2020 doesn’t just mark the start of a new year, but that of a decade. That’s 10 whole years of life, work and everything in between. Whether you’re eagerly looking to step into this new decade, or are nostalgically reminiscing over the highs and lows of the past few years, you can’t deny that whatever has happened during this time has taught many a valuable lesson, some more pleasant than others. For the bulk of the past decade, most of my life has been defined under the label of “working mom”. Granted, all mothers are working moms, from the stay-at-home mom who juggles household chores, homework and being her family’s moral anchor, to the executive who has to make tough choices between after-school pick-ups and late afternoon networking get-togethers at work. For many, if not most of us, our lives are defined along the ever-moving lines of self, motherhood, and work, whatever work may be made out of for each one of us. Along these lines, many hard lessons are learnt, some of which leave us with an indelible mark to be carried over the length of our lives.
As I reflect on this past decade, alternating between smiles, all-out laughter, and ugly cries, I’ve gathered a few of the main lessons I’ve had the opportunity, or rather I should say the privilege, to learn. Most of them were born out of adversity and struggle, as the best teachings are, and are also those that have made me grow the most, in the midst of frustration, tears, and also fun laughter. Some are simple, others took me a long time to learn, others I’m still working on. Yet, all of them have shaped my path, as I nostalgically and happily share them with you:
It was never about WHAT YOU DO, but the WHO YOU’RE BECOMING
One of the biggest lessons I’ve had the opportunity to learn has everything to do with what really matters when it comes to work and life as a working woman and working mom. The first half of my career was devoted to the WHAT in what I did professionally. After all, the barometer set for most of us is regulated in terms of degrees, certifications, accolades, promotions and other educational and professional achievements. Rarely do our own personal growth processes come into the equation of what is considered as “success” by the masses.
Yet, personal and professional growth go hand in hand and complement each other. One can never be truly successful if one of the two dimensions, either personal or professional, is left hanging by the threads of neglect and unfulfillment. This is especially true for working moms, for whom the definition of fulfillment is truly a holistic one, that not only encompasses professional achievements, but also a strong sense of integration of all the other areas of their lives. I learnt that true success is achieved from the inside out, from the personal growth journey that inevitably leads to professional fulfillment, and ultimately, success, as defined individually.
Your purpose is in what you love
Like many, it took me a while to understand that purpose is the guiding force behind true meaning and significance in our lives and work. Figuring out what purpose even meant, how to find it and what to ultimately do with it, was a whole can of worms I banged my head against for longer than I wished. Ultimately, it was in what I loved doing, in the gifts and talents I was born with, in the quirks and particularities that make me who I am, that I found it. After all, it didn’t matter as much what title I carried, or what organization I found myself in, as it did whether or not I got to practice and share my own gifts, talents and abilities, both natural and acquired.
As working moms, we often feel stifled in the expression of who we truly are, as we tend to wear so many hats that turn into the masks that ultimately hide our authenticity. We are women, wives, moms, employees, business owners, navigating the various spheres we’re called into and code-switching ourselves into the oblivion and neglect of what really sets us apart as individuals. That is exactly where it becomes crucial to awaken and re-awaken the purposes that have always been inside each and every one of us by simply focusing back on those things we love doing.
Being a mom will change you for the better
Being a mom is a GIFT, and one that keeps on giving at that. Most of the precious lessons I’ve acquired through life have been through motherhood, when changing diapers, questioning my baking abilities, answering my kids’ questions, and building a life that would serve my children well. It’s after becoming a mom that the urge to follow my own purpose grew louder and louder, so my children would see through their parents that it’s ok to fight for your dreams, to be different, and to be beautifully flawed and imperfect.
While one of the most prevalent misconceptions about motherhood is that many moms find themselves having to abandon their careers (which is true for many), I’ve also found that it also provides mothers with the gift of and desire for growth. I write, teach, cry, learn, stumble, get back up, and generally grow, so my daughter and son can see that while none of it is perfect, it’s ok for them to fight to become their best selves.
You get to define your own brand of success
Success is an elusive concept elusively defined through elusive iterations of what popular culture considers to be the pinnacle of achievement. Yet, what does really success consist in for a working mom who juggles opposite worlds , from home to work, day in and day out? It can be quite complex, if you ask me, especially for working moms whose professional ambition may be frowned upon or misjudged.
