“That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain’t I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain’t I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man – when I could get it – and bear the lash as well! And ain’t I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother’s grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain’t I a woman?“
In the words of Sojourner Truth, known for her historical speech at an Ohio Women’s Rights Convention in 1851, what’s it really about being a Black woman? As I read her words, what does it really mean to stand at the intersection of being Black and female? What does it mean in the workplace, on the streets, at home? What does it mean to live in the body and the mind of a Black woman?
Being a Black woman means being at the intersection of race and gender. It also means being stuck in a professional and personal double bind, that of race and gender. The powerful, feared and harsh combination of two minority statuses rolled into the same individual and exposed for all to see, against the brutal misconceptions of society and oneself. It is the mix of negative messaging, insecurities and stereotypes channeled from one inequitable position to another, fused in a confusing cloud of misperception and misalignment. It is the conundrum of belonging in a partial way, which really is synonymous with not belonging at all. Stuck between a rock and a hard place…
As a woman, you feel like you are to join hands with all women. As a Black woman, you may be very well on your own, at tables where you may be the “only one”, in discussions where your voice may either sound like an empty echo or a gritting scream, or just a resounding silence… On paper, you may be deemed worthy, but in numbers, your value may be discounted. On paper, you may be read as “strong”, “invincible”,yet as the likes of powerful athlete Serena Williams and talented comedian and actress Leslie Jones, too “masculine-looking”. Or even as an “ape in heels”, as First Lady Michelle Obama was once insultingly portrayed.
Being at the intersection of anything also means residing at the periphery of everything. It’s an uncomfortable, trying place where one constantly has to prove their worth, even to themselves. A place of guilty, both conscious and unconscious, betrayal at the hands of oneself and society. A place where every step is on the lava floor of racial and gendered identity, and the pain, confusion and saving grace of growth that come with it…It’s a place no one really chooses to be in, for no one really picks the in-between, unless there is the threat of fire on both sides..
Being a Black woman is asking the question: “Ain’t I a woman?”, over and over again, at the meeting table, in the family conversations, in the mothering of our children, in the soothing of our own souls…It’s also getting multiple, sometimes conflicting answers to the same heartbreaking query, and often settling for only a fraction of the right ones. Settling for a fraction of the right salary…Settling for a fraction of the credit, a fraction of the peace, a fraction of the life…
Yet, navigating both realities of being woman and Black does not necessarily equate settling for the eternal dance between identities, codes and communities. One can take a stand and cut the pie in the middle. One can choose both, and have both. Yet, as for all progress, taking a stand, especially taking a middle, all-encompassing, stand comes at a price. It’s the price of embracing all of who we are, the multiple reflections of growth and evolution, as well as the entrenched images of self in a larger-than-life picture of what it truly means to be human. For being human is being a well of complexity, a receptacle of harsh contrasts and soft similarities, a deep pit of conflict and peace, of oneness and uniqueness. Being human is messy. And so is being a Black woman, at the intersection of race, gender and all of humanity…
It means letting of the lethal ideology of comfort and apparent belonging, to embrace the fearful uncertainty of the redeeming human difference. There is no comfort in progress and advancement. And isn’t that what we’re after, as a people, as a human race? Isn’t the fruit of struggle coming out of the seed of discomfort and difference? Neither is there belonging in the very concept of expansion, as an individual, as a society, as a world. Birth, from that of a human being to that of an organization, is synonymous with the very expansion that creates the same belonging that it negates later on through the necessity of emancipation and growth.
It means replacing the short-sightedness of immediate results, with the long vision of impact. How is our stance, at the corner of race and gender, creating the needed impact to open doors at all the levels we’re playing a role in? How is representation being increased, instead of limited and selective, by the sheer impact of our presence, the resonating weight of our voices, the long reach of our hands lifting and raising across lines of gender and race?
Last but not least, it ultimately means creating the support we need to serve those who don’t yet know they need it too. For it is when we recognize the needs of others, that we touch our own needs, minister to our own hearts, and heal our own wounds. Support is healing, and healing knows no boundaries. It expands across lines of identities and conceptions, to encompass the heart of humanity at the intersection of being human and being well,… human.
“Ain’t I a woman”, said Sojourner Truth. For at the intersection of race and gender, is the infinite view of what it means to be beautifully human, complex and boundary-breaking.
