Do you have the tendency to put others’ needs before your own? Do you feel like in order to gain acceptance, approval and even love from others, you must bend over backwards for them? Or do you overly focus on others more than you do on yourself? If you’ve nodded while reading this, chances are you are or have been a people-pleaser. Chances are also that it has negatively impacted your career…
People-pleasing is often the sign of low self-esteem or high self-doubt, often learned in childhood from difficult relationships with parents and caregivers. It often manifests through an over-eagerness to please, a tendency to over-explain or over-apologize, and an overwhelming sense of guilt or fear at being disliked or disapproved of, among other symptoms. While these characteristics are not exclusive to women, the sad reality is females tend to be socialized as such in many cultures and societies. Although this is slowly changing, little girls have been raised to be compliant, quiet, pleasant, and attuned to others’ needs rather than their own. Research has shown more women (54%) exhibit people-pleasing behavior than men (40%).
As a matter of fact, women who exhibit these so-called selfless, borderline sacrificial, tendencies, tend to be praised and lauded for these. Especially in a society where women are still being torn between motherhood and career, often under the false pretense of “having it all”, the pressure to people-please can be particularly damaging to women, most of all those with perfectionist tendencies and low self-worth.
In a work context, these people-pleasing tendencies can be exacerbated by the professional pressure to fit in, be agreeable and foster a harmonious work atmosphere. Gender stereotypes perpetuated in the professional world also contribute to these expectations being placed more on women than on their male counterparts. Here are some ways it can manifest for working women and what we can do about it:
Over-commitment
If you’ve ever felt over-committed and over-burdened at work, chances are this may be caused by people-pleasing tendencies. Being eager to please also means being afraid to say no, which may cause you to take on more assignments, agree to aggressive deadlines, and attend redundant meetings. Most of it stems from a fear to be rejected, punished or not well-thought of. The result? Burnout, exhaustion, anxiety and even deep-seated resentment and ager at oneself and others.
What to do about it: Practice the art of saying no! For a people-pleaser, this can be the ultimate challenge. However, you can start by affording yourself more time and space to make your decisions, rather than rushing into a premature “yes” that leaves you over-committed and anxious.
Lack of boundaries
If you find yourself working through lunch or late in the evening, not taking breaks, answering emails after-hours consistently, you may need to re-adjust your boundaries. In the post-COVID era where so many of us work from home and the lines between work and personal life have been deeply blurred, this can be challenging. However, it can also be a dangerous trap for working women and moms with serious people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies.
What to do about it: Practice setting and communicating healthier boundaries. While this can be a scary process for recovering people-pleasers, it can be made easier by starting with small steps. Start by taking back a few minutes of your time spent working during breaks and after-hours, and slowly graduate to having a more fixed and healthier schedule for yourself. Practice communicating your boundaries to your colleagues and co-workers, and sticking to them as much as possible.
Inability to take up space
Last but not least, a hallmark of people-pleasing is the inability to take up space. Whether it’s speaking up, expressing a need, taking a compliment or acknowledging a victory, people-pleasers have a hard time asserting their presence, accomplishments and overall worth. This can manifest through extreme quietness in group settings, fear to ask for opportunities or raises, or not stepping up for positions of leadership.
What to do about it: Start by targeting your mindset. What are the beliefs and thoughts you harbor that make you believe that you ought not to take up space? Identifying these through journaling or therapy can help reverse your internal dialogue, and instead replace negative, disempowering thoughts with empowering ones.
All in all, people-pleasing, which can be exacerbated and more pronounced in working women due to social and behavioral conditioning, can pose significant obstacles to career advancement for women. This is where awareness, conscious healing and support can help working women get mentally healthier, and thriving more in their careers and lives.
Have you suffered from being a people-pleaser at work?
If you’ve ever experienced stress, anxiety or even depression from experiencing or being exposed to gender-based violence or discrimination, you’ve experienced some of the psychological effects of gender inequality. Indeed, gender Inequality is not only bad for business and life in general. In addition to creating significant gaps in our economy, well-being and overall stability as a society, gender inequality is bad for our mental health. More specifically for women’s mental health…
From increased levels of depression, stress and anxiety, to acute instances of post-traumatic stress disorder, its psychological effects are profound, and profoundly widespread. This has only been disproportionately inflated by the COVID-19 pandemic, with women more likely to report poor mental health and well-being, along with increased household responsibilities and caregiving loads.
