Like many of you, books are both my escape and a great source of learning. On my personal journey of self-love, they’ve been, and still are, some of my favorite go-to’s. As a matter of fact, the sheer fact of burying my head in a book for those rare moments of quiet, especially as a working mom, constitute the best acts of self-love for me.
I’ve been fortunate to be exposed, over the course of my personal and professional experience, to books that have changed the way I see myself and the world. When it comes to self-love, here are 10 books that have radically transformed both my understanding and application of self-love:
So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba: Written by Senegalese award-winning novelist Mariama Ba, this book exposes the reality of women from the perspective of an educated Muslim woman as part of her road to self-love.
We should all be feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: In this eloquent essay, famous author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie explores what it means to be a woman by offering a very unique definition of feminism.
Rising Strong by Brene Brown: Social scientist Brene Brown lifts the curtain on vulnerability and courage, and uncovers the meaning of rising strong as the ultimate path to fulfillment.
I know why the caged bird sings by Maya Angelou: Beloved classic writer Maya Angelou takes us on a journey through children’s loneliness and the unfairness of bigotry, into freedom and self-love.
Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes: Mega-talented writer Shonda Rhimes writes about the transformative challenge of committing to say yes to unexpected opportunities for an entire year.
Beloved by Toni Morrison: This haunting masterpiece by iconic writer Toni Morrison is a call to return to love, despite the trauma of slavery and human abuse.
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill: Anyone wanting to improve their lives and thinking must have this book on their reading list!
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: In this simple, teaching-filled book, teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz offers readers simple secrets to positive life changes.
The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte: This holistic life-planning tool is a revolution in chasing what really brings you happiness and joy in life. A must-read!
You are a badass by Jen Sincero: Hilarious and filled with light wisdom, this book is all about creating a life you love abandoning negative self-beliefs in the process.
Every time I mention Dear Husband is the one who does most of the cooking in our household, I, and pretty much everyone else around, cannot help but notice all the ensuing oohs and aahs. “How lucky I must be!”
“What a rare stroke of good marital fortune I must have happened to miraculously stumble upon?’”
To have a partner who “helps” at home…
While by all accounts, I married quite an extraordinary partner, I also realize that much of the reactions I, and other non-traditional and frankly non-domesticated women according to most traditional standards, are deeply embedded in age-old cultural norms.
As a woman born and raised in Senegal, West Africa, I’m all too-familiar with many of these norms. Those that dictate that certain roles are stereotypically assigned to women, while others, more glorious ones, are reserved for males. The same cultural standards rooted in the arbitrary male default that Caroline Criado Perez talks about so eloquently in her book “Invisible Women“. According this “male default”, the universal standard in pretty much anything has always been set to be male, which in turn, has created a pattern of “otherness” for women.
As a result, mostly everything around us, from the local infrastructure to the division of roles in the household, has been historically set to cater to the activities and needs of men, by design. Research by the IMF has found that on a global scale, women perform three times the amount of unpaid work than men do. This also means four times the amount of housework, and twice the amount of childcare, provided by men. These statistics are not historically surprising when you think of how traditional societies used to operate. However, when you consider that in most modern families, both parents work, this also translates into a dire situation for working women. One where, whereas the home may be viewed by men as a place of relaxation, it usually is working women’s “second shift”, or work after work.
Isn’t it any surprise then that society at large, women included, view spouses or partners who pick up any “extra” portion of the heavy household load reserved for women as exceptional? Or that the fact that a male partner would “help” in the carrying out of household chores would be quite outside the norms? Even that as working women we may resent, or fear (or both) the prospect of a male partner taking on roles traditionally reserved to us, because it may mean that somehow we’re breaking generational cultural norms? And can we blame them or us, for that matter?