Dear Working Mom is our weekly love letter to working moms everywhere, where we talk about motherhood, life, work and everything in between…
Dear Working Mom,
You’ve been holding on for a long time now, doing your absolute best, going above and beyond for everyone else…except yourself! You’ve been maintaining this façade, however successfully, of the strong woman who’s got it…Just like you’ve been taught by generations of strong women before you, whose tears no one saw, who only got half the credit for their full work, who kept plowing through the challenges and still made it happen, whatever “it” was, from a holiday mean on a shoestring budget, to “magically” paying tuition and rent every month…
Yet, the reality is, you’re crumbling…You have been for some time, without letting anyone know, not even yourself. It’s been hard, at times unbearably hard, so hard you could not even find the tears to cry or the words to explain…Prayers and affirmations are not even comforting anymore, as you look through your phone for someone to call before finally resigning yourself to handle your business alone…
This whole time, you’ve not given yourself permission to fall apart. After all, ain’t nobody got time for that! You’ve got way too much on your plate, way too many people counting on you, and way too many people expecting you to fail…So you’ve been soldiering on, not allowing yourself to feel your feelings, explore your emotions, or simply take a break…You’ve bottled it all in, the pain, the exhaustion, the trauma, the incessant worries, in the name of stoic resilience and superhuman courage, at the cost of your own sanity and mental health…Yet, instead of making things better, it’s made it all so much worse…
You’ve been taught falling apart is a bad look. Admitting you’re vulnerable is a sign of weakness and incompetence. That women can and should do it all, at the same time, whatever the cost. Yet, what if it had been the wrong message all along? What if feeling the emotions, putting down the façade, and taking a breath were actually necessary? Not to stay there and wallow in self-pity, but to observe a pause, to allow yourself to fall apart so you can pick yourself back up and rebuild afterwards, instead of endlessly running on fumes?
In this season, give yourself permission to fall apart, to feel all the “feels”, to take a break, and replenish yourself before starting over again. Because it takes courage to open up and be vulnerable. It takes compassion, for oneself and for others, to share one’s struggles so others can see they’re not alone.
Because falling apart is not weak, it’s necessary, as long as you don’t stay there…
Being vulnerable is not “not handling your business”…
Seeking help and support is not being fragile, but showing strength and courage…
Give yourself permission to fall apart…and then get back up!
Typical morning! By the time you roll out of bed, your entire schedule is flashing before your eyes, from getting the kids’ breakfast ready to meeting every deadline for the day. For many, if not most working moms, this is done on a stand-alone basis, with limited, sometimes non-existent, help from their partners.
One of the recurring complaints I keep hearing from working moms through the COVID-19 pandemic is all around the added load and burden of caring for kids and the household, in addition to handling work responsibilities. However, while men have been participating more in household chores, they’ve still been able to achieve much more work than women. Overall, in the work-from-home revolution, women got left behind while the inequities in the home and at work keep being perpetuated. As a matter of fact, Motherly’s 2020 State of Motherhood Survey reveals mothers are in a critical state of burnout.
How realistic is it for a working woman and working mom to give her all in her career, when the brunt of the home responsibilities falls on her? How many jobs can a working mom do at once, especially during this pandemic, caring for children, elderly parents, the household, all the while breaking herself to keep being employed? What conversations must be had at home and in the workplace to not just assist working women and moms, but actually set them up for success? These are many questions hovering over the surface of the still gigantic gap separating women and men at work. Questions that will probably take a long time to answer, yet that we in the meantime can help address in the home with a few changes:
Have THE equity talk with your partner
This is a conversation that should actually be had before people commit to each other, and frequently thereafter:
How can we handle household responsibilities to preserve a sense of equity?
How can we help each other grow in our purpose?
What are the non-negotiables in terms of equity?
These are just some of the questions that can, and will pop up as you have THE talk.
Set ground rules and boundaries (and stick to them)
Life happens, habits set in, and it can be so easy for the lines between equity and non-equity in the household to be blurred. Hence the importance of setting ground rules and establishing clear boundaries…While each household functions differently, basic ground rules around the distribution of household chores and care is quite common..
Even more important to setting ground rules and boundaries, sticking to them is crucial. It’s one thing to establish a new family pattern, and another one to keep it consistent in the long-run.
Involve the kids
Why do my kids walk straight past their dad to come ask me for a snack and the meaning of life? The reality is, many of the patterns we find in our households, are also internalized and learnt by our kids. This is why it’s so important to involve the kids in equity discussions in the household, as these will teach them much and later impact the way they see gender equity in all areas of their lives.
