It takes a crisis to reveal the true character of situations. The current COVID-19 pandemic, as most crisis, is revealing many, if not most of the inequities, around gender. One of the most striking manifestations of this is directly linked to parenting. The reality is, this pandemic is killing working moms, figuratively and literally.
Truth is, it is digging so deep into our last reserves of resilience and strength, as well as into any of the gender equity advances we’ve managed to make so far, that it may have the potential to set us back decades behind. However, what this current crisis also is, is a loud, stringent wake-up call for working mothers, and everyone else around. A call to re-visit, re-evaluate, not just the modern pressure of 21stcentury parenting, but also the very much contemporary meaning assigned to being a working mom.
Over time, with advances in gender equity and stronger initiatives (and incentives) for equal pay, working mothers have certainly gained some ground, although not enough just yet. However, what we’ve also gained has been the added pressure of living up to the impossibly high standard of “having it all”, even if not at the same time. We can all agree that having and doing it all at the same time, is a surefire recipe for disaster. So we’ve compromised instead on having and doing it all, just not at the same time. More realistic, certainly. Less heavy, probably not.
What it means really at the end of the day is that we’re carrying an ever heavier load, including work, parenting, life and everything in between. We’re just spreading the pie thinner rather than letting it get thicker. Yet, really, is it truly better to be spread thinner, rather than carrying a thicker weight? Aren’t both alternatives just different takes on picking our own “self-made” version of the same lethal poison?
What this pandemic has clearly, and quite harshly, if I may say so myself, shown me is that however you decide to slide the modern working mom pie, it is still too much. It doesn’t matter how many shifts one decides to compartmentalize the various demanding parts of their life and work in, it’s still too much. Too many responsibilities, too many compartments, too much to think about, even at different intervals and times…You can’t just switch off from being a great, present mom, to full-on career beast mode, and then to baking the perfect cake. You’re not a robot, you’re a human being, and yes, you’re pretty amazing but you’re not super-human…
Yes, the pandemic is killing working moms. Yet, it’s not inventing anything new. It’s simply amplifying the imbalance that’s been there for working mothers for quite some time, and the elusive appeal of the “have it all” mentality. It’s uncovered the fallacy of the modern take on gender equity and equality, and removed the mask off of the reality of contemporary motherhood. A reality steeped in profound, staggering, fundamental inequities that more flexibility, increased pay or a shattering of the glass ceiling, only scratch the surface of.
If this pandemic is offering us one saving grace, it is that of realizing that working mothers need more than just occasional help and assistance. They need a complete overhaul of an entire societal foundation anchored in gender inequity. They need for the load to be shared not just equally, but better; for structures and infrastructures, from roads and highways to the justice system, to reflect the needs of working moms and parents; and for organizations to respect the needs of families over profits.
They say it takes a crisis to reveal true character. At the end of the day, this crisis here is a wake-up call, not just for working mothers, but for an entire society, to re-think its ways, its priorities, and its heart.
Fear is real. It creeps up into every aspect of your life and work, paralyzing you and threatening to topple you at every turn. When fear overtakes not just you, but your entire network and community, it now becomes pandemonium.
Times of uncertainty bring fear. They bring about a sense that we’re no longer safe, that threats are everywhere around us, and that we’re left vulnerable and powerless in their wake. They rob us of our inner power to create the change we need in our own lives and others’.
I’ve learnt the only way to beat fear is not to try to beat it. Instead, it is to do it afraid. It is to rob it of its destructive power by doing the very thing we’re afraid to do, by continuing to strive when the temptation is to shrink and give in, to keep pushing through when everything else screams to stop and give in. It doesn’t mean the tightness in your chest will disappear, or the rapid beating of your heart will slow down. It just means you’re choosing to resist instead, leaning in to faith and perseverance to make the seemingly impossible possible.
As a working mom stuck in the middle of a pandemic, fear is everywhere. It’s in the small and large spaces between people at the grocery store. It’s in the media’s loud screams of panic overshadowing the fair and accurate reporting of the news. It’s in the angst of planning for tomorrow, next outing, next school year. It’s embedded in the thoughts, patterns, conversations, emotions awaken by a crisis we know by name but not by heart.
Fighting against this fear is a daily undertaking, one that requires focus and determination at a time when we’re running short of both. Thankfully, it’s a fight we can all learn to become better at:
Acknowledge your fear areas:
For me, it starts with acknowledging where it hurts, those areas where the fear is at its highest. In this current pandemic, most of us fear for our health and lives, and that of our loved ones. Many fear losing their jobs, careers, businesses and sources of income. The heightened level of panic is causing many to sink into deep anxiety and depression, paralyzing them and making them unable to perform in many, if not most, areas of their lives.
