What do you think about when you think about setting up new goals? As the New Year approaches, and everyone scrambles to set lofty goals for the next 12 months, goals are the big thing! However, how many of these goals do we really accomplish? Actually, how many do we we even begin to work on?
The truth is, there’s a fundamental problem with the way we set goals. While we get motivated for the first few weeks or months after setting a goal, the initial motivation tends to fade away as we get tired, unfocused or just move on to other objectives.
So how do we set goals that actually work, instead of getting lost in targets we lose track of? As a matter of fact, setting ineffective goals contributes largely to making us bitter, angry and resentful, as we start blaming ourselves for targets that were never the right fit for us.
Over the years, I’ve had (and still do) my share of ineffective goals and objectives, like making it to the gym before my 85th birthday. Or learning to knit one day and make my children proud at their school’s Parent-Teacher conference. The problem with these goals: They don’t fit me. I’m neither an exercise buff nor a domesticated woman (although a nice pair of heels could convince me…).
As you start getting weary of setting the same goals that don’t exactly work every year, here are a few of the lessons I, and many others, have learnt about setting goals that actually work for you:
Learn to know yourself better, and what you really want
So many of us set goals without really knowing what we want. We decide that because Shady Susie’s got a promotion in her department, we should chase a bigger promotion. Or since Gossiping Gina just went on her second vacation this year, we should aim to top the Vacation Pool and jet-set all over the world on our last 401K loan. More seriously, many of the goals we set for ourselves have less to do with us than with some obscure need to validate ourselves.
Instead, let’s learn to know ourselves, and what we really want. Shut off the TV, turn off social media, and focus on what YOU really want out of your life. What have you been dreaming of since you were a child? What sets your soul on fire? Those are the real intentions that should motivate you from the inside out!
Commit to feeling good!
I credit The Desire Map book by Danielle LaPorte for changing my entire perception of how we should set intentions in our lives. Any goal that weighs you down, makes you feel pressured and not at ease may not be for you. This is not to say that we shouldn’t challenge ourselves to rise above the way we feel.
However, I believe that the right intentions for you should awaken an inner lightness, a clarity and a peace of mind that liberates you. Your intentions should help you transform into a better version of yourself. If the lofty goals you’re setting make you feel less worthy, drag down your relationships and kill your creativity, then they may not work for you.
Avoid meaningless goals
Goals that don’t carry meaning for you will have you feeling stressed out, depleted, and exhausted. Those are signals that you should re-evaluate how much meaning these goals have for you. Are you chasing that promotion out of a competitive streak instead of going after the purpose of your life? Are you doing it all for the money and forgetting to fulfill your destiny?
Set intentions that make you feel energized and filled with life. You will notice the difference once you start pursuing them, how different and better they feel. Trust your instincts, they know where you should be headed.
Do you even want it all?
One of the biggest obstacles to setting powerful and effective intentions instead of rigid goals is that we too often want it all. Society has us believing, especially as working women, that we can and should want it all. But do we really want all of it?
You’re allowed to want what YOU want, and not to have to run after every impressive goal set in front of you. That includes showing up with no makeup at the gym or letting go of a well-paid career to pursue your purpose.
Recognize your limitations
Listen, we all have limits. And that’s ok. It’s actually a good thing. Imagine being able to do everything? When would you sleep? But more seriously, our limitations are here to remind us to focus on our true purpose.
I know everyone else will tell you to face your limitations and overcome them. It’s a noble enterprise, but one that will leave you eating out your fingernails and losing your edges. Accept the fact that you don’t have a million-dollar budget (no, you don’t need to buy that yacht to parade it on social media just yet), that you’re not Naomi Campbell, and that you only have so many hours a day.
While there are times when you must rise above your limitations, like when you really need a mental health day before you cuss out your manager (and lose your Christmas budget), make sure to set intentions that let you live and not die!
Stop feeling guilty for wanting what YOU want!
Does Shady Susie’s extravagant lifestyle make you feel guilty for just wanting a day off at home on your own, with no crying kids? Or on the very contrary, does your missionary cousin make you feel bad for wanting to become a multi-millionaire entrepreneur?
Stop feeling guilty for wanting what you want. Wanting more is not a crime, neither is wanting less. Set intentions that truly reflect your inner truth, independently of your environment or pre-conceived notions.
