It takes a crisis to reveal the true character of situations. The current COVID-19 pandemic, as most crisis, is revealing many, if not most of the inequities, around gender. One of the most striking manifestations of this is directly linked to parenting. The reality is, this pandemic is killing working moms, figuratively and literally.
Truth is, it is digging so deep into our last reserves of resilience and strength, as well as into any of the gender equity advances we’ve managed to make so far, that it may have the potential to set us back decades behind. However, what this current crisis also is, is a loud, stringent wake-up call for working mothers, and everyone else around. A call to re-visit, re-evaluate, not just the modern pressure of 21stcentury parenting, but also the very much contemporary meaning assigned to being a working mom.
Over time, with advances in gender equity and stronger initiatives (and incentives) for equal pay, working mothers have certainly gained some ground, although not enough just yet. However, what we’ve also gained has been the added pressure of living up to the impossibly high standard of “having it all”, even if not at the same time. We can all agree that having and doing it all at the same time, is a surefire recipe for disaster. So we’ve compromised instead on having and doing it all, just not at the same time. More realistic, certainly. Less heavy, probably not.
What it means really at the end of the day is that we’re carrying an ever heavier load, including work, parenting, life and everything in between. We’re just spreading the pie thinner rather than letting it get thicker. Yet, really, is it truly better to be spread thinner, rather than carrying a thicker weight? Aren’t both alternatives just different takes on picking our own “self-made” version of the same lethal poison?
What this pandemic has clearly, and quite harshly, if I may say so myself, shown me is that however you decide to slide the modern working mom pie, it is still too much. It doesn’t matter how many shifts one decides to compartmentalize the various demanding parts of their life and work in, it’s still too much. Too many responsibilities, too many compartments, too much to think about, even at different intervals and times…You can’t just switch off from being a great, present mom, to full-on career beast mode, and then to baking the perfect cake. You’re not a robot, you’re a human being, and yes, you’re pretty amazing but you’re not super-human…
Yes, the pandemic is killing working moms. Yet, it’s not inventing anything new. It’s simply amplifying the imbalance that’s been there for working mothers for quite some time, and the elusive appeal of the “have it all” mentality. It’s uncovered the fallacy of the modern take on gender equity and equality, and removed the mask off of the reality of contemporary motherhood. A reality steeped in profound, staggering, fundamental inequities that more flexibility, increased pay or a shattering of the glass ceiling, only scratch the surface of.
If this pandemic is offering us one saving grace, it is that of realizing that working mothers need more than just occasional help and assistance. They need a complete overhaul of an entire societal foundation anchored in gender inequity. They need for the load to be shared not just equally, but better; for structures and infrastructures, from roads and highways to the justice system, to reflect the needs of working moms and parents; and for organizations to respect the needs of families over profits.
They say it takes a crisis to reveal true character. At the end of the day, this crisis here is a wake-up call, not just for working mothers, but for an entire society, to re-think its ways, its priorities, and its heart.
