As I listened to my fellow Bible school teacher recount how she got passed over for a promotion that was rightfully due her, I couldn’t help but recall my own feelings and profound sense of despair at experiencing the same thing years before. The shock and hurt on her face looked all too familiar, as I was reminded of my own shock and hurt when told I didn’t have what it took then to make it to the next level in my career.
It’s a disappointing, hurtful, and also confusing realization that can hit you like a ton of bricks, even when you’ve prepared yourself for it. As a Black working woman in the professional world, and as minorities in general, it can also be debilitating and perplexing as we tend to ask ourselves the real reasons why we may have gotten passed over for a promotion we have worked so hard for.
Being passed over for a promotion at work stings. For many, if not most of us, it’s a huge blow to our hard-working egos, an attack to our work ethic, and the sometimes bewildering realization that we may be failing at our careers. It doesn’t just put in question our work, it also puts our life goals and personal abilities in stark perspective. As women, it may dig into our sense of self-esteem, revive our impostor syndrome demons, and deter us from further progress. According to this survey of 400 participants by Fairygodboss in partnership with the Female Quotient and Progyny,men tend to be promoted by men, and women tend to be advanced by women in the workplace. Considering that most decision-makers in companies are men, it’s easy to understand why women lag behind in terms of promotion.
As women of color, it can rekindle the painful fire of possible discrimination, and exacerbate the sense of not being up to par or belonging that we’re already too familiar with. As a matter of fact, this research study on minority perception of exclusion and promotion hurdles confirms that minority candidates tend to experience significant obstacles to promotion due to social exclusion, and are only advanced when their track records are deemed to be sufficiently superior than their majority counterparts. Overall, its impact can be devastating, humiliating and downright handicapping for way too many of us.
The good news is, as painful as it may be, losing a promotion doesn’t spell the end of one’s career. As a matter of fact, it may just be the single occurrence that can propel your career forward as a working woman, if and when you’re ready to reap the lessons from it and build yourself up in the midst of disappointment and loss. Here are a few ways to turn this loss into one of the most momentous gains for your career and life:
Dare to ask why
One of the biggest mistakes I made when losing a promotion early in my career was to not ask why. I was afraid my inquisitiveness would be perceived as disrespectful or challenging the status quo. Even worse, I was terrified of losing my job, especially now that I felt that my career was in greater peril than ever. As one of the only minorities in the office, I was scared that one wrong move would mean career suicide. So I remained silent, swallowing the blow as stoically as I could muster, blaming myself for reasons I couldn’t fully understand, despite some of the feedback given me at the time.
I have since then learnt to speak up more at work, especially when faced with something I may not fully understand. Not in defiance or with aggressiveness, but as a way to better understand and act upon the situation at hand. You cannot improve or learn from any situation if you don’t fully grasp its meaning. Besides, asking the reasons behind a loss of promotion also opens the door for another woman to do the same, while increasing your chances of progress.
Use the power of accountability
Speaking up at work also means holding yourself and other parties involved in this decision to be held accountable. It’s when you understand the reasons behind any loss, that you can devise a plan for improvement and hold yourself accountable to it. Even better, it’s a powerful way to hold your manager or the powers at be accountable to monitor your future progress and give you credit for it. A large part of asking for feedback is also to devise a step-by-step process to improve future outcomes, and agree on a timeline to take action.
There are certainly instances when some promotion-related decisions are unfair. Even so, it is still crucial to use the power of accounting on yours and other parties’ behalf to improve the situation at hand.
Turn your loss into lessons
“What is this teaching me?” This may not be the first question you may be tempted to ask yourself when faced with the loss of career advancement. Yet, it may be the single most impactful question you can manage to muster here. Losing a promotion, and any failure in general, can teach you a wealth of lessons about yourself, your environment and others. What if there are skills you need to improve on? What if you’re an excellent employee but your leadership skills are in need of honing? What if this is not the right fit for you and you may need to make a strategic move?
Many successful working women’s careers or businesses took a turn for the better when they were willing to learn from their career failures. As such, this may be more of a blessing in disguise than you may think.
Now go ahead and act!
You may learn a wealth of lessons and garner invaluable information from losing a promotion at work. However, it may all go to waste if you don’t act on these. For some, it may mean re-considering your existing skills and maybe investing additional courses or classes. For others, it may be a matter of taking a deep look within and assessing your entire career path. Others may find that it may be time for a lateral move, or even a break entirely.
Whatever you may be called to do after being passed over for a promotion, honor yourself by taking action and growing from it. This is not the end, neither is a permanent stain on your path, or an indelible reflection on you. It’s an occurrence in your career and life that doesn’t and should never take away from who you are and what your bring to the table as a working woman. Most importantly, it’s an opportunity to grow, learn, and get closer to the best version of yourself…
Have you been passed over for a promotion? How did you cope?