Do something every day in your fear areas
What can you do each and every day in your fear area? It could be taking care of your health by exercising daily, inspiring kids to working smarter instead of harder, or looking for a new source of income. It could be finally deciding to write the book or the business plan, facing the outside world (while taking your precautions), have a discussion with your kids, etc…
Practice gratitude
It’s hard to be grateful when you’re afraid. The smallest amount of progress loses its relevance in the face of fear. Yet, practicing gratitude gives you perspective and reminds you of how far you’ve come. It could be journaling for a few minutes a day, through prayer, or simply through quiet reflection. However you choose to do it, it will affect your outlook, motivate you, and beat the fear.
Give yourself grace
Fear doesn’t equal weakness. Nor does hiding one’s fear, especially to oneself, equate strength. Give yourself grace as you confront your own fears, and learn to do it, from the smallest to the biggest things, afraid.
How are you beating fear in these times of pandemic?
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been holding on for a long time now, doing your absolute best, going above and beyond for everyone else…except yourself! You’ve been maintaining this façade, however successfully, of the strong woman who’s got it…Just like you’ve been taught by generations of strong women before you, whose tears no one saw, who only got half the credit for their full work, who kept plowing through the challenges and still made it happen, whatever “it” was, from a holiday mean on a shoestring budget, to “magically” paying tuition and rent every month…
Yet, the reality is, you’re crumbling…You have been for some time, without letting anyone know, not even yourself. It’s been hard, at times unbearably hard, so hard you could not even find the tears to cry or the words to explain…Prayers and affirmations are not even comforting anymore, as you look through your phone for someone to call before finally resigning yourself to handle your business alone…
This whole time, you’ve not given yourself permission to fall apart. After all, ain’t nobody got time for that! You’ve got way too much on your plate, way too many people counting on you, and way too many people expecting you to fail…So you’ve been soldiering on, not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, explore your emotions, or simply take a break…You’ve bottled it all in, the pain, the exhaustion, the trauma, the incessant worries, in the name of stoic resilience and superhuman courage, at the cost of your own sanity and mental health…Yet, instead of making things better, it’s made it all so much worse…
You’ve been taught falling apart is a bad look. Admitting you’re vulnerable is a sign of weakness and incompetence. That women can and should do it all, at the same time, whatever the cost. Yet, what if it had been the wrong message all along? What if feeling the emotions, putting down the façade, and taking a breath were actually necessary? Not to stay there and wallow in self-pity, but to observe a pause, to allow yourself to fall apart so you can pick yourself back up and rebuild afterwards, instead of endlessly running on fumes?
In this season, give yourself permission to fall apart, to feel all the “feels”, to take a break, and replenish yourself before starting over again. Because it takes courage to open up and be vulnerable. It takes compassion, for oneself and for others, to share one’s struggles so others can see they’re not alone.
Because falling apart is not weak, it’s necessary, as long as you don’t stay there…
Being vulnerable is not “not handling your business”…
Seeking help and support is not being fragile, but showing strength and courage…
Give yourself permission to fall apart…and then get back up!
Typical morning! By the time you roll out of bed, your entire schedule is flashing before your eyes, from getting the kids’ breakfast ready to meeting every deadline for the day. For many, if not most working moms, this is done on a stand-alone basis, with limited, sometimes non-existent, help from their partners.
One of the recurring complaints I keep hearing from working moms through the COVID-19 pandemic is all around the added load and burden of caring for kids and the household, in addition to handling work responsibilities. However, while men have been participating more in household chores, they’ve still been able to achieve much more work than women. Overall, in the work-from-home revolution, women got left behind while the inequities in the home and at work keep being perpetuated. As a matter of fact, Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood Survey reveals mothers are in a critical state of burnout.
How realistic is it for a working woman and working mom to give her all in her career, when the brunt of the home responsibilities falls on her? How many jobs can a working mom do at once, especially during this pandemic, caring for children, elderly parents, the household, all the while breaking herself to keep being employed? What conversations must be had at home and in the workplace to not just assist working women and moms, but actually set them up for success? These are many questions hovering over the surface of the still gigantic gap separating women and men at work. Questions that will probably take a long time to answer, yet that we in the meantime can help address in the home with a few changes:
Have THE equity talk with your partner
This is a conversation that should actually be had before people commit to each other, and frequently thereafter:
How can we handle household responsibilities to preserve a sense of equity?
How can we help each other grow in our purpose?
What are the non-negotiables in terms of equity?
These are just some of the questions that can, and will pop up as you have THE talk.
Set ground rules and boundaries (and stick to them)
Life happens, habits set in, and it can be so easy for the lines between equity and non-equity in the household to be blurred. Hence the importance of setting ground rules and establishing clear boundaries…While each household functions differently, basic ground rules around the distribution of household chores and care is quite common..
Even more important to setting ground rules and boundaries, sticking to them is crucial. It’s one thing to establish a new family pattern, and another one to keep it consistent in the long-run.
