While ambition may be viewed a tad negatively for women, it’s largely considered a positive trait in men. After all, the breadwinner’s role is one that has been considered male for ages, and with it the embodiment of ambition and the pursuit of success. Yet, what happens when an ambitious man and woman find themselves joined together as partners? Whose ambition comes on top and whose ambition must subside? Or is it possible that both sets of aspirations be equally satisfied? In an ideal world, we would wish so. In the real world of cultural and societal norms, morning traffic jams and kids’ temper tantrums, dual ambition is way more complicated than coordinating schedules and sharing dreams of ruling the world.
Take a regular family of four with a generally positive family atmosphere. Both parents have demanding yet flourishing careers. They also have dreams of climbing to the heights of their individual fields, and make no secret of it. In the midst of their dual ambition, life happens, what with its heavy load of poopy diapers, sleepless nights with sick children, kids pick-ups and drop-offs, etc. While both parents are heavily invested in their family, the mom carries the larger share of the unpaid household work and childcare needs. Since she happens to have more flexibility than her partner, which she willfully arranged for after having children, she devotes a large chunk of her time to caring for the family. Yet her ambition has not left her, so she puts in extra hours at night and early in the morning, catching up on work to further her career. By most accounts, it all seems to work, as the father helps a lot, and the entire family appears to juggle heavy schedules, extra-curricular activities and even work travel. What does not appear is the invisible, silent burden carried by the ambitious woman behind closed doors.
In many cases, the scenario above is an ideal one. As a matter of fact, this may be an ideal scenario. In a study analyzing the perceptions of children in dual career families published by the National Council on Families, adolescent children in these families tend to see their lifestyles as generally positive. In many other scenarios, ambitious, dedicated women also have to contend with being single parents, or caring for elderly parents; or the family dynamics are not as positive. Yet, even in what may be considered to be a less-than-ideal scenario, there is an unavoidable power struggle of ambitions and a no-less avoidable yielding of one in favor of the other.
While there are certainly cases of male partners who temporarily or permanently put their careers aside in favor of their female partners’, these seem to be more the exception than the rule. In most instances, dual ambition in a family also means women may have to adjust and regulate theirs to match the tune of their environment, which may also translates into a loss of earnings as well as opportunities, not to mention the significant amount of relational and personal stress created. How can we, as working women, find our place when we find ourselves in the midst of the dual ambition power struggle created by two demanding careers within one family unit?
Don’t be afraid to have the honest, tough conversations
Marriage and romantic partnership are far from easy to manage to begin with. When we add to it the pressures of two demanding careers, the stretch can bring most couples to the brink of destruction. Add to it a couple (or more) of kids, unending laundry, sticky floors and counters, and you’re in for quite the stressful ride…
This is why it’s so important, especially as working women and moms, to not be afraid to have the honest, raw, tough conversations with your partner. These are the talks about personal ambition, life goals, and even daily scheduling that many, if not most of us, dread having. As women, it may be tempting to avoid them altogether because truth is, we’ve hardly been socialized to demand the space we need in our relationships. However, in couples with dual demanding careers, and in any couple in general, it’s a must without which the whole relationship can be in peril.
As intimidating as it may be, schedule some time to sit down around a glass of wine (or the kids’ apple juice because you didn’t make it to the supermarket this week), and chat about questions such as: “Where do you see your career’ going?”, “What are your dreams?”, “Will you be traveling?”, “Who will care for the kids when we’re both at work?”, and other life and relationship-altering concerns…This may well save your marriage or relationship in the long-run.
It’s a game of give and take
In couples and partnerships with dual, demanding careers, a healthy exchange of give-and-take is inescapable. While women, even bread-winning wives, tend to provide a larger chunk of the household unpaid work, they cannot do it all (sorry ladies, we are superwomen, not unbreakable). This also means that there has to be some level of support provided by the other partner in the relationship, and/or outsourced to external sources of help such as outside caregivers, cleaning staff, etc.. Without this, maintaining dual demanding careers is virtually impossible. Even when it’s physically done, the mental, emotional and spiritual toll it takes on women outweighs any other wins, career or otherwise.
