While ambition may be viewed a tad negatively for women, it’s largely considered a positive trait in men. After all, the breadwinner’s role is one that has been considered male for ages, and with it the embodiment of ambition and the pursuit of success. Yet, what happens when an ambitious man and woman find themselves joined together as partners? Whose ambition comes on top and whose ambition must subside? Or is it possible that both sets of aspirations be equally satisfied? In an ideal world, we would wish so. In the real world of cultural and societal norms, morning traffic jams and kids’ temper tantrums, dual ambition is way more complicated than coordinating schedules and sharing dreams of ruling the world.
Take a regular family of four with a generally positive family atmosphere. Both parents have demanding yet flourishing careers. They also have dreams of climbing to the heights of their individual fields, and make no secret of it. In the midst of their dual ambition, life happens, what with its heavy load of poopy diapers, sleepless nights with sick children, kids pick-ups and drop-offs, etc. While both parents are heavily invested in their family, the mom carries the larger share of the unpaid household work and childcare needs. Since she happens to have more flexibility than her partner, which she willfully arranged for after having children, she devotes a large chunk of her time to caring for the family. Yet her ambition has not left her, so she puts in extra hours at night and early in the morning, catching up on work to further her career. By most accounts, it all seems to work, as the father helps a lot, and the entire family appears to juggle heavy schedules, extra-curricular activities and even work travel. What does not appear is the invisible, silent burden carried by the ambitious woman behind closed doors.
In many cases, the scenario above is an ideal one. As a matter of fact, this may be an ideal scenario. In a study analyzing the perceptions of children in dual career families published by the National Council on Families, adolescent children in these families tend to see their lifestyles as generally positive. In many other scenarios, ambitious, dedicated women also have to contend with being single parents, or caring for elderly parents; or the family dynamics are not as positive. Yet, even in what may be considered to be a less-than-ideal scenario, there is an unavoidable power struggle of ambitions and a no-less avoidable yielding of one in favor of the other.
While there are certainly cases of male partners who temporarily or permanently put their careers aside in favor of their female partners’, these seem to be more the exception than the rule. In most instances, dual ambition in a family also means women may have to adjust and regulate theirs to match the tune of their environment, which may also translates into a loss of earnings as well as opportunities, not to mention the significant amount of relational and personal stress created. How can we, as working women, find our place when we find ourselves in the midst of the dual ambition power struggle created by two demanding careers within one family unit?
Don’t be afraid to have the honest, tough conversations
Marriage and romantic partnership are far from easy to manage to begin with. When we add to it the pressures of two demanding careers, the stretch can bring most couples to the brink of destruction. Add to it a couple (or more) of kids, unending laundry, sticky floors and counters, and you’re in for quite the stressful ride…
This is why it’s so important, especially as working women and moms, to not be afraid to have the honest, raw, tough conversations with your partner. These are the talks about personal ambition, life goals, and even daily scheduling that many, if not most of us, dread having. As women, it may be tempting to avoid them altogether because truth is, we’ve hardly been socialized to demand the space we need in our relationships. However, in couples with dual demanding careers, and in any couple in general, it’s a must without which the whole relationship can be in peril.
As intimidating as it may be, schedule some time to sit down around a glass of wine (or the kids’ apple juice because you didn’t make it to the supermarket this week), and chat about questions such as: “Where do you see your career’ going?”, “What are your dreams?”, “Will you be traveling?”, “Who will care for the kids when we’re both at work?”, and other life and relationship-altering concerns…This may well save your marriage or relationship in the long-run.
It’s a game of give and take
In couples and partnerships with dual, demanding careers, a healthy exchange of give-and-take is inescapable. While women, even bread-winning wives, tend to provide a larger chunk of the household unpaid work, they cannot do it all (sorry ladies, we are superwomen, not unbreakable). This also means that there has to be some level of support provided by the other partner in the relationship, and/or outsourced to external sources of help such as outside caregivers, cleaning staff, etc.. Without this, maintaining dual demanding careers is virtually impossible. Even when it’s physically done, the mental, emotional and spiritual toll it takes on women outweighs any other wins, career or otherwise.
