“You’re my person”: When Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh) uttered the now famously coined phrase to her best friend Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) as she shares her decision to put her name down as an emergency contact for her upcoming abortion, it took on a life of its own, embodying our primal human need for deep, healthy, fulfilling friendships. From Sex and the City to Issa Rae’s Awkward Black Girl, stories of female friendships and girl squads have graced our TV screens and subconscious for decades, confirming that as working women and working moms, our friendships play an important role in our lives. However successful we may be professionally, or even family-wise, friendships with other women hold a sacred place. For many, if not most of us, they are a reminder of our original relationship with our mothers, aunts, sisters and other female pillars of our lives, as well as a reflection of our own self-love. This can make the dynamics of our relationships with our sister friends beautifully complex, uniquely fulfilling, and sometimes, downright frustrating.
However, in the modern era of social media, lacking inter-personal connection, and negative media messages around female friendships, it can be challenging to reap these benefits if, and when, we do not foster and nurture healthy relationships with other women. Healthy relationships based on trust, openness, vulnerability, rather than fear, distrust, and anger. It’s the same fear, distrust and anger that end up being translated into gossip, “mean women”, Queen Bee Syndrome, and exclusion, to cite a few.
In my own relationships, I’ve had the privilege to experience the beautiful openness, trust, and vulnerability that makes female friendships a unique bond, and also the heart-wrenching fear, betrayal, and distrust that rob us of the empowering impact of these connections. I’ve learnt, and am still learning (and probably always will) from my positive and negative experiences, as well as my mistakes and mishaps, and growing into a better understanding of the sacred bond between women:
Friendship is a process:
In the era of instant messages and micro-waved networking, we can be tempted to jump in and out of friendships, without the realization it is a marathon, not a race. It’s a process that requires this one thing we cannot microwave: time. It takes time to know someone, see them act in different contexts, build a history with them. It takes time to face and surmount obstacles, enjoy moments together, and deepen bonds. Without it being a process, a friendship can hardly survive, let alone flourish.
A fruitful friendship is a friendship that evolves as both individuals involved evolve as well.
This is where so many friendships reach an impasse, especially among women, as we often tend to not voice our concerns in relationships. I often hear some people say: “I hope you never change” to their friends, which tends to make me shudder every single time. Not expecting those around us, especially our friends, to evolve and change for the better, is to keep them stuck in the same place for our own convenience and comfort. If you’re my friend, I wish you to evolve, to grow, to change into the best version of yourself, even if your growth requires me to grow as well and challenge myself to meet you at a place that is mutually beneficial.
A fruitful friendship is one that evolves. Developing healthy friendships requires shedding the fear of evolving, and that of our friends evolving as well. Some of my greatest relationships are friendships that grow as both individuals grow, and as we both discover new facets of ourselves and each other, and engage on a path on continuous, positive, even exhilarating evolution.
Don’t be afraid to release what no longer serves.
Developing healthy female friendships also requires leveraging the power of releasing what no longer serves. Very often, we allow history to determine relationships that no longer have a place in our destiny. It’s these same relationships that in turn, prevent us from growing into our full potential and achieve our destiny, as we settle for the comfort of familiarity and ease.
Healthy friendships challenge you, push you to be a better version of yourself, and fulfill you to the brim. They don’t leave you drained, empty or wanting for more, but instead felling supported, valued, cherished, and challenged. If not, it may be time to release them, gently, peacefully, with the understanding that we’re creating more space for relationships that fit us better, for our mutual benefit.
All in all, developing healthy female friendships is like making an investment in our well-being, health and potential. Yet, it’s also a process of introspection, self-knowledge and character development that requires choosing who can sit at the table of your life and on what terms. In the end, it may be one of the most important processes of your personal and professional life.
