“Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behaviors.” Brene Brown
This quote from one of my favorite of Brene Brown’s books “Dare to Lead” always stops me in my tracks, forcing me to re-consider how, as a working woman, I’m continuously addressing my fears and feelings, especially at work. We are all leaders in the work we do, regardless of our position or title, as we’re called on to have an impact through our work. However, what we often dismiss, are the experiences, many of them hurtful, the histories (many of them traumatic), as well as the deep-seated emotions we’ve been carrying within ourselves since childhood. These are the same histories, experiences, emotions, feelings and fears that we also take into our work, businesses, and professional lives, and that end up becoming our most disadvantageous blind spots as we keep facing the same challenges, over and over again.
Most of us have been hurt by various experiences we’ve faced. Whether it’s the trauma of being neglected as child, not being heard or valued as a partner or parent, or sustaining the loss of a loved one, and so many other deeply hurtful scenarios, these events stay with us as we work through them throughout our lives. This includes working through them, whether consciously or unconsciously, at work, where we spend the majority of our time. For instance, if you’ve been dismissed as a child, you may be working through this trauma, without even realizing it, by striving to be seen and heard in your workplace at whatever cost, including that of seeking approval from colleagues or cheating your way to the top of the corporate ladder. Or it could be the exact opposite, as you hide in the back of meeting rooms to avoid letting your potential be seen and heard.
The fears and feelings we all carry are also the source of the pain we keep experiencing in all environments, including at work. If we do not dare, as Brene Brown puts it so well, to “lead from a place of heart, instead of hurt“, we risk not showing up as our most authentic and capable self, thus ruining the very work that we strive to do each and every single day and damaging ourselves in the process. The most successful people, and working women especially that I have had the privilege to meet, work with, or just watch afar in admiration, have been women who have experienced some of the deepest pain and hurt, yet have done the work to turn this pain and hurt into the power they now show up with in their lives and work. That’s the very point, not just to focus on the feelings and fears that separate us from our best, but to leverage the pain and hurt into power.
So how do you keep your own histories, experiences, feelings and fears from stripping you of the very fulfillment you seek? How do you show up in power when your marriage may be failing, or you may be doubting yourself as a parent, or you’re battling an illness? How do you refrain from letting your old traumas show up at work in the form of harsh leadership, avoidance or faulty power dynamics? You do the work, the mindset work that is. It is hard work, but the best work you could do for yourself and others:
Acknowledge the source of your pain: This is where you take the blinders off, and ask yourself the tough questions. Questions such as: “Why do I need the approval and acceptance of my colleagues and bosses?”, “Why is it so important for me to take credit for my accomplishments at the expense of others?”, or “Why is it so hard for me to speak up or face confrontation?” The answer to these questions may be found in your moments spent in silence, through therapy, journaling, or even having honest conversations with friends and family. Some of these answers may shake you to your core, but as you peel the onion of your own self-image, they will lead you to some of the most important discoveries about yourself.
Choose to show up differently: This is where you re-write the story of your work, and ultimately that of your life. As you do the work to peel the layers of the mindset blocks that your experience has placed in front of you, you will also have to take your power back. It’s the power to re-write your own story, from hurt and disappointment, to being able to choose how you show up in your work and life. This means being vulnerable enough to seek constructive criticism from your team and colleagues, challenging yourself to step outside of your comfort zone, or address the areas in your work that have yielded the most frustration for you.
Keep doing the work: This is not a one-time, one-size-fits-all type of process. Instead, it’s continuous work that requires you to keep putting yourself in question, not as a way to doubt yourself, but as a way to positively check yourself. It can take the form of consistent check-ins with yourself and your team, where you can discuss areas of struggle and discord. It can also be a matter of assessing progress or stalling, and connecting both with yours and others’ level of connectedness to the mission at hand and the organization.
In a culture and an era that tends to dismiss fears and feelings in favor of hyper-productivity and superficial success, checking in with yourself and others remain the key to true fulfillment that translates into actual progress at an individual and organizational level. Maybe its not your performance, your education, credentials or experience that’s standing in your way. Maybe it’s just your old fears and feelings rearing their ugly heads and keeping you from your dream career. The good news is you have the power to change your story…
What fears and feelings are you battling with at work?
