I remember perusing article over article on negotiation tips while preparing for interviews as a young career woman. I had to do my research, come in with a certain number in mind, be assertive and not give in. Yet, somehow, more times than not, I ended up not even bringing up the topic of salary or compensation in general, blindly accepting whatever was given to me. The worst part was being disappointed at myself, gradually convincing myself (and others) that negotiating was not my strong suit.
Negotiation is a fundamental aspect of both personal and professional life that most of us cannot avoid. It also often carries underlying gender dynamics that not only influence the outcome, but also taint the entire process. This is also why recognizing these dynamics and understanding how to navigate them is essential for achieving successful negotiations.
Previous research shows undeniable gender differences in negotiation, as men have been proven to enter negotiations in larger numbers than their female counterparts. In addition, they’ve also been shown to get better deals when negotiating than women. It’s no surprise then that these disparities have given rise to significant gender gaps in wages and career advancement. However, more recent research concludes women do ask for raises and promotions in equal numbers than their male counterparts, but don’t get their requests satisfied. Even more recent research by Berkeley Haas professor Laura Kray, and co-authored by Vanderbilt University Associate Professor Jessica Kennedy along with Berkeley Haas post-doctoral scholar Margaret Lee in the Academy of Management Discoveries journal, confirms this fact. Contrary to popular belief fueling the gender-pay gap myth that women are at fault for not negotiating more, this last research actually demonstrates women negotiate their salaries more often than men, only to get turned down more.
While this body of research comforts us as to the fact that women should stop being blamed for not negotiating, it helps debunk an outdated, and hurtful, myth that has kept many women away from the negotiation table for way too long. It also reminds us to continue to strengthen our negotiating muscle as women, which heavily depends understanding the fundamental gender differences in negotiation. The better we understand, acknowledge and share these gender differences, the better we can fight related outdated beliefs and promote better negotiation outcomes.
Here are three of the main ways in which gender plays a role in negotiation, and how to effectively and purposely navigate these gender dynamics:
Stereotypes and Expectations
Gender stereotypes can, and do affect, the way negotiators are perceived. As women may be seen as nurturing and empathetic, while men tend to be perceived as more assertive and competitive, society tends to expect men and women to behave differently at the negotiation table. As a result of these expectations, women may feel pressured to be accommodating, while men might feel compelled to be more competitive.
Communication Styles
Research suggests men tend to adopt a more direct communication style in negotiations, while women may employ indirect or relational communication. Additionally, women are often perceived as better listeners, which can be an advantage in negotiation, allowing them to gather more information and build rapport.
Confidence and Self-Advocacy
Gender differences in confidence levels, also known as the confidence gap, can impact negotiation outcomes. A Cornell University study found men tend to overestimate their performance and abilities, while women tend to underestimate theirs.
In terms of self-advocacy, previous research has demonstrated when women advocate for themselves, they tend to experience negative backlash, which may keep them from doing so.
However, a recent 2021 study shows as younger women professionals enter the workforce, they may experience less backlash. However, persisting biases still make self-advocacy challenging for women. As such, men may be more inclined to self-promote and advocate for their needs, whereas women might downplay their achievements or put others’ interests first.
Here are some practical tips to counteract these three ways in which gender affects negotiation:
1. Be self-aware!
The first step in navigating gender dynamics around negotiation is self-awareness. Recognize how gender stereotypes may influence your own behavior and expectations. Reflect on your communication style, confidence levels, and self-advocacy tendencies in negotiation.
2. Preparation is Key
Irrespective of gender, preparation is crucial for successful negotiations. Research the negotiation topic thoroughly, gather data, and develop a clear strategy. Being well-prepared can boost confidence and mitigate the impact of gender-related biases.
3. Challenge Stereotypes
Challenge stereotypes by consciously defying them when they arise. If you’re a woman, don’t hesitate to assert yourself when necessary, and if you’re a man, embrace a collaborative approach when it suits the negotiation.
4. Embrace a Collaborative Approach
Negotiations need not be purely competitive. Embrace a collaborative approach that focuses on finding mutually beneficial solutions. This can be particularly effective in navigating gender dynamics, as it aligns with relational communication styles often associated with women.
5. Build Rapport
Building rapport is essential in negotiation, and it aligns with many communication strengths often attributed to women, such as active listening and empathy. Establishing a connection can create a more favorable negotiation environment.
6. Use Effective Communication
Regardless of gender, effective communication is key. Be clear, concise, and assertive when necessary. Employ active listening skills to understand the other party’s perspective fully.