While the normative view of success, predicated upon the male bias around it, may look like the picture of a wealthy man at the top of his career, for working moms and women in general, it is quite different. Earlier this year (2019), Inc. magazine featured the first visibly pregnant CEO, Wing’s co-founder Audrey Gelman, on its cover, as a clear confirmation that the norms of success are quite different for men and women. Success for working moms may include the C-suite, but will also have at the front and center of it a healthy family and society, which is why it is so important for us to define what it means to our own existences. For me, success is growth, both personal and professional, and ensuring the well-being of my family and society. What is it for you?
Stop trying to be like a man
If you’ve read any of my earlier articles, you may have caught on to the fact that earlier in my career, I was trying to apply one of the worst pieces of advice when applied to working women: “When in Rome, act like the Romans”. For working women like myself, it meant pulling all emotions aside, not showing up as attractive, and displaying masculine traits of achievement. As it’s been proven, not only does this approach not reduce the bias against women at work, it also deprives both working women and professional environments of the very gifts and talents, such as acute intuition and soft skills, that female personalities tend to bring to the workplace.
I’ve since learnt to not try to act like a man, or like anyone other than the best version of myself at the time being, which may or may not include a dark shade of red lipstick and a feminine dress.
Being present is the best gift you can give yourself
One of the most shocking (and exhausting realizations ) I made when I became a mom, was the sheer number of hats we wear all throughout the day, from moms to leaders to servants, friends and so many more. The biggest downside to this (and to the inefficient art of multi-tasking) is that we end not being present much of the time. This means trying to answer emails instead of enjoying the kids at the park, thinking about dinner while at the board meeting, or leaving the baby in the car seat at home and driving away.
For me, being present has become the best gift of self-care and love I can offer myself and others. It means shutting off the phone sometimes, or leaving on time despite the flow of work piling up at the office. Most importantly, it means choosing quality over quantity for my life
Your relationships will make or break you
Developing and nurturing healthy relationships as working women and working moms is a well-known challenge. In between all the obligations we attend to, the changes we go through, and the demands of our careers and personal lives, catering to relationships, both personal and professional, becomes a daunting task. Yet, it’s the same relationships we may neglect, or wrongfully choose, that can make or break us.
As a working mom, I learnt that whatever my definition of success may be, it can seldom be accomplished alone. Which means surrounding myself with like-minded people, and women in particular, whom I accept, love and support, and who reciprocate similar acceptance, love and support. It also means releasing relationships that I or the other party may have outgrown in order to make room for continuous and fruitful growth for all. Easier said than done in most cases, and certainly always a work in progress, but one that remains one of the most important processes of life…
The point was never to remain the same!
“You have changed!” As I’ve grown and evolved, I’ve often, like many of you, heard this phrase. Like many, I’ve questioned it, felt guilty about it, pondered over it and am still making peace with it. Yet, in the beautiful mess that growth, both personal and professional, creates, one thing is certain; “The point of this thing called life was never to remain the same!” It is to grow, evolve and continue to become the best version of yourself.
As you go through your own evolution process, as you leave and start jobs and relationships, as you change your mind, release some and adopt other patterns, keep reminding yourself that the point was always to grow.
You never start from scratch, you always start from experience
In the past decade I’ve had two careers, changes jobs, become a mom, failed and succeeded at the same time, and am still here to tell the story. What I’ve learnt through change, transition and failure, is that especially as working women and moms, we never start from scratch. One of the biggest advantages of wearing so many hats is that we’re constantly learning and acquiring new skills, from soft skills to management and leadership abilities.
As we tread on new paths or get exposed to new environments, we are able to re-purpose these skills and turn them into our ultimate competitive advantage. Working moms have been proven to have excellent management and leadership abilities, and most companies with women at their helm tend to be more successful. It wasn’t until I realized this that I’ve more confidently faced unknow territories and known fears on my own path.
It’s never too late!
Last but not least, another great misconception of our times is that we’re all under some form of deadline to achieve or accomplish our goals in life. This is especially prevalent for working women and working moms, who are subjected to the pressures of having to have a career by a certain age, have families by another milestone, be part of this squad or that group by a certain time. This all contributes to a general sense of failure and discouragement, especially among working moms who are already so pressured both personally and professionally.
What I’ve learnt from starting a new career, speaking and writing, and going back to school in my late thirties and now early forties, is that it’s certainly never too late to begin anything. That we all have different paths and that honoring our divine timing and purpose is one of the best gifts we can offer ourselves and the world.
