This is a question that is so often asked of kids that it has almost become routine. As adults, we may barely listen to our own kids’ heartfelt answers, attributing some of their most random answers to their (cute) lack of maturity. Eventually, they’ll know better, get a good job and become productive members of society, at least we hope so….
I remember being one such kid, beaming every time someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
“A writer, I want to be a writer”, I would timidly blurt out, chewing on the last syllables because it all sounded so big, so…unrealistic. When you were born and raised in West Africa in my days, writing didn’t exactly make it to the list of the most attractive careers. Now if your answer to this fateful question was “engineer”, “doctor”, or something along the lines of scientific genius, you’d be set to receive a vibrant nod of approval, more directed at your parents for their extraordinary feat at raising such an ambitious child. Although I was but a child, I could already notice the difference. It was this difference in treatment, among other factors, that I was reminded of when picking my college major and later my first career. It was as if I still needed the approving nods, decades later, until I didn’t…
When I had my own kids and the same question invariably made it to my lips, I was reminded of my own experience. While I’ve had the opportunity to turn this experience into the most exciting of journeys, many have not. This is why this time around, decades later, I stopped and actually listened to the small voices telling me of their dreams and aspirations, and saved my approving nods for the next Target sale. Right then and there, I realized that these moments when my children would look into my eyes for that glance of approval or that spark of joy, could define their entire lives, in a good or in a terribly negative way.
What I also realized through my own journey into purpose is that we do our best work answering the call placed in us since the beginning of times. Which also means that our children already know, even in their own imperfect terms and ways, what they are meant to be and do. It manifests in the most basic of their interests, tastes and preferences. It’s in the way they choose certain games over others, in the spark in their eyes as they assemble Legos or kick a soccer ball, in their pristine laughter as they create things from nothing. I was writing and telling stories before I knew what stories were. I was excelling at learning and teaching my dolls complex topics before I realized what I was doing. I always knew, even when I didn’t know I did.
As a working mom, one of my most important missions is to usher my children into their own purpose, and in the process, get out of the way. If you’re a parent and you’ve struggled at finding your own purpose, are still looking for it, or are blissfully living in it, it’s also yours. As I’ve found out through the innocent yet powerful lessons from my own children, is that it’s not quite as complex as we may think. As a matter of fact, it may just be a matter of doing these simple yet defining things, over and over again:
Listen and observe
I often tell my students in college that I learn more from them than they will ever learn from me. I feel the same about my children, although it’s taken me a while to realize it. Raised in a tradition where kids are seen and not heard, it’s been a process for me to deprogram my mind as a parent. Learning to listen and observe my kids instead of telling them what to do is still a process, yet one that I strongly believe in and apply to the best of my ability.
If you allow them, your children will show you who they are, and what they came forth to do on this Earth. It takes listening to their innocent words, and watching them as they evolve and choose their paths. The end result, however, is amazing as you learn to simply let them be who they are, which is the best gift you could ever give them.
Offer possibilities
Through my own personal and professional journey across industries and careers, from the office to academia, I’ve come to learn that everything is Possibility. This is also what I strive to convey to my children, students and anyone willing to receive it.
As a working mom, it’s important for me to offer the gift of Possibility to my children. For me, it means allowing them to experiment, try and fail. Whether it’s a new activity, musical instrument, sports, or simply visiting a new place or doing something different, possibilities are endless.
Create space
One thing I realized as a working mom is that I needed to create space for my kids to be themselves. This may be physical space for them to breathe and evolve as independent individuals, or mental and intellectual space to see, explain and understand things differently.
Raising my children in America as an African and now American woman is at times challenging. Many of the core beliefs I came up with are being challenged, sometimes quite irreversably. My own children have a totally different reality than the one I grew up in. However, although I don’t have all the answers, I’m willing to create the space for them to create their own.