Setting up the foundation for this give-and-take requires honest and frequent communication as to the needs of both partners. This is especially relevant as individuals, along with their career goals and ambitions, change over time. Priorities need to be re-assessed constantly, and integrated into daily life with intentionality and care.
Realize that society is not yet ready for complete equity for women
I remember being extremely disappointed at myself for not being able to hold it ALL together as a working mom, including the kids, the marriage, the house, the job, and everything else that really matters to me. However, what I failed to realize then, was that we still (and probably will for quite some time) live in a society that is far from being ready for female equity. From infrastructures to work and everything in between, much of the world as we know it has been created from a historical perspective to cater to the interests of men. Modifying antiquated structures of society will take time and require patience, understanding and compassion for ourselves and others.
This is also a call to realize that we all play a role into creating the society we would like to live and thrive in as working women. We may not be there yet, but each and every one of our choices, from the way we manage our relationships to how we work, has an impact on designing the kind of lives we want to create.
How do you deal with dual, demanding careers in your marriage or relationship as a working woman/mom?
Every time I mention Dear Husband is the one who does most of the cooking in our household, I, and pretty much everyone else around, cannot help but notice all the ensuing oohs and aahs. “How lucky I must be!”
“What a rare stroke of good marital fortune I must have happened to miraculously stumble upon?’”
To have a partner who “helps” at home…
While by all accounts, I married quite an extraordinary partner, I also realize that much of the reactions I, and other non-traditional and frankly non-domesticated women according to most traditional standards, are deeply embedded in age-old cultural norms.
As a woman born and raised in Senegal, West Africa, I’m all too-familiar with many of these norms. Those that dictate that certain roles are stereotypically assigned to women, while others, more glorious ones, are reserved for males. The same cultural standards rooted in the arbitrary male default that Caroline Criado Perez talks about so eloquently in her book “Invisible Women“. According this “male default”, the universal standard in pretty much anything has always been set to be male, which in turn, has created a pattern of “otherness” for women.
As a result, mostly everything around us, from the local infrastructure to the division of roles in the household, has been historically set to cater to the activities and needs of men, by design. Research by the IMF has found that on a global scale, women perform three times the amount of unpaid work than men do. This also means four times the amount of housework, and twice the amount of childcare, provided by men. These statistics are not historically surprising when you think of how traditional societies used to operate. However, when you consider that in most modern families, both parents work, this also translates into a dire situation for working women. One where, whereas the home may be viewed by men as a place of relaxation, it usually is working women’s “second shift”, or work after work.
Isn’t it any surprise then that society at large, women included, view spouses or partners who pick up any “extra” portion of the heavy household load reserved for women as exceptional? Or that the fact that a male partner would “help” in the carrying out of household chores would be quite outside the norms? Even that as working women we may resent, or fear (or both) the prospect of a male partner taking on roles traditionally reserved to us, because it may mean that somehow we’re breaking generational cultural norms? And can we blame them or us, for that matter?
Yet, truth is, we no more need our husbands or partners’ help, than we need an elusive “rest day” dedicated to catching up on week-old piled up laundry. What is needed really, and not just by working women, is a re-thinking of the cultural norms supporting the unfair distribution of unpaid work alleviated by the prospect of occasional partner “help”. Because as long as we glorify the “help”, the crucial integration of work and life will keep wobbling towards further imbalance for all. Until we can re-imagine society in a way that challenges deeply embedded cultural norms into modern times, we may keep stumbling upon the same age-old obstacles…
Does this mean ideologies and mentalities will be changed overnight? That through some holy egalitarian magic, gender equity for all will become reality? Certainly not…
Yet, what it may mean is that there is a growing need to educate society as to what women need, from better schedule considerations, down to transportation and zoning regulations that stand harshly in the way of providing adequate and affordable childcare and elder care. Because what women need, is what society needs…And that doesn’t require just help, it requires active participation and investment, and it starts at home…
So dear husbands, we don’t need help, we need your buy-in…
As working women, the challenges facing us at work and in life are numerous. While many of these challenges come from external circumstances, some of them are very much internal. As a matter of fact, some of the most powerful obstacles that keep us trapped at work and in life stem from our own mindsets.
