‘Tis the season to set big, lofty career goals for the New Year. It rolls around every year, lasts about a couple of days/weeks/minutes to a month and generally ends in a puddle of unanswered emails and too long meetings. If you’ve been there, you know what I’m referring to. You also may realize like me that with time, we may get tired of the big, lofty goals, and want something different. You know the “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of thing, just with your career on a Monday morning instead of the usual Saturday night heart-to-heart. And like so many working women and moms, you may just have come to the point where you’re ready to move on from the collection of scattered, albeit great, goals, and embrace the vision of your career that fits in with your life.
I realized after years of setting pages-long lists of ambitious career goals that I wanted something else. Something more “me”, that lets me be all of me, the mom, wife, writer, nerd and everything in between. After a career change, kids, marriage, and in the throngs of perimenopause, I was over the career hype and fallacy that women should have it all at all times. Basically, I was tired of dating my work goals, and ready to marry my ideal career. There, I said it…
Why Ditch Your Work Goals and Marry Your Career Vision Instead
Your work goals are the guys you pick and go on a few dates with. Your career vision is the guy you marry and stick with (hopefully) for the rest of your life, through the ups and downs, the kids, mortgage, grey hairs and aching knees. Now your career vision may take different forms, quite a few iterations, lots of changes, flexibility and forgiveness, but at the end of the day, it’s still the vision.It still keeps you grounded while teaching you to bob and weave through the obstacle courses of life as a working woman and mom. And no one goes through longer and more arduous obstacle courses in life than women and moms…
So if you’re a working woman looking to be more grounded in your career while still maintaining your professional edge, I’d strongly suggest jumping out of the goal-dating poll into the vision-setting arena. And it starts with auditing your career first. Independently of being an ex-auditor and totally biased on the subject, I’m also a fervent believer of the maxim “In order to know where you’re going, you must know where you’re coming from.” Your career holds a wealth of data that can help you learn about yourself, your purpose and your vision; that is, if you take the time to re-evaluate it periodically, at least once a quarter. And this is exactly what a career audit can provide…
Why Auditing Your Career Matters
Just like a financial audit sheds light on the financial results of a business, a career audit provides clarity on you stand professionally. Not only is it a powerful indicator of your strengths and areas of growth, it’s also an opportunity to reflection on your purpose and alignment with your life path. A career audit can help you determine if the work you do indeed supports you values and priorities, and contributes to your well-being, or if it’s time to make some changes.
Here are a 10 steps to audit your career and set a vision for your professional future:
Step 1: Make an Inventory of Your Achievements
This first step is probably the most underrated, yet among the most critical ones, especially for working women. While many of us tend to underestimate our accomplishments, they can be a powerful source of information for our careers. Whether these are successful projects, professional milestones, or individual objectives, do not discount them!
Ask yourself:
How did I best contribute to my team or organization?
What were my most significant wins at work?
What are the achievements I am the most proud of, and why?
Action Step:
To make this process easier, create your own “Bragging File” by using a spreadsheet or journal to keep track of your accomplishments. In addition to being an undeniable mood-booster, it will also facilitate the process of updating your resume/CV as well as your Linked In profile.
Step 2: Assess Your Growth
Your growth in skills and abilities is your career currency. Assessing how much you’ve grown in terms of the skills you’ve acquired or improved is crucial to auditing your career. So is the practice of flagging the areas in which you need more improvement.
Ask yourself:
What new skills did I gain this past year?
What existing skills did I improve upon?
Are my current skills in alignment with my career progression and industry trends?
Action Step:
To help with this step, create a learning plan for this year including the skills you plan on learning or improving in. Your learning plan may include workshops to attend, online courses or certifications to take, or mentorship in specific areas.
Step 3: Evaluate Your Job Satisfaction
You spend too much time at work not to assess your job satisfaction. It’s about more than just collecting a pay check. It’s also about your fulfillment, your joy, and ultimately your alignment with your purpose.
Ask yourself:
What was your level of job satisfaction this past year on a scale of 1-10?
Did you feel supported and valued at your place of work?
Was your personal life in sync with your career and vice-versa?
Action Step:
Depending on your job satisfaction score, asses what needs to change in your career. It may be considering a new role, seeking a promotion, or making a lateral move.
Step 4: Review Your Performance Feedback
Feedback is a powerful tool to help identify your strengths, areas of growth, as well as the fit of the team or organization you’re in. Reviewing the feedback you receive, whether in the form of formal performance reviews, internal feedback, or informal advice, can go a long way in assessing how you are perceived and making the necessary changes, if needed.
