As we’re starting to emerge from the global COVID-19 pandemic, one thing we can all say is that we’ve become quite familiar with change. From one day to the other, we’ve gone from going about our daily lives the way we’ve always known, to being hunkered down in our homes, homeschooling our kids, and working remotely. Talk about a total change…
For working women and moms, this change has been even more drastic, as society unconsciously reverted to a more traditional setting with traditional gender roles. What this means for working women and moms is having to shoulder the unfair and unequal weight of household, child-rearing and elderly care responsibilities, in addition to work and other duties. What this also meant during this pandemic, and still means to this day, is that the type of drastic change we’ve been forced into has been so much more detrimental to working women and moms. No wonder so many working women and moms have been pressured into a mass exodus out of their careers for lack of adequate childcare, among other reasons…
Yet, change is not all bad. Quite to the contrary. In his best-selling book, “Who Moved My Cheese”, Dr. Spencer Johnson teaches an edifying lesson about change through the short, yet powerful story of a couple of mice and little humans dealing with change. His book, a masterpiece in simple, practical change management in my opinion, reminds us all of that the only constant is change. As such, change should not be avoided, or resisted, or even worse, fought against. Instead, we’re reminded to embrace the gift of change, along with the opportunities it brings along.
As beneficial as change may be, its recent manifestations have not necessarily been good to working women and moms. How then can working women and moms leverage change in their careers especially, when the latter are being particularly threatened by the current societal and business changes at play, from remote work to lack of childcare? Can otherwise seemingly challenging circumstances be reframed to allow for positive change? The answer is yes.
Here are three tips to consider:
Actively expect change (and prepare for it)
The only constant is change. As much as we may be creatures of comfort, we have to contend with the reality that nothing stays the same. For many, if not most of us, this requires a mindset change in how we see ourselves, the people surrounding us, and the environments around us.
By making peace with the fact that change will happen, we can develop a preemptive inner resilience to bring us through change in a positive and productive way. We’re also better equipped to monitor ourselves and the world around us for signs of change, and begin to prepare for it while adverting the related inevitable negative consequences.
As working women and moms, it can mean setting up systems and processes in our work and lives that can stand change. For many, it’s creating additional streams of income through side hustles and businesses, building investing resources, or automating certain tasks to make room to pivot when needed.
Adapt!
Adaptability is one of the most valuable personal and professional skills. For working women and moms who juggle so many balls in the air, and face so many more opportunities to experience change, it’s literally indispensable.
Think of it as cultivating the resilience, creativity, innovative spirit and strategies to reinvent ourselves as environments, people and circumstances around us morph. While adaptability requires courage and the aptitude to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations, it also offers the incredible gift of reinvention and pivoting, both professionally and personally.
For many working women and moms during the pandemic, it’s meant learning to adapt to remote work while homeschooling kids and running a household, among other responsibilities. This in turn has generated treasures of creativity, resulting in cutting-edge new businesses, innovative ways to work, and fresher ways to approach the always-elusive work-life balance.
Enjoy the process
Change is not to be feared. Rather, it’s an opportunity to face uncertainty with an open mind and positive perspective. In many ways, it’s an adventure back to the core of who we are, uncovering layers of our personalities and mindsets we may not have suspected unless faced with the prospect of change. More than anything, it’s an inevitable process whose rewards, most of which are unseen, well outweigh the costs . Enjoy it!
If we can’t avoid change, especially as working women and moms, then we shouldn’t miss the opportunity to maximize its potential in our work and lives. By preparing for it, adapting to it, and enjoying the process, we have the potential of turning what most fear into some of the biggest opportunities of our lifetimes.
To PhD or not to PhD? Making the decision to pursue a terminal degree is no easy feat. Making the decision to pursue a terminal degree as a working woman or working mom may downright be one of the toughest decisions you’ll have to make in your career and life. Going for your doctorate degree also means preparing for one of the most challenging balancing acts of working studying and taking care of your personal life. While you may decide to complete this degree at your own pace, whether it be on a full or part-time basis, the challenges will still be there.
