For working women and working moms, flexibility can be both a gift and a curse. Being able to actually have a choice in how you schedule your work can allow you to fit in other competing priorities. You may be able to take the kids to the doctor in the middle of the day, while completing your work on the go for instance. You may be able to work later in the day while you run important errands in the earlier part of the day. Yet, what we often don’t see is that there are traps to having a flexible schedule.
While switching careers from the corporate world to academia afforded me more flexibility in the beginning, it also exposed me to the need to better manage my schedule. It was tempting to do more in the same time space, instead of intentionally scheduling my time in an effective way. There are certainly multiple upsides to having a flexible schedule. However, there are also traps that as working women and moms, we should be aware of:
Thinking you have more time than you actually do
It’s tempting to add the grocery run, the kids’ appointments and a last-minute errand to your schedule when you can manage it at your discretion. Yet, what it often leads to is overestimating your availability and inflating your schedule unnecessarily.
If you’re like myself and you tend to have a love-hate relationship with procrastination, this can spell doom over your time management. Flexibility or not, you still have the same 24 hours to accomplish your goals and objectives.
Adding too much to your to-do list
When I realized added flexibility was actually not increasing my effectiveness, I started taking another look at my schedule. That’s when it occurred to me that I had been gradually adding an overwhelming amount of tasks to my to-do lists, thus stretching myself way too thin.
While added flexibility should help you fit in a few more important tasks to your schedule, it shouldn’t take you to the brink of exhaustion. If you notice yourself packing more into your day and being exhausted or resentful, maybe you should re-visit how you’re using your flexibility.
Not prioritizing self-care
For many working moms,self-care tends to come last. The upside of a flexible schedule is the ability to add in more “me time”. If your flexible schedule is not allowing you to have a healthy amount of self-care, then something is fundamentally wrong.
Increased flexibility should allow you to have a more integrated work-life relationship. An important part of it is to care for yourself.
All in all, flexibility is a big advantage for working women and working moms. However, learning to avoid the pitfalls of a flexible schedule is key to better time management.
Welcome to the Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
Happy Labor Day weekend! Food52 is listing 10 Labor Day deals that may actually be well worth you time (and hard-earned dollars);
In “Let’s do better” news this week, Forbes reports that only one woman of color (Colombian-American actress Sofia Vergara) made the 2019 highest-paid actresses list, and we need to do better;
In other “let’s do better” news, the Amazon is on fire, and we should all understand why and how to help;
CNN reports there have never been as many single working women in history than now, and it’s changing the face of the economy;
On a different note, the New York Times answers the question as to why there aren’t more women working. The answer is that they’re caring for parents;
In more comforting news, Business Insider reports that women are actually getting ahead at work. The caveat is that the workplace culture has to be built for it;
Got a new job offer? The Muse tips you off on how to negotiate paid parental leave (even if you’re not expecting);
Don’t want to go to college? Inc. lists 3 things you can do instead;
This is a question that is so often asked of kids that it has almost become routine. As adults, we may barely listen to our own kids’ heartfelt answers, attributing some of their most random answers to their (cute) lack of maturity. Eventually, they’ll know better, get a good job and become productive members of society, at least we hope so….
I remember being one such kid, beaming every time someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
“A writer, I want to be a writer”, I would timidly blurt out, chewing on the last syllables because it all sounded so big, so…unrealistic. When you were born and raised in West Africa in my days, writing didn’t exactly make it to the list of the most attractive careers. Now if your answer to this fateful question was “engineer”, “doctor”, or something along the lines of scientific genius, you’d be set to receive a vibrant nod of approval, more directed at your parents for their extraordinary feat at raising such an ambitious child. Although I was but a child, I could already notice the difference. It was this difference in treatment, among other factors, that I was reminded of when picking my college major and later my first career. It was as if I still needed the approving nods, decades later, until I didn’t…
When I had my own kids and the same question invariably made it to my lips, I was reminded of my own experience. While I’ve had the opportunity to turn this experience into the most exciting of journeys, many have not. This is why this time around, decades later, I stopped and actually listened to the small voices telling me of their dreams and aspirations, and saved my approving nods for the next Target sale. Right then and there, I realized that these moments when my children would look into my eyes for that glance of approval or that spark of joy, could define their entire lives, in a good or in a terribly negative way.
What I also realized through my own journey into purpose is that we do our best work answering the call placed in us since the beginning of times. Which also means that our children already know, even in their own imperfect terms and ways, what they are meant to be and do. It manifests in the most basic of their interests, tastes and preferences. It’s in the way they choose certain games over others, in the spark in their eyes as they assemble Legos or kick a soccer ball, in their pristine laughter as they create things from nothing. I was writing and telling stories before I knew what stories were. I was excelling at learning and teaching my dolls complex topics before I realized what I was doing. I always knew, even when I didn’t know I did.