Setting up the foundation for this give-and-take requires honest and frequent communication as to the needs of both partners. This is especially relevant as individuals, along with their career goals and ambitions, change over time. Priorities need to be re-assessed constantly, and integrated into daily life with intentionality and care.
Realize that society is not yet ready for complete equity for women
I remember being extremely disappointed at myself for not being able to hold it ALL together as a working mom, including the kids, the marriage, the house, the job, and everything else that really matters to me. However, what I failed to realize then, was that we still (and probably will for quite some time) live in a society that is far from being ready for female equity. From infrastructures to work and everything in between, much of the world as we know it has been created from a historical perspective to cater to the interests of men. Modifying antiquated structures of society will take time and require patience, understanding and compassion for ourselves and others.
This is also a call to realize that we all play a role into creating the society we would like to live and thrive in as working women. We may not be there yet, but each and every one of our choices, from the way we manage our relationships to how we work, has an impact on designing the kind of lives we want to create.
How do you deal with dual, demanding careers in your marriage or relationship as a working woman/mom?
Like many of you, books are both my escape and a great source of learning. On my personal journey of self-love, they’ve been, and still are, some of my favorite go-to’s. As a matter of fact, the sheer fact of burying my head in a book for those rare moments of quiet, especially as a working mom, constitute the best acts of self-love for me.
I’ve been fortunate to be exposed, over the course of my personal and professional experience, to books that have changed the way I see myself and the world. When it comes to self-love, here are 10 books that have radically transformed both my understanding and application of self-love:
So Long a Letter by Mariama Ba: Written by Senegalese award-winning novelist Mariama Ba, this book exposes the reality of women from the perspective of an educated Muslim woman as part of her road to self-love.
We should all be feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: In this eloquent essay, famous author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie explores what it means to be a woman by offering a very unique definition of feminism.
Rising Strong by Brene Brown: Social scientist Brene Brown lifts the curtain on vulnerability and courage, and uncovers the meaning of rising strong as the ultimate path to fulfillment.
I know why the caged bird sings by Maya Angelou: Beloved classic writer Maya Angelou takes us on a journey through children’s loneliness and the unfairness of bigotry, into freedom and self-love.
Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes: Mega-talented writer Shonda Rhimes writes about the transformative challenge of committing to say yes to unexpected opportunities for an entire year.
Beloved by Toni Morrison: This haunting masterpiece by iconic writer Toni Morrison is a call to return to love, despite the trauma of slavery and human abuse.
Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill: Anyone wanting to improve their lives and thinking must have this book on their reading list!
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: In this simple, teaching-filled book, teacher and healer Don Miguel Ruiz offers readers simple secrets to positive life changes.
The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte: This holistic life-planning tool is a revolution in chasing what really brings you happiness and joy in life. A must-read!
You are a badass by Jen Sincero: Hilarious and filled with light wisdom, this book is all about creating a life you love abandoning negative self-beliefs in the process.
Every time I mention Dear Husband is the one who does most of the cooking in our household, I, and pretty much everyone else around, cannot help but notice all the ensuing oohs and aahs. “How lucky I must be!”
“What a rare stroke of good marital fortune I must have happened to miraculously stumble upon?’”
To have a partner who “helps” at home…
While by all accounts, I married quite an extraordinary partner, I also realize that much of the reactions I, and other non-traditional and frankly non-domesticated women according to most traditional standards, are deeply embedded in age-old cultural norms.
As a woman born and raised in Senegal, West Africa, I’m all too-familiar with many of these norms. Those that dictate that certain roles are stereotypically assigned to women, while others, more glorious ones, are reserved for males. The same cultural standards rooted in the arbitrary male default that Caroline Criado Perez talks about so eloquently in her book “Invisible Women“. According this “male default”, the universal standard in pretty much anything has always been set to be male, which in turn, has created a pattern of “otherness” for women.
As a result, mostly everything around us, from the local infrastructure to the division of roles in the household, has been historically set to cater to the activities and needs of men, by design. Research by the IMF has found that on a global scale, women perform three times the amount of unpaid work than men do. This also means four times the amount of housework, and twice the amount of childcare, provided by men. These statistics are not historically surprising when you think of how traditional societies used to operate. However, when you consider that in most modern families, both parents work, this also translates into a dire situation for working women. One where, whereas the home may be viewed by men as a place of relaxation, it usually is working women’s “second shift”, or work after work.