Welcome to the Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
This week, we’re sayin good-bye to one classy and beautiful actress, as Black Enterprise is remembering the legacy of Diahann Caroll who passed away this Friday at 84. May she rest in power!
In positive news this week, Forbes reports that this merger leads to a top-women led, minority-owned investment firm on Wall street;
Fall is upon us, and Working Mother lists the 10 best Fall festivals for families all across the country;
Time’s up for the pay gap, and Recruiter tells us how we can avoid waiting another 200 years for pay parity;
Zen Habits breaks down why we never have enough time and what we can do about it;
On The Corporate Sister, we’re confirming that for us working moms, it’s not the physical, but the mental load that is really getting to us;
Financial Inequality starts at home, and Business Insider tips us off on how to combat it as parents;
Want to reduce, re-use and save more cash? Making Sense of Cents has a few tips for you;
Worried about protecting your personal time? Corporette lets you in on a few tips;
Fashion alert! Fashionista lists the best 93 online sales in the next 48 hours and you don’t want to miss it.
Sometimes, the path chooses you. Sometimes, it’s not just you putting your ducks in a row, carefully planning for your future, dressing up your 5 or 10-year plan, and getting your coins in order. Sometimes, you seem to stumble upon a career and life path you may not even have seen coming, treading on waters you never suspected you’d be even touching…Many refer to it as the accidental career, the road less traveled they ended up traveling on, when it appeared as though they were destined for something entirely different. Or so they thought…
As a self-proclaimed introvert, it seemed as if I stumbled upon a path of teaching and writing that often made me more visible than I thought I could handle. For someone who enjoyed peace and quiet, and was often told as a child that I was too “timid”, stepping in front of a classroom or an audience felt strange at first. Sharing written words would feel awkward too. After all, I had initially picked a safe, reliable accounting career that would allow me to quietly work behind the scenes while providing me with a comfortable financial cushion. Over time though, my business and writing career expanded and morphed into a path that chose me more than I picked it…Or so I thought…
If you’re reading this, and are unsure as to where your career and life path is taking you, you’re not alone. As a matter of fact, you may just be in the right place at the right time. You see, very often, the path that chooses us has been in us from the beginning. However, it may have been clouded by the words and intentions of otherwise well-intentioned adults, who may at some point or another, have told you that you were made for this and not for that. That you were too much of this and not enough of this…Maybe a teacher told you you weren’t smart enough, or too slow. After all, Einstein aka the synonymous to genius, didn’t speak fluently until he was nine, prompting his educators to believe he was slow…Think of that…
When the path chooses you, the truth is that it’s always been in you. It may have been hidden by the culture or environment you were in so early on that you forgot who you truly were made to be to. It may have been silenced by well-intentioned, or not so well-intentioned critics, who didn’t see in you what was really there. However, if you turn back and retrace the steps of your life and career path, you may find that there were clues leading you to this not-so-accidental career after all. I can re-trace my steps and find the stories I used to share with my classmates. I can walk a few decades back and see the admiring look on my face whenever I saw my mother dressed up for work. I can look over my shoulder and see the little girl reciting speeches and poems to the plants in our small apartment…
When you’re at a crossroads and it seems that the path chose you, that you have to now answer this call that may disrupt your life and bring chaos to the carefully orchestrated order you were desperately trying to set, don’t be afraid that the path chose you. Maybe you just got fired so you can start the business. Maybe the job didn’t work out so you could step into your purpose of helping others through the gifts and talents you’ve been sleeping on all along. Maybe the path choosing you is not so accidental, and is instead the blessing in disguise that is leading you to realize the full potential of who you are….
When the path chooses you, allow it to disrupt your five or ten-year plan. Let it pull you towards the purpose that has always been brewing inside of you. Open yourself up to discovering where this not-so-accidental work is taking you, what it stands to teach you, and how it will help others find the courage to tread on their own path as well…
Do you find yourself mentally computing your next grocery bill while catching a couple of words out of your conversation with the kids? Are you having a hard time being present because there are so many things competing for your mental space all at once? Are you able to both yell at the kids from the other end of the playgroundwhile holding a strained conversation with your girlfriend ?As a working mom, you may be all too familiar with thinking about a gazillion things at once, while feeling like your head may be on the brink of extra-terrestrial explosion.