The past decade has been pretty amazing if you ask me! Here’s to another decade of lessons, joys, achievements, laughter, some (happy) tears and much more!
‘Tis the season to be merry and jolly….and also to be under serious financial pressure in general, especially as a working woman and working mom in particular. In between holiday shopping and other financial obligations of all kinds, it can be easy to overlook our finances and some basic yet crucial accounting tips that can save you and I a lot of headaches before, during and after the holidays.
As a working woman who happens to also serve as a Certified Public Accountant (CPA), I’ve not only experienced this, but also have had the opportunity to learn and teach about and from it. While there’s a lot of talk about saving money over the holidays, what is less talked about are the real financial and accounting concerns everyone faces over this busy time of year and the tips anyone can use to circumvent them:
PROTECT YOURSELF AGAIN IDENTITY THEFT AND FRAUD
As a busy working mom, shopping online has become my go-to. While most of us are thinking about tackling our shopping lists, criminals are thinking about, well…stealing your identity, money and any tax and financial data available. This information is especially useful as it can be used to file fraudulent tax returns as the new year opens. This is one of the main reasons why the National Tax Security Awareness Week produced by the IRS, tax industry, and state tax agencies, takes place every year in early December to provide basic guidelines for consumers to avoid identity theft, such as:
Shopping at sites with web addresses starting with “https”
Avoiding unsecured wi-fi in public places
Securing home wi-fi with strong passwords
Using two-factor authentication and strong passwords whenever possible
Making sure to regularly back up files and computers.
DON’T LOSE OUT ON CHARITABLE GIVING!
Many of you may consider cleaning up your kids’ closets (as well as your own), pulling out your bank accounts, and helping others by making donations this season. Keep in mind that charitable giving during the holidays especially can contribute to reducing your overall tax bill, however this only applies if you choose to itemize your taxes. It’s important to pick the right charity for you, in terms of whether or not it aligns with your vision and has a decent track record. A good source to consult for this is Guidestar, which provides a list of every IRS-registered non-profit organization.
When planning your charity giving during the holidays, you must consider first what you are giving, as different rules apply to cash, household items and/or long-term gain property. While you can deduct up to 60% of your adjusted gross income when you donate cash to public charities (30% for long-term appreciated assets held for more than a year), you would get a write-off for donations of household items in good condition. If you donate long-term gain property such as bonds and publicly traded stocks, you’re allowed to deduct their fair market value. This is even more relevant for small business owners who can significantly reduce their taxable income this way.
DON’T LET YOUR SMALL BUSINESS ACCOUNTING GO BY THE WAYSIDE!
For all the working women and moms who also happen to run a business, this season can be especially challenging. Not to mention that the holidays are also one of the most critical and busiest times for many small businesses. This is when keeping track of your business inventory as a small business owner, your expenses and sales, as well as creating a solid marketing strategy.
An efficient way to do this is through the use of productivity apps, as well as by leveraging social media. Most importantly, it’s crucial to keep a close eye on cash flow and prepare for the upcoming tax season.
All in all, the holidays are already a busy time of year and a financially heavy one as well. Keeping these accounting tips in mind can help the transition from one year to the other, as well as one’s personal and financial balance, in check.
While ambition may be viewed a tad negatively for women, it’s largely considered a positive trait in men. After all, the breadwinner’s role is one that has been considered male for ages, and with it the embodiment of ambition and the pursuit of success. Yet, what happens when an ambitious man and woman find themselves joined together as partners? Whose ambition comes on top and whose ambition must subside? Or is it possible that both sets of aspirations be equally satisfied? In an ideal world, we would wish so. In the real world of cultural and societal norms, morning traffic jams and kids’ temper tantrums, dual ambition is way more complicated than coordinating schedules and sharing dreams of ruling the world.
Take a regular family of four with a generally positive family atmosphere. Both parents have demanding yet flourishing careers. They also have dreams of climbing to the heights of their individual fields, and make no secret of it. In the midst of their dual ambition, life happens, what with its heavy load of poopy diapers, sleepless nights with sick children, kids pick-ups and drop-offs, etc. While both parents are heavily invested in their family, the mom carries the larger share of the unpaid household work and childcare needs. Since she happens to have more flexibility than her partner, which she willfully arranged for after having children, she devotes a large chunk of her time to caring for the family. Yet her ambition has not left her, so she puts in extra hours at night and early in the morning, catching up on work to further her career. By most accounts, it all seems to work, as the father helps a lot, and the entire family appears to juggle heavy schedules, extra-curricular activities and even work travel. What does not appear is the invisible, silent burden carried by the ambitious woman behind closed doors.