Let go of goals that don’t serve you
Last but not least, holding on to goals that no longer serve us can prevent us from achieving anything worthwhile. I know for a fact that forcing myself to hit the gym on January 1st is a recipe for fitness disaster! When the same goals you’ve been dragging since 1999 are now making you feel like you’ve got a boulder on your ankle, it’s time to let go.
Many times, goals get passed on to you as well, like your mother’s undying wish to see you graduate from Medical School. It’s ok to get off the cultural or family goal bandwagon and set your own intentions!
What other tips do you have to set intentions that actually work in your life?
We’ve all been there, at those times when our lives and careers take a sharp turn, sometimes for the best, sometimes for the not-so-good. Whether it’s having a new job, losing a job, moving to a new city, getting married or having a baby, there are times when our friendships suffer the brunt of the changes happening to us.
As working women especially, it can be especially hard to manage all the obligations and commitments in our lives, as we’re constantly subjected to change. I know as I changed jobs, got married, had one then two kids, moved cities and made transitions in my life and career, my friendships had to undergo some changes as well.
Here are a few tips to manage your friendships through the ups and downs of life, career and business:
Learn to know yourself as you evolve and change
The first rule when it comes to managing your friendships as your life and career evolve is to start within. We all change as time passes, obligations pile up, kids are born and our careers or businesses change. Sometimes we can blame our friendships for changes that we ourselves failed to realize we were undergoing.
What are your new priorities? How have you changed your routine and habits? What are your new expectations? Start within and look at all the ways you may have changed which may impact your friendships. Sometimes, it is you who are changing the dynamics of your friendships, and it is ok. What’s not ok it not knowing yourself enough to understand who you are at each stage of your life, as well as what you want and don’t want out of your relationships.
Less is more: Quality over Quantity
The more complex our lives and careers get, which is bound to happen as we age and take on more responsibilities, the more important it is to simplify. Our friendships should also be simplified as well. Gone are the days of the big girls squad hitting every party around the block.
When it comes to friendships as our lives and careers evolve, less is more, and quality prevails. Remember that friendships, the real kind, are an investment of your time and energy. There isn’t enough time to cater to fruitless, purposeless relationships for old time’s sake or just because we feel bad letting go. Choose those relationships that are mutually fulfilling and beneficial, and keep your circle tight and supportive.
Re-evaluate your friendships often
Life doesn’t just change for you. It also changes and evolves for your friends. Which also means that previously thriving friendships may now be a drag on all parties involved. In the worst case scenarios, friends may actually turn into frenemies or even full-fledged enemies.
It’s important to stop and re-evaluate your friendships as often as possible. Remember that you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. Relationships that don’t allow you to grow and flourish set you back and hurt all parties involved. As difficult as it may be to admit that certain friendships have run their course, it’s necessary to evaluate where you stand and take the necessary measures, as tough as it may be.
Don’t forget to nurture your friendships
As life gets busy, our friendships may tend to take a backseat. As overwhelming as life may become, it’s important to remember to nurture our relationships. Whether it’s a phone call on the way to work, or checking in periodically, don’t let your friendships turn cold because your schedule is packed.
Set a date with your girlfriends to get together every now and then. Keep in touch via social media. Go on a retreat or getaway with your girls. Whatever it is, make some time to add some life to your friendships.
Don’t be afraid to form new friendships
I agree, it’s not when you’re in the middle of diaper changes, handling new work responsibilities or starting a new business that you’re exactly planning to make new friends. However, staying open to new relationships can pleasantly surprise you.
I’ve had the opportunity to meet wonderful women as I grew myself through my own career and business transitions. It was so refreshing to form new friendships with women who actually got me because we all were in the midst of shared experiences. You’d be surprised how friends you just met can prove to be lifelong relationships, sometimes more solid than relationships you’ve had for decades.
But beware of the wrong fit for you!
As much as you may want to be open to new friendships, be aware! As I mentioned earlier, relationships take time, effort and energy. The last thing you need is to squander your precious resources on unfulfilling relationships that leave you depleted, or even worse, betrayed and vulnerable.
In my 30’s, I’ve learnt to take it slow and allow for time to cement new friendships. I’m also learning to know myself better and evaluate early on whether a relationship is the right fit for me.
