It’s one thing to set lofty goals for the future, especially as a year closes and a new one is about to open. It’s an entirely different thing to actually achieve them, and get what you want. So many of us run into this issue every time we set new goals for ourselves, or frankly recycle old goals into newer versions of what we think we should be accomplishing by now, whatever that may be.
While most of us may think that the goal-setting process is not exactly rocket science, it turns out that a large majority of people fail at setting clear goals. As a result, they fail at achieving them. Case in point: how many of us report failed resolutions and goals every single year?
The amazing thing about goals is that, when we take the time to set them well, can help us in creating the lives we actually want. Not the lives we feel that we have to live, but the very existences that fit us best and correspond to our dreams! It’s thanks to goals that we can muster the hope, vision and direction we need to design our lives! However, not having goals that are right for us, goals that inspire us and make us want to hop out of bed in the morning, have the opposite effect. Instead of creating the lives we want, they lead us to being exhausted, depleted, and without direction.
Actually, achieving our goals is much easier than we think, thanks to a few simple tips we can all apply to our goal-setting process, inspired by legendary coach Tony Robbins’ teachings:
Write the vision down!
“Write the vision” – Habakkuk 2:2
From the dawn of day, there has always been power in being able to write down your vision and goals, on pen and paper. Shut down the computer, grab your journal or a simple notebook, and write down those goals that have meaning for you. You will know that they are the right goals for you by the motivation and energy you feel when writing these down.
Act as if you had already achieved your goals!
This may sound a bit counter-intuitive, but stay with me! Having the core certainty that no matter what, your goals are going to come true is the ultimate way to achieve them. You’re not required to know the “how” or the “when”. Most times, the goals you set for yourself, the right goals for you, exceed what you’re currently capable of or your current circumstances.
Instead of trying to figure out how you’re going to achieve your objectives, or give up too soon because you don’t see a way, acting as if you had already achieved your goals gets you closer to them.
Ask yourself why you want to achieve each goal
This is an important part of the process that many, if not most of us, neglect. Instead of focusing on the motive and purpose of our goals, we tend to zero in on the outcome. Considering that the outcome is usually not immediately attainable, we then tend to get discouraged and give up too early!
Instead, ask yourself what each one of your goals means to you? Focus on how obtaining your desires will make you feel, as Danielle LaPorte teaches and recommends in her book The Desire Map. Make sure to write these down as well.
Rinse and repeat!
The goal-setting process should never be a one-time thing. Rather, it should be something you practice regularly. Don’t allow yourself to forget about your goals once you set them. Go back to them frequently, and review them over time. Make sure that you’re spending some time each and every day in the pursuit of these goals.
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‘Tis the season for cozy and stylish sweaters like this brushed lambswool cropped crew neck from J. Crew. I love the bright color of this luxurious and cozy piece, that you can pair with anything from trousers to pencil skirts. The cerise color is my favorite, but it’s also available in a gorgeous marled clover hue. It’s $79.50 at J.Crew.
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What do you think about when you think about setting up new goals? As the New Year approaches, and everyone scrambles to set lofty goals for the next 12 months, goals are the big thing! However, how many of these goals do we really accomplish? Actually, how many do we we even begin to work on?
The truth is, there’s a fundamental problem with the way we set goals. While we get motivated for the first few weeks or months after setting a goal, the initial motivation tends to fade away as we get tired, unfocused or just move on to other objectives.
So how do we set goals that actually work, instead of getting lost in targets we lose track of? As a matter of fact, setting ineffective goals contributes largely to making us bitter, angry and resentful, as we start blaming ourselves for targets that were never the right fit for us.
Over the years, I’ve had (and still do) my share of ineffective goals and objectives, like making it to the gym before my 85th birthday. Or learning to knit one day and make my children proud at their school’s Parent-Teacher conference. The problem with these goals: They don’t fit me. I’m neither an exercise buff nor a domesticated woman (although a nice pair of heels could convince me…).
