As we navigate the Coronavirus crisis quarantined at home, many working moms are under extraordinary pressure to handle multiple priorities at once, including childcare, elderly care, remote work and household chores, in addition to keeping a level head and maintaining some sense of sanity. While many parents are working from home, the burden of care and household chores still traditionally remains on working moms, who also have to add to it the pressure (and obligation) of working remotely.
For many, if not most working mothers, it means rearranging their schedules to rise even earlier than usual to work, or staying up late to catch up on unfinished business. It also means homeschooling the at least 32.5 million students from kindergarten through 12thgrade, who may be reticent to studying at home, and having the patience to deal with the inevitable meltdowns and tantrums that may come with it. Add to it the piling up of dishes, laundry and household cleaning due to the majority of the family being home at the same time, and overwhelm, frustration and even resentment, may set in. This is without even considering the impact of the anxiety, worry and despair plaguing most of us as we painfully learn to live in a reality that is closer to science-fiction than anything we could have ever imagined…
What this also translates into for working mothers, are inescapable health-related mental costs, as the number of hours spent working inside the home on careers and businesses, in addition to childcare and household-related duties, increases, along with stress and anxiety levels. For working moms who do not have the benefit of salaried employment, are seasonal workers, or small business owners, the economic costs are outrageously high, as many, if not most, come to terms with not being able to put food in the table in a matter of days or weeks. Many working moms, single moms in particular, who relied on schools to provide meals to their children, or moms whose children need regular, expensive medication, are now facing dire economic circumstances.
As a working mom myself, I was shocked by the sheer amount of work, both childcare and household-related, in addition to adapting to working remotely in the midst of chaos and homeschooling, I now had to face. As my spouse had to go to work, this also meant dealing with the new situation alone at home. While I’m certainly counting my blessings, I also realized there are millions of working women faced with the same, if not worse, situation.
I can only imagine what the moms who work part-time performing essential duties that cannot be performed remotely, are going through. Women working part-time represent 2/3 of the population of part-time workers, as reported by the National Women’s Law Center, and are paid less in addition to having less access to benefits. Not to mention the working moms in the healthcare industry, or in other emergency fields like firefighters and public servants, who do not even have the privilege to stay home.
While this depicts a pretty dreary picture during this already depressing coronavirus crisis, it also reminds us of the importance of building plans and infrastructures that preserve working mothers in the regular course of business and life. The House passed a preliminary aid package including a provision to provide mothers and pregnant women out of a job with food.
While there should be contingency plans in place to protect everyone, working moms, most of whom in charge of caring for children and elderly, especially in the case of single moms and in many families represent financial, emotional and spiritual pillars, should not be forgotten.
Here are some ways to help working moms during the coronavirus crisis:
Bosses, please be more understanding!
Working from home with kids is HARD. This is why it’s so important that working moms and their managers have honest conversations about work expectations during this time. This is largely uncharted territory, hence the importance of having flexible yet clear expectations, and being able to adapt to change.
Use technology to help out
With the quarantine restrictions, it may mean children are expected to have more screen time than usual, with homework and activities being completed online. This also means that some working moms may have to get a computer, or not have enough computers for all their children. If you have a spare computer, consider helping out by sharing with less fortunate families.
Some companies have already started offering Internet streaming services for free, which will be a huge relief for families. Other ways to help include using technology to hold virtual play dates, or send tips and tricks to help working moms via text, email, or on social media.
Parenting partners, please get on the same page!
In regular times, sharing responsibilities as parenting partners is challenging, with most of the childcare and household duties falling on working moms’ shoulders. If you’re a parenting partner to a working mom, it may mean considering adjusting your schedule to accommodate school closures, work disruptions, layoffs, and other disruptions bound to happen during this time.
It also may mean opening the lines of communication with your partner to understand what they’re going through, and how best to help, whether it’s operating in shifts, come up with creative alternatives, or just lending a compassionate ear.
Just check in and ask how they’re doing
Sometimes, all someone needs is a smile and a word of encouragement. Many working moms are struggling to keep mentally healthy, in addition to their other preoccupations and worries. Just be kind!
Offer assistance if you can
Can you spare a roll of toilet paper, some extra money, or just resources on funding (state or federal) and (trustworthy) information you can share? Your contribution can make the difference in someone’s day, so if you find yourself in a situation where you can help, consider doing so.
Overall, working moms are some of the hardest hit through the coronavirus case, economically, physically, and mentally. They also are the pillars of many, if not most families, who may not able to survive without them. As such, the burden to help and assist working mothers is on all of us, and the responsibility to help our common duty.