Welcome to Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
In great diversity news, Black Enterprise reveals Javicia Leslie is set to be the first Black woman to play Batwoman;
Got an interview coming up? The Glassdoor Blog recommends 5 COVID-19 questions you should ask;
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve taken on a lot over time. A lot of responsibilities, a lot of pressure, a lot of care, and a lot of weight, some mental, some spiritual, and some even physical over time…As time goes, you’re taking on more, doing more, being more, as there are more demands on your time, energy, and life…
You’ve been tirelessly juggling all the balls of your life and work, keeping as many of them as possible in the air at all times, not allowing yourself to drop any. From supporting your family, to acing your career, to maintaining age-old friendships, you’ve been trying to do it all, for way too long…And it’s cost you a lot, too much even, for way too long, from neglecting yourself to being taken for granted, to depleting the last of your very resources…
Yet, did anyone tell you it was OK to let go of some of the balls you’ve been juggling for so long? That not everything on your to-do list has to get done? That the kids will be ok if left to care for themselves for a bit? That your family could actually benefit from you letting go of all this pressure and weight? That the world will still go on, even if you don’t prepare organic meals or miss two appointments in a row…
You’re allowed to let go of the responsibilities that are not adding value to you, your purpose, and your life…
You’re allowed to let go of the beliefs and mindsets that no longer serve you…
You’re allowed to let go of the people who keep asking more and more of you without giving anything in exchange…
You’re allowed to let go of the places that keep swallowing you in their complacency and destructive patterns…
Most importantly, you’re allowed to let go of the guilt of choosing you over anything or anyone threatening your wholeness, your integrity and your purpose…The guilt of caring for yourself, of not being everything to everyone, and of making space for others to grow and learn on their own…
Not only are you allowed to let go, you must learn to do so with the grace, honesty and power you will need to evolve, and forgive yourself for treading new paths and creating new avenues…
There’s a pressure that comes with being the only Black woman in the room. It’s a pressure that is not often talked about, or even known for that matter. Too often, being the only Black woman in the room is equated with such privilege, honor and opportunity, that the weight of it escapes most. It may even initially escape the woman who’s seemingly been granted a position of historical importance, or simply the chance at a peek into some of the rooms reserved for only a fortunate few.
Yet, the reality is what is often seen as an incredible opportunity also bears its weight in unspoken pressure and wrenching duty. The pressure to be worthy, to not just meet but exceed expectations, to set a standard against all standards. But most importantly, the pressure to not FAIL. Because failure is a privilege that is not bestowed upon the Black woman, especially when she stands somewhere, anywhere, as the “only one”, the first, the sole, lone representative of an entire race and gender now leaning over her head like a weighty Damocles sword threatening to fall and destroy her at any moment. It’s an indulgence that no carrier of legacy, especially a legacy as heavy, as costly, as fragile as the Black legacy, can afford.
As a Black woman, you don’t fail in order to learn. You learn in order not to fail. You understand that when you fail, you fail all those who came before you, and all those who are coming after you, looking to step through the same doors you just did. When you fail, it’s as if you denied the sacrifices made on your behalf by generations who could not walk your path. Now that is pressure, a pressure that some, consciously or unconsciously, block out of their already heavy minds, more out of a sense of self-preservation than a desire to shield themselves.
That’s not what we think about as we watch the glamorous photos of these women breaking barriers, going further than their peers have ever been, sitting at the table, building their own tables. We don’t think about the cost, the unfathomable cost, of being the only Black woman in the room…
There is no single way, no best antidote to dealing with it, to paying the high price of opportunity knocking at the Black woman’s door. As complex as the tapestry of humanity, filled with steep contrasts and flat similarities, is the conundrum of lone success for the Black woman. A mix of heightened gratitude and deep guilt. A wave of enthusiasm matched with high winds of discouragement. A proud sense of duty undercut by blades of sharp debt disguised as communal responsibility.
One cannot prepare to being the “only one” in the room. There is no amount of mental preparedness that can really get anyone ready to the level of responsibility and isolation that also come along. What there is, is the renew wed commitment to show up day after day, raising the already impossible bar to higher and higher levels.
What there is, is the will to outwork, outperform, and out-challenge, just in order to survive. The indomitable, often self-destructive, will to keep on going, despite all odds. It’s the same iron will that turns challenges into opportunities, small beginnings into gigantic endings, and lessons into massive improvement. It’s the will that creates diamonds from pressure, extracts precious oil from painful crushing, and leaves a bright trail for all to see..
“That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain’t I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain’t I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man – when I could get it – and bear the lash as well! And ain’t I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother’s grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain’t I a woman?“
In the words of Sojourner Truth, known for her historical speech at an Ohio Women’s Rights Convention in 1851, what’s it really about being a Black woman? As I read her words, what does it really mean to stand at the intersection of being Black and female? What does it mean in the workplace, on the streets, at home? What does it mean to live in the body and the mind of a Black woman?
