The other day, I innocently asked Dear Daughter why she did not ask me to go to the store instead of her dad. To which she quickly responded: “Mom, you’re kind of cheap…” After the initial maternal hurt and shock, coupled with the realization that my dear child also believes buying all of Sephora amounts to a very affordable purchase, I got to thinking about what financial power truly means for working women and moms.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve valued financial security. Raised by a single mom who often reminded us kids that money doesn’t grow on trees, I understood the value of money very early on. However, for the longest time, this understanding was coupled with fear. It was the same fear that also kept me paralyzed when it came to money matters later on in life, from negotiating my salaries to learning to invest. Fast-forward a few decades punctuated by personal growth, marriage, motherhood, and career changes, and my financial outlook has been on quite the journey along with me. The more I learned to value myself and my unique purpose, the more my outlook on money morphed from fearful reliance to secure appreciation.
GENDER PERSPECTIVES ON FINANCIAL POWER.
The reality is, much of our money mindset and attitudes about money are often rooted in gender-based social conditioning. Indeed, research clearly shows men and women hold different conceptions of money. While men tend to consider money as a success and power symbol, women tend to consider money both as a source of security and anxiety. Men also tend to be more prone to pursuing financial investments than women. However, both genders share similar attitudes toward monitoring savings and expenses.
WOMEN’S FINANCIAL CHALLENGES.
Women are also no strangers to significant financial challenges. One of the latter can be summarized in one simple but loaded word: “Busyness”. According to an April 2023 Pew Research report, women complete on average 4.6 hours of housework as compared to 1.9 hours for men. Where both spouses share the same earning power, women take on 6.9 hours of household chores vs. 5.1 hours for men. This disparity obviously and significantly reduces women’s availability and ability to dedicate time to financial education and growth.
Indeed, the 2021 Survey of Household Economics and Decision Making (SHED) reveals substantial gender differences in financial literacy. While this is partially due to lack of motivation and confidence, other factors such as the wage gap, time spent by women outside the workforce, and the inequity in gender’s responsibilities at home, are also to blame. Considering women tend to live on average longer than their male counterparts, these staggering differences tend to impact them more heavily.
THE FEMINIZATION OF WEALTH.
Despite these challenges, women are thankfully far from being out of the financial game. If you’ve heard of the Great Wealth Transfer, you may know it’s an enormous shift of financial ownership in the United States set to occur in the next couple of decades. Currently, half of the wealth in the US is held by Boomers. However, in the next 20 years, it is predicted to land in the hands of a majority of women. As women tend to live longer than men, more women Boomers will be in charge of their family’s wealth. Additionally, a record number of single millennial women are set to inherit most of the future wealth. As a result, by 2030, American woman are predicted to manage at least $30 trillion in wealth. Which is more than the nation’s Gross Domestic Product (GDP), in the hands of women! Talk about the feminization of wealth…
FINANCIAL WELLNESS IS SELF-CARE.
For all these reasons and beyond, financial self-care is now more than ever an absolute necessity for women. Caring for one’s finances as a working woman and mom is an act of radical self-care and community care. Indeed,financial self-care impacts families and communities by enlarging the pool of available financial resources, and providing positive examples for other women. It also requires reshaping what wealth means to and for women…
RESHAPING WOMEN’S FINANCIAL POWER.
For far too long, women have had a complicated relationship with money. I know I certainly have. Whenever I used to think about money, I would also think “stress”. And I’m far from being the only one here… According to a 2023 Fidelity Investments survey, stress is the first word women use to describe their feelings about money. Meanwhile, men tend to associate finances with the word “hopeful”. Difference much?
The 2022 Ipsos study published in the Women, Money, Confidence: A Lifelong Relationship report indicates most women manage their day-to-day finances well. However, it appears they struggle with longer term financial goals such as paying down debt, retirement and emergency savings.
