I got stuck at these words uttered by keynote speaker France Winddance Twine, Professor of Sociology at the University of California Santa Barbara during the 2019 Women of Color in the Academy conference. Through her personal stories, she taught us as attendees that especially as women of color, we cannot necessarily expect other women of color to be our allies in the workplace. It was at once a shocking and expected revelation for me. I know all too well of the “Queen Bee Syndrome”, and the erroneous yet popular mindset that there is only one (or at best a rare few) spots for women of color at the top. What I expected less, was the blatant truth that allyship does not always come from where we expect it to.
But first, let’s clear up what an ally is. An ally is any individual involved in the promotion and advancement of an inclusive culture through positive and intentional action. The most effective allies:
Learn to recognize systematic injustice and instances of micro-aggressions
Advocate for other more marginalized individuals and/or groups of people
Actively share opportunities, and
Listen and support underrepresented individuals’ experiences.
Often, we see allies in people who look like us, especially when we’re part of under-represented or marginalized groups. While this may very well be true, it’s also important to recognize that allyship can come in the form of someone who does not look or behave like us. As a matter of fact, there have been many experiences, forged by insecurity and a preponderance of the “Queen Been Syndrome”, of minorities acting as the very opposite of allies to other minorities.
In my own experience, I have learnt that unlike the realities of systematic inequality and lack of diversity, allyship can come in many shapes, forms, and yes, race, color, gender and sexual orientation. I think of the professors who advocated for me and shared incredible educational and career opportunities that changed the direction of my life. I think of the formal and informal mentors who believed in me more than I believed in myself. The point is to pay attention to the actions of those who are positioned as potential or actual allies, more than what they look like or what flattering or temporarily encouraging words they may utter.
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to recognize and build relationships with allies in the workplace as a woman of color:
Are they supporting an inclusive culture?
If there is a push to promote and advance inclusiveness, whether through diverse hiring practices, employee resource groups and/other resources, it is a god indicator of a potential ally.
Are they mentoring other women of color?
Mentoring women of color or other diverse individuals is also a great indicator of allyship and inclusiveness.
Are they educated about under-represented and/or minority groups at work?
Asking questions and learning about minority cultures, backgrounds and religions is crucial when it comes to being an effective ally. Someone who takes the time to get educated on what it means to be a black woman or a minority at work is also someone who may serve as a powerful ally.
All in all, allyship is one of the most powerful keys to promoting and advancing diversity and inclusion in the workplace. However, it is paramout to learn to apply, recognize and accept it so as to unlock its true power.
Do you have allies in the workplace? Who are your allies?
During Ramadan, which happens to be the ninth month of the Islamic calendar during which the revelation of the Quran to the Prophet Muhammad occurred, Muslims observe a rigorous fast for about 30 days. This is done until the Eid-al-Fitr holiday, when the fast is broken. During this time, most still have to attend to their regular work and personal duties and routines, despite the observance of the fast.
I was born and raised in Senegal, a predominantly Muslim country. Although I was raised Catholic, I saw most of my Muslim friends, along with their families, partake in the sacred Ramadan fast every year. I learnt through them the rigors of this holy month, and developed much respect for those who observe it. As Senegal is a very inclusive country, I also learnt to take this inclusivity with me every place I went. Even today as an immigrant in the US, I’m still reminded of how important it is to be inclusive in all places during Ramadan.
Here are 3 tips out of my own experience and that of so many others, to practice inclusion at work with our Muslim co-workers during Ramadan:
Get informed
Not everyone is familiar with Ramadan, and that’s ok. However, there are countless sources of information and available research to get educated on it. You can learn about the traditions around it, how it’s observed, and the undeniable consequences on work and life. This can help you better understand, and support your colleagues during this time.
During Ramadan, Muslims fast from sun-up to sun-down. This is an important change to consider and be inclusive about in your teams and departments. A good start may be to talk among your teams, especially if you’re a manager, and make sure everyone is aware of fellow co-workers observing the fast, and how best to support them.
Take it into account when organizing events or meetings around food, so they don’t feel excluded. It could be as simple as offering the option for take-outs or wrapping some of the food for later. It could also be refraining from pressuring a fellow co-worker to eat or drink. A small gesture can go a long way towards showing compassion and inclusiveness.