As a working mom, what challenges are you facing during the coronavirus crisis?
“You’re my person”: When Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh) uttered the now famously coined phrase to her best friend Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) as she shares her decision to put her name down as an emergency contact for her upcoming abortion, it took on a life of its own, embodying our primal human need for deep, healthy, fulfilling friendships. From Sex and the City to Issa Rae’s Awkward Black Girl, stories of female friendships and girl squads have graced our TV screens and subconscious for decades, confirming that as working women and working moms, our friendships play an important role in our lives. However successful we may be professionally, or even family-wise, friendships with other women hold a sacred place. For many, if not most of us, they are a reminder of our original relationship with our mothers, aunts, sisters and other female pillars of our lives, as well as a reflection of our own self-love. This can make the dynamics of our relationships with our sister friends beautifully complex, uniquely fulfilling, and sometimes, downright frustrating.
However, in the modern era of social media, lacking inter-personal connection, and negative media messages around female friendships, it can be challenging to reap these benefits if, and when, we do not foster and nurture healthy relationships with other women. Healthy relationships based on trust, openness, vulnerability, rather than fear, distrust, and anger. It’s the same fear, distrust and anger that end up being translated into gossip, “mean women”, Queen Bee Syndrome, and exclusion, to cite a few.
In my own relationships, I’ve had the privilege to experience the beautiful openness, trust, and vulnerability that makes female friendships a unique bond, and also the heart-wrenching fear, betrayal, and distrust that rob us of the empowering impact of these connections. I’ve learnt, and am still learning (and probably always will) from my positive and negative experiences, as well as my mistakes and mishaps, and growing into a better understanding of the sacred bond between women:
Friendship is a process:
In the era of instant messages and micro-waved networking, we can be tempted to jump in and out of friendships, without the realization it is a marathon, not a race. It’s a process that requires this one thing we cannot microwave: time. It takes time to know someone, see them act in different contexts, build a history with them. It takes time to face and surmount obstacles, enjoy moments together, and deepen bonds. Without it being a process, a friendship can hardly survive, let alone flourish.
A fruitful friendship is a friendship that evolves as both individuals involved evolve as well.
This is where so many friendships reach an impasse, especially among women, as we often tend to not voice our concerns in relationships. I often hear some people say: “I hope you never change” to their friends, which tends to make me shudder every single time. Not expecting those around us, especially our friends, to evolve and change for the better, is to keep them stuck in the same place for our own convenience and comfort. If you’re my friend, I wish you to evolve, to grow, to change into the best version of yourself, even if your growth requires me to grow as well and challenge myself to meet you at a place that is mutually beneficial.
A fruitful friendship is one that evolves. Developing healthy friendships requires shedding the fear of evolving, and that of our friends evolving as well. Some of my greatest relationships are friendships that grow as both individuals grow, and as we both discover new facets of ourselves and each other, and engage on a path on continuous, positive, even exhilarating evolution.
Don’t be afraid to release what no longer serves.
Developing healthy female friendships also requires leveraging the power of releasing what no longer serves. Very often, we allow history to determine relationships that no longer have a place in our destiny. It’s these same relationships that in turn, prevent us from growing into our full potential and achieve our destiny, as we settle for the comfort of familiarity and ease.
Healthy friendships challenge you, push you to be a better version of yourself, and fulfill you to the brim. They don’t leave you drained, empty or wanting for more, but instead felling supported, valued, cherished, and challenged. If not, it may be time to release them, gently, peacefully, with the understanding that we’re creating more space for relationships that fit us better, for our mutual benefit.
All in all, developing healthy female friendships is like making an investment in our well-being, health and potential. Yet, it’s also a process of introspection, self-knowledge and character development that requires choosing who can sit at the table of your life and on what terms. In the end, it may be one of the most important processes of your personal and professional life.