Involve the kids
Why do my kids walk straight past their dad to come ask me for a snack and the meaning of life? The reality is, many of the patterns we find in our households, are also internalized and learnt by our kids. This is why it’s so important to involve the kids in equity discussions in the household, as these will teach them much and later impact the way they see gender equity in all areas of their lives.
This may also mean openly assigning various chores and responsibilities irrespective of gender (yes, boys can do dishes and cook while girls take the trash out). Establishing a household atmosphere where equity is the norm goes a long way…
All in all, gender equity starts at home, and has wide repercussions on work and society at large. Beginning the fight at home can make a world of difference…
Dear Working Mom is our love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…This week, we’re dedicating it to all the mamas who’ve been summoned by the loud and silent cries to end racism.
Dear Mamas,
You’ve been watching the news with fear and horror gripping your chest, as you repress screams of horror at the sight of injustices and inhumane behavior done to human beings because of the color of their skin…The same melanated skin that covers yours and your children’s bodies… The same bodies that are unsafe out in the streets and inside homes…
You’ve been watching your children with angst, sifting through the words that would make your pain bearable and their understanding softer…How do you explain to little minds that some people hate other people because of the color of their skin? How do you explain to yourself that you have to explain this to them? How do you answer the question: “Mom, what’s racism?“
There is a pain that is unpalpable, an anguish that one cannot put into words, but that you know all too well. It’s the anguish you feel every time you hear of another race-related incident. Every time your sons or daughters are going out with friends, or just going to the corner store…It’s the weight in your chest when you read about another tragedy around another Black son or daughter, when your heart of mother gets summoned at the call of “Mama” from any child who could have been your child…
Yet, there is this strength, this incredible, monumental, divine strength only mothers can muster in the face of tragedy and despair…This strength that carries you through and over supernaturally through unspeakable mountains of heartbreak… This superhuman strength that girds you with the resilience of survivors, building up your warrior’s heart, and transforming you into the agent of change of your community, your workplace, your circle…
It’s the same strength wrapped in unbearable pain that allows you to show up in hostile workspaces and still be your best. It is the same resilience that pushes you to run for office, to start the business, to raise funds for the anti-racism non-for-profit organization, to raise by example and not by word. It is in you, in the depths of your sorrow, in the breadth and width of your hope, in the height of your character…
Dear Mamas, we see you, we hear you, we walk alongside you, we commit to working for change by your side…
“Mom, what’s racism?” When my son asked me this loaded question, I started sweating profusely. How do you explain racism? Even more importantly (and more confusing), how do you explain racism to kids?
Racism is complex to think about and talk about. Racism is even more complex to discuss with kids. While we should have conversations with our children about the existence and disastrous effects of racism, there are also books that can help them better understand the history behind it. Here are 33 books of them, centering on race, racism and diversity, in words and concepts for kids:
Age: 4-8; This gorgeous account by Academy-award winner Lupita Nyongo of a little dark-skinned girl called Sulwe speaks to children about colorism, diversity and honoring who you are.
Age: 6-10 years; Mama Africa is the nickname of Grammy-award winning South African singer Miriam Makeba, who rose to fame during the segregationist regime of apartheid and whose story this book recounts.
Age: 4+ – This picture book provides an inspirational introduction to the story of four Black women who helped NASA launch men into space!
Age: 8-12; Through children’s stories from many African countries, this book fights to counter stereotypes and celebrate racial diversity.
Age: 5+ – This 2016 New York Times Best Illustrated Book is a poetic piece of African-American history depicting New Orlean’s Congo Square as the heart of freedom.
Age: 5+ – This powerful and moving picture book uses original plantation documents and slave auction to document the lives of slaves
Age: 6+ – This beautiful work introduces young readers to the unique work of Jean-Michel Basquiat, who knew success when young.
Age: 6+ – Kids are being taught in this book about Mandela’s life as illustrated by stunning art.
Age: 8+ – In this gorgeous work, stunning art is used to amplify the words of Dr. King for kids.
Age: 8+ – This powerful book is a thrilling account of kids investigating a racist incident.
Age: 6-9 – The lives of 10 Black women activists in the face of oppression are celebrated in this book around the battles and triumphs of the civil rights movement.
Age: 6-9; When Sylvia Mendez, an American citizen of Puerto Rican and Mexican heritage, was denied enrollment to a “whites only” school, her parents organized the Latinx community to win a lawsuit against the segregation of schools in California.
Age: 4-8; For every time when we may feel like “the other”, the only one in the room, or just “different”, this book reminds us about the power of courageous connection.
Age: 7-10; This beautiful illustrated book literally walks children through the beautiful and diverse Senegalese culture via Aminata’s morning walks to school. An ode to my native country!
Age: 5-9; Whe Viola Desmond refused to be budged from her seat in the Roseland theatre in Nova Scotia, she became a symbol of racial justice in Canada.
