This morning, I was given the choice to pick between my son’s soccer game and doing some work. Considering I was backed up with late deliverables, and the limited amount of time I, like other working moms, get, the proposition was pretty tempting. Maybe I could even fit in a few pages of that book I’ve been trying to finish for weeks…As I was about to slide open my laptop, something in me made me reconsider. At first, I thought it was typical mom guilt rearing its ugly head yet again to make me doubt myself as a mother. But really, it wasn’t. What it was, was the unusual clarity one gets after quite a few years of struggling between ambition and family. This clarity that (gently) punches you in the stomach and reminds you where your unique, personal priorities are…For me, it was about knowing that in reality, I don’t have to choose between career ambition and family.
I was always ambitious. I also apologized for it a lot. I still do, every now and then, but I’m getting a lot better at catching myself. When I was single and mingling, it wasn’t too much of an issue. As I became a mom (which by the way is a constant process of becoming), things changed (of course they did). To be more specific, it all became more of a struggle. One filled with seemingly tough choices and life-altering decisions. Do I stay at the job that pays me less and leaves me unfulfilled in exchange for more time with my kids? Do I quit the exciting job that requires me to be away from my family more often than I can bear? Do I work from home and miss out on the face time that may be instrumental to my career? Or do I make peace with the fact that the babysitter is really raising my kids and not me? And these are only a few of the questions that everyday working moms ask themselves day in and day out…
The struggle between ambition and family is real for working moms. We may call it mom guilt, dress it as motherhood penalty, or commiserate at how unfair society is. Yet, the reality is that we’re still left with the remaining pieces to put back together and deal with ourselves. As much as we may be tempted to blame corporations, businesses, our partners, leaking diapers, and society as a whole, it’s a fight we still have to wage on our own. One that taught me to trust and develop the clarity I needed to make the right choices for me, not anyone else’s…
If I may share, here are a few of the principles which have made the difference for me, as I struggled between ambition and family:
It’s not a dilemma. It’s a gift.
For many working moms, struggling between ambition and family is a dilemma. A headache-inducing, life-altering dilemma. Hence our self-imposed need to choose between the two. So we settle for not being all there as working moms, or not being all there at work, whether it’s in unfulfilling positions or by abandoning the career ship altogether.
Yet, studies have been revealing that contrary to public opinion, kids benefit from having imperfect, flawed working moms. That after all, we don’t have to make ourselves miserable by forcing ourselves into choices that kill us. It’s actually a gift to nurture our ambition as working moms and still be able to love our families. It’s also a gift that we leave to our kids without us having to say much. What if we could simply reframe what we view as a dilemma into the gift of having options instead?
It’s not about sacrifice, it’s about fulfillment
Sacrifice, a word I’ve come to dislike, especially after becoming a mom. Sacrifice implies negative feelings and emotions. Sacrifice implies negating oneself, at the risk of offering a diminished version of ourselves to our families and the world at large. Sacrifice leaves a sour taste in our mouths, infiltrating our hearts with an insidious, albeit silent, seed of resentment and entitlement.
I don’t want to tell my kids about how much I sacrificed for them. I don’t want them to feel like they owe me, like they now have to dedicate their lives to paying me back. I want them to know that welcoming them in my world and raising them is a privilege and a source of fulfillment and joy. That I remained true to myself not in spite, but because of them. That although there were challenges, that these made me stronger, closer to the best version of their mom that I could be. And that I didn’t have to choose between my ambition and them, because ambition manifests in different ways, one of which is to honor my first job as a mom.
The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back
Lastly, whenever I find myself caught in the quagmire of parenting decisions, this is the one mantra that brings me clarity: “The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back”. The time to spend with my family, to witness their milestones, watch their sports games, laugh at their jokes, will not come back. But the work, even my most ambitious, passionate, and fulfilling work, will be there, after I put them to bed, during early mornings, and in between errands.
The promotion will be there, not because I gave up on being a mom, but when I’ve grown into the version of my own brand of working mom that will receive it, and receive it well. The business will flourish, not because I’ve missed bedtime stories and soccer games, but when the time is right for this working mama. In the meantime, I’ll be a mom and I’ll continue working, in the imperfect, flawed, and fulfilling way that works for me.
