As I’m drafting this email, I’m reeling from the last Women of Color in the Academy Conference I attended last week. The theme of this year’s Women of Color in the Academy conference in Boston, held at Northeastern University, was all around self-care as women of color in academia. From dealing with micro-aggressions to developing negotiation skills, aligning with our vision, and growing as a scholar and academic, the topics covered were deep, vast and overall extremely empowering.
While the content of the conference itself was top-notch, it was more so the fact that so many professional women of color within a profession were gathered together in the same rooms. To be able to see familiar faces in a career and business setting was nothing short of amazing. As women of color, we’re most often in working environments with very few of our counterparts, if any. This reinforces the sense of isolation many, if not most of us, may feel in the context of our work, which in turn exacerbates negative patterns such as Impostor syndrome, lack of self-confidence, poor negotiation skills, and so much more.
There is something about representation that strengthens one’s ability to perform at optimal levels. Studies suggest that women of color are unfortunately less supported at work.According to this 2016 Catalyst report, the latter even tend to pay an “emotional tax” translating in a constant sense of being under-valued and having to be cautious at work. These hurdles due to lack of adequate representation, among other factors, have proven to be extremely detrimental to women of color.
As such, going from environments sorely lacking in diversity to having the opportunity to enjoy and leverage this diversity during women of color conferences goes a long way. This is the main reason why women of color conferences are critical to the latter’s growth, balance and flourishing, both professionally and personally. Aside from this, these conferences are also needed to:
Women of color conferences do provide the advantage of creating a platform to share common experiences and find tools to grow through these. They are also a powerful source of networking, in addition to nurturing a wider pool of diverse talent. Imagine if each woman of color could recommend another woman of color for opening positions across organizations and institutions?
Share and develop best practices
Women of color face unique challenges and situations that require unique solutions. These are the types of solutions and best practices that are discussed and developed during these conferences. In turn, these best practices can help improve organizations as a whole.
This is the reason why women of color conferences virtually act as masterminds to craft best diversity and work practices in general.
Start a conversation that can be continued in our workplaces
Last but not least, women of color conferences have the advantage of starting important conversations on diversity and equity. After these conferences, attendees tend to go back to work more open and willing to continue the conversation.
What has been your experience attending women of color conferences?
I used to be really good at apologizing. About anything and everything. But especially about being ambitious, and scoring successes, when I did. Most times, I would flat out lose myself in effusive, long-winded apologies. Other times, I would side-step positive and negative comments alike by attributing the whole thing to luck, other people, or a particularly conspicuous alignment of the stars. Like so many other working women and moms, I would mold, diminish, and excuse any potential seed of ambition or success, so as to fit in better, be more accepted, and not attract too much suspicion. Until I learnt to stop apologizing for career ambition or success…
You know the feeling, right? That thing you may call humility, or remembering where you come from, that keeps you in your place, reminding you not to overstep your self-imposed boundaries. Not to speak your truth, reach too high, or pat yourself on the back…Don’t get me wrong. Humility in its essence is a great quality. Humility as a shield against the fear to step into who we really are is an excuse. A sorry one at that…
As young girls, many of us are told to keep quiet. To care about and for others’ feelings. To not overshadow others, and be conscious of how others feel. Yet, as women, and as working women and moms, we quickly start realizing how making too much room for others also means not making enough room for ourselves. Which often translates into constantly apologizing for whatever professional ambition or success we may have. It then leads us into a vicious cycle that feeds lower self-esteem. However, there are ways in which we can stop this vicious cycle and finally quit feeling guilty for our success:
Understand your triggers
There are many reasons why we may apologize for our success, and a host of triggers that may set us off. These may differ from individual to individual. However, it’s important to understand what your own triggers are. What makes you believe that you’re not worth any of the praise and recognition you so rightly deserve? Who instilled in you a sense that you may not be worthy? When did you stop believing in your true talent and abilities?
Change the story you tell yourself about your success
The story you tell yourself about yourself will change the way you perceive your own achievements. If you’ve been suffering from Impostor Syndrome, you may also have been telling yourself that you don’t deserve your achievements. Or that at any moment, the rug could be pulled from under your legs and you will lose all your hard work.
Own your achievements
Last but not least, practice owning your achievements. This is something that may take some time if you’ve never done it before. Take some time to see yourself as deserving of your accomplishments. Learn to not necessarily attribute all the credit of your hard work to everyone else but yourself.