As you start getting weary of setting the same goals that don’t exactly work every year, here are a few of the lessons I, and many others, have learnt about setting goals that actually work for you:
Learn to know yourself better, and what you really want
So many of us set goals without really knowing what we want. We decide that because Shady Susie’s got a promotion in her department, we should chase a bigger promotion. Or since Gossiping Gina just went on her second vacation this year, we should aim to top the Vacation Pool and jet-set all over the world on our last 401K loan. More seriously, many of the goals we set for ourselves have less to do with us than with some obscure need to validate ourselves.
Instead, let’s learn to know ourselves, and what we really want. Shut off the TV, turn off social media, and focus on what YOU really want out of your life. What have you been dreaming of since you were a child? What sets your soul on fire? Those are the real intentions that should motivate you from the inside out!
Commit to feeling good!
I credit The Desire Map book by Danielle LaPorte for changing my entire perception of how we should set intentions in our lives. Any goal that weighs you down, makes you feel pressured and not at ease may not be for you. This is not to say that we shouldn’t challenge ourselves to rise above the way we feel.
However, I believe that the right intentions for you should awaken an inner lightness, a clarity and a peace of mind that liberates you. Your intentions should help you transform into a better version of yourself. If the lofty goals you’re setting make you feel less worthy, drag down your relationships and kill your creativity, then they may not work for you.
Avoid meaningless goals
Goals that don’t carry meaning for you will have you feeling stressed out, depleted, and exhausted. Those are signals that you should re-evaluate how much meaning these goals have for you. Are you chasing that promotion out of a competitive streak instead of going after the purpose of your life? Are you doing it all for the money and forgetting to fulfill your destiny?
Set intentions that make you feel energized and filled with life. You will notice the difference once you start pursuing them, how different and better they feel. Trust your instincts, they know where you should be headed.
Do you even want it all?
One of the biggest obstacles to setting powerful and effective intentions instead of rigid goals is that we too often want it all. Society has us believing, especially as working women, that we can and should want it all. But do we really want all of it?
You’re allowed to want what YOU want, and not to have to run after every impressive goal set in front of you. That includes showing up with no makeup at the gym or letting go of a well-paid career to pursue your purpose.
Recognize your limitations
Listen, we all have limits. And that’s ok. It’s actually a good thing. Imagine being able to do everything? When would you sleep? But more seriously, our limitations are here to remind us to focus on our true purpose.
I know everyone else will tell you to face your limitations and overcome them. It’s a noble enterprise, but one that will leave you eating out your fingernails and losing your edges. Accept the fact that you don’t have a million-dollar budget (no, you don’t need to buy that yacht to parade it on social media just yet), that you’re not Naomi Campbell, and that you only have so many hours a day.
While there are times when you must rise above your limitations, like when you really need a mental health day before you cuss out your manager (and lose your Christmas budget), make sure to set intentions that let you live and not die!
Stop feeling guilty for wanting what YOU want!
Does Shady Susie’s extravagant lifestyle make you feel guilty for just wanting a day off at home on your own, with no crying kids? Or on the very contrary, does your missionary cousin make you feel bad for wanting to become a multi-millionaire entrepreneur?
Stop feeling guilty for wanting what you want. Wanting more is not a crime, neither is wanting less. Set intentions that truly reflect your inner truth, independently of your environment or pre-conceived notions.
Let go of goals that don’t serve you
Last but not least, holding on to goals that no longer serve us can prevent us from achieving anything worthwhile. I know for a fact that forcing myself to hit the gym on January 1st is a recipe for fitness disaster! When the same goals you’ve been dragging since 1999 are now making you feel like you’ve got a boulder on your ankle, it’s time to let go.
Many times, goals get passed on to you as well, like your mother’s undying wish to see you graduate from Medical School. It’s ok to get off the cultural or family goal bandwagon and set your own intentions!
What other tips do you have to set intentions that actually work in your life?
