by Solange Lopes | Oct 23, 2018 | Working Mom & Woman Tips
Have you ever felt the pressure to be the perfect working mom or parent in general? Do you scroll through social media picture-perfect accounts of overachieving parents spending their weekends on the soccer field or traveling to ballet competitions, wondering if your own parenting is sub-par? Or are you exhausted trying to keep up with the impossibly busy schedules of your little (or not so little) ones?
As a perfectionist, ex-teacher pet and recovering overachiever, I believed the same qualities could be applied to parenting when I became a parent myself. Add to that being an African immigrant subjected to the excellence standard so many immigrants are familiar with, I thought it natural to pass it on to my children as well. Although I’m not the kind of mom you’d catch baking batches of cookies for the school’s bake sale or running from competitive soccer games to ballet competitions, there’s still enough of the “perfect parenting pressure” of modern times to keep me on my tired working mom toes. Enough to keep me, and other working moms and parents, pushing ourselves to do as much as humanly possible to cater to every sporting event, school activity, or extra-curricular requirement of our children (and exhausting ourselves in the process)…
Growing up in Senegal, West Africa, in a loving, yet strict single-parent household, I was fortunate enough to experience the tough yet wise African kind of parenting. That brand of parenting where love meant injecting a healthy dose of “constructive” criticism” to everything you did, and holding you to rigid standards of respect and social behavior. The kind of parenting where affection was served with a helping of struggle and a “you can’t have it your way” attitude. While I was privileged in many aspects, there was no being shuttled left and right to a gazillion activities, I had to figure out my own homework, and I had better not bring anything less than an A home. Oh, and did I mention, all family members, plus the neighbors, were not only allowed, but encouraged, to set me straight shall I stray from the expected path.
Fast-forward a few years, becoming a parent myself, as an immigrant, I’d find myself running to and fro activities and poring over school projects too big for my limited artistic skills. Add to that feeling guilty for messing up the frosting on the Halloween brownies and missing my son scoring a goal beI had never signed up to be a perfect parent, so I had to check myself (and my own sanity). I also had to learn that perfect parenting is a myth that can only end up with thinned edges and premature fine lines. Instead, I opted for imperfect, yet healthy, parenting, and this is why:
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There is no such thing as a perfect mom/parent
Repeat after me: there is no perfect parent. There has never been, and never will be. Parenting is a process, which also means we are ALL learning, including the moms who are dealing with their fourth child and those who are just starting out. Different parenting approaches work for different families
Accepting this fact goes a long way in helping to deal with the normal ups and downs of parenting. I know it helped, and still does help me, on those days when mommy guilt overtakes me and I’m not sure what I’m doing any more.
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You are not just a mom
I often hear the phrase: “Being a mom is my most important job”. I’d agree. I’d even go a step further, motherhood, and parenting in general, is a lifetime commitment. My maternal grandmother used to say: “Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems”. I can now see why…
However, we’re not just moms, despite it being so important in our lives. We’re also individuals with full personalities, particularities and lives, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, filled with divine potential and purpose. Developing all these parts of ourselves also helps us become the best, yet still imperfect, mothers we are.
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Allow yourself room to grow (and teach your kids to grow as well)
Being an imperfect parent has lots of perks, one of which being that it allows you room to grow as a mom. It also allows you to teach your kids to grow with you. I’m always learning about better ways of parenting that are more aligned with who I am, which makes the entire process so much more exciting and rewarding! As I forgive myself for the mistakes I make, I can also teach my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes, and grow in the process too.
Maybe the best way to parent is to be more open, vulnerable, and imperfect. Maybe it’s less about teaching our kids who they should be, but showing them how they can be who they were created to be…
The Corporate Sis.
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by Solange Lopes | Oct 16, 2018 | Career
Have you ever noticed how even with the best of intentions and incredible amounts of willpower, you may still not be reaching your goals? Have you over-exerted yourself over and over again, only to end up so far from your objectives that you lost all motivation? Do you often wonder what else you have to do to push through your blocks, eliminate your distractions and finally get things done? I asked myself these same questions too many times to count. I know I’m not the only one…until I realized that it was not so much what I was doing, as opposed to how I was thinking. While I was so absorbed in “doing”, I forgot that my thinking played an even bigger role in the direction of my life and career, and that ultimately, it’s really “mind over matter”…
You may be the most motivated person around. Yet, if you keep having thoughts of self-doubt, powerlessness and ineffectiveness, you may just be wasting your time, energy and efforts. Even when you achieve your most important goals and objectives, you may end up running out of stamina and be unable to keep your efforts consistent. You may fall prey to distractions (as you catch yourself scrolling through Instagram), procrastinate, or simply talk yourself out of your best opportunities, all because of your mindset and the way you think.