And that morning, I did end up shutting the laptop down and going to my kid’s soccer game. He scored two goals, I nodded for a half-minute because: tired, and I still got to write a couple of blog posts in the afternoon and answer a few work emails while dreaming about the best way I could pay someone to wash and detangle my ‘fro….It was a good day.
Welcome to our career, entrepreneurship, lifestyle and fashion weekly news roundup! Think of it as your online watercooler/work gossip station/coffee break spot for now…Want to add anything to our list? Email us at corporate@thecorporatesister.com!
This week in the news, we were quite shocked at the college admissions scandal that’s rocking the news. Forbes Real Time explains this privileged child problem;
I remember as a younger girl, looking at successful, high-achieving women around me and dreaming of being just like them, down to their seven-inch stilettos and perfectly polished hair. Even as a little girl, I was already in awe of all that women could do. In my then-lack of maturity and experience, I believed that if only I could replicate exactly what these women did or said, down to how they laughed, sat straight, and drank their mint tea, I would also be successful. Just like them…
Fast-forward a few years, a few jobs, a couple of kids, and this one grey hair that for some reason keeps popping up in the middle of my head, and this little girl has learnt (and is still learning) a thing or two about success:
That success is well-being first, and has nothing to do with status, position, title or money;
And that most importantly, success is not replicable. We may be inspired by others, but we’re not them, and they’re not us. You can only be successful like you, and you get to define what that is.
However, it can be easier said than done. As working women and moms, we deal with so many demands and expectations on our time and energy, from well-meaning family members to colleagues at work and business partners. We have to be good moms, wives, partners, friends, sisters, ace our careers, make time for fitness and oatmeal face masks, while still keeping our sense of humor intact. If you add to it the highlight reel that is social media, you quickly realize how tempting it can be to fall into the mold of society. To look to others not just for inspiration, but for models to replicate, instead of following our own path.
In my own experience, here is what choosing to be successful like you and build your own lane requires:
Unlearn society’s negative messages
We internalize so many messages from society, from early childhood on, as to what we should do and not do. Most of these are aimed at satisfying the people around us. If you have African or Indian parents, you know you may have been expected to become a doctor or engineer. As a little girl, you may have been expected to keep your voice quiet or not discuss your accomplishments.
A big part of building your own lane of success is to un-learn these messages, which for most of us, have become entrenched in our beliefs. Replace them with positive and uplifting affirmations that speak to your power rather than your limitations.
Ask yourself: What does success mean to me?
I didn’t ask myself this question until I became a mom and simultaneously started hitting a professional and personal wall. I was no longer excited about much (part of which was due, as I realized later, to post-partum depression), and wasn’t sure which way to go in my life or career. That’s when I started re-defining what success meant to me. Did it mean being a good mom, getting the next promotion, making lots of money, or a combination of all these?
It’s only when I started defining what my own brand of success means to me that things truly changed for the best. For me, it meant then a series of small and big things, such as being able to spend time with my kids, finding time to write, teaching and learning, for instance. What I also realized is that my definition of success keeps evolving as I grow and continue to shift as an individual. And that’s ok, as long as it’s still MY definition and not anyone else’s…
Who do you have to become in order to achieve your own version of success?
We talk a lot about achieving goals, fulfilling objectives, as we keep our attention turned towards something to happen in the future. Then when we achieve these goals and objectives, we bask in their glory a bit, only to crave more goals to go after. Does that sound like a rat race to you? Because it is…
It occurred to me a few years back that it’s less about WHAT we want to get, than WHO we we were made to become. That it’s really about feeling happier and fulfilled, more than it will ever be about stuff, titles or positions. Nowadays I try to replace as much as possible the question: “What do I have to do today?”, with “Who am I becoming, and what does that require me to do?”.
So yes, I still hang out with this little girl inside of me who used to revel at the sight of these well-dressed, impressive, high-achieving women around her. And I still am tremendously inspired by all the wonderful ladies surrounding me…But what that little girl has started saying instead is: “ You know what, I want to look like ME when I grow up”…
If you’re finding yourself in situations when you’re not thriving at work, the temptation may be to blame external circumstances or even other people. And you may be justified to do so…It may after all be the boss who’s not giving you the right opportunities, or the company which may not be the right fit for you. You may be facing personal events that are not allowing you to focus and thrive in your work. While all these things may be true, there are almost always a few things you need to let go of as well and which may explain why you’re not being successful at work.