Some of these challenge, to cite only a few, include the sheer amount of work, sacrifice and research involved. For most working women and moms, the time and effort commitment required can stand in the way of family and personal life, and even work. Many, if not most traditional PhD programs, tend to require full-time availability for years, making it close to impossible to work while studying. Thankfully, there is an increasing number of professional programs, geared at more experienced candidates, which may allow you to keep your job while you complete your doctoral program. Money can also become an issue, unless you’re offered a scholarship or significant financial assistance. This is why finding the right doctoral program can make a world of difference for you…
Women have actually earned 52.9% of doctoral degrees in the US in 2018-19, as revealed by the Council of Graduate Schools. However, it appears they are under-represented in elite PhD programs, particularly in maths-skill oriented fields, creating a notable “prestige gap”. While the data does not reveal the reasons behind the under-representation of women in high-prestige doctoral programs, patterns of gender inequality are undeniable. Some of the reasons behind the “prestige gap” may include women opting out of the application process to elite programs, scoring lower on average on the math GRE, or having different constraints than men. On the other end of the spectrum, this could also be explained by admission committee bias, rooted in deeply-seated cultural beliefs about gender and ability.
Despite the obvious, and not-so-obvious, obstacles standing in the way of working women and moms pursuing a doctoral program, there are strong benefits to doing so. These can be summarized in the three categories below:
Impact
If making a difference in your field is a priority for you, then a doctoral degree can help you achieve this. One of the main benefits of completing a doctoral program is learning the art of research. Through research, you may be able to contribute to the existing body of knowledge in your field, thus potentially creating change and tremendous impact.
Career Growth and Influence
Completing and earning your doctoral degree also means you are an expert in your field. Research allows you to exponentially grow your expertise in your chosen field, and sets you up to grow in your work.
Additionally, you may be able to boost your career prospects once you complete a doctoral program. You may be able to start a career in academia as a professor and/or researcher. If academia is not in the cards for you, then a variety of high-level industry careers may open their doors to you.
Another area of career growth is monetary. You can reasonably expect to earn a higher salary with a doctoral degree in hand, along with additional opportunities to increase your income. These may include but are not limited to consulting, speaking, teaching and other expert-related opportunities.
Potential
Last but not least, earning a doctoral degree will help you develop exceptional critical thinking skills through research, expert knowledge in your field, in addition to the resilience and fortitude to resolve complex problems. The challenges presented by a PhD program will certainly develop your potential to its fullest, and prepare you not just for a successful career, but also for a greater purpose in your work and life.
To Phd or not to Phd? It’s a question whose answer may vary from individual to individual. Despite its great rewards and long-term benefits, it’s also a journey that’s just not for everyone. It requires not just tremendous resilience, dedication and sustained effort, but also a solid passion to stay the course when the going gets tough. Yet, if you’re attracted by the prospect of contributing to greater knowledge, overcoming the challenge of a terminal education process, and achieving a sense of purpose through your work, then you may want to consider making it a part of your career and life path.
How many times have you started your week overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work staring you in the face? From your professional to your personal responsibilities, your schedule can easily have you going insane before you even begin your day, especially as a working woman and mom. Even worse, it can make or break your productivity and efficiency, and even alter your mental state in too many negative ways to count. As a recovering perfectionist working mom on the mend, I know all too well the toll that overcommitting yourself can take on anyone. Regardless of how competent, energetic, or indefatigable you may be, spreading yourself too thin is the perfect recipe for overwhelm, exhaustion and ultimately burnout.
There are many reasons why working women, especially overachieving ones, tend to overcommit in their families, careers and even friendships and other relationships. The root cause stems from an inability or difficulty to set appropriate limits and boundaries. For most, it even goes back to childhood, as girls are generally socialized to be accommodating, helpful and polite, often to avoid appearing selfish, self-centered or uncaring. This in turn breeds endless guilt on the part of women who cannot seem to say no. In many instances, over-commitment in overachieving women can stem from insecurity or pride.