Welcome to Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
Business Insider shares 5 conferences for women of color in tech to help beat gender inequality in the field and how to get a coveted spot ;
Got money on your mind? Actress, writer and wearer of many hats Issa Rae reveals to Black Enterprise that multiple streams of income are the key to success;
Working Moms, we see you! Working Mother shares with us a heartfelt testimony from Serena Williams about the hardships of working motherhood, and we’re right there with her;
Ever cried at work? Inc. explains why it’s ok (We all did it);
Afraid of public speaking? Entrepreneur teaches you how to give a presentation like a pro;
Tax season is here, and so are email attachment scams as well! Lifehacker tips you on a few tips to avoid the scams;
I’ve been trying to eat less meat these days, and Corporette is helping with their 6 easy strategies to go meat-less;
We’re ready for Spring, and WhoWhatWear is sharing 8 spring trends that are technically for free;
In the midst of all the talk about purpose, business success stories, happy entrepreneurial endings, and so on and so forth, it can be tempting to look down at your current career. As you stroll through the pages of Instagram, you may even be experiencing some serious symptoms of “career envy”, as you dream of being your own boss or waking up like Beyonce. That is, until reality hits you tenderly strokes your cheek as you roll out of bed on Monday morning and proceed to make it through your usual daily commute. Does this mean it’s virtually impossible to find fulfillment in the job you’ve got? Do you have to suffer through the ins and outs of your current job, waiting for the perfect career or business? Or are you destined to endlessly hustle towards your dream while constantly feeling dissatisfied? I would respectfully disagree…
I was there, in that dark place where I believed that unless I hit the perfect career jackpot, I would never find fulfillment. I know so many other working women who also were, and still are, there, dragging themselves in and outside of work, waiting for that elusive perfect opportunity and/or hustling to no end. Some are striving and building while they are waiting, while others are teetering on the edge of giving up. Yet, the missing piece we seldom consider is the one that encourages us to find fulfillment in our current careers and positions, even as we strive for more. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t until a fellow working woman and coach of mine taught me to strategize my approach to fulfillment that my entire career changed for the better.
If you are asking yourself this question: “How do I find fulfillment in a job or a career I don’t love or even like?”, here are three questions I challenge you to consider:
How can you combine your gifts and your acquired abilities?
This is the one single question that changed the trajectory of my career. As a natural-born writer with a passion for gender diversity borne from being raised by a single working mother, and with degrees and a professional background in business and accounting, I believed the various parts of my experience were totally separate and incompatible, when in fact they were all aligned with my purpose. Fast forward a few years, I find fulfillment in writing about and teaching business, accounting and gender diversity. The various, and quite different parts of my experience are being combined with my natural gifts to serve the people and causes I most believe in.
What are your natural gifts and talents, and how can you combine them with the acquired abilities you’ve gathered through your career? You could use your ease to network to facilitate instrumental meetings in your area, for instance. If your project management skills have always been your strength, you could volunteer to manage a given project in or outside of your work. As a gifted speaker, you may be able to serve as an event presenter in your department or company. These are simple examples of combining your talents with your acquired knowledge and abilities, right where you are.
How does your career/job help people?
I’ve learnt from experience and from talking to fellow working women that service is an extremely important component of the fulfillment factor at work. It gives your work a higher dimension, one that extends beyond deliverables and tasks, and creates a strong sense of engagement and community. Above all, service gives work meaning and impact. Unfortunately, many of us are missing this part in our careers or jobs, unless we’re saving lives or changing the world.
Can you consider how your job is helping others? If in doubt, could you start the conversation in your teams or departments? As an accountant for instance, you may not feel like your work impacts anyone. However, without accurate financial records and financial statements, the entire financial fabric of our society would be at risk of compromise and fraud, stripping investors, creditors and stakeholders of the trust needed to invest and grow our economy. As a hairdresser, your work is at the core of many women’s (and men’s) sense of self-esteem, community and belonging. So, let me ask you again, how does your job help people?
How can you improve your life outside of work?
In many, if not most instances, our dissatisfaction with our work may be in direct relation with our general dissatisfaction about life, and vice-versa. It’s hard to be motivated at work when your home life is a wreck. Finding the strength to do great work is challenging when you feel like you’re failing as a parent at home. There are so many other examples of the correlation between life outside of work and life at work.
How can you improve your life outside of work? For you, it may be meeting more people, and having more fulfilling friendships and relationships. Or you may have to invest into family therapy and improve the atmosphere in your home. Maybe you need to forgive your parents for neglecting you as a child, so you can stop struggling to gain approval at work at the cost of your sanity and ineffectiveness. Let me ask you again, how can you improve your life outside of work, so your work life improves as well?
While we should all be striving for better, finding fulfillment in a career we don’t necessarily love is possible. It starts with a few hard but crucial questions…
Do you believe you can find fulfillment in a job you don’t love?
“Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behaviors.” Brene Brown
This quote from one of my favorite of Brene Brown’s books “Dare to Lead” always stops me in my tracks, forcing me to re-consider how, as a working woman, I’m continuously addressing my fears and feelings, especially at work. We are all leaders in the work we do, regardless of our position or title, as we’re called on to have an impact through our work. However, what we often dismiss, are the experiences, many of them hurtful, the histories (many of them traumatic), as well as the deep-seated emotions we’ve been carrying within ourselves since childhood. These are the same histories, experiences, emotions, feelings and fears that we also take into our work, businesses, and professional lives, and that end up becoming our most disadvantageous blind spots as we keep facing the same challenges, over and over again.
Most of us have been hurt by various experiences we’ve faced. Whether it’s the trauma of being neglected as child, not being heard or valued as a partner or parent, or sustaining the loss of a loved one, and so many other deeply hurtful scenarios, these events stay with us as we work through them throughout our lives. This includes working through them, whether consciously or unconsciously, at work, where we spend the majority of our time. For instance, if you’ve been dismissed as a child, you may be working through this trauma, without even realizing it, by striving to be seen and heard in your workplace at whatever cost, including that of seeking approval from colleagues or cheating your way to the top of the corporate ladder. Or it could be the exact opposite, as you hide in the back of meeting rooms to avoid letting your potential be seen and heard.
The fears and feelings we all carry are also the source of the pain we keep experiencing in all environments, including at work. If we do not dare, as Brene Brown puts it so well, to “lead from a place of heart, instead of hurt“, we risk not showing up as our most authentic and capable self, thus ruining the very work that we strive to do each and every single day and damaging ourselves in the process. The most successful people, and working women especially that I have had the privilege to meet, work with, or just watch afar in admiration, have been women who have experienced some of the deepest pain and hurt, yet have done the work to turn this pain and hurt into the power they now show up with in their lives and work. That’s the very point, not just to focus on the feelings and fears that separate us from our best, but to leverage the pain and hurt into power.
So how do you keep your own histories, experiences, feelings and fears from stripping you of the very fulfillment you seek? How do you show up in power when your marriage may be failing, or you may be doubting yourself as a parent, or you’re battling an illness? How do you refrain from letting your old traumas show up at work in the form of harsh leadership, avoidance or faulty power dynamics? You do the work, the mindset work that is. It is hard work, but the best work you could do for yourself and others:
Acknowledge the source of your pain: This is where you take the blinders off, and ask yourself the tough questions. Questions such as: “Why do I need the approval and acceptance of my colleagues and bosses?”, “Why is it so important for me to take credit for my accomplishments at the expense of others?”, or “Why is it so hard for me to speak up or face confrontation?” The answer to these questions may be found in your moments spent in silence, through therapy, journaling, or even having honest conversations with friends and family. Some of these answers may shake you to your core, but as you peel the onion of your own self-image, they will lead you to some of the most important discoveries about yourself.
Choose to show up differently: This is where you re-write the story of your work, and ultimately that of your life. As you do the work to peel the layers of the mindset blocks that your experience has placed in front of you, you will also have to take your power back. It’s the power to re-write your own story, from hurt and disappointment, to being able to choose how you show up in your work and life. This means being vulnerable enough to seek constructive criticism from your team and colleagues, challenging yourself to step outside of your comfort zone, or address the areas in your work that have yielded the most frustration for you.
Keep doing the work: This is not a one-time, one-size-fits-all type of process. Instead, it’s continuous work that requires you to keep putting yourself in question, not as a way to doubt yourself, but as a way to positively check yourself. It can take the form of consistent check-ins with yourself and your team, where you can discuss areas of struggle and discord. It can also be a matter of assessing progress or stalling, and connecting both with yours and others’ level of connectedness to the mission at hand and the organization.
In a culture and an era that tends to dismiss fears and feelings in favor of hyper-productivity and superficial success, checking in with yourself and others remain the key to true fulfillment that translates into actual progress at an individual and organizational level. Maybe its not your performance, your education, credentials or experience that’s standing in your way. Maybe it’s just your old fears and feelings rearing their ugly heads and keeping you from your dream career. The good news is you have the power to change your story…
What fears and feelings are you battling with at work?