It’s time stop feeling sorry for all your hard work, and instead embrace how far you’ve come. It starts with you acknowledging your own worth, by understanding your own triggers, re-framing your story and finally owning your achievements.
I have a soft spot for single moms, as I was raised by one. If you ask me, single moms are right up there with the best of superheroes. In addition to being mom and dad, they hold down and businesses, while keeping a roof over their heads and raising kids on their own. Which means they also can be under financial pressure as they strive to bear the financial burden of being a single parent. This is where single moms can use tax credits and deductions to help…
If you’re a single mom, you know all too well what the financial burden of raising kids on your own is. What you also must know is that you have access to tax tools and tips to ease the weight. Here are 4 things you must know when filing your taxes:
You might want to file as head of household
As a single mom, you can get a lower tax rate by picking the head of household filing status rather than filing single or married. The head of household filing status requires you to be unmarried as of the last day of the tax year. Another condition to file under this status is that your children must live with you for more than 6 months of the year. Additionally, you must pay more than 50% of the expenses to support your home.
You must show that your children qualify as dependents
In order to get tax credits and deductions related to your children, you must show that they qualify as dependents. If your child resides with you, you may be able to claim him/her as such, according to the IRS’ custodial residency test.
However, the father may be able to claim the child as a dependent even if said child does not reside with him if:
The child’s father and yourself are legally separated or divorced, or you lived separately for the last 6 months of the year
The child’s father and you have legal custody of said child
Half of the support of the child was provided by the parents for at least 6 months of the year
You provide a written agreement not to claim the child as a dependent or there is a legal agreement made before 1984 allowing the father to claim the child as a dependent.
All the above conditions must apply for the child’s father to claim the child as a dependent.
You can deduct your childcare expenses…
Is your dependent child 12 years or older? Do you pay for daycare so you can go to work or look for a job? Do you have an income, are a full-time student, or are unable to care for yourself? In this case, if you answer yes to all these questions, you may be able to claim the childcare tax credit, as long the care provider is over 19 years old, is not the child’s parent, and is shown on your tax return. However, if your employer helped pay for any of these expenses, their contribution must be deducted from your expenses.
Don’t forget to include the child tax credit
After 2017, if you’re a single mom filing as head of household and you make less than $75,000, you can now claim a child tax credit of $2,000 for each child. This amount used to be $1,000 for tax years before 2018. However, this credit caps at incomes of $200,000 and beyond for single or head of household filers.
Keep in mind that your child must be 16 years old or younger to qualify. He/she must eb your dependent and can be your son, daughter, brother, sister, stepchild, stepbrother, stepsister, niece, nephew, grandchild, or legally adopted. Additionally, he/she must have resided with you for at least 6 months, be a US citizen, US national or resident alien. Lastly, he/she must have received more than half of his/her support from you.
This morning, I was given the choice to pick between my son’s soccer game and doing some work. Considering I was backed up with late deliverables, and the limited amount of time I, like other working moms, get, the proposition was pretty tempting. Maybe I could even fit in a few pages of that book I’ve been trying to finish for weeks…As I was about to slide open my laptop, something in me made me reconsider. At first, I thought it was typical mom guilt rearing its ugly head yet again to make me doubt myself as a mother. But really, it wasn’t. What it was, was the unusual clarity one gets after quite a few years of struggling between ambition and family. This clarity that (gently) punches you in the stomach and reminds you where your unique, personal priorities are…For me, it was about knowing that in reality, I don’t have to choose between career ambition and family.
I was always ambitious. I also apologized for it a lot. I still do, every now and then, but I’m getting a lot better at catching myself. When I was single and mingling, it wasn’t too much of an issue. As I became a mom (which by the way is a constant process of becoming), things changed (of course they did). To be more specific, it all became more of a struggle. One filled with seemingly tough choices and life-altering decisions. Do I stay at the job that pays me less and leaves me unfulfilled in exchange for more time with my kids? Do I quit the exciting job that requires me to be away from my family more often than I can bear? Do I work from home and miss out on the face time that may be instrumental to my career? Or do I make peace with the fact that the babysitter is really raising my kids and not me? And these are only a few of the questions that everyday working moms ask themselves day in and day out…
The struggle between ambition and family is real for working moms. We may call it mom guilt, dress it as motherhood penalty, or commiserate at how unfair society is. Yet, the reality is that we’re still left with the remaining pieces to put back together and deal with ourselves. As much as we may be tempted to blame corporations, businesses, our partners, leaking diapers, and society as a whole, it’s a fight we still have to wage on our own. One that taught me to trust and develop the clarity I needed to make the right choices for me, not anyone else’s…
If I may share, here are a few of the principles which have made the difference for me, as I struggled between ambition and family:
It’s not a dilemma. It’s a gift.