Don’t sacrifice your growth!
Last but not least, the biggest no-no when it comes to managing your friendships as your life and career evolve is to sacrifice your growth for them. A true friend would never ask you not to grow so they can be more comfortable. Anyone asking this of you is actually not a friend.
If you must choose between growing and salvaging a friendship, you must grow! Your obligation is to yourself first, and to being the best person you were created to be. You must put on your own mask first, there’s nothing you can do for anyone unless you’re whole! Having to make this choice should be the first indicator that your relationship is on the rocks anyways. Remember: you must choose you first!
What other tips do you have when it comes to managing friendships as your life and career evolved?
As a bookworm, there are many books I love to read and re-read, over and over again. There are actually too many for me to list. However, at the end of every year, I have as a tradition to pick the books I would like to read again in the new year, whether as related to self-development, business or career advice.
This year, there are seven books on my list of classics that have changed my perception of success and life in general. These are the books I keep on my bookshelf with the tag “Success” on them.
This is my all-time favorite, not just because my faith is based on it, but because it teaches so many true life and success principles. From the basics of integrity as people to the foundation of power and prosperity in life, the Bible is my go-to for inspiration and counsel in every area of my life.
The first time I read this book, the first question that came to mind was: “Why didn’t I read this before?” This classic book published in 1937 is the compilation of 25 years of research into the most brilliant, wealthiest and most powerful 20th century men’s mindset, from Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison and many more. If creating wealth and prosperity is among your goals, this is a must-read.
False fears and beliefs are the biggest barriers to success. In The Big Leap, author Gay Hendricks shows us to eliminate these barriers to success by identifying and eliminating these false beliefs. If you need to overcome any mindset blocks preventing you from getting to the success you’ve always dreamt of, this book is for you!
This is a bold and cunning book that will make you look at power in a totally different way! If you’re interested in gaining, observing or defending against power in your own life, career and/or business, or simply understand the rules of the game, this is a must-add to your bookshelf. From the need to be prudent to the value of confidence, it will teach you recognize and apply power for ultimate success.
Think getting rich is a mystery, or reserved to a lucky few? Think again. In this historic book published in 1910, author Wallace Wattles reveals the New Thought principles which bring the power of getting wealthy down to a science. Rhonda Byrne, the “Secret” creator, credits it for inspiring her.
This 20-year old book is still very much relevant, and not just in the personal finance arena. In this now cult book, Robert Kiyosaki explores the myth that you need to earn a high income to be rich, and instead teaches us what we (and our kids) need to know about creating real wealth. A must-read!
This fierce call to claim your personal power will have you motivated for months on end! Written by world-renowned high-performance trainer Brendon Burchard, it reveals that our main goal is to pursue Personal Freedom. In a defying work of art, Burchard pushes us to overcome our fears and self-doubt and take back our power.
This morning, my son and daughter were both painting their Santa figures. A peaceful Santa painting workshop quickly turned into a comparison war, as they both started comparing their mini works of art. Pretty soon, we had to break a kiddie war on who the next Picasso would be.
As I watched them, I realized how so many of us grow up to compare our looks, intellect, careers, businesses, down to our hair and the way our homes are decorated. From the times we’re taught by society as kids to be good or bad, taller or shorter, lighter or darker-skinned, richer or less rich, we start internalizing these messages. In turn, it becomes harder and harder as time passes by to stop this act of violence against ourselves.
Comparing ourselves to others is effectively denying our uniqueness, our God-Given talents, gifts and abilities. It’s doubting that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that no two of us is alike. Instead, it’s allowing the pressures of society, as well as our own self-imposed pressures, to not leverage what we have in front of us. If there ever were a distraction to success, comparison is definitely it.
How do we stop comparing ourselves to others when most of us are raised and socialized to do so? How do we manage, especially as working women, to withstand the demands of modern society and the influence of social media to run our own races? And how do we stay on track and on our own lane despite it all?
I’ve asked myself these questions one too many times. Growing up in a single parent family in Senegal, West Africa, being original was not exactly the priority. At the time, it was about surviving first, then making it second. Sometimes, when you’re coming up against the curve, your main parameters can come from others around you. And when you’re different, what seems to be the norm can also appear like your only parameter.