You know how it is. You do everything right at work, you’re working your behind off, and somehow you manage to miss a deadline. With so much on your plate, it can be so easy to overlook something due at one point or another. Without the right organizational tips, that is…
It all boils down to having a simple, yet effective organizational strategy. Very often, we struggle to create complex to-do lists, ineffective organization devices and unsuccessful planning tricks that leave us even more confused and scattered.
Here are 7 simple organizational tips you can easily add in your monthly and daily routine at work to make sure you don’t miss a beat (or another deadline):
Monthly:
Make a list of all weekly and monthly deliverables and the days on which they are due
Have a checking-in meeting with yourself on a monthly basis to take an inventory of all your deadlines and deliverables for the entire month. If possible, confirm it with your team and manager to make sure you’ve got everything due so far.
Set up an appointment on Outlook calendar on the day each deliverable is due
Add each deliverable or deadline to your Outlook calendar, or whatever electronic calendar you may be using. Make sure to add enough information for each deliverable or deadline.
Set up a reminder for all deliverables in Outlook calendar 1 day before due
It’s one thing to log all your deadlines in your Outlook calendar or any other electronic calendar. Adding a reminder at least 24 hours before the deadline is coming due helps to ensure that it doesn’t get buried in the pile of to-do’s that inevitably comes your way.
-Transfer all deliverables on written paper calendar
I may be old school, but there’s nothing like seeing something written right in front on your nose to send you a serious reminder about what you have to do. Add whatever deliverables or deadlines are coming due to that pretty paper calendar hanging in front of you in your office or cubicle. Being able to visualize your commitments and deadlines goes a long way towards helping you get organized.
Weekly:
List all deliverables for the week on planner
At the start of every week, it’s helpful to have some personal time with yourself, and establish your course of action for the week. Even if you’ve already done this at the start of the month, list all your deadlines and deliverables for the week. Things change, updates occur, and checking in with yourself at the beginning of each week is the best way to confirm it all.
Check in with manager as to all deliverables, and confirm if anything else needed
Ideally, you should check in with your manager and team to confirm you’ve got all the deadlines correct. Organizing a weekly huddle is an effective way to do this.
Check that everything due is on Outlook calendar
Once you’ve confirmed everything that is due that week, as well as any upcoming changes, make sure that all your calendars and reminders are correctly set up.
We’ve all been there, at those times when our lives and careers take a sharp turn, sometimes for the best, sometimes for the not-so-good. Whether it’s having a new job, losing a job, moving to a new city, getting married or having a baby, there are times when our friendships suffer the brunt of the changes happening to us.
As working women especially, it can be especially hard to manage all the obligations and commitments in our lives, as we’re constantly subjected to change. I know as I changed jobs, got married, had one then two kids, moved cities and made transitions in my life and career, my friendships had to undergo some changes as well.
Here are a few tips to manage your friendships through the ups and downs of life, career and business:
Learn to know yourself as you evolve and change
The first rule when it comes to managing your friendships as your life and career evolve is to start within. We all change as time passes, obligations pile up, kids are born and our careers or businesses change. Sometimes we can blame our friendships for changes that we ourselves failed to realize we were undergoing.
What are your new priorities? How have you changed your routine and habits? What are your new expectations? Start within and look at all the ways you may have changed which may impact your friendships. Sometimes, it is you who are changing the dynamics of your friendships, and it is ok. What’s not ok it not knowing yourself enough to understand who you are at each stage of your life, as well as what you want and don’t want out of your relationships.
Less is more: Quality over Quantity
The more complex our lives and careers get, which is bound to happen as we age and take on more responsibilities, the more important it is to simplify. Our friendships should also be simplified as well. Gone are the days of the big girls squad hitting every party around the block.
When it comes to friendships as our lives and careers evolve, less is more, and quality prevails. Remember that friendships, the real kind, are an investment of your time and energy. There isn’t enough time to cater to fruitless, purposeless relationships for old time’s sake or just because we feel bad letting go. Choose those relationships that are mutually fulfilling and beneficial, and keep your circle tight and supportive.