Yet, truth is, we no more need our husbands or partners’ help, than we need an elusive “rest day” dedicated to catching up on week-old piled up laundry. What is needed really, and not just by working women, is a re-thinking of the cultural norms supporting the unfair distribution of unpaid work alleviated by the prospect of occasional partner “help”. Because as long as we glorify the “help”, the crucial integration of work and life will keep wobbling towards further imbalance for all. Until we can re-imagine society in a way that challenges deeply embedded cultural norms into modern times, we may keep stumbling upon the same age-old obstacles…
Does this mean ideologies and mentalities will be changed overnight? That through some holy egalitarian magic, gender equity for all will become reality? Certainly not…
Yet, what it may mean is that there is a growing need to educate society as to what women need, from better schedule considerations, down to transportation and zoning regulations that stand harshly in the way of providing adequate and affordable childcare and elder care. Because what women need, is what society needs…And that doesn’t require just help, it requires active participation and investment, and it starts at home…
So dear husbands, we don’t need help, we need your buy-in…
Being a woman of faith at work can come with its sets of blessings, but also its fair share of challenges. If you’re one, you may already know this, and know it all too well. Many workplaces are not observant of faith-related practices, and may also be unfortunately dealing with religious prejudice in different forms. This is in addition to being subjected to the scrutiny and negative opinions of co-workers and managers who may not fully understand the commitments and realities that come with your faith. This is even more complex with the intersectionality of gender, religion, and sometimes race as well.
As a Christian working woman, it’s been important for me to understand how I could thrive in my faith in all areas of my life, including in my work. From my own experiences and chatting with other women of faith, I’ve learnt three (3) particularly powerful tips for women of faith to thrive in the workplace, not in spite of, but with the fullness of their faith:
Understand that others may not understand your faith
Faith is very much a personal matter, although it affects all the external areas of one’s life. It’s also a part of one’s life that others may not adhere to, understand or wish to have anything to do with. As such, it’s crucial to make peace with the fact that others around you in the workplace, from your co-workers to your managers, may not be familiar with this part of your experience.
Not only will this save you a lot of heartache when faced at times with any form of insensitivity or push-back, but it will also help you extend grace to others. This is certainly not an excuse for callous behavior on the part of anyone, but an invitation to consider the many reasons, from backgrounds to education, why those you share an office space with think differently than you do when it comes to faith.
Speak up as to your faith-related needs
In the same token, it’s also important for you to voice your needs as related to your faith. I have a Muslim friend who makes sure to build into her calendar religious holidays and ask for those days off well in advance. While Christian holidays may be recognized in the common calendar, other religious holidays may not be, hence the need to speak up and express your needs. As a woman of faith, you may also need added flexibility to attend faith-cased events or to prepare for holidays and events.
The point is, honoring your faith at work is also a matter of not repressing your needs and commitments, while still keeping on excelling in your work. You don’t have to struggle unnecessarily or silence yourself, when a simple conversation may afford you the time and flexibility you may need.
Use your faith as a bridge, not a wall
Faith of all kinds and forms should serve as a bridge to bring people together, rather than a wall to separate individuals. Many, if not most faiths, have in common a foundation of love and acceptance of others. As a woman of faith in the workplace, standing on this foundation is the most powerful way to thrive and help others thrive as well. Whether through inclusive and accepting teamwork, or by treating your co-workers and managers with grace, displaying the inclusive foundation of your faith can go a long way.
Use it also as an opportunity to educate those around you who may not know about your faith. I would rather someone ask questions than incorrectly assume anything about myself or my faith. This is a wonderful opportunity to create more understanding and better communication in and outside of the workplace. And isn’t it the goal after all?
And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)
Do all your work in love. (1 Corinthians 16:14)
Foster diversity and inclusiveness for others
Respecting differences in faith in the workplace is part of fostering diversity and inclusiveness for everyone. Your experience as a woman of faith at work can help improve the experiences of other women like yourself. This can be done by starting a conversation around it, expressing yours and others’ similar needs, or suggesting educational opportunities around this. You are never too powerless to change your environment.
The more we all know about religious diversity, the more we’re able to create and nurture an inclusive environment for all. This may very start with you…
Are you a woman of faith in the workplace? How have you been thriving in your faith at work?
As working women, the challenges facing us at work and in life are numerous. While many of these challenges come from external circumstances, some of them are very much internal. As a matter of fact, some of the most powerful obstacles that keep us trapped at work and in life stem from our own mindsets.