Faced with these challenges, redefining wealth as women also means:
– CHANGING OUR MONEY MINDSET
I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly struggled with a scarcity mindset about money. While I’ve always made it a point to budget, save and invest, it was more out of a sense of lack and fear, than a belief in abundance and purpose. It took literally changing my mind about what financial security and power really mean, to even begin my journey into financial growth. And this is more gender-based than we often want to believe… Research shows while men tend to exhibit a higher risk tolerance as related to financial decisions, women tend to prioritize financial security and be more risk-averse. These biological and psychological gender differences result in the different money mindsets exhibited by women and men.
However, changing our money mindsets as working women and moms doesn’t necessarily equate behaving like men. Rather, it means identifying our money fears and addressing them as proactively, and effectively as possible. Many of these fears come from traumas passed on from generation to generation as early as in childhood. Debunking these while renewing how we view and think about money, is an indispensable part of growth and evolution.
-DON’T JUST KNOW YOUR WORTH, EMBODY IT!
Realizing our worth as working women and moms is a lifelong journey of unlearning society’s gender value system. It’s the mental, spiritual and psychological process of shedding the burden of shame, guilt, and excessive self-sacrifice.
It’s also a matter of re-learning our values in our personal and professional life, wherever finances are concerned. At work, we may measure professional worth in terms of professional fit, personal fulfillment and salary expectations. On a personal level, it’s about educating ourselves financially in the short and long-term. It’s also about developing an investment and financial mindset rooted in a spirit of financial abundance rather than scarcity.
– BOUNDARY UP!
Last but not least, implementing strong financial boundaries is key to stepping into our financial power. Most importantly, learning to say “no” to internal or external financial pressures, in order to say “yes” to financial growth and empowerment, is crucial. This can take the form of flexible budgeting, wise investments, or strong personal limits.
Setting, and keeping, financial boundaries has certainly been an ongoing journey for me. As financial power takes on very many different forms through the various seasons of our life and work, it requires different evolving versions of ourselves as well. Awareness then is the first step to creating, adjusting and upholding effective financial boundaries.
IN CONCLUSION…
All in all, stepping into our financial power, especially at the dawn of the feminization of wealth era, is a lifelong journey. However, in light of the Great Wealth Transfer set to occur in the U.S. in the next decade, it is more relevant and important than ever. Despite its challenges, stepping into our financial power as working women and moms may just be one of the most enlightening and rewarding journeys of our lives and careers. One that holds the unique potential and power of teaching us about our worth, our power and the legitimacy of our own unique purpose.
How will you step into your financial power in this season?
I remember being in mind-boggling traffic the day before Christmas, with still quite a few gifts left to get on my list, exhausted as could be. The year before, I had promised myself not to get to this point of exhaustion and overwhelm again during the holidays. Yet here I was, mentally calculating how to magically fit in the rest of my Christmas shopping, a quickie shower, and the Christmas service at church, not to mention wrapping the rest of the gifts before the clock struck midnight. Can you relate?
If you’ve ever been in my shoes, you know year-end is a notoriously busy time for working moms. Between holiday preparations, year-end work deadlines, and childcare challenges, most working mothers are exhausted around the holidays. According to a 2006 study by the American Psychological Association (APA), the holidays have a negative impact on women, many of whom are largely responsible for year-end celebrations. A 2024 TODAY survey confirms mothers bear the brunt of holiday preparations 97% of the time. Hence the holiday mental load experienced by so many working mothers…
This is also why year-end is one of the most opportune times to reflect on ways to lessen this mental load and avoid burnout. If like myself, you’ve experienced exhaustion and overwhelm during the last weeks of the year, you may have taken it as a wake-up call. I know I surely have…
Here are the three principles I’ve landed on as part of my year-end reflection as a working mom:
More than at any other time during the year, the flurry of to-do’s, events, commitments and obligations to attend to during the holidays requires prioritizing. What is most important? What can be delegated, postponed or eliminated? These are a few of the questions that must become pivotal in any working mom’s life to avoid constant chaos and make sanity a priority.
Less is More!
If there ever were a motto to modern motherhood, it would be: “less is more”. As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve learned over time that the only medal there is for trying to do all the things as a working mom is that of exhaustion and overwhelm. And there is no better time than the holidays to realize this harsh reality.