Ask yourself:
What were the main themes emerging from the feedback you received this past year?
What were the areas of improvement and growth noted?
Did you agree with the feedback?
What did you do to implement the advice given?
Action Step:
Create a feedback evaluation file, where you log in the main feedback themes, areas of growth, as well as steps taken to address these. Based on your evaluation, identify areas you will work on this year to address the feedback from last year.
Step 5: Evaluate Your Compensation
Newsflash: the gender pay gap is far from closing. Hence why it is so important to periodically review your compensation. This not only ensures that you’re aware of industry trends, as well as competitive salaries for your role, but that you also keep yourself marketable in your role and company.
Ask yourself:
Is my salary competitive with industry trends and standards?
Is my salary in line with peers at my current organization?
Are my benefits in line with my actual needs (parental leave, healthcare, retirement, etc)
Action step:
Create an “I’m Worth It” Folder that you periodically update with research on the current salary benchmarks for your industry and role. You can use platforms such as Payscale or Glassdoor to conduct your research.
Prepare yourself to negotiate your salary and/or benefits if need be.
Step 6: Conduct a Network Audit
One of the most underrated career assets for women is their network. Sallie Krawcheck, founder and CEO of women’s focused investment platform Ellevest, famously said: “Networking is the number one unwritten rule of success”. And she was right on the money…
The stronger and more diverse your network, the stronger your career…
Ask yourself:
What new professional connections did you make the past year?
Did you nurture your professional network in the past year?
Do you need to strengthen your network, in terms of mentors, sponsors and peers in your field and beyond?
Action step:
Crete a “Networking File” where you log at least one networking event per quarter, and update it regularly as you strengthen your network.
Step 7: Re-evaluate Your Work-Life Alignment
I don’t believe in work-life balance. There, I said it again…At the end of the day, balance is elusive, but alignment is possible. Re-evaluating how well this alignment is working is a priority at the beginning of every year, and frankly, anywhere in between.
Ask yourself:
Did you feel your work was in alignment with your personal life this past year?
Did you experience overwhelm or burnout? When and for how long?
Did you set proper boundaries last year to take care of yourself? If not, why?
Action step:
Commit to setting boundaries in your work this year. It could be not addressing emails after a certain time, or not working on weekends.
Step 8: Fail Forward
Repeat with me: “Failure is not a dirty word.” Research by Borgnovi and Han (2021) shows women tend to report higher fear of failure than their male counterparts, which can negatively impact women in and out of the workplace. Yet, failures are one of the most invaluable sources of growth. Hence why reflecting on what didn’t go well can be so beneficial in a new season.
Ask yourself:
What were my biggest professional failures and challenges this past year?
What did I learn from these?
What can I do this year to not repeat the same failures?
Action step:
By now, you know I love creating reflection-based files. Well, this is no exception. Create a “Failure Journal” to log your failures throughout the year, lessons learned and steps taken to address these. Remember, the more you recover from failure, the better you get…
Step 9: Visualize your Ideal Career
Now the real fun starts…Call me a dreamer, but I believe in seeing the end result before it manifests, that is, seeing it in your mind’s eye. So pause and take a minute (or 100) to dream up your ideal career. Visualize in the eye of your mind what your career looks like at the end of this year.
Ask yourself:
How does your career feel at the end of this year? (peaceful, energizing, inspiring, etc)
What role or work environment is a good fit for you?
What accomplishments would make you feel purposeful and fulfilled this year?
How does your career best align with you personal life and values?
Action Step:
Create your “Career Vision Board” where you illustrate with pictures what your ideal career looks like. If you’re not a vision board type of gal, then consider writing yourself a letter describing your ideal career. Use these all throughout the year to refresh yourself on your vision.
Step 10: Commit to a first step toward your vision!
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your ideal career won’t either. So start this journey with a first step. Decide on ONE thing you can do TODAY to leverage your career audit and move toward your career vision.
Ask yourself:
What is ONE thing I can do TODAY to get closer to the vision of my ideal career?
Action Step:
This one is pretty short. Just do it!
Performing a career audit is not for the faint of hearts, I’ll give you that. Yet, it may be the single most rewarding investment you make of your time and energy as the year starts, especially as a working woman and mom. Reflecting on your path so far, and committing to a career vision that frees you to be all of you, is already a win! And you’re just starting the year…
Will be auditing your career this year? Are you ready to embrace the vision for your career this year?