If any of the above sounds familiar, you are certainly not alone. A 2019 study from leadership training company VitalSmarts finds 3 out of 5 individuals agree to do more than they can actually achieve in their available time. 1 in 5 people admits to have reached their limit in terms of commitments. Side effects reported as a result of over-commitment range from acute stress, anxity and worry, to draining feelings of defeat and overwhelm. Even more concerning yet, 44% of this study’s participants confess to not being fully present with their loved ones half of the time, with 37% admitting to being rarely if ever present. In the case of working women, this over-commitment is rarely ever truly rewarded, just by the sheet weight of breadth of expectations and demands on their time and energy.
How to do you keep then from overcommitting yourself when demands and expectations pile up? It’s a question that like so many working women and moms, I’ve struggled with and still wrestle with regularly. Like so many, I’ve tried it all, from attempting to delegate more, to building a not-to-do list, to even attending productivity workshops. Many of the techniques advertised out there would work for some time, until I would revert back to my packed to-do lists and compulsive “yes” habits.
When I read about the rule of 3, which basically consists in using 3 words as a figure of speech to communicate an idea, reflecting a rhetorical technique from ancient Greece, I started applying it to various areas of my work. It wasn’t until a while later that I started applying it to my own schedule, using these 3 guiding steps:
Identify 3 areas of Purpose
This first step requires much introspection and reflection before even engaging in it. If you take a look at your to-do list, you may notice that it runs the gamut, from picking up the dry cleaning to finishing the quarterly financial presentation. This can make it hard to focus on what is most important and most impactful. Notice I didn’t mention “most urgent”. In the times we live in, everything is mistakenly deemed to be urgent, from picking up a random phone call to having your brain “picked” at the drop of a dime.
This is where the “Rule of 3” comes in. After much reflection and self-audit, can you consolidate your commitments into 3 main areas? These are what I call the three areas of Purpose. These are intentional areas regrouping your most important and most impactful commitments. If you work as an auditor with a side consulting practice, your three areas of Purpose may be Audit, Consulting and Personal, for instance. My three areas of Purpose are Teaching, Writing and what I call my Sacred Zone, which includes my spiritual, personal and family commitments. What are your three areas of Purpose?
Streamline 3 main goals per area per day and/or week
If you look at your daily to-do list and you have upwards of 15 commitments to uphold, you may be burning yourself out. As a matter of fact, at any given moment, you may not even remember what those are. Instead, streamlining your commitments by area of Purpose, and limiting them to three per area of Purpose can help you accomplish more, minus the overwhelm and stress eating.
What are three main goals you can tackle today in each one of your areas of Purpose? If consulting with clients is one of your Purpose areas, then Mondays may be dedicated to planning, email and administrative tasks, while Tuesdays may be focused on client calls, meetings and networking, for instance. Picking a theme under which to place each day’s commitments may also help in this streamlining process.
Use the AIR criteria:
The following three crtieria and questions, can help to identify and confirm your areas of Purpose and commitments within each area:
Alignment: Is this area or commitment aligned with my role, skills and sense of Purpose?
Impact: Does this area and/or commitment create the most desired impact?
Real Growth: Is this area and/or commitment contributing to my growth?
Last but not least, keep in mind this is a growing, living, breathing process. The most important metric to consider here is progress, which makes it important to review your process daily. I’m constantly looking at better ways to streamline my commitments and areas of Purpose to create more impact, but also to achieve the ultimate freedom, that is time freedom.
Would you or are you using the Rule of Three to streamline your schedule?
Have you ever stood at the door of an incredible opportunity, and wanted nothing less than to run the other way? How many times have you anticipated with dread the possibility that you may actually win? Have you ever feared actually making it, rather than failing at it? That strange feeling in the pit of your stomach, that peculiar mix of joy and dread, is actually the fear of success so many women experience, especially in a professional context.