Being a Black woman means being at the intersection of race and gender. It also means being stuck in a professional and personal double bind, that of race and gender. The powerful, feared and harsh combination of two minority statuses rolled into the same individual and exposed for all to see, against the brutal misconceptions of society and oneself. It is the mix of negative messaging, insecurities and stereotypes channeled from one inequitable position to another, fused in a confusing cloud of misperception and misalignment. It is the conundrum of belonging in a partial way, which really is synonymous with not belonging at all. Stuck between a rock and a hard place…
As a woman, you feel like you are to join hands with all women. As a Black woman, you may be very well on your own, at tables where you may be the “only one”, in discussions where your voice may either sound like an empty echo or a gritting scream, or just a resounding silence… On paper, you may be deemed worthy, but in numbers, your value may be discounted. On paper, you may be read as “strong”, “invincible”,yet as the likes of powerful athlete Serena Williams and talented comedian and actress Leslie Jones, too “masculine-looking”. Or even as an “ape in heels”, as First Lady Michelle Obama was once insultingly portrayed.
Being at the intersection of anything also means residing at the periphery of everything. It’s an uncomfortable, trying place where one constantly has to prove their worth, even to themselves. A place of guilty, both conscious and unconscious, betrayal at the hands of oneself and society. A place where every step is on the lava floor of racial and gendered identity, and the pain, confusion and saving grace of growth that come with it…It’s a place no one really chooses to be in, for no one really picks the in-between, unless there is the threat of fire on both sides..
Being a Black woman is asking the question: “Ain’t I a woman?”, over and over again, at the meeting table, in the family conversations, in the mothering of our children, in the soothing of our own souls…It’s also getting multiple, sometimes conflicting answers to the same heartbreaking query, and often settling for only a fraction of the right ones. Settling for a fraction of the right salary…Settling for a fraction of the credit, a fraction of the peace, a fraction of the life…
Yet, navigating both realities of being woman and Black does not necessarily equate settling for the eternal dance between identities, codes and communities. One can take a stand and cut the pie in the middle. One can choose both, and have both. Yet, as for all progress, taking a stand, especially taking a middle, all-encompassing, stand comes at a price. It’s the price of embracing all of who we are, the multiple reflections of growth and evolution, as well as the entrenched images of self in a larger-than-life picture of what it truly means to be human. For being human is being a well of complexity, a receptacle of harsh contrasts and soft similarities, a deep pit of conflict and peace, of oneness and uniqueness. Being human is messy. And so is being a Black woman, at the intersection of race, gender and all of humanity…
It means letting of the lethal ideology of comfort and apparent belonging, to embrace the fearful uncertainty of the redeeming human difference. There is no comfort in progress and advancement. And isn’t that what we’re after, as a people, as a human race? Isn’t the fruit of struggle coming out of the seed of discomfort and difference? Neither is there belonging in the very concept of expansion, as an individual, as a society, as a world. Birth, from that of a human being to that of an organization, is synonymous with the very expansion that creates the same belonging that it negates later on through the necessity of emancipation and growth.
It means replacing the short-sightedness of immediate results, with the long vision of impact. How is our stance, at the corner of race and gender, creating the needed impact to open doors at all the levels we’re playing a role in? How is representation being increased, instead of limited and selective, by the sheer impact of our presence, the resonating weight of our voices, the long reach of our hands lifting and raising across lines of gender and race?
Last but not least, it ultimately means creating the support we need to serve those who don’t yet know they need it too. For it is when we recognize the needs of others, that we touch our own needs, minister to our own hearts, and heal our own wounds. Support is healing, and healing knows no boundaries. It expands across lines of identities and conceptions, to encompass the heart of humanity at the intersection of being human and being well,… human.
“Ain’t I a woman”, said Sojourner Truth. For at the intersection of race and gender, is the infinite view of what it means to be beautifully human, complex and boundary-breaking.
