If you’ve ever felt trapped by motherhood, somewhere between unloading the umpteenth load of laundry and answering the last email of the day on the kitchen table, you may have also felt like you should have never felt that way. You may have experienced such strong sense of guilt at the very thought of it that you may instead have sought to bury it in the deepest recesses of your mind, and never let anyone know you ever had this thought. After all, we live in a society where motherhood is revered, celebrated and embellished in all ways possible. All you have to do is click on your social media app to encounter loads of filtered, blissfully happy working family photos in picturesque backgrounds of all sorts…Yet, like many working moms at one point or another of their parenting journey, feeling stuck in a circumstantial prison of some sorts is common and nothing to be ashamed of…
In a society still reeling from the deep wounds of the COVID-19 pandemic, along with an ongoing political, economic and social latent crisis, working moms are at an all time high disadvantage. From dealing with the compounding weight of childcare, eldercare and household responsibilities, to facing the heavy toll of disproportionately lagging gender equity in the workplace, not to mention the increasingly restrictive laws against women, many, if not most working mothers are at a loss.
When there are no viable alternatives between home and work, feeling trapped is the inevitable result for too many working moms. Often, this presents itself as seemingly impossible dilemmas requiring us to make drastic, difficult choices between work and family, and even give up on our own fulfillment and purpose in a sacrificial manner.
So what can we do as working mothers to disentangle ourselves from these types of dilemmas? The answer is by creating more freedom in your motherhood process. Wherever you are in your mothering process, you don’t have to feel stuck, even if and when external circumstances tell you the very opposite.
Here are some tips that may help:
Start with your mindset
If you’ve been feeling “stuck” as a working mom, chances are your mindset has something to do with it. Thoughts such as “I don’t have a choice”, or “I’m a mother, so I can’t do this or that”, are the same thoughts that may keep you in a vicious cycle of disempowerment and self-victimization.
Changing the way you think of your circumstances can go a long way towards not only changing your attitude, but creating better opportunities. Replacing old, negative thought patterns with new ones by seeing opportunity instead of lack is key. Where you may think you have no choice but to leave your current role in order to care for your children, there may be an opportunity to start that online business you’ve been thinking about. Where you may feel like you can’t afford to apply for a more advanced position at work, there may very well be a chance to ask for a schedule more suited to your needs. Opportunity is everywhere!
Be clear about your brand of motherhood
Very often, we feel trapped because we’re applying someone else’s rules or version of what should be to our own lives and careers. Taking the time to gain clarity around who we are in every season of our work and life, helps us reframe our own brand of motherhood.
When we own who we are as working moms, we’re better able to navigate our circumstances in a more forward-looking and positive manner. What this also allows us to do is to adapt our choice of careers, businesses and schedules, to our own optimal brand of motherhood.
Streamline and prioritize!
Changing your mindset and gaining clarity about your own brand of motherhood allows you, in turn, to streamline and prioritize. This means eliminating what does no longer align with who we are and the kind of mothers we truly want to be.
When we’re not filling our minds, emotions and calendars with false beliefs, expectations and commitments that are not in alignment with our true selves, we’re better able to streamline our schedules, careers and lives by eliminating what no longer fits. We’re also able to prioritize what truly matters, thus creating more space and freedom as working moms.
All in all, feeling trapped by motherhood as a working mom is far from being uncommon. It is a reality so many working mothers face day in and day out. However, it doesn’t have to be a permanent situation, and can be alleviated by changing our mindsets, being clear about our own brand of motherhood, and streamlining our schedules, work and lives.
Whether you’re working in the office or from home, the feeling of being trapped in your career is one you may be all too familiar with. It’s this sense of not having agency over the very work you do, or even worse, how you spend your time at work. Even worse, it can be this insidious feeling of having no control over your time at all. As a working woman and/or mom, it can all feel all the more oppressive as your time is also overtaken by parenting, household and other duties and commitments.
This sense of lack of freedom was even more pronounced for working women and moms during the COVID-19 pandemic. In the aftermath of this global healthcare, economic and political crisis, so many working women and moms saddled with remote work in addition to childcare and household chores, have been looking for more freedom in their work and lives. As a result, over a million working women have had to resign from their jobs, many due to lack of available childcare. As we emerge from this crisis, many are asking the question: “How can I be freer in my work and life?”
For the longest time, women have been assigned much, if not most of the responsibilities around childcare, eldercare and the household. As women have started to fill up the professional ranks in larger numbers, they’ve still had to fulfill childcare and household-related roles on the home front. Where their male counterparts had the freedom to focus on their careers and outside pursuits, women have had to contend with almost insurmountable obstacles and inhuman demands on their time. Now more than ever, working women and moms are reclaiming their own time, a commodity that has for far too long been taken for granted by societies and institutions alike.