Fear of success for women is actually a theory developed by Matina Horner, as part of her graduate dissertation back in 1968. In her study and dissertation at the more than 30 years ago, Dr. Horner asked asked an audience of college students to respond to a scenario-based case in which a male, represented by “John”, or a female, represented by “Anne”, is at their medical class’s top. As a result of the negative responses by students to “Anne” being at the top of her medical class, the research concluded women experience a fear of success. As such, females anticipate negative repercussions for succeeding or even participating in male domains.
What Dr. Horner also discovered is the more women’s ability increases, the more their fear of success increases. This in turn negatively impacts their ability to compete with their male counterparts. Fear of success was also found to be correlated with women’s progress in school, where they tend to switch more “traditionally feminine” domains. It was also tied to society’s attitudes in general.
Fear of success can manifest in various ways, including procrastination, avoidance, low self-esteem, intimidation, fear of speaking up, among others. Many women will deliberately lower or hinder their own performance in order to avoid success. There are many reasons for this, from the fear of being cast out and rejected, to the torture of not belonging and losing social and emotional support, especially as nurturers. This also explains why despite the rising number of educated women, the representation of women at higher professional levels is still limited.
This fear of success in women is costing us valuable resources, innovation, and advances that remain buried in the unproductive soil of negative societal pressure. Beyond the most visible economic and financial argument, is also that of the personal limitations and even decay, imposed by restrictive gender roles that are frankly no longer aligned or adapted to our modern society, if they ever were.
In many cases, what is construed as being a fear of failure really hides a terrifying fear of success for working women. One we must first understand in order to deconstruct and challenge in the professional, personal and social contexts. One we must learn to honestly diagnose in ourselves and others, in order to limit and eventually stop its destructive consequences for all of society. It’s a challenge that must be undertaken on a personal and communal level, at the academic level, in professional organizations and teams, all the way to the highest governmental spheres, if we want women’s potential not to remain untapped for much longer.
If you are a working mom yourself, the mental load involved in running a household and caring for children is no surprise to you by now. Truth is, many working moms feel quite alone carrying this invisible load, as their partner and society at large are often blissfully unaware, or unwilling to acknowledge, the strain they are under on a near-constant basis.
What does this invisible mental load look like? On any day, it may go from having to remember the kids’ doctor appointments, activities, grocery lists, clean (or not so clean) laundry, to having to improvise when a child is sick or an emergency presents itself. This is on top of holding a full-time job, trying to advance one’s career, caring for family and relatives, and attempting to be a decent human being overall. No wonder so many working moms end up feeling drained, exhausted, and resentful at the end of the day…
This mental load is also part of the reason why many working moms are not able to achieve their full potential, losing the race towards their purpose before it even starts. It also certainly has contributed to the working mom exodus we’ve witnessed during the COVID-19 pandemic. The unequal distribution of this mental load, along with its physical baggage of household chores, childcare and elderly care, is no longer sustainable in families increasingly relying on two incomes. Neither is it sustainable in a society where women constitute half or more of the population, and play a crucial role at all levels, including socially, economically, and politically.
Protecting working moms and their potential then requires equalizing the mental load between household partners. This is no easy feat, as the structural, societal, political and economical structures we’ve been socialized in, and are still living, heavily contribute in perpetuating it. In some instances, crises such as the COVID-19 pandemic tend to even accentuate it. There is no doubt then that equalizing the mental load between partners is more of a process of undoing archaic systems, beliefs and behaviors ingrained in individuals, communities and organizations for centuries. These are antiquated systems even we, as working moms, still adhere to and often unconsciously co-sign and perpetuate to our own detriment. However, it’s also a process that can reap so much fruitful progress, finally opening the door to working moms’ potential, and changing the narrative for so many little girls and boys watching their own mothers for cues for the future.
Here are a few ways to get started:
Acknowledge your own invisible mental load and beliefs
Many, if not most working moms do not acknowledge their invisible mental load until it’s almost too late and they’re too angry to get past it. Don’t get me wrong, in most instances, the anger is justified. So is the sheer exhaustion and pain hiding behind it. This is where acknowledging in an honest, concrete and pragmatic way the actual weight, impact and effect of this load come into play.