7. Negotiate on Merit
Focus on the merits of your argument rather than gender-related expectations. Showcase your skills, achievements, and the value you bring to the negotiation. Let the substance of your proposal speak for itself.
8. Seek Mentorship and Support
Seek mentorship or support from individuals who have experience navigating gender dynamics in negotiations. Their guidance can provide valuable insights and strategies for success.
9. Negotiate in Numbers
Whenever possible, negotiate in groups or teams. Multiple voices can help mitigate gender bias and provide collective strength in negotiations.
10. Be Persistent
Overcoming gender dynamics in negotiation may require persistence. Don’t be discouraged by setbacks, and continue refining your negotiation skills over time.
In conclusion, as confirmed by research and experience, gender dynamics undoubtedly influence negotiations. However, they need not determine the outcome. By recognizing these dynamics and employing strategies to navigate them effectively, women can negotiate with confidence and success. Embracing your strengths, challenging stereotypes, and focusing on the substance of your proposals can help you reshape the negotiation landscape to ensure that gender is not a limiting factor but a source of diversity and strength in the negotiating room.
Get up, take care of the home, go to work, come back home, take care of the home and family, and do it all over again the next day… For many working women and moms, this is the song of dance we’ve been accustomed to for generations. Despite the advances towards gender equality and couple equity, many of which have been adversely affected, some even reversed with the COVID-19 pandemic, the song hasn’t improved much. If anything, its cadence has even increased, cumulating household, caregiving, and childcare responsibilities heaped on the minds, bodies and souls of women all across the US and the world at large. As a result, millions of women have exited the workforce, some due to lack of childcare support, others due to sheer burnout and exhaustion, most due to a virulent and urgent need to rethink and restructure the way of work as we know it…
The reality is, work as we traditionally know it, does not work for women and mothers. It never did…It wasn’t made to, after all. Work as we know it, even as it slowly seeks to morph into a more inclusive environment, was made for men with wives at home to support with the household, caregiving and childcare unpaid labor. Even as society’s advances made it easier for women to enter in and over time remain in the workforce, thanks to the advent of technological advances such as household appliances and childcare facilities, albeit insufficient, lessening the burden on women, significant challenges have and still remain.
While the COVID-19 pandemic was a wake-up call for many working women and moms, and society at large, shining the light on the tragic imbalances at the core of couple inequity and the general deepening gender inequality, it was also a signal of impending change. As the structure of work revealed the vulnerability of certain sectors mostly led and staffed by women, it also forcefully made way for more remote and hybrid arrangements. As a result, it’s become obvious that work can, and may well need to be, worked differently; that productivity is not necessarily tied to physical presence, flexibility is a working woman and mom’s ally, and lack of childcare is a crisis in and of itself. These factors, and many others combined, are leading a new discussion and thought leadership on how work should really be structured today to make room for more inclusive, diverse and equitable contributions and leadership.
For many, if not most, working women and moms, a familiar flame of struggle and progress has been re-ignited. It’s the same flame that prompted women to fight for employment outside of the home, to seek to enter careers only reserved to men, and to reject the notion of having to choose between family and career. Today, this familiar flame is seeking to burn bright over the inequalities and inequities still holding women back, and burn down the unfair vestiges of an antiquated childcare, caregiving and work structure.
As working women and moms, it’s also our prerogative to reflect on, discuss and implement the changes, at the micro and macro level, necessary for us to truly get back to work. Not the work we’ve known for decades, with its biases such as the maternal wall bias or performance review biases , ceilings and walls. Not the work that forces us to choose between family and career. Not the work that creates a societal chasm between genders, couples and families. Rather, it’s the work that strengthens us as it strengthens our families, communities and societies that we’re interested in getting back to. The work that recognizes women and moms as the legitimate other working half of society, with all the rights and privileges that entails. The work that is done on purpose, for a purpose, and with a purpose.
While many of these changes are to happen at a structural and foundational level, they also begin at the micro level through each and every one of us and how we choose to structure the work we do and the lives we live. It begins with:
Reflection:
Historically, the traditional structure of work has created a somewhat rigid organization and assignment of responsibilities, privileges and processes. By not making room for flexibility, change and inevitable progress, and upholding the status quo, this traditional structure of work has contributed for a long time to muting the professional aspirations and desires of many a woman. As such, it has also discouraged the natural process of self-reflection that accompanies all human evolution, regardless of gender.
It’s this natural process of self-reflection that prompts us to continuously take the pulse of our own evolution, to ask ourselves what gifts and talents we ought to use for ours and others’ benefits, what capacity we can expand to. Through self-reflection, we can challenge assumptions and status quo, positioning ourselves to create the changes we, and others, need.