How can you regain more freedom in your career then, when you’re already struggling with owning your time as it is? Here are some tips that may help:
Change your mindset
Time is your most precious commodity. However, as a working woman and/or mom, you may have been taught to sacrifice your time instead of owning it. As little girls, you may have been told to be pleasant, giving up your time and energy to care for, satisfy, and fulfill the needs of our families, partners, friends, associates, etc….As an adult, you may have struggled with reclaiming your time, especially as the added responsibilities of marriage, parenting, family and even friendships, and accepted this as a way of life.
This is where changing your mindset about truly owning your time can make a world of difference. Replacing toxic thoughts and beliefs around not having a right to your own time, with healing principles such as: “I have a right to use my time in ways that are healthy to me”, for instance, can rewire your thinking in more positive ways.
Tie your work to your purpose
Creating more freedom in your career also means reframing the “why” behind the work you do. In this sense, tying your career to your purpose in every season can be particularly powerful. For instance, if your purpose is to help businesses obtain secure loans as a banking officer, then your career in banking may give you an added sense of fulfillment and direction.
Who are you helping in your career? How can you tie it to your purpose in this season? The more of a sense of purpose you get through your work, the more fulfillment you get, and the less you tend to feel trapped and lacking freedom.
Lessen the impact of money
Too often, we feel tied to a particular job because of the paycheck. As bills pile up, we think there is just no other option for us to meet our financial obligations. You may have been, or may be, in this very predicament, and may feel trapped in your current career or business.
The more you can lessen the negative impact of money, the more you can create more freedom in your work and life. What if money were no object, or were less of an object? What if you didn’t have to work so many hours? How can you create more freedom by lessening the impact of money? This can be done by creating systems in your work, including delegating, eliminating, or re-purposing tasks. Generating multiple streams of income is also another way of lessening the impact of money and feeling freer in your career and life. Last but not least, making your money work for you, through mediums like investing for example, also goes a long way towards increased freedom at work and in life.
Overall, creating more freedom in your work and life is a matter of changing your mindset, tying your work to your purpose, and lessening the impact of money. The more you can apply these principles, the more freedom you can have in your work and life.
Have you ever used a SWOT analysis in the business you serve, or in your own business?
If you have, you may know it as a powerful tool of business evaluation, whereby an organization evaluates its strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats (SWOT). However, you may not have used it for your own purposes in your career or business.
One particularly powerful exercise I encourage my audiences of working women and mothers to perform during corporate trainings consist in conducting their own personal SWOT analysis. Whether I’m speaking to career women or women entrepreneurs, the results are always astounding and rich in knowledge at the individual and collective level. This is especially powerful for women as our strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats tend to differ from our male counterparts’, which have served as the standard for quite some time.
One of the reasons why the SWOT analysis is such a powerful tool, for businesses and individuals alike, is that it forces us to conduct a periodic self-assessment. Most importantly, it urges us to question and challenge the status quo, and re-assess where we stand in our work and lives. Research shows we should re-assess our lives and hence careers every 7 years, as our circumstances, mindsets, and entire beings change. Unfortunately, too few of us realize this need for re-calibrating, especially as working women and mothers buried in unending to-do’s and commitments.
This is where the personal SWOT analysis can help:
What strengths do you possess, natural and acquired?
This is the number one question I ask of most women who attend my trainings. It’s a seemingly simple, but oh how loaded and even triggering question for so many working women. As we have been socialized to value more male-oriented qualities, such as assertiveness, domination, or stubbornness, many, if not most of us, have forgotten to recognize and tap into our own strengths. For the sake of breaking the glass ceilings and concrete walls in our careers, many have silently abdicated our own power in favor of more recognized and celebrated success values.
However, what we’re coming to realize is that the values brought on by women in the workplace,such as effective crisis management, consensus-building, innovation, creativity, and so many others, are just as, if not more effective than those brought on by their male counterparts. As a matter of fact, an increasing amount of research is clearly demonstrating that the presence of women on boards and in the management of companies, boosts their profits and sustainability in the long run.
Valuing and assessing your strengths as a working woman is the ultimate competitive advantage, for yourself and the organizations you serve. These are natural as well as acquired strengths from experience, education and/or other mediums. Not only do these set us apart, and So let me ask you again: What are your strengths as a working woman and mother?
What are areas of weaknesses and do you need to improve on these?