On the other hand, please keep in mind that not all Muslims necessarily fast during Ramadan. Additionally, some may only do so during part of the month. This can help in avoiding awkward conversations as well.
Be willing to be flexible
Last but not least, flexibility is key when supporting co-workers during this time. Different individuals observe Ramadan differently. Be open to colleagues’ suggestions as to how best to support them during this time. It may be affording them the opportunity to come in late, leave early, or maybe alter their work assignments in some way or another.
Most importantly, supporting colleagues and co-workers during Ramadan is a matter of being open to learning about it, showing consideration and inclusiveness, and being flexible.
How else have you supported Muslim co-workers and colleagues during Ramadan?
As busy working moms, we are often our worst critics. In addition to the weight we already carry as caretakers and caregivers, we have to add to it the responsibilities that come with careers and businesses. All of this often translates into negative self-talk, or even blatant criticism from the outside world. As a working mom myself, I’m certainly not immune to it. I’ve also found over time that one of the best ways to counteract this is through positive daily affirmations.
I discovered the power of positive affirmations when I first started struggling with juggling career and family. As many other working moms, dealing with the ups and downs of being a parent, in addition to work, home and relationships, triggered many of my already present insecurities. Was I a good mom? What if I didn’t cook every day? Was I missing out on my kids’ growth by being at work? All these questions, and then some, rattled my mind day in and day out. That’s when I started using affirmations to stop myself from beating myself down, and instead empower, encourage and motivate myself more.
Whether on my way to work (especially when I am late dropping off the kids, yet again!), in traffic, or in the middle of a tantrum episode under my breath, I like to repeat these as a way of pumping myself up. There’s something about telling yourself a different, more positive and uplifting story about yourself that elevates your mindset and improves your outcomes. Here are 10 of my favorite daily positive affirmations for busy working moms:
I am enough!
All is well and everything is working out for my ultimate good.
I am doing the best I can at all times.
I accept myself as I am.
I am the best mother for my children that I can be.
I trust myself and my intuition to be the best mother and woman I can be.
I choose to practice self-care so I can be the best mom I can be.
I am strong, powerful and unstoppable.
I am becoming the best version of myself every day.
I deserve love, respect and affection.
What are your favorite positive affirmations for working moms? Please share with us.
Does having kids hurt your career? As a working mom, it may be tempting to think so. Just the mere fact of going on maternity leave can sometimes seem like a step back for many working moms, as their absence in the office often puts them at a disadvantage. By the time many working moms come back to work, their most important responsibilities may have been reassigned. Or they may no longer be privy to the same conversations and access they used to have. Even worse, their competencies may be questioned, now that they have to “balance” work and life.
As a result, there is a wide pre-conception that having kids hurts working moms’ careers. According to recent studies, the gender pay gap is largely a consequence of motherhood. A study by the Census Bureaureveals that the earnings gap between spouses of opposite sexes doubles between the two before the couple’s first child is born, and a year thereafter. When surveyed, as in this Pew Research Center’s publication, Americans and Europeans have the tendency to agree with women working part-time or not at all after having children. All in all, the statistics out there are far from being encouraging when it comes to working moms’ careers after children.
In my own experience, having kids actually did wonders for my career. Although I did initially feel, especially after coming back from maternity leave, as if I had made a few steps back, the difference for me was more mental and spiritual. Having children allowed me to start asking myself the tough questions: “What am I here for? What is my purpose? How is my career advancing my purpose?” These questions in turn allowed me to re-direct my work towards a more fulfilling path aligned with who I am and what my purpose is.
Despite the staggering statistics out there, it is up to us, as working moms, to re-frame the context of our own lives and careers. Not in terms of impossible choices to make (having kids or a successful career?), but in terms of how we can integrate, not balance, the various areas of our lives and work to show up and perform in the fullness of who we are:
Allow the experience of motherhood to help you-re-define yourself
Motherhood is an experience like no other. I strongly believe we’re not born mothers, we become mothers. It’s a wonderful path of constant growth and self-discovery. I’m happy (and relieved) to say that I’m probably learning more from my children than they are learning from me. However, it took me some time to allow this growth and change in myself, as I was stubbornly attached to the way things were and “should be”.