Women and girls are primarily impacted by gender inequality, which centers around genders’ differences related to status, health, power and employment. The unfair and avoidable nature of these differences is referred to as gender equity, which comes from sexism that is anchored in sex or gender-based discrimination. The latter translates into less pay for equal work, more unpaid work, lack of representation, and lower employment and schooling rates. It can also manifest as discrimination in the workplace and sexual harassment as emphasized by the #metoo movement, all of which severely affect women and girls’ mental health. For instance, a 2016 study by Columbia University revealed women earning less than their male counterparts are 2.4 times more likely to be depressed and 4 times more likely to experience anxiety.
As such, research has shown women tend to suffer more from mental health conditions than their male counterparts, including general anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and eating disorders to cite a few. Despite the impact of biological differences on the incidence of mental health conditions, research has further demonstrated a correlation between discrimination and mental health factors. For instance, trauma, which can cause symptoms such as panic, anxiety, or insomnia, is considered a psychological side effect of sexism. In addition, it appears women tend to suffer more from chronic stress than men, caused by stressors such as domestic and caregiving responsibilities. Poor body image and lower self-esteem also contribute to mental health troubles for women.
Overall, gender inequality and the resulting gender inequity are just bad business for women’s mental health. Awareness of this fact can help women, and society at large, prioritize the importance of mental health. In this sense, an increased focus on ( and the removal of the associated stigma) mental health as one of the measures and solutions to gender inequality, along with preventative and healing measures such as therapy and mental treatments for instance, is no longer optional but absolutely crucial. Talking about, and finding ways to relieve the burden of gender inequality on women, can go a long way towards improving their mental health outcomes.
Do you agree that gender inequality is bad for women?
In this episode, I discuss the world of work changing for working women and mothers with the advent of the pandemic and the numerous challenges it has brought on…
Through this episode, we chat about how the workplace was not made with women and mothers in mind, and why it’s high time to re-evaluate the way we think and do work.
Listen in!
Thanks for Listening!
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Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on Apple Podcasts !
Someone once said, in order to remove the dirt and unwanted substances from a rug, you have to shake it. So it is of society. It often takes a hard shake to first uncover, and then remove the deep inequities and inequalities plaguing our ways of life and work. To clean and refresh existing structures of domination and submission into more equitable places of humanity and growth. Just like we’d clean out a closet filled with antiquated, ill-fitting clothes and shoes no longer belonging to the times and spaces we live in.This year’s Spring cleaning is no exception. Except it’s like no other for working women and moms at this juncture of history and time.
The COVID-19 pandemic has brought on more than a global health, economic, and political crisis. It has stirred more than a “Great Resignation” movement for businesses, organizations and individuals. Rather, what it has ushered with its great wind of change, shock and dismay, is a great reckoning of the urgent need for a serious refresh of the world of work, especially as it relates to and concerns women and mothers. The reality is, this crisis has been the ultimate straw that broke the camel’s back in the long, sadly still unresolved saga of deep inequities between men and women both on the work and home front. And now it’s time for a good, deep, hard, honest Spring cleaning…
Every year, and also through every milestone, upheaval, or change, I shed a part of my closet that is no longer “me”, no longer adapted to my passionate, busy, imperfect life of woman, working mom, wife, friend, sister, and whatever other hat I, like so many others, wear…As I get closer and closer to the most authentic version of myself, shedding layers of social conditioning, false knowledge, and inadequate influences, as well as reflecting and taking on fashion that literally “suits” me best, my closet is but one of the reflections of the changes occurring on the inside. A mirror to the evolution of a person, a woman, a mother, a sister, a friend, a human…Now this may sound shallow to some…until we all start considering how we’ve replaced polished, uncomfortable work slacks and skirts, with elastic waist sweatpants, albeit hiding under Zoom-ready, professional-looking tops…Or how the fashion industry has been reflecting the world’s crisis through an increased focus on sustainability, comfort, and powerful diversity, equity and inclusion statements on racial justice, voting rights, and female solidarity, to cite a few… I rest my case…
Like many of our ever “transitioning” closets, the world of work, and society at large, has been ill-fitting for working women and mothers for the longest time. While it has been shedding very few of its inadequacies, inequities and inequalities over time, there is still much work to be done. As the pandemic swiftly, violently, irrevocably pulled and shook the rug from under what has been an antiquated society, in terms of gender equity and inequality for quite some time, it has also created a precious opportunity for much-needed change. Yes, research says COVID-19 has sent women’s progress back at least a decade. Millions of women have, and still are, exiting the workforce in droves, fueled by lack of childcare, burnout, and a painful re-evaluation of their values. That, and other similarly hard to fathom facts, are true…Yet, two things can be true at once. While the pandemic has certainly set women and mothers back, it has also brought about the Spring cleaning we all needed, and the beginning of a crucial conversation and work towards gender equity and equality. This has also spurred many “firsts” that, although long overdue, we must acknowledge, celebrate and keep the momentum of going, including the first female head of the World Trade Organization Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, the youngest U.S. inaugural poet Amanda Gorman, the first woman of Asian descent to win the best Director Award Chloe Zao, as we await the confirmation of the first Black woman U.S. Supreme Court Justice, among other historical wins…
At the end , it really starts with the realization that some things have changed, yet will need to further change, including:
The world of work as we know it, was not built for women
However, as society shifts through shake-ups like the COVID-19 pandemic, these inequities and gaps are made more blatant and more urgent to solve. No longer can we pretend that all is well in the world of work when gender biases are being so painfully and visibly exposed through the cracks of unavoidable change and disruption.