In my own experience and that of many working women I’ve had the privilege of talking to, there are lethal, self-limiting belief systems that stand in our way. I’ve struggled with these belief systems, and still do from time to time. The good part is, these thoughts have helped me realize crucial realities about myself that have in turn allowed me to grow and evolve. Like me, you may have dealt or may be dealing with these same negative belief systems. You may recognize some of these here, and how to use them as information and fuel rather than deterrents to our purpose:
I’ve never done this before
How many times have you said this to yourself, when faced with a new task, a new job, or even a new relationship? Yet, it’s one of the biggest fallacies out there, preventing you from growing, evolving and challenging yourself and the status quo. Truth is, most of what is going to help you learn, grow and get to the next level, whether in your career or personal life, is going to be outside of your comfort zone. It will be something you’ve never done before, or imagined doing before.
As an introverted homebody who likes my comfortable spot on the couch with a comfortable book and cup of coffee, getting out of my comfort zone has been a stretch. Yet, it’s in unfamiliar environments, speaking to or teaching an audience that I have learnt the most. In the end, I’m learning to choose growth over comfort.
I’m not enough/I shouldn’t be here/ I’m not qualified enough
Most negative self-beliefs are rooted in this one thought: “I’m not enough!” It may have been something said to you, or inferred by a well-meaning person early on in life, or a thought you believed in after a traumatic experience. Whatever its source, it may have transmuted into a major block in your work and life. In your career, it may manifest as impostor syndrome, rooted in a general low sense of self-esteem. As a woman, you may be particularly prone to it through society’s conditioning and negative messages around the false limitations of womanhood.
This is one belief I’ve had to learnt to re-wire in my mind and life. Learning to increase your sense of self-worth is not only possible, it’s one of the most generous gifts you can offer yourself as a working woman. It may require you to invest in therapy, self-care, and mindset work, but in the end, it will prove to be the best investment you’ve ever made.
What are they going to think?
If like myself you’ve grown up in social settings where the opinions of others are highly valued, you may have asked yourself this question over and over again. As an African woman, community has always been important to me, and this in highly positive ways. Yet, the downside of this is that it may create a need to conform to others’ opinions of us, which may turn dangerous on our path to accomplishing our purpose.
While caring about others is important, holding their opinions of us over our heads is a sure formula for disaster in all areas of our lives. Learning to detach ourselves from others’ opinions in a healthy and considerate way is absolutely necessary to allow oneself to evolve. For me, it means respecting others’ opinions while committing to pursuing my own path.
It’s too late / It’s not the right time/I don’t have enough time
Change tends to happen at the most inconvenient times. Often, it feels like it’s too late, or it’s not the right time. Such beliefs end up keeping up from moving forward at work and/or in life. We think that we’ve missed our opportunity, that the door has closed for us, which is often misleading.
Deciding to back to school in my late thirties, I felt like it was way too late for what seemed like starting over again, especially after getting married and having kids. Yet, seizing the opportunity at an apparently inopportune time has proven to stretch and teach me in ways I could not have imagined. It is never too late, and the time is always right to do what’s right for you…
Have you been grappling with any of these negative belief systems or any other? How have you been dealing with these?
As I listened to my fellow Bible school teacher recount how she got passed over for a promotion that was rightfully due her, I couldn’t help but recall my own feelings and profound sense of despair at experiencing the same thing years before. The shock and hurt on her face looked all too familiar, as I was reminded of my own shock and hurt when told I didn’t have what it took then to make it to the next level in my career.
It’s a disappointing, hurtful, and also confusing realization that can hit you like a ton of bricks, even when you’ve prepared yourself for it. As a Black working woman in the professional world, and as minorities in general, it can also be debilitating and perplexing as we tend to ask ourselves the real reasons why we may have gotten passed over for a promotion we have worked so hard for.
Being passed over for a promotion at work stings. For many, if not most of us, it’s a huge blow to our hard-working egos, an attack to our work ethic, and the sometimes bewildering realization that we may be failing at our careers. It doesn’t just put in question our work, it also puts our life goals and personal abilities in stark perspective. As women, it may dig into our sense of self-esteem, revive our impostor syndrome demons, and deter us from further progress. According to this survey of 400 participants by Fairygodboss in partnership with the Female Quotient and Progyny,men tend to be promoted by men, and women tend to be advanced by women in the workplace. Considering that most decision-makers in companies are men, it’s easy to understand why women lag behind in terms of promotion.