Have you ever taken a look at the list of Forbes Under 30, or Forbes Under 40, as you ponder the fact that you need your own list for your own age group? Do you sometimes (or often) wonder as you climb up the age ladder, if you will continue to climb up your own ladder of fulfillment and success as you age? Or does aging for the working woman that you are mean giving up on continued career and business growth and purpose? These are all questions you may have asked yourself. I know I have…
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ageism is defined as “prejudice or discrimination against a particular age-group and especially the elderly”. Among the various types of discriminations, including diversity-based, gender-based and racial discrimination, ageism is actually the most pervasive form of discriminating against individuals, especially in the workplace, with a whopping 44% of employees reporting experiencing age discrimination and over $810.4 million paid by employers to settle age discrimination-related charges filed with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). This type of discrimination also predominantly affects women and people of color. Despite the existence of the Age Discrimination Employment Act (ADEA), which legally acts against age discrimination in individuals age 40 or older, related discriminatory violations are still rampant in the workplace.
According to the Harvard Business Review, women in their mid-50’s are faced with new, and demeaning biases in the workplace, including the assumption their age is making them more tired and less interested in their work. As a result, they’re being forced out of work at an age where they are still flourishing. Despite laws targeting age discrimination, women over 50 still struggle with the pressure to maintain their credibility and relevance, especially in industries where women are judged by their external appearance, including the fashion and beauty industry.
You don’t even have to reach your 50’s these days to feel the pressure, quite honestly. Just scrolling through glossy Instagram profiles filled with younger and younger women flaunting photoshopped bodies and borrowed wisdom quotes is enough to make you apprehend the passing of time in your own life and career. I know when I look at the next 10 or 20 years ahead of me, God willing, a whole new set of questions and doubts haunt me, some of which are a normal part of aging, while others are imposed to me by a society that treats aging as a non-recyclable life component.
What I, and so many other women (because the reality is, we’re all aging), want to hear more about, are ways in which we still can, and are encouraged to, well in our 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and beyond, to have fulfilling, successful careers and lives and showing our fellow counterparts what it looks and feels like to gracefully thrive with age. What we want is more businesses, organizations and governments to set up the appropriate systems and infrastructures to foster the flourishing of more working women beyond hurtful and damaging aging stereotypes. There are a few ways to that you and I can participate in this movement by fostering:
Acknowledging and pointing out the problem in our own organizations
Ageism manifests in many ways, some more subtle than others. From job ads that fail to use age-inclusive language, instead referring to new, non-inclusive terminology such as “digital native” (which refers to an individual born or brought up during technology’s age), to lack of training on the related discrimination, many, if not most organizations and businesses are dropping the ball when it comes to preventing and remedying ageism. This is without mentioning open and blatant instances of age discrimination that may happen right in front of us.
As working women, we can help by identifying these instances, and offering solutions. How about transition paths being offered to older working women, instead of simply unceremoniously booting them out of the workplace with semi-compensating retirement packages? Or the creation of more inclusive job advertisements and in-house trainings geared at educating all generations on the dire costs of ageism? Or gathering the data necessary to present to the appropriate governmental, legal and business bodies to create requirements to counter this issue?
Promoting and leveraging the growth that comes with aging
There’s a reason why some of the best educational programs, including some prestigious Masters in Business Administration, notably from Harvard, require prior experience. As much as we may laud the power of influence, social media and early prominence these days, it’s undeniable that experience and growth play a crucial role in career and business success. This is all the more relevant as working women age, gathering the benefits of extensive personal and professional experience, bring these benefits to their place of business, thus empowering other women.
Aging is a privilege, not just for working women, but also for organizations and businesses. By foregoing the invaluable advantages that come with the experience and growth of working women, organizations and businesses also deprive themselves of a major driving force of success.
Fostering increased innovation and re-inventing ourselves
Both individuals and organizations thrive on reinvention and organization. What many fail to understand is that innovation is not just the product of youth, it’s also a compound of general growth and experience. As a matter of fact, a recent study by MIT found that the average age of startup founders is 42, which destroys the myth of the young founder. As working women, we have the privilege, and also the burden, to experience and handle multiple aspects of life and work from the various hats we wear all throughout our lives, from caretakers, mothers, to professionals and so many other roles.
