Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
How many times this week/month/year have you set aside your own needs for that of others? How many times have you felt yourself shrinking, and sometimes even a bit resentful, at not being able to have a little tiny bit of a moment to yourself, to do something you truly enjoy, or just to be and breathe? How many times have you questioned yourself, only to be overwhelmed by this constant sense of guilt that seems to follow you everywhere, all the way to the bathroom as you strive to pee alone?
Yes, you’ve got a lot on your plate. And yes, you may not exactly in a position to pick and choose what to let go of, and what to keep of your obligations and commitments, because so many people depend on you. Yet, really, how much of all this stuff on your plate do you really have to take on all at once? Are all the to-do’s on your to-do list really to do? What would happen if you let go of some of the least essential of these, if you did not work all these extra hours to treat everyone, if you did not cook all the meals but taught the kids how to, if you did ask for the help you need? What would happen if you broke yourself a little less so others can remain whole, if you dared to say “No, this doesn’t actually work for me”, or “This is what I need‘’? What would happen then?
Maybe what would happen is that world would not come to an end…That others would come to your help, honor your value, and give you what you did not realize you really never asked for out loud…Maybe the world would open up entire streams of possibilities and opportunities as its usual gracious response to all those who dare to seek more of the wholeness they’ve always had but so selflessly gave away…
Maybe if you dared to please yourself for once, or twice, or a few times, you would realize that no one is going to break…That actually those who truly love you have been waiting for you to take yourself back, to take your time back, to take your wholeness back, so they too could learn through you to own their wholeness…That giving of oneself does not equate giving all of you because when you give all of you, you have nothing left to give…
Dear Working Mom, I hope today, and every day, even if it’s at the end of the day, or when the first rays of sun shine through the window of your soul, that you decide to put yourself first. I hope you don’t feel shame pleasing yourself once, twice, or many times, not at the expense of others, but at the expense of hiding your true, beautiful and unique wholeness to a world that needs it more than it will ever need your sacrifice…
It’s not from me. It’s from the Greek philosopher Heraclitus. And no, I’m no expert at ancient Greek philosophy, but I, like so many of us, have certainly had the privilege (and pain) to learn about this adage the hard way. As in, when change strikes when you least expect. Or when crisis hits, and it seems life may never return to “normal”, as in this pandemic we’re currently experiencing.
There is so much talk about returning to “normal”, to our “normal” family and friends, our “normal” schools, jobs and businesses, to our “normal” way of doing things… Yet, we’re all changing, growing and adapting through this, and so are our families, friends, institutions, businesses, and our society as a whole…Nothing will be quite “normal” after this, and nothing really has been “normal” about our lives as people, as working women and moms, for the simple reason that change has always been present…Family change, moves, relocations, job losses, job gains, bankruptcy, divorce, new marriage, new baby, new job, new business: change has always been the only constant…
A 2009 survey by Mc Kinsey & Co.of over 800 women serving as global business leaders showed that leadership behaviors of women leaders prove critical in navigating through a global economic crisis. Additionally, the survey also revealed that companies with at least three female executives achieve a higher score on key organizational dimensions. This goes to demonstrate that when it comes to handling change and thriving through crisis, women are certainly well-equipped both personally and professionally.
However, it can be easy for many of us, as working women and moms, to doubt our own ability to navigate change and effectively handle times of crisis, despite the undeniable evidence to the contrary. Some of the tips below may help not just in reminding ourselves of our incredible resilience, adaptability and agility, but also as guideposts to keep cultivating these:
Consider the BIG picture
I’ve learnt when the going gets tough, and the solutions are not readily available, to stay out of the weeds and details of situations, whether personally or professionally. I used to be stuck on details and be lost, instead of looking at the whole picture and see helpful patterns. If you just look at the soccer ball during the game, you easily get lost. When you start looking at the players’ patterns, you can see the entire game.
What are the patterns you can see in your situation? What are they teaching you personally and professionally? Are you seeing patterns repeating themselves, and what can you do about it?
Ask different questions
One of the first skills I learnt as a brand new associate auditor straight out of school was to ask the right questions. Not any questions, but the right questions. In situations when the solutions are not clear, like in this crisis, you may want to ask different questions that open up different, wider possibilities.
Questions like: “What seems possible today?”, “What can I learn here?”, “What did I not expect and what can I do with that?”
Experiment and learn
In a situation of crisis, it’s easy to just pinpoint a goal and try to get there. When this all started, my initial goal was to try and keep everything as “normal” as possible until the crisis ended. Needless to say, that didn’t work…Instead I had to look at unconventional and unexpected places that showed some promise or at least a glimmer of hope, like using technology to teach, or talking to my kids differently, or creating new rituals in my couple so we didn’t kill each other before the virus got to us (I know, that’s terrible humor)…
As working women and moms, we’re not just wired to survive times of crisis and change, but to thrive and rise through them…
Who better than a working mom juggling the challenges of raising kids, running a household and striving in her career, knows how to work under pressure? Not many. During times of uncertainty and challenge, we can all learn so much from working moms who don’t just survive, but actually thrive during tough times.