In many cases, the scenario above is an ideal one. As a matter of fact, this may be an ideal scenario. In a study analyzing the perceptions of children in dual career families published by the National Council on Families, adolescent children in these families tend to see their lifestyles as generally positive. In many other scenarios, ambitious, dedicated women also have to contend with being single parents, or caring for elderly parents; or the family dynamics are not as positive. Yet, even in what may be considered to be a less-than-ideal scenario, there is an unavoidable power struggle of ambitions and a no-less avoidable yielding of one in favor of the other.
While there are certainly cases of male partners who temporarily or permanently put their careers aside in favor of their female partners’, these seem to be more the exception than the rule. In most instances, dual ambition in a family also means women may have to adjust and regulate theirs to match the tune of their environment, which may also translates into a loss of earnings as well as opportunities, not to mention the significant amount of relational and personal stress created. How can we, as working women, find our place when we find ourselves in the midst of the dual ambition power struggle created by two demanding careers within one family unit?
Don’t be afraid to have the honest, tough conversations
Marriage and romantic partnership are far from easy to manage to begin with. When we add to it the pressures of two demanding careers, the stretch can bring most couples to the brink of destruction. Add to it a couple (or more) of kids, unending laundry, sticky floors and counters, and you’re in for quite the stressful ride…
This is why it’s so important, especially as working women and moms, to not be afraid to have the honest, raw, tough conversations with your partner. These are the talks about personal ambition, life goals, and even daily scheduling that many, if not most of us, dread having. As women, it may be tempting to avoid them altogether because truth is, we’ve hardly been socialized to demand the space we need in our relationships. However, in couples with dual demanding careers, and in any couple in general, it’s a must without which the whole relationship can be in peril.
As intimidating as it may be, schedule some time to sit down around a glass of wine (or the kids’ apple juice because you didn’t make it to the supermarket this week), and chat about questions such as: “Where do you see your career’ going?”, “What are your dreams?”, “Will you be traveling?”, “Who will care for the kids when we’re both at work?”, and other life and relationship-altering concerns…This may well save your marriage or relationship in the long-run.
It’s a game of give and take
In couples and partnerships with dual, demanding careers, a healthy exchange of give-and-take is inescapable. While women, even bread-winning wives, tend to provide a larger chunk of the household unpaid work, they cannot do it all (sorry ladies, we are superwomen, not unbreakable). This also means that there has to be some level of support provided by the other partner in the relationship, and/or outsourced to external sources of help such as outside caregivers, cleaning staff, etc.. Without this, maintaining dual demanding careers is virtually impossible. Even when it’s physically done, the mental, emotional and spiritual toll it takes on women outweighs any other wins, career or otherwise.
Setting up the foundation for this give-and-take requires honest and frequent communication as to the needs of both partners. This is especially relevant as individuals, along with their career goals and ambitions, change over time. Priorities need to be re-assessed constantly, and integrated into daily life with intentionality and care.
Realize that society is not yet ready for complete equity for women
I remember being extremely disappointed at myself for not being able to hold it ALL together as a working mom, including the kids, the marriage, the house, the job, and everything else that really matters to me. However, what I failed to realize then, was that we still (and probably will for quite some time) live in a society that is far from being ready for female equity. From infrastructures to work and everything in between, much of the world as we know it has been created from a historical perspective to cater to the interests of men. Modifying antiquated structures of society will take time and require patience, understanding and compassion for ourselves and others.
This is also a call to realize that we all play a role into creating the society we would like to live and thrive in as working women. We may not be there yet, but each and every one of our choices, from the way we manage our relationships to how we work, has an impact on designing the kind of lives we want to create.
How do you deal with dual, demanding careers in your marriage or relationship as a working woman/mom?
Like many of you, books are both my escape and a great source of learning. On my personal journey of self-love, they’ve been, and still are, some of my favorite go-to’s. As a matter of fact, the sheer fact of burying my head in a book for those rare moments of quiet, especially as a working mom, constitute the best acts of self-love for me.