In my own experience and that of many working women I’ve had the privilege of talking to, there are lethal, self-limiting belief systems that stand in our way. I’ve struggled with these belief systems, and still do from time to time. The good part is, these thoughts have helped me realize crucial realities about myself that have in turn allowed me to grow and evolve. Like me, you may have dealt or may be dealing with these same negative belief systems. You may recognize some of these here, and how to use them as information and fuel rather than deterrents to our purpose:
I’ve never done this before
How many times have you said this to yourself, when faced with a new task, a new job, or even a new relationship? Yet, it’s one of the biggest fallacies out there, preventing you from growing, evolving and challenging yourself and the status quo. Truth is, most of what is going to help you learn, grow and get to the next level, whether in your career or personal life, is going to be outside of your comfort zone. It will be something you’ve never done before, or imagined doing before.
As an introverted homebody who likes my comfortable spot on the couch with a comfortable book and cup of coffee, getting out of my comfort zone has been a stretch. Yet, it’s in unfamiliar environments, speaking to or teaching an audience that I have learnt the most. In the end, I’m learning to choose growth over comfort.
I’m not enough/I shouldn’t be here/ I’m not qualified enough
Most negative self-beliefs are rooted in this one thought: “I’m not enough!” It may have been something said to you, or inferred by a well-meaning person early on in life, or a thought you believed in after a traumatic experience. Whatever its source, it may have transmuted into a major block in your work and life. In your career, it may manifest as impostor syndrome, rooted in a general low sense of self-esteem. As a woman, you may be particularly prone to it through society’s conditioning and negative messages around the false limitations of womanhood.
This is one belief I’ve had to learnt to re-wire in my mind and life. Learning to increase your sense of self-worth is not only possible, it’s one of the most generous gifts you can offer yourself as a working woman. It may require you to invest in therapy, self-care, and mindset work, but in the end, it will prove to be the best investment you’ve ever made.
What are they going to think?
If like myself you’ve grown up in social settings where the opinions of others are highly valued, you may have asked yourself this question over and over again. As an African woman, community has always been important to me, and this in highly positive ways. Yet, the downside of this is that it may create a need to conform to others’ opinions of us, which may turn dangerous on our path to accomplishing our purpose.
While caring about others is important, holding their opinions of us over our heads is a sure formula for disaster in all areas of our lives. Learning to detach ourselves from others’ opinions in a healthy and considerate way is absolutely necessary to allow oneself to evolve. For me, it means respecting others’ opinions while committing to pursuing my own path.
It’s too late / It’s not the right time/I don’t have enough time
Change tends to happen at the most inconvenient times. Often, it feels like it’s too late, or it’s not the right time. Such beliefs end up keeping up from moving forward at work and/or in life. We think that we’ve missed our opportunity, that the door has closed for us, which is often misleading.
Deciding to back to school in my late thirties, I felt like it was way too late for what seemed like starting over again, especially after getting married and having kids. Yet, seizing the opportunity at an apparently inopportune time has proven to stretch and teach me in ways I could not have imagined. It is never too late, and the time is always right to do what’s right for you…
Have you been grappling with any of these negative belief systems or any other? How have you been dealing with these?
As I listened to my fellow Bible school teacher recount how she got passed over for a promotion that was rightfully due her, I couldn’t help but recall my own feelings and profound sense of despair at experiencing the same thing years before. The shock and hurt on her face looked all too familiar, as I was reminded of my own shock and hurt when told I didn’t have what it took then to make it to the next level in my career.
It’s a disappointing, hurtful, and also confusing realization that can hit you like a ton of bricks, even when you’ve prepared yourself for it. As a Black working woman in the professional world, and as minorities in general, it can also be debilitating and perplexing as we tend to ask ourselves the real reasons why we may have gotten passed over for a promotion we have worked so hard for.