Last summer, my sister told me something that has been sticking with me ever since. As I was huffing and puffing over two loads of laundry and a sink full of dishes, she calmly said: “You know, it’s not so much the physical work, but the mental load we carry that’s exhausting us as working moms…”I’ve had the opportunity to think about since then, so much so that I have taken as a habit to ask myself how much of a mental load I’m really carrying day in and day out. I used to think that it all boiled down to a productive schedule, with a detailed to-do list to boot and some productivity quotes here and there. What I realized is that it’s the mental load made up of the heavy compounding of our personal and professional lives that ends up getting to us working moms most of the time…
Having to carry so many thoughts and plans in our minds, from the kids’ matching socks to cross-country practice, not to mention the research project due at work, can be borderline debilitating. Yet, once you realize that it’s the mental aspect of it all that is really costing you more than anything else, it becomes easier to target the problem. So does realizing that doing more doesn’t exactly solve the problem. Rather it perpetuates it…
For me, it’s become a matter of taking the counter-intuitive approach of slowing down instead of speeding up, and eliminating rather than adding. I’m taking Coco Chanel’s mantra to take at least one thing off before leaving the house to a whole other mental level. It also means:
Having a strict mental hygiene
A while back, I started meditating to see if I could put my mind on pause for a few minutes. Fast-forward a couple of years, it’s become an inherent part of my mental hygiene as a working mom. These are the far and few in between minutes that I get early in the morning or late at night, when I’m not interrupted and can literally breathe for a bit. More than a calming exercise, it’s an entire re-wiring of our brains to support increased mental and physical capacity.
As essential as meditation, therapy, both formal and informal, has also become a cornerstone of my mental hygiene. If you take care of your body, why wouldn’t you care for your mind as well? While there are still a lot of unfounded cultural taboos around therapy, it certainly is a necessity for busy, sometimes over-stretched working moms.
Avoiding multi-tasking
It’s been said that women are good at multi-tasking. What has not been talked about so much are the negative side-effects of this damaging practice. As a recovering multi-tasker, I know all too well the lack of focus, the difficulty of not being fully present, along with the accompanying exhaustion, that are the hallmarks of multi-tasking.
It’s been a process to re-program myself not to multi-task, and I still struggle with it. However, even a little bit of progress in the opposite direction helps. Focusing on one task at a time offers you the gift of focus, clarity, and presence, while being able to enjoy what you’re actually doing. In terms of productivity, you actually get more done, a bit at a time, than altogether.
Clearing out ALL the clutter
Nature abhors a vacuum, and many times as working moms, we strive to fill every bit of our mental space with responsibilities, activities and relationships. We may also fill our physical space with LOTS of things, creating a sense of clutter that leaves us at times powerless and frustrated.
Part of releasing some of our mental load is also letting go of clutter. Whether it’s getting your Marie Kondo on, cutting off toxic relationships, mindsets and behaviors, or just re-framing your schedule and hiring some help, releasing the clutter will leave you freer, happier and all around better.
How can you choose to lessen your mental load as a working mom?
For working women and working moms, flexibility can be both a gift and a curse. Being able to actually have a choice in how you schedule your work can allow you to fit in other competing priorities. You may be able to take the kids to the doctor in the middle of the day, while completing your work on the go for instance. You may be able to work later in the day while you run important errands in the earlier part of the day. Yet, what we often don’t see is that there are traps to having a flexible schedule.
While switching careers from the corporate world to academia afforded me more flexibility in the beginning, it also exposed me to the need to better manage my schedule. It was tempting to do more in the same time space, instead of intentionally scheduling my time in an effective way. There are certainly multiple upsides to having a flexible schedule. However, there are also traps that as working women and moms, we should be aware of:
Thinking you have more time than you actually do
It’s tempting to add the grocery run, the kids’ appointments and a last-minute errand to your schedule when you can manage it at your discretion. Yet, what it often leads to is overestimating your availability and inflating your schedule unnecessarily.
If you’re like myself and you tend to have a love-hate relationship with procrastination, this can spell doom over your time management. Flexibility or not, you still have the same 24 hours to accomplish your goals and objectives.
Adding too much to your to-do list
When I realized added flexibility was actually not increasing my effectiveness, I started taking another look at my schedule. That’s when it occurred to me that I had been gradually adding an overwhelming amount of tasks to my to-do lists, thus stretching myself way too thin.
While added flexibility should help you fit in a few more important tasks to your schedule, it shouldn’t take you to the brink of exhaustion. If you notice yourself packing more into your day and being exhausted or resentful, maybe you should re-visit how you’re using your flexibility.
Not prioritizing self-care
For many working moms,self-care tends to come last. The upside of a flexible schedule is the ability to add in more “me time”. If your flexible schedule is not allowing you to have a healthy amount of self-care, then something is fundamentally wrong.
Increased flexibility should allow you to have a more integrated work-life relationship. An important part of it is to care for yourself.
All in all, flexibility is a big advantage for working women and working moms. However, learning to avoid the pitfalls of a flexible schedule is key to better time management.