In this episode, I’m discussing allyship, more specifically how to be an ally to Black women at work. From sponsorship and mentorship, to listening in and learning, allyship is a powerful way to make a difference and contribute to increased inclusiveness and diversity in the workplace.
Thanks for Listening!
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Diversity and inclusion (D&I) has become in recent years one of the most prevalent go-to terms for organizations, institutions and people alike. Very often, it presents itself as a collection of in-house trainings or informational sessions. While most diversity and inclusion initiatives are generally well-meaning, there may be some level of misinformation, status quo, or disconnection that may impair their real effectiveness.
Truth is, while the tone at the top is crucial in setting impactful diversity and inclusion initiatives, everyone within and outside of the organization is responsible for establishing and fostering a culture of inclusiveness and representation. As employees, it is also our responsibility and positive contribution to foster increased diversity and inclusiveness through our work, professional and personal decisions. As business owners, we carry the burden of ensuring that our business’ values, people, and processes embody a spirit of representation for all and further equality and equity for all. As consumers of information and goods, we have the power to pick and choose the companies Doing so can be challenging, however it may start with asking a few necessary questions of the organizations we work in, buy from and are around:
What is the organization’s status in terms of diversity and inclusion?
As we consider the companies we’re part of, consume from or are around, we must also ask ourselves what they look like from the inside. That is, in terms of their culture, people, and processes.
Who are the faces of the company at the management and leadership levels, and do they embody diversity and inclusiveness? Are employees representative of various groups, including minority and under-represented groups? Who makes important decisions at the Board of Directors level? These are just a few questions to begin with…
What outcomes are being worked towards?
It’s one thing to have representation in the leadership and culture of the organization, it’s another to be continuously working towards better outcomes in terms of diversity and inclusion.
Are these part of the strategic plan of the organization? Are managers trained to include desired outcomes in their performance plan? If not, what can be done to begin sooner than later?
How will the culture change to be more diverse and inclusive?
One of the biggest obstacles faced by diversity and inclusion trainings is the very culture of organizations. Unless the company culture is open to equity and equality for all, chances at increasing diversity and inclusion are slim to non-existent.
It begins with asking what the true culture of the organization is. How do employees and management perceive it? What can be done to foster a more diverse and inclusive culture?
Do the leadership and tone at the top value diversity and inclusiveness?
Tone at the top is crucial in influencing the culture and direction of organization. For adequate representation and increased inclusiveness, the leadership and management also have to be on board.
It’s then worthwhile to ask what the tone at the top is. What does the leadership believe in, and envision as the future direction of the company, business or institution? Is diversity as well as inclusiveness one of their priorities?
Are diversity and inclusiveness used or included as metrics in the organization?
You can’t improve what you don’t measure. Improving diversity and inclusiveness then requires measuring it first. To do so, creating and/or implementing adequate metrics is necessary. By including these metrics as a part of the organization’s plans, as well as people’s performance and processes’ evaluation, they not only measurable, but also a solid foundation for growth.
What types of metrics can be implemented? How can these be included in employees’ performance evaluations? How can these be reflected in the organization’s policies and procedures?
Are the appropriate resources available and/or in place?
Keeping organizations accountable for inclusiveness and diversity also means ensuring the appropriate resources, such as training resources, education materials, as well as educators, are available to be used. This also means evaluating current resources (or the lack thereof) for signs of being outdated or inaccurate.
What resources, if any, are currently being used to address diversity and inclusion in the organization? Are these appropriate or need to be updated and/or revised?
Is everyone held accountable for diversity and inclusiveness matters?
Last but not least, is everyone being held accountable in and outside of the organization for diversity and inclusiveness? This means not just management and the leadership, but each and every single employee, customer and stakeholder? The organizations we believe in, consume from and work in, can only do the work of fostering diversity and inclusiveness if we all contribute and actively participate.
Which questions have you been asking of the organizations around you to hold them more accountable in terms of diversity and inclusiveness?
