach
Keep the door of opportunity open for others by giving back through teaching, whether formally or informally. Serve as a mentor, use your resources to help someone else, be an inspiration. When you learn, teach!
Offer opportunity to others
Along with teaching others, offer opportunities to grow and develop to others, whether formally or informally. Create a business and jobs, promote career advancement, and ultimately, expand yourself so you can help others expand.
Forget nice, be kind instead
Being nice is seeking to please through action or words, at the cost of falling out of alignment with yourself. Instead, be kind, speak your truth in love, and remain authentic to who you are, even if it feels lonely at times.
Treat yourself the way you would like others to treat you
If you would like others to treat you a certain way, check in with yourself that you’re also treating yourself with the same consideration and kindness you expect.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
If it’s not going to matter in the next five minutes, days, weeks or years, don’t sweat it! Learning to let go o is one of the most precious tools you will ever have to live your best life.
Faith it
Don’t just face it, but faith it! Believe that whatever happens, you will always come out better in the end. And you will…
Remember where you came from
It’s one thing to know where you want to go in life, it’s another to remember where you came from. This is not just about the place you came from, but everything you bring to the table in terms of experiences, skills, and lessons. You are the expert of your own experience!
Forgive yourself
Be willing to forgive yourself for any perceived failures or mistakes. Once you understand that there are really no mistakes, that everything is meant to put you on the right path for you, it gets easier to be less harsh on yourself. You’re doing the best you can!
Forgive others
Along with forgiving yourself, forgive others as well. Unforgiveness is too heavy a burden to carry, so let it go!
Be present
Give yourself the gift of being fully present in whatever circumstance you may be in, and experience the fullness of your life. Put the phone down, drop the to-do list, and enjoy every moment!
The goal is freedom
The goal is to create a life of freedom and fulfillment. At the end of the day, is what you’re spending your time on creating more or less freedom and joy? Now that is the real question…
Celebrate!
Don’t forget to celebrate yourself and others. We’re all doing the best we can with what we have at our disposal, so enjoy the process!
Whether at work or in life, you’re bound to meet at least one person who doesn’t value you. This may be a co-worker who steps all over your toes in meeting, or a boss who discredits you in public with zero mercy. It may also be the so-called “friend” who puts their needs and time above yours, or the family member who subtly puts you down every chance they get. Whatever the case is, you may have that one person with whom every interaction leaves you feeling “less than”.
I used to wonder about this, in and outside of the workplace, especially as an introvert with a “too nice” tendency. I also realized that many, if not most, women (and men) face this day in and day out. Many feel that they must put up with it, whether due to the pressure of a paycheck, low self-esteem, or any other way they may rationalize it. Yet, at the end of the day, it becomes necessary to learn to address these situations as productively and authentically as possible:
Recognize that it starts with you
One major realization I’ve made is that you only attract what and who you are. Relationships really act as a mirror to reflect back your personal beliefs and attitudes to you. The upside of this is that each relationship, whether positive or not, is a gift, especially so with negative relationships. Those are the ones that really show you the areas in your life that need to be worked on. If you’re in need to assert yourself and build up your self-esteem, you will attract the exact people that will rub you the wrong way so as to push you to develop your own sense of self-esteem. If you need more compassion in your life, you’ll attract those who will show you exactly that.
Recognize that it all starts with you, and ask yourself what beliefs and attitudes in you are attracting or reinforcing the behavior of people who don’t value you. If you don’t value yourself, chances are others won’t value you. If you’re showing little regard for your own priorities, time and well-being, why would others do otherwise? After all, you teach people how to treat you.
Work on your mindset
Once that you recognize that it all starts with you, be willing to work on your mindset. Identify those core beliefs about yourself that may be in the way of your self-worth. Most of these beliefs may come from childhood, from the way a well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) adult treated or spoke to you. They may come from earlier experiences, or from the stories you may be telling yourself about yourself.
Working on your mindset means pinpointing these beliefs, understanding where they come from, and learning to reverse them. This is why affirmations are so powerful at reversing some of the beliefs we may have acquired early on in life. Journaling is a great way to unearth these, and reverse them with opposite affirmations.
Set clear boundaries
While it all starts with you, there’s also a part of dealing with people who don’t value you that consists in setting clear boundaries. You never have to accept anyone treating you “less than”. It’s ok to say no, and express the fact that you will not deal a certain type of behavior.
Master the art of saying no and not tolerating being under-valued. It’s ok to cancel an appointment, not go some place you won’t feel comfortable in, and confront someone who trespassed the limits of respect and courtesy.
Be willing to walk away
Last but not least, be willing to walk away and release yourself from situations, places and people who threaten your sense of self-respect and self-worth. This may mean leaving oppressive jobs and professional environments, exiting low-frequency relationships, or drastically changing your life altogether.
Too often, the fear of change, loneliness or not conforming to society’s expectations keeps us way too long in undesirable places that wreck our sense of who we are. The alternative is simply to gracefully and peacefully remind ourselves that we are worth the love and value we give others, and create lives we’re excited, not forced, to live.