When was the last time you made an inventory of your skills, gifts and talents? When was the last time you asked yourself whether you were operating at your full capacity, or stifling your own growth, thus depriving others of its fruits too? When was the last time you wondered what it would take for you to operate on purpose and gain fulfillment in this season of your life?
Planning:
Part of maintaining the status quo is about deliberately not changing or adjusting existing structures. When it comes to work, while many “quick” fixes have been implemented to attempt to remedy gender inequities, from increasing the number of women on boards to various gender-focused diversity initiatives, it’s the structural foundation that has to be addressed. I remember a good friend and colleague telling me years ago: “ The 9-to-5 is an antiquated relic, and will disappear someday”. As we navigate the post-COVID era, with the advent of remote and hybrid work, we’ve come across the realization that the structure of work can (and will) change without major repercussions.
This is where as working women and moms we can begin and continue to think about restructuring the way we work to our benefit, rather than putting up with work that runs opposite to our well-being, sanity and success. Re-imagining the way we work as women and moms entails not just performing a deep self, family and community assessment. It is also about making the often hard decisions required to get back to a different type of work. Some of these may require deciding on a change in schedules, a hybrid work arrangement, or a drastic change in employer or industry altogether.
Making the Change:
Last but not least, getting back to work, albeit this time work that actually works for working women and moms, also requires implementing the necessary changes. Whether drastic changes or minor scheduling adjustments, the reality is, on working women and moms’ obstacle-laced paths, changes, even when critically necessary, constitute yet another obstacle. Add to it the fact that many, if not most changes related to women, from access to certain professions reserved to men to even being allowed to work after having children, were challenging and lengthy to come by, to say the least. As working women and moms stand at the core of the family, the community and the society, any structural change affecting working women and moms also affect the latter.
This is where making a structural work change as working women and moms, such as negotiating flexible work arrangements, creating support networks, and advocating for policy changes, goes further than simply taking on new habits, or even setting systems and processes. Making effective, long-term and significant structural changes to the way we work and live, from changing our schedules to creating the support networks we need, involves:
Putting quality of life first: Determining and focusing on what constitutes our quality of life can help spot and pick the companies and businesses that offer more flexibility and well-being. It can also help in determining what needs to change both on the home and professional front.
Fostering open communication in and outside of home: Open communication requires identifying and addressing the issues we face. For working women and moms, open communication when it comes to our needs whether related to maternity leave or childcare support, can help amplify our voices and bring about much needed change.
Taking a stand and committing to long-term change: Making effective change demands having a long-term vision and commitment to it. What is the vision behind the change that needs to happen in our work and way of life? What is the “why” behind it, to fuel the commitment towards it? Realizing that some of these changes may well take more time than anticipated can also help keep us on track.
Overall, restructuring our work as a working women and moms to gain more purpose and fulfillment will require a similar struggle and progress than the women who have come generations before us. Yet, it’s a struggle and progress that also begins at the individual, family, community and societal level. One that requires reflection, planning and ultimately making the necessary changes.
How are you restructuring the way you work and live as a working woman and/or mom?
In this episode of the TCS podcast, I’m chatting about the cruel summer ceiling for working moms (in my best Taylor Swift voice). By summer ceiling, I mean all the obstacles facing working moms during the summer months as they juggle increased childhood, caregiving, and household responsibilities due to school closures, with career and personal demands.
I also share one of my favorite products recently, the Gal Pals Chill Pack from Opal, which helps you cool off any heat-stressed area around your chest, or any other body part. If you get really hot during the summer, just need to refresh after a sweaty workout, or need relief from menopause, perimenopause, pregnancy, or even an injury, fever or headache, this is the product for you. You can get yours here: https://tinyurl.com/chilltcs
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to this week’s episode! If you enjoyed this week’s episode, please share it by using the social media at the bottom of this post!
Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on Apple Podcasts !
In this episode of the TCS podcast, I discuss 10 tips to become a PhD mama, if that is your wish or if you’re currently going through the process yourself, or know someone who is…
Enrolling into a PhD program and actually completing it while raising kids, taking care of the home and being in a relationship or partnership is not for the faint of heart. As a matter of fact, it requires the kind of resilience, dedication and heart many are not prepared for…And this is exactly what I’m chatting about here….
Thanks for Listening!
Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to this week’s episode! If you enjoyed this week’s episode, please share it by using the social media at the bottom of this post!
Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on Apple Podcasts !
In it, I discuss the 7 principles outlined in the book, from welcoming and embracing disruption and change, to managing progress. These are also the 7 principles guiding the mission of The Corporate Sister.
Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to this week’s episode! If you enjoyed this week’s episode, please share it by using the social media at the bottom of this post!
Also, leave me a review for the TCS podcast on Apple Podcasts !
Going back to school as a working mom is a challenge. Enrolling into a PhD program and actually completing it while raising kids, taking care of the home and being in a relationship or partnership is not for the faint of heart. As a matter of fact, it requires the kind of resilience, dedication and heart many are not prepared for…
When I first began my doctoral program, I had not the slightest idea what it would really entail. Having made the transition from the corporate world to academia, the doctoral world was a foreign space for me. Needless to say, the learning curve was not only steep, it also seeped into every single area of my life and career, especially as a working mother. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish someone had prepared me for this uniquely challenging, but also uniquely rewarding journey. This is exactly the reason why I’m sharing these ten tips to successfully completing a doctoral degree as a working mom.
Choose a doctoral program aligned with your career plans
A PhD program is a substantial investment in time, energy and often monetary resources. Such a significant investment also means you must choose a path that is in alignment with your future career plans and your general life purpose. If, like myself, pursuing an academic career is of interest to you, then completing a doctoral program in your discipline of interest may make sense. If you’re also interested in doing or continuing research in a field of your choosing, a PhD may also be the best path. Lastly, if you prefer working in industry in a more analytical, research-based, and technical capacity, a doctoral degree may also be in the cards for you.
It’s a journey of resilience and dedication more than it is one of smarts!
Completing a doctoral program is a journey that will test you on more than one level. More than an intellectual accomplishment, it is a taxing marathon requiring courage, resilience, and dedication. This is where mindset plays a crucial role, as being prepared mentally and renewing your mental stamina over and over again is half the battle!
Keep an attitude of humility and gratitude!
One of the most challenging, yet most attractive aspects of completing a doctoral program is the almost infinite amount of knowledge you’re exposed to. The sheer amount of research and literature in existence around a given topic, and the amount of knowledge still to be created can be overwhelming to say the least. It really humbles you and fills you with gratitude at the prospect of contributing to creating knowledge through your own research. It’s also this attitude that keeps you on your toes and passionate about the work, even when the going gets tough.
It will seep into every other part of your life One lesson I learnt is that a doctoral program will seep into every other area of your life and career, mostly due to the sheer amount of work involved, the mental energy as well as the time required. A typical doctorate program lasts four to six years, however it can take longer to complete depending on the subject area, as well as the program and institution you’re in. As a busy working mom, this also means it will interfere with raising kids, doing your work, being in a marriage, and every other facet of your life and work. You can expect it to affect and impact your life in positive ways, such as an increased sense of achievement and purpose; but also in negative ways such as overwhelm and even burnout at times.
Learn to maximize the time you have!
No one knows better than a working mom how precious time is, especially when pursuing a terminal degree while raising kids and working full-time. This is where learning to maximize your time comes in handy. For me, it meant taking my laptop with me everywhere to fit in some time to study here and there. It also meant being willing to ask for and receive help, whether it was with childcare, housework, or even at work. Most importantly, it’s never underestimating the power of doing a little bit at a time. For a massive undertaking such as a terminal degree, it’s literally like “eating an elephant” bit by bit. Every little bit counts, and consistency is key to getting to the finish line.
Create pockets of rest and self-care
You may be wondering how you’ll ever find time to rest and recuperate when pursuing a PhD as a working mom. The trick is in creating pockets of rest and self-care each and every day, rather than waiting for an elusive block of time to recharge. The reality is, much of your downtime will be used to study and catch up on dissertation work, not to mention everything that just comes with being a working mother.
This is where creating pockets of rest and self-care over time is so important, whether it’s designating specific days of the week to study, or turning in early and reserving early mornings for doctoral work.
Create and nurture a like-minded community
Community is key to pursuing and completing a doctoral degree. Far from being an individual endeavor, it’s one that requires the support of like-minded individuals. Not everyone will understand, or care about, the challenges you may be encountering as part of your doctoral journey. As a matter of fact, the road to your PhD may feel very lonely at times.
However, surrounding yourself with people who have been through a similar journey, are going through it, or understand what it entails, can make all the difference. Even better, connecting with members of your own cohort may help in creating a sense of shared community, help with assignments and comprehensive exams, and provide a source of invaluable support during the dissertation process. This community also makes for lifelong friends and collaborators who can become co-authors of future publications and esteemed colleagues in the academy as well.
Less competition, more collaboration
In line with creating and nurturing a like-minded community, prioritizing collaboration over competition is key. This is especially relevant with a long-term endeavor such as a doctoral degree. In an environment that favors research and knowledge-sharing, collaborating with colleagues is more beneficial to everyone in the short and long-term.