For many working moms, struggling between ambition and family is a dilemma. A headache-inducing, life-altering dilemma. Hence our self-imposed need to choose between the two. So we settle for not being all there as working moms, or not being all there at work, whether it’s in unfulfilling positions or by abandoning the career ship altogether.
Yet, studies have been revealing that contrary to public opinion, kids benefit from having imperfect, flawed working moms. That after all, we don’t have to make ourselves miserable by forcing ourselves into choices that kill us. It’s actually a gift to nurture our ambition as working moms and still be able to love our families. It’s also a gift that we leave to our kids without us having to say much. What if we could simply reframe what we view as a dilemma into the gift of having options instead?
It’s not about sacrifice, it’s about fulfillment
Sacrifice, a word I’ve come to dislike, especially after becoming a mom. Sacrifice implies negative feelings and emotions. Sacrifice implies negating oneself, at the risk of offering a diminished version of ourselves to our families and the world at large. Sacrifice leaves a sour taste in our mouths, infiltrating our hearts with an insidious, albeit silent, seed of resentment and entitlement.
I don’t want to tell my kids about how much I sacrificed for them. I don’t want them to feel like they owe me, like they now have to dedicate their lives to paying me back. I want them to know that welcoming them in my world and raising them is a privilege and a source of fulfillment and joy. That I remained true to myself not in spite, but because of them. That although there were challenges, that these made me stronger, closer to the best version of their mom that I could be. And that I didn’t have to choose between my ambition and them, because ambition manifests in different ways, one of which is to honor my first job as a mom.
The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back
Lastly, whenever I find myself caught in the quagmire of parenting decisions, this is the one mantra that brings me clarity: “The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back”. The time to spend with my family, to witness their milestones, watch their sports games, laugh at their jokes, will not come back. But the work, even my most ambitious, passionate, and fulfilling work, will be there, after I put them to bed, during early mornings, and in between errands.
The promotion will be there, not because I gave up on being a mom, but when I’ve grown into the version of my own brand of working mom that will receive it, and receive it well. The business will flourish, not because I’ve missed bedtime stories and soccer games, but when the time is right for this working mama. In the meantime, I’ll be a mom and I’ll continue working, in the imperfect, flawed, and fulfilling way that works for me.
And that morning, I did end up shutting the laptop down and going to my kid’s soccer game. He scored two goals, I nodded for a half-minute because: tired, and I still got to write a couple of blog posts in the afternoon and answer a few work emails while dreaming about the best way I could pay someone to wash and detangle my ‘fro….It was a good day.
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This week in the news, we were quite shocked at the college admissions scandal that’s rocking the news. Forbes Real Time explains this privileged child problem;
I remember as a younger girl, looking at successful, high-achieving women around me and dreaming of being just like them, down to their seven-inch stilettos and perfectly polished hair. Even as a little girl, I was already in awe of all that women could do. In my then-lack of maturity and experience, I believed that if only I could replicate exactly what these women did or said, down to how they laughed, sat straight, and drank their mint tea, I would also be successful. Just like them…
Fast-forward a few years, a few jobs, a couple of kids, and this one grey hair that for some reason keeps popping up in the middle of my head, and this little girl has learnt (and is still learning) a thing or two about success:
That success is well-being first, and has nothing to do with status, position, title or money;
And that most importantly, success is not replicable. We may be inspired by others, but we’re not them, and they’re not us. You can only be successful like you, and you get to define what that is.
However, it can be easier said than done. As working women and moms, we deal with so many demands and expectations on our time and energy, from well-meaning family members to colleagues at work and business partners. We have to be good moms, wives, partners, friends, sisters, ace our careers, make time for fitness and oatmeal face masks, while still keeping our sense of humor intact. If you add to it the highlight reel that is social media, you quickly realize how tempting it can be to fall into the mold of society. To look to others not just for inspiration, but for models to replicate, instead of following our own path.