This may also mean openly assigning various chores and responsibilities irrespective of gender (yes, boys can do dishes and cook while girls take the trash out). Establishing a household atmosphere where equity is the norm goes a long way…
All in all, gender equity starts at home, and has wide repercussions on work and society at large. Beginning the fight at home can make a world of difference…
In this episode, I’m discussing allyship, more specifically how to be an ally to Black women at work. From sponsorship and mentorship, to listening in and learning, allyship is a powerful way to make a difference and contribute to increased inclusiveness and diversity in the workplace.
Thanks for Listening!
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Diversity and inclusion (D&I) has become in recent years one of the most prevalent go-to terms for organizations, institutions and people alike. Very often, it presents itself as a collection of in-house trainings or informational sessions. While most diversity and inclusion initiatives are generally well-meaning, there may be some level of misinformation, status quo, or disconnection that may impair their real effectiveness.
Truth is, while the tone at the top is crucial in setting impactful diversity and inclusion initiatives, everyone within and outside of the organization is responsible for establishing and fostering a culture of inclusiveness and representation. As employees, it is also our responsibility and positive contribution to foster increased diversity and inclusiveness through our work, professional and personal decisions. As business owners, we carry the burden of ensuring that our business’ values, people, and processes embody a spirit of representation for all and further equality and equity for all. As consumers of information and goods, we have the power to pick and choose the companies Doing so can be challenging, however it may start with asking a few necessary questions of the organizations we work in, buy from and are around:
What is the organization’s status in terms of diversity and inclusion?
As we consider the companies we’re part of, consume from or are around, we must also ask ourselves what they look like from the inside. That is, in terms of their culture, people, and processes.
Who are the faces of the company at the management and leadership levels, and do they embody diversity and inclusiveness? Are employees representative of various groups, including minority and under-represented groups? Who makes important decisions at the Board of Directors level? These are just a few questions to begin with…
What outcomes are being worked towards?
It’s one thing to have representation in the leadership and culture of the organization, it’s another to be continuously working towards better outcomes in terms of diversity and inclusion.
Are these part of the strategic plan of the organization? Are managers trained to include desired outcomes in their performance plan? If not, what can be done to begin sooner than later?
How will the culture change to be more diverse and inclusive?
One of the biggest obstacles faced by diversity and inclusion trainings is the very culture of organizations. Unless the company culture is open to equity and equality for all, chances at increasing diversity and inclusion are slim to non-existent.
It begins with asking what the true culture of the organization is. How do employees and management perceive it? What can be done to foster a more diverse and inclusive culture?
Do the leadership and tone at the top value diversity and inclusiveness?
Tone at the top is crucial in influencing the culture and direction of organization. For adequate representation and increased inclusiveness, the leadership and management also have to be on board.
It’s then worthwhile to ask what the tone at the top is. What does the leadership believe in, and envision as the future direction of the company, business or institution? Is diversity as well as inclusiveness one of their priorities?
Are diversity and inclusiveness used or included as metrics in the organization?
You can’t improve what you don’t measure. Improving diversity and inclusiveness then requires measuring it first. To do so, creating and/or implementing adequate metrics is necessary. By including these metrics as a part of the organization’s plans, as well as people’s performance and processes’ evaluation, they not only measurable, but also a solid foundation for growth.
What types of metrics can be implemented? How can these be included in employees’ performance evaluations? How can these be reflected in the organization’s policies and procedures?
Are the appropriate resources available and/or in place?
Keeping organizations accountable for inclusiveness and diversity also means ensuring the appropriate resources, such as training resources, education materials, as well as educators, are available to be used. This also means evaluating current resources (or the lack thereof) for signs of being outdated or inaccurate.
What resources, if any, are currently being used to address diversity and inclusion in the organization? Are these appropriate or need to be updated and/or revised?
Is everyone held accountable for diversity and inclusiveness matters?
Last but not least, is everyone being held accountable in and outside of the organization for diversity and inclusiveness? This means not just management and the leadership, but each and every single employee, customer and stakeholder? The organizations we believe in, consume from and work in, can only do the work of fostering diversity and inclusiveness if we all contribute and actively participate.
Which questions have you been asking of the organizations around you to hold them more accountable in terms of diversity and inclusiveness?