Re-evaluate your friendships often
Life doesn’t just change for you. It also changes and evolves for your friends. Which also means that previously thriving friendships may now be a drag on all parties involved. In the worst case scenarios, friends may actually turn into frenemies or even full-fledged enemies.
It’s important to stop and re-evaluate your friendships as often as possible. Remember that you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. Relationships that don’t allow you to grow and flourish set you back and hurt all parties involved. As difficult as it may be to admit that certain friendships have run their course, it’s necessary to evaluate where you stand and take the necessary measures, as tough as it may be.
Don’t forget to nurture your friendships
As life gets busy, our friendships may tend to take a backseat. As overwhelming as life may become, it’s important to remember to nurture our relationships. Whether it’s a phone call on the way to work, or checking in periodically, don’t let your friendships turn cold because your schedule is packed.
Set a date with your girlfriends to get together every now and then. Keep in touch via social media. Go on a retreat or getaway with your girls. Whatever it is, make some time to add some life to your friendships.
Don’t be afraid to form new friendships
I agree, it’s not when you’re in the middle of diaper changes, handling new work responsibilities or starting a new business that you’re exactly planning to make new friends. However, staying open to new relationships can pleasantly surprise you.
I’ve had the opportunity to meet wonderful women as I grew myself through my own career and business transitions. It was so refreshing to form new friendships with women who actually got me because we all were in the midst of shared experiences. You’d be surprised how friends you just met can prove to be lifelong relationships, sometimes more solid than relationships you’ve had for decades.
But beware of the wrong fit for you!
As much as you may want to be open to new friendships, be aware! As I mentioned earlier, relationships take time, effort and energy. The last thing you need is to squander your precious resources on unfulfilling relationships that leave you depleted, or even worse, betrayed and vulnerable.
In my 30’s, I’ve learnt to take it slow and allow for time to cement new friendships. I’m also learning to know myself better and evaluate early on whether a relationship is the right fit for me.
Don’t sacrifice your growth!
Last but not least, the biggest no-no when it comes to managing your friendships as your life and career evolve is to sacrifice your growth for them. A true friend would never ask you not to grow so they can be more comfortable. Anyone asking this of you is actually not a friend.
If you must choose between growing and salvaging a friendship, you must grow! Your obligation is to yourself first, and to being the best person you were created to be. You must put on your own mask first, there’s nothing you can do for anyone unless you’re whole! Having to make this choice should be the first indicator that your relationship is on the rocks anyways. Remember: you must choose you first!
What other tips do you have when it comes to managing friendships as your life and career evolved?
As a bookworm, there are many books I love to read and re-read, over and over again. There are actually too many for me to list. However, at the end of every year, I have as a tradition to pick the books I would like to read again in the new year, whether as related to self-development, business or career advice.
This year, there are seven books on my list of classics that have changed my perception of success and life in general. These are the books I keep on my bookshelf with the tag “Success” on them.
This is my all-time favorite, not just because my faith is based on it, but because it teaches so many true life and success principles. From the basics of integrity as people to the foundation of power and prosperity in life, the Bible is my go-to for inspiration and counsel in every area of my life.
The first time I read this book, the first question that came to mind was: “Why didn’t I read this before?” This classic book published in 1937 is the compilation of 25 years of research into the most brilliant, wealthiest and most powerful 20th century men’s mindset, from Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison and many more. If creating wealth and prosperity is among your goals, this is a must-read.
False fears and beliefs are the biggest barriers to success. In The Big Leap, author Gay Hendricks shows us to eliminate these barriers to success by identifying and eliminating these false beliefs. If you need to overcome any mindset blocks preventing you from getting to the success you’ve always dreamt of, this book is for you!
This is a bold and cunning book that will make you look at power in a totally different way! If you’re interested in gaining, observing or defending against power in your own life, career and/or business, or simply understand the rules of the game, this is a must-add to your bookshelf. From the need to be prudent to the value of confidence, it will teach you recognize and apply power for ultimate success.