Age: 5-8; Healthy Black hair is beautiful, and this powerful work reminds little and big girls everywhere of this beautiful fact!
Age: 4-8; The legendary Miss Lena Horne, renowned African-American actress and civil rights activist, is celebrated in this picture book for kids.
Age: 7-11; This story of identity, resiliance, and resistance follows the life of Irene, taken away from her First Nations family, and fighting to reclaim herself.
Age: 3-7; This is the story of Florence Mills, born to slaves and destined to become a singing sensation on the Harlem stages in the 1920’s, who used her fame to promote civil rights and Black performers.
All ages; 40 history-making Black women, from poet Maya Angelou to mathematician Katherine Johnson, are highlighted in this educational compilation of stories.
Ages: 4-8; This book combines extraordinary poetry by Ntozake Shange with outstanding art from Kadir Nelson to tell the story of Correta Scott King through the vision of and civil rights freedom she shared with Martin Luther King.
Ages: 5-8; From her escape from slavery to her purpose in leading others to freedom, this poignant account introduces kids to slavery and to the glorious life of Harriet Tubman.
Ages: 4-8; When Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on the bus in Montgomery, Alabama, she made history!
Age: 5-9; Sojourner Truth spent her life spreading her message of equal rights for Black people and women, which is shared with children in a beautiful way through this book.
Age: 3-7; Written by a citizen of the Cherokee nation, this book teaches kids about modern Native American life.
Age: 9-12; Voices of Freedom introduces children to activist Fannie Lou Hammer, who was a civil rights champion from 1950’s to 1970’s.
Age: 6-11; Anna May Wong is the first Chinese American movie star in Hollywood, who used her fame to fight for racial equality in the movie industry. This book takes kids into racial justice in the film industry.
Age: 5+; In simple, sometimes silly words, this book introduces kids to the concept of racism, celebrating differences and having a conversation about race.
Age: 7-11; This fiction book tells the story of Ruths’ family trip by car in the 1950’s, and teaches children about the Jim Crow laws and how the historical Green Book helped African-American travelers remain safe.
Age: 4-12; This fun, cute and entertaining book also teaches children about the importance of diversity and differences.
Age: 3-7; Sesame Street shows kids everywhere that while we should celebrate differences, what matters is that we’re more alike than different!
Age: 1-12; From the creators of Hair Like Mine, Skin Like Mine is a powerful and fun ode to diversity for children.
Age: 5-7; A vivid account of the fight for Mexican-American justice through the eyes of young Emma Tenayuca in the early 1920’s.
What other books for children about race and diversity would you recommend?
One of the most challenging parts of growth as an individual, and especially as a working woman and mom, is the part when you realize that not everybody will grow and go with you. It’s a daunting and saddening realization that can be heartbreaking at times. Yet, it’s the sometimes heart-wrenching reality of personal growth. The part when caring for yourself means letting go of people not mean to grow with you….
Very often, especially as women, we’re socialized into groups and relationships that are supposed to last a lifetime. These are the friendships from “back in the day”, the associations from “way back when”, that we’re too attached to release, even when it’s clear they are no longer working in our favor. So we stay and hang around, and suppress that little voice inside telling us it is time to move on. So we shrink a little more, and a little more, to fit into boxes we’ve outgrown, for the sake of not shaking the boat…Yet, despite all your best efforts, you find yourself stagnating, not just in that relationship, but in many if not all areas of your life.
Beyond weekly manicures and pedicures, self-care also means letting go of those not meant to grow with you. While being a complex process, this release process is all too often necessary. While certainly challenging, it doesn’t have to be a drastic or dramatic process. Often, it’s just a matter of re-classifying relationships in a way that truly reflects who you are and your process of growth, which may require a few steps:
Trust yourself
How many times have you gotten this sense in your gut that things weren’t quite right? And how many times have you silenced your own instincts, preferring to trust the comfort of old habits?
The first step to releasing relationships that are no longer meant for us (or were never meant for us) is to trust ourselves. Our bodies will tell us when something is not quite right. We’ll sense it in our gut. The key is to trust ourselves.
Release in peace
Letting go, be it of relationships, associations, or jobs, does not have to be a dramatic process. Being at peace as we release what is no longer meant for us helps us keep a clear mind and spirit as we move on to the next step in our lives, on purpose.
While there may be times when confrontation is unavoidable, as much as possible, keep your peace.
More acceptance, less resistance
The difficulty in letting go of what or who is not meant to grow with us is often a matter of resistance. It’s hard to accept that we’ve been used to for so long, whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a career, is coming to an end. So we resist and struggle to maintain the status quo, instead of accepting things as they are.
Being accepting of what is does not mean being complacent and taking whatever comes at face value. It simply means believing you are provided for at all times, and something or someone leaving is only making room for better.