Isn’t it any surprise then that society at large, women included, view spouses or partners who pick up any “extra” portion of the heavy household load reserved for women as exceptional? Or that the fact that a male partner would “help” in the carrying out of household chores would be quite outside the norms? Even that as working women we may resent, or fear (or both) the prospect of a male partner taking on roles traditionally reserved to us, because it may mean that somehow we’re breaking generational cultural norms? And can we blame them or us, for that matter?
Yet, truth is, we no more need our husbands or partners’ help, than we need an elusive “rest day” dedicated to catching up on week-old piled up laundry. What is needed really, and not just by working women, is a re-thinking of the cultural norms supporting the unfair distribution of unpaid work alleviated by the prospect of occasional partner “help”. Because as long as we glorify the “help”, the crucial integration of work and life will keep wobbling towards further imbalance for all. Until we can re-imagine society in a way that challenges deeply embedded cultural norms into modern times, we may keep stumbling upon the same age-old obstacles…
Does this mean ideologies and mentalities will be changed overnight? That through some holy egalitarian magic, gender equity for all will become reality? Certainly not…
Yet, what it may mean is that there is a growing need to educate society as to what women need, from better schedule considerations, down to transportation and zoning regulations that stand harshly in the way of providing adequate and affordable childcare and elder care. Because what women need, is what society needs…And that doesn’t require just help, it requires active participation and investment, and it starts at home…
So dear husbands, we don’t need help, we need your buy-in…
Being a woman of faith at work can come with its sets of blessings, but also its fair share of challenges. If you’re one, you may already know this, and know it all too well. Many workplaces are not observant of faith-related practices, and may also be unfortunately dealing with religious prejudice in different forms. This is in addition to being subjected to the scrutiny and negative opinions of co-workers and managers who may not fully understand the commitments and realities that come with your faith. This is even more complex with the intersectionality of gender, religion, and sometimes race as well.
As a Christian working woman, it’s been important for me to understand how I could thrive in my faith in all areas of my life, including in my work. From my own experiences and chatting with other women of faith, I’ve learnt three (3) particularly powerful tips for women of faith to thrive in the workplace, not in spite of, but with the fullness of their faith:
Understand that others may not understand your faith
Faith is very much a personal matter, although it affects all the external areas of one’s life. It’s also a part of one’s life that others may not adhere to, understand or wish to have anything to do with. As such, it’s crucial to make peace with the fact that others around you in the workplace, from your co-workers to your managers, may not be familiar with this part of your experience.
Not only will this save you a lot of heartache when faced at times with any form of insensitivity or push-back, but it will also help you extend grace to others. This is certainly not an excuse for callous behavior on the part of anyone, but an invitation to consider the many reasons, from backgrounds to education, why those you share an office space with think differently than you do when it comes to faith.
Speak up as to your faith-related needs
In the same token, it’s also important for you to voice your needs as related to your faith. I have a Muslim friend who makes sure to build into her calendar religious holidays and ask for those days off well in advance. While Christian holidays may be recognized in the common calendar, other religious holidays may not be, hence the need to speak up and express your needs. As a woman of faith, you may also need added flexibility to attend faith-cased events or to prepare for holidays and events.
The point is, honoring your faith at work is also a matter of not repressing your needs and commitments, while still keeping on excelling in your work. You don’t have to struggle unnecessarily or silence yourself, when a simple conversation may afford you the time and flexibility you may need.
Use your faith as a bridge, not a wall
Faith of all kinds and forms should serve as a bridge to bring people together, rather than a wall to separate individuals. Many, if not most faiths, have in common a foundation of love and acceptance of others. As a woman of faith in the workplace, standing on this foundation is the most powerful way to thrive and help others thrive as well. Whether through inclusive and accepting teamwork, or by treating your co-workers and managers with grace, displaying the inclusive foundation of your faith can go a long way.