I’ve been fortunate to be exposed, over the course of my personal and professional experience, to books that have changed the way I see myself and the world. When it comes to self-love, here are 10 books that have radically transformed both my understanding and application of self-love:
So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba: Written by Senegalese award-winning novelist Mariama Ba, this book exposes the reality of women from the perspective of an educated Muslim woman as part of her road to self-love.
We should all be feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: In this eloquent essay, famous author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie explores what it means to be a woman by offering a very unique definition of feminism.
Rising Strong by Brene Brown: Social scientist Brene Brown lifts the curtain on vulnerability and courage, and uncovers the meaning of rising strong as the ultimate path to fulfillment.
I know why the caged bird sings by Maya Angelou: Beloved classic writer Maya Angelou takes us on a journey through children’s loneliness and the unfairness of bigotry, into freedom and self-love.
Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes: Mega-talented writer Shonda Rhimes writes about the transformative challenge of committing to say yes to unexpected opportunities for an entire year.
Beloved by Toni Morrison: This haunting masterpiece by iconic writer Toni Morrison is a call to return to love, despite the trauma of slavery and human abuse.
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill: Anyone wanting to improve their lives and thinking must have this book on their reading list!
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: In this simple, teaching-filled book, teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz offers readers simple secrets to positive life changes.
The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte: This holistic life-planning tool is a revolution in chasing what really brings you happiness and joy in life. A must-read!
You are a badass by Jen Sincero: Hilarious and filled with light wisdom, this book is all about creating a life you love abandoning negative self-beliefs in the process.
Every time I mention Dear Husband is the one who does most of the cooking in our household, I, and pretty much everyone else around, cannot help but notice all the ensuing oohs and aahs. “How lucky I must be!”
“What a rare stroke of good marital fortune I must have happened to miraculously stumble upon?’”
To have a partner who “helps” at home…
While by all accounts, I married quite an extraordinary partner, I also realize that much of the reactions I, and other non-traditional and frankly non-domesticated women according to most traditional standards, are deeply embedded in age-old cultural norms.
As a woman born and raised in Senegal, West Africa, I’m all too-familiar with many of these norms. Those that dictate that certain roles are stereotypically assigned to women, while others, more glorious ones, are reserved for males. The same cultural standards rooted in the arbitrary male default that Caroline Criado Perez talks about so eloquently in her book “Invisible Women“. According this “male default”, the universal standard in pretty much anything has always been set to be male, which in turn, has created a pattern of “otherness” for women.
As a result, mostly everything around us, from the local infrastructure to the division of roles in the household, has been historically set to cater to the activities and needs of men, by design. Research by the IMF has found that on a global scale, women perform three times the amount of unpaid work than men do. This also means four times the amount of housework, and twice the amount of childcare, provided by men. These statistics are not historically surprising when you think of how traditional societies used to operate. However, when you consider that in most modern families, both parents work, this also translates into a dire situation for working women. One where, whereas the home may be viewed by men as a place of relaxation, it usually is working women’s “second shift”, or work after work.
Isn’t it any surprise then that society at large, women included, view spouses or partners who pick up any “extra” portion of the heavy household load reserved for women as exceptional? Or that the fact that a male partner would “help” in the carrying out of household chores would be quite outside the norms? Even that as working women we may resent, or fear (or both) the prospect of a male partner taking on roles traditionally reserved to us, because it may mean that somehow we’re breaking generational cultural norms? And can we blame them or us, for that matter?
Yet, truth is, we no more need our husbands or partners’ help, than we need an elusive “rest day” dedicated to catching up on week-old piled up laundry. What is needed really, and not just by working women, is a re-thinking of the cultural norms supporting the unfair distribution of unpaid work alleviated by the prospect of occasional partner “help”. Because as long as we glorify the “help”, the crucial integration of work and life will keep wobbling towards further imbalance for all. Until we can re-imagine society in a way that challenges deeply embedded cultural norms into modern times, we may keep stumbling upon the same age-old obstacles…
Does this mean ideologies and mentalities will be changed overnight? That through some holy egalitarian magic, gender equity for all will become reality? Certainly not…
Yet, what it may mean is that there is a growing need to educate society as to what women need, from better schedule considerations, down to transportation and zoning regulations that stand harshly in the way of providing adequate and affordable childcare and elder care. Because what women need, is what society needs…And that doesn’t require just help, it requires active participation and investment, and it starts at home…
So dear husbands, we don’t need help, we need your buy-in…