We all weaknesses. These are not just areas of improvement, as often deemed in a politically correct tone. They are actual areas where we do not thrive as well, and that do not put us in a position of advantage in our careers or lives. It’s important to be brutally honest about our weaknesses, not just in an attempt to improve or correct them, but also and most importantly to clearly recognize what is NOT in our zones of genius.
How many of us have been prompted to get into careers and work that did not correspond to who we are? Actually, how many of us are now in careers that cater to our weaknesses as opposed to our strengths? Yes, many of us may not have had a say in the matter. However, as we grow and evolve, it becomes crucial to really understand where we’re not at an advantage, so we can focus on our strengths as we work to improve our weaknesses. In other words, increased self-awareness helps us avoid majoring in minors.
What are the opportunities you can currently take advantage of?
One of the main obstacles in the way of many, if not most working women and moms, is lack of opportunity. However, much of this lack is also fueled by the fact that we’re not always aware of what these opportunities are. Yes, very often, they are hidden from us. Other times, we could not recognize them if they were right in front of us.
It could be as simple as the opportunity to volunteer for an assignment at work, or as complex as starting a business in one of our areas of genius. However, not taking the time and making the effort for conscious self-awareness can make us blind to what is for us.
What are threats surrounding you?
Lastly, as in business, many threats also surround us in our work and life. These can range from threats to the industries or businesses we serve, to impediments to our time, effort and energy. Stopping to assess the obstacles and barriers on our path does not just help us avoid these, as many of them, such as the advent of artificial intelligence replacing certain jobs, for instance, are unavoidable.
Being aware of threats in our work and life also help us in developing the mindsets, skills, and tools to better adapt to and grow through change, even if adverse. These are ultimately the mindsets, skills and tools that will stay with us, and positively impact others as well.
Overall, while the SWOT analysis is just a tool, the real power we have as individuals, particularly working women and moms, is that of self-awareness. Yet, as powerful as it is, it requires the willingness, discipline and focus to make it a regular practice. Only then can we truly thrive in the complete fullness of who we are…
When was the last time you conducted your own SWOT analysis?
In episode 34 of the podcast, I’m starting a series on “leading like women”. Here, I’m chatting about what characterizes women’s leadership, and how to embrace it to lead authentically and powerfully.
This podcast refers to research from the Business Journal from the Wharton school of the University of Pennsylvania: “The Masculine and Feminine Sides of Leadership and Culture: Perceptions vs Reality”.
If you have any insights as to this episode, please email us at corporate@thecorporatesister.com.
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During a workshop I had the pleasure of leading on working with purpose, most of the women in the group listed the same or similar strengths. Among these, were innovation, creativity, effective crisis management, to cite just a few. As we looked at each other, we not only realized we bring similar assets to the workplace, but that these assets are also some of the most, if not the most, important in businesses and organizations today. Yet, what we also realized, is that many, if not most of us, do not value these assets as much as we should. Instead, we tend to place much more emphasis on traditionally masculine leadership qualities such as assertiveness, competitiveness, or ego-driven dominance, for instance.
Research and experience both show there are definitely more “masculine” and “feminine” styles of leadership. These are as much fueled by employees’ perceptions, as they are by the reality of the individual leadership styles of men and women in the workplace. While most of the differences in leadership between men and women are attributed to the social construct of gender, many are also due to how we perceive how men and women lead. While male leaders tend to be associated with strength, arrogance, intelligence, and power, to cite a few qualifiers, women leaders tend to be associated with multi-tasking, empathetic, compassionate and collaborative.
At the end of the day, it’s really about what we think about leadership rather than what leadership can truly accomplish. As a matter of fact, role congruity, or the expectation that people will act according to their gender, changes how leaders are perceived regardless of how effective they are. As a result, women tend to be considered less effective as leaders, and
tend to be more influenced into adopting more of a masculine style of leadership, which is not effective either as not aligned with their natural skills and talents…
So how are women leaders affected by gender-based perceptions of leadership to lead effectively? The answer, or least one of the answers, lies in self-awareness. Women leaders need to cultivate a stronger and deeper awareness of their style of leadership, in conjunction with the culture of their organization. This also means assessing their strengths, opportunities for improvement, opportunities and potential threats, akin to an individual SWOT analysis. However, the fit between women leaders and their organization’s culture is an important factor to consider. As self-aware as women leaders can be, without a proper fit with their organization’s culture, their effectiveness is limited.
Organizational fit can be measured by the alignment of the mission and values of the company, with that of its leaders and employees. Values such as integrity, corporate citizenship, and diversity and inclusion for instance, tend to foster more gender-inclusive styles of leadership. According to Stanford University’s research, organizational culture is measured against two dimensions, including values, as well as how these values are distributed throughout the organization, also known as value crystallization.