Welcome to Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
Business Insider shares 5 conferences for women of color in tech to help beat gender inequality in the field and how to get a coveted spot ;
Got money on your mind? Actress, writer and wearer of many hats Issa Rae reveals to Black Enterprise that multiple streams of income are the key to success;
Working Moms, we see you! Working Mother shares with us a heartfelt testimony from Serena Williams about the hardships of working motherhood, and we’re right there with her;
Ever cried at work? Inc. explains why it’s ok (We all did it);
Afraid of public speaking? Entrepreneur teaches you how to give a presentation like a pro;
Tax season is here, and so are email attachment scams as well! Lifehacker tips you on a few tips to avoid the scams;
I’ve been trying to eat less meat these days, and Corporette is helping with their 6 easy strategies to go meat-less;
We’re ready for Spring, and WhoWhatWear is sharing 8 spring trends that are technically for free;
Sitting in the waiting room at the dance class studio while my daughter was taking ballet, after arriving rushedly a few minutes late, I looked around at all the other parents around me. Most of them were moms, and most of them, were looking slightly, or very…tired. It was 6pm, the class went until 7pm, which means for many, if not most of us, we were grappling with the thought of picking some quick food on way home, or trying to desperately remember if there were any leftovers in the fridge. And yes, most of us probably do this more than once a week, in addition to handling the household load and professional obligations…’Tis the era of the successful, glass-ceiling, concrete-wall breaking, but oh so tired working Supermom!
I was raised by a single working mom, so from a very early age, I already was all too-well acquainted with the challenges of what I would always think of as “complicated motherhood”. The kind that requires one to be a mom and a dad, to work and clean the house and cook the meals and balance the checkbook…Yet, even for non-single working moms, when you fast-forward to the present times of “leaning in” and “sitting at the table”, you quickly realize that in some way modern moms have also signed up for “complicated motherhood”, the SuperMom kind. Except after dropping off the kids to school, commuting to work, holding her own at work, picking up the kids, driving to extra-curricular activities, figuring out dinner, bedtime, and everything in between, SuperMom gets seriously tired…
The amount of obligations and requirements the popular modern definition of success for working moms has heaped on our plates is astounding. What’s even more astounding, is that we still bravely, fiercely, and sometimes unconsciously, strive to check in all the boxes, satisfy all the requirements, and play all the parts we’ve been assigned and have assigned ourselves as well. That’s how our SuperMom capes get so heavy, as they fill up with social activities, personal and professional responsibilities, and worse of all, the ever-looming sense that as our to-do lists get longer and less effective as ever, we are not enough. And in turn, we teach our daughters and our sons to have the same unrealistic and destructive expectations we, and the rest of the world, throw at ourselves.
In the modern era of the working mom who can have it all, it may be high time to opt for having all that matters instead, and ditch our super-sheroes capes in favor of our fulfillment, purpose and sanity:
Assess what’s truly IMPORTANT and IN ALIGNMENT with you and your family:
When you’re a working mom, everything seems important, from the kids’ lunch menu form to the meeting at work. It’s as if we had this “IMPORTANT” basket right on top of our heads, day in and day out, that we desperately try to keep in balance at all times. We’re trying to devise the dinner menu while on the conference call, checking the time to make sure we’re not late for after-school pickup and the kids’ dance and soccer practice. Too much!
What is truly IMPORTANT to you and your family? What are those non-negotiables you need to agree on with your partner and your children? After hectic months of running around in sheer exhaustion between work, home and school, we had to have those important conversations in our household. Without agreement, alignment, and a sense that we’re all in alignment with our current purpose and goals, it doesn’t work…
Recognize your limitations
Moms are powerful. Like everyone else, they also have limitations. It’s called being human, which also means making it to the 8am meeting after dropping off the kids probably won’t leave room to wash all the dishes in the sink. Or that not having a minute to yourself as you try to climb the corporate ladder will not let you enjoy family time.
Admitting that in each season of your life and work, you will have limitations, is key. Not as an admission of guilt, or a sign you’re giving up, but as a gentle reminder slowing down is a blessing. What are the limitations you know you’re facing? Where can you cut down on time and effort? What can you take off your plate?
Be more present
The problem with overachieving is the more you try to fit into your busy schedule, the less you’re able to be present for it all, mentally, physically and spiritually. Are you barely listening to the kids as you’re trying to make dinner and be on the conference call all at once? Do you notice your temper getting shorter by the second as you try to do three things at once? It may be time to invest in less busyness and more actual presence…
I remember the feeling of being engrossed in a book for hours, enjoying every single sentence, treasuring every single word as I l crouched hidden as a child in my closet with a candle on to finish (or start) a book. If you are a book lover and bookworm like myself, you know the feeling. And then life happened, kids happened, pick-ups and drop-offs along with work schedules and the whole “adulting” thing, took over. Gradually, as a working mom, I was barely getting to one page a day, then a week, then the babies started ripping pages off my favorite books, when these would not accidentally slip in the toilet as I struggled to hide in the bathroom to sneak some personal mama time. Before I knew it, I had almost given up on books as a source of learning and as pure, unadulterated joy, for lack of time to read.