As women of color, it can rekindle the painful fire of possible discrimination, and exacerbate the sense of not being up to par or belonging that we’re already too familiar with. As a matter of fact, this research study on minority perception of exclusion and promotion hurdles confirms that minority candidates tend to experience significant obstacles to promotion due to social exclusion, and are only advanced when their track records are deemed to be sufficiently superior than their majority counterparts. Overall, its impact can be devastating, humiliating and downright handicapping for way too many of us.
The good news is, as painful as it may be, losing a promotion doesn’t spell the end of one’s career. As a matter of fact, it may just be the single occurrence that can propel your career forward as a working woman, if and when you’re ready to reap the lessons from it and build yourself up in the midst of disappointment and loss. Here are a few ways to turn this loss into one of the most momentous gains for your career and life:
Dare to ask why
One of the biggest mistakes I made when losing a promotion early in my career was to not ask why. I was afraid my inquisitiveness would be perceived as disrespectful or challenging the status quo. Even worse, I was terrified of losing my job, especially now that I felt that my career was in greater peril than ever. As one of the only minorities in the office, I was scared that one wrong move would mean career suicide. So I remained silent, swallowing the blow as stoically as I could muster, blaming myself for reasons I couldn’t fully understand, despite some of the feedback given me at the time.
I have since then learnt to speak up more at work, especially when faced with something I may not fully understand. Not in defiance or with aggressiveness, but as a way to better understand and act upon the situation at hand. You cannot improve or learn from any situation if you don’t fully grasp its meaning. Besides, asking the reasons behind a loss of promotion also opens the door for another woman to do the same, while increasing your chances of progress.
Use the power of accountability
Speaking up at work also means holding yourself and other parties involved in this decision to be held accountable. It’s when you understand the reasons behind any loss, that you can devise a plan for improvement and hold yourself accountable to it. Even better, it’s a powerful way to hold your manager or the powers at be accountable to monitor your future progress and give you credit for it. A large part of asking for feedback is also to devise a step-by-step process to improve future outcomes, and agree on a timeline to take action.
There are certainly instances when some promotion-related decisions are unfair. Even so, it is still crucial to use the power of accounting on yours and other parties’ behalf to improve the situation at hand.
Turn your loss into lessons
“What is this teaching me?” This may not be the first question you may be tempted to ask yourself when faced with the loss of career advancement. Yet, it may be the single most impactful question you can manage to muster here. Losing a promotion, and any failure in general, can teach you a wealth of lessons about yourself, your environment and others. What if there are skills you need to improve on? What if you’re an excellent employee but your leadership skills are in need of honing? What if this is not the right fit for you and you may need to make a strategic move?
Many successful working women’s careers or businesses took a turn for the better when they were willing to learn from their career failures. As such, this may be more of a blessing in disguise than you may think.
Now go ahead and act!
You may learn a wealth of lessons and garner invaluable information from losing a promotion at work. However, it may all go to waste if you don’t act on these. For some, it may mean re-considering your existing skills and maybe investing additional courses or classes. For others, it may be a matter of taking a deep look within and assessing your entire career path. Others may find that it may be time for a lateral move, or even a break entirely.
Whatever you may be called to do after being passed over for a promotion, honor yourself by taking action and growing from it. This is not the end, neither is a permanent stain on your path, or an indelible reflection on you. It’s an occurrence in your career and life that doesn’t and should never take away from who you are and what your bring to the table as a working woman. Most importantly, it’s an opportunity to grow, learn, and get closer to the best version of yourself…
Have you been passed over for a promotion? How did you cope?
Welcome to the Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
This week, we’re sayin good-bye to one classy and beautiful actress, as Black Enterprise is remembering the legacy of Diahann Caroll who passed away this Friday at 84. May she rest in power!