For women leaders, at the end of the day, this represents a precious, albeit still underestimated, opportunity to lead as themselves. To lead with increased self-awareness, according to their values, and with a better cultural fit. In other words, to lead like women…
Do you get overwhelmed when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?
Do you feel the need to take breaks during busy days to get some relief?
As a child, were you perceived as “shy”, sensitive or introverted by your famiy and friends?
If you’re reading the above questions and nodding your head, you may very well be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). And you, like so many of us, may know it comes with a lot of beautiful rewards, but also some undeniable challenges…
In a Western culture built on external assertiveness, reward-those-who-speak-the-loudest kind of attitude, being sensitive or hyper-sensitive is often considered a weakness. In other cultures, such as in Japanese, Swedish and Chinese cultures for instance, sensitivity is highly valued. In the workplace in particular, and depending on the type of industry and business you may be in, it may even be construed as a serious hindrance. You may be asked to speak up more, or be more assertive, or judged as being anti-social or not sociable at all. Much of this is because very little is known about highly sensitive (HSP) people, and what is known tends to be mostly inaccurate…
According to acclaimed HSP research pioneer Elaine Aron, the HSP trait (yes, it’s an actual trait, NOT a disorder) is innate and occurs in 15 to 20% of people. HSP individuals’ brains tend to process information in a deeper manner, but also tend to get overstimulated in the face of chaos or intensity. Due to their natural caution and reflective attitude, HSPs are often falsely labeled as “shy”. This is actually inaccurate as unlike shyness, which is a learned trait, high sensitivity is an inborn trait. HSP individuals are also not introverted or inhibited, as can be commonly misconceived. As a matter of fact, 30% of HSPs tend to be extroverted. Due to gender socialization and conditioning, women HSPs can appear to display the trait more so than their male counterparts.
What does this mean in a work setting, especially for women HSPs?
While certain work settings such as loud meetings or stressful feedback settings can be overstimulating for HSPs, the latter tend to actually have qualities that make them assets to any organization. These qualities include exceptional visionary abilities, creativity, innovation, compassion, conscientiousness, loyalty, to cite a few. However, and unfortunately so, many, if not most organizations, undervalue and sorely miss out on these qualities by continuing to be culturally-biased against sensitivity. Assertiveness, boldness and rapidity of thought and action, which can lead to errors in judgment and performance, tend to be overly favored over empathy, depth of processing, and creativity, as well as innovation, all prerequisites of success in today’s more conceptual era. As a result, HSP employees are often falsely perceived as weak, slow, even “deficient”, and generally shamed. These types of negative treatments are often inflicted by managers with poor emotional intelligence, low self-worth, and lacking interpersonal skills, thus engendering toxic environments, cultural prejudice and bias.
If you are an HSP, you may have endured these types of situations, and hopefully have healed or are healing from these. The good news is, far from being a liability, your hyper-sensitivity is actually a precious asset to leverage in the workplace as well as in life. Here are some of the ways you can maximize the power of being hyper-sensitive in the workplace:
Focus on being self-aware
HSPs have an uncanny ability for self-reflection and self-awareness, both of which reinforce optimal performance and adaptability in the workplace. This is especially relevant after the COVID-19 pandemic, as adaptability is quickly becoming indispensable at work.
Use your critical thinking abilities
Research has shown that with sensitivity, comes the ability to process large amounts of information in deep and complex ways. This is an important advantage when it comes to strategizing, collaborating, organizing, and managing information in general.
Foster a team spirit
HSPs tend to show remarkable empathy and understanding of others’ behavior, due to active mirror neurons that literally help mirror others’ emotions and mental states. This is particularly helpful in a team context where emotional needs may impact morale, productivity and outcomes.
Keep your eye out for innovation!
Attention to detail and subtlety make HSPs particularly apt at highlighting opportunities for improvement and innovation, allowing organizations to improve, while generating additional revenue and saving money and resources.
Use your intuition!
HSPs have strong synthesizing minds and are able to identify patterns based on the amount of data they collect and process, thus leading to higher levels of intuition. This in turn plays a crucial role in making optimal decisions at the individual, team and organizational level.
Your thoroughness is one of your competitive advantages
Dedication, commitment and thoroughness are the hallmarks of HSPs. The latter are known for displaying exceptional professionalism and excellence in and outside of work.
But don’t lose sight of the purpose behind it all
HSPs tend to focus more on the big picture, drawing the “why” behind everything. As such, their leadership helps unearth the purpose, meaning and fulfillment needed to motivate others, while keeping organizations solid in the face of change and uncertainty.