For me, year-end is the perfect time to reflect on and practice streamlining my to-do list as a working mom. From building systems to using the power of automation, and lessening my commitments, finding ways to reduce the load as a working mom is an important part of my year-end reflection and planning.
Set clear boundaries!
Last but certainly not least, year-end holidays are a harsh reminder of the power of boundaries (or the lack thereof). During a season where demands, commitments and deadlines rear their demanding heads at every corner, boundaries are essential. As a working mom who’s struggled with setting boundaries, especially during the holidays, I know the dear price to pay for a boundary-less life.
An important part of my year-end reflection focuses on setting up better boundaries with each passing year. From limiting my year-end engagements, to communicating personal and professional boundaries more effectively at work, giving myself some margin during the holidays has become a non-negotiable. In turn, this allows me to further reflect on and plan stronger boundaries in all areas of my personal and professional life.
Over the years, applying these principles has radically transformed the way I approach the holidays and plan for the new year. Although I still have ways to go, I’ve gotten better at prioritizing what really matters, streamlining the insane amount of year-end commitments and deadlines, and setting stronger personal and professional boundaries. In turn, this has allowed me to reclaim my time, and go from constantly exhausted to empowered to thrive instead of just surviving the various seasons of my life and career.
I hope this year-end is also a fresh opportunity for you to reflect on being less of an exhausted working mom, and more of an empowered, and rested, mother.
How are you going from exhausted to empowered in the New Year?
I remember it like it was yesterday. I had just left a well-paying job with benefits, with no backup plan other than following my purpose. With two young children, a mortgage and bills shared with my husband, I took the most dangerous leap of faith I could have ever imagined. For the career-conscious, the ambitious, the money-conscious accountant I was, it was so out of character…And it was, well, so ungrateful of me…
How could I be so ungrateful as to leave behind everything I ought to have been thankful for? How could I walk away from a decent job when so many were in need of one? These questions kept swirling in my mind, as I contemplated my decision to walk away and chart a different path for my career and life…Although I was certainly grateful for the many privileges afforded me as a young, educated working woman and mom, there was something else lurking beneath the surface…Something more, something purposeful, that I could not quite yet put my finger on, or even verbalize at the time. It was an itch I had to scratch, a call that forced me to step into the unknown, at the risk of looking ungrateful…Yet I kept feeling like aspiring to something different than what I had was lacking in gratitude…
As women and moms, we’re socialized to be grateful. To show endless gratitude for all we’re privileged to have, from a husband, to children, a career or financial stability. After all, gratitude does have its benefits, fromimproving our health, to gaining a psychological edge in life, building stronger relationships, and increasing productivity and career success. Giving thanks can literally save our lives and propel us forward…For women, it’s even been linked to developing a more body-positive image. However, it can also turn into a golden prison weaponized and collectively weaponized against women…
This golden prison is also known as the “gratitude trap”. It’s this endless pit of constantly feeling like we have to be so grateful for everything that in turn we end up shrinking and apologizing for taking space. From the home to the office, we shrink in the name of misplaced, excessive gratitude, making ourselves small enough to be palatable, to accommodate others and make up for the space we ought to proudly fill. At work, we feel like we should be so grateful for having a job, for every promotion, every hard-earned success. At home, we ought to feel so much gratitude for the husband, the kids, the home, that we accept to crumble under the mountain of work that falls on our shoulders and the struggle to juggle it all. In the name of gratitude, we may continuously fade in the background, erase ourselves, over-accommodate others while often neglecting ourselves and apologizing for our very existence.
How many times do we see women at work saying sorry, in meetings, over email and in personal interactions? How many times do we feel like we have to over-compensate for our successes by shrinking and bending over backwards for others? How many times do we hear when we dare to utter a single complaint, that we have much to be grateful for? And how many times are we reminded by society that we’ve come a long way, and should be grateful for it?
This is the diminishing side of gratitude, the reductive, the shrinking, the shame-filled side, that we don’t talk about enough. This is the other edge, the sharp, cutting edge of an otherwise beneficial practice that we too often silence, for fear of staining its immaculate perception. Yet, it is a side we need to bring out in the light, if we are to rid ourselves of the shame and guilt of desiring more or wanting something different.