As a working mom, one of my most important missions is to usher my children into their own purpose, and in the process, get out of the way. If you’re a parent and you’ve struggled at finding your own purpose, are still looking for it, or are blissfully living in it, it’s also yours. As I’ve found out through the innocent yet powerful lessons from my own children, is that it’s not quite as complex as we may think. As a matter of fact, it may just be a matter of doing these simple yet defining things, over and over again:
Listen and observe
I often tell my students in college that I learn more from them than they will ever learn from me. I feel the same about my children, although it’s taken me a while to realize it. Raised in a tradition where kids are seen and not heard, it’s been a process for me to deprogram my mind as a parent. Learning to listen and observe my kids instead of telling them what to do is still a process, yet one that I strongly believe in and apply to the best of my ability.
If you allow them, your children will show you who they are, and what they came forth to do on this Earth. It takes listening to their innocent words, and watching them as they evolve and choose their paths. The end result, however, is amazing as you learn to simply let them be who they are, which is the best gift you could ever give them.
Offer possibilities
Through my own personal and professional journey across industries and careers, from the office to academia, I’ve come to learn that everything is Possibility. This is also what I strive to convey to my children, students and anyone willing to receive it.
As a working mom, it’s important for me to offer the gift of Possibility to my children. For me, it means allowing them to experiment, try and fail. Whether it’s a new activity, musical instrument, sports, or simply visiting a new place or doing something different, possibilities are endless.
Create space
One thing I realized as a working mom is that I needed to create space for my kids to be themselves. This may be physical space for them to breathe and evolve as independent individuals, or mental and intellectual space to see, explain and understand things differently.
Raising my children in America as an African and now American woman is at times challenging. Many of the core beliefs I came up with are being challenged, sometimes quite irreversably. My own children have a totally different reality than the one I grew up in. However, although I don’t have all the answers, I’m willing to create the space for them to create their own.
Time is a precious commodity, especially as a working mom. You can make more money, meet more people, buy more shoes…Yet, one thing you cannot buy more of, is time. One of the biggest complaints and regrets I hear from fellow working moms is around lack of time. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all, from caring for our families to handling our work responsibilities.
I felt this tightness in the time we’re allotted as working moms from the moment I gave birth. With the joy of motherhood, comes this guilt-filled sense that time is no longer ours. It’s the beginning of a seemingly unending power struggle with to-do lists, deadlines, appointments and other commitments, often culminating with various levels of chocolate-fueled frustration. When the pressure to excel in our careers adds its heavy weight to our already full calendars, it can wreak havoc with our entire sense of self. After all, women still handle the lion share of household chores, while graduating in record number from college and breaking all kinds of glass ceilings and concrete walls.
“I feel like all I I do is work, work, work (hellow Rihanna). I work at home and work at work!”
“I don’t even know what I look like anymore. I’m so tired all the time.”
“Where did the time go?”
The above are just a few of the reflections, at times wine-fueled, I’ve heard from fellow working moms, myself included. While Auntie Maxine is busy reclaiming her time, many, if not most of us, are still looking for where our own went.
After years of simmering frustration and self-blame at what I thought was my own lack of planning, I decided to reclaim myself. And the only place I found to fit this campaign back to my own sanity and fulfillment was early mornings, before anyone could lay claim to this precious time of mine. While I understand that not all of us are morning people, I also believe that in the game of give-and-take of working motherhood, some things have to give so we can take others back. For me, it meant letting go of my favorite late-night Netflix binges and investing in the luxury of extra time in the morning. In the perfect imperfection of my everyday life, it looked something like this:
Changing my mindset from sacrificial exhaustion to personal self-care
The cult of sacrificial exhaustion, exemplified by maternal gigantic under-eye circles and perennial coffee runs, never quite did it for me. While I still have ways to go to curb my caffeine addiction, I’ve long switched my working mom tune to the soothing sounds of personal self-care. After realizing on the way to the pediatrician that I forgot my child (also said patient at said appointment), I relinquished all claims to the title of “Most Exhausted Mother”. While this may cut some of my mommy groups’ conversations, it may contribute to lowering both my cholesterol and insurance premiums.
What this also translated into for me was to release my need to do (and prove) so much, and instead make healthier (read: more boring) decisions. Which involved adopting my mother’s ultra-early bed-time, at the very real risk of looking (and sounding) ultra un-cool. The upside? A full night’s sleep, less under-eye circles, and at least an hour to freely roam alone in the corners of my own home…Priceless!