By allowing the experience of motherhood, with all its ups and downs, late appointments, booked schedules, messy mornings and sweet kisses, to change us, we allow ourselves to grow and be re-defined as well. And yes, it also affects our careers and the way we work. It may mean reconsidering our current field, company or occupation entirely. It may mean becoming a stay-at-home mom, or an entrepreneur. It may also mean taking a pay cut, or watch our earnings decline. Whatever it is, it will rock your career, not for the worse, but for the better.
Give yourself permission to re-direct yourself
Becoming a mom will change your life, and it will change your career. Not that you necessarily need to change jobs, or switch companies, or go hiking in the Himalayas. But it will change the way you perceive the work you do. For some, it may be a confirmation of what you are already doing. For others, it may be a total re-direction.
This is where it’s crucial to give yourself permission to re-direct yourself and your work. Does it mean you should get up and leave the job that is paying rent and putting food in the kids’ mouths? No. Yet, it means being opened to a gradual evolution in your work. It may be developing a side hustle into a business while you keep your day job. It may be asking for more flexibility or considering a lateral move in your company. Whatever it is, give yourself permission to consider and explore it, one bit at a time.
Trust the process
Last but not least, trust the process. Being a working mom is not something you can plan on a day to day basis. Things will happen, laundry will pile up, traffic will keep you from making it to work on time, and poopy diapers will have you re-consider the very meaning of life.
Yet, this is not a sign that kids are derailing, slowing down or hurting your career. It’s just the signal that change is here to help you become your best self.
Do you think having kids has hurt or benefited your career?
Take Toni…Toni just lost the promotion she has been working tirelessly for all year. Sandra knows, because just like everyone in the office, she received the email announcing Daevon’s new title. The title she had been after for all this time…Although it was only 3pm, she decided to pack up and headed out the door, mumbling something about a doctor’s appointment to the secretary. She was home when her husband and the kids came home, in her “bad days” pajamas, glass of wine in hand, tears in her eyes. All went downhill from there. I’ll let you picture your own version of the story…
LikeToni, I wish someone would have told me how to deal with a career crisis at home as a married or partnered working woman. Losing a job, being demoted, or generally being unfulfilled in your work, are all things that can negatively affect one’s home life. Many, if not most, have faced at least one career crisis that rocked our home lives. I remember facing my first career crisis and having no idea how to react, what to do, and most essentially, what to avoid doing.
Unless you’re blessed with a constant, uneventful career, you’re bound to face ups and downs at work. Some of the latter may never amount to full crisis stage, but some may. Even for those small work mishaps, it may be challenging to leave it all behind your cubicle or office desk at the end of the day. If your career or business is weighing on your mind, not discussing it with your partner or your closed friends and relatives is nearly impossible.
I tried to apply the proverbial “leave work at work” piece of advice, and draw a strong line between career and home life. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Even when I swore to keep work and life separate, my face would betray me, exposing all my business in the middle of dinner. Truth is, I never believed the different areas of our lives should be kept apart from each other, in their own well-kept compartments. Everything we go through is connected, and attempting to draw barriers between our varied life experiences doesn’t benefit us in the long term.
It took me a while to deal with the inevitable nature of career crisis. Over time, through many ups, downs and lessons learnt, as well as through learning from others, here are a thing or two about dealing with a career crisis at home:
You don’t have to carry it all on your own
A career crisis is not something you have to face on your own. It’s ok to share the difficulties you’re facing at work with your significant other at home. If you’re not able to do so, then you should revisit how much support you really are getting in the relationship.
Use it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship
Tough times can always serve as an opportunity to strengthen your home relationship. It’s during those challenging episodes that partners can show more of their vulnerable side. It’s also when their commitment can be re-affirmed and even expanded.
But…don’t overburden your home life with career pressure
However, as much as you should count on your home base to support and shoulder you in times of career crisis, there’s a risk of over-burdening your relationship with your work. While you don’t have to deal with career challenges on your own, you also have to balance it all out. If your home life is at the mercy of your career, or vice-versa, there’s an imbalance that may spell trouble for you.
All in all, every situation is different, and so is every home and career. It’s up to you to evaluate the right balance between what you can ask of your home base and what can destroy it when facing a career crisis.
Now, your turn: How do you deal with a career crisis at home?