Your integrity is key!
As they value equity, fairness and justice, HSPs tend to provide the support and foundation to create positive change and make a difference in any environment. Their word and commitment can also be counted upon and trusted, in and outside of the workplace.
Keep learning and growing
HSPs are renowned for their appetite for learning and growth. They are often the ones enrolling in continuing education, and always looking to acquire more skills and knowledge throughout their careers. As such, they’re assets to businesses and organizations, especially as change and uncertainty require increased and evolving skills.
Overall, being hyper-sensitive in the workplace, while potentially being an under-valued and even misconstrued quality in many workplaces, is undeniably a powerful asset. As such, it’s important for organizations, teams and individuals to understand and leverage the qualities that come with sensitivity.
Are you an HSP and have you worked with an HSP before?
Do you have the tendency to put others’ needs before your own? Do you feel like in order to gain acceptance, approval and even love from others, you must bend over backwards for them? Or do you overly focus on others more than you do on yourself? If you’ve nodded while reading this, chances are you are or have been a people-pleaser. Chances are also that it has negatively impacted your career…
People-pleasing is often the sign of low self-esteem or high self-doubt, often learned in childhood from difficult relationships with parents and caregivers. It often manifests through an over-eagerness to please, a tendency to over-explain or over-apologize, and an overwhelming sense of guilt or fear at being disliked or disapproved of, among other symptoms. While these characteristics are not exclusive to women, the sad reality is females tend to be socialized as such in many cultures and societies. Although this is slowly changing, little girls have been raised to be compliant, quiet, pleasant, and attuned to others’ needs rather than their own. Research has shown more women (54%) exhibit people-pleasing behavior than men (40%).
As a matter of fact, women who exhibit these so-called selfless, borderline sacrificial, tendencies, tend to be praised and lauded for these. Especially in a society where women are still being torn between motherhood and career, often under the false pretense of “having it all”, the pressure to people-please can be particularly damaging to women, most of all those with perfectionist tendencies and low self-worth.
In a work context, these people-pleasing tendencies can be exacerbated by the professional pressure to fit in, be agreeable and foster a harmonious work atmosphere. Gender stereotypes perpetuated in the professional world also contribute to these expectations being placed more on women than on their male counterparts. Here are some ways it can manifest for working women and what we can do about it:
Over-commitment
If you’ve ever felt over-committed and over-burdened at work, chances are this may be caused by people-pleasing tendencies. Being eager to please also means being afraid to say no, which may cause you to take on more assignments, agree to aggressive deadlines, and attend redundant meetings. Most of it stems from a fear to be rejected, punished or not well-thought of. The result? Burnout, exhaustion, anxiety and even deep-seated resentment and ager at oneself and others.
What to do about it: Practice the art of saying no! For a people-pleaser, this can be the ultimate challenge. However, you can start by affording yourself more time and space to make your decisions, rather than rushing into a premature “yes” that leaves you over-committed and anxious.
Lack of boundaries
If you find yourself working through lunch or late in the evening, not taking breaks, answering emails after-hours consistently, you may need to re-adjust your boundaries. In the post-COVID era where so many of us work from home and the lines between work and personal life have been deeply blurred, this can be challenging. However, it can also be a dangerous trap for working women and moms with serious people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies.
What to do about it: Practice setting and communicating healthier boundaries. While this can be a scary process for recovering people-pleasers, it can be made easier by starting with small steps. Start by taking back a few minutes of your time spent working during breaks and after-hours, and slowly graduate to having a more fixed and healthier schedule for yourself. Practice communicating your boundaries to your colleagues and co-workers, and sticking to them as much as possible.
Inability to take up space
Last but not least, a hallmark of people-pleasing is the inability to take up space. Whether it’s speaking up, expressing a need, taking a compliment or acknowledging a victory, people-pleasers have a hard time asserting their presence, accomplishments and overall worth. This can manifest through extreme quietness in group settings, fear to ask for opportunities or raises, or not stepping up for positions of leadership.
What to do about it: Start by targeting your mindset. What are the beliefs and thoughts you harbor that make you believe that you ought not to take up space? Identifying these through journaling or therapy can help reverse your internal dialogue, and instead replace negative, disempowering thoughts with empowering ones.
All in all, people-pleasing, which can be exacerbated and more pronounced in working women due to social and behavioral conditioning, can pose significant obstacles to career advancement for women. This is where awareness, conscious healing and support can help working women get mentally healthier, and thriving more in their careers and lives.
Have you suffered from being a people-pleaser at work?