Choosing quiet time over busy time
When I started reclaiming my early mornings, the first, very real, temptation was to use this time to add more to-do’s to my already crowded list. Maybe I could fit in an additional load of laundry, wash the dishes, or fold the clothes that have been adorning the guest room for weeks…The result? More work , less play…
Instead, I chose to follow the advice of a very astute working friend of mine: choosing quiet time over busy time. For me, it is meditation and prayer, or simply enjoying my cup of coffee while silencing the loud voices in my head reminding me that the electric bill is due. For you, it may be sitting on the porch, talking a walk, or journaling. Whatever it is, I believe it’s worth offering ourselves the gift of self every day.
Doing more of what I love
Last but not least, reclaiming my mornings is also about making sacred space for doing more of what I love. It means sitting at my old and faithful laptop and cracking out a blog post, or writing a book chapter. It’s also reading even for ten minutes, or going to the gym and buying myself an hour of thought-free, sweat-filled grace.
For a dear friend of mine, mornings are her space to dive into her artistic hobbies. Whatever it may be for you, it’s a sacred space to return to yourself before the world starts asking more of you, again.
Are you reclaiming your mornings as sacred as a working mom?
As a disclaimer, this is not your typical (read: practical) career advice. There will be no fool-proof tips and tricks to climb the corporate ladder or reach the million dollar mark in your business. If you’re looking for a get-rich-or-successful-quick scheme, this is also not it.
What this is rather, is a testimony to one aspect of our careers, and our lives in general, that is too often overlooked, at the expense of technical know-how and practical advice.
Listen to the average employed person talk about their work, and you may more often catch them rant about their horrible bosses and atrocious workload, than you would about their growth potential. Try and catch a session of “office watercooler gossip”, and you may be in for a serious re-run of “The Desperate Housewives of the Cubicle Next Door”. Truth is, the majority of people constantly complain about their jobs, from dreading the Sunday night blues to despising their annoying co-workers. Those who don’t? Well, who wants to chat with anyone who loves their job, anyways…
Many, if not most, aspire to the next best thing in their careers, whether it’s the next promotion, the next job, the next boss, or the next coffee machine to survive the day (hello work-induced caffeine addiction)….Few stop to be truly grateful about where they currently stand in their work journey, or any other positive side of their current occupation. Besides, all this positivity wouldn’t make for juicy watercooler talk…
In the much acclaimed book Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill reveals how a change in the way you think in general, and in particular your level of faith, desire, and resilience, can propel you to success. As it did for millions, this book, among others, revolutionized the way I envision success. While I was raised in a household that valued hard, tireless work, and academic excellence, I realized in the course of my career that these, although invaluable, are far from being enough. The modern cult of the constant grind and overachiever mentality, so prevalent among entrepreneurs, is also leaving us with an insatiable thirst for more that is ever so unquenchable. As a result, purpose is eluding us at the expense of grandiose status and bottomless FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). We then find ourselves in this unending quest of closing yet another gap or smashing yet another ceiling.
What I’ve found through my own trials, errors, failures and successes across jobs, careers, and through fulfilling my own purpose, can be summed up in a few words: Less doing, more thinking and being. Could it be that after all, the secret was never to work harder, but to think better? Could it be that we all can manifest the career of our dreams by switching the quality of our thoughts? It has certainly been my experience, and is now my testimony, based on these few yet powerful principles:
An abundance mindset creates opportunities
One of the main obstacles to career success is the belief that there aren’t enough opportunities to go around. This scarcity mindset is often at the core of competitive and toxic behaviors and environments, not to mention at the root of Impostor syndrome and slef-doubt.
Developing a mindset rooted in abundance means recognizing opportunities even where there seems to be lack. Sometimes, it may mean creating those opportunities for yourself. It’s also learning to celebrate others as we build our own successes.
Gratitude is a multiplier
Manifesting the career of your dreams begins where you are, which means it starts with showing gratitude for the job you have now. It can be difficult to fathom when work doesn’t inspire you more than the prospect of a somewhat generous paycheck, or that of a juicy gossip session in the deli section of the cafeteria.
Expressing gratitude for where you’re at in your career (and life in general) is also recognizing the positive in your current situation. Whenever you see and acknowledge the positive in anything, you’re also multiplying it!
No amount of work can supersede your thoughts.
However you may define success for yourself, and regardless of the amount of work you put in, you must believe it to be achievable for yourself first. Self-doubt and lack of confidence will rob you of the positive outcome of your hard work, unless you commit to believing in yourself.
It is no surprise that millions of dollars are wasted each and every year in process inefficiencies, as employees literally waste precious time, energy and money on unsuccessful pursuits. It’s the lack of intentionality and purpose behind so many business initiatives, rather than the lack of work, that really explains their failing.
So yes, hard work, shiny credentials, unwavering dedication, discipline, smart goal-setting, and a good eye cream are important to career success. Yet, none of it is truly effective until we begin to think and see ourselves successful, on our own terms.