How many times have you heard women “need to be more confident at work”? How many times have you yourself, in your own career and life experience, been told that you needed to be more confident? And if you happen to be confident, how many times have you perceived or been told you were “tew much”? Talk about a confidence bias for women…
Women at work are encouraged to be more assertive, more goal-oriented, more driven at work, mostly according and in reference to patriarchal parameters initially set by and for their male counterparts. Yet, while they’re criticized for not having enough confidence, especially in workplace settings, they tend to get harshly judged when found to be displaying “too much” confidence. This in itself is the confidence bias that has plagued so many women in and outside of their careers…
Confidence bias is when career failure in women is associated with lack of self-confidence; yet when women demonstrate confidence, they are often perceived as overdoing it, and thus lacking confidence. This is how the very concept of confidence that women are criticized of lacking, is actually weaponized against them.
According to research by the Harvard Business Review, while women identify confidence as a major career obstacle, men do not. This not only confirms the highly gendered nature of confidence, but also exposes how damaging this concept can be to women themselves, who end up blaming themselves for or regretting events which where largely out of their control. Prior research also demonstrates a confidence gap, whereby women are shown to have lesser levels of self-assuredness than their male counterparts, thus lacking a trait that matters as much as competence at work. This gap can actually be traced to gender trait and role differences between men and women. While men are shown to naturally demonstrate traits commonly associated with confidence such as assertiveness, even aggressiveness; women tend to display more nurturing, compassionate and empathic characteristics, which are also reflected in the traditional societal roles assigned to both genders.
Despite this, the 2023 Women in the Workplace report reveals that women are actually more ambitious than ever, even as they continue to prioritize their personal lives. This is evidence that while the confidence bias is certainly real for many, if not most women, especially at work, it may not be as simple as it has been depicted to be. Why does confidence have to be defined in patriarchal and masculine terms and traits? Why can’t confidence also be defined in more feminine attributes such as collaboration, empathy, and intuition? While the latter are clearly leadership skills, and confidence is increasingly being classified as a “soft skill” (there is nothing “soft” about soft skills, by the way), they’re still not being associated with confidence for women.
This is why in my own experience as a Black woman at work, and an introvert to boot, I’ve had to learn to redefine the concept of confidence for myself. Emulating the masculine, and very much patriarchal model of confidence, based on overt assertiveness bordering on aggressiveness, has always felt inauthentic. Instead, developing my own brand of quiet confidence has always felt more like “me”. Granted, it did not work in the many environments where that brand of confidence was not valued (which unfortunately still constitute many, if not most work environments)…Yet, in the environments in which it has worked and been valued, the rewards, both personal and collective, have been astounding…
In some way, I have been waging my own quiet confidence war and revolution as a working woman and mom. So have many other working women and moms around… If this is something that resonates with you as well, here are a few tidbits from my own journey that you may find helpful:
Revisit your own confidence bias
Believe it or not, you hold your own confidence bias. We all do, and much of it has been embedded in our subconscious from the various messages, intentional or not, we’ve received from society. I know I’ve blamed myself for not being confident enough for the longest time, resolving myself to remain hidden in the background. For the longest time, I thought I was born that way, that confidence was a skill or attribute that I somehow had missed out on. This subconscious message was so deeply embedded in my mind that it became a personal belief I held on to for dear life.
Yet, what I learned from a complete career transition and a journey of personal and professional growth, is that not only is confidence a skill we possess as individuals; but that we can also develop our own brand of powerful and authentic confidence, especially in the workplace.
What are your assumptions and beliefs about confidence in general and about your own confidence?
Develop your own brand of confidence
What is your own brand of confidence? How do you most authentically feel self-assured in who you truly are? It took me decades to first recognize these questions as valid, and second find my own answers. I feel most confident when I am working in my purpose, writing, teaching, sharing and exchanging ideas. That’s what I would call my “zone of confidence.”
As a matter of fact, I’ve found confidence to be closely linked with authenticity of purpose and values. The more closely you are aligned with your purpose and values, the more confident you may tend to feel. Conversely, the further away you may be from your purposeful path, the harder it may be to muster an authentic sense of self-confidence. Not just the outer confidence we may feel compelled to put on display to respond to self-imposed or societally-imposed pressure; but rather the true sense of confidence that begins on the inside..
What is your zone of confidence? How and when do you feel your most confident? Are you able to find it in your current work? If not, it may be time to reconsider…
Embody what your own brand of authentic confidence is
Last but not least, embodying your own brand of confidence really means stepping into, and standing in your zone of confidence. This is the part that may require not just a mental shift, but also the power of repetition and practice to master.