Have you ever taken a look at the list of Forbes Under 30, or Forbes Under 40, as you ponder the fact that you need your own list for your own age group? Do you sometimes (or often) wonder as you climb up the age ladder, if you will continue to climb up your own ladder of fulfillment and success as you age? Or does aging for the working woman that you are mean giving up on continued career and business growth and purpose? These are all questions you may have asked yourself. I know I have…
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ageism is defined as “prejudice or discrimination against a particular age-group and especially the elderly”. Among the various types of discriminations, including diversity-based, gender-based and racial discrimination, ageism is actually the most pervasive form of discriminating against individuals, especially in the workplace, with a whopping 44% of employees reporting experiencing age discrimination and over $810.4 million paid by employers to settle age discrimination-related charges filed with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). This type of discrimination also predominantly affects women and people of color. Despite the existence of the Age Discrimination Employment Act (ADEA), which legally acts against age discrimination in individuals age 40 or older, related discriminatory violations are still rampant in the workplace.
According to the Harvard Business Review, women in their mid-50’s are faced with new, and demeaning biases in the workplace, including the assumption their age is making them more tired and less interested in their work. As a result, they’re being forced out of work at an age where they are still flourishing. Despite laws targeting age discrimination, women over 50 still struggle with the pressure to maintain their credibility and relevance, especially in industries where women are judged by their external appearance, including the fashion and beauty industry.
You don’t even have to reach your 50’s these days to feel the pressure, quite honestly. Just scrolling through glossy Instagram profiles filled with younger and younger women flaunting photoshopped bodies and borrowed wisdom quotes is enough to make you apprehend the passing of time in your own life and career. I know when I look at the next 10 or 20 years ahead of me, God willing, a whole new set of questions and doubts haunt me, some of which are a normal part of aging, while others are imposed to me by a society that treats aging as a non-recyclable life component.
What I, and so many other women (because the reality is, we’re all aging), want to hear more about, are ways in which we still can, and are encouraged to, well in our 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond, to have fulfilling, successful careers and lives and showing our fellow counterparts what it looks and feels like to gracefully thrive with age. What we want is more businesses, organizations and governments to set up the appropriate systems and infrastructures to foster the flourishing of more working women beyond hurtful and damaging aging stereotypes. There are a few ways to that you and I can participate in this movement by fostering:
Acknowledging and pointing out the problem in our own organizations
Ageism manifests in many ways, some more subtle than others. From job ads that fail to use age-inclusive language, instead referring to new, non-inclusive terminology such as “digital native” (which refers to an individual born or brought up during technology’s age), to lack of training on the related discrimination, many, if not most organizations and businesses are dropping the ball when it comes to preventing and remedying ageism. This is without mentioning open and blatant instances of age discrimination that may happen right in front of us.
As working women, we can help by identifying these instances, and offering solutions. How about transition paths being offered to older working women, instead of simply unceremoniously booting them out of the workplace with semi-compensating retirement packages? Or the creation of more inclusive job advertisements and in-house trainings geared at educating all generations on the dire costs of ageism? Or gathering the data necessary to present to the appropriate governmental, legal and business bodies to create requirements to counter this issue?
Promoting and leveraging the growth that comes with aging
There’s a reason why some of the best educational programs, including some prestigious Masters in Business Administration, notably from Harvard, require prior experience. As much as we may laud the power of influence, social media and early prominence these days, it’s undeniable that experience and growth play a crucial role in career and business success. This is all the more relevant as working women age, gathering the benefits of extensive personal and professional experience, bring these benefits to their place of business, thus empowering other women.
Aging is a privilege, not just for working women, but also for organizations and businesses. By foregoing the invaluable advantages that come with the experience and growth of working women, organizations and businesses also deprive themselves of a major driving force of success.
Fostering increased innovation and re-inventing ourselves
Both individuals and organizations thrive on reinvention and organization. What many fail to understand is that innovation is not just the product of youth, it’s also a compound of general growth and experience. As a matter of fact, a recent study by MIT found that the average age of startup founders is 42, which destroys the myth of the young founder. As working women, we have the privilege, and also the burden, to experience and handle multiple aspects of life and work from the various hats we wear all throughout our lives, from caretakers, mothers, to professionals and so many other roles.