I remember having a conversation with a trusted friend a few years back. As I went on and on about everything that was not quite right about work, she said one thing that made me think twice: “Maybe it’s not just the work, you need to let go of the stuff that’s weighing you down…”
This made me think about all the baggage, both personal and professional, we take with us into our careers and business, not realizing that they may account for some or a large part of our lack of success at work.
Instead of continuing on the path of blaming external people and circumstances for not doing so well professionally, here are 3 things you may need to let go of:
Your limiting beliefs
Many of us have formed limiting beliefs since childhood, often from well-meaning adults. Parents and family members come with their own limited beliefs and tend to pass these on to their kids. “I’m shy”, “I’m not well-spoken”, or “I’m not powerful”, are examples of these beliefs that you may have gleaned from something a parent or family member may have said to you in early childhood. Without realizing it, you may have taken this with you to work or in your business. As a result, you may believe that you’re not able to accomplish certain tasks or that other people are a certain way.
Identify your limiting beliefs, or the things you believe about yourself which may not be true. What do you find yourself telling others or yourself about you? Are these things positive or limiting? If limiting, then it may be time to change the story you tell yourself about yourself.
Your fears
What fears do you carry with yourself in the workplace or in your business? Are you deathly scared of rejection? Do the opinions of others matter so much to you that you tend to freeze before any accomplishment? Is your fear of money keeping you stuck in an unfulfilling career or business? There may be many fears that may be blocking your success at work.
Identifying these fears can go a long way towards reducing the professional obstacles in your way. Once you know what you are truly afraid of, you can more easily challenge or fight it.
Last but not least, one of the most surprising reasons why you may be stalling at work (and in life) has everything to do with forgiveness. This was taught to me by a high-performance coach who specializes in helping individuals maximize their potential. Carrying around resentment towards others creates negative energy that turns into procrastination, fear or just lack of energy and motivation.
Who do you need to forgive? What negative energy based on anger or resentment do you need to let go of? This right here may be one of the solutions to the blocks you may be experiencing at work.
How many times have you switched from one task to the other, anxiously trying to get through your long to-do list as fast as you could? Or absent-mindedly listened to the kids, while furiously answering emails? Or almost dropped the phone in the dinner pot while talking your boss through a last-minute work snafu after-hours? I bet more than once…As working women and working moms spread thin between all our obligations and commitments, it may seem that we work all the time. We work at work, and then we work some more at home, most often switching back and forth between the two in an attempt to be more productive.
This is exactly the conversation I was having with my girlfriend the other day, as we both were complaining on our way to work about how much we had to do, all the time. There never seemed to be an end to what had to be done, accomplished, or finished.
According to this Michigan state study, women tend to multi-task 10 hours more than men do. Yet, abundant research shows that multi-tasking does not improve performance at all. It actually makes us more prone to making mistakes and being less efficient and effective. As a matter of fact, going from task to task not only makes us less productive, but it also hurts our creativity and memory. It’s also detrimental to our well-being in general, as we may tend to feel more overwhelmed and anxious.
As an ambitious overachiever with more ambition than actual stamina, I, like so many other working moms, was tired of burning the candle at both ends. After reading umpteen books about organization and productivity to no avail, squishing my to-do list every which way, and complaining to whoever was available to listen, I decided to give the whole “mindfulness” concept out. Being mindful is basically being more focused in the moment, which I could certainly use in the midst of the confusion around me. Thankfully, it’s a skill that can be learned and acquired over time through the practice of meditation for instance.
For me, it began with committing to a regular meditation practice. The simple act of focusing my attention on my breathing helped me increase my attention skills. Which in turn helped me focus more, so I could actually accomplish more in less time. The most challenging part was to consciously limit my multi-tasking tendencies. While I haven’t succeeded just yet at completely eliminating multi-tasking from my life and work just yet, I’m getting closer each day.
Here are a few of the ways mindfulness has changed my life and work as a working woman and mom, and can change yours too:
Being more present
“Mommy, are you here?”