For me, it’s a matter of cultivating the discipline to show up daily (or almost daily) in my zone of confidence, whether through writing, teaching, sharing or exchanging ideas. It’s the power of practicing imperfect action, day after day, and collecting the sometimes infinitesimally small rewards that add up to the work of our lifetimes.
Indeed, for the longest time, and to this day, society has largely defined confidence as a masculine and patriarchal concept, thereby creating a confidence bias that has been weaponized against women. Yet, what if this definition of confidence were nothing but a social construct that can be dismantled as well as it’s been built? What if confidence could be redefined, and reclaimed, for women in ways that truly align with their purpose and values? What a different and more evolved workplace and world we would see then….
What is your own working woman brand of confidence?
How many times have you wondered why there are not more hours in a day? How many times have you been so frazzled, stressed, and paralyzed at the thought that you don’t have enough time to do everything that’s on your plate? And how often do you find yourself at the end of the day dissatisfied, disappointed and disheartened at how little you accomplished during the day? If you have, and are nodding out reading this, you certainly are not alone. I know I have, and still do feel like this way more often than I would like to.
As a working woman, and especially after becoming a working mom, these questions have haunted me over and over again. And it’s certainly not for lack of resources around it…After reading countless articles and books on time management, I’ve realized many of those are not exactly built for us working women and mothers. Like much of the advice given out there, it’s mainly tailored for our male counterparts who do not have the same pressures and demands on their time as we do. This in turn has prompted me to consider the ways in which I could build a schedule that really works for me. I was tired of feeling like I couldn’t accomplish my goals and objectives. Like so many, I felt frustrated not being able to move forward, and experiencing a sense of failure as a result of it.
What dawned on me afterwards was that maybe the lack of time wasn’t the main issue. Maybe the issue after all, was a lack of alignment between the schedule I tried so desperately to make work and myself as an individual. Research shows making a plan and establishing SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound) goals increase the chances of accomplishing our objective. However, what I didn’t find much talked about in the research is how goals really tie in to who we are and not just what we do. Too often, we focus on the tasks on our to do list. We define ourselves by what we do and most importantly what we achieve and accomplish. At the end of the day, for many of us, we perceive, and so do others that it is what makes a successful. As a result, we often end up getting sucked into a tsunami of to-do’s, without clearly relating what we do to who we are. In turn, this creates goals and objectives that do not fit us as individuals, and as such are so much harder to reach, making us feel powerless and disempowered in the process.
This is especially relevant for us as working women and moms, as our nurturing nature often puts us in positions where we tend to consider others’ goals and objectives before our own. In addition, the pressure to conform to society’s expectations and demands often leads us to take on these expectations and demands as our own. Hence why so many of us find ourselves powerless in our careers, and by extension in our lives. The same goes for our schedules.
After years of fighting against the clock, and not feeling accomplished at the end of the day, I started asking myself if the goals and objectives I was pursuing were really the right ones. This prompted me to get more attuned to my inner voice and what brings me joy, what makes me feel fulfilled, what gives me a sense of accomplishment as opposed to what the world considers “accomplished”. And little by little, I started building my schedule around these. What I noticed as a result was not only an increase in productivity, but also in the sense of empowerment, joy and fulfillment as I started turning my schedule into something that was more reflective of myself.
As a result and after talking to many other working women and moms around me, I started building my schedule around three main principles:
The Dream time
Carving out time to pursue dream ambitions and life goals is essential to our happiness. As a working woman and mom, this was time that often eluded me. As a result, I often felt frustrated because I didn’t have time to write, and go towards the things that really brought joy to me and nurtured my soul. Whenever I try to create more of that time, it almost seemed like I was taking it away from my family, my social relationships and other commitments already lined up. A strong sense of guilt would ensue which would leave me even more depleted and dissatisfied. This is where I made a conscious decision to intentionally carve out what I call my “dream time”. For me, it meant waking up a bit earlier to have some me-time, and tackle personal and professional projects. Despite having to be more disciplined and organized, I could feel my enthusiasm, motivation and joy increase. Paradoxically, the more disciplined I became in intentionally building my “dream time”, the better I was with myself and others.
Carving out your dream time is going to require discipline, organization, and is definitely not easy. However the more you build the habit, the easier it becomes, and the more joy you’re bound to experience.