As women especially, we tend to be socialized around negative thought patterns about who we are and what we do, at work and in life. From being forced to shatter the glass ceiling to fighting for equal rights in other areas of work and life, it can be easy (and tempting) to give in to negative mindsets and block any progress.
As I struggled with my own negative mindset patterns, here are a few things I learned about having a “mind over matter” mindset:
Dress up your mind
If you know me, you know I love dressing up. I’m also West African, which means I follow a long tradition of African elegance. It also means being over the top every now and then, but I digress…My point is, very often, we worry about dressing up the outside without thinking about the impact our minds have on our lives. What if we dressed up our minds with the same care and attention we use to dress ourselves up? What if, instead of dwelling in negativity, procrastination and ineffectiveness, we chose instead to put on our best mindset to tackle our goals on a daily basis?
I’ve learnt that in order to master one’s mindset, you need to work at dressing it up in the best way you can. You need to actually put positive thoughts on, practice regular mindset routines, oh….and get off Instagram too!
Be aware of your thoughts
It’s one thing to dress your mind up, repeat one hundred affirmations before 8am, and be ready to take on the world mentally! It’s another to actually be aware of your own thoughts and the negative patterns that may be preventing you from being your best self.
I’ve learnt to pay attention to my own thought patterns by recognizing them first. What are the self-defeating thoughts and patterns you need to be aware of?
Watch your surroundings
The environment you’re in plays a large role in the way you think. It took me a long time to understand that we absorb energies around us, especially as introverts and empaths. As women especially, we’re often in positions where we care for those around us, from our families to our co-workers. This is great if you happen to be in positive, supportive and fulfilling environments.
However, if you happen to be in negative, toxic and even damaging environments, it can single-handedly thwart your growth and progress. As a matter of fact, such surroundings can even make you sick. As you look around you, are your surroundings keeping you from being your best self?
Understanding the importance that my mindset plays in my life changed it for the better. It can be very easy to let your thoughts run wild and lose control over many, if not most, areas of your life. Yet, with the same care that we put in getting dressed up for applying our makeup on, we can change the course of our entire life and work.
Now your turn: How has your mindset changed your life for the better or for the worse?
The Corporate Sis
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by Solange Lopes | Oct 4, 2018 | Career, Working Mom & Woman Tips
I often talk about being moderated, driven, and pursuing your goals as a working woman. However, there also times when being overly driven and motivated can create significant overwhelm in your life. I know I’ve found myself in overwhelming situations more often than I wanted to as a result of wanting to cram as much in my schedule as possible. As a working mom, I wanted it all to fit in. The family, the career, the side hustle, even the worship and praise. It had to all fit in. Until I started getting so tired, irritable, and out of sorts, that I couldn’t recognize myself. It doesn’t help that in the age of female empowerment and social media, we are constantly egged on to continually hustle and do whatever it takes to succeed.
Overwhelm happens. As a matter of fact, it happens to many, if not most women. However, it doesn’t have to. We don’t have to live as victims into a continuous sense of never being on top of our schedule or our lives in general even when our to do list mountable feel like there never going to be enough hours in the day, they are ways to beat overwhelm:
Acknowledge the situation
When busyness becomes a badge of honor, it can be easy to deny the fact that we’re overwhelmed. Instead, we start thinking that being constantly tired and at a of loss is a normal state of being. It begins with acknowledging the problem before we can actually solve it. Are you not feeling yourself? Do you feel constantly exhausted and not in control of your time, do you feel like you’re constantly on the go and never have a minute to stop? These and so many others are clean signs that you may be overwhelmed.
It took a long while for me to acknowledge that I was indeed overwhelmed. As a recovering people-pleaser, saying “yes” to every request was the norm for me. When overwhelm started settling in, I was first in a state of denial, feeling guilty for not being able to handle it all. It actually took having the honesty and humility to admit to myself that I was in over my head to start changing things.
Identify the sources of your problem.
The next step is to recognize what is causing your sense of overwhelm. It may be that you have unreasonable expectations as to your schedule or the demands of your life and work. Most often, it is the case. Identifying the source(s) of your overwhelm is a powerful tool to target what needs to changed.