So what are we to do to keep from getting swallowed by the “gratitude trap” as working women and moms? Do we ditch gratitude altogether? Do we continue to allow ourselves to be so thankful that we keep shrinking? After too many years of misunderstanding and misusing gratitude, I’ve come to a few guiding principles as a working woman and mom:
From fixed to growth mindset: Changing our mindset about gratitude!
Like so many, I used to think being grateful also meant refraining from wanting something different or aspiring to better or more. This was a reductive mindset about gratitude, akin to the fixed mindset. Excessive gratitude would then put a ceiling on my abilities, achievements and progress. Instead, I now choose to think of gratitude in a more expansive way. Because I’m grateful for how far I’ve come, and for every ounce of goodness and privilege in my life, I give myself permission to be grateful in advance for future blessings. I choose to think of gratitude as a multiplier, rather than as a ceiling. This is the growth mindset applied to gratitude.
Using gratitude as a fuel
Whenever I think of all I’m grateful for, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come and the many obstacles I’ve been fortunate to overcome, the people in my life and on my path, and the spaces, situations and circumstances that have brought me to this point.
Choosing to see gratitude as a sign of progress and evolution also allows me to use it as fuel for future progress.
Documenting our gratitude journey and using it to motivate others
Gratitude is best when shared with others. Not only can it benefit us then, but it can also benefit others, motivating them to go after their own purpose and dreams. By freeing others to see what is possible through gratitude, we also free ourselves from the trap of limiting gratitude.
So, yes, even as I am deeply grateful to even be writing these words, it’s no longer out of a sense of gratitude that traps and limits me. As you tap into your own sense of gratitude, I hope you use it to fuel yourself, motivate others and transcend any undue limit every imposed on you.
If summer is also your time to catch up on your fiction books, then you’re certainly not alone. Like many, it’s also my time to unwind and catch up on my fiction reading. There’s something about the summer months that just make you look forward to evading in a nice fiction book…
Here are some of summer fiction books that I highly recommend:
I thoroughly enjoyed Seven Days in June by Tia Williams. If you’re looking for a light, yet captivating summer read, you may want to give Seven Days in June a try. The story of Brooklynite single mom and best-selling erotica writer Eva Mercy, and Shane Hall, a reclusive mysterious and award-winning author, is one that will take you back to your romance days.
When they meet unexpectedly at a literary event, their past comes back to the surface, as they embark on a seven-day adventure back to each other in June.
With a romantic backdrop, Seven Days in June explores the intricacies of Black life and what it means to be a modern Black mom.
This fascinating love story binds three people into a captivating tale weaved around the effects of injustice in contemporary American life. When newlyweds Celestial and Roy’s future is ripped apart by an unfortunate criminal sentence, their lives take a turn for the unexpected. As Roy spends time in prison for a crime he didn’t commit, Celestial falls into the arms of her childhood friend Andre.
With the backdrop of the American justice system’s racially biased reality, An American Marriage offers an unique perspective on life and love, pain and hope, present and future.
A Spell of Good Things is not just a book, it is an exploration of the societal fissures between different classes, genders and politics in Nigeria. The story unfolds around Eniola, a young man from a family impoverished due government changes causing his father to lose his teaching job; and Wuraola, a young doctor from a well-to-do family stuck between an abusive fiancé, a demanding career, and society’s judgmental gaze on her as an unmarried woman in her 30’s. As Eniola loses his bid to attend university and gain an education, he becomes entangled in a web of mischievous political intimidation that ends up directly affecting Wuraola’s family. In the meantime, Wuraola embarks on a journey of self-discovery, and self-delivery, to disentangle herself from the bondage of family, romantic and societal abuse.
It’s in this context that Eniola and Wuraola’s lives become intertwined, weaving the tapestry of all the ways in which our human lives are inextricably bound regardless of class, gender or personal aspirations.