The Sacred Time
Building a schedule that reflects more of who I am is also making time for the non-negotiables in my life. Those are the sacred areas of life that we can’t reclaim back. For me, it’s time for faith, time for self, and time for family, friends and important relationships. Often, time spent at work or running around from commitment to duty to obligation can take us away from our “sacred time” time, resulting in disconnection, loss of relationships and even decreases in mental health.
What I learned from trial and error is to make sure my sacred time is always indeed treated as such. What this means is also striving to block my calendar, and build serious boundaries around my time. As a working woman and mom, I found that it allowed me to lessen the sense of guilt that I would get when working or engaging in other activities because I would know that I had respected my sacred time before hand. This also allowed me to build deeper, more intentional relationships with the people near and dear to me.
Carving out sacred time in an intentional and organized manner also requires much discipline, organization and boundaries. However, doing so can lead to much more satisfaction and much less guilt as working women and moms.
The Impactful Work time
As a working woman and mother whose time is certainly not infinite, doing work in an effective and impactful manner is crucial. Yet I was finding that many times, I was spending time on work that didn’t reap the desired results. It almost felt like wasting time, which ended up being costly in the long run because each hour wasted would have repercussions on my personal and private life, as well as on my sense of fulfillment and worth.
This is where I started paying attention to the concept of impactful work. It is the idea that one should focus on work that creates a true, long lasting and effective impact. Was the work I was doing really creating this type of impact, or was I just doing busywork much of the time? This was a tough question to ask myself, as it also forced me to put my work habits, discipline, and work ethics into a question. Yet this also provided the opportunity to really define what impactful work was for me, and how to best achieve it.
Defining impactful work for yourself as a working woman and mother, and as an individual in general, will help you streamline the many tasks and to-do’s on your list. It will help you focus on what truly matters, what will matter tomorrow, next year, and in the next 5 to 10 years. With this type of focus, irrelevant tasks are eliminated, delegated, or postponed. Instead, relevant and impactful work is prioritized, put to the forefront, and dedicated a greater and more acute level of attention and focus. And ultimately, this is how impactful, deep work gets done.
For us as working women and mothers, it allows us to not have to give up on our careers, and our work in general because of lack of time or availability, but instead multiply our productivity and impact in less time.
Overall, carving out your dream time, your sacred time, and your impactful work time allows us as working women and mothers, and as individuals in general, to build schedules that truly work for us and reflect who we are. How we define our dream time, sacred and impactful work time will certainly differ for each and every one of us. Ultimately, it will help us create the life and work that are truly aligned with our purpose and with ourselves.
Now let me ask you, how do you define your own dream time, sacred time, and impactful work time? If you had to build you a schedule based on these three principles, what would fit in there?
“I don’t even have time to sit somewhere for a minute, never mind think about finding my purpose.”
Whenever I start talking about purpose with a fellow working mom or working woman, I get one of these answers, or a variant thereof. Despite all the talks about purpose, many working women and working moms find themselves confused about the whole concept of finding and applying one’s purpose, especially in the midst of unending to-do lists and obligations, whether personal or professional. I remember being quite confused myself as I was transitioning careers, and desperately seeking a sense of purpose in the chaos of change and uncertainty. However, the more I tortured myself with the hard questions, the less it seemed I was finding my way. It wasn’t until I focused on where I was on the way to wherever I was heading at the time, that I was able to make some semblance of progress.
Unlike the many theories being shared from social media to magazines, it doesn’t necessarily take a drastic change at first to find and apply one’s purpose. Most often, it begins with re-assessing oneself, looking at where one currently is and what opportunities are present, and use what one has to expand and grow into the next best level:
Re-assess yourself
What are your values, beliefs, gifts and talents, both natural and acquired through school or life experience? So often, we drift through life and work not fully aware of WHO we are, especially as working women and working moms who spend so much of our time tending to others’ needs at the risk of forgetting about ourselves. I remember stopping at one point, soon after having my second child, asking myself: “But…who am I now?” So many things had changed and shifted, from my daily schedule to my body and even my thoughts, that I was no longer sure that I even knew myself, hence the need to stop and re-assess, not just once, but periodically throughout my journey. Have you taken the time to stop and re-assess, as a working mom, what your values, beliefs, talents and gifts are, and how you can best use them in your personal and professional life?