Time is a precious commodity, especially as a working mom. You can make more money, meet more people, buy more shoes…Yet, one thing you cannot buy more of, is time. One of the biggest complaints and regrets I hear from fellow working moms is around lack of time. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all, from caring for our families to handling our work responsibilities.
I felt this tightness in the time we’re allotted as working moms from the moment I gave birth. With the joy of motherhood, comes this guilt-filled sense that time is no longer ours. It’s the beginning of a seemingly unending power struggle with to-do lists, deadlines, appointments and other commitments, often culminating with various levels of chocolate-fueled frustration. When the pressure to excel in our careers adds its heavy weight to our already full calendars, it can wreak havoc with our entire sense of self. After all, women still handle the lion share of household chores, while graduating in record number from college and breaking all kinds of glass ceilings and concrete walls.
“I feel like all I I do is work, work, work (hellow Rihanna). I work at home and work at work!”
“I don’t even know what I look like anymore. I’m so tired all the time.”
“Where did the time go?”
The above are just a few of the reflections, at times wine-fueled, I’ve heard from fellow working moms, myself included. While Auntie Maxine is busy reclaiming her time, many, if not most of us, are still looking for where our own went.
After years of simmering frustration and self-blame at what I thought was my own lack of planning, I decided to reclaim myself. And the only place I found to fit this campaign back to my own sanity and fulfillment was early mornings, before anyone could lay claim to this precious time of mine. While I understand that not all of us are morning people, I also believe that in the game of give-and-take of working motherhood, some things have to give so we can take others back. For me, it meant letting go of my favorite late-night Netflix binges and investing in the luxury of extra time in the morning. In the perfect imperfection of my everyday life, it looked something like this:
Changing my mindset from sacrificial exhaustion to personal self-care
The cult of sacrificial exhaustion, exemplified by maternal gigantic under-eye circles and perennial coffee runs, never quite did it for me. While I still have ways to go to curb my caffeine addiction, I’ve long switched my working mom tune to the soothing sounds of personal self-care. After realizing on the way to the pediatrician that I forgot my child (also said patient at said appointment), I relinquished all claims to the title of “Most Exhausted Mother”. While this may cut some of my mommy groups’ conversations, it may contribute to lowering both my cholesterol and insurance premiums.
What this also translated into for me was to release my need to do (and prove) so much, and instead make healthier (read: more boring) decisions. Which involved adopting my mother’s ultra-early bed-time, at the very real risk of looking (and sounding) ultra un-cool. The upside? A full night’s sleep, less under-eye circles, and at least an hour to freely roam alone in the corners of my own home…Priceless!
Choosing quiet time over busy time
When I started reclaiming my early mornings, the first, very real, temptation was to use this time to add more to-do’s to my already crowded list. Maybe I could fit in an additional load of laundry, wash the dishes, or fold the clothes that have been adorning the guest room for weeks…The result? More work , less play…
Instead, I chose to follow the advice of a very astute working friend of mine: choosing quiet time over busy time. For me, it is meditation and prayer, or simply enjoying my cup of coffee while silencing the loud voices in my head reminding me that the electric bill is due. For you, it may be sitting on the porch, talking a walk, or journaling. Whatever it is, I believe it’s worth offering ourselves the gift of self every day.
Doing more of what I love
Last but not least, reclaiming my mornings is also about making sacred space for doing more of what I love. It means sitting at my old and faithful laptop and cracking out a blog post, or writing a book chapter. It’s also reading even for ten minutes, or going to the gym and buying myself an hour of thought-free, sweat-filled grace.
For a dear friend of mine, mornings are her space to dive into her artistic hobbies. Whatever it may be for you, it’s a sacred space to return to yourself before the world starts asking more of you, again.
Are you reclaiming your mornings as sacred as a working mom?
As a disclaimer, this is not your typical (read: practical) career advice. There will be no fool-proof tips and tricks to climb the corporate ladder or reach the million dollar mark in your business. If you’re looking for a get-rich-or-successful-quick scheme, this is also not it.