Being and watching other working moms successfully juggle life and work, starting with my own mother, has taught me infinitely more than I could learn from the best crisis management courses. There is something about facing days filled with raising little humans, nurturing relationships and building careers, while growing and developing into the best version of yourself, that makes you resilient in the face of the worst high-pressure situations, such as the coronavirus pandemic we’re currently facing. Here are some of the best tips I’ve gathered from being, watching and talking to working moms around me to work successfully under pressure:
Have a “gotta do what you’ve got to do” mentality
Decide that no matter what, you’ve literally got to do what you’ve got to do. This is the mentality I’ve seen exceptional working moms adopt when at a professional or personal impasse. There is no giving up when you have a family to feed, people to help, organizations to support and life goals to reach.
Whether it’s looking for a new job, starting a side gig, waking up earlier, you’ve just got to do what you what you’ve got to do!
Be resourceful
Different times call for different resources, and no one knows this better than a working mom. Resourcefulness is the name of the game when you have to deal with family change of plans at the last minute, run to pick up a sick kid, or shine during an online meeting while potty-training a toddler.
When crisis hits, don’t hesitate to ditch traditional ways of doing things for more resourceful options.
Decide and focus on your priorities
Challenging times call for increased focus. When circumstances get tough, there’s limited time to handle every single task. Working moms who strive under pressure know what to prioritize and what to let go of. There is no room for perfectionism when you’re under pressure, so you must zoom in on your most important priorities.
What are your priorities? How can you manage to attend to these while keeping on going during difficult times? It may mean waking earlier to care for the kids first before tackling work, or put money aside for essential needs at the expense of other wants.
Learn from experience
Experience, especially the tough kind, is what makes resilient and strong working moms. This experience is often made of its fair share of failures, setbacks, and learn-on-the-spot kind of moments. When the pressure mounts, it becomes crucial to dip into your reserves of experience to keep going, and actually to perform better than before.
What have you learnt from experience, especially during times of prior crisis and challenge? How can you apply to the current challenges you’re facing?
Dare to ask for help
Under pressure, it can be tempting to want to do it all on your own. Yet one thing many working moms know is trying to handle it all does not work. While asking for help may initially feel intimidating and a blow to our egos, it actually is a sign of strength.
The most resilient people are also those who are not afraid to show their vulnerability, namely by reaching out to seek assistance. This is especially important during challenging times that may require more resources, time and energy that we may have at our disposal.
All in all, there’s a lot we can learn from working moms when it comes to working under pressure, from having a tough mentality to displaying resourcefulness and daring to ask for help.
What simple tips do you have to work under pressure?
As work is increasingly done remotely, especially in the face of the coronavirus pandemic, more meetings are being conducted online. While the general rules of an effective meeting apply remotely as well, the change in environment and setting does alter the way we run and perform in an online meeting. This change in environment can be especially challenging for working women and working moms, who may find thatremote meetings make it even harder for women to be heard and stand out.
According to this study by psychologist Victoria Brescoll, work meetings in general perpetuate gender inequities in the workplace, as men speaking up more often tend to be viewed as more competent while women would be rated less competent when speaking up more often. These inequities in turn tend be amplified in online environments. Additionally, women are largely in charge of household responsibilities, and as such are more likely to be preoccupied and distracted by sheer virtue of being home. As such, the same traditional gender roles that may overrule workplaces and households may also take over during online meetings.
As a working mom and introvert, switching from physical meetings to remote, online ones has certainly been an adjustment. First, the online etiquette is different from that of live meetings, which affects the way participants contribute and stand out. Second, the way an online meeting is run has significant repercussions on its effectiveness and outcome. Last but not least, the incidence of potential technical difficulties can discourage contributors as well.
So how do you stand out as a working woman in an online meeting, when you may be worried about your kids barging in the room at any moment, or preoccupied about dinner in addition to all your work deliverables? How do you manage all your competing priorities while still appearing professional and doing your best work? What do you make of less than ideal circumstances when your goal is to keep forging ahead successfully both personally and professionally? While the answers may vary from one woman to another, there are a few steps that may help:
Be intentional about the meeting: What are you bringing to the table and what are you hoping to get out of it?
Online meetings, just like meetings in general, can be huge time-wasters, especially considering the lessened physical interaction and remote environment, in which so many things can go under the radar and be unnoticed. It’s the reason why I’ve learnt to be more intentional about meetings in general, and about online meetings in particular.
What are you able to contribute to the meeting? What are you hoping to get out of the meeting? The clearer you are about your answers to these questions, the better the outcome.
Prepare ahead of time
Advance preparation for any meeting cannot be overemphasized. For online meetings, it’s even more crucial and includes more elements such as:
The appropriate online etiquette
The agenda of the meeting
The location of the files to be discussed, if any
The meeting participants
Any technical arrangements in case you have to present something for instance
Etc…
This also means testing the technology beforehand, to make sure you will not have any issues accessing the meeting or contributing to it. Also make sure you have additional options such as audio dial-in, in case your internet connection becomes unstable.