Use the opportunities in front of you
As an overwhelmed working mom and woman a few years back (and a few times a year now), I would mentally stop myself from growing and evolving, both personally and professionally. If you asked me back then, I didn’t have the right connections, the right background, the right education, the right look, the right “anything” really, to get ahead. What I did not consider was the plethora of opportunities in front of me, in my daily professional and personal life, that I could use to put into practice the very values, beliefs, gifts and talents that could serve me well. These were opportunities like this blog, or the networks I was part of, or the countless lessons my job at the time was paying me to learn, in areas such as management, people skills, writing, and so much more. Are you discounting the opportunities in front of and around you, that could serve your growth and evolution well? Are you waiting for the right time, the right degree, the right partner, the right “something” before you put yourself out there? If so, you may have to stop waiting and start leveraging the opportunities that are right in front of you, such as your current job, network, talents and gifts.
Expand!
You know that feeling of restlessness you may experience in the first hour you get to work, or as you perform the same repetitive tasks day in and day out? It’s not just frustrating, it’s also a warning sign that you’re stagnating into an occupation, a lifestyle, or a relationship that you may well have outgrown. It’s a sign that there is more out there, and that you’re deserving to expand and grow into your next level. Does it mean you should up and quit your job? Or that you should start over today? For some, it might. For most, it’s a sign that it’s time to expand, whether it’s into an extra project at work, another department or company, a new business model, or a side venture that will push you to your next level.
All in all, finding purpose in what you do as a working mom and a working woman, is less a matter of applying some magic, drastic change formula, than of starting where you are and using what you have. What are your values, beliefs, gifts and talents today, at your current personal and professional station? How can you use the opportunities that are in front of and around you to leverage your abilities and personality? Is it time to expand and stop stagnating? If so, what is the smallest step you can take in the direction of growth and expansion?
As working women, the challenges facing us at work and in life are numerous. While many of these challenges come from external circumstances, some of them are very much internal. As a matter of fact, some of the most powerful obstacles that keep us trapped at work and in life stem from our own mindsets.
In my own experience and that of many working women I’ve had the privilege of talking to, there are lethal, self-limiting belief systems that stand in our way. I’ve struggled with these belief systems, and still do from time to time. The good part is, these thoughts have helped me realize crucial realities about myself that have in turn allowed me to grow and evolve. Like me, you may have dealt or may be dealing with these same negative belief systems. You may recognize some of these here, and how to use them as information and fuel rather than deterrents to our purpose:
I’ve never done this before
How many times have you said this to yourself, when faced with a new task, a new job, or even a new relationship? Yet, it’s one of the biggest fallacies out there, preventing you from growing, evolving and challenging yourself and the status quo. Truth is, most of what is going to help you learn, grow and get to the next level, whether in your career or personal life, is going to be outside of your comfort zone. It will be something you’ve never done before, or imagined doing before.
As an introverted homebody who likes my comfortable spot on the couch with a comfortable book and cup of coffee, getting out of my comfort zone has been a stretch. Yet, it’s in unfamiliar environments, speaking to or teaching an audience that I have learnt the most. In the end, I’m learning to choose growth over comfort.
I’m not enough/I shouldn’t be here/ I’m not qualified enough
Most negative self-beliefs are rooted in this one thought: “I’m not enough!” It may have been something said to you, or inferred by a well-meaning person early on in life, or a thought you believed in after a traumatic experience. Whatever its source, it may have transmuted into a major block in your work and life. In your career, it may manifest as impostor syndrome, rooted in a general low sense of self-esteem. As a woman, you may be particularly prone to it through society’s conditioning and negative messages around the false limitations of womanhood.
This is one belief I’ve had to learnt to re-wire in my mind and life. Learning to increase your sense of self-worth is not only possible, it’s one of the most generous gifts you can offer yourself as a working woman. It may require you to invest in therapy, self-care, and mindset work, but in the end, it will prove to be the best investment you’ve ever made.
What are they going to think?
If like myself you’ve grown up in social settings where the opinions of others are highly valued, you may have asked yourself this question over and over again. As an African woman, community has always been important to me, and this in highly positive ways. Yet, the downside of this is that it may create a need to conform to others’ opinions of us, which may turn dangerous on our path to accomplishing our purpose.
While caring about others is important, holding their opinions of us over our heads is a sure formula for disaster in all areas of our lives. Learning to detach ourselves from others’ opinions in a healthy and considerate way is absolutely necessary to allow oneself to evolve. For me, it means respecting others’ opinions while committing to pursuing my own path.
It’s too late / It’s not the right time/I don’t have enough time
Change tends to happen at the most inconvenient times. Often, it feels like it’s too late, or it’s not the right time. Such beliefs end up keeping up from moving forward at work and/or in life. We think that we’ve missed our opportunity, that the door has closed for us, which is often misleading.