Being passed over for a promotion at work stings. For many, if not most of us, it’s a huge blow to our hard-working egos, an attack to our work ethic, and the sometimes bewildering realization that we may be failing at our careers. It doesn’t just put in question our work, it also puts our life goals and personal abilities in stark perspective. As women, it may dig into our sense of self-esteem, revive our impostor syndrome demons, and deter us from further progress. According to this survey of 400 participants by Fairygodboss in partnership with the Female Quotient and Progyny,men tend to be promoted by men, and women tend to be advanced by women in the workplace. Considering that most decision-makers in companies are men, it’s easy to understand why women lag behind in terms of promotion.
As women of color, it can rekindle the painful fire of possible discrimination, and exacerbate the sense of not being up to par or belonging that we’re already too familiar with. As a matter of fact, this research study on minority perception of exclusion and promotion hurdles confirms that minority candidates tend to experience significant obstacles to promotion due to social exclusion, and are only advanced when their track records are deemed to be sufficiently superior than their majority counterparts. Overall, its impact can be devastating, humiliating and downright handicapping for way too many of us.
The good news is, as painful as it may be, losing a promotion doesn’t spell the end of one’s career. As a matter of fact, it may just be the single occurrence that can propel your career forward as a working woman, if and when you’re ready to reap the lessons from it and build yourself up in the midst of disappointment and loss. Here are a few ways to turn this loss into one of the most momentous gains for your career and life:
Dare to ask why
One of the biggest mistakes I made when losing a promotion early in my career was to not ask why. I was afraid my inquisitiveness would be perceived as disrespectful or challenging the status quo. Even worse, I was terrified of losing my job, especially now that I felt that my career was in greater peril than ever. As one of the only minorities in the office, I was scared that one wrong move would mean career suicide. So I remained silent, swallowing the blow as stoically as I could muster, blaming myself for reasons I couldn’t fully understand, despite some of the feedback given me at the time.
I have since then learnt to speak up more at work, especially when faced with something I may not fully understand. Not in defiance or with aggressiveness, but as a way to better understand and act upon the situation at hand. You cannot improve or learn from any situation if you don’t fully grasp its meaning. Besides, asking the reasons behind a loss of promotion also opens the door for another woman to do the same, while increasing your chances of progress.
Use the power of accountability
Speaking up at work also means holding yourself and other parties involved in this decision to be held accountable. It’s when you understand the reasons behind any loss, that you can devise a plan for improvement and hold yourself accountable to it. Even better, it’s a powerful way to hold your manager or the powers at be accountable to monitor your future progress and give you credit for it. A large part of asking for feedback is also to devise a step-by-step process to improve future outcomes, and agree on a timeline to take action.
There are certainly instances when some promotion-related decisions are unfair. Even so, it is still crucial to use the power of accounting on yours and other parties’ behalf to improve the situation at hand.
Turn your loss into lessons
“What is this teaching me?” This may not be the first question you may be tempted to ask yourself when faced with the loss of career advancement. Yet, it may be the single most impactful question you can manage to muster here. Losing a promotion, and any failure in general, can teach you a wealth of lessons about yourself, your environment and others. What if there are skills you need to improve on? What if you’re an excellent employee but your leadership skills are in need of honing? What if this is not the right fit for you and you may need to make a strategic move?
Many successful working women’s careers or businesses took a turn for the better when they were willing to learn from their career failures. As such, this may be more of a blessing in disguise than you may think.
Now go ahead and act!
You may learn a wealth of lessons and garner invaluable information from losing a promotion at work. However, it may all go to waste if you don’t act on these. For some, it may mean re-considering your existing skills and maybe investing additional courses or classes. For others, it may be a matter of taking a deep look within and assessing your entire career path. Others may find that it may be time for a lateral move, or even a break entirely.
Whatever you may be called to do after being passed over for a promotion, honor yourself by taking action and growing from it. This is not the end, neither is a permanent stain on your path, or an indelible reflection on you. It’s an occurrence in your career and life that doesn’t and should never take away from who you are and what your bring to the table as a working woman. Most importantly, it’s an opportunity to grow, learn, and get closer to the best version of yourself…
Have you been passed over for a promotion? How did you cope?