If possible, share your video
In the absence of physical interaction, picking up on facial and bodily cues becomes crucial during online meetings. While there are certainly instances when you’re not able to appear on video, as much as possible when you’re able to do so, allowing yourself to be seen makes a difference in the way you’re perceived and how your contribution to the meeting is received. This helps personalize the conversation, and adds another layer of professionalism and personality to your presence and contribution.
As such, showing up with a professional appearance is recommended. While it can be tempting to adopt a more laid-back style at home, a professional look while at work, even remotely, can go a long way towards maintaining and improving your professional reputation.
Don’t be afraid to speak up!
It may be intimidating and a bit cumbersome to speak up in an online environment. Actually, it may be quite tempting to hide behind one’s screen and lay low. However, this is where your capacity to adapt to changing circumstances and still be reliable and consistent is tested.
If online meetings are intimidating to you, consider rehearsing your potential remarks and contributions ahead of time. Jot down the ideas you intend to share, so you can rely back on your notes during the meeting. Additionally, consider using the chatting capabilities, if available, to share additional insights and remarks.
Prepare to deal with last-minute mishaps like a pro!
When working from home, especially as a working woman and mom, mishaps are bound to happen. I’ve had my kids pop up during online meetings, my phone accidentally go off or crash on the floor, or the doorbell ring off the hook in the middle of a virtual presentation…Things just happen!
Mentally prepare for the possibility of mishaps, so as not to lose your focus and countenance when these occur (because they will happen). Even better, you may choose to forewarn the other participants, if you suspect an interruption during the meeting, and have some sort of a contingency plan in place, just in case. Whatever may happen, try and keep your cool. This is also how you demonstrate leadership and adaptability, and stand out as a true leader.
Keep the human touch!
Don’t forget to keep the human touch, even remotely! Smiling, being courteous and considerate never go out of style, even and especially in online environments. Showing respect and appreciation for others, while still bringing your contributions to the online table, are also signs of great leadership and personality.
All in all, standing out in an online work meeting may be far from easy for working women and moms, due to consistent gender inequities and the unequal distribution of responsibilities on the home front. However, positive change can be created with a few consistent steps and actions…
How are you managing and standing out in online meetings as a working woman and mom?
Dear Working Mom is our weekly letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
So often, the world tends to measure and glorify your worth by how much you do. How much you dedicate yourself to your family, how well you’re able to “balance” it all, be it career, life or relationships, and how good you are at making it look all easy and glamorous in the process. The more you can do, and add to your already full plate, the more you’re glorified and encouraged to take on even more.
With enough time, external and internal pressure, you may have come to value yourself as a working mom based on what you do. So you keep going, despite being exhausted and unsure at times, adding to your already overwhelming to-do list, running from work meetings to the kids’ extra-curricular activities, making time to answer texts and hang out with the girls, and still managing to look impeccable in the process…
Yet, no one really knows as much as you do how tired and in need of a break you are. Even when it seems you can take a break, life manages to fill it up with chores to catch up on, programs to devise, and something extra to do…At the end of the day, you feel that you are defined by what you do rather than simply by who you are…What if you were not around? What if you couldn’t do what you do? What if…
It would take something monumental to happen for you to stop and observe the much-needed pause you’ve been craving for so long…And even then, you may still have someone to help, someone to rescue, some task to carry out…While you may find it challenging to resist the temptation to define yourself and base your value on what you do, there are a few self-probing questions that may help you, and all of us in the process, move back to valuing who we are and not just what we do:
Who are you when you’re not doing?
How many times have you asked yourself who you really are when you’re not doing? When you’re not taking care of someone else, working towards a goal or for someone else, or striving to satisfy yours or others’ expectations? What are the passions, likes and dislikes at the core of yourself, that you may have neglected to instead carry out your various responsibilities and duties?
As you ask yourself these questions and others along the same lines, you may find out some pretty fascinating things about yourself. You may re-connect with past loves and interests, discover some parts of yourself you may have buried deep inside a long time ago, and fall back in love with the individual behind the overachieving, high-performing woman.
How would you re-define yourself outside of what you do?
If you could re-define yourself, what would you do more of? What would you do less of? How would you re-invent yourself? What would your ideal life and work look like?
When you take some time away from doing, achieving and performing, you may just find yourself ready to go in a different personal and professional direction. Or you may find that some aspects of the way you’ve been living and working should change, or at least be modified somewhat.
How can you protect the truth of who you are?
When there are so many demands on your person, time and energy, how can you protect your authenticity? How can you remain to your true desires and nature when you barely have time to stop and take a pause to even discover these? How can you draw healthy boundaries that allow you to preserve the truth of who you are, while allowing you to grow into the best version of yourself, at your own pace?
As you distance yourself from just what you do and get closer to who you are, you may start feeling the urge to protect your precious authenticity from society’s demands and impositions. You may begin to think of stricter boundaries on your time, what you devote your energy to, and where you choose to put your attention.
Because Dear Working Mom, you are not defined by what you do. You have value and worth simply because of who you are…