One good thing, actually probably the only good thing about comparing yourself to others, is that it stirs up a pain and uncomfortable feeling that signals the danger of it. Comparing ourselves to others is being violent to ourselves, and the frustration that comes from it clearly shows it.
Here are a few ways that I’ve learnt to stop the comparison train in my own life, and regained the peace and clarity necessary to pursue my own race:
Learn to celebrate others (without getting mad at yourself)
One of the biggest reasons why we doubt ourselves is that we fail to celebrate others. The more we celebrate others, the more we learn to genuinely be happy for others. Whenever we can muster the strength to clap for others, we learnt to appreciate everyone else’s individual journey and story without comparing it to ours.
Realize you don’t know what’s behind everyone’s journey
Very often, we envy others without realizing what hides behind their own journey. You’ve heard it before: “The average success story takes 10 years”. What this also means is that we don’t often see the trials, obstacles and failures on their path. We don’t see the sad moments, the times of discouragement, and the loneliness that has plagued many a successful person. Before you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else, consider that they may have to pay a price that you may not want to pay.
Trust your own journey
Every path is unique, so is every individual. What you can do is different from what anybody else can do. Your contribution to this world is uniquely tailored to your personality, gifts and talents. Comparing yourself to someone else implies that you don’t trust or honor your own path and uniqueness. The last thing you want is someone else’s journey.
Practice gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful towards honoring yourself and your own journey. The more grateful you are, the more you tend to celebrate your own blessings and accomplishments, and the more you tend to enjoy others’ as well.
Being grateful for everything in your life, no matter how seemingly insignificant, is like saying: “I am enough, I am right where I should be when I should be there!”
Celebrate yourself (even if no one is celebrating you)
Celebrating others is not enough. You must also learn to clap for yourself, without waiting on the approval of others. Celebrate yourself, take yourself out to dinner, treat yourself. Learn to periodically stop and appreciate how far you’ve come, in preparation for how far you’re going.
How have you stopped comparing yourself to others?
As you’re reading this, you may also be scrolling through your Instagram feed, looking at all the successful and fulfilled entrepreneurs and career women and men jet-setting all over the world…You may be checking out Queen Bey’s pics on her yacht parked on the Amalfi coast in Italy, or drooling over that influencer’s unbelievable wardrobe…
What your Instagram feed won’t show you though, are the less-than-perfect pictures of those times when these same successful men and women were crying themselves to sleep because of failure. When they’d wake up tired and despairing over the very existences you’re dreaming about right now. What many will not tell you is that it the average success story takes 10 years, and that the path to greatness through purpose is littered with heartache and obstacles.
No, what your Instagram feed and social media in general will tell you is that it’s easy. That you can just up and leave your job, buy a network marketing package, and achieve your wildest dreams in a pinch.
Not too many successful entrepreneurs and career women and men will tell you about the actual process, what it takes to get there, the sacrifices, disappointments and failures along the way. Yet, even more than their successes and achievements, it’s the difficulties along the journey that make the successful who they are. It’s the many obstacles that teach them to win by losing first, and to build the character needed to keep growing their empires.
I too, was very tempted to believe in all the hype around the overnight success stories of this entrepreneur, or that mogul here and there. Don’t get me wrong, it gives us hope, lets us dream, right? However, the reality of success is only “real” when you experience it firsthand.
As I, and so many others, are taking leaps into pursuing our purpose and chasing our dreams, here are some of the lessons we’re sometimes painfully learning along the way:
Failure is certain!
Whenever you embark on a purposeful journey, write down these words: “Failure is par for the course!”. If one thing is certain, it is that you will fall on your face at some point or another, in one aspect or another of your venture. It may be in a personal way, or in a business or professional way, but it will happen. So make peace with it! Actually, you should celebrate it, for it is the only way that you truly learn.
I used to think that failure was shameful and an indication of weak character. What I’ve learnt, and know for sure, is that failure is necessary and vital to the building of a strong character. The best lessons are acquired through failure. The strongest characters are formed in the midst of failure. It’s only when you fail, and get back up, that you internalize the lesson and dare to apply it. It’s only in the face of failure that you dare to go against the grain, leave behind what others will say or think of you, and move forward.