And the mountains echoed was on my reading list for quite a long time, before I finally picked it up this summer. Nestled in the mountains of Afghanistan, the story builds up around a brother and sister whose seemingly unbreakable bond gets torn apart by the difficult choice of their family to pry them apart. From this heart-wrenching break, a saga ensues, taking the reader across continents, from Kabul to Paris, San Francisco and the Greek islands.
This book is an absolute gem of human depth, weaving deep wisdom, insight and compassion into the fabric of love, family and history. A must-read!
These exceptional books had me traveling all throughout the world and the fabric of humanity this summer. They certainly figure on my list of all-time book recommendations.
Now your turn, as we close this summer, what books made your summer reading list? Email us at corporate@the corporatesister.com and share…
For the first time in my adult life, I took a month off. An entire month off, traveling, seeing new places, swimming in the ocean and mostly “being” as opposed to “doing”. And it shocked the entire heck out of my system, my overachieving, productivity-minded, A-type working woman system…
As someone who became an academic later in life, after over a decade in the corporate world, having extended periods of non-mandatory, daily work is a privilege I never take for granted. Yet, having the option to take some time off, I mean, really off, with the exception of writing and research work which I truly enjoy anyways, did not come easy and without resistance. You’d think this would be an opportunity anyone would chomp at the bit to take and relish in. Yet, to my surprise, this precious opportunity initially left me stressed, frazzled, and frankly speaking, scared…
According to a research study conducted by social psychologist Tim Wilson, about half of participants asked to take part in “thinking periods” during which they would not do anything, rated the experience as unpleasant. When given the option to shock themselves rather than sit quietly and think, 25% of women and 67% of men chose the first option. As a slight reminder, the first option is the one that consisted in inflicting themselves an electrical shock! Anything but sit in quietness and just be left with their own thoughts! Would I rather shock myself than sit in silence and think? Probably not, but I can’t deny the experience might make me want for a load of laundry or two. In general, as human beings, we just tend to feel uncomfortable doing nothing. As women, while sitting still for a bit may come as a welcome break at times, doing absolutely nothing might be downright dreadful in the long run!
This is despite the fact there is actually a science behind the art of doing nothing. I refer to it as an “art”, because in a society that overvalues busyness over intentionality, meaningful nothingness is indeed an art. Yet, recent research has demonstrated engaging in rest and relaxation promotes overall well-being, creativity, and yes, even the sacred productivity we worship at the altar of our daily, busy lives. So why is it then so hard for women to do nothing, and actually enjoy it?
Whether associated with the “not doing enough” syndrome, or linked to the “time anxiety” experienced by individuals leading meaning-driven lives, I strongly believe the answer boils down to the fact that it’s so difficult for women to feel good about ourselves. Much of it stems from society’s perceptions of women’s roles and abilities in life and at work. These perceptions, in my opinion, also lead to what I would call the “rest bias” for women, whereby women are implicitly expected (and expect themselves) to constantly be doing something for others instead of resting. When coupled with the worship of productivity in our modern society, and the various biases afflicting working women and moms, the “rest bias” becomes particularly pronounced against, and felt by women who dare to bask in their glorious right to do absolutely nothing.
Much of it, in my experience as well as so many other working women and moms’, stems from gender-based and sexist perceptions and opinions. As a Black woman especially, I’m acutely aware of the role of racism, beyond sexism and gender-based discrimination, in shaping many of the rest-related stereotypes and opinions.
What would the world think of women who do nothing?
How would our very existence as women be justified, if we just did nothing?
What if we did not bear the children, clean the houses, cook the foods, do the unpaid and invisible labor at home and at work…
What if we didn’t strive to do twice the work for half the pay?
What if we didn’t work, mother, live, love exceptionally?
What if we didn’t save the world, quietly though, with an extra dose of humility and deference, because… patriarchal society, right?
At the end of the day, it’s this “swim or sink” mentality that has us gasping for air from the home to the workplace, toeing the thin line between merit and self-worth, questioning our place (and fearing to lose it) at every turn. It’s the “what if” mindset pushing us to follow the current, even when we’re called to fight against it. It’s the ticking time bomb in our minds when we lay our heads down to rest but can’t stop thinking about tomorrow night’s dinner and the unfinished report for work.