What this is rather, is a testimony to one aspect of our careers, and our lives in general, that is too often overlooked, at the expense of technical know-how and practical advice.
Listen to the average employed person talk about their work, and you may more often catch them rant about their horrible bosses and atrocious workload, than you would about their growth potential. Try and catch a session of “office watercooler gossip”, and you may be in for a serious re-run of “The Desperate Housewives of the Cubicle Next Door”. Truth is, the majority of people constantly complain about their jobs, from dreading the Sunday night blues to despising their annoying co-workers. Those who don’t? Well, who wants to chat with anyone who loves their job, anyways…
Many, if not most, aspire to the next best thing in their careers, whether it’s the next promotion, the next job, the next boss, or the next coffee machine to survive the day (hello work-induced caffeine addiction)….Few stop to be truly grateful about where they currently stand in their work journey, or any other positive side of their current occupation. Besides, all this positivity wouldn’t make for juicy watercooler talk…
In the much acclaimed book Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill reveals how a change in the way you think in general, and in particular your level of faith, desire, and resilience, can propel you to success. As it did for millions, this book, among others, revolutionized the way I envision success. While I was raised in a household that valued hard, tireless work, and academic excellence, I realized in the course of my career that these, although invaluable, are far from being enough. The modern cult of the constant grind and overachiever mentality, so prevalent among entrepreneurs, is also leaving us with an insatiable thirst for more that is ever so unquenchable. As a result, purpose is eluding us at the expense of grandiose status and bottomless FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). We then find ourselves in this unending quest of closing yet another gap or smashing yet another ceiling.
What I’ve found through my own trials, errors, failures and successes across jobs, careers, and through fulfilling my own purpose, can be summed up in a few words: Less doing, more thinking and being. Could it be that after all, the secret was never to work harder, but to think better? Could it be that we all can manifest the career of our dreams by switching the quality of our thoughts? It has certainly been my experience, and is now my testimony, based on these few yet powerful principles:
An abundance mindset creates opportunities
One of the main obstacles to career success is the belief that there aren’t enough opportunities to go around. This scarcity mindset is often at the core of competitive and toxic behaviors and environments, not to mention at the root of Impostor syndrome and slef-doubt.
Developing a mindset rooted in abundance means recognizing opportunities even where there seems to be lack. Sometimes, it may mean creating those opportunities for yourself. It’s also learning to celebrate others as we build our own successes.
Gratitude is a multiplier
Manifesting the career of your dreams begins where you are, which means it starts with showing gratitude for the job you have now. It can be difficult to fathom when work doesn’t inspire you more than the prospect of a somewhat generous paycheck, or that of a juicy gossip session in the deli section of the cafeteria.
Expressing gratitude for where you’re at in your career (and life in general) is also recognizing the positive in your current situation. Whenever you see and acknowledge the positive in anything, you’re also multiplying it!
No amount of work can supersede your thoughts.
However you may define success for yourself, and regardless of the amount of work you put in, you must believe it to be achievable for yourself first. Self-doubt and lack of confidence will rob you of the positive outcome of your hard work, unless you commit to believing in yourself.
It is no surprise that millions of dollars are wasted each and every year in process inefficiencies, as employees literally waste precious time, energy and money on unsuccessful pursuits. It’s the lack of intentionality and purpose behind so many business initiatives, rather than the lack of work, that really explains their failing.
So yes, hard work, shiny credentials, unwavering dedication, discipline, smart goal-setting, and a good eye cream are important to career success. Yet, none of it is truly effective until we begin to think and see ourselves successful, on our own terms.
Have you ever looked at your schedule and felt an “Auntie Maxine” “Reclaiming my time” moment? Whether it was because your goals seemed too far-fetched or that you could not possibly see how you could accomplish them all, at one point or another, you might have felt the need for refreshing your schedule.