It’s hard to understand the true extent and impact of it until one takes a good, hard look at what life really is like on a day-to-day basis. It may be a matter of making a list of all the demands on one’s time on a day-to-day basis, and concretely make an honest assessment. The latter also requires honestly assessing the role one plays in carrying, even hoarding this mental load, as we often unconsciously subject ourselves to it for fear of stepping away from the “norm” as we’ve always known it.
Have an honest conversation with your partner
This may be the most challenging part by far in this process of equalizing the invisible mental load in one’s partnership. Making someone else see and perceive the heaviness of your experience, especially the parts of it that are not readily apparent to others, is no easy feat. Considering how traditional gender roles have been constructed over time, it can be even harder to challenge the status quo and preconceived notions.
Implement a process
The most effective way to tackle equalizing the invisible mental load as partners is to implement a proactive, concrete plan. Just talking about it is barely enough. Instead, getting deep into the nitty-gritty of daily tasks, concerns and questions is crucial. This may be a matter of designating who’s responsible for making and keeping appointments, who makes the phone calls, or who picks up and drops off on what days…Ideally, the distribution of tasks and responsibilities would align with each partner’s areas of strength and what they enjoy doing, so they can actually keep doing it for as long as possible.
Check in and recalibrate periodically
Processes are not infallible. Processes that challenge what most of us have been accustomed to from infancy are even less infallible. So many working moms report attempting to equalize the invisible mental load with their partners, only for things to return to the unsustainable normal it was before. This is why it’s so important to check in with each other, and re-calibrate as often as possible.
All in all, equalizing the invisible mental load for working moms is not only necessary, but it should be a priority for working moms, partnerships, and society in general to thrive. As life gets increasingly complex, it’s becoming a matter of survival for families, and an imperative in raising well-balanced children.
There are moments as a working mom when overwhelm just takes over, and you realize the boundaries between work and life have been significantly blurred. While work-life balance is but an elusive ideal, unclear or blurred boundaries between your career and life can spell havoc over your entire existence. This is when resetting your work-life boundaries is absolutely necessary.
For most working women, the COVID-19 pandemic has been a significant turning point in their careers and lives. I know it has definitely been for me…Plagued with the brunt of the pandemic’s weight in terms of household chores and work demands, overcome with the mental weight of a global human and economic crisis, mothers have had to (and still have to) pay a dear price. As a matter of fact, close to five million jobs were lost to American women back in December 2020out of sheer overwhelm and the need to care for their families and loved ones. Now more than ever, work-life boundaries are not only essential, they’re indispensable for working mothers.
Yet, what does re-setting your boundaries, any boundaries at all for that matter, look like in a constantly evolving world with an uncertain future? What does it look like to draw a line in the sand when you’re a working mother juggling s many drawing sticks in the air? Which one do you put down? Which one do you pick up? Where do you draw the line? This is the incessant, heavy dilemma so many moms deal with, aggravated by the advent of a reformative pandemic and a shifting world. This is also where traditional, time-oriented, rigid boundaries, no longer work. Instead, the next normal we’re stepping into is requiring flexible, adaptive boundaries with the potential of shifting and expanding us, rather than constricting, limiting separating walls ridden with the anxiety and the frustration of motherly guilt:
Set a strong intention first.
The process of setting boundaries is usually approached merely as a mechanical endeavor consisting of separating tasks, obligations and commitments. Often, this is done without much thought or appreciation for the genuine intention (or the lack thereof) behind it. As a result, similar to New Year’s resolutions, these boundaries end up only surviving for a limited time, quickly replaced by the status quo in one way or another. Setting a strong intention by questioning the “why” of your decision first can instead create a longer lasting impact, turning an otherwise mechanical process into a flexible and malleable concept filled with meaning and purpose.