As such, we constantly have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves through our various stages of growth. This is also a great benefit that aging women bring to all areas of their work and life, including their career. As such, organizations should look more to aging women for opportunities for reinvention, growth and improvement.
Overall, while working women and people of color are the most affected by ageism and age-related discrimination, there are a few ways that each and every one of us can counter-act this destructive and costly phenomenon, in our own capacity, in our departments, organizations, and businesses.
Have you experienced age-related discrimination? What are your thoughts on it?
Sitting in the waiting room at the dance class studio while my daughter was taking ballet, after arriving rushedly a few minutes late, I looked around at all the other parents around me. Most of them were moms, and most of them, were looking slightly, or very…tired. It was 6pm, the class went until 7pm, which means for many, if not most of us, we were grappling with the thought of picking some quick food on way home, or trying to desperately remember if there were any leftovers in the fridge. And yes, most of us probably do this more than once a week, in addition to handling the household load and professional obligations…’Tis the era of the successful, glass-ceiling, concrete-wall breaking, but oh so tired working Supermom!
I was raised by a single working mom, so from a very early age, I already was all too-well acquainted with the challenges of what I would always think of as “complicated motherhood”. The kind that requires one to be a mom and a dad, to work and clean the house and cook the meals and balance the checkbook…Yet, even for non-single working moms, when you fast-forward to the present times of “leaning in” and “sitting at the table”, you quickly realize that in some way modern moms have also signed up for “complicated motherhood”, the SuperMom kind. Except after dropping off the kids to school, commuting to work, holding her own at work, picking up the kids, driving to extra-curricular activities, figuring out dinner, bedtime, and everything in between, SuperMom gets seriously tired…
The amount of obligations and requirements the popular modern definition of success for working moms has heaped on our plates is astounding. What’s even more astounding, is that we still bravely, fiercely, and sometimes unconsciously, strive to check in all the boxes, satisfy all the requirements, and play all the parts we’ve been assigned and have assigned ourselves as well. That’s how our SuperMom capes get so heavy, as they fill up with social activities, personal and professional responsibilities, and worse of all, the ever-looming sense that as our to-do lists get longer and less effective as ever, we are not enough. And in turn, we teach our daughters and our sons to have the same unrealistic and destructive expectations we, and the rest of the world, throw at ourselves.
In the modern era of the working mom who can have it all, it may be high time to opt for having all that matters instead, and ditch our super-sheroes capes in favor of our fulfillment, purpose and sanity:
Assess what’s truly IMPORTANT and IN ALIGNMENT with you and your family:
When you’re a working mom, everything seems important, from the kids’ lunch menu form to the meeting at work. It’s as if we had this “IMPORTANT” basket right on top of our heads, day in and day out, that we desperately try to keep in balance at all times. We’re trying to devise the dinner menu while on the conference call, checking the time to make sure we’re not late for after-school pickup and the kids’ dance and soccer practice. Too much!
What is truly IMPORTANT to you and your family? What are those non-negotiables you need to agree on with your partner and your children? After hectic months of running around in sheer exhaustion between work, home and school, we had to have those important conversations in our household. Without agreement, alignment, and a sense that we’re all in alignment with our current purpose and goals, it doesn’t work…
Recognize your limitations
Moms are powerful. Like everyone else, they also have limitations. It’s called being human, which also means making it to the 8am meeting after dropping off the kids probably won’t leave room to wash all the dishes in the sink. Or that not having a minute to yourself as you try to climb the corporate ladder will not let you enjoy family time.
Admitting that in each season of your life and work, you will have limitations, is key. Not as an admission of guilt, or a sign you’re giving up, but as a gentle reminder slowing down is a blessing. What are the limitations you know you’re facing? Where can you cut down on time and effort? What can you take off your plate?