So it’s time to re-imagine and create a working world that includes women’s values, lifestyles and priorities.
Change and disruption are not only forcing us to stop, whether out of necessity, survival, exhaustion or burnout. They’re also pushing us against the wall of our own denial of a gender-biased reality that has existed for too long, and can no longer go on as such. In a progressively hybrid working world fashioned by the necessary appeal of flexibility, the urgency of affordable and available childcare, and most importantly the prevailing of true humanity for all, the patriarchal, antiquated norms of the past no longer have a place. Instead, they are to be replaced with the authentic, full, human values of individuals, including working women and mothers. The same values, such as equity of time, labor and pay, that have been overlooked and ignored for far too long…
Truth is, the 9-to-5 grueling rat race, the limiting (and limited) maternity leave and maternal wall bias, all the way up to the corporate ladder, were created as hurdles and limitations for working women and mothers in a world designed for men. As such, it’s high time to re-imagine and finally create a working world including women’s time, priorities and values. A working world where women do not have to choose between motherhood and career, apologize for the flexibility to be their entire selves, or abdicate purpose at the altar of servitude.
It’s time for women to re-evaluate and re-invent themselves
In the same way, as organizations, businesses, companies and society as a whole are called upon to re-imagine their foundations and structures, working women and mothers are also called upon to re-invent theirs. And this time around, to do so with the bold authenticity, the daring truth, the unapologetic presence they were not at liberty to exhibit in times past.
There is a portal, albeit a risky and precarious one, that just opened, by virtue of a global health, political and economic crisis, that is lifting the curtain to reveal a fairer, more equitable, other side to work and life. And we must be willing and daring to cross the threshold of our conditioning and old mindsets, and do the work to get to the other side…
In this episode, we’re discussing as part of Women’s History Month, the maternal wall bias, or the bias many, if not most working and expectant mothers are seen as less competent, regardless of their actual abilities.
Read more on this on the blog…
Thanks for Listening!
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Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on Apple Podcasts !
Generally, this may sound like a kind compliment, especially as niceness and warmth is often traditionally expected of women. However, in the workplace, it can have a different meaning, one that may disregard or downgrade the perception of working women and mom’s competence, thus preventing them from ascending to positions of leadership.
So are women too nice to lead? Or rather, should warmth and friendliness be so readily associated with lack of competence on the part of women? Certainly not. However, the reality is that it does. As working women, being aware of this biased reality is the first step to fight against it. Over time, this realization has made many professional women adopt more masculine behaviors and attitudes in the workplace, in an attempt to dispel this stereotype and perception. Yet, what we’re coming to realize is that these qualities, falsely labeled as “soft skills”, are actually critically needed in the workplace.
As such, here are 3 tips for women who may be considered too nice to lead:
Don’t give up on warmth and kindness…
The temptation for many working women and moms faced with the pressure of patriarchal professional environments, is to give up on warmth, kindness and nurturing qualities such as compassion and empathy. Or at least to hide them away as much as possible, from their facial expressions to their speech and even their way of dressing…Even as so -called “soft skills” such as social skills, critical thinking, teamwork and interpersonal skills, just to cite a few, are in higher demand than ever, there are still negative biases associated with women displaying kindness and warmth in the workplace.
However, denying these interpersonal skills is a surefire way to let go of being authentic at work and in life in general. Leadership, true, genuine, and most importantly, effective leadership, requires unapologetic authenticity. And leading like a powerful woman is first and foremost leading authentically, which means embracing and sharing the power of compassion, warmth and kindness.
Focus on impact not appearance
Instead of focusing on the appearance of leadership and success, much of which is largely determined by patriarchal stereotypes and parameters, focusing on impact can make a real difference. And true, effective impact is achieved through authenticity. Bringing all of who you are to work and life in general may not be popular at first, however it will create long-lasting, effective impact.