Failure is training ground, it’s a blessing in disguise. So don’t be discouraged when it doesn’t work, it means you’ve just learnt another way that is not effective on your way to uncovering what really works for you. Those who never fail, never learn, and you’re not one of them.
Lots of work, little pay!
That paycheck that drops every two weeks in your bank account as a trade for your time and effort? It doesn’t drop when you pursue your purpose in business or in the career of your dreams. What drops is a lot of sweat equity that you pay forth in advance, in exchange for rewards that may take longer than expected to arrive.
Many an entrepreneur or successful woman or man, has been homeless, had their lights cut off or their belly going hungry. They may not share that part of their journey, but what is sure is that they have paid a lot up front for dreams and aspirations that have only manifested way down in the road.
Very few will understand your journey
If you expect the world to share in your purposeful journey and get you, you’re in for a surprise! Very few will grasp your vision. Most will actually reject it, deny it, and try to shut you down in the process. It’s normal, the vision was given to you and no one else. It has to be birthed through you, by you, and no one else.
Don’t blame others, even your close friends and family, when they don’t support your vision. Many times, they simply don’t see it. Other times, they may refuse to give you the credit because as human beings, we get threatened by the ambitions and the desires we ourselves couldn’t bring to fruition.
Growth requires mourning (and sacrifice is only valid when you have other options)
Pursuing your purpose as you’re building your empire, toiling at the career of your dreams, or just being more of who you were created to be, will require you to grow. You cannot have what you have not grown to be able to have. Neither can you maintain what you haven’t built the character to keep.
Your purpose through your business or career will ask of you to address those areas of your life and character that need to elevate. As you work on yourself, you will lose parts of yourself that are no longer serving you. You will also lose people whose part in your journey is over.
It will cause you to mourn and bury the dead things in your life and on your path that you no longer have room for. As your capacity to expand and create something larger than yourself increases, you will need to make room. And the process of making room will also cause you to mourn what you have to let go.
Sometimes leaping is the only option
Many times, we want to pick the safest route. Keep a foot in at the job, and another building our legacy. Or staying in the defective relationship, as we pretend to work on ourselves. We build compromises that won’t let us express the breadth and width of our capacity.
As you follow Purpose, sometimes leaping into the unknown will be the only option. The true measure of sacrifice only comes alive when we have other options. When there are other alternatives in front of us, but we decide to follow the straight, narrow path instead. Sometimes, the only way to do it is to jump and work at opening the parachute on our way down.
Success is sweet, sour and lonely
How do you define success? Is it the bright, glaring light of Oscar ceremonies and red carpets? Is it the personal fulfillment of running your own race? Or is it laying on the beach in Rio de Janeiro savoring the pleasures of jet-setting?
What many don’t share with the rest of us, is that success certainly has a good part. It also has the sour and lonely part of dealing with new demands, new commitments and new levels. It also invites new devils into our everyday lives, that we must learn to deal with while still continuing on our journey.
The timing is never perfect
It’s never going to be the right time. To have a baby, build the business, start the career, or leave it all behind and start over. There is no right time, because the time is not supposed to be right. If it were, then there wouldn’t be a cost to being all we can be? Then, we would not fail and stumble and learn and become ourselves.
8. Faith Will Take You There
Last but not least, when all is said and done, faith, this undying belief in yourself and who you were created to be will take you there, against all odds. However, faith is strengthened under pressure. It’s only though the trials and difficulties along the way that you will grow this confidence and belief in yourself, and in your higher purpose.
Keep going, sis!
What other lessons can you share about the real cost of following your purpose?
What will people think? This question has single-handedly stopped many a destiny, aborted many a dream and reduced the lives of most to an existence well below their potential. For the longest time, it was also the crutch I kept leaning on to remain in my comfort zone. Caring about what people think, this disease that’s been passed on from generation to generation, especially among women, has destroyed careers, halted businesses and instilled doubts in the most promising futures. For the longest time, it was also the crutch I kept leaning on to remain in my comfort zone.
I grew up in Senegal, West Africa. Where I come from, you don’t just act how you want to act. You think about others, about the community first. It was that way back in the days because the community came first, before personal interests. As time went by though, this concern for the communal slowly turned into excessive care about appearances. And that’s the way it has become pretty much anywhere around the world, especially with the predominance of social media. It’s all about the way our lives, our work, our families, the arch of your brows or the shine of your highlighting powder, is going to appear to the world. What they’re going to think about you eating lobster on a Thursday night, or jet-setting in St Tropez on your last dime. How many likes or comments you’ll get, as a reflection of your own self-worth and validation.