In my own experience, here is what choosing to be successful like you and build your own lane requires:
Unlearn society’s negative messages
We internalize so many messages from society, from early childhood on, as to what we should do and not do. Most of these are aimed at satisfying the people around us. If you have African or Indian parents, you know you may have been expected to become a doctor or engineer. As a little girl, you may have been expected to keep your voice quiet or not discuss your accomplishments.
A big part of building your own lane of success is to un-learn these messages, which for most of us, have become entrenched in our beliefs. Replace them with positive and uplifting affirmations that speak to your power rather than your limitations.
Ask yourself: What does success mean to me?
I didn’t ask myself this question until I became a mom and simultaneously started hitting a professional and personal wall. I was no longer excited about much (part of which was due, as I realized later, to post-partum depression), and wasn’t sure which way to go in my life or career. That’s when I started re-defining what success meant to me. Did it mean being a good mom, getting the next promotion, making lots of money, or a combination of all these?
It’s only when I started defining what my own brand of success means to me that things truly changed for the best. For me, it meant then a series of small and big things, such as being able to spend time with my kids, finding time to write, teaching and learning, for instance. What I also realized is that my definition of success keeps evolving as I grow and continue to shift as an individual. And that’s ok, as long as it’s still MY definition and not anyone else’s…
Who do you have to become in order to achieve your own version of success?
We talk a lot about achieving goals, fulfilling objectives, as we keep our attention turned towards something to happen in the future. Then when we achieve these goals and objectives, we bask in their glory a bit, only to crave more goals to go after. Does that sound like a rat race to you? Because it is…
It occurred to me a few years back that it’s less about WHAT we want to get, than WHO we we were made to become. That it’s really about feeling happier and fulfilled, more than it will ever be about stuff, titles or positions. Nowadays I try to replace as much as possible the question: “What do I have to do today?”, with “Who am I becoming, and what does that require me to do?”.
So yes, I still hang out with this little girl inside of me who used to revel at the sight of these well-dressed, impressive, high-achieving women around her. And I still am tremendously inspired by all the wonderful ladies surrounding me…But what that little girl has started saying instead is: “ You know what, I want to look like ME when I grow up”…
If you’re finding yourself in situations when you’re not thriving at work, the temptation may be to blame external circumstances or even other people. And you may be justified to do so…It may after all be the boss who’s not giving you the right opportunities, or the company which may not be the right fit for you. You may be facing personal events that are not allowing you to focus and thrive in your work. While all these things may be true, there are almost always a few things you need to let go of as well and which may explain why you’re not being successful at work.
I remember having a conversation with a trusted friend a few years back. As I went on and on about everything that was not quite right about work, she said one thing that made me think twice: “Maybe it’s not just the work, you need to let go of the stuff that’s weighing you down…”
This made me think about all the baggage, both personal and professional, we take with us into our careers and business, not realizing that they may account for some or a large part of our lack of success at work.
Instead of continuing on the path of blaming external people and circumstances for not doing so well professionally, here are 3 things you may need to let go of:
Your limiting beliefs
Many of us have formed limiting beliefs since childhood, often from well-meaning adults. Parents and family members come with their own limited beliefs and tend to pass these on to their kids. “I’m shy”, “I’m not well-spoken”, or “I’m not powerful”, are examples of these beliefs that you may have gleaned from something a parent or family member may have said to you in early childhood. Without realizing it, you may have taken this with you to work or in your business. As a result, you may believe that you’re not able to accomplish certain tasks or that other people are a certain way.
Identify your limiting beliefs, or the things you believe about yourself which may not be true. What do you find yourself telling others or yourself about you? Are these things positive or limiting? If limiting, then it may be time to change the story you tell yourself about yourself.
Your fears
What fears do you carry with yourself in the workplace or in your business? Are you deathly scared of rejection? Do the opinions of others matter so much to you that you tend to freeze before any accomplishment? Is your fear of money keeping you stuck in an unfulfilling career or business? There may be many fears that may be blocking your success at work.
Identifying these fears can go a long way towards reducing the professional obstacles in your way. Once you know what you are truly afraid of, you can more easily challenge or fight it.
Last but not least, one of the most surprising reasons why you may be stalling at work (and in life) has everything to do with forgiveness. This was taught to me by a high-performance coach who specializes in helping individuals maximize their potential. Carrying around resentment towards others creates negative energy that turns into procrastination, fear or just lack of energy and motivation.
Who do you need to forgive? What negative energy based on anger or resentment do you need to let go of? This right here may be one of the solutions to the blocks you may be experiencing at work.