Deciding to back to school in my late thirties, I felt like it was way too late for what seemed like starting over again, especially after getting married and having kids. Yet, seizing the opportunity at an apparently inopportune time has proven to stretch and teach me in ways I could not have imagined. It is never too late, and the time is always right to do what’s right for you…
Have you been grappling with any of these negative belief systems or any other? How have you been dealing with these?
Sometimes, the path chooses you. Sometimes, it’s not just you putting your ducks in a row, carefully planning for your future, dressing up your 5 or 10-year plan, and getting your coins in order. Sometimes, you seem to stumble upon a career and life path you may not even have seen coming, treading on waters you never suspected you’d be even touching…Many refer to it as the accidental career, the road less traveled they ended up traveling on, when it appeared as though they were destined for something entirely different. Or so they thought…
As a self-proclaimed introvert, it seemed as if I stumbled upon a path of teaching and writing that often made me more visible than I thought I could handle. For someone who enjoyed peace and quiet, and was often told as a child that I was too “timid”, stepping in front of a classroom or an audience felt strange at first. Sharing written words would feel awkward too. After all, I had initially picked a safe, reliable accounting career that would allow me to quietly work behind the scenes while providing me with a comfortable financial cushion. Over time though, my business and writing career expanded and morphed into a path that chose me more than I picked it…Or so I thought…
If you’re reading this, and are unsure as to where your career and life path is taking you, you’re not alone. As a matter of fact, you may just be in the right place at the right time. You see, very often, the path that chooses us has been in us from the beginning. However, it may have been clouded by the words and intentions of otherwise well-intentioned adults, who may at some point or another, have told you that you were made for this and not for that. That you were too much of this and not enough of this…Maybe a teacher told you you weren’t smart enough, or too slow. After all, Einstein aka the synonymous to genius, didn’t speak fluently until he was nine, prompting his educators to believe he was slow…Think of that…
When the path chooses you, the truth is that it’s always been in you. It may have been hidden by the culture or environment you were in so early on that you forgot who you truly were made to be to. It may have been silenced by well-intentioned, or not so well-intentioned critics, who didn’t see in you what was really there. However, if you turn back and retrace the steps of your life and career path, you may find that there were clues leading you to this not-so-accidental career after all. I can re-trace my steps and find the stories I used to share with my classmates. I can walk a few decades back and see the admiring look on my face whenever I saw my mother dressed up for work. I can look over my shoulder and see the little girl reciting speeches and poems to the plants in our small apartment…
When you’re at a crossroads and it seems that the path chose you, that you have to now answer this call that may disrupt your life and bring chaos to the carefully orchestrated order you were desperately trying to set, don’t be afraid that the path chose you. Maybe you just got fired so you can start the business. Maybe the job didn’t work out so you could step into your purpose of helping others through the gifts and talents you’ve been sleeping on all along. Maybe the path choosing you is not so accidental, and is instead the blessing in disguise that is leading you to realize the full potential of who you are….
When the path chooses you, allow it to disrupt your five or ten-year plan. Let it pull you towards the purpose that has always been brewing inside of you. Open yourself up to discovering where this not-so-accidental work is taking you, what it stands to teach you, and how it will help others find the courage to tread on their own path as well…
There’s a lot of talk out there about Purpose, how we can walk in our purpose, do things according to our own purpose, be more purposeful, etc…While much of it is so inspiring, many of us also find ourselves asking: “But…what is my purpose? How do I figure it out? And how do I even begin to walk in it when I don’t even know what it is to start with?” This is without mentioning the guilt associated with focusing on our purpose, instead of doing what everyone else seems to be doing, that is going through the motions of work and life, making a paycheck, paying bills, etc…
I know I’ve asked myself the question over and over again. After years of being in a career that did not bring the type of fulfillment I was seeking, I decided to find out what this purpose thing was all about. I knew I had a passion for writing and teaching, yet I had no clue how to fit it in with who I had become, what I was doing, and my current family and personal situation.
The question I kept asking myself was: “How do we get there?”, “there” being that point where we can all get to work and live according to our divine purpose. How do we even figure out what this divine purpose is? And where do we start this entire process, while still paying our bills, catching up on email, and keeping our skin hydrated and moisturized?