At the age of social media, rented private jets and made up scenery for Instagram pics, not caring about what people think is close to achieving miracles. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve created countless memes and images around being free to do what we want and living life on our own terms. Yet, we seek approval on these same memes we post day in and day out. So what is one to do, to disentangle oneself from the prison of others’ opinions, without drifting into exile or shunning social media forever?
Cultivate the fierce art of loving yourself
In a world where selfishness is being masked as loving ourselves, we’ve lost the art of real self-love. The ability to unconditionally hold ourselves in high esteem, without doubting our divine worth, assignment and purpose. Instead, we tend to allow the wind of circumstances and events to dictate who we are at any moment.
Stop second-guessing yourself, and start appreciating yourself, even as you make mistakes and are not as successful as you think you should be. Let your sense of worth dictate how you allow others to treat you, and the path you take in this life. And don’t let anyone else convince you otherwise.
Practice going against the grain
Care is a muscle. The more you exert pressure on it, the stronger it will be. Practice going against others’ opinions to strengthen your resolve to stop caring about what people think. This is not about disagreeing with everyone about everything, but rather having the courage of your own convictions in a world that constantly demands that you conform.
Be your own person. Stand alone if you have to. Let go of the need to say yes, the urge to please and agree with others so you can be accepted. The more you have to seek acceptance within yourself, the more likely you will stop caring what people think of you.
Spend time alone
The noise of other people’s opinions very often clouds our judgment. Energy is contagious, so are behaviors and opinions. By removing yourself from the noise around, it’s easier to make space for your own opinions and convictions.
Don’t be afraid to spend time alone. If anything, welcome it as an opportunity to explore your innermost thoughts and desires. The more grounded you get in who you truly are, the less likely it will be for you to succumb to others’ opinions.
Detach yourself from the need to be liked
I used to have what I’d call the “disease to please”, this urge to be appreciated by everyone around me. In turn, I would jump through hoops and desperately try to cater to the needs, desires and whims of people around. While it wouldn’t make me happy, I’d still do it for the fleeting comfort of being liked.
Not everyone has to like you. As a matter of fact, many, if not most people, you meet, may not like you at all. And that’s ok. You have neither the time, nor the energy to cater to a gazillion friendships and other relationships. Take it as a blessing, which frees you up to build strong relationships with those who are meant to be in your life.
Open yourself up to criticism
Unless you’re ready to be talked about and criticized, you’re not ready to be successful. What stands in the way of many people who can’t seem to achieve the success they crave is their refusal to be criticized. Unless you do absolutely nothing, you will be talked about, most of the time in rather unflattering terms. Which also means that you’re doing something that’s making people talk.
Don’t fear criticism. As a matter of fact, you should welcome and celebrate it as a sign that you’re making a difference. Keep in mind that not all criticism is negative. Learn from some of the most constructive remarks you get along the way, and use them as tools to continuously improve.
Learn to master your emotions
The more you tend to care about what other people think, the more you maybe tempted to react emotionally in response. Having control over your emotions allows you to step away from the pressure of others’ opinions, and be able to look at yourself in a more objective way.
Understand that while your emotions are valid, they’re also fleeting. Emotions may be great indicators of where we stand at the moment, but they shouldn’t be trusted to be acted upon. Practice distancing yourself from your emotions, and not reacting to them, while still allowing yourself to feel.
Be compassionate
Last but not least, having compassion for others is a great way not to feel threatened by their opinions about you. Understanding that most people don’t even like or appreciate themselves, and as such are incapable of liking you, helps put some perspective in this. Everyone is faced with their own journey, and has to tackle many a challenge to get there.
Be compassionate with the people who may judge you. They’re probably also judging themselves. What people think about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
What other tips do you have to stop caring about what people think about you?
This is THE question, right? When it comes to your career, or even your life in general, the big question mark is this one: Pursue what you love or be safe and go for the job that actually pays the bills? The more you advance in life and acquire things (read: mortgage, cars, shoes and purses you don’t need), and the more people you’re responsible for, the more it seems you should settle for the latter option.