But what is the alternative, if there is one?
Well, I, along so many other women, are discovering there may just be a powerful alternative that’s been left out of the patriarchal instruction book. An alternative that would introduce to the world women who are actually rested, women who are no longer depleted, burnt out and exhausted…
But instead, women who have tapped into the power, and the accompanying struggle, of doing nothing, intentionally, beautifully, regeneratively…
Women who are tapping into things like meditation, nature walks, creativity, rest, and no longer apologizing for it…
Because it’s harder to think more clearly when we’re exhausted…
Because creativity is stifled when we’re burnt out…
Because resistance is lessened when we’re depleted…
Because it benefits generations of outdated, antiquated patriarchal regime when women are not at liberty to think, create, and resist…
So that one day very soon, we may know, not just women who work hard, women who strive, women who are tired…
Women who wear the brilliant yet frayed inside, capes of super-sheroes earned at the cost of their health, sanity and potential… So that instead, we may know, experience, and enjoy women who are rested…
Women who are regenerated…
Women who are full, and giving out of their overflowing cups…
Women who are fully, unapologetically themselves…
How do you fight the “rest bias” as a working woman and mom?
If you’ve found yourself drowning in summer activities’ plans, getaways, packing and unpacking for trips, all the while striving to have kids keep up with their summer work and you with yours, then you may have experienced a specific kind of mental load affecting parents from approximately June through September ever year… The mental load, which has been heavily discussed in the past years, consists in the invisible labor of managing your family and household.
This particular kind of mental load is the summer mental load, characterized by the heated (and costly) pressure of having to work, while having kids at home or on vacation, being the “fun” summer mom, and keeping all these hot balls juggling in the air without losing your last shred of sanity…
I’ve written before about the summer ceiling for working moms, as being this “conglomerate of professional and personal obstacles faced by working mothers during the summer months as a result of the scarcity (or complete lack) of childcare resources, couple equity and overall gender equality”. Add to this the constant mental weight of overcoming these obstacles through incessant mental planning, coordinating, organizing, and worrying, and you have yourself a special brand of mental load only sold to working moms in the summer, and not at a discount at that…
While I welcome the added flexibility in the summer as a professor, along with the gift of being able to be present with my children at home, I can’t deny the heavy day-to-day weight of the summer mental load. The responsibility to plan, organize and coordinate almost three months of travel, activities and learning, along with managing household, chores, grocery shopping, pick-ups and drop-offs, to cite a few, while keeping up with some level of work, gets uncontrollably weighty…even with a spouse or partner pitching in.
One additional component of the summer mental load for working mothers, especially for single working moms, is the financial aspect. Between the exhaustive (and often prohibitive) cost of childcare, summer camps, travel and other summer activities, not to mention inflated grocery prices, the added financial burden can quickly compound into financial loss and unending concern. This summer mental load is often overlooked by many, adding itself to the invisible labor of women, and further endangering their mental health.
I still remember being absolutely frazzled and mentally exhausted throughout the summer months as I ran from one thing to another, not having much time to myself despite it supposedly being a time of rest and relaxation. Relax, when? Yet, despite all the busyness, I never really got much of a sense of accomplishment, always feeling I was falling short somewhere, whether it was in my work, parenting, family relationships or friendships. Summer became a time I dreaded, instead of looking forward to it and appreciating the gift it’s supposed to be.
What can we do then to alleviate the mental load of working moms during the summer months?
Over the years, and after many a complaining session with the girls and exhausted ice cream binges late at night, I’ve made a few changes. Tiny, at first, then increasingly more significant at life became more demanding and my knees less forgiving. Here are a few of these changes that may help you, hopefully as much if not more they did me:
Acknowledge and talk about the summer mental load…loudly!