Think getting rich is a mystery, or reserved to a lucky few? Think again. In this historic book published in 1910, author Wallace Wattles reveals the New Thought principles which bring the power of getting wealthy down to a science. Rhonda Byrne, the “Secret” creator, credits it for inspiring her.
This 20-year old book is still very much relevant, and not just in the personal finance arena. In this now cult book, Robert Kiyosaki explores the myth that you need to earn a high income to be rich, and instead teaches us what we (and our kids) need to know about creating real wealth. A must-read!
This fierce call to claim your personal power will have you motivated for months on end! Written by world-renowned high-performance trainer Brendon Burchard, it reveals that our main goal is to pursue Personal Freedom. In a defying work of art, Burchard pushes us to overcome our fears and self-doubt and take back our power.
This morning, my son and daughter were both painting their Santa figures. A peaceful Santa painting workshop quickly turned into a comparison war, as they both started comparing their mini works of art. Pretty soon, we had to break a kiddie war on who the next Picasso would be.
As I watched them, I realized how so many of us grow up to compare our looks, intellect, careers, businesses, down to our hair and the way our homes are decorated. From the times we’re taught by society as kids to be good or bad, taller or shorter, lighter or darker-skinned, richer or less rich, we start internalizing these messages. In turn, it becomes harder and harder as time passes by to stop this act of violence against ourselves.
Comparing ourselves to others is effectively denying our uniqueness, our God-Given talents, gifts and abilities. It’s doubting that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that no two of us is alike. Instead, it’s allowing the pressures of society, as well as our own self-imposed pressures, to not leverage what we have in front of us. If there ever were a distraction to success, comparison is definitely it.
How do we stop comparing ourselves to others when most of us are raised and socialized to do so? How do we manage, especially as working women, to withstand the demands of modern society and the influence of social media to run our own races? And how do we stay on track and on our own lane despite it all?
I’ve asked myself these questions one too many times. Growing up in a single parent family in Senegal, West Africa, being original was not exactly the priority. At the time, it was about surviving first, then making it second. Sometimes, when you’re coming up against the curve, your main parameters can come from others around you. And when you’re different, what seems to be the norm can also appear like your only parameter.
One good thing, actually probably the only good thing about comparing yourself to others, is that it stirs up a pain and uncomfortable feeling that signals the danger of it. Comparing ourselves to others is being violent to ourselves, and the frustration that comes from it clearly shows it.
Here are a few ways that I’ve learnt to stop the comparison train in my own life, and regained the peace and clarity necessary to pursue my own race:
Learn to celebrate others (without getting mad at yourself)
One of the biggest reasons why we doubt ourselves is that we fail to celebrate others. The more we celebrate others, the more we learn to genuinely be happy for others. Whenever we can muster the strength to clap for others, we learnt to appreciate everyone else’s individual journey and story without comparing it to ours.
Realize you don’t know what’s behind everyone’s journey
Very often, we envy others without realizing what hides behind their own journey. You’ve heard it before: “The average success story takes 10 years”. What this also means is that we don’t often see the trials, obstacles and failures on their path. We don’t see the sad moments, the times of discouragement, and the loneliness that has plagued many a successful person. Before you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else, consider that they may have to pay a price that you may not want to pay.
Trust your own journey
Every path is unique, so is every individual. What you can do is different from what anybody else can do. Your contribution to this world is uniquely tailored to your personality, gifts and talents. Comparing yourself to someone else implies that you don’t trust or honor your own path and uniqueness. The last thing you want is someone else’s journey.
Practice gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful towards honoring yourself and your own journey. The more grateful you are, the more you tend to celebrate your own blessings and accomplishments, and the more you tend to enjoy others’ as well.
Being grateful for everything in your life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, is like saying: “I am enough, I am right where I should be when I should be there!”
Celebrate yourself (even if no one is celebrating you)
Celebrating others is not enough. You must also learn to clap for yourself, without waiting on the approval of others. Celebrate yourself, take yourself out to dinner, treat yourself. Learn to periodically stop and appreciate how far you’ve come, in preparation for how far you’re going.
How have you stopped comparing yourself to others?