I’ve learnt over time to periodically take a good, hard look at my schedule, especially as a working mom. Not only do circumstances constantly change in my family, from school schedules to vacations and doctor’s appointments, but my growth and evolution as a working woman and mom also mean that the way I organize my time is bound to change. What were priorities last year or even last month, may now be relegated to the bottom of the to-do list, and vice-versa. Emergencies or new priorities may also come along, thus changing your whole outlook on your schedule. Overall, it’s just good practice to re-evaluate your schedule on a periodic basis, re-organize your priorities and refresh your use of time.
If you’ve been thinking about updating and refreshing your schedule, here are 7 ways you may consider:
Check in with yourself: Re-visit your why
It all starts with you, from your schedule to how you choose to live your life. It makes sense then check in with yourself first, more specifically with what motivates and drives you, that is your “why”. Has your “Why” changed over time? Have you changed in a way that no longer accommodates your current schedule? If so, what are your new priorities and how do you envision your new schedule?
Check in with your loved ones
We don’t build alone, whether in life or at work. Most likely, your schedule doesn’t just revolve around yourself, but also around your loved ones. Check in with them and have an honest conversation about where you see yourself spending your time, given your particular circumstances. However, beware of not building your schedule based exclusively on the needs of others, which may leave you drained and unfulfilled.
Use a time tracker
One of the best practices I was introduced to in one of the productivity masterminds I attended, is the use of a time-tracker. As its name indicates, it’s a document in which you track how and what you use your time on. Documenting your daily schedule goes a long way towards clarifying where your time goes, which in turn helps you re-adjust where needed.
Find what brings you joy
One of the aspects of the time trackers I used revolved around documenting the activities that brought me joy. Doing so helped me pinpoint those tasks that would bring my energy level up, in turn making me more productive, fulfilled and efficient. In the same way, practice documenting those activities that revitalize you and that you particularly enjoy. Not only will they point you towards a more efficient use of your time, they may also very well be directing you towards your purpose.
Identify time-stealers
Another time-tracking aspect that also proved to be instrumental in my personal and professional growth is the identification of time-stealers. These are activities or tasks that zap your energy, drain you and absorb way too much of your time. For me, these are the usual suspects, that is administrative tasks and social media. By pinpointing these, you will be able to decrease their impact or eliminate them altogether from your schedule, thus positively refreshing it going forward.
Use the power of technology
While there may be numerous inefficient uses of technology, there are some aspects of it that are particularly useful in refreshing your schedule. Automating and scheduling tasks are part of these. Using the power of technology to handle low-level tasks that do not require your expertise is a powerful way to free up some of your time and create a more efficient schedule.
Build margins
Last but not least, one thing I realized through my last productivity mastermind is that an effective schedule is also one that allows for realistic margins. For instance, when heading to a doctor’s appointment with the kids, I realized that I was expecting the whole process to just take the commuting time to and from the doctor’s office. What I would not take into account was the time to prep the kids, transition them into the car, as well as any necessary time cushion in case of traffic jams or other delays. As a result, my schedule would always feel too tight. Building margins and cushions in my time planning allowed me to relax, de-stress and have a more realistic schedule.
What other tips do you recommend to refresh your schedule?
40 is not the new 30, 40 is the new 40. For some women like Kourtney Kardashian, feeling anxious about turning the big 4-0 is par for the course ( see video excerpt below). For others, it’s a good thing, at least according to Tracee Ellis Ross, who unapologetically claims that not only did her career blossom at 40, she also feels in her prime at now nearly 50. For all the women who fear, negatively anticipate or flat-out dread this mid-life milestone, Ross’s testimony sends a glimmer of hope in an otherwise darker age-conscious society.