“Why aren’t there more women and moms talking about how hard this is?” This was one of my first thoughts when going through serious summer mental load, secretly resenting the fact that no one had bothered to warn me about it. Or about perimenopause in your 40’s, how annoying husbands become, or the reality of “underboob sweat”, but I digress… It seemed everyone was doing such a wonderful job at planning and organizing memorable summer moments, while I was nothing short of…struggling with frizzy curls and chafing thighs. I digress again…
There is power in sharing our struggles, rather than just putting our glorious moments on display, especially as working moms. Acknowledging and talking about how challenging summers can be for moms, can not only help other moms feel less lonely and isolated; but it can also prompt the solutions needed to alleviate the problem. Also, please note you’ve just been provided with a free pass to publicly vent throughout the summer, just saying…
Dare to seek and receive help!
Change happened for me when I stopped acting like “Supermom” and started asking and receiving help to face the summer months. This includes help from setting up and implementing a summer plan and budget, however loosely structured, to packing lunches, traveling, and keeping up with the daily grocery store trips. I’ve also learnt not to discriminate among the types of help and welcome it from as many sources as possible, including:
–Family and friends:
Ok, while the reality is that many working moms do not exactly have a full village to rely on, there can be some micro-villages to lean on. These may include our partners, family and friends, or even co-workers and colleagues at times, and may involve trading childcare services, taking turns, or even using bribery in moderate doses (gotta do what you gotta do)…
–Free local resources:
There are countless local resources in your neighborhood you may not have tapped into, from the public library to the local children’s museum and the local pool. Unfortunately, many of these resources are not used enough, and end up not being funded for lack of it. So the next time you hesitate to use your local library or neighborhood pool, just think you’re actually contributing to increase its funding. Also, consider your financial budget for some further incentives to save money for your next spa appointment…
–Technology
Can we talk about the “helpful” side of technology with parenting during the summer months? From free resources to city guides and budgeting hacks, technology, from social media apps to budgeting apps, has been an incredible help for me.
–Advocacy:
The summer mental load is a rampant issue for many, if not most, working women. This is where advocating for ourselves, as well as other working moms, whether at the local level or through national politics by voting, getting involved in the community and/or using your voice on social media.
Embrace self-care
Self-care? What self-care, you may ask, after a full day of running after the kids at the beach and washing sand-covered towels for days. Ok, I get it. But summers without self-care are a surefire way to lose whatever shred of sanity you may have left, plus your well-hydrated curls and skin, for good…
Whether you drop off the kids at the grandparents’, sign up for Parents Night Out at your local YMCA, or just take turns with a friend or colleague babysitting, please build in some time for yourself. And take it! Don’t ask for it, don’t apologize for it, don’t even negotiate around it, just take it! This means taking your work vacation you’ve been saving for the next emergency, allowing yourself a few hours while the kids are on a playdate, and yes, even locking yourself in the bathroom….
So, yes, the summer mental load is no joke at all for working parents in general, and working moms in particular. Yet, by acknowledging and talking about it, unapologetically seeking help and embracing self-care, this weight can be alleviated for so many working mothers.
What are you doing to fight the summer mental load as a working mom?
The other day, I was in the middle of disciplining one of my babies (who are no longer babies), when the thought “ I have no idea what I’m doing” crossed my mind. As a Black mom of a pre-teen and a full-blown teenager, these moments in my working mom life are happening more and more. Whereas they used to be far and few in between, now during this teenage phase, they have become more the norm than the exception. Truth is, there are few things like raising teenagers (and kids in general) that will also raise both your blood pressure and insecurities as a mom and a parent in general…
Have you ever, like myself, been in the middle of disciplining your child, only to question your own confidence, adequacy and aptitude as a mom? Have you ever felt that you needed a larger supply confidence as a mom? And really (tell the truth), have you ever wondered if there ever were a “mom confidence training” class somewhere? Ok, I’ll give in, I know I have…
Whereas confidence is more often associated with career and work skills, there is not enough talk about how many moms like myself find themselves needing one (or many) extra shots of maternal confidence, especially in current times. While parenting has always been a challenge for most, if not all parents, the modern lethal addition and combination of modern technology, social media and mental health culture, among other factors, have made it both a virtual and physical gargantuan task for moms.
