This morning, I was given the choice to pick between my son’s soccer game and doing some work. Considering I was backed up with late deliverables, and the limited amount of time I, like other working moms, get, the proposition was pretty tempting. Maybe I could even fit in a few pages of that book I’ve been trying to finish for weeks…As I was about to slide open my laptop, something in me made me reconsider. At first, I thought it was typical mom guilt rearing its ugly head yet again to make me doubt myself as a mother. But really, it wasn’t. What it was, was the unusual clarity one gets after quite a few years of struggling between ambition and family. This clarity that (gently) punches you in the stomach and reminds you where your unique, personal priorities are…For me, it was about knowing that in reality, I don’t have to choose between career ambition and family.
I was always ambitious. I also apologized for it a lot. I still do, every now and then, but I’m getting a lot better at catching myself. When I was single and mingling, it wasn’t too much of an issue. As I became a mom (which by the way is a constant process of becoming), things changed (of course they did). To be more specific, it all became more of a struggle. One filled with seemingly tough choices and life-altering decisions. Do I stay at the job that pays me less and leaves me unfulfilled in exchange for more time with my kids? Do I quit the exciting job that requires me to be away from my family more often than I can bear? Do I work from home and miss out on the face time that may be instrumental to my career? Or do I make peace with the fact that the babysitter is really raising my kids and not me? And these are only a few of the questions that everyday working moms ask themselves day in and day out…
The struggle between ambition and family is real for working moms. We may call it mom guilt, dress it as motherhood penalty, or commiserate at how unfair society is. Yet, the reality is that we’re still left with the remaining pieces to put back together and deal with ourselves. As much as we may be tempted to blame corporations, businesses, our partners, leaking diapers, and society as a whole, it’s a fight we still have to wage on our own. One that taught me to trust and develop the clarity I needed to make the right choices for me, not anyone else’s…
If I may share, here are a few of the principles which have made the difference for me, as I struggled between ambition and family:
It’s not a dilemma. It’s a gift.
For many working moms, struggling between ambition and family is a dilemma. A headache-inducing, life-altering dilemma. Hence our self-imposed need to choose between the two. So we settle for not being all there as working moms, or not being all there at work, whether it’s in unfulfilling positions or by abandoning the career ship altogether.
Yet, studies have been revealing that contrary to public opinion, kids benefit from having imperfect, flawed working moms. That after all, we don’t have to make ourselves miserable by forcing ourselves into choices that kill us. It’s actually a gift to nurture our ambition as working moms and still be able to love our families. It’s also a gift that we leave to our kids without us having to say much. What if we could simply reframe what we view as a dilemma into the gift of having options instead?
It’s not about sacrifice, it’s about fulfillment
Sacrifice, a word I’ve come to dislike, especially after becoming a mom. Sacrifice implies negative feelings and emotions. Sacrifice implies negating oneself, at the risk of offering a diminished version of ourselves to our families and the world at large. Sacrifice leaves a sour taste in our mouths, infiltrating our hearts with an insidious, albeit silent, seed of resentment and entitlement.
I don’t want to tell my kids about how much I sacrificed for them. I don’t want them to feel like they owe me, like they now have to dedicate their lives to paying me back. I want them to know that welcoming them in my world and raising them is a privilege and a source of fulfillment and joy. That I remained true to myself not in spite, but because of them. That although there were challenges, that these made me stronger, closer to the best version of their mom that I could be. And that I didn’t have to choose between my ambition and them, because ambition manifests in different ways, one of which is to honor my first job as a mom.
The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back
Lastly, whenever I find myself caught in the quagmire of parenting decisions, this is the one mantra that brings me clarity: “The time will not come back, but the work will be there when I get back”. The time to spend with my family, to witness their milestones, watch their sports games, laugh at their jokes, will not come back. But the work, even my most ambitious, passionate, and fulfilling work, will be there, after I put them to bed, during early mornings, and in between errands.
The promotion will be there, not because I gave up on being a mom, but when I’ve grown into the version of my own brand of working mom that will receive it, and receive it well. The business will flourish, not because I’ve missed bedtime stories and soccer games, but when the time is right for this working mama. In the meantime, I’ll be a mom and I’ll continue working, in the imperfect, flawed, and fulfilling way that works for me.
And that morning, I did end up shutting the laptop down and going to my kid’s soccer game. He scored two goals, I nodded for a half-minute because: tired, and I still got to write a couple of blog posts in the afternoon and answer a few work emails while dreaming about the best way I could pay someone to wash and detangle my ‘fro….It was a good day.