Some of you may not even be sure what your passion really is, or if you even have one. Others wouldn’t know where to start to tap into their passions, skills and talents. And for the rest, well, they may just be too tired to even begin the whole process of answering this question.
I know I’ve asked myself the question countless times, and at times, I still do. I was raised in a conservative, single-parent household run by my single mom in Senegal. My siblings and I grew up with a clear understanding that if we wanted to make it in this life, we’d have to go for stability. Forget the big adventure of following our passions.
Why do so few of us take the time to figure it out?
In college, I was always looking at other students taking a sabbatical year or a year abroad with a mix of wonder and envy. How could they even afford to take some time off to explore their wants, or take some time to reflect? There were degrees to be had, jobs to be held, money to be made, bills to be paid…And shoes to be bought occasionally too…
Especially as an immigrant, I never thought there was room, time or space to devote to anything else than working and building a stable nest. Pursuing talents, skills and passions was for rich kids with trust funds, or those who roamed freely on the surface of this Earth with no sense of obligation or duty. For the rest of us, there were responsibilities, commitments and obligations galore to attend to. From making rent to making our families proud, it was all about doing the “right, sensible thing, and making money in the process.
Is Money All There is?
Money was the big equalizer, that financial equilibrium that could bring us closer to our dreams. After all, if you didn’t have money, how could you find fulfillment on an empty stomach? Yet, as the reality of daily started to settle in, it felt like no matter how materially satisfied we may be, that didn’t necessarily equate with fulfillment. Actually, the more materially satisfied we are without pursuing what really matters to us, the more depleted we tend to feel.
So What Makes Us Start Thinking Differently?
Then, as close friends and family members leave this life, the reality that we’re not going to be here forever hits us in squarely in the face. We start understanding that time, and not money, is our most precious commodity. That there may very well be a reason why we were put on this Earth, and are given the privilege to wake up and keep breathing every single day.
Should we just forego all idea of stability?
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in stability. Stability is good. Safety is comforting. I love the idea of a full bank account, a prolific retirement account and the security of having more than enough. Yet at some point between losing people I dearly love and realizing my own mortality, I started believing more in actually enjoying life. Not in a desperate, “let-me-get-all-I-can-while-I’m-here” kind of way. But in a purposeful, intentional way that says “I know I’m here for a reason. I know I was created for a purpose, and I need to find out why and go do that.”
So maybe more of us should be taking that year off in college to travel the world, or just think about what we really want out of life. Maybe it’s not a luxury just reserved for the trust fund kids, or those who roam freely on the surface of this Earth. Maybe taking the time to know who we are and why we are here is actually a necessity.
This doesn’t mean that we should quit our jobs tomorrow and go sailing on the Mediterranean seas. Or that we shouldn’t worry about stable incomes, debt repayment and keeping our credit scores intact. What this means is that as we make a living, we should also make a life. That money is important, but should not be the ultimate priority of our life journeys.
What should we do then?
So should you pursue what you love or keep a stable job? If you’re asking yourself the question today, you should do neither right away. What you can do is stop, take a deep breath and answer the following questions for yourself:
Are you fulfilled?
Really fulfilled, as in, waking up with this sense of being full and overflowing of the goodness of this life. Or are you heavy, burdened with responsibilities, and dreading the day/month/year ahead?
No one other than you knows the answer to this question, and no one can help you answer it. This is where you look inward and be honest with yourself about how you feel.
Why are you here?
Purpose is not an illusion, it’s a reality. I believe we all have a purpose, a reason to be. Or many for that matter. What’s yours? Why are you here?
This is a tough question to answer, unless you have a vision and goals for your life. If you don’t, take some time to explore the activities and things that bring you the most joy and peace. You’ll find your answer.
What do you need to get there?
It’s one thing to realize that you are or are not fulfilled enough. Or to take hold of what your purpose is. However, we live in a practical world that requires you to devise a plan to get to wherever you may be going.
What will you need to achieve your purpose and find fulfillment? What does that mean for you spiritually, emotionally, relationship-wise and financially? Determine if it will require you to save more money, leave some relationships, address some gaps in your personality, and start tackling these one at a time.
Now your turn: Do you believe you should pursue what you love or keep a stable job?