Reading has been proven to have a plethora of benefits, from mental stimulation that can slow the progress of dementia and Alzheimer’s, to reducing stress, increasing knowledge and vocabulary, to improving memory, concentration and focus, to cite a few. Many of the most successful and influential individuals, from Oprah to Bill Gates, credit reading for much of their inspiration and achievements. For me, it’s always been a source of escape, and my favorite way to learn about anything. As a student, it has allowed me to grasp the most complex concepts. As a working woman, it’s been my saving grace to acquire the skills I needed, and as a writer and teacher, the fuel to my inspiration and the essence of my life’s work.
Giving up on it as the pressures of life, parenting and work accumulated felt like an unfair punishment, in addition to a blatant disadvantage as a working woman and mom. The more intentional I decided to be about how I spent my time and what to say yes to, the more it became crucial to re-establish reading as a part of my schedule. Here are some ways that helped me do so, and that may help you as well as you make more time to enjoy the pleasures and benefits of reading:
Make reading a part of your sacred time
When I started re-prioritizing my time and how I spent it, I began to re-classify some of what I call my pillar activities as my sacred time. These include my prayer and worship, meditation, family, exercise and reading time, as my sacred time. By sacred, I mean non-negotiable, at all. For me, it means reading for 30 minutes a day at the very least, usually early in the morning or at bedtime. It also means letting go of non-sacred activities, such as browsing social media, or watching TV, in order to fit some yummy book-reading in. At the end of the day, it’s all a matter of priorities.
One effective way to make more time for reading is to make it a family activity. I love public libraries, and as a new mom on maternity leave, I would often sit at the local library for hours with the babies reading while they would play or nap. It later turned into a regular family activity, which also instilled in my kids a love for reading. As they carve out their own time to read, I also now take it as an opportunity to enjoy a good book myself. And voila, it works for everyone!
Consider technology as a way of reading too
I recently started listening to audiobooks and to my surprise, I really enjoy listening in on a good book on my long commutes to work and school. It’s another way I found to get some reading in, especially when driving, doing laundry or cleaning the house. Granted, I still prefer my good old paper books (blame it on habit), especially when it comes to fiction books. I find it easier to listen to a non-fiction, practical book than a fictional account, but it’s mostly personal preference.
If you’ve been considering giving up on reading, or have been struggling to fit it in as part of your schedule, I hope these suggestions motivate and inspire you to continue to invest in yourself through books.
How will you make more time to read as a working mom?
As busy and at times overwhelmed working moms, thinking further than the next drop-off or pickup, the next meal, or the next school form to fill out can be far-fetched. We’re so often caught with the demands of the moment that long-term planning can fall by the wayside. Especially when this long-term planning involves uncomfortable, and downright somber possibilities such as the case in which something should happen to us, and we could no longer be around our families and children. This falls under the definition of estate planning, which while sounding like a dark topic, is also one that working moms like you and I should get familiar with, and take action on.
According to Investopedia, estate planning is the “preparation of tasks that serve to manage an individual’s asset base in the event of their incapacitation or death.” This includes the guardianship of any living dependents, such as children, naming beneficiaries of insurance and retirement plans, naming executors and power of attorney to oversee and direct assets in the process, and many more planning tasks.
I remember meeting with my first financial advisor, and broaching the topic of estate planning. Saying it was a highly uncomfortable conversation is nothing short of an understatement. The prospect of anything happening to any of us is a rather terrifying one, let alone having to plan for it. However, life happens, circumstances are often out of our control, and may end up leaving our loved ones in dire straits for lack of adequate planning and preparation. This is actually what happens to 70% of Americans who leave this Earth without a will.
As working moms, it’s also our responsibility to help plan for the future and well-being of our children and families. If this is something you have thought about and would consider, here are a few steps to help us get started:
Introduce and continue the conversation
This is hard to think about, let alone talk about, so it is understandable that you may feel awkward and even stressed broaching the topic. However, keeping in mind the well-being of your family can help in the process, and you can start with your spouse, significant other, or a trusted loved one. It need not be an elaborate discussion, but rather the honest asking of questions such as: “Who would take care of the kids if anything happened to me/us?”, or “What would happen if I fell ill?”, or “How will things and assets be divided up in case of unplanned circumstances?”
This also means continuing the conversation with the people you and your partner, or you on your own, if you happen to be single, have picked to fulfill various roles as part of your estate planning. These may be your potential executors, children’s guardians, or individuals to be entrusted with power of attorney. It would make sense to first discuss with them the possibility of their fulfilling these roles, and whether or not they agree to do so and are aware of what it entails.