Define what your own work-life boundaries look like
So much has been said and written about the proverbial “work-life balance” that it has come to represent a blanket set of ideas around what work-life boundaries truly are. However, the reality is, every working mother’s work-life boundaries are unique. As each working mom has her own vision of living, parenting and working, this vision permeates the very meaning, extent and impact of her own boundaries. This is especially relevant in this post-pandemic era when many, if not most women are redefining what their lives and work mean, and what success, fulfillment and happiness look like to them on a daily basis. This is why subscribing to a general and falsely popular idea of work-life boundaries or balance can be detrimental. Instead, taking some time to reflect on what your ideal day, life and work look like, can prompt you to define the best, clearest and most practical boundaries for yourself and your environment.
Create a flexible routine of your own
This is where action meets intention, and where the true challenge of setting boundaries lie. It’s in the implementation and enforcing of one’s boundaries that many obstacles and challenges come to the forefront, highlighting areas to work on and constant improvements to be made. Working mothers, more than anyone else, are keenly aware of the beautiful pressure of juggling life and work, career and parenting, reports and laundry. This is where not just creating a routine, but crafting an adaptive, flexible approach, can pay immense dividends over time. For some, it may mean a different allocation of time and space. For others, it may entail hard conversations, difficult decisions, and renewed commitments. For most, it’s a hodgepodge of personal, professional, spiritual, and psychological elements, presenting new, exhilarating discoveries about oneself and one’s environment, highlighting new challenges, and overall creating new opportunities to grow and evolve.
All in all, being a working mother is a beautiful journey of becoming, growing, and juggling. It’s also one whose very beauty and integrity lie in the in-between creases of life, work and everything in between. The work then, the challenging yet uplifting work, is in constantly ironing these creases, setting and re-setting the boundaries that keep us thriving, growing and evolving in the fullness of all we are.
Career trauma is real. If you’ve ever experienced it, you know firsthand the destructive impact it can have, not just on your work, but literally on all areas of your life. Many are the accounts of fellow working women and moms who have suffered horribly from the effects of career trauma, from acute stress and depression to complete career loss and change…
Career trauma can come in many forms and manifest in different ways. While most of us can experience positive growth and expansion from the work we do, many among us can also be confronted with the very opposite. Toxic environments, for instance, can cause real and damaging distress, through hurtful and negative behaviors such as bullying, betrayal, or cut-throat competition. Poor, ineffective and at times downright terrible managers, may also create or contribute to career trauma, reinforcing the concept that “people don’t leave companies, they actually leave managers”. Not to mention the brutal effects of company restructuring, downsizing, and reorganizations on employees. All these factors, and so many others, can make it hard for people to recover their sense of wholeness and professional confidence after dealing with career trauma.
For so many of us, especially as working women and moms, our careers are not only part of our identity, but define who we are and what we stand for at the core. Having this part of our selves be taken away from us, or diminished in a significant way, can terribly alter our sense of self along with our perception of others. Additionally, considering that women tend to be more prone to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) than men, the consequences of career trauma can be disproportionately more acute for the latter. As a matter of fact, much of the “she-cession” resulting in millions of women exiting the workforce during the COVID-19 pandemic, is hailed as a mental health crisis as well as an economic and societal one.
Yet, despite the devastating effects of career trauma, there are ways to recover from it and go on to have a successful career. Here are a few of these:
Reframe your career narrative
Perspective is everything, and how we frame our experiences can turn them into lifelong obstacles or opportunities. The latter is best. Reframing your career narrative to see opportunities for growth, re-direction and expansion rather than loss and trauma can go a long way towards healing, but also towards making a new start.
Let go of what you cannot control
Some circumstances, events and people are just outside of our control. This includes sabotaging co-workers, ineffective managers, or antiquated organizational structures, to cite just a few. Rather than focusing on the trauma these can create, it’s best to learn to release control and instead work on what we can control, including our attitudes, responses, and resulting choices.
Seek the support you need
Career trauma is a direct, and painful attack on our mental health. As much as we may try and implement positive and proactive ways to recover from it, we may still need a certain level of support to overcome it altogether. This can come in the form of trustworthy friends and family members, or even more formal and professional assistance such as therapy.
Yes, career trauma is real and can happen to the best of us. Yet, by reframing our career narrative, letting go of what we cannot control, and seeking the support we need, we can minimize its negative effects, and successfully recover from it.