After admitting to myself that I was indeed overwhelmed, I had to identify what was causing such an imbalance in my life and work. I recognized that my then-lack of organization, as well as my inability to prioritize, were to blame. It was clear then that I had to double down on organizational skills, and do less while having more impact and…less overwhelm.
Start making small changes.
The mistake we often make when trying to beat overwhelm as working women is to make too drastic changes all at once. Instead, start by making small changes to your daily schedule. I know I had to begin small to keep from being panicked at the idea of reducing my to do list. What that meant for me was to try to target the most critical aspects of my work and life first, one day at a time . What does it mean for you? What small changes can you start implementing on a day-to-day basis?
What this meant for me was to re-evaluate my daily routine. I realized there were many commitments that did not have any impact on my productivity or the overall goals I was setting for myself. Realizing this was allowed me to start making small modifications to my schedule, such as waking up earlier, re-evaluating my involvement in certain non-critical projects, and backing out of projects I could not commit to.
Identify what matters to you
The main reason why we get overwhelmed is that we simply try to do too much. We get away from what’s really important to us to try and control everything else. This is why it’s so important to come back to your list of priorities and identify what matters most to you. Is it your family? Is it your work? Even within your family and your work, what aspects are most important to you?
For me, it was coming back to the essentials, such as spending fruitful time with my loved ones, or focusing on work that really mattered to myself and others. It wasn’t until I clearly and unapologetically pinpointed these that I was able to pursue my goals more proactively.
Give yourself grace
Beating overwhelm is not an easy process. You may encounter feelings of guilt, self-doubt and self questioning all along the way. It helps to forgive yourself and allow yourself some grace, patience and understanding through this process.
For me it meant condemning myself less for being overwhelmed and trying to change on a daily basis. It also meant not being overly harsh with myself on days when I still felt under pressure. It also meant being willing to move on from failures, and apply the lessons learnt going forward.
Now your turn: how do you beat overwhelm in your work and life as a working woman?
To your success,
The corporate sister.
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by Solange Lopes | Oct 3, 2018 | Career
For many of us, especially as working women, finishing the year strong is an important priority. It can also be a quite the burden, as the end of the year is a stressful time. Not only is it sometimes instrumental to our success at work and in life, but the pressure of the coming holidays also adds to the general sense of overwhelm.
I used to dread the last quarter of the year thinking about the holidays, performance reviews, year-end commitments, and other obligations would have me breaking in hives at the drop of a hand. It took a long time for me to sit down with me, myself and I, and start trying to find ways to finish the year strong and reduce the stress at year-end.
Related: How to deal with office stress during the holidays
Here are seven tips that can help you finish this your strong:
Make an inventory of what you have accomplished so far
It always helps to start with the good stuff. What have you succeeded at so far in the year? What have your accomplishments been? Taking stock of your successes not only helps put perspective in your journey; but it also helps you visualize where you stand in terms of the goals you set at the beginning of the year. I like to sit with a piece of paper and a pen as I enter the last quarter of the year and take stock of my accomplishments, as a way to boost myself up and to see how many of my goals I have actually met. It also gives me a good sense of how far I have to go for the remainder of the year.
While it’s important to take stock of your successes and celebrate, it’s crucial to understand everything you have learned in the course of the year. This may come as a result of failures, learning experiences and your overall journey as a whole. I like to keep a running tally of everything I learned through every project I tackle in my work and my business. This is very helpful for me to take stock of my progress, but also a performance review time when I actually have to discuss this progress throughout the year.
Make an inventory of what you need to finish
Now that you’ve taken stock of your accomplishments, it’s time to consider what you need to finish to achieve your goals for the year. Which projects have been lagging behind and do you need to complete? Which major goals are unfinished and need you to push forward before the year ends? Are there any new commitments you need to attend to?
As I approach and enter every quarter, especially the last quarter of the year, it’s important for me to make a list entitled “To Finish”. These are the important commitments and projects that need to absolutely be completed by the end of the year.
Clean Your Networking Database
The last quarter of the year is also a great time to attend to your networking efforts. A large part of this is to update and clean your networking database, which is basically the list of all your networking contacts. Which recent contacts have you not yet added to your networking database? Which contacts have you not kept touch with in more than six months? Which contacts may you need to remove from your networking database?