I remember hearing all about turning 40 and how it changes everything. There is more of a fear of turning 40 than there ever was about turning 30 or 20. At 30 or 20, you still have a foot, a curl, or a toe, into youth. Yet, upon turning 40, there is no doubt about the fact that you’re officially stepping into adulthood. My closest friends and I would joke about turning 40 as much, or actually more, than we did about the year 2000 becoming reality. When our turn started looming on the horizon, we held on to 39 for dear life. Yet, what we didn’t realize then, was that 40 is a magnificent age, one to look forward to more than it is to fear.
However, despite the apparent downsides of aging for women, reaching certain birthday milestones is one of the most beautiful blessings life can afford us. As such, they should be celebrated, and the lessons learnt along the way acknowledged and shared. In honor of this, here are 40 lessons on turning 40 as a working woman:
It all starts with you!
One of the most important lessons as you age is that everything starts with you, from your interactions to the daily choices you make. This is exactly why working on yourself is the single most important thing you can do for you and everyone else around you.
Mindset is everything!
I wish I realized earlier how crucial mindset is to our lives. Once you realize your thoughts create your reality, you also understand how important it is to create as positive and fruitful a mindset as you can. Quiet time, meditation, prayer and self-care become a daily necessity rather than an occasional indulgence.
It was never about the money, but about the purpose!
While purpose may seem to be a very trendy concept these days, it reveals itself as one of our most important life foundations. Without purpose, we cannot flourish, grow or develop to our optimal level. Discovering and living our purpose beats any amount of money or level of fame we may reach.
You can have it all, on purpose!
Speaking of purpose, you can really have it all, according to your unique purpose in life. Being aligned with the purpose that is ultimately yours allows you to expand into the fullest, best version of yourself; which also means that whatever your “all” or the fullness of your potential is, is always accessible for you, on purpose.
Enjoy the journey, not just the destination
According to society, you should have such and such milestones achieved by the time you turn 20, 30, and so on. There seems to be a never-ending list of to-do’s, year by year, decade by decade. However, as time goes by, you start realizing that it’s really more about the journey than the destination. The point is to enjoy the path.
Self-care is never optional
You can’t pour from an empty cup, which is why self-care is never optional. Whether it’s some time to yourself, reading a book, or getting a pedicure, you must invest in your self-care.
You can always change your mind
It’s never too late to change your mind, go on a different path or do something differently. You can always change your mind and build the life you’ve always wanted, whether it means starting a new career, exiting fruitless relationships, or moving out of town.
Failure is opportunity
Failure is an opportunity to learn and move forward, not a death sentence. You can’t learn and grow unless you’re making mistakes. Growth is imperfectly perfect.
Life works out for you
If you’ve made it to this point, it’s proof that life is working out for you. Even the least desirable of circumstances always carry a lesson to your benefit. Keep your mind on that!
No one is responsible for your happiness.
No one is responsible for your happiness. Not your parents, not your spouse, not your colleagues, and certainly not your boss. You are. This one single realization can change how you perceive just about everything in life. So go on and be happy!
You are the CEO of your life
There comes a time when you realize you are in charge of your life and your circumstances. It also means you can decide the kind of relationships you’d like to engage in and those you’d rather exit, without any guilt.
Stop low-balling yourself
You may have underestimated yourself before, failed to negotiate what you were really worth, or settled for way less than you deserved, at work and in life. This is a reminder that it’s time to stop low-balling yourself and start asking for what you know you deserve.
Be open to change
Change, good, positive, fulfilling change is good. It’s the difference between quiet, lethal complacency and a life that makes you jump out of bed in the morning. Pick the latter.
Believe the best in others
Too much energy is spent on negative relationships and interactions, in and outside of work. Instead, choose to believe the best in others. You will do yourself a favor.
Be ok with releasing people and places that are no longer for you
Letting go can be a blessing. Know when it’s time to release people and places you’ve outgrown, from that toxic job to that oppressive neighborhood.
Gratitude is the new rich
Nothing calls in more abundance than a deep, authentic sense of gratitude. Practice appreciating who you are, what you have and where you are, on the way to where you’re going. It will do wonders for you.