When my son asked me this question on a day we were stuck at home due to a snow storm, as I was trying to fit in some work and brownie baking all at once, I had to stop for a minute. He was right. I wasn’t being present. I was trying to do too many things at once, botching both in the process, and getting more frustrated by the second. Now I try and ask myself as much as possible: “Am I here or am I trying to be in more than one place at once?”
While I apply this mostly at home, it has made a significant difference in my work as well, by refraining from multi-tasking. Instead, I choose to focus on one single task at a time, even if it may seem that it takes longer. The result? Better outcomes overall, less mistakes, and most importantly, more peace.
Practicing gratitude
We live in a culture that tends to value commiserating and complaining. After all, misery loves company, right? Wrong. A while ago, I saw some positivity campaign on social media advocating a 30-day no-complaining challenge, which I tried for the sake of it. Shall I mention that I barely made it through the first hour? I started realizing how much I had gotten used to not being grateful for everything I had.
The more I read about practicing gratitude and tried it myself, the more I could feel the benefits. Writing 5 or 10 things I ‘m grateful for makes a major difference in my day. Although my circumstances didn’t change much, neither did traffic or the state of humanity, it just felt better to be more appreciative. The better it felt, the better life and work felt. Interestingly enough, the better the results I got as well…
Focus on feeling good
This may sound counter-intuitive (at least it did to me in the beginning), but I believe it to be the key to success, whatever your definition of success may be. There’s power in positive energy and thoughts, and that’s exactly what feeling good is. The more I put myself in situations where I felt good instead of miserable, the more my thoughts would positively change. As a result, the more positive the results too…
Conversely, when not feeling well or dealing with challenging circumstances, going for a quick sweat session or run, putting on a funny movie, laughing with a friend, would change the trajectory of my day. Hence, the importance of doing what we love and surrounding ourselves with people who bring out the best in us.
I remember when I first dreamt of studying abroad as I was nearing the end of high school in my native Senegal. Despite being a stellar student and coming from a comfortable middle-class, single parent family, achieving my dream of an elite higher education, especially in the US and without the governmental assistance which had gone missing as I came up, seemed far-fetched. Like most of the intentions I would set in life…
I was always a dreamer. A Big dreamer at that. I guess that would be the predictable outcome of being an only child for the first 10 years of my life and developing too fertile an imagination as a result. But the question always was, where do I start? What do I do with all these big dreams?
As you’re contemplating your own BIG dreams, you may be asking yourself the same question. Where to start? What to build on? In the worst case scenario, or what you may perceive to be the worst case scenario, you may even ask yourself if you’ve got anything to build on. What if your dreams, goals and objectives seem to have nothing to do with your past or current reality? Maybe you have a dream of starting a business yet have no entrepreneurial background, come from a family of conservative bureaucrats and have been raised to be risk-adverse? What if your goal is to be financially free, despite being thousands in debt, not having any financial knowledge, and being your household’s sole provider?
I was ok starting where I was, but where I was did not look much like of a start. At least not in the direction I was aiming to go…Until a dear mentor of mine got me out of my own head and into the vast immensity of Possiblity we often all but ignore…
Any experience is a teacher. Make an inventory of what you’ve learnt
Look around you. Mark Zuckerbeg dropped out of college to start Facebook. Spanx founder Sara Blakely was working as a door-to-door salesperson before starting her multi-million dollar company. Everywhere, high school and college dropouts are starting businesses and changing the world. Moms are creating solutions to daily life problems the savviest of inventors could not come up with People with no formal training in a discipline are revolutionizing fields they had limited exposure to. And how is that happening?
These people are simply starting where they are. They’re gathering their own experience, their own education, personality, intuition and feelings, and drawing questions and answers from these. If you’re a mom, you know how to manage chaos, how to prioritize your tasks, what problems you face and possible solutions to these. You don’t need a formal degree to know these things. It’s part of your DNA. As a writer trained in business and accounting, I’ve gathered years of experience in both fields, to which I can add the fact that I speak different languages, am a mom and a wife, and navigate this world as an introvert. All these various part of my experience and personality make me uniquely skilled to tackle challenges and problems someone else could not.