What kind of impact can you create by being just yourself, instead of denying parts of your identity? Who can you help? How can you generate results for your organization by being exactly who you are?
Use the power of data
Measuring impact also means using the power of data to do so. Very often, women’s achievements are downplayed because they are not measured. Much of the labor of working women and moms goes unnoticed and discounted for lack of reliable and measurable data to document it. Even when the data is present, the documentation part tends to sorely be lacking.
What metrics can you set in your group, department or organization to measure your impact? Can you set processes and systems to consistently document all aspects of your performance? Most importantly, can you build the habit to share this data?
All in all, the niceness stigma for working women and moms, while being a pervasive bias, is one that can be demystified through awareness, unapologetic authenticity and action through data and documentation. There is no shame in bringing warmth, compassion, kindness and other similar positive interpersonal attributes to the table of work. To the very contrary, these are powerful assets for individuals, groups and organizations alike. Instead of fighting these to better fit into a falsely effective patriarchal mold, embracing them and showing up as a genuine leader, while measuring impact through data and documentation, is key to powerfully leading like a woman.
Key Ways to Maintain Balance as a Work-From-Home Mom
Working from home has become an increasingly common option at companies. For busy moms, working from home might be a great way to maintain a full- or part-time while taking care of your kids and your home. Without a long commute or the time it takes to get ready for the office, you may have more time to get your kids to the bus stop on time or make dinner in the evening. However, work-from-home moms can find it challenging to balance their work and home lives — especially if your kids are home during the day.
These tips should help you figure out how to find that perfect balance.
Don’t Divide Your Focus
We like to think that becoming moms gives us superpowers — and in many cases, it does. Unfortunately, that list of superpowers doesn’t include multitasking. The human brain just isn’t designed to focus on more than one thing at a time. It takes 23 minutes and 15 seconds for the average person to get back on task after a distraction.
Trying to juggle several different things simultaneously is just going to make it harder to get anything done. Stop trying to divide your focus and instead work on completing one task at a time. That may mean finding child care during the day or, if you have older children, setting up boundaries with them to protect your working hours.
Prep as Much as Possible
They say we all have the same 24 hours in the day, but it’s easier to cram more into that time if you’re not responsible for one or more young human lives. Take one day a week to prep as much as possible. Lay out clothes, prep lunches or dinners, and update your schedule for the week. This way, you don’t have to spend time each day on these more mundane tasks, freeing you up to work on more important things.
Eat a Healthy Diet
Setting up your menu for the week with quick meals makes it easier to say no to takeout and other junk food during your workweek. Improving your diet has other benefits, too. Many studies show that eating one to two servings of fatty fish weekly reduces your risk of dying from heart disease by up to 36%. Adding salmon, shellfish or other seafood options to your diet can help you change things up while making it easier to make healthy choices. Balance the protein with proper servings of fruit, vegetables and grains to maintain high energy levels throughout the day. That way, you won’t suffer the afternoon slump, and you’ll be able to get more done by 5 p.m.
Use Time-Saving Tools
Does your local grocery store offer grocery pickup? If so, try it out instead of writing a weekly trip to the store into your schedule. You can save a lot of time by putting in your order. Plus, if you’re an impulse shopper or tend to go to the store hungry, it can be a valuable tool to help you save money. There’s no risk of buying snacks just because they happen to cross your line of sight.
Stay Connected With Your Partner
Your kids aren’t the only ones you need to consider when building your work/life balance. Take the time to make sure you’re staying connected with your partner, as well. This could mean making time for a date night or just sitting down and conversing without interruptions. Put the kids to bed, put the phones down, open up a bottle of wine if you feel so inclined and talk to one another.
Ditch the Mom Guilt
Many moms feel that if we’re not doing something beneficial for our families, we shouldn’t be doing it. It’s led to an entire generation of women that are only just beginning to learn how to put themselves first. Ditch the guilt. Working is part of taking care of your family. Don’t feel guilty for your career, whether you’re working in the home or out of it. It’s not a bad thing to take care of yourself so you can care for others.
It’s a Balancing Act
Working is always a balancing act, but this is especially true if you’re a parent. When working from home, you may feel the need to multitask or put your job responsibilities on hold when your kids come knocking on the office door. On the other hand, you might be tempted to work overtime and miss out on quality time with your family. Use some of these tips and tricks to help you find the perfect work-life balance.
Author bio: Cora Gold is the Editor-in-Chief of women’s lifestyle magazine Revivalist, and she has spent over five years as a freelance writer covering life, happiness and wellness. She has a passion for sharing her experiences and learning from other inspiring women. Follow Cora on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest.