Define success on your own terms
Society has defined success for women in many ways, most of which were inadequate and unfulfilling. Be willing to define your own brand of success, whether it’s raising a happy family, building a prosperous business, or climbing the corporate ladder.
Ask for what you want
The worst thing anyone can say to you is no. So go ahead and ask for what you want, all of it!
It’s ok to evolve
“You’ve changed!”. You’ll hear this a lot as you grow and evolve. Keep evolving anyways!
Favor experiences over money
Financial security is certainly necessary. However, experiences that change your life make you appreciate the world in a way that money never could.
Nurture your relationships
You cannot make it alone. Relationships are an integral part of life and success, however you may define success. Take time to nurture those relationships that matter to you the most. In the end, they will count more than prestige or economic prosperity.
NO is a full sentence
Being your best self will require you to say no more often than you say yes. You don’t have to justify yourself either. Simply saying no should be enough.
Be ok with spending time alone
Being comfortable with your own company is the greatest gift you can offer yourself. As time passes, I come to understand more and more that the most important relationship I will ever have, after God, is with myself.
You are enough: Value yourself
If you don’t value yourself, no one else will. Embrace all that you are, and value who you are and what you bring to the table. It’s how you teach others to treat you.
Follow your instincts
Your instincts are a gift. They can tell you what no other person, report, or statistic can. Trust them.
Never stop learning
Learning is not only the secret to constant growth and evolution. It’s also one of the best tricks to staying young in spirit and mind, and continue growing into the best version of yourself.
Do less but do it better
You don’t have to fill your schedule with a gazillion to-do’s. Instead, learning to focus on what really matters, what brings you joy and fulfillment, helps you do less, but do it so much better!
Build a career you love
You will spend much, if not most of your life, at work. Build a career you love so you don’t have to run from it on Friday!
When you learn, teach
Keep the door of opportunity open for others by giving back through teaching, whether formally or informally. Serve as a mentor, use your resources to help someone else, be an inspiration. When you learn, teach!
Offer opportunity to others
Along with teaching others, offer opportunities to grow and develop to others, whether formally or informally. Create a business and jobs, promote career advancement, and ultimately, expand yourself so you can help others expand.
Forget nice, be kind instead
Being nice is seeking to please through action or words, at the cost of falling out of alignment with yourself. Instead, be kind, speak your truth in love, and remain authentic to who you are, even if it feels lonely at times.
Treat yourself the way you would like others to treat you
If you would like others to treat you a certain way, check in with yourself that you’re also treating yourself with the same consideration and kindness you expect.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
If it’s not going to matter in the next five minutes, days, weeks or years, don’t sweat it! Learning to let go o is one of the most precious tools you will ever have to live your best life.
Faith it
Don’t just face it, but faith it! Believe that whatever happens, you will always come out better in the end. And you will…
Remember where you came from
It’s one thing to know where you want to go in life, it’s another to remember where you came from. This is not just about the place you came from, but everything you bring to the table in terms of experiences, skills, and lessons. You are the expert of your own experience!
Forgive yourself
Be willing to forgive yourself for any perceived failures or mistakes. Once you understand that there are really no mistakes, that everything is meant to put you on the right path for you, it gets easier to be less harsh on yourself. You’re doing the best you can!
Forgive others
Along with forgiving yourself, forgive others as well. Unforgiveness is too heavy a burden to carry, so let it go!
Be present
Give yourself the gift of being fully present in whatever circumstance you may be in, and experience the fullness of your life. Put the phone down, drop the to-do list, and enjoy every moment!
The goal is freedom
The goal is to create a life of freedom and fulfillment. At the end of the day, is what you’re spending your time on creating more or less freedom and joy? Now that is the real question…
Celebrate!
Don’t forget to celebrate yourself and others. We’re all doing the best we can with what we have at our disposal, so enjoy the process!