Use it also as an opportunity to educate those around you who may not know about your faith. I would rather someone ask questions than incorrectly assume anything about myself or my faith. This is a wonderful opportunity to create more understanding and better communication in and outside of the workplace. And isn’t it the goal after all?
And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34)
Do all your work in love. (1 Corinthians 16:14)
Foster diversity and inclusiveness for others
Respecting differences in faith in the workplace is part of fostering diversity and inclusiveness for everyone. Your experience as a woman of faith at work can help improve the experiences of other women like yourself. This can be done by starting a conversation around it, expressing yours and others’ similar needs, or suggesting educational opportunities around this. You are never too powerless to change your environment.
The more we all know about religious diversity, the more we’re able to create and nurture an inclusive environment for all. This may very start with you…
Are you a woman of faith in the workplace? How have you been thriving in your faith at work?
As working women, the challenges facing us at work and in life are numerous. While many of these challenges come from external circumstances, some of them are very much internal. As a matter of fact, some of the most powerful obstacles that keep us trapped at work and in life stem from our own mindsets.
In my own experience and that of many working women I’ve had the privilege of talking to, there are lethal, self-limiting belief systems that stand in our way. I’ve struggled with these belief systems, and still do from time to time. The good part is, these thoughts have helped me realize crucial realities about myself that have in turn allowed me to grow and evolve. Like me, you may have dealt or may be dealing with these same negative belief systems. You may recognize some of these here, and how to use them as information and fuel rather than deterrents to our purpose:
I’ve never done this before
How many times have you said this to yourself, when faced with a new task, a new job, or even a new relationship? Yet, it’s one of the biggest fallacies out there, preventing you from growing, evolving and challenging yourself and the status quo. Truth is, most of what is going to help you learn, grow and get to the next level, whether in your career or personal life, is going to be outside of your comfort zone. It will be something you’ve never done before, or imagined doing before.
As an introverted homebody who likes my comfortable spot on the couch with a comfortable book and cup of coffee, getting out of my comfort zone has been a stretch. Yet, it’s in unfamiliar environments, speaking to or teaching an audience that I have learnt the most. In the end, I’m learning to choose growth over comfort.
I’m not enough/I shouldn’t be here/ I’m not qualified enough
Most negative self-beliefs are rooted in this one thought: “I’m not enough!” It may have been something said to you, or inferred by a well-meaning person early on in life, or a thought you believed in after a traumatic experience. Whatever its source, it may have transmuted into a major block in your work and life. In your career, it may manifest as impostor syndrome, rooted in a general low sense of self-esteem. As a woman, you may be particularly prone to it through society’s conditioning and negative messages around the false limitations of womanhood.
This is one belief I’ve had to learnt to re-wire in my mind and life. Learning to increase your sense of self-worth is not only possible, it’s one of the most generous gifts you can offer yourself as a working woman. It may require you to invest in therapy, self-care, and mindset work, but in the end, it will prove to be the best investment you’ve ever made.
What are they going to think?
If like myself you’ve grown up in social settings where the opinions of others are highly valued, you may have asked yourself this question over and over again. As an African woman, community has always been important to me, and this in highly positive ways. Yet, the downside of this is that it may create a need to conform to others’ opinions of us, which may turn dangerous on our path to accomplishing our purpose.
While caring about others is important, holding their opinions of us over our heads is a sure formula for disaster in all areas of our lives. Learning to detach ourselves from others’ opinions in a healthy and considerate way is absolutely necessary to allow oneself to evolve. For me, it means respecting others’ opinions while committing to pursuing my own path.
It’s too late / It’s not the right time/I don’t have enough time
Change tends to happen at the most inconvenient times. Often, it feels like it’s too late, or it’s not the right time. Such beliefs end up keeping up from moving forward at work and/or in life. We think that we’ve missed our opportunity, that the door has closed for us, which is often misleading.
Deciding to back to school in my late thirties, I felt like it was way too late for what seemed like starting over again, especially after getting married and having kids. Yet, seizing the opportunity at an apparently inopportune time has proven to stretch and teach me in ways I could not have imagined. It is never too late, and the time is always right to do what’s right for you…
Have you been grappling with any of these negative belief systems or any other? How have you been dealing with these?