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This week in the news, we were quite shocked at the college admissions scandal that’s rocking the news. Forbes Real Time explains this privileged child problem;
I remember as a younger girl, looking at successful, high-achieving women around me and dreaming of being just like them, down to their seven-inch stilettos and perfectly polished hair. Even as a little girl, I was already in awe of all that women could do. In my then-lack of maturity and experience, I believed that if only I could replicate exactly what these women did or said, down to how they laughed, sat straight, and drank their mint tea, I would also be successful. Just like them…
Fast-forward a few years, a few jobs, a couple of kids, and this one grey hair that for some reason keeps popping up in the middle of my head, and this little girl has learnt (and is still learning) a thing or two about success:
That success is well-being first, and has nothing to do with status, position, title or money;
And that most importantly, success is not replicable. We may be inspired by others, but we’re not them, and they’re not us. You can only be successful like you, and you get to define what that is.
However, it can be easier said than done. As working women and moms, we deal with so many demands and expectations on our time and energy, from well-meaning family members to colleagues at work and business partners. We have to be good moms, wives, partners, friends, sisters, ace our careers, make time for fitness and oatmeal face masks, while still keeping our sense of humor intact. If you add to it the highlight reel that is social media, you quickly realize how tempting it can be to fall into the mold of society. To look to others not just for inspiration, but for models to replicate, instead of following our own path.
In my own experience, here is what choosing to be successful like you and build your own lane requires:
Unlearn society’s negative messages
We internalize so many messages from society, from early childhood on, as to what we should do and not do. Most of these are aimed at satisfying the people around us. If you have African or Indian parents, you know you may have been expected to become a doctor or engineer. As a little girl, you may have been expected to keep your voice quiet or not discuss your accomplishments.
A big part of building your own lane of success is to un-learn these messages, which for most of us, have become entrenched in our beliefs. Replace them with positive and uplifting affirmations that speak to your power rather than your limitations.
Ask yourself: What does success mean to me?
I didn’t ask myself this question until I became a mom and simultaneously started hitting a professional and personal wall. I was no longer excited about much (part of which was due, as I realized later, to post-partum depression), and wasn’t sure which way to go in my life or career. That’s when I started re-defining what success meant to me. Did it mean being a good mom, getting the next promotion, making lots of money, or a combination of all these?
It’s only when I started defining what my own brand of success means to me that things truly changed for the best. For me, it meant then a series of small and big things, such as being able to spend time with my kids, finding time to write, teaching and learning, for instance. What I also realized is that my definition of success keeps evolving as I grow and continue to shift as an individual. And that’s ok, as long as it’s still MY definition and not anyone else’s…
Who do you have to become in order to achieve your own version of success?
We talk a lot about achieving goals, fulfilling objectives, as we keep our attention turned towards something to happen in the future. Then when we achieve these goals and objectives, we bask in their glory a bit, only to crave more goals to go after. Does that sound like a rat race to you? Because it is…
It occurred to me a few years back that it’s less about WHAT we want to get, than WHO we we were made to become. That it’s really about feeling happier and fulfilled, more than it will ever be about stuff, titles or positions. Nowadays I try to replace as much as possible the question: “What do I have to do today?”, with “Who am I becoming, and what does that require me to do?”.
So yes, I still hang out with this little girl inside of me who used to revel at the sight of these well-dressed, impressive, high-achieving women around her. And I still am tremendously inspired by all the wonderful ladies surrounding me…But what that little girl has started saying instead is: “ You know what, I want to look like ME when I grow up”…
If you’re finding yourself in situations when you’re not thriving at work, the temptation may be to blame external circumstances or even other people. And you may be justified to do so…It may after all be the boss who’s not giving you the right opportunities, or the company which may not be the right fit for you. You may be facing personal events that are not allowing you to focus and thrive in your work. While all these things may be true, there are almost always a few things you need to let go of as well and which may explain why you’re not being successful at work.
I remember having a conversation with a trusted friend a few years back. As I went on and on about everything that was not quite right about work, she said one thing that made me think twice: “Maybe it’s not just the work, you need to let go of the stuff that’s weighing you down…”
This made me think about all the baggage, both personal and professional, we take with us into our careers and business, not realizing that they may account for some or a large part of our lack of success at work.
Instead of continuing on the path of blaming external people and circumstances for not doing so well professionally, here are 3 things you may need to let go of:
Your limiting beliefs
Many of us have formed limiting beliefs since childhood, often from well-meaning adults. Parents and family members come with their own limited beliefs and tend to pass these on to their kids. “I’m shy”, “I’m not well-spoken”, or “I’m not powerful”, are examples of these beliefs that you may have gleaned from something a parent or family member may have said to you in early childhood. Without realizing it, you may have taken this with you to work or in your business. As a result, you may believe that you’re not able to accomplish certain tasks or that other people are a certain way.