What do you have in your experience, personality, journey, connections and all areas of your life that you can use? Look at how far you’ve come, and how much you’ve gathered in terms of skills, abilities, and knowledge. This also includes the failures, mishaps and mistakes…
That’s where you start…
Now look at re-purposing all that you’ve acquired
Managing a team at work is quite similar to managing an entire household without missing a beat, which moms do day in and day out. The same skills you may have used selling lemonade in your little stand at 4 or 5, will come in handy when you start your own business. The determination and perseverance you displayed after losing that job is what will keep you going after receiving that 20thletter of rejection from publishers.
It’s in my earliest days, in some of my hardest experiences, when I had no idea what I was doing, that I learnt the most. Those are the days of small beginnings that have taken me this far. When I start doubting my ability to continue, take on a challenge, or pursue my dreams, I go back and remember all that I have learnt. Most of the time, I find that I’ve been through a similar situation, and am able to re-use what I’ve learnt, whether positive or negative. Even failures are there to point me towards what I would rather manifest.
Can you remember experiences, events, skills that you may have buried in the back of your minds that you can re-use to serve your path forward? These do not have to be related to the filed you’re looking into, but can still be used,
Create a plan that is customized to you
The way you achieve your dreams and accomplish your goals and objectives is unique to you. This is precisely because you have been through experiences, accumulated knowledge and skills, and have a one-of-a-kind personality.
This is why there is no point comparing your process to anyone else’s. Your path is uniquely dependent on who YOU are.
As women of color at work, and frankly as any working woman or man, being in an inclusive professional environment can make a world of difference. But what is an inclusive workplace really? According to Linked In, an inclusive workplace is a “ working environment that values the individual and group differences within its workforce”.
If you are a woman of color, you know how important being in an environment, especially professionally, that values who you are and embraces your differences is. In other words, being in a place where you feel valued, integrated and welcome can be the catalyst to your productivity, efficiency, and most importantly, your overall happiness. There are countless studies that prove that a diverse and inclusive workforce is also one that is more productive and innovative. Employees tend to work better, and stay longer in these work environments as well. Not to mention the positive impact on employee well-being, health, as well as collaboration between co-workers.
So how does one recognize an inclusive workplace, especially as a woman of color? What if you are interviewing for a new, exciting position, and are not sure whether you’ll be stepping in an inclusive environment?
Although it can be challenging to recognize an inclusive workplace, there may be some signs you can pick up on early on:
Analyze the job description
Even before applying for a position and going through the interview process, you can tell a lot about a work environment by the company’s job descriptions. You can read a lot about your potential future place of work by the tone used, as well as the feel you get of the company culture. Does it seem that the language used seem to appeal to a particular gender? Do you notice a certain pattern when reading multiple job descriptions?
Check out the company’s website and social media presence
You can go one step further and navigate through the company’s website and social media sites. Companies committed to diversity and inclusion usually express it through their online presence. It’s also usually reflected in their values and mission statement.
Can you perceive that they’re committed to the community at large? Do they express their belief in creating a diverse workplace? Do you get a sense that you’d fit in?
Explore company reviews
You can also check out the reviews of the company, through sites like Glassdoor for instance. However, you may want to consider these reviews with a grain of salt, as they may present particular employee experience. For women in particular, the website InHerSightrates companies based on women’s reviews. You may also directly ask other employees who may have worked, or be working at this company, their personal and professional opinions.
Consider their benefits packages
Company benefits can also reveal quite a bit about a company’s efforts towards inclusiveness and diversity. Do their maternity leave benefits show they care about new parents? Are flexible schedules offered? How much vacation time is available? The answers to these questions may help you assess the inclusive nature, or lack thereof, of the business you may be considering working in .
Observe your interviewers
During the interview process, your interviewers may be a reflection of the company itself. Are you exposed to a diverse panel of interviewers? Do their questions and shared information reveal a lack of inclusiveness? Are they skipping the topic altogether?
Ask directly during interview process
You can also directly inquire during the interview about the company’s commitment to diversity and inclusion. Usually, at the end of the interview process, you have an opportunity to ask your own questions. At this point, it may be wise to ask about certain aspects of importance to you, such as flexibility, benefits and overall company culture.
Trust your gut
Last but not least, trust your gut and intuition. Before and during the interview process, you will get a sense of whether a certain company is a right fit for you or not. Take into account the way you feel as you make your decision.