According to the 2021 research by the WealthiHer Network, 79% of women recognize they struggle with self-esteem. Further studies reveal almost two thirds of new mothers, or roughly about 63%, report decreasing levels of self-esteem after giving birth. Unfortunately, lack of confidence and self-esteem can result in self-doubt, which can then turn into burnout, anxiety, and/or depression.
As a first generation immigrant from Senegal, West Africa, the cultural clash between witnessing raising kids back home, and the corresponding reality in today’s America, has been trying to say the least. As a Black working mom juggling motherhood, career, marriage, laundry, and all the rest of life in the midst of a world still struggling with racism, sexism, and discrimination of all kinds, it’s been akin to walking a tightrope threatening to break at any moment. Add to it all the modern advice and literature around conscious parenting (thank you Dr. Shefali), childhood trauma, and the rampant mental health epidemic among the youth, and there’s an explosive cocktail of parental confusion with strong notes of mothering guilt and not-so-subtle undertones of societal crisis…And need I mention the lack of parental support, paid leave or a general infrastructure to assist moms? ‘Nuff said…
So how do we even begin to develop anything close to “mom confidence” in today’s world? How do you sift through all the biases, traumas, dreams, and responsibilities to uncover the secrets to raising well-balanced kids without losing your sanity and very last coin? How can we, as not-so-proud holders of multiple minority statuses, whether as Black women, women of color, and women in general, take back our power when it comes to raising our children?
Well, since I have not found the mothering secret (or any secret for that matter) or magic recipe, here are some tidbits about my humble own experience, and that of the many working moms I’ve had the privilege to share this mom path with;
Learn and adjust!
Modern motherhood is not for the faint of hearts, especially when navigating the cultural and racial , as well as technology, social media and mental health issues that plague our world and societies. In an ever-evolving world, constantly adjusting and learning become indispensable. As a Black woman, an immigrant floating between different cultures and realities, learning is a constant necessity.
As a lifelong nerd and academic, much of my learning happens in books. I’ve also been gifted with precious sisters, aunts, mothers whose advice, conversation and support have taught me more than I could ever learn from the pages of any book. This learning has also informed much of my work and career, and progress in other areas of life.
What learning is motherhood pointing you to? What unanswered questions can you find answers to? What are the safe spaces, places and people you can learn from?
Build and leverage confidence in other areas, including your career
While I always proclaim that being a mom has made me a better career woman, the reverse is also true. In many instances, the confidence I’ve gained in my career has allowed me to show up as a freer, more authentic version of myself as a mom. It’s allowed me to trust myself, my intuition and my God-given skills and abilities, including those of a mother. As a Christian mom, my faith has been the pillar of my confidence, which has also significantly helped ground me professionally and personally as a working mom.
In turn, this same sense of confidence has kept fueling much of my career and professional life, almost creating literal emotional, mental and even spiritual economies of scale throughout the various areas of my life. When I don’t feel as confident as a mom, I can remind myself of my spiritual foundation of faith and confidence. I can revisit all the times when I felt and acted confident at work, in my relationships, in my vocation.
Which areas of your life and work can you leverage to build and boost your confidence as a working mom?
Healing is key!
One thing that motherhood, and parenting in general, will unveil, is the core of yourself. You can count on mothering to awaken the wild beast of all your traumas, known or unknown (mostly unknown), and bring to the surface emotions, attitudes and reactions you would have never suspected in a million years. I know it certainly did (and still does) for me…
While my career has revealed over time some of the childhood trauma I have needed to heal from, motherhood has laid bare even deeper wounds I need to face. Indeed, one of the most precious gifts of motherhood is the call to heal. Understanding, and heeding, this call, through formal and informal therapy (read: books and endless girlfriend conversations), has been nothing short of a saving grace for me.
Has your experience as a working mom revealed areas where you need healing?
All in all, developing confidence as a working mom requires much more than many, if not most of us, anticipate at first. Through learning and adjusting, building and leveraging confidence from other areas of life and work, and focusing on healing, we can keep growing through motherhood.
What has been your experience developing confidence as a working mom?