One conversation with a dear mentor of mine put me on the path to answering, if not all these questions, at least some of them. He equated the whole process of getting “there”, or anywhere for that matter, to climbing a mountain and reaching the top. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. What if every process we undertake is really just like climbing a mountain? What if this most important process of working and living on purpose is just that, climbing our own mountains of potential to reach the top of our divine purpose. And just like reaching the pinnacle of any mountain, there has to be steps we discipline ourselves to follow:
The Foundation Principle: Building on the skills, lessons and experiences you’ve gathered so far
Where do you start on any new process, especially one as big as fulfilling your divine purpose? What do you build on? Where do you even begin?
Although I spent much time wondering about this, the answer turned out to be simpler than I thought. Start where you are, with what you have. This also means leveraging all the experiences, the wisdom, the victories but also the failures we’ve been through. When I went through the exercise of documenting everything I had already accomplished and learnt, even if it seemed insignificant or not particularly positive, I realized I had more than I thought to get started. It also gave me the motivation and encouragement I needed to get on my own journey of purpose and fulfillment, as I remembered how much I had already done.
Can you think back to everything you’ve already achieved, learnt and acquired, in addition to all the natural skills, talents and abilities you naturally possess? As a matter of fact, can you make an inventory of all you’ve already been through and acquired over time? You may not give credit for everything you’ve accomplished.
The Choice Principle: Choosing the goals and objectives that are appropriate for you
How many times have you made a decision based on what someone else thought? How often have you even shifted the entire direction of your career, business, or even love life towards what some semi-influential person in your life recommended? If you come from most African families, you may remember your mom, dad, auntie or uncle prematurely brag about your bright future career as a “doctor” or “engineer”. That may have been the reason why you struggled in Pre-med, before realizing your acute fear of blood and dropping out. Or walking out of your cubicle one day, throwing your engineer’s hat out, and going back to school for creative writing…
When picking our own mountains to climb, we can be tempted to set other people’s goals and objectives as our own. It may be out of a faulty sense of duty, compromise, or because we’re afraid to pursue our own dreams.
The People Principle: Build a network that pushes you to become your best self
Working and living on purpose also requires you to surround yourself with the right people. People who inspire you, motivate you, push you, mentor you. People whom you can also serve as mentors for. Often, the reason we’re not reaching our potential is because we’re simply in the wrong environment.
In the same way that you’d pick a supportive, able team to help you hike up a mountain, you also need the right people around you to reach your purpose at work and in life.
The Preparation Principle: Gathering your resources to work and live on purpose
What do you need to fully engage in the process of working and living on purpose? If you had to pack a bag on this purpose journey, what would it include? And what would you leave behind?
As I embarked on my own purpose journey, I quickly realized that there were quite a few of the resources I needed that I was sorely missing. I had to work on my mindset, my sense of self-worth, but also on my relationships, my ability to learn and adapt, and my faith. These are some of the most precious resources to gather on the journey to working and living on purpose.
The Resilience Principle: Dealing with opposition
One thing that you can count on as you pursue Purpose in your career, business and life is opposition. There is something about stepping into unfamiliar, uncomfortable and often unchartered territory that makes others, especially those who “knew you when”, uncomfortable.
As you transform through the process of working and living on purpose, you’ll need the appropriate tools to face the opposition that will inevitably come your way. These include a strong sense of self, an extra dose of resilience, and a solid “why” to remind you of the very reason you started this journey in the first place, whatever it may be…
The Courage Principle: Developing the courage to keep going
Following Purpose is hard. For some, it may mean leaving a comfortable, well-paying career to start a business. For others, it may mean transitioning to a new environment or different relationships. While in the beginning, the prospect of being more fulfilled may seem exciting, in the long run, it can be easy to give up when faced with inevitable difficulties, opposition and struggles. After all, most new businesses fail in their first year, mostly because of how hard they are to sustain in the long run.
This is where developing the courage to keep going comes into play. It’s rooted in constant self-affirmation, positive support, and a strong faith in your mission.
The Celebration Principle: Learning to celebrate and moving on to the next mountain
The journey to work and live on purpose is very much a transformative one. While it’s challenging, it’s also so rewarding when we finally make it to the top of our mountains of potential, and achieve the goals that get us to activate our purpose. Yet, how often do we stop to take in the view, take a breath of fresh air, and really appreciate how far we’ve come? Not nearly as often as we should…
Instead, we tend to rush from one accomplishment to the next, burying ourselves under endless obligations and commitments. Before you know it, the same joy, fulfillment and sense of purpose we were starting to feel starts evaporating, diluted by unhealthy pressure.
This is why learning to celebrate and honor every milestone is so important, before moving on to the next goal, the next objective, the next goalpost on our way to fulfilling our divine potential.
Which one of these principles do you struggle the most with?