In positive news this week, Forbes reports that this merger leads to a top-women led, minority-owned investment firm on Wall street;
Fall is upon us, and Working Mother lists the 10 best Fall festivals for families all across the country;
Time’s up for the pay gap, and Recruiter tells us how we can avoid waiting another 200 years for pay parity;
Zen Habits breaks down why we never have enough time and what we can do about it;
On The Corporate Sister, we’re confirming that for us working moms, it’s not the physical, but the mental load that is really getting to us;
Financial Inequality starts at home, and Business Insider tips us off on how to combat it as parents;
Want to reduce, re-use and save more cash? Making Sense of Cents has a few tips for you;
Worried about protecting your personal time? Corporette lets you in on a few tips;
Fashion alert! Fashionista lists the best 93 online sales in the next 48 hours and you don’t want to miss it.
Sometimes, the path chooses you. Sometimes, it’s not just you putting your ducks in a row, carefully planning for your future, dressing up your 5 or 10-year plan, and getting your coins in order. Sometimes, you seem to stumble upon a career and life path you may not even have seen coming, treading on waters you never suspected you’d be even touching…Many refer to it as the accidental career, the road less traveled they ended up traveling on, when it appeared as though they were destined for something entirely different. Or so they thought…
As a self-proclaimed introvert, it seemed as if I stumbled upon a path of teaching and writing that often made me more visible than I thought I could handle. For someone who enjoyed peace and quiet, and was often told as a child that I was too “timid”, stepping in front of a classroom or an audience felt strange at first. Sharing written words would feel awkward too. After all, I had initially picked a safe, reliable accounting career that would allow me to quietly work behind the scenes while providing me with a comfortable financial cushion. Over time though, my business and writing career expanded and morphed into a path that chose me more than I picked it…Or so I thought…
If you’re reading this, and are unsure as to where your career and life path is taking you, you’re not alone. As a matter of fact, you may just be in the right place at the right time. You see, very often, the path that chooses us has been in us from the beginning. However, it may have been clouded by the words and intentions of otherwise well-intentioned adults, who may at some point or another, have told you that you were made for this and not for that. That you were too much of this and not enough of this…Maybe a teacher told you you weren’t smart enough, or too slow. After all, Einstein aka the synonymous to genius, didn’t speak fluently until he was nine, prompting his educators to believe he was slow…Think of that…
When the path chooses you, the truth is that it’s always been in you. It may have been hidden by the culture or environment you were in so early on that you forgot who you truly were made to be to. It may have been silenced by well-intentioned, or not so well-intentioned critics, who didn’t see in you what was really there. However, if you turn back and retrace the steps of your life and career path, you may find that there were clues leading you to this not-so-accidental career after all. I can re-trace my steps and find the stories I used to share with my classmates. I can walk a few decades back and see the admiring look on my face whenever I saw my mother dressed up for work. I can look over my shoulder and see the little girl reciting speeches and poems to the plants in our small apartment…
When you’re at a crossroads and it seems that the path chose you, that you have to now answer this call that may disrupt your life and bring chaos to the carefully orchestrated order you were desperately trying to set, don’t be afraid that the path chose you. Maybe you just got fired so you can start the business. Maybe the job didn’t work out so you could step into your purpose of helping others through the gifts and talents you’ve been sleeping on all along. Maybe the path choosing you is not so accidental, and is instead the blessing in disguise that is leading you to realize the full potential of who you are….
When the path chooses you, allow it to disrupt your five or ten-year plan. Let it pull you towards the purpose that has always been brewing inside of you. Open yourself up to discovering where this not-so-accidental work is taking you, what it stands to teach you, and how it will help others find the courage to tread on their own path as well…
Welcome to the Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
Happy Labor Day weekend! Food52 is listing 10 Labor Day deals that may actually be well worth you time (and hard-earned dollars);
In “Let’s do better” news this week, Forbes reports that only one woman of color (Colombian-American actress Sofia Vergara) made the 2019 highest-paid actresses list, and we need to do better;
In other “let’s do better” news, the Amazon is on fire, and we should all understand why and how to help;
CNN reports there have never been as many single working women in history than now, and it’s changing the face of the economy;
On a different note, the New York Times answers the question as to why there aren’t more women working. The answer is that they’re caring for parents;
In more comforting news, Business Insider reports that women are actually getting ahead at work. The caveat is that the workplace culture has to be built for it;
Got a new job offer? The Muse tips you off on how to negotiate paid parental leave (even if you’re not expecting);
Don’t want to go to college? Inc. lists 3 things you can do instead;