Related: 7 ways to Refresh Your Networking List
Cleaning your networking contacts database is key to finishing the year strong, as it will help you strengthen your networking relationships. This will come in handy as you approach the end of the year.
Schedule a feedback session
Feedback is a powerful tool to assess your progress and how much further you have to go to finish the year strong. It’s one thing to assess your own progress, and take stock of your accomplishments and lessons learned; it’s another to have the perspective of someone else on it.
Related: 4 ways to leverage the power of feedback in your career
Schedule some time with your managers to go over your performance and get some feedback. However, you don’t have to limit yourself to just your managers. You can also schedule some time with your co-workers and team members to conduct informal feedback sessions. Having various people’s perspective on your work can help you enormously in adjusting your performance and finishing the year strong.
Related: 7 Easy Steps to Prepare for a Stellar Performance Review this Year
Plan to ask for more.
The end of the year is a great time to start thinking about a pay raise or improvement in your salary while you still have time. Schedule a time to discuss this with your managers. However this has to be a different time then when you schedule your performance review.
Related: Forget Karma, How to ask for a raise (even as a woman)
Asking for a raise or other additional benefits during the last quarter is key to securing your professional future as you get ready to start a new year. It’s also a strategic time as you’re able to gather what you have accomplished so far, as well as your lessons learnt, so as to make a better case for yourself.
Related: How to make more money without leaving your job
Prepare your year-end communications.
Year-end is a great time for strategic communications, from end-of-year plans and announcements to holiday mailings. As you enter the last quarter, think of drafting your year-end communications before the busyness of the holidays takes over. Take time to carefully craft these and schedule these ahead of time.
This is particularly important if you’re an entrepreneur running your own business, as year-end may be also be a financially crucial time for you. Taking time to do this ahead of time will save you many headaches, and avoid costly mistakes or omissions.
Don’t forget about self-care!
Did I mention the last quarter of the year is a stressful time? Let me repeat it again: year-end is a stressful time! This is why it’s so important to prioritize
self-care. You may ask yourself if self-care is even possible as we enter the last months of the year. Not only is it possible, it’s absolutely necessary!
For me, what self-care at year-end looks like is all about interweaving rest moments into my busy schedule. Although there’s much to be done, I make sure to put my phone and laptop down for at least a full day a week. What does it look like for you?
Now your turn: How do you plan to finish the year strong?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
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by Solange Lopes | Sep 27, 2018 | Career
In the past few years, blogging has certainly become extremely popular. There are millions of blogs worldwide around a multitude of topics. Blogging has almost become a cheap commodity. However, there are still some great benefits of blogging. One of these is blogging to boost your career.
As a career woman, you may think that adding blogging to your career objectives is not necessary. As a matter-of-fact, you may even consider that it may be a hindrance or an unnecessary effort. However, blogging can actually help you take your career to the next level in ways you may not have thought possible.
Here are a few ways blogging can boost your career:
Blogging about your area of expertise can help position you as an expert
Anytime you write about a given topic, it requires you to learn about it first. It also demands that you reach a certain knowledge around said topic. As you start blogging about a topic related to your career, you actually become an expert at it. This is because you would have performed some advanced research on it, and immersed yourself in it more than the average person.
As you become knowledgeable about your area of expertise, you also start to be perceived as an expert. Companies may recognize you as such, and perceive your expertise as a positive asset. In many instances, it may be what positively separates you from other candidates applying for the same job.
Pick an area of your career that interests you
The not-so-secret secret of blogging effectively is to write about something you enjoy. Blogging can be time-consuming and require extensive research. It’s important to write about a topic that you’d get less tired about in the long run. An area that is more inspiring and motivating for you will lift you up when you don’t feel up to blogging or sharing your expertise.
What is it about your particular area of work or career that part of your interest? What would you be willing to do research for for free? Those are the topics you should blog about.
Add your own spin and creativity to it.
What differentiates bloggers, as well as professionals in general, is the level of creativity and innovation they put into their work. As you add blogging to your resume, consider also adding your own spin on any topics you write about and share with your audience.
Many bloggers are guilty of regurgitating information they copy and paste from the web. However, the best ones are those who are not afraid to dig deeper and go a step above what everyone else can find on Google. How can you infuse your own personality and worldview into your perception and transcription of your area of expertise? This will set you apart as a thought leader and a potential asset to organizations and businesses looking for fresh minds and vibrant talent.
Now your turn: Would you blog to boost your career?
To Your Success,
The Corporate Sister.
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