As such, we constantly have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves through our various stages of growth. This is also a great benefit that aging women bring to all areas of their work and life, including their career. As such, organizations should look more to aging women for opportunities for reinvention, growth and improvement.
Overall, while working women and people of color are the most affected by ageism and age-related discrimination, there are a few ways that each and every one of us can counter-act this destructive and costly phenomenon, in our own capacity, in our departments, organizations, and businesses.
Have you experienced age-related discrimination? What are your thoughts on it?
Recently, Goldman Sachs shook the business world by announcing that starting July 2021, it will no longer help companies perform IPOs unless said companies include diversity on its board, with a focus on women. What this decision also means is a significant departure from the all-white, all-male boards that have been the rule for so long, at the expense of the much necessary gender diversity that has been proven to be so beneficial to businesses.
This push for diversity comes right on the heels of much debate by policy experts and lawmakers alike around the lack of gender diversity in the C-suite and boardroom. The MIT Sloan School of Managementactually reveals that while women occupy about 1 in 5 seats on the boards of S&P500 companies, most boards are still mostly composed of men.
Yet, change is certainly looming on the horizon. The state of California passed into law the requirement to have at least one female director on the board of California-based public companies. In addition, companies with board members of 6 or more individuals are required to include at least three new female directors.
As one of two women of color sitting on the board of a not-for-profit organization, I can see first-hand the advantage and influence that gender diversity can bring to companies. The unique perspective, management style, business savvy, and community outreach, among other factors, that women bring to the table, literally can change an organization for the better. If women constitute 50% of the world population, does it make any practical or business sense to keep them out of the boardrooms where decisions for 100% of the population are made?
While there’s still certainly a long way to go, what this means for working women and gender diversity is that there is finally some flicker of a light at the end of the gender diversity tunnel. In more concrete terms, the repercussions are not only motivating but also of a historical proportion:
There are more incentives for companies to adopt gender diversity
Unfortunately and fortunately, it’s mostly through legal change and business/social incentives that gender diversity may be allowed by the institutions and people who are still resisting it. In this sense, it is up to all of us to create the platform to generate these incentives and legal changes that will drive gender diversity forward, as in the example of Goldman Sachs and the state of California.
This is a motivating factor for women to stop fearing sitting at the table
For many business women, especially minority women, sitting at the board of a company may seem like a far-fetched dream. However, every day that we are advocating for gender diversity, we are removing one piece of this opposing wall. It’s a great motivating factor to see that not only is it possible to crush this wall, but that it’s our responsibility to do so.
It’s a win-win for businesses, women and society at large
All in all, increasing the gender diversity on boards is a win-win for all. Businesses win, as their IPO performance, and general performance, is proven to be better when there is at least one woman on their board. Women win, as we extend the fullness of our potential to serve and impact the industries and businesses that in turn impact the world. Society wins, as we all change the meaning of true diversity for the better.
Welcome to the Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
This week, we mourned on Sunday the loss of iconic basketball player and sports legend Kobe Bryant, who tragically passed away in a helicopter crash along with his 13 year-old daughter Gianna and all the other passengers. As we honor all the lives lost, we remember Kobe’s love for his daughters, celebrated with the #girldad hashtag and movement on social media.
However, we celebrate, along with Black Enterprise, legendary actress Cicely Tyson’s induction in the 2020 TV Hall of Fame, as well as our FLOTUS FOREVER Michelle Obama winning a Grammy Award for the audio version of her book “Becoming”.
Worried about potential health problems? US News lists 6 things all employees should know about the Family and Medical Leave Act.
Are you a new mom? Working Mother lists the 12 most unsolicited pieces of advice new moms get.
‘Tis the season for colds and flus! Business Insider details the work rules around getting sick at work.
Couples alert! If you need romantic dinner ideas, Food52 has gathered 10 date night menus, right on time for V-Day.
In 2020, women want equal rights. Refiney29 lists all the US laws that as women, we should know.
Want to make your home a haven of peace, especially after those hectic days at work? Forbes lists Marie Kondo’s best tips to make your home a relaxing space.
Are you planning for your future and that of your family this year? The Corporate Sister explains 3 basics of estate planning for working moms.
Looking for new reads? The New York Times recommends these 10 new books this week.