Begin the process
The most immediate basics that most people start with when it comes to estate planning consist in setting up a will and establishing life insurance. Many have life insurance already set up from their workplaces, however it is important to check whether those insurances do indeed cover all foreseeable needs should something happen. This is especially relevant if your family is dependent on your income.
As for a will, it can be easily done online, although you may want to check with a professional as well, and consider a “living will” as your healthcare directive for your medical and financial wishes.
Also be sure to consolidate all your paperwork and documentation, and inform your executor(s) of their location and how to access these, should anything happen.
Seek professional help
If you’re afraid you may not be familiar enough with this process to undertake it alone, or your estate is larger or more complex than average, or if you possess investments, you may want to seek professional advice.
Despite the fees charged by attorneys (which may range from $500 to multiple thousands of dollars), setting up your estate plan appropriately will save you not just money, but your dependents much heartache and stress in the long run. Besides, peace of mind is worth every penny!
Have you thought about estate planning as a working mom?
As working women and moms, the reality is we often neglect our mental health. Faced with all the responsibilities and duties imposed (and self-imposed as well) on us, we tend to put this part of self-care on the back burner a lot. This is especially relevant when we consider the dark stigma around mental health and therapy, especially in minority communities. I grew up in Senegal, West Africa, where the entire concept of mental health was (and in many ways still is) ignored altogether.
Back then, we didn’t talk about mental disease, only pitying the “crazy” men and women abandoned on the streets for lack of better care. Despite the existence of mental health hospitals, there was a strong stigma on mental health, or the lack thereof. As a result, for me, the necessity of caring for one’s mental health was non-existent. You just had to cope with whatever came your way in life, and that was that…
It wasn’t until later in life, after experiencing the heart-wrenching blow of suicide, loss and grief, that I started wondering about mental health. As an immigrant in a different culture that was more open to considering the importance of mental health and therapy, I had the opportunity to learn more about it. First, from books, then through conversations, and ultimately through experiencing the benefits of therapy myself at a turning point in my life and work.
Like many, I felt the stigma and the associated sense of shame around it initially, especially as a strong Black woman who was taught to “handle my business privately”. Yet, what I learnt about myself, my beliefs, values and story, and the deep process of healing and freedom that ensued, absolutely amazed me, and prompted me to share my experience with fellow women and moms:
Going to therapy is an act of bravery and NOT weakness
One of the main reasons why so many women, and people in general, avoid therapy (or any form of mental health care) is because of the stigma of weakness associated with it. For many, to go to therapy means admitting to being weak, to not being able to cope with life, or being unable to “handle your business”.
As a result, the rate of suicides and depression have been climbing at an alarming rate, as individuals are left to struggle alone. On the very contrary, taking care of one’s mind is an act of courage, an act of bravery that says: “I want to be whole, so I can in turn help others be whole”.
Your mind is your most important asset, and you should care for it
The most important asset we have is our mind. It’s the battleground where our thoughts define the way we see, and act towards, the world. It can literally make or break us. So why wouldn’t we, especially as women and moms who are in charge of so much of the world’s education through our influence on families and children, care for it as well as we do our bodies?
Imagine dealing with everything you deal with as a working woman and mom, and not stopping to wonder if you’re ok mentally? It’s with our minds that we raise our children, follow purpose, help others, build striving lives and careers, and they deserve the best care.
Your growth and healing affect others
We all carry baggage from our pasts and present. From childhood on, we are shaped by beliefs and values transmitted to us by well-meaning parents, family members and communities who themselves carried negative baggage from their own experiences. As such, we’re not always responsible for the cards we’re handed in life. Yet, what we are responsible for is our own healing and growth as individuals. Without it, we run the risk of stagnating and not evolving ourselves, not to mention bleeding on and hurting others who may not be able to defend themselves, including our children.
As moms especially, our mental health deeply affects our children, and we are the ones instilling many of the values and beliefs they keep for most of their lives. It also affects our marriages, couples (hence the importance of couple therapy as well) and relationships. That is a heavy responsibility that we must be aware of and heed carefully.
All in all, caring for your mental health as a working mom is far from being an indulgence. It’s actually a necessity that doesn’t just impact you, but whose benefits extend to everyone and everything around you. However, it requires courage, commitment and the willingness to preserve one’s mental well-being.
Have you been considering your mental health and ways to better care for it?