Communication is key!
One of the most underrated skills when pursuing a doctoral degree, especially as a busy working mom, is the ability to communicate effectively. Communicating well with faculty and colleagues, especially at the final dissertation level, is key to saving precious time and reaching your goals faster and more effectively.
Don’t stop at graduation, stay open and curious!
Last but not least, a doctoral degree is a lifetime accomplishment and endeavor that doesn’t just stop at graduation. It’s a lifelong quest into learning and knowledge that can and will enrich your career and life in purposeful and meaningful ways.
All in all, completing a PhD as a busy working mother is certainly a challenging endeavor. However, with dedication, resilience, and an open perspective, it’s far from being impossible. It’s certainly a journey that has changed how I look at education and being a working mom.
Are you pursuing or interested in pursuing a PhD as a working mom?
When we think about building a great career, fulfillment and authenticity are usually not the first things that come to mind. I remember while growing up overhearing adults around me talk about what makes a great career. What I heard, and what stayed with me for the longest time, was that a desirable career was all about prestige, perks and of course, lots of money. And if you know African parents, it almost always meant you had to become a doctor or an engineer…What I didn’t hear was anything about building a fulfilling and authentic career on purpose. On the very contrary, it almost seemed you had to become someone else, someone different than who you were, in order to build the career of your dreams…
Like so many other working women and moms, I took with me the various pieces of well-intended career advice I was given while growing up, as I was starting to build my own career. As I was told, I looked for places of prestige, perks, and well…money. It wasn’t until years later, when disruption hit my life and the virulent itch of disruption and change took over, that I started questioning myself about what “having a great career” really means.
That’s when I began battling the call of my purpose with that of a well-padded paycheck…
When I began wondering if having to choose between my family and my work was really sustainable…
When I became clearer about the life and career I wanted to build for myself, my family and my community…
It’s also when I started wondering about what it means to build a fulfilling and authentic career as a working woman and mother…
As working women and moms, many, if not most of us, care about building a fulfilling and authentic life and career. A recent 2021 Gallup study shows while better compensation and work-life balance appear to be top priorities for both men and women, women rank factors such as work-life balance, the ability “to do what they do best”, and greater diversity and inclusion as most important. This is especially relevant after the COVID pandemic as women have been getting back to work more slowly than their male counterparts, as a result of lack of flexibility and caregiving support. Generally, employees all over the world are seeking more purpose and personal value in their careers nowadays, especially after the pandemic. More and more employees are engaging not only in what has been dubbed as the “Great Resignation” or this massive movement of employees out of the workplace in search of greater life and work meaning; but also in a process of “Great Reflection”, reconsidering what matters most to them in life and at work.
So how do we go about building more fulfilling and authentic careers as working women and moms already faced with so many constraints, biases and opposition in and outside of the workplace? How do we manage to work in more authentic and more fulfilling ways? Here are three tips from my own experience changing careers towards more authenticity and fulfillment of my purpose, which I discuss in my latest book “More: The Journey of Unleashing More of Who You Are”:
Awareness is key: Know who you are in each season
In order to build an authentic career, you’ve got to know who you are! As easy as it may seem, it’s actually the task of a lifetime to figure out who you are and who you keep evolving into, as each season of life is different. As a working woman and mom, it’s an even more daunting task to sift through all the clutter of societal and cultural gender conditioning and biases to uncover who you really are and what you really want out of your life and work in this current season. This is why developing consistent habits of awareness and mindfulness, and making a regular practice of checking in with yourself are so important!
Allow for disruptions and change
Crafting an ideal career aligned with who you are and your purpose also means taking the less-traveled road, often the one filled with uncomfortable disruptions and changes. As such, building a fulfilling and authentic career, and life in general, especially as a working woman and mom, is also about answering the call of change when it knocks on the doors of our comfortable lives, and being willing to be uncomfortable in order to accomplish our purpose. Paradoxically enough, it’s this very discomfort that allows us to grow into the most fulfilled, authentic and purposeful versions of ourselves.
Start where you are and use what you have!
Last but not least, starting where you are and using what you have is how you set the foundation of a more fulfilling career. This also means leveraging all your experiences, wins, setbacks and everything in between, from being a mother to failing in your latest work or business project.
All in all, building fulfilling and authentic careers as working women and moms is about being aware of who we are, allowing for disruptions and changes, and starting where we are and with what we have. While the process may be unpleasant at times, it’s what ends up leading us to crafting the work of our lives, on purpose.
Are you ready to build a fulfilling and authentic career as a working woman and mom?