Identify your limiting beliefs, or the things you believe about yourself which may not be true. What do you find yourself telling others or yourself about you? Are these things positive or limiting? If limiting, then it may be time to change the story you tell yourself about yourself.
Your fears
What fears do you carry with yourself in the workplace or in your business? Are you deathly scared of rejection? Do the opinions of others matter so much to you that you tend to freeze before any accomplishment? Is your fear of money keeping you stuck in an unfulfilling career or business? There may be many fears that may be blocking your success at work.
Identifying these fears can go a long way towards reducing the professional obstacles in your way. Once you know what you are truly afraid of, you can more easily challenge or fight it.
Last but not least, one of the most surprising reasons why you may be stalling at work (and in life) has everything to do with forgiveness. This was taught to me by a high-performance coach who specializes in helping individuals maximize their potential. Carrying around resentment towards others creates negative energy that turns into procrastination, fear or just lack of energy and motivation.
Who do you need to forgive? What negative energy based on anger or resentment do you need to let go of? This right here may be one of the solutions to the blocks you may be experiencing at work.
Ask a CPA is a column I write as a Certified Public Accountant to share accounting, business and tax knowledge to readers of The Corporate Sister.
As a working parent, you know how precious your kids are. You also know how expensive raising them can be. From the astronomical cost of childcare to medical bills, and the prospect of college education, the costs of being a parent keep increasing each and every year. Which is why most of us welcome any breaks we can get to help lighten the modern financial weight of parenting. Especially when it comes to tax breaks…
These tax breaks come in handy for working families at tax time. Some of these breaks come in the form of deductions, which reduce your taxable income, or the amount you’re being taxed on. Some examples of deductions include college tuition and fees for instance. Other tax breaks come in the form of credits, which are subtracted from your tax bill dollar for dollar or are added to your refund. An example of tax credit is the child-tax credit. However, both of these are subject to income limits.
If you’re wondering about these, here are 6 tax breaks you can get as a working parent:
The student loan interest deduction
For working parents needing to borrow money for their child’s college education, the student loan interest deduction provides some relief. As a parent, you can write off up to $2,500 in student loan interest. However, if you’re a married filer with a Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) between $135,000 and $165,000, the deduction starts phasing out. If you’re single, the same restriction applies if your AGI falls between $65,000 and $80,000.
The child-tax credit
As a result of the Tax Cuts and Job Act, for 2018 through 2025, this credit amounts to $2,000 per child as a federal income tax credit. There are no limits to how many children can qualify within a household. However, there is an income limit here, as with most tax credits. It starts to phase out for married-filing-joint couples with modified Adjusted Gross Incomes (AGI) over $400,000. For unmarried people, the phase-put starts at $200,000 of AGI.
The child and dependent care credit
If you’re a working parent in a household with two incomes or are looking for a job with children under the age of 13, you may qualify for this credit. If you’re a student or a disabled parent, you may also qualify.
Basically, this credit allows you to claim a credit of 20 to 35% on childcare expenses up to $3,000 for one child. For two (2) or more children, this credit is up to $6,000. Here as well, there is an income limit for parents earning more than $43,000, for whom the credit will begin to shrink.
American Opportunity Higher Education Credit
This credit helps with the cost of undergraduate college education. If your child is in their first four years of college, he or she may qualify for up to $2,500 a year worth of credit. The number of children to qualify in a household is not limited here.
However, there are income restrictions for married joint filers whose modified AGI is between $160,000 and $180,000. If you’re a single parent, then the credit phases out if your modified AGI is between $80,000 and $90,000.
Lifetime Learning Higher Education Credit
This second higher education credit applies to students who have more than four (4) years of college credit under their belt. It also applies to any other family members also taking classes. One major restriction of this credit is that it cannot be claimed more than once on any given tax return.
With this credit, you can claim 20% of tuition and other qualified expenses, up to $10,000 worth of expenses. The maximum credit you can then claim is $2,000. If you’re marrying filing jointly with your partner, this credit is phased out if your modified AGI is between $114,000 and $134,000. As a single parent, the same restriction applies if your modified AGI is between $57,000 and $67,000.
The adoption credit
If you’ve adopted a child, you may be able to claim an adoption credit to help with the related expenses. For 2018, this credit is up to $13,810. If you’ve adopted a special-needs child, you may take the entirety of the credit, even if your actual expenses are less than the credit. The income restriction is for parents with modified AGIs in excess of $207,140. Beyond $247,140 as a modified AGI, this credit is completely phased out.