Be more present
The problem with overachieving is the more you try to fit into your busy schedule, the less you’re able to be present for it all, mentally, physically and spiritually. Are you barely listening to the kids as you’re trying to make dinner and be on the conference call all at once? Do you notice your temper getting shorter by the second as you try to do three things at once? It may be time to invest in less busyness and more actual presence…
Recently, Goldman Sachs shook the business world by announcing that starting July 2021, it will no longer help companies perform IPOs unless said companies include diversity on its board, with a focus on women. What this decision also means is a significant departure from the all-white, all-male boards that have been the rule for so long, at the expense of the much necessary gender diversity that has been proven to be so beneficial to businesses.
This push for diversity comes right on the heels of much debate by policy experts and lawmakers alike around the lack of gender diversity in the C-suite and boardroom. The MIT Sloan School of Managementactually reveals that while women occupy about 1 in 5 seats on the boards of S&P500 companies, most boards are still mostly composed of men.
Yet, change is certainly looming on the horizon. The state of California passed into law the requirement to have at least one female director on the board of California-based public companies. In addition, companies with board members of 6 or more individuals are required to include at least three new female directors.
As one of two women of color sitting on the board of a not-for-profit organization, I can see first-hand the advantage and influence that gender diversity can bring to companies. The unique perspective, management style, business savvy, and community outreach, among other factors, that women bring to the table, literally can change an organization for the better. If women constitute 50% of the world population, does it make any practical or business sense to keep them out of the boardrooms where decisions for 100% of the population are made?
While there’s still certainly a long way to go, what this means for working women and gender diversity is that there is finally some flicker of a light at the end of the gender diversity tunnel. In more concrete terms, the repercussions are not only motivating but also of a historical proportion:
There are more incentives for companies to adopt gender diversity
Unfortunately and fortunately, it’s mostly through legal change and business/social incentives that gender diversity may be allowed by the institutions and people who are still resisting it. In this sense, it is up to all of us to create the platform to generate these incentives and legal changes that will drive gender diversity forward, as in the example of Goldman Sachs and the state of California.
This is a motivating factor for women to stop fearing sitting at the table
For many business women, especially minority women, sitting at the board of a company may seem like a far-fetched dream. However, every day that we are advocating for gender diversity, we are removing one piece of this opposing wall. It’s a great motivating factor to see that not only is it possible to crush this wall, but that it’s our responsibility to do so.
It’s a win-win for businesses, women and society at large
All in all, increasing the gender diversity on boards is a win-win for all. Businesses win, as their IPO performance, and general performance, is proven to be better when there is at least one woman on their board. Women win, as we extend the fullness of our potential to serve and impact the industries and businesses that in turn impact the world. Society wins, as we all change the meaning of true diversity for the better.
Welcome to the Let It Be Friday!, where I say hello (and TGIF), and round up the lifestyle, career and business news that inspired, excited, made me smile (or laugh out loud).
This week, we mourned on Sunday the loss of iconic basketball player and sports legend Kobe Bryant, who tragically passed away in a helicopter crash along with his 13 year-old daughter Gianna and all the other passengers. As we honor all the lives lost, we remember Kobe’s love for his daughters, celebrated with the #girldad hashtag and movement on social media.
However, we celebrate, along with Black Enterprise, legendary actress Cicely Tyson’s induction in the 2020 TV Hall of Fame, as well as our FLOTUS FOREVER Michelle Obama winning a Grammy Award for the audio version of her book “Becoming”.
Worried about potential health problems? US News lists 6 things all employees should know about the Family and Medical Leave Act.
Are you a new mom? Working Mother lists the 12 most unsolicited pieces of advice new moms get.
‘Tis the season for colds and flus! Business Insider details the work rules around getting sick at work.
Couples alert! If you need romantic dinner ideas, Food52 has gathered 10 date night menus, right on time for V-Day.
In 2020, women want equal rights. Refiney29 lists all the US laws that as women, we should know.
Want to make your home a haven of peace, especially after those hectic days at work? Forbes lists Marie Kondo’s best tips to make your home a relaxing space.
Are you planning for your future and that of your family this year? The Corporate Sister explains 3 basics of estate planning for working moms.
Looking for new reads? The New York Times recommends these 10 new books this week.
